Episode 33: You Got Everything You Wanted...So Why Do You Still Feel Empty?

You got the promotion.

You bought the house.

You found the relationship.

You lost the weight.

So why do you still feel empty?

In this episode, Amanda and Ashton dive into the uncomfortable truth that achievement and fulfillment are not the same thing. They share personal stories about chasing success, validation, relationships, fitness goals, and external milestones, only to discover that none of them could create lasting self-worth.

Together they explore the difference between validation and fulfillment, why high achievers often struggle with feeling "enough," how unresolved wounds can drive achievement, and what actually creates a meaningful life.

If you've ever thought, "I'll be happy when..." this conversation is for you.

Because sometimes the thing you chased wasn't fulfillment.

It was validation.

Watch us on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVW_51pG9X8yEtSKoSy5REg

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This podcast is for the woman who refuses to settle. The one who knows she was made for more. It's for the audacious woman who is ready to burn the chips, own her story, and create a life built on radical self-belief. I'm Amanda Galloway. I'm Ashton Greer. We are your podcast hosts. And we welcome you to the Audacity Podcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Good morning.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Hi.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Hello. Hi. I'm super excited because we got these bedazzled microphones that are noisy.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Hopefully you can't hear the feedback that we're hearing. Yeah, they make a lot of noise. Well, I got these, like I said, I got these foam protectors, which we might be able to grab from those. It's okay. And not today. Not today.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Not today, Satan.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

And I know, but I have to edit it and oof.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

I feel like every week I forget. I make a mental note, don't wear shorts, because then my legs are here on the video. And every week I come in, I'm like, oh yeah, shoot, I'm not supposed to wear shorts on Thursdays.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

I've I don't think I've really ever seen you wear shorts. I wore them last week too.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Oh. Yeah. You did. I wore them last week too, so here we are. Leg day. I like them.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

They look good. Thanks. I shaved. I did too.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

It's now the season where we have to shave every day.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

You know, I don't have to. I hope there are any male listeners, but I have never had like a bikini line, you know? Like that area of shaving. Okay. Never had like hair grow out of the area it's supposed to grow out of until like this year. And I'm like, why is this happening to me? It's so horrible. You're getting old.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Just wait until you start having chin hairs.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Do you have chin hairs? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

I told Antonio, I said, listen, there are some jobs that you will be required to do if I go into a coma.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

I'm like looking at your chin now.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

I know.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

I pluck them. I don't see them. No, it's a thing. I have a furry face. Like everything does. And I take my little micro you know, knife thing and I shape it all off.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

I think this is a problem when you have dark colored hair.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

You just like start growing a mustache and a beard.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Oh my god. Yeah, it's it's not just for men. We ladies we have the beards too.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

It's not fair. I mean, you start getting older, and I used to I see I have people come into my office and one that I'm thinking of specifically, and I it was just a random person. And they had a legit beard. A legit.

SPEAKER_02 2:29

Haven't you seen The Greatest Showman? Oh, yes. Yeah. So that is my favorite movie, by the way. That is such a good movie. My favorite movie. That's I've watched like 10 times. But all of my favorite mute movies, though, I've determined are musicals. Rent is also Rent is one of my favorite movies. The Greatest Showman, Le Miz. Oh my gosh. I just anything with all the singing and dancing. I love Phantom of the Opera. Phantom. And Mamma Mia.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

But those are like you know, everybody loves those. I actually do not like musicals, but I do like those.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

I would spend all my days watching musicals if I could. That's what I'm gonna do in retirement.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

You know, it is such a good feeling when you can like dance and sing too.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Yeah. That isn't expressed through words.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Right. Yep. Yeah, I can feel it. My kids and I used to dance uh when we'd watch movies, like at the end when the music would go on, we would always be dancing. Jump up. Yeah. Yeah. It's such a good vibe. Uh did you guys notice our sign? But did you notice our sign? Did you notice that we are on YouTube now? Did you notice that we were supposed to be on Spotify video and it did not show up and Apple? I did not notice.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

We figure that out. Amanda and I are good with certain things, and technology is not one of them. No, but we do have a we have a sign, we have microphones, we have lights, we have a fuzzy couch. And we're pink right now. We have a 4K camera. We have pink skin. If you start a podcast, your skin will turn pink. Because of the glow. It's no, it's all the love that we infuse into each other.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

We're literally losing it today, guys. So we came with this topic. We are prepared, unprepared, should I say, to talk about.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

And we got down to it and we were like, no, this is a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

We all week were like, this is the topic we're gonna do. And then last night Amanda texted me about it and I said, What's the topic again? I completely forgot. And then and then as we're like talking about it, we realized we didn't really like the topic.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah, so we're we're changing the topic today, but we are pros at this topic. So you will get so much out of this, I think. I know. We're literally both the best and worst in this. That's the worst.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

Yep. So what's new before we dive in? Well, um, I woke up this morning and I opened my phone as I do, which is a very bad habit that I have. And on my phone was a text thread between Amanda, her boyfriend, and me. Oh. Fiance. Oh, sorry. My bad fiance and me. And this Which is rare.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

We rarely do.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Except for last week they did it too. They did a threesome text with me last week too. Oh. Yeah, you did. And Antonio sent voice memos, and I heard all the things. I learned way too much about that relationship. But anyway, this text thread just was so funny. It was like, what should our wedding song be? And then they're sending like wedding song suggestions, like making jokes, and there's like this AI musician, and Antonio's like, is there AI music? And I'm like, Of course. And anyway, yeah, I it filled me with a sense of gratitude that I get to be a part of this relationship in this threpple.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Well, I we love having you. So uh um, there was a singer. So Antonio and I have been listening to Latin music. And they're very sweet songs. I I guess I don't know what they're saying. Is all your music gonna be in Spanish at your wedding? Okay. No. Anyway, so this guy pops onto the screen and his picture pops up, and I was like, that's a very handsome man. And then I'm like, no, he can't be that handsome and have that good of a voice. So I look him up, and his name is Saul. I'm gonna say it wrong. I was trying to say it last night. Sa Saul Saul.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Good God.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Saul. No, so it is Saul, but it's Saul, thank you. I can't blow Espanol. I don't. So anyway, I should. Um, but I was in the shower last night trying to say his name, and Antonio was like, No, you're getting it wrong. And I was like, I can't. And I was like, say it in English. And he says Saul, and I was like, ah, Saul, Saul, Saul. And he was like, there you go. So anytime I have to pronounce something in Spanish, and it's just different than the English language, obviously. I always tell him, say it in English, and then I can figure it out. I can figure it out. So anyway, I look up this beautiful man who happens to not be a real person. Um, he's AI generated, and his music is a all AI. Look at this man. Wow. So wow. He he's really pretty, but he's not real. So I started watching the video, and you can tell by their mannerisms that it's not a real person. Oh, yeah, in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice try. Didn't give me so Antonia thinks I have a crush on this man. I'm like, I can't have a crush on AI person.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

You actually can. Have you seen the movie Her? No. Uh you should watch it.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

That's not real.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

You can fall in love with an AI person. People do it all the time.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Not real. That's me.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Me, I'm in a relationship with an AI chat bot. I'm just kidding. Well, we all are to degree. But like Me and ChatGPT, we got we got a bond. Although the other night I started asking ChatGPT like absurd questions.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

And um, I don't think it likes me as much anymore. I was just asking it about like, you know, like funny, like not funny, but like conspiracy theories. Yeah. Like, what do you think about this one? What do you think about and I think ChatGPT, I'm probably flagged. You were like, I'm flagged. You were flagged, no.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

I I love this.

SPEAKER_02 8:15

I was like, did we go to the moon though? Did we?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

And I was like, I am a Purdue alum and I will I know never not agree that we went to the moon.

SPEAKER_02 8:26

I know, I know. We went to the moon. I know.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

But it was just funny to ask That was a double double negative that I just attempted and which made no sense.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

Okay, anyway. It was funny to ask ChatGPT about it. Just to see like what Chat BT ChatGPT said. ChatGPT did say it's definitely possible that it that we did not, but that uh evidence leans towards that we did. We did. Yeah. Of course I would never say anything different to you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Neil Armstrong was a Purdue alum.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Yeah, and we we have an astronaut here from Danville. Joe Tanner.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

I was obsessed with him when I was little. JT. I was ups if I met him, I would fangirl.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

He always was a breezy barn girl.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

He really was like my first like famous who I thought was famous in my eyes. Who was your first Hollywood crush?

SPEAKER_02 9:20

The handsome brothers.

unknown 9:22

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

I liked Zach Ephron and I still like Zach Efron.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

I am old.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

I liked young Zap Zach Ephron and then like grown Zach Ephron. Like they're both, I don't know, somehow both are my type.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

I just realized we grew up in two different eras. I really I knew that. No, we we are not that far apart in age. We kind of are. Zach Ephron was like when I was in high school. Ugh. I'm literally talking about the handsome brothers.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Zach Efron was when I was in junior high. So it's not that different, Amanda. Kind of is. She is old though.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

I am. I'm embracing it.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

I love telling I love telling people, look at my best friend. She's almost 40. Isn't she beautiful? She looks 25. I say it all the time.

SPEAKER_00 10:06

Oh, I'm embracing it. Amanda is goals. Oh, thanks. Yeah. So we were laughing about the topic. Antonio and I told him last night our topic that we were going to talk about. And part of our discussion was that sometimes men put up with things with women because they're attractive and vice versa. Because we put so much emphasis on physical attraction. And he was like, Yeah, I do. I put up with a lot. And I was like, I'm amazing. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a great person to be in a relationship with.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

It it it is funny though, because I think a bit men will put up with a lot for like a beautiful woman. I think women will put up with a lot for wealthy men.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

You think so?

SPEAKER_02 10:47

Yes. I think it stereotypically.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Well, because you're financially trapped.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

Yeah, I think stereotypically that's kind of the dynamic. So anyway, for our real topic today.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Why don't you tell them?

SPEAKER_03 11:02

What are we talking about?

SPEAKER_00 11:05

We are talking about why when you reach your goal, that feeling is very fleeting. You feel numb afterwards, why you feel like you know, you finally, finally get the thing that you want.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

And it's not as good as you thought it would feel like.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Yeah, like how even when you achieve the thing you wanted to achieve, you can still feel empty inside. You thought it would like fulfill you, like this was the milestone. This was the goal. I have an example.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

I have so many. It's ridiculous. Aneagram threes listen up. This episode's for you.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

Somebody that is like really informed in trauma and everything, she uh told me very lovingly, very lovingly, that um high high achievers have the most trauma. And she was like, Yeah, Ashton, did did you do you like have you thought about, you know, maybe that the reason you're doing all these things is actually like a trauma response? And I was like, Yeah, I have thought about it, thank you. Yeah, and yes, yes, this is not my personality, but I don't know what's happening.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Yeah, anyway. But it becomes your personality, right? Because that's what we do. And I'm like this. I got attention when I was achieving. Yeah. And my grandparents, God love them, they came from England and literally built the straight off the boat. Straight off the boat. And they literally m created this fabulous life for themselves, but it came from nothing. So achievement and building success is very rewarded in my family.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

Yeah. In my family, um, I had a I have a brother who wasn't a high achiever and he was kind of like in trouble, in trouble a lot and stuff. So I felt like my parents' attention just really went to him. Like they were always worried about Dustin. And they're always like, you know, checking on Dustin. Yeah. And mine's Justin. Dustin and Justin. God so many similarities. And anyway, he just was a little more worrisome to them. And yeah, you know, they actually said have said to me in later, like, well, we just never worried about you because you were a straight A student and you same, you know, whatever. And I think the only way that I felt like seen was if I did something really exceptional. Because I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

But you didn't want to get in trouble. Right. So because you saw the repercussions, so then you're like, I'm going to be the best. Yeah. At dot dot dot. How old were you when your achieving started? Probably after my parents' divorce.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

How old was that? 10. Around 10. I was it also happened for me after a traumatic event, which I've actually never connected the dots on this before ever. This is fascinating. Wow, I'm having an epiphany. I was probably like around a freshman in high school. And then I think from that point forward, I was in band, choir, theater, cross country, track, swimming, straight A student, student council, FCA. Um, I mean, the list goes on and on. I was a drum major of our band. I was Okay, mine was not this intense. It was, I mean, I literally didn't have any free time. I just filled my time with everything I could possibly do.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Mine was more about education and getting the best grades and going to get a master's degree. And it was about the more education that you got and the harder you worked, the better, which is really a detriment because then you end up in this mindset of like work hard, be gritty, and then it's just like draining. It's very, very draining, especially I think for a female.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

Well, and something I've seen is that when you like you ramp up to this like crazy speed to accomplish all the things, once you accomplish the thing and you drop back down in activity or pressure, it's very hard to readjust your nervous system right to a slower life.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

It's almost painful, it's very uncomfortable. Yeah, it's not something that I've adjusted to. So it's because of my career, yeah, my career is in sales, so it's like a roller coaster. Like, and unfortunately, my confidence is rooted in it. And unfortunately, if I'm not producing, my it impacts my emotions. And what I'm learning is to I'm trying to unlearn, I guess I'll say. I'm not learning. I'm trying to unlearn that my success is not in correlation with my confidence.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

What happens to you when you have a negative like experience with your business or you don't achieve something? What's your emotional reaction?

SPEAKER_00 16:02

That I'm not worthy enough. Yeah. That I'm unsuccessful. That do you catastrophize?

SPEAKER_02 16:09

Oh, yeah. Like imagine like everything going to shit and you lose your business in your house and like you just like oh yeah, yeah. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

I do it too. And uh I mean I'm sure everybody does to a degree because that is how we're kind of wired. Yeah. Is to kind of be on the lookout for a worst-case scenario, but that is also something you have to unlearn because you'll fulfill that prophecy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

So pause. Can we pause? Yeah. Did you notice we have tattoos on the same plate? Let lift your arm up. Look at that. Same arm, same location.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

I know.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

That's that's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

All right. So these opening questions that I have, I want you to to think about also with our audience to think about. So have you ever finally gotten a thing you thought would make you happy and then it felt like nothing. Like you had once you got it, you felt nothing. You're asking me? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

I think about this I I mean a great example for me is all I wanted ever was like a family, a nice house, and like not even a nice house, just like a family and a husband that loved me, and like a husband that I could love, and just like a marriage and all those things. It's like literally the only real goal I had was like to grow old with somebody and have a family. And I had it. I wrote I wrote this poem about it actually. Finally, I have everything I've ever wanted, and somehow like it's not what I want. But it was this moment of like you can have all the things on paper. I had all the things on paper, but the substance that the relationship was actually made of and the version of me that I was in that relationship, I wasn't truly happy, and I wasn't truly at peace. And I realized like I have to give up this idol, like this big it's not a bad thing to want, all the things that I wanted, but like I have to let the one dream that I have die. Like it's the only way that I'm gonna survive. Like me, the essence of me will be okay. And uh that's a good example for me as I finally got this thing, I got the house, I got the kids, I got the husband, I got the you know, white picket fence. It my life looked really good. It looked really good to everybody, but but it wasn't actually that good. There were obviously good things, you know. Um I there the children and the there were many, many good things. I'm not trying to say it was bad, like everything was bad, but it just wasn't the what you thought it would be. Yeah, I got the thing and then it wasn't what I thought it would be, and it was honestly a very like emotionally abusive environment for me. But um yeah, it was one of those moments of like I looked at my life, oh I have everything I've ever wanted. But somehow like it's not actually real. This isn't real. This looks really good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Yeah. I had something similar, but it was with bodybuilding. I finally got I was in a in an abusive relationship and my escape was through bodybuilding. And so I did a competition and I was ripped, I was like 10% body fat. This is when we started becoming friends, me and it. Yeah. I started coaching people and I got so much validation, people were rooting for me, I got so much attention, but I was dying inside. I was those apps though. Listen, it wasn't worth it. I was so I was craving something that I could not produce myself in that time. And it was it looked like I was just killing it, and people were envious of of what I was getting at. And I I mean the reality was I was in an abusive relationship. I was starving myself because you you are really like you're that is you're it's not healthy.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

It's not healthy. You're it looks it looks good, but it doesn't feel yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

You see all these people that are rake thin and have abs, as women mainly, and it's not healthy. You're losing the bone density, you're you're not getting the nutrition. Oh the parosis is knocking on your door. Yeah, and you're losing your period, your hormones are all messed up, and I was just I mean, it gave me something to focus on that was um more empowering than what it got me out of my abusive relationship, but the image that it portrayed online into the external environment was not the reality. And I think that is very common with the the lives that we live, especially as high achievement people in general, is that it looks very good from the outside, but you don't realize that this person that you're admiring is up at 3 a.m. worrying is catastrophizing, catastrophizing every single thing in their lives, and it's just like a mental jail.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

I think the message is like just because it looks good doesn't mean it feels good or is good. Right. And I mean people perfectly curate social media images and perfectly I don't just create these these ideas, idea versions of themselves, and then we can have compare cult comparing culture where we're comparing ourselves to each other and what I I guess is that things are not as they seem m always. And probably most of the time on social media.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

We're sold this idea that you'll be happy when you get to this body weight. You'll be happy when you buy this house. You'll be happy when you have this car. And it's all these external things. But we don't what we do not talk about is you'll be happy when you find purpose.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

You'll be fine. You'll be happy when you find community. You'll be happy when you feel self-aware and confident within yourself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

Help you.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

But instead, we create this visual aspect of what happiness looks like instead of focusing on the internal environment.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

I think I'm guilty of this in a different, like not necessarily a materialistic realm. Because like you see my car, I really don't care what I drive. I I don't care at all. Like I would drive an old like Astro van. I don't care. And I don't really even care about like status of my home or my clothes. Like those things are not um, they're not like carrots dangling for me. But the things that are that have um kind of for me it's the ideal the idealization, like idealizing certain things, and then like trying to create these perfect relationships or family dynamics or like uh trying to make things perfect or appear perfect that can't be perfect. And like even in like restoring properties, which is something that I do, like I buy a rundown property and then I try to make it perfect. And so for me, it's not about like anything shiny new thing, it's about kind of like perfecting and restoring things that need love, attention, broken things. And I have that if you turn it's okay to turn a building into a project, you can't turn people into projects. And I think like that sort of thing has kind of always got me stuck because I can see the potential or the beauty or the possibility of the thing. And it's a double-edged sword because you can't fix people, you can't, you know, but at the same time nothing is ever perfect. And there's beauty in the imperfection and in learning to love people as they are in friendships and family and relationships. They say um the phrase dysfunctional family is redundant because all families are dysfunctional. It's kind of like it's an adjective you don't even have to put there. Right. Because it's just there's dysfunction in people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Yeah. Because it's people, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

So I don't know. I don't know if that's a little side tangent, but I think it's easy to try to curate this perfect image of a perfect family with no conflict with perfectly behaved children who always have their hair cut and no dirt on their face or whatever. And really, like we all have, you know, if you're at if you're at the zoo with your kids, you're gonna get a cute picture of them with the polar bear. And there's probably gonna be a moment where they're having a meltdown or peed their pants, or you know, there's this book I just read.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

It's called Yester Year. It's a really, really good book, and this is such a beautiful example of this woman who had a very rigid life growing up, very rigid, and her family was very rigid, and she ended up creating this lifestyle where her her idealism was to be this woman who like lives off the like off the grid with her kids.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

Oh, she like a farm like prairie girl? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

She no what did they call trad wives? So she was a trad wife and she created this, curated a profile on social media, which was highly viewed and aspired to be. So she was constantly curating her life to be portrayed as perfect to these people, but behind the scenes was an unfulfilled relationship. She actually did not like her children, and she was miserable in the way she talked to herself, talked about other people was just such a sad way of life that she went so far swinging. I actually don't want to even say what happens in the rest of the book because it's so shocking and so good. But the purpose of what I'm trying to get at is that we focus too much on curating this life that looks to be a certain way, or we think once it looks a certain way, it'll be perfect, or once I look a certain way, I'll feel like so fulfilled and happy. But the reality is that the joy of just building that life that you truly want to live is more fulfilling than actually when you achieve it. I was actually talking to some women about this the other day. That's like, you know, when when I get all-star with work, it's for all American, it's not as rewarding. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, I've gotten it. Okay, what now? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So building, I'm actually rewiring my brain to like really hone in on the emotion of what it would feel like being this goal achieved, you know, whatever person, whatever the goal it is, and honing in on that feeling every single day. And actually when you achieve it, you're like, oh, okay, well, I've been feeling this the whole time. And it's such a cool feeling to experience it every day. And I think it kind of like brings that momentum, that excitement, that enthusiasm into what you're doing. However, if you think that that joy is going to happen in the future and you don't embrace it now, you're really actually not going to feel it.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

There's a joy in the present.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

Well, and even when things don't go your way, like say you don't get the thing or you're hoping for something and it doesn't go through or whatever, like I'm really beginning to see closed doors or like disappointments as redirection.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:05

And and not like It's a lesson. It just well, just more like, okay, there there might be something better than this plan I had. Or how can I pivot? And what maybe even like what is this protecting me from? This thing I wanted that I didn't get. Is that so bad? Is it is it for good? Could it be used for good? Yes. I think about that a lot.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Okay, I'm such a bookworm. I've read so many books lately, but there's a book book another book called Golden Girl. Okay. And it's about this woman who dies tragically very suddenly, and she's taken to this, I kind of want to call it purgatory, and gets to view her life and what happens after she dies, too. And she can go in and create nudges into her family's lives on redirection to avoid something trash like drastic happening. And it was something there was one moment at the end of the book where she was like, the mentor was like, Your dad did this with you. And he made you forget your shampoo and conditioner so that you would meet your your future best friend because you you had to go ask her for shampoo and conditioner for the dorm, like because she was in the dorm with you, and then it created a lifelong um friendship. But it kind of after reading that book, I was just thinking it left an impression. I love books that leave an impression and make you start thinking about things, but it made me realize that closed doors or just random things happening can really be a true redirection to a much more fulfilling life.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

I think that's not such a mundane example, but I think as high achievers, when you start thinking that way, it takes off the pressure of that you have on yourself.

SPEAKER_02 29:59

I mean, I can think of so many examples like this, but one in one specifically is the I own a property and a bar was gonna go in there and then they they didn't, and they ended up being pretty nasty to me about it. Yeah. It was a it was an interesting time. Yeah. But this thing happened, and I remember just being like, what are we gonna do? Like we we did all this work for this company for this bar to come in, and now they're not coming in, and we spent all this money so that they could have their bar here. We don't have a tenant, and money was really tight, it was very stressful. And then within a couple months, we had a different tenant that's better. That's you know, they're thriving there. They're thriving and they're great people and they're understanding and they're kind and they're like just the best tenants I could possibly ask for in the way that they interact with us and the way that we interact with them, and our relationship is so beautiful and strong, and I love them and I love their I love their restaurant. And so this happened, but it felt horrible in the moment. Like, why is this person like, why is this happening? Why is this falling through? This is a catastrophe, like we're not gonna be able to pay our bills, like you know, all those feelings to oh no, like the universe just had something much better in store. And I feel like it was honestly like a redirection, like we are being protected, or in those moments when you can see the outcome, you can step back and see the outcome, it feels so much better. Like you can you can understand why you why something didn't work out.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

So for someone who might be listening who is going through something really challenging last n or right now, um, and it's shattering what they thought would be, and they put so much emphasis on this success, and they they were maybe on the midst of getting it, or maybe they got it and they're crushed because they're not feeling what they thought they would feel. What advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_02 31:57

I mean, you gotta feel it. If you're if you feel really disappointed by something, definitely feel the disappointment. But I like to ask myself the question, what if it all works out? But what if it all works out? And I I just would say ask yourself that question. This this isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I expected, but what if it all works out? What if God or whatever you believe in really is working for your good in behind the scenes in the background? And sometimes we just need a redirection. So don't catastrophize. I always have a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C, honestly. So if my plan A doesn't work out, I'm like, oh, we'll just move to plan B. And plan B doesn't work out, we'll move to plan C. Now, if plan C doesn't work out, I don't know what to tell you. But I just say have a plan B too. Like it it really does help if you have a really big decision or something big that you're hinging on. I always have a plan B, like with the bar that you know didn't move in. My plan B was, well, I I guess I'll open something here. And now do I want to own a bar? No, I don't want to. But I had a plan B that was like there's a way to utilize the space. We'll make sure that downtown Danville gets another business here one way or another. And so, like that, you know, God had better plans, even better plans for that space. But I think having a plan B really helps. And if you don't have a plan B and you're just heartbroken, allow yourself to be sad, but don't be defeated and ask yourself that question. What if this all works out? Because it could.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

It does. I'm a true believer in that. I think it all does work out. I also like to think that what is this teaching me?

SPEAKER_02 33:35

Mm-hmm. I hate that question, but I love that question.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

I don't know. There's something about when something bad is happening that I always find myself on the other side far further along than I would have been otherwise.

SPEAKER_02 33:49

Yeah, like a lesson in wisdom. You know, wisdom lesson.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Yeah. And maybe it's that I didn't achieve a goal at work. Well, I'm now learning that maybe my processes and procedures are need just re-evaluated. Or maybe I need to hire someone, or maybe like whatever it is, it's usually a lesson that propels me forward even farther. Yeah. And I don't hang on to it. I I do feel emotions and I will I will I'd go through seasons where trust me, it's more difficult than others, but I always come out of it so much better off.

SPEAKER_02 34:29

Yeah. I I agree with that too. If I am going through a really low time, yeah. If I allow that to alchemize like those emotions and that energy, and I'm allowed it to turn into a lesson or something to take away, or how to do something differently next time, or yeah, there's always a bit of wisdom in it in the lesson.

SPEAKER_00 34:52

So another part of this episode that I wanted to talk about was achievement doesn't heal emotional wounds. And this is, I think, at the heart of what both of us It does, Amanda. Don't tell me that. Don't I know, I know I know. But it is the root of of what we're talking about here. So, like it could be that you find achievement because you have unresolved insecurities, you have abandonment wounds, you have low self-worth, maybe childhood conditioning, trauma following people into success. So external success amplifies who you already are internally. Um, so insecure people can still feel insecure in a beautiful body. Lonely people can still feel lonely in relationships. Anxious people can still feel still feel anxious after success. But you can upgrade your life without upgrading your self-worth. Yeah. You can find ways to make your life better without that external success.

SPEAKER_02 35:58

I think the most uncomfortable thing for somebody in that state of mind is being like stuck, unable to achieve, or in a period, a time of rest where like there's nothing you can go get after, or maybe you're sick. Maybe you're sick for a long time and so you can't achieve. And so we're looking for a dope in the Who am I? Who am I? What am I? And this is something that honestly, this is like a huge lesson in my life right now, where I am finding myself with more downtime and more free time than I've ever had. No, I'm still really busy in my achiever.

SPEAKER_00 36:36

It's it's comical, really. It's like her downtime is somebody's normal. It's comical. Or her downtime time is someone's very busy.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Yeah. But to me, I feel like I have all this time in the world because I had one Saturday without anything to do. But what I'm finding is in those moments, I used to find work to do. Like I would have downtime and I wouldn't like relax. I would be like, well, I better deep clean the oven. Or like, I'm gonna, you know, clean out the basement today or whatever. And I still do little projects like that. But I'm finding that now it's not as uncom uncomfortable for me to just, oh, I'm just gonna play a board game with the kids and I'm just gonna maybe read a book or take a nap. The other day I the other day I had a whole free day. I I got made vodka lemonades. They were so good. Cooked two different kinds of spaghetti, like experimented and made like a regular spaghetti, and then made um pasta alasina or assassinated pasta, you like burn it, you don't use it's really interesting. Anyway, it it was really good. And then um, and then watched a movie and then decided to drive to a movie theater and watch a movie in the movie theater. And that's what I did. I ate, cooked, drank vodka, and watched two movies and snuggled my puppies.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

So I want to talk about I think this is like the the best part about this, is that what was the feeling that you felt of fulfillment or what you know what was your feeling in that versus like previously when you were always trying to find something to do?

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Well, when I have a day like that, there's always a little voice in the back of my head. I know that's like you should be doing something productive. Like, why aren't you why aren't you writing that grant that you know you just do in two weeks? So like there's always this little voice in my head, and that is probably always gonna be there. But in those moments, I'm feeling like lighthearted. I got to create something, I got to make a new kind of spaghetti and try it and like experience the flavors. And then when I watched the movie, like it was a movie about the AIDS epidemic, and it was about um the drugs that they were giving people that were actually killing them. And so I learned about a moment in history, and I was like, this is really wow, this is really impactful. And then uh went to the movie theater and watched Devil Worst Prada 2 and ate like a bunch of junk food. We had like so much junk food, like fried mac and cheese bites and jalapeno poppers, and like just I don't know. None of it was productive, counterproductive, actually. It was, you know, ate tons of carbs, drank alcohol, relaxed, whatever. But I felt so happy. I I was happy to be spending that time with somebody that I care about. I was happy to be creating something um when we made the spaghetti. I was happy to be laughing.

SPEAKER_00 39:30

And you know, it's more fulfilling. Yeah. Right? Like I um I've noticed this when Antonio was gone on his trip and my kids were gone. I was like trying to get as as much done as possible. And I was like, man, I just like I got all this done, but the day wasn't what I really wanted it to be. I didn't have fun.

SPEAKER_02 39:55

I didn't, yeah. Did I laugh at all? We didn't have like any experiences of gratitude, like waking up this morning to those texts, like laughing, yeah, and then just feeling like so grateful for our friendship. That was like the best way to start my day.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Right. Yeah. It's so good, but and that connection and that community, and it's so much more fulfilling when you can lay your head down at night, and it's not about oh, I did this and I did that and I achieved this and I achieved that. Like put your ego aside and think of what did I do for my heart? Yeah, for like the little person inside of you, your inner child.

SPEAKER_02 40:30

Like I I think what happens is we drift so far into achievement and into external goals that we kind of just slowly walk away from the playful inner child that we have, and we we lose touch with ourselves when all of our validation is coming from achievements or external things, we lose touch of me and am I happy? And is this fulfilling and have I found purpose in this work? If our emphasis and our focus is on everyone out there and how it looks and how you know how much I've accomplished and these goals and that dopamine hit, if that's our focus, do we ever have time to focus inward? And I like to ask the questions Am I doing something meaningful with my life? When my children are adults, will they want to come home for the holidays? Do I know them? Do I do I have connections? Um do I have meaningful connections? I have one marvelous life. Like, am I doing things with my time that I'm proud of the person that I am? Am I proud of who I am? Am I proud of the kind of friend that I am, the kind of mom that I am, and the kind of businesswoman that I am? Am I proud of the way I treat people in my orbit? Yeah. Those are the questions that we should be asking.

SPEAKER_00 41:56

Yeah, I th I spoke about this last episode, but think about even each day before you go in with the day with intention of like, who do I want to be today? How do I want to feel today? What do I want to give today to other people? Because if I go to there's just nothing more rewarding in my career. Like I can get all the accolades, but there's nothing more rewarding than when I have someone who approaches me and was like, it was so amazing doing business with you. Uh-huh. It was so easy. Or thank you for like I had a client, I had a client last night who it was like real life GTA, like Grand Theft Auto. He had his vehicle stolen, all his equipment, and someone he had to like try to get in the vehicle, make this guy stop. He didn't, like, it was a whole thing. And last night we were talking, and he was like, We were both like, thank goodness we have this policy. We recently like found some things in the policy that needed readjusted based on the changes in his business, and we were like, Oh my gosh, thank goodness we did that. So now we know like we're fully covered here. And it's just so rewarding to know, or even when someone tells you, like, hey, I want you to know like your kid is doing amazing, and like I want to tell you, like, so it can be all these little things, it's just like you're providing service to the world, and that's far more important than what you're receiving from the world.

SPEAKER_02 43:34

You're right. I think those moments where you get that text from a friend that's like, Thank you for being such a good friend. Or from I yeah, I had like a renter the other day, you know, text me. I she said, like, I just want you to know I really admire you. And I was like, Wow, you know, those moments where the people that you're close to and that you do life with and you are able To inspire them or help them or I don't know. It's the little things. Like nothing makes me happier than sending a friend flowers or if someone's struggling, being able to buy their lunch, or you know, just those little things that we if we get so focused on accomplishments and making more money and making more, like we forget to look look at the people around us.

SPEAKER_00 44:22

I also think that the there's something to be said about when you're focusing on giving and being generous that it comes back in return. Yeah. Um not that that's the purpose of all this, but I just want people to know like it doesn't take away from anything. I remember I had a relationship with somebody at one point that he was all about like getting, getting, getting. And I could feel that energy and I couldn't stand it. I like just could not. He was a taker. He was a taker. And ultimately, like we just didn't, our values did not align. And I'm so glad. Just so glad it didn't work out because I don't want to live that way. And I don't want to live with someone who it's always about getting from people rather than serving people. Because I think that life is just so much more fulfilling when you are offering. And this is male or female. I think that it I think it's in women's nature to nurture and to give. And and but I think men can also benefit from this in a way that's like, how can I be of service to my community?

SPEAKER_02 45:35

Yeah. Nothing feels worse than someone helping you and then later realizing like it was like a tit for tat.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

You know, and a friendship like that one time.

SPEAKER_02 45:47

They come back and they're like, Well, I did this for you, so you have to do this for me. I had that happen in business to me last week. And honestly, I would have I love helping, I want to help this individual, this organization anyway. But it was like a we did this for you, now you need to do this for us. But like when they did the thing for me, they didn't say, you know, it wasn't like expressly like, oh, we'll do this, but you know, sometimes just not communicated up front that it's conditional. It's it's yeah, it'd be like if I were gonna help Amanda with things and then later I was like, Well, now that I've done this for you, yeah, you need to do this for me. Like, yeah, I I don't appreciate that, nor do I do that with people. I have a rule, if I lend something out to someone, I expect to never get it back. I hope they give it back to me, but I I release the expectation of getting it back so that I'm not mad at anybody when I don't. I just decide, okay, if I'm gonna lend this out, that means I'm willing to lose it. Hopefully they give it back, maybe they won't. And I think we can have to be that way with friendships and relationships too. Like I'm gonna I'm gonna give of myself and no no expectations. Hopefully they give back to me too, you know, in a reciprocal relationship. But if not, it's okay. Everybody has a different bandwidth. Which I think is difficult for high achievers.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Yeah. Yeah. I think that high achievers are so they're conditioned to obvious obviously like based on the success and what they do. So they're constantly in that energy of like I need to do and do and do and work harder and work harder and do this and do that. And it's not their that their intention is to be spiteful or anything like that, because we're high achievers and we do the we're we're always achieving for the next thing. However, like the underlying layer of it is based out of ego.

SPEAKER_02 47:36

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and relationships when you're just trying to achieve a goal, become transactional because you're so hyper-fixated on the goal. Oh, this person can help me get to the goal. And so then you use people in transaction um if you're not careful about that. Yeah. Because your goal can be blinding. Your achievement can be blinding. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:58

What else, Amanda? Um This has been a lot. This has been a lot. This is really I'm yawning, my nose is itching. You yawn every episode. I am a sleepy girl. I've been I've been sleepy. From one sleepy girl to another. I I agree. Well, I think, you know, we talked about building a life that looks good versus feeling good. I think we touch based on that pretty well. But I just want to wrap up with saying like these are the things that create fulfillment. So meaning, having meaning in life, having purpose, having connection with people, having peace. I think there's a lot of people who focus on chaos in their lives and they love the drama. I don't even know that they're really consciously aware of this, but when you're always looking for that excitement and there's always this drama, you're going to create more of it. Um so peace is like an it's such a value in life. It's Amanda's core value, which is why she's really dating on it. Yeah, that's true. Authenticity. I think that that's big for us. Growth, contribution, community, emotional safety, alignment. So fulfillment is internal. Yeah. Gratitude is really important. Regulating your nervous system. You know, when something stressful is happening and you're a high achiever, just being able to regulate yourself, maybe rewire the stories in your brain of what, you know, instead of thinking of the worst case scenario, thinking thinking of what is this teaching me or what door is this maybe opening for me. Becoming self-aware, I think, is incredibly important. And if when you're a high achiever, I think that especially when you own a business, there's nothing more that's going to create a self-awareness than than owning a business. And living aligned with your values instead of external validation. And we actually talked about that in a meeting this morning about, you know, this perception of this group that we're in. It's constantly getting so much hate, but if we're really sticking to the values, the values are going to outsine the perception of the the current perception of the group. Yeah. But if we really stick true to our values even as people and we are constantly living in those values, that's going to overcome so much more in life.

SPEAKER_02 50:20

I think if you know your values and you can find gratitude in the things that really are important to you, through the highs and lows of life, you're gonna be okay. Yeah. You'll be okay if you don't ride the waves. Yeah. If you're not, you know, if you're if you are letting every difficult situation, every wave that comes at you drown you, um, and you don't have an anchor in your values and your I don't know, you just have to have a the perspective of gratitude. But I think if you can center and anchor and recognize this too shall pass, this is just a hard moment. And the same with achievement, this too shall pass, highs and lows. Yeah. And so your happiness cannot be conditional on those external factors. Amen. Yeah, but they can cheers.

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Should we cheers?

SPEAKER_02 51:15

Cheers.

SPEAKER_00 51:16

Sorry to our listeners who had to listen to that.

SPEAKER_02 51:19

Oh my gosh, I have to be.

SPEAKER_00 51:21

Okay. I gotta be.

SPEAKER_02 51:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:23

I feel like that's how we end every episode is I I need to go.

SPEAKER_02 51:26

I drank the Sonic. The Sonic. Which I love Sonic. I get Sonic at least once a week. I always get an unsweetened iced tea, extra ice with sugar-free peach syrup. You're welcome. And uh it's really good. And so anyway, whenever I have a small bladder medically, this is a lot for our listeners. I had to have surgery on it when I was a kid. Really? Yeah, for real. I didn't know this. Born with a tiny bladder. Um, I wet the bed till I was like 12. For real. Yeah, and uh I got like sleepovers and stuff. I was always like really nervous. I was gonna pee the bed. I was super embarrassed. And then I had surgery on it. It actually didn't fix the problem. Oh. They stretched my urethra. Yeah. They went in and they thought, we'll make more room for the urine, so it's not so much pressure making our pee. Didn't work. Then they put me on medicine that gave me night terrors, and I would wake up in the middle of the night. One night I dreamed my dad was a cannibal, and the other night I dreamed I was being like chased by wolves, like this recurring dream, through this maze, and they would always catch me and kill my dog. Anyway, this is crazy story. So I do have to pee every episode, but it's because if I drink fluid even a little bit, my bladder's tiny. I may cut you off. I have a tiny body and you're a tiny person.

SPEAKER_00 52:32

A tiny. You're a tiny person. I was laughing with Antonio the other day because there was this video of um oh, you sent it to me. Uh huh. You know, keep up.

SPEAKER_02 52:46

She's like just striding, and then the short friend's like running, like trying to keep up with her. That is us.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Antonio's like, is she that tiny? I was like, she's that tiny. I am tiny. She's tiny. I'm a shorty. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, thanks for listening to our podcast that we came up on a whim, but we hope it was helpful. Next week we'll be more prepared, and we're hoping you enjoy the video. Um, like us on YouTube, yeah, subscribe, and send us recommendations of what you want to hear us talk about.

SPEAKER_02 53:15

Yeah. Yeah. We're open books. Yes. Tell you anything.

SPEAKER_01 53:18

Okay. All right, bye guys. Bye.