Episode 30: From Survival to Self-Worth with Mandy Nelson

This episode is one of the rawest and most powerful conversations we’ve had on The Audacity. Amanda sits down with Mandy Nelson to talk about addiction, childhood trauma, sexual abuse, emotional healing, recovery, identity, breast cancer, and what it really means to break generational cycles.

Mandy shares how she went from a chaotic upbringing, substance abuse, and losing herself in survival mode… to rebuilding her life through therapy, self-awareness, love, work ethic, and purpose.

This isn’t a story about perfection. It’s a story about resilience. About becoming the woman you were never shown how to be. About learning that your past does not have to define your future.

If you’ve ever struggled with self-worth, addiction, emotional pain, or reinventing yourself after hardship, this episode will stay with you. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This podcast is for the woman who refuses to settle. The one who knows she was made for more. It's for the audacious woman who is ready to burn the ships, own her story, and create a life built on radical self-belief. I'm Amanda Galloway. I'm Ashton Greer. We are your podcast hosts, and we welcome you to the Audacity Podcast. Before we begin today, we want to offer a content disclaimer for this episode. This is an open and honest conversation with a woman I deeply admire, someone who has endured tremendous hardship and is now courageously reclaiming her life and her future. In this episode, we discuss difficult and potentially triggering topics including drug use, addiction, trauma, prostitution, and child abuse. Please take care of yourself while listening and only continue if you feel emotionally comfortable doing so. We share this story not for shock value, but because healing, resilience, and truth matter. And we believe that stories like this can help others feel less alone. Yeah, I am here today with another Amanda because my Amanda is in Mexico. So a couple weeks ago, I was in Mexico. Um, and now it's her turn. But I saw like her location, she and I share a location because we're, you know, best friends. We take care of each other. And she's on the same island that I was on in Mexico. So like we literally went to the same place, like two weeks apart, and we didn't plan this. And this is how in sync she and I are we're crazy, crazy best friends. But anyway, when Amanda's gone, um, I bring on a guest. And when I'm gone, she brings on a guest. And so today, my guest is also named Amanda, but it's Amanda Nelson, and she goes by Mandy, right? Mandy. Okay. So I'm gonna introduce her and then we're gonna get into it. But typically our podcasts are about like a certain topic and we kind of dive deep into that topic. But actually, today we're just gonna hear someone's life story. So when I met Mandy, I don't really know how to describe this, but it just felt like I was meeting a kindred spirit or someone that I could trust, um, someone that's very warm, open, and wise. And I don't think you gain that sort of wisdom and acceptance of other people unless you yourself have like been through the fire. So I don't, I actually don't even know her whole story. All I know is that I want to hear it. And that I think all of our listeners would really benefit from hearing from her too. So a little bit of information about like background, okay. So she's from the Champaign area, uh Gibson City, right? And then kind of grew up around there. And then in 2017, she and her fiance actually moved here to Danville to make a home for themselves. So they're here uh raising her fiance's son, and he's a senior. And she, I actually met Mandy at Breezy Bar and Girl. She's the manager there. So she's in management, girl power. She runs Breezy Bar and Girl with uh the owners, and she's just the best. I absolutely love seeing her. She says that um she'd like to talk about being a late bloomer because of her upbringing, and that she's managed to break a cycle, a dysfunctional cycle, and she likes to make lemonade out of lemons, which is awesome. She is a breast cancer survivor. She has a very interesting story about overcoming life struggles and circumstances. And she also used to be an entrepreneur. So she had a bachelor's degree in landscape design, owned a landscaping company, had a lot of clients, 28 clients that she worked with, and she's still very close to them. But due to her cancer and chemo, her body just couldn't do the hard labor anymore. So now she is moving into leadership in restaurant industry, which is awesome. I love it. And I see her every week at Breezy Bar and Grill. And I just, she was like, You have a podcast? I was like, Yeah, I do. And she's like, I I want to be on it. And I was like, I want you to be on it. So today we are gonna learn about her story. So welcome, Mandy. Thank you. Yes, I'm so excited to have you here. And can you go ahead and maybe just tell us whatever you want to tell us about your life and how you grew up and how you got to be like where you are today?

SPEAKER_00 4:15

Yeah, sure. So where do I start? So I was telling you earlier, I was telling you earlier that like um my parents got divorced when I was two. And obviously I don't remember any of that, but that's kind of I think thinking back to my childhood as like my parents have told me stories, my grandparents have told me stories. Um, I think that's where things kind of flipped upside down for me was when my parents separated and my mom kind of lost her way. And my dad was like, What do I do with a two-year-old little girl? You know, she needs to be with her mom, which I really didn't need to be with her, honestly. So um, you know, my mom went through um lots of boyfriends, lots of men, um addiction. Um, it taught me a lot of kind of dysfunctional things. I was kind of back and forth between her and my grandparents and stuff. And then my little sister was born when I was seven, and that changed my world because it gave me a purpose. Like I wanted, I'll get emotional. But I I didn't really have a purpose until she was born. I did I struggled in school, didn't do well in school. Um, and then so in my junior year, I ended up dropping out and moving away from home. Uh, I moved back to Champaign just because I had a boyfriend there and all the wrong reasons, honestly. And um left my little sister behind, which was one of the worst things I could possibly have done, I think. Um I didn't have a choice, but I did. She ended up worse off than I did. You know, I went through some struggles, addiction. Um, I was able to be snatched away from that at one point in my life, and it saved me. Um, but my sister is still like drowning in the trenches of addiction. And my mom is too. It's so sad. But, you know, um, seeing that it's obviously sad, but it gives me drive to be a better woman. Um it's kind of sad, you know. Most little most women are like, I want to be like my mom, you know, you know, and when I was young, I wanted to be just like my mom. But now that I'm older, I want to be just the opposite of her. And I do love my mom. I pray for her, but you know, almost every single thing that I do in life, I'm like, I want to do this the opposite way of how I was trained to do it, how I how my mom always did it. And like we were talking about earlier, unlearning things, you know. Um, I've had a lot of years of therapy to unlearn the things that were taught to me. For a lot of years, like my mom taught me that I had a gold mine between my legs when I was 12 years old. Like, baby girl, you got a gold mine between your legs. You can get anything you want in life. Wow. And so this was my mindset for many, many years.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

And honestly, until I met my fiance, like I that's why I couldn't get happy in relationships because in my mind, I'm like, well, I got a gold mine between my legs, you know. You know where that takes you, you know where that can take you in life, obviously. And plus, I was an addict too, so it didn't take me very great places.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

And then I met Jessica and she was like, You have a treasure. Like you, you're a treasure. You're not like she, my fiance was raised totally different than me, Pentecostal, you know, and um she is just a totally different woman than me, covered in tattoos, but a Pentecostal. I love that. I love that. Tattooed Pentecostal, but anyways, so um she, you know, she has kind of helped me relearn things. Yeah. Relearn my life, relearn what a woman is supposed to feel about herself, what a w how a woman is supposed to conduct herself in public and um even by yourself, you know. And so I think throughout that, like um I didn't have a very good work ethic before we got together. And she taught me how a woman is supposed to work and make a life for herself and be independent, you know, instead of leaning leaning on a man and expecting a man to take care of her and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

I have so many questions. Let me just start. I'm gonna start with one. So your partner is a woman. Okay. So have you always been attracted to women or was this a new a new thing for you?

SPEAKER_00 8:23

So I've always been attracted to women, but I think it stems back to like like sexual abuse in my childhood. So that I I just feel like I've been repulsed by men so much of my life. But then again, I was taught that I have a gold mine between my legs. And I mean, I'm just gonna be keep it brutally honest. You know, I mean, I'm not gonna go out scouting for women, you know what I mean? Because men just pay more. I'm just but you know, that's kind of a sick way of looking at it. But in my past, you know. That was your yeah, and I was attracted to women, but I I just never really wanted to settle down with anybody. Yeah. And so I always wanted to keep my my op my my availability open, you know what I mean? And so it's kind of a sick thing. But yes, um, I've always been attracted to women, however, um I just never really got along with them well enough to say, okay, I want to be in a relationship with this person and like commit my whole life and live in a house with them. That's a whole nother thing. Like living with a woman and being attracted to a woman is two totally different.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Yeah. Well, I also think when you're conditioned as a woman to believe that your worth is in your sexual value or like what you bring to men, it's harder to get along with women because they feel like a threat or you feel like a threat to them. If if you are living for the male gaze and for the male approval, relationships with women are challenging because you see them as competition. Yeah. And they see you that way. But if you shift your thinking, you know, you're not living with if your purpose is greater than I exist for men, and your purpose is I agree, I exist for Amanda, I exist for me, I exist for the people in my life, the people that I can expand love to, then it's really easy to get along with other women. It's just about that like a mindset shift, which I feel like probably is what you've experienced.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Yeah. Okay. So my next question is you said that your partner, she like was like, you are amazing, but you're so unrefined. Okay. And then you said she taught you all these things. Now, was that hard for you? Did it feel condescending? Were you angry that she was making you work hard, or did you appreciate it, or maybe like a mix of both?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

I am all about like stepping into newness. Like that is exciting to me. And like challenging myself, you know, I I'm all about that. And I was, I was kind of intimidated by her because I'm like, I'm definitely not going to be able to make this girl happy because she has very she has high standards. Like, this is what type of woman she is, this is what type of woman she wants, this is what it is, you know. But I also knew in the back of my mind that I needed some structure. I needed someone to show me the way. And I didn't, you know, it's different when you're like, because my stepmom is amazing, she's a great woman, but it's different taking it from your mom than it is like a friend or a girlfriend or whatever. So, you know, she's been very patient with me. She's been very, very patient with me. And I I'll just clarify like in the beginning of our relationship, it wasn't like I was out doing this and doing that or whatever. Like when we got together, I was already at a point in my life where I wanted to, I wanted to be had by someone. I wanted to be.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

You wanted to rise to the occasion. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

I was ready for that. Like I I never put her through like trauma and drama and all the things, and she was like, You've got to get your shit together.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

It was never like that. Yeah. She probably wouldn't be with me if that was the case.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Yeah. Yeah. But she's got standards. Yeah, she does. Exactly. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Me too. I love that about her.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Okay. So growing up, you said like it was really complicated, you know, the situation, like living with your mom and not living with your dad, and like seeing everything that your mom went through and her choices. Like the thing that stood out to me most is you said your parents got divorced, and then your mom kind of like lost her way. And I think it's something that I have experienced in my life and have noticed is that there can be this like really triggering or traumatizing event where we then lean into numbing because emotionally it's so overwhelming. And I call it emotional cowardice. That's what I call it. And I call it that for myself because I'm guilty of this. Like, emotions are so can be so painful, can be so overwhelming. Like you feel like you're never gonna come up for error. And so instead, you just numb them, you dole them, like push them away. And I think that that's from my experience, maybe like the root of addiction.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

Would you agree with that, having lived it, seen it, and been a part of it? Like, what is your story with addiction and what took you down that path and then what brought you out?

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Oh, wow, that's a big question. Um, so really the first person I ever used drugs with was my mom. And I did it because it was what she did all the time, and it just seemed fun, you know. I mean, my mom was a a partier and she was a drinker and she did cocaine, and she was like always so pretty and having so much fun. And looking at it as a child, you know, you're like, oh my God, this is what I want to do with my life, you know. But looking back now, I'm like, that was very dysfunctional. That is that's who I used with at first, and then I met a guy in Champagne, and he ended up that's who I ended up moving out and being with. Um, from that time I was addicted until I got pregnant with my son in 2004, and I was 19, and um I completely quit using drugs. However, I did not find out I was pregnant until I was into my first trimester.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So that was scary. I didn't know if they were gonna take him away when he was born. Thank God he didn't have drugs in his system, and he was fine, you know. But that didn't even change me. Like one as soon as I had him, like six weeks after I started using again, because I was still with the same guy, still hanging around with my mom, you know, all the things. And I hadn't worked through any of my childhood trauma at this point. Like I had been in and out of therapy for other reasons, but I never was I was never really allowed to talk about my childhood trauma because my mom would get in trouble. Like my mom didn't do anything, but my mom allowed things to happen.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

And so those were things like I was not allowed to talk about stuff like that, but I needed to talk about that stuff, you know. So um I just continued, like you said, numbing, you know, going through life. And as things, as life went on, um, motherhood got harder and harder, you know, and I was on my own pretty much. And uh, I mean, I'll just say this part. It led me down a path that ended up saving my life. You know, I I I got in some trouble and I was gone for a while and it saved my life. Um, I did have some some issues still because I still had not gone to therapy. Um, I was ready to change my life, but I but my my I I don't know what to say. I was ready, but part of me wasn't ready. I was still not ready to to do life on my on my own, you know? Yeah. And so um, you know, and all throughout this time, like I never had jobs, you know, I never I I never real jobs, like I was doing dishonest things and things that I sh illegal things, obviously. Yeah, um, you know, to make ends meet or whatever. But anyways, um so after I went away for a while, um that pretty much saved my life. However, when I got home, I definitely didn't know how to do life sober. Like I was a grown-up, I was now 32 years old, things have changed, my son is grown, he was adopted while I was gone, which is a great thing, but it's also sad, obviously. Yeah. Um, so I just still wasn't ready. So I relapsed and uh for eight months I was pretty messed up. And eventually I was just like like my my dad told me, he's like, Mandy, you've got to get it together. You've got to because you just got to. Like you've been gone, you you've got to get your life together. So that's what I did. I went to rehab, outpatient therapy, and I went five days a week and I planted a garden at my house, like in the middle of my yard for no reason, other than this is my purpose, this is what I'm gonna do. And I fell in love with nature. Um, I got some dogs, I started rescuing dogs. I now have three and a cat. I did have two cats, so I just started pouring myself into something that needed me in life, you know.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

And my relationship with Jessica has always been like that that force, you know. But sometimes that's not enough. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

You know, sometimes you have to have something that's for you.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Yeah, absolutely. And so I started working in factories and I hated it. I hated working in factories. I felt like I was in jail every time I went into a factory. I'm like, there's no daylight, there's no daylight, there's no, you know, just the same thing over and over and over, repetitive bull crap. I just could not do it. So I'm like, I've got to go to college. I've got to do something, I've got to do something else. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, I love nature. I love to work hard. I love doing yard work. That's like one of my favorite things to do, even though I know no one, no one really likes it.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

My mom loves it. I love it. My mom loves it. She would be right there with you. Her gardens are beautiful all the time. I hate landscaping.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

See, I knew I loved your mom for a reason. I knew. See, we vibed. Yeah. The first time we ever met.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

You guys are similar.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

You have a lot in common.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Yeah, I can see that now. So yeah, um, I did landscape design, went to school, got my bachelor's. Um, I was just planning on just getting my associates, but I loved it so much. I just stayed in it. And I got my um degree in floral design too. So I love to play with flowers, all the things. And then I had my own business for four years, and I just have continuously been pouring myself into work. And I was also um working part-time at the INI Stateline Tavern out there, which I loved doing that.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

And then I used to work there. You did? Part-time.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

I love that. For Dave and Teresa.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Yeah, they fired me.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

Oh, well they fired me too and then rehired me.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

They fired me. This is so funny. I actually probably can't say it on here. I can't say why. Okay. I didn't do anything though. I will say that. It was about I can't, I don't want to throw them under the bus. It was amicable. I didn't want to do things the way that they wanted to do things with my money.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

I get that.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Okay. Hey, not everything works out, but it just didn't work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

But they're fine. I I grew up with Dave and Teresa, I've known them forever. They were my neighbors growing up, my parents' best friends.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Oh, okay, cool. Wow. Well, this little connection. Small world. Yeah. Yeah. So I worked there part-time and then full-time in the winter, whenever I wasn't doing landscaping, and then I was diagnosed with cancer. And so that, like, I'm telling you, once I made that decision to shut that part of my life down and realize that it just was not working for me. And I realized that my family wasn't gonna put up with it anymore. You know, I'm like, you know, I just gotta do something different. And ever since then, it's never been a struggle for me. Like it's I have some beers here and there, I smoke a little pot, you know. I yeah, I'm my life is full. My life is there is no time. There is no, you know, I I just I love my life today, and there is no reason for me to go out and ruin it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 19:54

That's great. So I think uh I I want to dig into a little bit about addiction and substances, and so people start using for a reason. It gives them something. So I want to know like, what did your substance of choice give you and what did it take away? Like, why why were you drawn in? And then what was the cost of that?

SPEAKER_00 20:18

So for me, I was I was more of a I'm a social butterfly, like naturally, completely sober, like that's just who I am. I think I came out of the womb talking. But drugs for me made me even more of a likable person, and it made me popular, and it made me important because I wasn't just using them, I was also selling them, and you know, and so it just like the whole the whole thing made me feel it. Just gave me a community, yeah. And exactly, and it's something that I needed because I didn't have that with my fan, not with my family, but really with my family, because my dad was disconnected, he was off working doing his own thing. My mom obviously was an addict, so yeah, it gave me a community, it gave me a reason, it was my purpose, you know. Everybody was calling me, everybody always wanted to hang out with me, everybody, everybody, everybody. I had gold mine between my legs, all the things. Yeah, you know. So that's what it gave for me, but it took away my dignity, took away my sleep. Oh, that's the one, that's one of the main things, you know. Like I never slept, I was always too busy for sleep. And it's that is one of my favorite things to do. Me too.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Oh, me too.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Like the other day I we were having a cookout at my house and I was cooking, and then I finally sat down. I said, Oh, this is my favorite thing to do. My brother said what? I said, sit down.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

What's your hobby? Oh, I like to sit.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

I like to sit for easy.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

I sit for fun. You know, just feeling my butt in the chair and laying my head back.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

I just love it. It's my favorite thing.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

That shows that you're at peace. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

I like that. But yeah. Yeah. Um it took uh it took my emotions from me also. And that was something that I was scared to come in contact with.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

You mean it flatlined you? Yeah. Like no highs, no lows.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

You were just didn't care that my kid was somewhere and I hadn't seen him in four or five days. Like didn't care if somebody I loved was in the hospital. Like just didn't care. Didn't care if I was driving with no license, excuse me, didn't care if my best friend was going through a miscarriage, you know. Just didn't care. And um it feels good to care. It feels good to care because that's that's what I'm popular for now. You know what I mean? That's what that's what I'm loved for now because I care and I pour myself into situations and sometimes a little too much, you know. I can be a little overly passionate about situations.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah, it's it's interesting because I think people do fall into certain vices because it is numbing, because you don't have to feel, because it takes away that emotional pain. But on the flip side of that, it takes away the emotional joy and the emotional care, the emotional investment or like desire to connect with other people. Instead, you have this substance that is, you know, making all those things trigger in your brain that typically human connection would trigger. Yeah. And it's the substitute, and then it really isolates people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Like, you know, sitting with my dog and petting my dog, you know, that was never something that brought me joy, you know, back in the day when I was on drugs. You know, I uh they were irritating to me, but today, you know, that is something that brings me so much joy. I'm just content sitting there petting one of my dogs.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Loving on them.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

Your brain chemicals are all balanced back out.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Yeah. Yeah. It definitely gives me a boost of serotonin being around the babies and the dogs and even being at work. Like I I'm happy to be going to my job every day. You know, it is not it's not a pain in the butt to go to work. I love my job. Yeah, it's I mean, I'm dealing with different people every day. I'm getting to express my my happiness, my personality, share little stories with people, you know, and make new friends like you, you know. And so it's I love doing that. And that is what that's what gives me my purpose today. And you know, excuse me, I had to realize that in order for all of these great things and all these great people to come into my life, I had to make room for that. Yeah. And I used to be so scared of getting out and making friends because I attracted all the wrong people. Just all the wrong people, drug addicts, yeah, bad boyfriends, bad girlfriends, bad just what just for whatever reason, I just had a bad connection. I had a bad vibe. But today I attract great people yourself, you know. And I I don't attract those people anymore. It's like they just know that, you know, it and it's like God has surrounded me with this bubble of protection almost.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

I mean, it is proven that we we emit a frequency as people, like we have a certain energy and certain energy just aren't compatible with others. Yeah. And I would say that I can feel that all around me with different people, like we're just not on the same wavelengths. You know, we're at different places. Some people vibrate very low and they're very, very depressed and very um you can just feel where they're at, you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

And drain you of your energy.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

Yeah, it's it does. And then other people, you know, vibrate a little higher. And I think we tend to be pulled towards people that vibrate on the same frequency as us. I've noticed that in my life too, the types of people that come in and out of my life based on which way I'm vibrating. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

So and you don't, you know, it took me, I had to become self-aware also where because when you are dysfunctional and you are always bouncing off the wall, you don't want to be aware of yourself. You don't want to look at yourself, you know what I mean? For any reason because you're all fucked up. Yeah. You know what I mean? But when you I don't know where I was going with that, but I yes, I had to kind of change that part of me.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

So So what was it like when you stopped using and you had to face your emotions?

SPEAKER_00 26:32

It was rough. I needed therapy. I needed therapy, and um, I had to I had to learn that I had to cut certain people out of my life to not keep tapping into those bad emotions, if that makes sense. Like you asked me earlier if my mom and I are close. I have her in my life, but we aren't super close because she is one of those people that drains me up all of my energy. Yeah. So um it was hard, but it was also I was so ready for a change that it wasn't like I didn't go through physical like withdrawals or anything like that. I didn't go through like, you know, what a lot of people go through when they get sober, like the the super bad, rough part of it. I had guidance because I knew what I needed and what didn't work for me in the past. Um, I am a firm believer uh that you need you need counseling when you're coming from an it from addiction. Like it you need therapy. No matter if you used for a week, a year, 20 years, you need therapy. And you need someone that can understand that part of you um and and work through things with you. I believe that group settings are what helped change my life because I didn't feel so alone.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

Yeah, you weren't losing losing a community to not have a community. It was kind of like just you had you lost one and gained another. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

And like I don't go to NA meetings. I that's not my that's not that's not my thing just because I don't want to sit around a bunch of people that just got sober today or that are only get coming there to get their papers signed or whatever. It's kind of a sad situation, but I like to keep myself surrounded with people that that are walking the walk.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Yeah. So how long have you been in recovery?

SPEAKER_00 28:21

So oh, I've been in recovery for twenty-six years with one relapse. So I have been completely sober since April 28th. I just had my graduation day the other day of 2019.

SPEAKER_02 28:34

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 28:35

So 19, 2022, two, three, four, two, five, so six, seven years, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

But you've had twenty-six years since you like first got clean. Yes. And one relapse. Yes. Okay. So, like my question is do you feel like having walked that walk of relapsing and getting clean and like going through doing the work really? Having done that, do you feel like that desire is always there, like under the surface, or do you feel like you have a good h good hold on it, you know, coming through it?

SPEAKER_00 29:04

The desire to use again. Uh-huh. It's it's not there. Gone. It's gone. It's completely gone. Um, I have worked too hard to get to where I'm at now. Yeah. And I know that all it will take is one, like, you know, there's those people they call themselves weekend warriors when it comes to addiction, and they can party on the weekends, do a little blow on Friday night, you know, go like people that are in bands and different things like that. I'm not one of those people. Like it'll consume you. It will consume me 100%. Um now I'm Self-awareness. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not saying that I'm not an addict still because I I I do still have vices. I like to drink, I smoke a little pot, and those are things that I'm addicted to ultimately.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

But not all vices are created equal. Exactly. And some are much more destructive than others.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

And I don't use these to cope with life. Yeah. You know, I do it for fun. Yeah. You know, I smoke some pot before I go to bed at night so I can sleep. Whatever. You know, it doesn't consume my life. My life is not unmanageable because of either one of them. I, you know, I don't consider myself a drunk or anything like that, but I I do still struggle with addiction. And I, and I I I kind of am hard on myself when it comes to that. I'm like, come on, Mandy, like you've you've beat the odds, you know, maybe you should set these things down too. But I'm like, you know, I've already given up enough.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

Also, when when you're ready, when you're ready. And I think everybody has, it's so easy to judge people, you know, for what they're doing or how they're coping or how they're medicating or self-medicating. People hate on people that use prescribed drugs for mental health, people hate on people that use marijuana, um, alcohol, whatever. Like there's a million things that that help us cope. Um, some are more addictive than others. It's just everyone has their own time and their own journey. And you have to want that for yourself. And if you ever are ready, I'm sure you will. Yeah. You know, it's it's it's your timeline. But um, I think what you have overcome is amazing. So in your time frame of, you know, going into recovery, relapsing, getting clean again in 2019, at what point did you face breast cancer?

SPEAKER_00 31:26

Um, so I was diagnosed in April of 25. Okay. So just last year. Okay. Um and yeah, that, you know, that's that's another thing. Breast cancer taught me that I so when you ask me like where I'm at with relapsing, you know, breast cancer. If if if I was ever more certain of anything in my life, it's after breast cancer because that taught me that life is very short. How precious it is. Yeah, it's very short. I mean, I've I fought for my life, yeah, and it was a real thing. However, you know, I get another notch on my belt because I've not only beat one disease, I've beat two diseases, the disease of addiction and the disease of cancer. And, you know, so I'm like, I can't go back now. Like, what would that say about me? You know, I have to be like the new standard for these ladies, you know, these surviving addicts, these, you know, these surviving breast cancer ladies. Like, I have to be that new standard, you know?

SPEAKER_02 32:31

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I feel like when you meet someone, like when I met Mandy, and I don't know if you realize this, I'm sure people have told you this before, but you have such a warm like aura to you. Like you are outgoing, you are friendly, like you're very loving and you can feel that. And I can also feel that you're a highly sensitive person. You're an HSP, like, and I am too. So you're a very emotional person. And I think that people who are highly sensitive, strongly emotional people are more prone to addiction because living with that sort of emotional weight where you feel everything so deeply all the time really is taxing. It really is hard. It's one of those things where, like, I I can relate. I can relate to wanting that escape, wanting to not feel so much all the time and wanting to become like slide into that emotional cowardice of like just running away from the feelings because they're so big and they're so scary. But it's a superpower because in meeting you, I think people feel seen because you actually do indeed see them. Yes. And you feel them and you feel their energy, and you know you can probably tell if a person's good or bad pretty instantly. And I feel the same way. Um, and it's a gift and a curse. Like it really is both. But I think your story is so powerful because even though you have this intense emotional experience in this world because of how you're wired and how you're made, even though you have that, you've been able to overcome this, you know, these substances that numb that superpower that makes existence hard and beautiful and all the things. But you've had that strength and then also to overcome breast cancer and then to to go to college, to now, you know, help run a restaurant, to be able to speak about your son getting adopted with like love and respect and understanding of that was the best thing for him. It's hard, it's sad, but like your perspective on life, there's no bitterness left in you.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

No.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

And I see that in you and I commend that that you've been able to forgive and release. And even the way you talk about your mom, like you know that she taught you bad things. She she ultimately hurt you. But you also probably have the perspective of, well, she was taught those things. And somebody hurt her. And you're a cycle breaker, you're a generational curse breaker. You are doing the work, you are changing your family's heritage. And I think that is so fucking hard to do. And I just want you to know, like, I see that, and it's really incredible.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

Thanks, Ashton. Yeah, really incredible.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Oh, you're killing it. You inspire me. Um, so I know you have to go to work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

Is there anything else you want to say to our listeners about life or words of advice or no, just you know, not everything, not everybody you meet for the first time, you know, you could can you see what they've been through, you know? And I shared a lot of my story today, more than I probably should have, because I do worry about being judged. However, no, you shouldn't worry. You know, I just feel like it could help somebody. And I have been through some shit. I've been through some pretty shitty shit. And the the more we share on here, you might hear more. But I just think that don't judge a book by its cover, you know? And because ladies can move mountains, like girl power is something else. And once you tap into that, that is like that, that's that's just good, it's just good stuff.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

Women just have this well of I think it's a very specifically feminine thing, of like healing. We have a healing ability. Like, whether that's in business, like seeing problems and fixing them, or whether that's in relationships, we have this like well of compassion that we can tap that is feminine in nature. It's a feminine in essence. And so, like when we allow ourselves to fully feel and fully access that, I mean, we can be super damaging with that, but we can also be so powerful and so healing to the people around us if we allow ourselves to access that without the bitterness. Yeah. You have to do the healing first. And I feel like I see all of that in you and in your story, in your progression, and like where you came from and who you are today. Most people uh don't have that story. So you're you really do inspire me.

SPEAKER_00 37:04

Well, thank you. And you know, I've always believed that people that don't go through shit, like you can tell the people that ain't never been through shit. The spoiled little people that have never been through shit, you can just tell. There's naivety. And I feel sorry for those people.

SPEAKER_02 37:19

I used to be one of those people.

SPEAKER_00 37:20

You know, I and it's like I feel sorry that you've never been through anything and you don't know how to navigate through life.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

Because of that.

SPEAKER_02 37:28

Well, because something will happen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

And then you're gonna be like, they're just way behind. You haven't been through anything.

SPEAKER_02 37:33

Yeah, way behind in the process. That's what happened to me when I got divorced. I did not realize how harsh the world could be. And um, it's been a hard, yeah, hard several years. Um, but the wisdom gleaned from it is incredible. And actually, I think I literally thank God for this all the time. Whenever I feel like really overwhelmed by something I'm going through or a lesson I'm learning, I always am like, this is part of me becoming. Like I have to experience this to have a greater compassion for humanity. Like I have to experience this to understand how the world works. I have to go through this because it's a part of like my reckoning.

SPEAKER_01 38:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:09

And just in the moment it sucks, but then like reflecting on it, some of the things I've been through in the in the moment were like I was so upset about them. Now I'm like, that taught me this, and I can see the tangible fruit of it and how as I approach the next thing that's hard, I bring that lesson with me. It doesn't make the hard things that come easy.

SPEAKER_00 38:30

No.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

But it gives you like weapons in the arena.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

Yeah, and it's like it helps you play the tape all the way out. You know what I mean? Yes. And it's like, and it's growing pains, you know. If you think about it like that, this hurts a little bit or a lot, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna be someone different after this. Right.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

And I've been or I've been through something that's hard. I know I can overcome this. It gives you self-trust when you overcome things. Yeah. You learn to trust yourself.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Yeah, that challenging thing. You know, I you start challenging yourself, and then it's like, holy crap, I really like challenging myself because it's like, what else can I do? Yeah with my life, you know? Yeah. Like, let's quit vaping, let's quit doing this. Let's, you know, what can we quit doing? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:08

I can give myself a challenge. Yeah. I feel that way too with like projects that I take on. When I do one hard thing, I'm like, oh, I could do something harder. Like, you know, I I used to run half marathons. Well, I started with like I couldn't even run a mile. I when I started working out, I couldn't do a push-up. Now I can do 40. You know, so like it's just kind of like you just challenge yourself a little bit and you begin to learn what you're made of. And um, I hope the your life story, I hope that you've learned just like how powerful and strong you are. Like you just feel it. If you guys could just meet Mandy in person, you just feel that from her. Like she's got that strength. And but it's not like a masculine strength or like an angry strength. It's like the strength of love. And it's just so present. But you got to go to work. I'm looking at the time. So we're gonna wrap it up. It's lunchtime, lunch rush. We're gonna go. But thank you for joining me.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

Thanks for having me. I love you.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

I love you too. Bye!