The Audacity!
The Audacity! is about breaking free from boxes and daring to live without limitations. Hosted by Ashton and Amanda, we empower women to dream bigger, embrace a growth mindset, and create fulfilling relationships. Through bold conversations and inspiring stories, we ignite purpose, freedom, and the audacity to live a limitless life.
The Audacity!
Episode 4: Building Your Tribe: Finding Authentic Female Connections
Have you ever noticed how your female friendships fill a space in your heart that nothing else can? There's something uniquely nourishing about connections between women who truly understand and support each other.
In this intimate conversation, we explore the irreplaceable value of female friendships and why they're essential to feeling whole. Drawing from our own experiences as friends who text each other about everything from minor inconveniences to major life crises, we dive into what makes these bonds so special and how they differ from romantic or family relationships.
We share honest reflections on the challenges many women face in finding their tribe, especially as adults. Whether you've moved to a new city, outgrown old relationships, or simply struggled to connect with like-minded women, we offer practical guidance on where to look for potential friends and how to recognize the green flags that signal a healthy connection. From avoiding the gossip trap to embracing vulnerability, we discuss the foundations of relationships that will truly support your growth rather than hold you back.
The conversation takes a powerful turn as we explore The Four Agreements and how they transform friendships: being impeccable with your word, not taking anything personally, not making assumptions, and always doing your best. We also candidly share our experiences with friend breakups—those painful endings that can sometimes hurt as much as romantic separations—and how to know when it's time to let go.
Whether you're currently surrounded by amazing women or feeling isolated and longing for deeper connections, this episode offers wisdom, comfort, and practical steps toward creating the supportive female friendships you deserve. Because finding your people isn't just nice—it's necessary for a full, rich life.
This podcast is for the woman who refuses to settle, the one who knows she was made for more. It's for the audacious woman who is ready to burn the ships, own her story and create a life built on radical self-belief. I'm Amanda Galloway.
Speaker 2:I'm Ashton Greer, we are your podcast hosts and we welcome you to the Audacity Podcast.
Speaker 1:Hello.
Speaker 2:Welcome back.
Speaker 1:How is everybody today? That's just you, Amanda.
Speaker 2:Doing. Hello, welcome back. How is everybody today? That's just you, amanda.
Speaker 1:Doing great. I'm having a great day. I'm in a funk, that's okay. Yeah, I'm really tired today. Really, I've been on antibiotics and they're just making me really feel funky yeah.
Speaker 2:She needs to. I keep telling her.
Speaker 1:What is rest? Said by an Enneagram theory? Right, yeah, or two or four, or one. What am I? Yeah, well, I'll let you guys decide. But today we're going to talk about female friendships. And it's kind of fun talking about us, amanda, because we're such good friends and you know we really lean on each other for so many things throughout every single day. Honestly, if I have the most tiny problem, I normally send her a text about it and it's just. It's just beautiful. We were talking earlier about how female friendships are just. They fulfill you in a way that other other friendships relationships, romantic relationships and familial relationships don't, and how important they are to feeling um, full.
Speaker 2:Yeah, jay Shetty talks about that in his book Um, and it really is about making sure that you are fueling your life with not just a romantic partner, which I think a lot of people will just latch onto their romantic partner. And actually Esther Perel talks about this too, that you cannot lean on your partner to be everything for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You have to have other people in your circle that can help you navigate different situations, and your partner is not always going to be the expert in that field or maybe hasn't experienced that themselves, and having a female friend, just they get it. It is significantly different, but yeah, I've. I think that growing up I was more codependent and I would just latch on to my boyfriend. I didn't have a whole lot of friends and it has been such an evolution of my as I've been an adult because I don't have a lot. I have a few childhood friends, but they're in different places, and so as I've gotten older, I found genuine, authentic friendships that have become like family, like Ashton, and I think that is really hard for women to do and it can be scary, very intimidating to find female friendships, especially as you get older. And yeah, I don't know that it's. It's easy for most people to to get to that point.
Speaker 1:I want to ask a follow-up question. Yeah, please, why do you think you didn't have many female friends growing up?
Speaker 2:I was very codependent. I think I also chose the wrong friends. I had one friend who was so mean to me. She literally told me if I had brown eyes I'd be ugly, and like she was jealous. It was so mean. She was just so beautiful too. She had a lot of trauma in her life. So I mean I'm sure my picker was wrong too. You know, I was just had some friends that didn't really value the true meaning of a friendship and they were mean. They were mean. So I grew up in a small town it was kind of a transplant to this area so people already had their groups, their longtime friends. So coming into that made it more difficult to have sustaining friends. My best friend from elementary school I had to move away from and I'm still friends with her to this day. She's the most beautiful soul, but it is not the same. You know she doesn't live here.
Speaker 1:I don't see her very often, so yeah, it is hard because through life friendships do evolve and people move, or you move or you know. Even this is so silly. But my son, he was telling me the other day that he's really sad because he is not in any of the same classes in junior high as his best friends and it's affecting their friendship because they're all together and who got put in other classes and proximity and closeness and friendships take effort. They really do take effort. So if you want to maintain a friendship with someone, you have to put in, put in the time and be there. And I think, growing up there's something about girls. There's something about girls. They run in packs kind of. They're very social. I think women in general are very, very social creatures and use social networks. You know, way through time for survival we needed each other to survive and that's still genetically encoded within us.
Speaker 2:And we still need each other.
Speaker 1:But I think growing up, if, if, if you're like me and I think you are Amanda, I never really had a group. I kind of fit in everywhere and nowhere and I think I'm actually the same still, and that is it makes it you almost feel exposed or a bit. You feel a little bit unsafe in that place where you don't have this cover of community to be a part of and you have to find your own way. And I think that happens a lot as well when you're an alpha female, I guess they would say an alpha female someone that kind of is a trailblazer marches to the beat of their own drum. People haven't been telling me that since I was little you just march to the beat of your own drum.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do. Um, I didn't realize, though, that I was different in that way until I became an adult and realized that I think I navigate the world a little bit differently. That's fair, and I'm just different in my own little way, and I think that I'm thankful now, as an adult like you, to have found a tribe, to have found other women that are like me, like you, and we have two really other good friends, mckenzie and Alex, and we're all very independent women that are free thinkers, that are. We just have similar values and we understand each other, and so we have a tribe, and it's it's a really good feeling.
Speaker 2:It is, it's something that has I've not always had. Yeah, and it's, um, it's. It's a really good feeling because I know that within that group of circle there are some people that I like Alex I go to for certain advice, mackenzie I go to for certain advice, and same with you and everybody just brings such a beautiful value to the friendship and it is healthy.
Speaker 1:It is. It's really great and I think that when you have a community of people with different lived experiences, if they're trusted female friends and you know that you can go to them with anything, it'll be held in confidence you really can draw from a deeper well of experiences and wisdom when you have that community of female friendships. Now, it's not easy to find your community. So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh God, I wish I had that, I mean I can relate to that. There've been so many times in my life going through transitions, shedding friendships. I am evolving, or they're evolving, or we're maybe outgrowing each other, or we're changing and we're saying goodbye in our own way. Those are really hard times too and can feel really scary as your life changes and maybe things don't align or you realize your values don't align, or maybe you're
Speaker 1:just not on the same path or wavelength anymore, and friendships and all relationships can be like this. And I don't know, maybe you're in that transitionary period, but I want to tell you somebody told me this once that it was the most beautiful thing I was leaving religion. And I mean, I guys, I was a worship leader at my church, I led a women's Bible study. I was in a very conservative family, very conservative marriage. I left all of it all at once and I lost so much community. It's unbelievable. And I lost so much community. It's unbelievable.
Speaker 1:And the pain of that was the pain and fear that went along with that. Um is was deeper and broader and impacted more of my life than I realized when I made the decision. But somebody else told me that when you leave one way of thinking our community, there's a whole bunch of us on the other side. We're just waiting for you with open arms. And she's still a dear friend of mine today. She's quite a bit older than me and she's a bit of a mentor. I have lunch with her several times a year and I just love her so much. But she basically reminded me that when you leave one way of thinking there's, there's people that are more open-minded waiting for you, and I think the key is, at the end of the day, not to fit into one group of like a narrow minded way of thinking. And if you have to, okay. What I want to say is if, in order to have community, you have to conform, you don't want to be in that community.
Speaker 2:You have to gossip. Yeah, you have to act like you're. You know you're not the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Or you have to make yourself smaller, you have to believe a certain set of things, or you have to hate this person. Oh, we hate her, we don't like her. You know, like, if there's that sort of environment in a group, it's not. Hopefully, maybe it is a group for you if you're that type of person. But if you want to be an elevated person with a wholehearted person and you want to become the best version of yourself, those aren't the types of groups that you want to find, and I know in our group it's pretty much across the board.
Speaker 1:We don't gossip. You want to find and I know in our group it's pretty much across the board. We don't gossip, we don't talk shit about each other. We don't gossip about other people. I think that our group, primarily, we talk about what's going on in our lives, how we can self-improve, how we can support each other. What fun thing are we going to do next together? You know it's it's all about enhancing our lives, supporting each other and creating an environment of safety where we can all flourish. You know, rather than I think some women do bond over gossip. They bond over a mutual enemy, creating a shared enemy over hating people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've seen that, especially in the female groups. It is so toxic. So my question for you, Ashton, is what are green flags?
Speaker 1:in friendships, like if you're making a new friend, like what am I looking for?
Speaker 2:And even say you are going through a situation where you're not sure if this person is worth keeping around as a friend. Maybe you just met them and you're like, I'm not quite sure about them. I kind of want to open my heart to them, but is it worth it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is new to me because I used to open my heart to everyone. I am not kidding Everyone I love, I don't know. There's very few people that I dislike, and the people that I do dislike it's because they have very clearly in some way tried to destroy me. But generally speaking, I have an open heart towards most people. But if I'm going to enter into like a close friendship with someone, I think my gut feeling is pretty important to me. You know, is this person? How do they make me feel?
Speaker 1:I also need to feel if I'm going to spend a lot of time with someone, is this person going to teach me something? Is knowing them and having them in my life going to be an enhancement? Is it going to be fulfilling? And I think we've all had those friendships where you're spending time with somebody out of obligation, yes, and so you can't get to a deeper level. It feels very surface level. Maybe you're even bored when you're hanging out together, and I don't say that to be mean, I just say that to me it's not stimulating. Yes, the friendship isn't stimulating. So for me it needs to be stimulating If I'm going to pour a lot of time into it.
Speaker 1:This person needs to be, um, someone that is challenging me, that is safe for me, that I can trust. Um, those are primary things. Is this person honest? Are they trustworthy? A green flag is if they're not talking about other people. If I have somebody trying to be friends with me and they're like did you hear that so-and-so, this? Or oh, I hate her, she's blah, blah, blah. My gut reaction in my actually, I won't probably become your friend, and I think that's because and it conflicts with my nature and core values so severely. I really think that most people are doing the best that they can do. Yes, that there, most people are really trying to life, and so if you're saying something about so-and-so and you're so freely saying it's me, somebody you don't really know, I'm automatically thinking you've got something against them.
Speaker 2:There's an insecurity going on here.
Speaker 1:What? What are you going to say about me to someone else? So I've had to withdraw from friendships or distance myself because, you know, because of noticing these things. So I would say that definitely is either a green or red flag. Is my time with this person used to build each other up, or are we tearing each other down?
Speaker 2:we're together yeah, how do you feel after you spend time with them? I think is a really good indicator. Yeah, we drain, because they just are bringing so much to the conversation that's so negative or so gossipy and toxic and just not uplifting. Or are they making you feel inspired and loved and you have someone that you can trust? And I mean, I think trust is something that builds over time. Brene Brown talks about this in one of her books that her daughter came home from school and she was asking how do I know if I can trust someone? And Brene said trust takes time. It's like putting little pebbles in a jar that they show you over time who they really are. Yeah, and it's. You may not see it right away, but, like Ashton, I mean someone asked me the other day they're like do you have anyone in your life you actually trust?
Speaker 2:And I had a few people pop in my mind and you were obviously one of them, but not a lot of people can say that female friend that is in your corner, who you can trust, is so valuable because you have that, hopefully that friendship for life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I actually just recently had a friendship and um. Based upon this, I I had a really good friend for over a decade, really really very close, and I had mutual friends coming to me and you know, in love and confidence and saying, ashton, I don't think she's your friend, Um, when I was finding out.
Speaker 1:You know that she was tearing me down behind my back and talking about me to other people and really, you know, I ended up kind of distancing myself and then confronting her in a loving way you know, saying hey, some of our friends have mentioned to me that you have issues with me and can we talk about it? You know, I I want to talk about it. I want you to know I'm here for you and I love you, and if you're upset with me, can we work it out? And she was unwilling to do that. Her response was that she um, she didn't say that at all, but I heard it from multiple sources. So I was like, what do I do? You know she's unwilling to have the conflict, to have the conversation, but I can't, I can no longer trust her.
Speaker 2:And it goes back to your values trust and truth. Truth, honesty, is so important to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it really is, and so much so that, amanda, well, like today, she called me and asked me for a favor, and I was so honest with her. I was like I'm so annoyed right now I cannot do this to you. Um, I was like I know it's you, I want to help you, but I just I don't really have it in me to fake it. I don't want to. I don't want people to fake it with me. Today's the day.
Speaker 2:Today's the day. I don't want people to fake it with me. Today's the day, today's the day I'm having a bad day. Guys Also give your friends space to have days. Yeah, have weeks if they need. Um, I had a couple of months that I felt like I was a little off. And give people grace to let them show up how they need to in that moment. It is not personal, yeah, personal, like I know. Ashton told me that I was like I know, I know, like I know she's going through it. I get where her brain is going. It is not personal to me, um, but you know, if you have a friend who is authentically in your corner, who loves you, if they act out of character, it is not personal, yeah, and don't escalate it. Just give them grace, give them space to show up how they need to in that moment.
Speaker 2:I mean don't abuse, don't accept abuse right, but be yeah, yeah, and, and that's I'm holding space for Ashton today because she's feeling a lot of feelings and I understand and, and, as a friend, having empathy we've talked about that a lot and that's a green flag for me is having empathy and friendship. Remember that time where we had someone in our friend group that was not empathetic and how that was incredibly difficult to navigate. Yeah, that was hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did have a situation with someone who I mean there was just no room for sad emotion, so like if somebody was going through something. It was like hey, can you say this for later, like you're ruining girls night. I remember just being like that's a red flag, guys, that's a red flag. I was like what is the point of having each other if we can't have these feelings with each other? And you know, we all grew apart.
Speaker 2:I think people show their true selves and who they are to you during your most difficult times, and during those most difficult times are you going to find out who is really your friend.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, somebody.
Speaker 1:I read this the other day never forget who gave you a hard time when you were going through a hard time. Never forget who gave you a hard time when you were going through a hard time. There are people who I thought were my genuine friends that gave me a hard time when I was going through a hard time. I've had the hardest three years. Guys, you don't I mean a lot of, you don't know me or you don't know me personally or super well, but I've truly had a very hard three years. And the incredible thing is the people that are still standing around me, reminding me of who I am, reminding me of the goodness in within me, pointing me back, not allowing all the hurt and negativity to swallow me whole. Those people sitting around me, those are my friends, those people that are risking their social capital on me. They're willing to, you know, stand by my side, no matter what it is that life has thrown my way. Those people, are golden to me.
Speaker 1:And then there are people who you know have made it harder. Yeah, and that's it. You just learn as you go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you do and it sucks. I you know. Through a divorce I found out who my friends were. That was incredibly hard. I actually literally had no friends during that time. I came to realize because my marriage was so focused on my partner, my husband at the time more than it was filling my cup with friendships.
Speaker 2:So when I was going through that difficult time I didn't have authentic, genuine friendships because all my friends were through him, they were his friends before they were my friends. So I went through that and, man, that really sucked. You know, it was hard to be alone. It was so difficult. And then from there I made some unhealthy decisions because I didn't really have the the love and support that I needed from a female friendship. So female friendships are incredibly powerful.
Speaker 2:Let me ask you, ashton, if someone is in a situation where they they don't have friendships, like they don't have a tribe, they don't really have that one genuine connection, how would you start developing a friendship? How would you seek a friendship, especially in a small town, like in a large town? I think that you could go to a yoga studio and go, you know, to the gym, whatever it might be, and find like-minded people.
Speaker 1:And in a small town, so I actually, just last week there was this, this young woman. She and I kept bumping into each other. I would see her everywhere, Like at the Fisher, where I work, one of the places I work. I would see her at the theater, I would see her at a coffee shop or at a bar. Just, I was running into her everywhere and I finally was like I feel like the universe wants us to meet, like wants us to know each other, and I invited her to coffee and we had coffee last two days ago and it was great.
Speaker 1:I really enjoyed my time with her. She's very interesting, she is a beautiful soul. I got really green flag vibe. She didn't speak ill of anyone. She had the most interesting stories. She was just light, a light and beautiful person. And I was thinking to myself well, it's been a long time since I've tried to make a friend, and how intimidating, how scary it can be. It's so intimidating. I was like what if she? What if she doesn't want to go to coffee with me? And what if she's? Like this is weird. She's 10 years older than me, why is this? Old lady invited me to coffee. No, she didn't do that and, um, it was cool. So I would say step one work on yourself. If you want to make friends, if you want to attract quality friends, you need to be a quality person. You might not have friends because you, you've been shitty. That's a reality. Um, that's a reality.
Speaker 2:Really assess what are your true values of yourself.
Speaker 1:So then you can find people who value the same things, yeah, yeah. So I think work on yourself, commit to being you want to. You're going to attract the type of people that are like you, that are on the same wavelength, that are on the same trajectory. So if your trajectory is that you hate everyone and you, you know every chance you get you're tearing somebody down and gossip is your currency, those are the friends you're going to attract and they're going to gossip about you. They're going to stab you in the back. So I think that definitely start with you. And then, as far as how to find people, I think your hobbies like if you're in a theater, join a theater group, if you like, you know, maybe try something new. Maybe you're you want to try mountain biking, or you want to get into a running club or hiking, or there's a lot of social clubs and things you can do to find people that at least have similar hobbies or interests to you and then you can kind of figure out on a deeper level if there's anything there.
Speaker 2:Um, what about through social media, connecting with people?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you could do that. Uh, I think that it's harder to get to know who somebody is based on their social media profile degree. But you know, some people are pretty open on social media and some people are too open on social media and some of it's all fake. Yeah, you just don't really know.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty open on my social media pretty open book but, I, don't air all my dirty laundry.
Speaker 1:I try not to, yeah, but I think social media is an avenue too, but I think you're going to have a better, better luck. Honestly, if you take a risk and you're vulnerable and you show up, go places, go join something. Join it. Maybe you're spiritual. Join a church, join Rotary Club. Maybe you're spiritual.
Speaker 2:Join a church, join Rotary Club, join a theater group, join, you know, any sort of social hobby based activity. You know what one quality changed my relationship with friends, relationship, any relationship. What one quality do you think that is for me? Out of curiosity, Quality that changed your relationships. Oh, okay, I'll say it just because I thought you might catch this with the Brene Brown stuff we were talking about vulnerability yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, got it, until I learned vulnerability. In fact, I was in a coaching program with a leader who worked for Brene Brown, and so I got trained in Dare to Lead, and one of the qualities I absolutely could not wrap my head around was the word vulnerability, and it was screaming in my face the importance of being authentic and being vulnerable, because I don't know that I was really getting true friendships based out of vulnerability and you have to be vulnerable in order to develop deeper connections, and that may come over time with trust, but it's really really hard to have a really authentic relationship with someone without having vulnerability.
Speaker 1:Yeah, actually you can't. I had this situation with my boyfriend last week where I've been feeling really bad. I've been sick for about a month now, fighting some infections and just dealing just, I think, stress. You know, I maybe need this, I need to chill out.
Speaker 1:But I had this moment where my boyfriend ended up like getting my kids ready for school, fed them breakfast, loaded them up, took them to school, and I woke up and everyone was gone and I was like, holy shit, I really failed everyone, like he had to take care of everything. My kids didn't take a bite of my kids, I all the things. And I told him after reflecting on it I'm so embarrassed that you had to take care of me and I, basically I was like I take care of everyone. It's the thing about me that I pride myself in. It's the reason that I have attracted the wrong men because I will take care of everything for them. Well, now I have this man that's taking care of me and it's almost embarrassing that I need his help. I don't know, I'm ashamed. I asked for space because he helped me and then I was like I'm having a hard time being vulnerable you're just working through it and it's a different kind of relationship.
Speaker 2:It's a healthy one and when you go from and we'll we will talk about this on another episode. I promise about going from a toxic to a healthy relationship. So you have grace for it's a it's part of your journey, it is.
Speaker 1:It is part of your journey, it is. I just keep wondering when he's going to wake up and be like, oh she's crazy. Or like her life is psycho. She's so busy Like I don't know, but he just wants to keep showing up and helping me, which is beautiful.
Speaker 2:Which is a friendship, which is a friendship too. Yeah, it is True, love. I think you love people for who they are and how they are in this moment. Not necessarily for who we, because I've loved people, but I love. I think Antonio actually is the first person I've actually loved, first man that I've actually loved for exactly who he is. There's no rose colored glasses. He is beautiful. He is just who he is. And I think it's true with the friendships too. I I have had friends where I've had rose colored glasses and I wanted to help them get through things and and even with our, our relationship, I wanted to like coach. You know our little tribe. I wanted to coach them, I wanted to help get them out. I hated seeing them suffering, but vulnerability and just accepting people for who they are goes a long way and just allow people to be who they need to be, but vulnerability is letting them accept you as you are, exactly as you are.
Speaker 1:Vulnerability is letting someone who, letting somebody see you at your weakness, at your worst, and allowing someone to love you even in those moments. And that is, I think, what friendship is. That is me going through a couple of years of hell, um, making some of those, some of the some of the things I went through are because of my own choices and letting, letting people love me through that when I didn't love myself, when I when I thought I was unlovable, I think that is vulnerability, yeah, and that that is perfect what you just said.
Speaker 2:It's really hard to love other people when you can't love yourself. And if you can love yourself, you're going to attract people who are going to just be so authentic for you and and be a light in your life instead of darkness, because if you don't love yourself, you're going to attract other people who don't love themselves. And then there's drama all the time and it's a black cloud dooming all you know, over all of you well, I have been reading on repeat for several months the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Speaker 2:Ruiz, I don't know how to say, it's all the same um, I should find that out anyway.
Speaker 1:it's an incredible book. It's so simple, but there's four agreements that you should live your life by, and there's a okay. So the first one is to be impeccable with your word, and I think that is something that most people struggle with. I like to run things through this filter. Is it true First, first, is it true? Is what I'm saying about this person? The situation Is it true First, first, is it true?
Speaker 1:Is what I'm saying about this person, the situation is it true? Am I exaggerating it? Is it through a lens of my own envy, jealousy? Is it me trying to cloud their bad name? But so, is it true? Is it kind? Is it kind? Can I say this in a way that is kind? And then the third one is my favorite Is it necessary? So, is it necessary? I love that question because sometimes it is necessary to say true things about people to other people. So, for example, if Amanda wanted to go into business with someone who I knew to be really deceitful in business as her friend, it is necessary that I tell her this information. But can I do it in a way that is true?
Speaker 2:and kind yeah, and take a moment here, guys, and think of a time where you're like, do I tell my friend this? Take a moment here, guys, and think of a time where you're like, do I tell my friend this and use this filter moving forward, because it can really weigh on you heavily, on whether or not you tell a friend something.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Or like a friend wants to date someone but I know this person cheats on all of his girlfriends. Do I tell this friend? Am I gossiping?
Speaker 2:Am.
Speaker 1:I, you know. Yes, I do, because I think it's necessary that she has this information before making a big decision for her life. But instead of saying, oh, he's a piece of shit, I can say to her, hey, this is really hard for me to tell you, but I feel like you should know that so-and-so has a history of being unfaithful to his partners. And you know people can change. And I'm not saying that you know, maybe he hasn't. And no matter what you choose, I'm going to support you. This isn't me telling you what to do, but I want you to know because I care about you. That's how you say it. You know it's not, it's loving. It's loving to both partners, to both parties. It's kind to do it, to tell your friend the hard thing. It's also not, it's not unkind to repeat the truth in a kind way.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, that's good. What are the other three agreements?
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. Okay, so the four agreements are be impeccable with your word. The next one is don't take anything personally. That's so hard.
Speaker 2:So when you're thinking of friendships, this is definitely one that you can use. Like Ashton, earlier she had a moment and I did not take it personally at all because I know Ashton's heart. I'm in a bad mood, it's okay. I know Ashton's heart and I'm not going to take it personal because I know how she is Like. I know her heart and same with my fiance. I have learned over time. There were times that I would really take something personal and then, as I've gotten to know, him I've realized that, oh, that's not personal, that's you know him having a moment or what.
Speaker 2:He's got a lot of stress on his plate, like there's just too much going on. So give people grace and you know, be just. Don't take it personal, because when you take it personal, you're creating. You're creating so much drama.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, what we do and I'll move on to the next two in a minute but what we do in relationships is, for example, amanda say, amanda hangs out with the other girls in our friend group and I'm not invited. I could, you know, start to. The third agreement is don't make assumptions. Okay, so I can start to make assumptions about this. Oh, she excluded me because she doesn't like me anymore, and like, yada, yada, yada, and create this whole narrative in my head and then go tell other people about it. Amanda didn't invite me to this thing because she, and like I'm going to create this whole narrative, I'm going to make an assumption, I'm going to take it so personally and I'm going to make an assumption. But guess what? Amanda was just planning my surprise birthday party.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know what I mean. Like it, literally. We do this all the time. Oh, I saw her at the mall and I was walking past her and she didn't greet me and, you know, instead of being like she might be having a bad day, we're like oh, she must not like me anymore, or maybe she heard this rumor about me and she did it, you know. And we go down this like crazy rabbit trail.
Speaker 1:So, as hard as it is and I do catch myself doing this from time to time I always stop myself and think you know what? I'm going to give this situation the absolute most rose colored glasses and graceful um perception of it as I possibly can. So and so. Didn't include me or didn't talk to me, maybe because they're going through something of their own, or maybe they don't trust me for some reason and I need to talk with them about that, or maybe I don't know. You know, there's a million different ways your brain could go. We tend to go to worst case scenario. We tend to go this person hates me. This person hates me Worst case scenario how do I survive?
Speaker 2:it's all about survival in our brains. Um, because we're acting, that we're talking about survival. Like back in the caveman days, if you were isolated from a friend group, it meant death. It meant that you were isolated from the pack and you're exposed. So it is natural to feel this way. But you are in control of your thoughts, you. You have to take a moment and rationalize. Also, go to that friend yeah, go to ask them.
Speaker 1:Ask, yeah, we can't read each other's brains. Yeah, I actually have a friend that I need to talk to. I've been having, like some, some questions in my head about some of their actions and I'm making. There's definitely a story going on in my brain. I haven't told it to anybody, not even you. You don't know what I'm talking about. Um, and that's on purpose, because I don't want to spread any misinformation or make assumptions. So I'm not going to probably go to them because it's taking up a lot of my brain space. They're living rent free in my brain right now and that's not cool. So you know, when something does eat at me like that, I do have it here's, I do of it. Here's what happens. It eats at people and you have two choices you can go to the source and get your answer, or you can try to relieve it by gossiping about that person. And there's a pressure about building. You know, if there's pressure building inside of you, this person is like me. So then you can go to somebody did you hear that So-and-so did this, and like they've been so cold to me, but it's probably because of dinner and like it just creates.
Speaker 1:The book talks about the four agreements, talks about how being that way ends up creating hell on earth. We create our own personal hell, our drama hell, by making assumptions, taking things personally, gossiping, um, and not being impeccable with our word, not making sure that what we're saying is true and not being impeccable with our word, not making sure that what we're saying is true. And I think that this book has changed the way. That. I think it's changed the way that I perceive other people, even people who are intentionally coming at me or trying to hurt me. I understand that they're operating from their own set of agreements in their brain of what they think should have happened or what they think should be, and I just don't take it nearly as personally as I used to. So, and the fourth agreement is always do your best. So I recommend this book to anyone that wants to get out of hell.
Speaker 2:I think it's one of the most uh it, I think it is the fundamental book for self-awareness and growth. Uh yeah, I think it is phenomenal to start opening your mind to things and just living life better. We, as you said, we create our own health.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is all in our mind. Yeah, I'm going to read this cause I highlighted it and I really I was thinking I need to read this and walk today. But it says um, in people, you only see what you want to see and you deny that there are things that you don't like about someone. When you, when you're in a relationship at the beginning Friendship, romantic, whatever you lie to yourself just to make yourself right. Then you make assumptions and one of the assumptions is well, I don't like that thing, but my love can change this person. But this is not true.
Speaker 1:Your love will not change anybody. If others change, it is because they want to change, not because you can change them. Then something happens between the two of you and you get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, but now it is amplified by your emotional poison. Now you are justifying your emotional pain and blaming them for your choices to stay. We don't need to justify love If it is there. It is or it is not there. Real love is accepting other people the way they are, without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means that we never really loved them. It's really good Mind draw Boom. So in friendships I take this into friendships too. I have friends, I have close friends, who I don't always see eye to eye with or agree with their values, but I can say, no, you're not going to.
Speaker 2:No, that is. The beauty of the world is we're not all the same, but have an open mind, see the value. Yeah, listen to other people's perspectives, be empathetic, be loving and kind. But, yeah, it's okay to disagree, have different political views, have different religious perspectives. It's okay to be different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't create an echo chamber of people that are just like you, validating every life choice that you have. Have friends that are different from you, who are respectful of those differences. That's like the key respect, love, acceptance, safety, camaraderie, fun. I think fun is the glue in friendships. You have to have fun together. Speaking of which we're we're going to do a girl's night tonight. I'm really excited for it, but sometimes I just I have the time with my family and the time with my boyfriend and I literally get this. It kind of builds up in a vision. I'm like I just need to see my girlfriends and I think so fun, it's so fun, there's so much fun, and I think that that is so important and so underrated it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is rated it is. Yeah, it is. I I think my social bandwidth is uh less than yours, yeah, so I I'm better on like one-on-ones. I like one-on-one conversations. That fills me um but the group things are just seeing everybody's different personalities and last night was so much fun and their laughter oh my gosh laughter, yes, um, so you know whether it's just one friend, one-on-one, whether it is a group of friends.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, have fun, fulfill that, that cup that you need, because love is so diverse and it's not always about just one person yeah, yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:I um have a question for you, amanda, about friendship, female friendships, and I wanted to ask you have you ever had a close friend that you grew apart from or broke up with and you know? How did you know it was time, or how did it happen, and how do you find peace in your heart about letting someone go that wasn't, was an integral part of your development?
Speaker 2:I can honestly say I've more so grown apart from people and it just it gradually happened because life was changing more than having to actually break up with a friend. Yeah, um, I think that. Well, there was one time in college where the girl I was talking about earlier, where she was mean and stuff, I believe I promised that's not true.
Speaker 2:Nothing can be too ugly. It was just, you know, it was her own insecurities, but she I did have to. We actually roomed together and she just loved I don't know, you know I'll reflect on that loved. I don't know, you know I'll, I'll reflect on that. Um, but she is.
Speaker 2:She was one that I did have to end things with, but it was not a good ending. It was a blow up fight because and to be fair, I don't want to play victim here because I didn't stand up for myself, I did not, I was not impeccable with my word, I didn't say that really hurt my feelings, I just accepted it as truth and went on. Um, but I was very immature, I was a freshman in college, I I had been friends with her for a few years in high school and it just wasn't a mature friendship. Now I have not had a mature friendship where I had to and I don't know that I would. If I had a mature friendship, I don't know that it would actually have to break up with that person. They would evolve with me as time goes, because people are going to change and we would be able to hold space for that change, um, but I've not been in that position.
Speaker 2:I think over time things have just grown apart and we've become yeah you know just different stages of our lives having kids, getting married, moving cities, but not that.
Speaker 1:Have you had a friend, a friend breakup? I've had a few in my lifetime, one. They always seem to be really dramatic. They do, wow, they hurt so bad it really hurts. It's really hard to process.
Speaker 1:Um, I had a friend that I that this is a long time ago. I had a very good friend from the time that I was probably oh 17 to my mid twenties. We were very, very good friends, best friends and, um, I think our worldview, belief system became quite a bit different there. There was a lot of expectation or like there was a lot of religious lens. There was a religious lens going on and basically she was asking me to stop striving. She didn't understand why I wanted to go to college and why I felt like I had to do more and be more. And you know me now, like understanding me. This is me. I'm always self-improving, I'm always trying to grow. It is what makes, makes me me. It's something that I like about myself. But she really didn't like that, but I think it. I think she didn't like how it made her feel and that was a tough thing. It actually turned out pretty, pretty dramatic. I could get into it, but I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't really want to.
Speaker 1:That was hard. We did meet up, though, like a couple of years later, and had coffee and talked, and it doesn't really feel bad anymore. I wish her I really do wish her the best, and just we just don't see the world the same way. You know, I've left the church, she's still in the church. It wouldn't really work. We wouldn't be able to give each other advice because we don't believe the same things. Um, and then I had another friend breakup. Same thing it was. This is all surrounding my marriage and my divorce. Same thing I left the church, she stayed in the church. She didn't like that. I worked so much that I was working on my physical fitness in my appearance. She felt that that was sinful. There was a lot going into that conversation. That breakup was pretty sad for me too, because I felt like I was just trying to evolve and continue on my journey. And then I recently had a friend breakup. That has been really hard as well, um, growing apart, and there's a lot more to it.
Speaker 1:We could do a whole episode on that, but we will, we will, yeah Um, but yeah, friend, breakup break, they break my heart.
Speaker 1:I really do love these people and I think about them now, like I was the maid of honor in one's wedding, um, I founded a nonprofit with one. I've been in these roles, you know auntie to a child in one of the relationships, and it's always hard when, when it happens, but I do think that eventually, with time, space, clarity, there's a way to still hold love for that person and but also like, not let them be in your inner circle, because for me and all the circumstances, I feel like those people didn't really want what was best for me. They wanted me for them, they wanted me to stay with them, to stay unchanging, and the one thing, the thing about me, is that I'm always changing. Um, so, yeah, no hard feelings, only love.
Speaker 2:You brought up a good point about needing to celebrate each other as we evolve, as we succeed, and sometimes it might feel like to the other person you're evolving so much that they're going to lose you and, out of fear, they will hold you back or try to hold you back. Yeah, and you know, I think that takes some self-awareness to understand that. Um, take some maturity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have seen that a lot in my life in close relationships, where I'm moving forward, I'm changing, I'm progressing, and it's almost like the person I'm in close relationship with has a strong resistance to that because there is fear, has a strong resistance to that because there is fear and I think that, like, like, like the foreground says, it's not love. If you want to change someone, you don't want them to be who they are. And I think the friendships that I have now are very supportive of my growth journey. And I support there's two like understanding that we're all different. You know, I don't obviously want anyone to move far away that would be really sad but I do want them to grow and I do want them to keep being the best versions of themselves and if that means that they're a little different, more different from me, that's's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, you have to evolve and friendships are. I was listening to a Renee Brown podcast preparing for this interview and she had two women on who wrote a book on big friendship and I cannot remember their names, but I think the book is called big friendship and Renee was like well, what is your perspective on how, if it's hard, it's just not worth it, it's. You know. She was challenging them on that perspective and they started laughing and they were like, oh my gosh, our friendship has had so many difficult times. Yeah, and it's yeah, and any type of relationship nothing is. It's not going to be rainbows and butterflies, it's going to be work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if it's long-term, it's going to be work. I can think of several fights that Amanda and I have been in. I'm serious, We've had so many fights. I made her cry one time. I made her cry one time. Yeah, I made her cry while we were on the way back from a basketball game and I didn't want to be there and she had bought me a ticket. She was like I bought you that ticket. It was expensive.
Speaker 1:And I was like well, I didn't want to go, and you knew that. And then, yeah, she, she made me cry. Uh, she told me I needed to see two therapists at the same time. She told me she had started therapy and I was like, well, I have two therapists. She was like, good, you need it. And then I started crying. I was like, well, I have two therapists. She was like good, you need it. And. And then I started crying.
Speaker 2:I was like that's so mean and and now we can laugh about it. And I remember a mutual friend was with us and I was. I felt so bad and I started comforting you and you were crying and I was like I'm so sorry and she was like wow, this is authentic friendship right here she's like.
Speaker 1:I've never seen a friendship so authentic in my life. But like we do hurt each other's feelings and I mean we'll say things.
Speaker 2:We just dumbly say, yeah, Give grace to the other people, you know where their heart is. Yeah, yeah, but that's it's not. It doesn't come right away.
Speaker 1:No, we we've been through a lot together, so, anyway, anything else that we should say about female friendships?
Speaker 2:No, but if our audience has any particular questions that they're curious about when it comes to friendships, please let us know. Maybe we can do a podcast from it. Yeah, so please always provide your feedback. We love to hear from you and we want to know what is going on in your lives so we can help you, because our goal here is to empower you guys and to help you through whatever challenges you're going through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and honestly, I wish you the most fulfilling friendships. I think, without my friends, I would be so sad, I would be so lost these people that I have in my life, that have stood by me through so many things and I stand by them through their hard times too that it's invaluable to have that. So I think that if you're listening to this and you're like I need, I need female friends, I need, I need this, I think I encourage you to don't give up on that pursuit and to start working on yourself and put yourself out there. It's worth it. All right, until next time. Bye, guys.