Episode 29: What Your Worst Relationship Actually Revealed About You

This one gets real.

We’re diving into the relationships that broke us… and what they actually revealed about us.

Not to blame.
 Not to shame.
 But to understand.

In this episode, we open up about our worst relationships—the red flags we ignored, the patterns we repeated, and the parts of ourselves we had to face in the aftermath.

We talk about:
 – Why we tolerate what we tolerate
 – How low self-worth disguises itself as “love”
 – The difference between validation and real connection
 – How past wounds shape who we choose
 – And what healthy love actually feels like after doing the work

Because the truth is…
 Your worst relationship didn’t just happen to you.
It revealed something within you.

And once you see it—you can finally change it.

If you’ve ever stayed too long, ignored your gut, or questioned your worth… this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This podcast is for the woman who refuses to settle. The one who knows she was made for more. It's for the audacious woman who is ready to burn the chips, own her story, and create a life built on radical self-belief.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

I'm Amanda Galloway. I'm Ashton Greer. We are your podcast hosts. And we welcome you to the Audacity Podcast. Hello. Hello, Amanda. Hi. Hello. I'm so happy to see you.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

It's our weekly date that we have with each other.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

It's my favorite time of the week.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

I love it too.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

I love Thursdays. I had a coach tell me yesterday, Amanda, go do something that you enjoy doing today. And I was like, I enjoy podcasting, and that's tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Um, I was a public speaker at this like networking event, and it was time to open up for questions. And one woman raised her hand and she was like, You do all these things. She was like, Of everything you do, what's your favorite thing to do? And I was like, the one thing that makes me no money.

unknown 1:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

You do not get paid. The thing that costs me money every month, but makes me no money, but that I love doing is my podcast. And I was explaining that it's like this time to just be authentic and unfiltered and with my best friend, and it's therapeutic. Yeah. And it's really serving.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

It is. Right. It is come with a servant heart.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

It's all those things. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we got into like, and when you're in all these professional roles, you have to have some sort of like armor kind of all the time. And um almost like a mask. I hate that saying that, but truly, like certain things aren't acceptable in you know, professional settings. The podcast is the place where I'm like, all the masks, all the armor can come off.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

And we just get to be.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Amanda and Ashton.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Right. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Me too.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

We are very authentic here. Yes. As we should be. So our um do any updates? Do we want to give any, is there anything going on in your life before we get into the topic?

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Oh yeah. Well, right now, um, me and Amanda are sipping lattes.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

So good.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

They're both, they're so pretty. And they're hers is uh caramel and mine is a chai, dirty chai. And they're they're both delicious. But updates in my life, yeah, there's a lot. So many things. Not worth sharing. Um, I would say the biggest thing right now is that this happens to me about once every two years, where I go through a cycle of like build, create, build, create, and then I go into this like sustain, sustain, sustain, and then I get into deconstruct mode. It's it one of my really good friends shared this with me a couple years ago that it's just like the human cycle. And I think about where am I on this cycle all the time. And I'm definitely on the downward part of the part of the cycle where I'm about to like burn shit to the ground and rebuild. So like every time that you do this in your life, you kind of like it's good. You burn away the things that aren't working for you and you take what is working and you get stronger and stronger. Yeah, you were fine. You you you like circle the spiral goes up and up and up and you become more and more like who you're supposed to be. Right. And I'm definitely in that little I'm starting to get restless. I'm evaluating everything. I'm yeah, asking some big questions, very itchy to make some changes. I'm looking at some properties today.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Yeah, feeling a little bit, I don't know, something, something's about to happen. Awesome.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Can't wait. Yeah. It'll be amazing. It always is. Yeah. I believe in Ashton so much. So much. Like this girl gets her mind on something and she goes above and beyond. It always impresses me. And a lot of people. You impress a lot of people. Thank you. So that's amazing. I'm glad to hear that. So that's what's new in my life. What about you? I've been depressive.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

That's honest.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

I've been funk. I mean, I okay, so full disclosure, I got off my Prozac. Okay. And I have horrible anxiety. Yeah, I do too. To the point that every time the phone rings in my office, my heart starts racing, and I think I'm thinking someone's canceling their policies with me. And I like start getting I freak out and I'm like, am I not going to reach my goal? And it looks like things are slipping. And the reality is not that. I'm just creating that in my mind. Worst case scenario. Yeah. Yeah. So catastrophizing. That's what they call it. Yeah. That's me. When it my professional life for sure. So I talked to my coach yesterday and he was like, Amanda, what happened in your childhood? And it was like deconstructing my my childhood and why I am the way that I am. And he was like, You just need to get in control of your thoughts. And I was like, You are so right. So I've really been trying to do some meditation and pausing and restructuring the thoughts I'm having in my head. And even when the phone rings, I'm like, that's a policy coming through. Like it's like really trying. This person's calling to give me a compliment. Yeah, because I swear, but this is not good on my body. I will literally have a heart attack of five years if this keeps operating the way it is. So I actually also go through a season, I go through seasons of feeling like this. And oftentimes this happens right before something amazing happens. Yes, I can relate to that. Yeah, so it's like a slingshot. Like I'm being pulled back only to be projected forward. Yeah. And every time I've gotten like this, something amazing has come out of it. I don't want to always be like a slingshot. I hope to get to the point of calmness because no one wants to feel like this. But yeah, just being fully transparent. Lately it's been hard, but there's good things coming.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Yeah, I was in a meeting yesterday about a project that has been significantly delayed at the Fisher Theater where I work. And he was like, Oh, Ashton, I bet this is just driving you crazy. You're so type A, like you're so organized. Are you like okay? And um I said, Hey, um, I don't want to say his name because I, you know, I don't know. I just protecting him or whatever. Yeah. But I said to him, we're gonna call him Bob.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Okay, Bob.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

I said, Bob, I have literally zero fucks left to give. Good. And he was he was like, he just kind of like cocked his head. And I was like, no, honestly, like I cannot worry about all these things anymore.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

That's a great thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Like this is this is gonna happen when it's supposed to happen. I can't control the contractors, I can't control the timeline, I can't. Like, I I was like, two years ago, Ashton would have been like using my willpower to somehow like try to speed it up, and I would have been anxious and frustrated. And, you know, I was like, you know, no, I'm not worried about it. And I was like, this is growth.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

I think it's also your priorities are shifting, right? Like when we have a burning desire to do something, our will follows.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

And that's not at the top of your priority list, and that's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

I mean, I want the project to be finished.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

Of course. But it's not the biggest spectrum problem that you need to work on.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

Oh absolutely. Like, I think my perspective on life is different where I just yeah, my priorities are different. I'm like, my kids are healthy, they're thriving. Gratitude. My family is good, I have enough money to pay my bills, you know, my tenants are happy, I have great friends. Like, these are my priorities. And so, like something like a project being completed. Oh, yeah, I'm I'm a little bit like, ugh, this is taking forever. But like, no, I'm fine.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

There was something else I was going to oh, our blooper from last week. A blooper. Our sign. Oh my gosh. Okay, yeah, tell them. Okay, we did not end up doing videos because we would literally look like dumbasses because our sign would have been backwards to you.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

We hung it backwards.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Because we th we were looking at the camera and we were like, this makes sense. The camera, it's it's showing backwards from what we're looking at right now.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah, the sign right here.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

But when we go to produce this, it'll flip the image and it'll be right. So that was just a funny uh yeah editing it.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

So then we're not we didn't share the video at all because we looked really stupid.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

And I mean Which is fine. It's fine. It's okay. We're new, we're new here. Yeah, we're new, we're figuring it out. So thank you for bearing with us. I do plan on getting this out on YouTube. I've heard that YouTube is hot again. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's a apparently really in. It's YouTube is really in. I've also played with the idea of TikTok reels. Okay. Personally and professionally. So, audience, if you have suggestions there, if you feel like that would be lucrative, please let us know. It's very time consuming to do reels though. Yes. Very, very consuming.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Yeah. Okay. You have to have like a window of time and patience and all the all that.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

Yeah, it takes me about an edit an hour to edit the podcast. I mean that edits every podcast. And I do the social media. So if you don't like the social media, that's on me. That's on Ashton. PSA. Thank you. Thanks for that. People don't get mad at Ashton. Be salty. Don't be mad at her. It's my dumbass over here. We love her. Just the um being silly.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Thank you for doing it. No bad thing. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Oh no, I'm fine. Um, but yeah, I just want you to know, like, there I uh Chat G P chat chat GPT um helps me with content creation. So it's not always uh it's not always spot on.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

No. You know what I did yesterday? Sorry, we're never gonna get to this topic. I like I told you, I'm in this deconstructed deconstruction destroying mode in my life of like something's gotta go. Something's gotta go and something new has to come. And I know that and I don't know what it is yet. But I was explaining my problems at ChatGPT, and I was like, here's all the things that I'm doing. And I like listed them out. And Chat GPT responded and was like, wow, you're definitely an overperformer. Uh but then but then ChatGPT was like, but you're an overperformer who's unfulfilled, and like, and then like went into like why. And it was so right. And I was like, oh, this is so true. Anyway, I do enjoy Chat GPT.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

I I'll talk to you about this later, but anytime that I'm feeling unfulfilled, I'll really get to the root of what do I want? Yeah. What do I want to feel? What does that look like? I really, really get into the weeds of that and get clarity because I think when man, that feeling of confusion and uncertainty is not a fun place to be in. Yeah. At all. Yeah. It can be very damaging. So yeah, Chat GPT, great for some things, not great for all things. Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

We're learning.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

So this is something that Amanda and I are going to talk about today. It's a good little segue. Chat GPT may not be good for what we're going to talk about.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

This is something that is personal and relationships and things like that are not always the best. Uh ChatGPT is a robot. Uh, we'll just start with that. So uh anyway, so today we're gonna talk about the title is what did your worst relationship teach you about your own self-worth? So Amanda and I both have histories of bad relationships. Yes. Something I'm learning is that uh I'm a big part of that. So damn it. That's been fun. Um when you consistently have bad relationships, like I'm the common denominator. So I'm like, okay, all right, I got some work to do. But um anyway, what every relationship that you have, you have takeaways from it.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Every single one, whether it's a friendship, a family member, a romantic relationship, you have uh you have a part in this one way or the other. It's it exposes a lot about you when it goes bad.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Right. And things you can do better. Yes. What can you what can I do better? What can I do better next time? How did I contribute to this? But also like, why did I tolerate that? Which I think is more the conversation today. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So we're gonna interview each other. Amanda and I are gonna ask each other some questions, but I think it'd be good to give a little bit of a framework of the relationship that you're gonna refer to and the relationship that I have.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

I have a couple because one was very toxic. Okay. The other one wasn't as toxic as it was sh the literally earth shattering shattering experience that I had. So they I don't know. I I will blend the two. Okay. So you had two worst relationships. I had one really bad relationship, one shocking relationship on how it ended, which made me realize that it wasn't as good as I had romanticized it to be.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Okay. Yeah. I thought about my relationships and I like made myself pick one. Okay. So I have one in mind. Easily the worst. Oh, uh several were bad, but this one is easily the worst, and there's a a lot of reasons why. Um, but the framework for this relationship is um it started when I was very young. Very young. Um, we went to high school together. There was like a crushy, flirty thing going on in high school. We never dated, but we kissed, and like it was I don't know. I was infatuated with this man. He was older than me. He graduated. I literally cried for like a year. I don't know. He would show up. He like, you know, went away and I thought he was going to college, but he dropped out. And anyway, um, he went away, and then I was very sad, and I had this like strong attraction to this man or infatuation or whatever. And I would like he would be in my dreams all the time, and I would think about him all the time. And so then when I got divorced, he reached out to me and I actually dated him. So this romanticy fantasy thing in my head in high school, I dated him as an adult, and it was easily the worst relationship I've ever had. So that is the one that I'm gonna talk about. That one fooled us all.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah. That was a bad one. Very bad. And we're not here to criticize the people. I mean, we could, but that's not the point of this. It's to help you understand where you may have played a part in that relationship, and it could have been from your past. Maybe you had some childhood trauma where this is it showed up in your relationship, or it could be some insecurities. It's really to try to help you glean some perspective on your own past relationships that were not healthy, and instead of demonizing that person, which is so easy to do, and instead of being victim, truly looking at it from the perspective of what part did I play and how could I not attract this in the future?

SPEAKER_03 15:09

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Agree. And I think a lot of it starts with healing some parts of yourself. Yeah. Uh being aware is the first step.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yes. So Amanda.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Um, at the time uh in your life where you were in the worst relationship of your life. Who were you at that time and what was it that you were craving the most? Validation.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

This was after my divorce.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

And both of us.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

The first relationship after the divorce. Both of us.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

First relationship after your divorce is the worst.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

You're in the worst state of mind.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Literally the worst. You are low vibration usually. You attract the low the low vibrating people. You're so sad. You are so sad. I actually heard this on a podcast one day, and I was like, oh my gosh, that's so true.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Yeah, you just need comfort. Yes. Like so badly. Yeah. You maybe you've not been alone for a very long time and then you're suddenly alone.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

It was someone to lean on, and it was such a it was so toxic and so engrossing.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

It was a relationship which took every part of my identity. And I I don't even know how to explain it. It almost it kind of reminds me of, you know how Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox, their relationship where it's so intense, intense and unhealthy and yet karmic. This person was really put in my life to teach me something. Yeah. And I'm so glad that I escaped that because it was so toxic. I was toxic as well. Um, but yes, that time in my life, that's that was a bad place.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

So, like in that relationship, when did you first feel like something wasn't right? Was it immediate? Were there red flags that you overlooked?

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Um there, of course, there were definitely red flags. I would say that I think it took some time once I was stable and on my feet to realize the red flags because I was acting out of survival mode. So when you're in survival mode, you are completely oblivious.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

It all is looking for a life raft.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Like you're hooking on to anything.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Yeah, like something to yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

So I think an escape hatch from your life. Absolutely. So I I did not notice the red flags right away because I was just not in a healthy mental place.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. So I guess so you tolerated this relationship for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

So what did you believe that you had to tolerate in order to be loved?

SPEAKER_00 17:52

I thought I deserved it.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

The behavior?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

What was the behavior?

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Abuse.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Okay. So abuse.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Yeah. I thought I deserved it because my marriage had ended and I felt so much guilt over it. I felt so bad that my family wasn't together. I was seeing the repercussions on my children. And I was like, oh my gosh, we did this to our kids. I deserve to be punished this way. Yeah. It wasn't a conscious thing that I it was a subconscious belief system that I felt. And I mean, if you're in that in that state of mind, I I just have so much empathy for you because no one deserves to be treated that way.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

Yeah, I have a friend who I was speaking to about a relationship that she was in, and she said the same thing. Like she had made bad decisions in her youth. And so then, like when she was in a toxic and bad relationship, she just felt like it was kind of like her penance, like her, if that's the right word, like she deserved it. It was like I asked for this. Like this is the best that I, you know, can have for my life because of the decisions that I've made.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

And he told me I would never find anyone that loved me the way he loved me.

SPEAKER_01 19:03

So did my, so did mine. Yeah. So the one that I'm referring to, the same relationship. When we when I broke up with him, he sent me this song that's like called Nobody's Ever Gonna Love You Like I Do. And like he was like, You have to listen to this, like, no one will ever love you as much as me.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Yeah. Yeah. But I and I honestly I think I believed that for some time. And then fast forward to my next relationship after that. I after that breakup, I really didn't think I would find anyone who would even stand up to that that quality of a person. And boy, was I wrong. Not to shit on him. Um, but yeah, I think as you grow, you start attracting people, and as also as you learn yourself, right? You start attracting people that align with you. And when you're young, I mean, it I can't believe that I got married at 23. You probably feel the same way. Yeah, I was 18. I mean, I did not know myself. Oh, like this girl should not have gotten married.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

So, um, I'm gonna I'm gonna keep interviewing you and then you can ask me questions.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

So during this relationship, were there moments like that you knew you deserved better, but stayed anyway, or was it just fully like, no, I I deserve this? And what did you what did you tell yourself like to justify staying?

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Right. So my voice is cracking, I sound like a teenage boy. So a part of this is the healing process, and I will reiterate that that when you are in a state of low vibration, you are sad, you are depressed, you are not in the place to make a healthy decision to be in a healthy relationship. You're just not there yet, right? As I grew, as I became healthy, as I started focusing on myself, I started getting into bodybuilding. I think I've talked about this before, but it truly was a pinnacle moment for me to realize that I did deserve more. But it wasn't until I started taking care of myself and my own mental health did I realize that.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Um, did your body, like or your intuition, signal to you that something was off? And what did that look like?

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Oh yeah. My intuition was way off, and every fight was so emotional and damning and just very, very, very toxic. My body was in fight or flight mode all the time. So I am one of those people now, because of that, which I'm recognizing that I want to leave because I'm scared that something bad is going to happen. And that's why anger is really hard for me to digest, is because of that relationship. Yeah, it's scary. It it's like a signal to your brain that it can go down that path. Right. So as I've Gotten older, and I think that many men express anger because it's their it's kind of like how they're conditioned, right? Like you can feel two different emotions. You can feel anger or you can feel happy. Also it's testosterone, yeah. You know, just like biologically more. So I did have to learn. I actually learned this through one of my mentors that anger is a secondary emotion. So once I started playing with that idea, it I became less reactive to it.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Yeah.

unknown 22:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Like there's something under the surface of that anger. Maybe it's shame or sadness.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Yeah. But there's no excuse for abuse.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

No. Ever. No, absolutely. Yeah. Agree. So what was the moment or the breaking point where you knew that you couldn't continue?

SPEAKER_00 22:48

I would love to say it was after my there was an incident that happened one night. It was New Year's Eve. And he just kept hitting me. And I would love to say that I left then. A healthy person would have left then. But I did not. I went back. Sadly. I and I d I don't know why. But eventually I was like, wow, this is a a pattern. This is an issue. Yeah. And I I can't even tell you that, but there was this sure moment, kind of like you experience, right? With your situation. It just an intuition came over me. And I was like, this is so bad. I need to leave. And I immediately, I think I did message him and I'm like, this is not healthy. We cannot do this because I genuinely love this person. So I didn't want to ghost them. Right. I mean, we were in a relationship. But I think at that point we weren't in a relationship. I think that we just like kind of kept each other around. And I finally was just like, I can't do this. I am blocking you. I blocked him, his phone number on social media. It was just the the it was such a clean break, but it needed to be done because otherwise it would have kept kindling.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Yeah. So what were you most afraid of losing? And then and then what did you actually lose? Worthiness.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

So I think a lot of times in these relationships, we want to feel worthy. And I at my core did not feel worthy. I was like, if someone loved me, that meant that I was worthy. If someone chose me, that meant that I was worthy. So I think what it taught me was that you can be worthy without these people. Yeah. And not to be codependent. I was very codependent. I think I actually was codependent for a while. And it taught me that you don't, you kind of you just need to love yourself before you can love anybody else. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you really have to look internally because otherwise I think we start looking externally. And whether that's another person or whether that is from success or whatever it might be, it could it really could be any type of external factor. Yeah. Then I think that that's when we are not at our core feeling worthy. Yeah. This is when I see, okay, so I will go back on my Instagram feed and I will look at my previous stories. And there was this time where I would post my gym selfies. I was like feeling myself, and I was like, I look so good. And there's nothing wrong with that. Right. There is nothing wrong with that. But now when I see women doing that, I'm like, oh, you know what? I know. I'm like, you're looking, you're looking for a little heart, a little fire emoji. You're looking for validation outside of yourself. And that's not true for everybody. Some people are just like so proud of their accompliments. So I do or accomplishments. So I do want to honor that. This is not everybody. That was just my experience. So I'm projecting it.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

Well, and I think what happens for women often is women really need attention.

unknown 26:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

We need it. Yeah. So like if you do have a partner and you're not getting it, or you're not getting affection or love, like it's an easy button to get that. And I think every woman's been there.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's I think just becoming aware of that is the most important thing. Yeah. And when you are starting to feel that way, just going deeper and be like, why am I feeling like this? Why am I seeking external validation? What can I do for myself in this moment to love myself?

SPEAKER_01 26:43

What boundaries do you have today that you didn't have at the time? And like, you know, basically, what did that relationship teach you about how to better love yourself?

SPEAKER_00 26:55

I don't know that it was necessarily just that relationship that taught me that. I honestly think it was a second relationship that taught me boundaries and self-love. And even to that, even to this day, it's something I'm working on. I think I learned that gosh, I and honestly, even my relationship with Antonio, I think, has made me grow more than anything.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

And it's through trials and tribulations that we've had that has gotten me to this self-aware part where I'm so much healthier too. Because I think we do tend to operate out of our past experiences. Yeah. And we don't get out of those past experiences until we experience them again and realize it's a problem. Yeah. So what I learned from that, the boundaries that I've learned is the behavior that I will accept. And that was a huge thing, especially with dating. Oof. It was tough out there. It was so rough. I mean, I cannot believe the audacity of some of these men. Yeah. No, you're right.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

I had a few situations too.

SPEAKER_00 28:07

It still shocks me to this day. And I don't know if it's just the conditioning society is having. I don't know if it's it's social media that's impacting this. But I tolerated men not calling me when they said they were going to call. I tolerated rescheduling dates. I tolerated just poor behavior that I should not have. So it was almost through like that dating experience where I was like, no, I'm a high value woman. Yeah. I deserve to be loved the way that I want to, but also not internalizing, not making it personal. Right. Was a big thing. Right. Because there's one guy that I dated. We'll call him Corey. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Corey. Corey. Okay. And Corey was very outgoing, very fun to be around. Right. He was, you met him. Yeah. Very nice. He was. He was a short king, which was not my favorite thing. And he had a temper. Yeah. Right. But he had inconsistent. He was in law enforcement, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He had very inconsistent behavior patterns and he had a toxic relationship with his ex. And he still had not gotten over that. And what that really taught me was that in order for me to be in a healthy place with someone healthy, we both have to be in a place where there's no hostility with our exes. There's, I mean, there can be pain there, right? There can certainly be pain there.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

Um But if you're still in contact with your ex and you're still like, yeah, like no, that's not cool.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

So my boundaries just shifted and I started focusing on just how should I be treated? What should it feel like? And I think at the beginning of when you are dating someone, it should be fairly easy. It is consistent behavioral patterns. Yeah. That they men will literally move mountains for you. If they want you, that you will know. You will absolutely know.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

If you if it's not clear they don't want you.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Okay. Did I answer that question? Because I kind of went off a tang on a tangent. Sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_01 30:17

Um, I think I think it's fine. Okay. So my last question for you. Um what are the non-negotiables that every woman should have, no matter what?

SPEAKER_00 30:29

Okay, so I have I'm gonna sit cross crisscross on my dress. I will say that everybody is so different, but I think the non-negotiables, and I think this goes for men or women, is one feeling safe in the relationship. I think, gosh, I almost like can't even think of anything outside of that because that is so fundamental. Yeah, like respect. Respect. Your boundaries not being violated. Right, right. Just having kindness, curiosity with one another, acceptance. Ash and I were actually just talking before about how people can have poor behavior, and yet you can still accept that part of them, and vice versa. They will also accept, like, there are some things about me that Antonio is probably like, I wish you would change, but I accept you for who you are and I love you. And I think that needs to also be projected onto your partner. Yeah. Is that they're like Antonio is perpetually late. He does not think ahead. If he's listening, he will agree with you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

Or agree with you. So, like, you know, it's part of it's just accepting, oh, this is a part of his personality.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

And that's can I love this and and accept it?

SPEAKER_00 31:41

Right. But that's a basement quality to one of his amazing qualities that I love far more than anything else.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

Like his free-spiritedness. His free-spiritedness. That's why he's always late.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Yeah. Yeah. And he he's so relationship oriented, so and it also it's a cultural thing. So I think that it is accepting and choosing your partner every single day.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Yeah. I remember this is a really vivid memory that I have from my marriage, which is not the relationship that I'm going to talk about. We've talked about that a lot on this podcast. Um, but we had a mentor that was talking to us about our marriage because I mean, it was just it was bad for a long time. And this person said to my ex-husband, dude, like 90% of the relationship is just not being an asshole to your partner. Because they had witnessed so many times where he would just like dismiss me, like make me feel stupid, like all the things that he would do, not talk to me, not hold it in my hand ever, not want to sit by me. Just like all the things that were just consistently asshole-ish. And I remember being like, wow, that's really good advice. Like 90%, just don't be an asshole to your partner. Just be loving.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Be curious. Be yeah, be loving. Yeah, be loving. Be there for them. Talk to them. Don't be mean. Like just treat them like your priority.

unknown 33:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Like your cherished priority.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

You know, it's as I was listening to a it was a Catholic podcast. There's this Father Schmitz is the guy's name, and he is, he does tiny little episodes. Today was like a seven-minute episode, and it was about love. Yeah. And it's like you think you love your partner and it or even, you know, what whoever it might be, but do you actually love them? Are you constantly criticizing them because that's not love? Right. Are you actually seeing them as a human being, as a spiritual person? And I think we can learn a lot from that. Are we, I mean, whether it's someone that you see in a store, or whether it's a client, or whether, you know, whoever it might be, seeing them for being an actual human with programming that makes them who they are today. And it's not, it's going to be significantly different than your programming, and that's okay. Yeah. So I do try to have a lens with people for seeing them with their humanness.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

Yeah. It reminds me of this, I follow this male influencer that talks a lot about relationships in marriage. And one of the things that he talks about is how in a relationship, a a healthy woman or like a loving woman won't like nitpick or criticize her husband, but will call him into the highest version of himself. Inspire him. I believe that. Inspire him to be that by loving him. By saying, like, not like you suck and you need to fix this, but by saying, like, hey, um, I've noticed this. Are you hurting in this area? Like, why are you slipping here? Um, can I help you? Right. Like, what do you need? You know, maybe just like putting your hand on his shoulder and saying, like, it's gonna get better. Yeah. Like you can overcome this. There's a that's a completely different approach. And it it really challenges me because I tend to get so annoyed. That then I'm just like, why are you doing that?

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Like, you know, instead of being like easy to get defensive, right? I had this experience with Antonio last week, and we were both low vibing. It was a whole thing. We were both feeling That's the worst when you're both in your low frequency and we weren't even fighting, but we were certainly annoyed with him. Irritated. He well, he was far more annoyed with me than he was with him. I was just like low vibe on work stuff. And instead of being defensive, I was I opened my heart and I allowed myself to be curious. And then it showed me a whole different perspective. Yeah. That allowed me not to take it so personally. Yeah. So when we talk about fundamentals, I think communication is number one. Yeah. I mean, obviously feeling safe and communication is a huge component of that, probably the component of it. Strong communication in a relationship will make it last. Yeah. I do believe that. I agree. Before I ask you questions, I did a I made some notes on what my previous relationships taught me about myself that I don't know that I truly got to. And I I think these are important for people to think about with their own perspective. So first I didn't have boundaries. I had a fear of losing a per someone. I sought that validation. I said yes when I didn't want to say yes. I really put that person in front of myself.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

And that can create tension and just a volatile relationship. And I when you self-abandon.

SPEAKER_02 36:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

I did a lot of self-abandonment. I was chasing validation, not love, which I I think I stated on that quite a bit. I wanted to feel chosen so desperately. Yeah. And that came from a childhood wound. My patterns didn't start with them. It was really how my past past shaped who I was. Um I have abandonment wounds, or I had um that was familiar to me. So I accepted it, right? There's a lot of times in relationships where we will accept poor behavior because that's how we grew up. It was it's familiar.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

So you you're like, oh, well, my dad was like that. So yeah. We don't we don't really consciously think of it. Yeah. But um I think I also said this too, like toxic felt like chemistry.

unknown 37:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:42

And that is something that I started questioning deeply when I started dating. And that one guy that I dated, there was a lot of chemistry. Yeah, Corey. But it would have been an incredibly toxic relationship had we dated. I can see it clearly now. Yeah. But it's almost like those feelings like chemistry, it's your nervous system.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

That backing forth, like banter almost, but it's yeah, you can feel when it's dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

It's almost like it's it's exciting, but it's not it's not good. Yeah. If you are looking for that excitement, just know that that is your nervous system responding in a way that is not healthy.

unknown 38:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Yeah. And sometimes I think you have to experience that until you've had enough.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

And then you've had enough. Yes. Yeah. And you're like, okay, I've had enough of that.

SPEAKER_00 38:33

Right. That's when you know you've healed that pattern. Right. Which is great. Um, I also saw red flags, but I didn't want to accept them because I didn't want to be alone. Yeah. This is so true to my last relationship that imploded. I knew, I knew in my gut I did not need to marry that man. Yeah. I knew. Yeah. Like I was talking to someone about it constantly, a therapist, and I was like, I feel so bad, like I don't know what to do. I love him. But I knew that person would not have been good for me long term. Yeah. And I knew that I deserved better. Not that they're a horrible person, but they just did not align with the values in the life that I felt.

SPEAKER_01 39:22

Sometimes people just don't align.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Yeah. I also had an identity tied to being the one who makes it work.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, you just had a failed relationship. So you really want to make sure that like it doesn't keep failing.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:35

Yeah. So you're even more committed to making it work even when it doesn't work.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

Yeah. I think a lot of women do that. Mm-hmm. And at some point you just have to accept it.

SPEAKER_03 39:44

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 39:44

Um, I also confuse potential with reality. I fell in love with who I thought they should be or could be.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:51

I did this most of my life.

SPEAKER_01 39:55

Yeah. And you saw like the person for their best and who they could potentially grow into, but not who they actually were in that moment. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe what you wanted them to be. And your own naivety and fairy tale version of it.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Right. But th that's very damning to the other person because they're like, why can't you just love me as I am? Yeah. So I have taken off those road c rose colored glasses, which I think we've both we've had those on for years. Yeah, I don't know. Mine are gone now, I think. Yeah. I think I think they are too. Yeah. And um I they have served us in some certain way, but no longer. Yeah. All right. So I'm going to turn the tables and ask you some questions. Okay, I'm ready. All right. Let me just sit here. So we're going to first talk about before the she's wearing a dress. All right. So before the relationship. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

So you were young, right? Well, the when I met him, I was really young. And then when I actually dated him, I was in my 30s. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

All right. So looking back back, what made you vulnerable to that relationship?

SPEAKER_01 41:08

Well, um, I got married when I was 18. And then after 14 years of marriage where I was not cherished, um that does a lot to your self-worth. And like I think I was just so starved for affection. Like I had not had an affectionate partner for a very long time. And like my love language, like ever like ever. And my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. And he was harsh with his words, and he didn't want to be like, he did not want to touch me. So I think my tank was empty and my needs were not met for so long that when I did go like back out into the dating world after my husband and I had ended our relationship. So I was on Bumble for one day. I remember that. I got on Bumble for one day. I got on Bumble, created my Bumble profile. And then I went to sleep. I did it late at night. I went to sleep. I woke up in the morning and I had 387 notifications. It's wild out there. Okay. But the first face on my screen was this guy from high school.

SPEAKER_00 42:28

What do we want to call him?

SPEAKER_02 42:34

Rusty. Rusty. Okay. It's Rusty. It's better than his current name. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

Okay. So anyway, we we are not haters of this man. Um, however, it is a crazy story.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

It is a crazy story.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Crazy story.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

So Rusty was so fooled by this.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Messages me and says, OMG Ashton, I cannot believe like you're on bumble. Like what happened, you know? Because I had been married all this time. Anyway, we like start talking, then we start texting, and then he's like, I never thought you'd get divorced. Like, I've been checking on you for years, like just hoping I would have a chance, you know, everything that my little heart wanted to hear because this was the guy that rejected me in high school, who was older than me, who was the cool kid. You know, like he was super attractive and very just mysterious. I don't know. Um, and so, you know, my younger self had been rejected by him. And then my older self, after ending this marriage, this man was like wanted me. So it was like, maybe I should give it a try. I really was attracted to him when I was younger. Yeah. So we started dating. Um, but my state of mind at the time was very I mean, I was heartbroken over ending my marriage. I did not want to do that. I still was in love with my husband when I ended my marriage, which is a hard, hard thing to do. I finally loved myself enough to file for divorce. But But I was still in love with him. I woke up every day missing him. I tried like my friends, family, everybody literally had to keep me from going back for like a year or more. Um I missed him a lot. So that was my state of mind. Um move on, move on to somebody new, survive. And um I actually did have quite a romance with Rusty. It ended up being a really good distraction, I guess, in that way.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

What? Okay, so it was spontaneous and fun, probably at the beginning, but then the poor behavior started showing up.

SPEAKER_01 44:34

I mean, the red flags were there immediately. Okay. Immediately. Like our first date was at his apartment. I went over there, he made me dinner. It was it was fun, flirty and whatever. But his apartment was a little dirty, um, which is normal for bachelors. So that's not that big of a red flag. But um, I eventually learned that he was on house arrest, which is why he couldn't have the date outside of his apartment.

SPEAKER_00 45:02

But we had our this everything about this story is like Okay, Ashton at this point, we I just want to preface it by saying Ashton is one of the kindest, sweetest people. And she was wearing these bright red rosy glasses for a long time. Uh-huh. You did. Yeah. So I want to preface that by saying, like, she truly was seeing the best in this person.

SPEAKER_01 45:24

I was. I was like, well, he's been through a hard time.

SPEAKER_00 45:27

Like maybe he's overcome it.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

You know, I believed everything that he said. He, you know, he told me like he had turned it around, like, whatever. Anyway, I didn't ask too many questions because I was just so enthralled by the fact that the high school boy that rejected me wanted me now. I literally, it was my inner child needed validation. This this thing came full circle because in the end, I didn't want him anymore. So like he said no to me in high school. And then as like grown adults, I said no to him and like left him with the same broken heart that he left me with in high school. So anyway, it's it's interesting. But yeah, so the red flags were there all along. And I didn't want to see them. And then also I had become attached to him because he was validating me. He was um sweet and kind and affectionate, all the things I had been starved of for so so long.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

Yeah, I could see you getting into that. And especially with how much you needed that physical love and um attention. So were there moments that you knew you'd served better, but you stayed anyway? And if so, why?

SPEAKER_01 46:34

Um, here's what I would say is that this man was a this man. This man. This man. Sorry. Rusty. This rusty man.

SPEAKER_00 46:47

It's just perfect for the Midwest.

SPEAKER_01 46:49

So funny. Okay. Okay. He was a seasoned liar. Yeah. A incredibly, I mean, psych psychological, like, what's the word when somebody's like a compulsive liar? There's a word for it. He lied. I wasn't gonna say that. But there was like there was this ease. Here we are, uh ease to lying. So like everything that every story he told me was so smooth. He had an answer for everything, a reason he was on house arrest, a plan for his future. Like he had scripts for everything.

SPEAKER_00 47:24

Yeah, he did.

SPEAKER_01 47:25

He was a very smooth talker, whatever. So I didn't really tolerate super bad behavior in the sense that like didn't know. I only saw him, I only saw him on the weekends. He was a good boy when he was with me for the most part. Yeah. He was kind. He said all the right things. Super loving, kind. He would send me flowers, like he would deliver. One time I was like working late, he had Doordash, Chinese food delivered to me, like just little things like that. So even though we weren't together all the time, it still felt like he was thinking about me. He was texting me regularly and calling. He was very consistent. He definitely wanted to be with me. Um, but so all that is like that seems good, right? But the really bad part of this is like I because I was so desperate for all those things that are just like should just be standard.

SPEAKER_02 48:15

Right.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

I was so desperate for all those things that all the bad things like him being on house arrest, having three DUIs, not having a driver's license, not having a driver's license, having very little contact with his um son because his ex had custody because he couldn't drive and whatever. He had no friends. He had no friends. It was him. He had a bad relationship with his family.

SPEAKER_00 48:39

Make sure when you're dating, these guys have friends.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Yeah, he had no friends. Um, bad relationship with his family, um, very little money, like all of the things that were there didn't matter because he was nice to me, which literally tells you how low my bar was because I had been with someone who was not nice to me for over a decade.

SPEAKER_00 49:02

Okay. Yeah. So did you feel like, did you feel that something was off?

SPEAKER_01 49:11

So what happened is I eventually learned that when he and I were not together, he was sleeping with other women. And I also learned that he was still an alcoholic. So like he would binge drink when I wasn't around. I like wouldn't hear from him for a day and he'd be like, oh, sorry, my phone died. But like really, he like got really drunk and slept with someone else. And so I have no idea how many women he slept with when we were dating. I don't know. All I know is that when I found out, uh it was really traumatic. So, like, I tolerated all those bad qualities in him just because he gave me some semblance of affection and attention, which I had not had for so long. Um, and also I believed the best in him. And then when I found out he was lying to me, that he was an alcoholic, that he was still using drugs, like he told me I haven't used drugs in years. And like, I mean, honestly, the man was a compulsive liar.

SPEAKER_00 50:13

Compulsive liar.

SPEAKER_01 50:14

Compulsive. Yeah. Um, when I found out that all of it wasn't true, and we had been dating for like five or six months at this point. I found out he was at my house. I had like, we were out to dinner at a bar. I had left to go do something. He stayed at the bar, okay? Well, he wasn't thinking, obviously, because I know everyone in this town. And I later talked to the bartender and he was like, you know, after you left, he took four shots of whiskey, one after the other. And I was like, What? You know, and he was like, Yeah, you left. He ordered four shots of whiskey, two like two double shots. And he was like, I just wanted you to know, like, you know, and I was like, Okay. So then I started noticing signs that he was abusing alcohol. And and anyway, when I found out, it was like this this this girl messaged me out of nowhere, and she was like, Hey, I'm so sorry. I wanted you to know, like, I didn't know he had a girlfriend, and I would never do that to another girl. And yeah, she was like, I'm so sorry. I thought he was really nice. And but she was one of the girls that he had slept with when we were dating. So that happened, and then I I found out about another one, and then I kept coming. Yeah, and then I it was like all these lies like just kept unfolding. And then I ended up calling his ex. I finally just like called her and I was like, Listen, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but like I need to know what happened. And apparently their entire relationship, which was eight years long, women would message her that he had slept with him. He would deny it. He was a compulsive liar, very good liar. Like you couldn't tell, like his, you know. Um, so like she had the same experience, but then it went like a step further where like he had actually like violated her and installed cameras in her bathroom, and he was on house arrest several times during their relationship.

SPEAKER_00 52:06

And just very bad pattern.

SPEAKER_01 52:08

Very, very bad. And so when I realized this, I mean I went into like shock pretty much, like, oh my god, like how was I fooled by this man? And then I had to go get SCD tested. So I like went to the doctor sobbing. I just broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he's been cheating on me the whole time. I have no idea what I've been exposed to. So I get tested with like tears running down my face, you know, to make sure that like I didn't have anything. Something I never thought I would have to do. Did that. I mean, I had been with one man, you know, like my whole life. So it just was so unfair to me. Uh yeah. And then I broke up with him. And then he had the audacity to like continue telling me he loved me more than anyone else ever could. And please don't tell people I cheated on you. I didn't do that. That was all people were lying to you.

SPEAKER_00 52:59

Or telling people, oh my gosh, this is Rusty the felon that I dated. Rusty read you eyes. He also sent me a message one time on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he was drunk. And he was like, That video you posted was horrible. It's embarrassing to even watch. It was like one of my work ones.

SPEAKER_01 53:13

And I was like, bro, like Amanda's not embarrassing. You are.

SPEAKER_00 53:18

Anyway, I have it in your own lane over there, sir.

SPEAKER_01 53:21

No, well, even since this this man messaged me when when I was saving my last boyfriend out of the blue, and he was like, This man is not for you. I just know you. This is not for you. This is not your man. And I was like, block. Yeah, I literally was like blocked him immediately. I was like, please, please don't. You don't get to have any input into my life. And I blocked him. But yeah, it was at the time, it was devastating. And I did have to take a look in the mirror and be like, wow. I overlooked everything because I was so, so starved and so had such low self-worth because of what I had been through.

SPEAKER_00 53:53

So after that, it's such a different experience from mine because one, like I was literally, there were signs, there were issues. Like I was completely ignorant, not ignorant to them. I was aware of them, but I didn't create action.

SPEAKER_01 54:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 54:10

This one you had no idea. Like you, it's in the relationship and it's in of itself, not until the very end did you know these things.

SPEAKER_01 54:18

I mean, minus the the I mean, so many people had kind of said things to me when I started dating him.

SPEAKER_03 54:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:27

Like my mom is really good friends with his family. He and I grew up together. We have like a family connection, and she was like, Listen, so-and-so called me, and like, you should not date him. You know, and she was like, I I've heard all these things, I know all these things. Yeah. So like that happened, and then like other women were kind of like, I don't know, Ashton, like he doesn't have a good reputation. And and then there were the DUIs, and then there was the house arrest, and then there was like he would call off work all the time because he was hungover.

SPEAKER_00 54:56

That was a big that was a big thing. He wouldn't wasn't consistent at work.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

His phone would die, you know, in parentheses, his phone would die when he was really like sleeping together. There were signs.

SPEAKER_00 55:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 55:06

There were signs.

SPEAKER_00 55:08

What to get back to the topic of we said we weren't going to bash them, but um, this was clearly a case of this was someone that was fooling all of us, right? So we want to preface that by just saying, like, this is the backstory.

SPEAKER_01 55:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:27

And clearly there were signs, but you had rose-colored glasses. And a need for that validation. A need for that validation from the man that rejected me when I was young. So, how did you show up differently in the next relationship? For what did you learn from that? That was like, I need to have some self-awareness of this particular thing before I jump into another or go into another relationship.

SPEAKER_01 55:51

Well, my husband, my first relationship, like, you know, had issues with addiction. And then Rusty also had addiction, yeah, alcohol and sex addiction. And so going into the next relationship, I think I've become very aware of addiction.

SPEAKER_00 56:18

And But why do you think you were you were attracting these people that had these qualities about them?

SPEAKER_01 56:29

Um I think it has a lot to do with who I am at my core. I've always had very deep empathy and very like healer energy.

SPEAKER_00 56:42

Like I why did you want to heal them?

SPEAKER_01 56:44

So well, what I'm saying is like I think I'm energetically drawn to people that are hurting. And people that are hurting have addictions because it numbs the pain. Yeah. So I think it literally has to do with the fact that in my life there is a part of me that heals or that wants to heal. The problem is that's a beautiful thing, but the problem is when that enters into a partnership, I'm not equally yoked with them.

SPEAKER_00 57:18

I agree. But I want to take this even deeper. Uh-huh. Because I think that there's something else there that I'm just curious about, and maybe there isn't. Uh-huh. You can be a healer, but there's a reason you're a healer. There's a reason you are like that. There's a core there's something that maybe happened in your childhood or something that it's like I I have this need to heal to fill a part of me. It is it is not without some reason.

SPEAKER_01 57:51

Yeah. I half agree with that. Yeah. I half agree. Because from the time that I was tiny, I mean, I would bring home like wounded animals.

SPEAKER_00 58:04

I know you told me this. Uh oh, they're tearing down that building beside us. Oh my god. Shook. Sorry guys, our whole podcast studio just shook. Or is that an earthquake? That was crazy.

unknown 58:22

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 58:23

Maybe the universe is telling us something, Ashton. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 58:25

Anyway, but I do think there's a part of me that found.

SPEAKER_00 58:30

If we die, I'm glad that I'm dying with you.

SPEAKER_02 58:32

Me too. Me too.

SPEAKER_01 58:34

I love you too.

SPEAKER_02 58:36

Oh my gosh. That was earth-shattered. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 58:40

It was very the whole building shook. I wonder if they They're installing an HVAC unit on the roof. I'm wondering if they dropped it. There is a crane dropping a heating unit. My mom and I have a commercial building that Amanda and I are in right now, and they're they're replacing the heating and air conditioning system today. So it's probably that. Hopefully. Hopefully it didn't break the building because holy cow.

SPEAKER_00 59:02

Otherwise, our our deaths will be captured on video. Oh my gosh. So anyway. Okay, so back to what you're saying. You have to agree.

SPEAKER_01 59:09

A part of me, I believe, found love and acceptance through helping other people.

SPEAKER_00 59:14

Like it's your purpose. Yeah. Purpose is to help people. Yeah. Totally agree with that.

SPEAKER_01 59:18

Yeah, like found love and acceptance to that.

SPEAKER_00 59:20

But I think we all have a desire to help each other.

SPEAKER_01 59:24

But that without boundaries or self-love or self-worth becomes self-sacrifice, which is the world that I lived in for the first 30 years of my life. Yeah. I am gradually coming out of it and it is so hard.

SPEAKER_00 59:39

Yeah. I can see that you've come out of it. Yeah. I truly can. I'm coming out. I think that you do have a servant heart. I mean, you even have that tattoo on your hand that says servant. And I think that is a beautiful quality to live by.

SPEAKER_02 59:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:52

I think that everything we do as human beings, especially when it comes to our profession, should be from a serving place instead of a getting place. Yeah. In my profession, I've learned that energy, if you are, especially salespeople, you can feel, you can feel that that getting energy versus servant energy. So I anyway, aside from that, I do agree with you on that. I think that there are some people out there who are in professions of wanting to heal people, but from a place that they haven't healed themselves. Yeah, for sure. So that's a and I don't think that's your per I that's not you.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:30

Well, I have healing to do too. And I and I feel like I have been doing that. But yeah, there's something in me that felt like my worth came from how much of myself I could give. And like love love loving somebody wasn't as valuable if they weren't difficult to love. Interesting. Yeah. Love feels more powerful when the person that I'm loving is hard to love.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:56

Ah. And if she feels worthy.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:58

Yeah. If they're easy to love, like I just feel selfish because they're taking care of me and like they Which is so Virgo. Yeah, I'm like, this is like this is icky.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:08

Like you.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:09

Yes, this is icky. So like I I want and desire a partner that I can help and love and care and nurture for, but it has to be reciprocal. They have to do that for me too. Otherwise, it just becomes an unhealthy dynamic of a giver and a taker, which is all that I've experienced um up until I would say the last year, I've really started to flip that pattern.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:32

I think in a relationship, you're always helping one another and evolving one another. If you are constantly helping the other person and they're not reciprocating that, that is where boundaries need to be in place. And maybe you're not aligned with that person. Maybe you are, I'm thinking of a relationship, not mine, but maybe you are significantly older than that person and you're finding yourself in a parent role. That's not good. Yeah. And maybe they're just mentally not mature. I think that you have to be in a dynamic that is equal. Like you are equally partners. You're equally giving. You're not constantly trying to drain from your own bucket to fill theirs, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:19

Well, this circles back to the addiction question that you asked me of why did I keep being attracted to men like that? And the answer is in everything that we're saying that I felt validated by how difficult someone was to love. That like I felt like I could heal them, could help them, and that would mean something about me. People who have addictions, the addiction comes first. So they really can't fully be an equal. They can't fully give back to you because addiction is consuming. Very. And so the people that I was choosing that had these real I it's one thing to like struggle with something or to have a, you know, some sort of a dependency that you're fighting through. But if you're like deep into an addiction with a substance, um, the people that I was was with you know, had chosen to be with in my life couldn't put me first. They actually literally couldn't because their the condition and state of their brain and their own trauma and their addictions. So I was choosing people that couldn't put me first and I put them first. And so there was it was always out of balance, and I was always self-abandoning, over and over self-abandoning for this other person to try to help them. Yeah, that that is my pattern.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:37

I have one more question for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:39

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:40

To sum this up because I I know. Yeah, it's we're an hour in. What does healthy love feel like now compared to then?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:50

I'm still learning a lot about it because I have had a lot of not great examples. Um healing for me has looked a lot like the more I love myself, the less obsessed I am with this scale, or if my pants are a little tight, or if I have acne, or you know, just those things that we can fixate on as women, the more I accept my imperfections, that I sometimes handle things wrong, that I'm not perfect, that achievement is not my self-worth. Like the more lessons I learn about myself, the better my relationships are in the sense that I'm not holding my partners to really high expectations to validate my wounds on the flip side. So like I've become more accepting, more loving, less toxic, yeah, more healed. Okay, so that's happened in my life at the same time with that healing, because the need for validation is less and my own self-love is more, I have more resiliency towards being on my own. I have more resiliency towards being independent. So I have higher standards for my relationships, and I'm willing now to say that I don't tolerate this, period. Like this is something that, hey, I've been through this, I've experienced this, this is a behavior that I won't tolerate. You know, you can't yell at me, period. You I know like when you fight you're angry, but like you gotta get that under control. I won't tolerate any sort of addiction. Addiction. Yeah, we can yeah, we can say addiction. Like if there's something that you're dependent on, like I need to see that you're working on it, working through it, like addiction, depending on it. Potency, respect, like I don't know. I think just my my own standards have gone way up. And my own self-love has gone way up. And the two things go up at the same time. And the the more I trust myself and the more I love myself, I think the easier I am to love. Yes. And the harder it is to meet my standards all at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:23

Yeah. So I think that's helpful. I think that what I see in you is accepting that people are not perfect, being curious about their imperfections. Yeah. You're not holding them to a standard in which is unachievable. Right. Because even your experience growing up, you were set to the standard in which will always be unachievable.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:48

Because you can't be perfect.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:50

And I'm seeing your love for yourself grow.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:55

And you're like, you know, if someone doesn't meet the stand these standards, that's okay. And they're not crazy standards.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:01

No, my standards aren't crazy. And I have a lot of, a lot of love and compassion for people.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:06

You do. But you also have them with a firm boundary of self-love.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:12

Right. And my partner's struggles no longer directly correlate to my self-worth. Yes. It's not like, oh, he's this way because I'm not enough to make him change. Yeah. That was kind of the narrative before. He won't change for me. Now the narrative is this is a real thing that that my partner has an imperfection. And you know, he struggles or he's whatever. And um can I separate that from myself? And then I have to decide, is it acceptable to me? Do I want this in my relationship? Do I want this in my life? It's a it's a dance, it's a balance, but it's much healthier in my life now, and I am no longer accepting the bare minimum. Um, I am no longer dating alcoholics that cheat on me. The world thing. Thank you. Yeah, we made it through that phase. Um, and it's getting better. I don't know. So got a ways to go.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:11

Right. And you shouldn't accept the bare minimum, right? So very good. Um, all right. Well, we have made this episode go so long, so we are gonna wrap it up here. But we hope you have a great week. Bye guys.