My Friend Hates My Husband

We are back!  This week we discuss what to do when your friend tells you they hate your significant other.  How do you handle that?  Do you address it or just ghost? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Deep Thoughts with Holly and Haley. This week's episode, we're discussing being friends with someone who hates your significant other.

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Quick disclaimer, while we do have a background in mental health care, we are not your licensed mental health providers. If you're in need of professional mental health care, please reach out to a local office near you. If you're in crisis, please tell 911 or 988 for immediate assistance. Welcome back. It's been a while. It has been. Yes. Yeah, we've had some professional things and personal things. It's been off the air for a minute.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

But that's kind of real life, right? That is real life. That's that's sort of part of we've had a lot of deep thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

We've had a lot of deep thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

And but so have you right, and we're back. And we we have an email. Yes. Um, so it says, Hi Holly and Haley. My name is Addy from Tucson. And I was recently told by my friend that she hated my husband and would gladly hang out with me, but not him, as she said he made a rude comment once about six months ago. I guess that didn't sit well with her. Um, should I ditch her because we're a package deal or keep the friendship? I haven't told my husband because I don't want him to hate her. Help. Whoa. So yeah, that that got my mind swirling about first of all, like that was real honest. I mean, I I appreciate that, like she was honest?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

Yeah, I would like to know what the rude comment was.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

I know, like, I'd like to know because I feel like that would give some context. But I mean, there's a part of me, yeah, that appreciates I'm trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. Okay. Yeah, I'm trying to be devil's advocate here. Go for it, do it. Um like if I had a friend who like I loved, but I didn't like their husband. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I feel like it would have to be something pretty egregious.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

And it almost feels like, you know, your spouse, and and I don't know how long you've been married, I don't, you know, any of those. Right, or if you had this friend before you got married. Right. Yeah. Right. But it also feels like when you get married, you're sort of one, you're sort of like not that your husband has to be friends with all your friends and vice versa. You know, we all have different friendships, and that's fair.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Um, but but I feel like if you can't be like in the same room with your friends, then hate is very strong word. Hate is strong. How do you reconcile that?

SPEAKER_00 3:20

And has this friend ever mentioned this before? Like, you know, that comment that Johnny made, you know, that was six months, I guess. Six months? Like, has she just been dwelling on this for six months? This entire time. Six months. Maybe she was getting the courage up to say it? Maybe.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

It's pretty long. I mean, but like if you so I'm trying to think, like you've been harboring this for like if you came to me and said, Hey, I don't want to hang out with Marquez, who's my soon-to-be husband, getting married in October. Um, if you came to me and said, Hey, I don't want to hang out with you guys together because I hate him, because he said whatever this was, I mean, my first thing is gonna be like, I want to tell him to be like, what did you say? Like, yeah, what like what happened here? Like, what did you say? What happened? Also, knowing my fiance, he would have said something and not meant however it was take like, and maybe that's what it was. Like, maybe they that person said something rude, not realizing it was rude, or not realizing like how it came across. Right. Or whatever. Like, because we've we've argued about stuff like that before, where like he'll I'll say, like, he'll be like, Oh, what do you have to one of the first times he like stayed in my house or whatever, like the next morning he was like, Oh, we gotta figure out something to do for breakfast. And I was like, Oh, well, I have yogurt and whatever else. He was like, Ugh. Like, because he wanted something more substantial, right? But like the way he said it, I was like, psh. Well then was my yogurt not good enough for you? Go down to the diner. I was like, go get your own breakfast then. Go to the bojangle circle. Like, go get whatever you want. He was like, No, no, no, no, he's like, that's not what I meant. He's like, and then like explained what he meant.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Horrific explosive diarrhea. And I was like to embarrass myself.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

I'm like, yeah, but you realize like how you said that came across as rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that again.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

And even, you know, um sarcasm. Like, I can be kind of sarcastic sometimes. Oh, me too. And I I mean it in all, you know, jokey, like it's okay. Like, I don't mean it vicious, but sometimes I think people can take it that way. Yeah. Um, so was it maybe uh maybe it was a little sarcastic? Yeah, you know, they were just trying to be funny or or thought it was funny or thought you would get it, and maybe you were really hurt by it. Yeah. And to validate your friends' feelings, like that probably was hurtful for them.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

However, and if it's taken them six months to get up the courage, like you kind of have to. I mean, I think yet I appreciate the honesty. I appreciate the honesty. I don't think you immediately jump to completely ditching this person because what it sound what is probably a misunderstanding, right, or something that just needs to be addressed. Like, we're adults, like it sounds like I mean, obviously, this is between two adults. Right. Like, if you want to continue this friendship with this person, I think it just needs to be addressed. Right. Like, have the it's gonna be weird, it's gonna be awkward, it's gonna be uncomfortable. But I think if you want to have that, like salvage that friendship, I think, like if there's that much animosity, one-sided, like if that person doesn't feel safe around your husband, like that's a whole nother conversation where like, yeah, we gotta address that. Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Um, but he just made a con, you know, unless it was a uh a perverse sexually, you know, that kind of where you're like, this goes against everything I stand for. Yeah, that's different. Um it's funny because hearing that, my first instinct as me in my my naturalness is F you. Um, you know, that sort of thing of like, not that I don't value that friendship, but also like this is my husband. And you know, if if it comes down to it, I'm gonna choose I'm gonna choose my family over you. Obviously. You know, I'm sorry you don't like him. And I'm also a ghoster. So I'm just not gonna talk to you. I'm gonna put you over here, I'm not gonna talk to you, and I'm gonna let the friendship, you know, unless you start to pursue it. But I'm gonna let it fade away because without having to be a big girl and using the words, I'm just gonna let it fade away, which is also something that I have notoriously done, which I consider myself a communicator. But when I'm hurt like that, yeah, I'm just gonna, that's my method of running away. I'm gonna ghost you, I'm not gonna talk to you, and I'm gonna be over here. Yeah. Um, is that the big girl approach? It is not. So let's think about it in how can we use big girl context? Maybe we can actually like sit down and say, like, what was it that he said? Maybe we can work through this. And can you be friends with him knowing they feel this way about your spouse? Can you continue on?

SPEAKER_01 9:09

I don't think Is it worth it? I don't think you can continue on without some sort of like because you're now holding a secret from your husband. Like you're saying you're not telling him because you're afraid it's gonna hurt his feelings. So you're holding that back, and that's just never a good idea. Um I agree. I think that the only way to move forward is to mediate that situation. And unfortunately, as you're the common person in between, you're in between. You're in between. So it's likely gonna be you that's having to do this work, which is hard because you're married to one person, so obviously you're gonna. I don't know. I have such an interesting relationship with my fiance, though, that I'm just like, what did you do?

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Well, but but also right.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

But at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

And he'd be the same with me. He'd be like, What did you do? Exactly. But it's also at the same time, it kind of seems like from at what Addie said that her she's fearful that her husband's reaction is, Well, now I hate this friend. Like, I, you know, you don't need to be friends with this person, and this is gonna cause an issue in their relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

I mean, I yeah, I think really get to the bottom of what it was. If it was really egregious, then I mean, I feel like you still have to kind of address it with your spouse and be like, hey, what did you mean by that? Right. Um, because there could be something big, like if it was like a sexual comment, or like we gotta do something about that. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Um or like you know, and then also thinking like maybe it was a degrading, not just sexually degrading, but degrading maybe body shaming, maybe um uh racist, as we talked about. Um, you know, and I homophobic if you if your friend is is gay. I you know, I I don't know. I don't know what it was because you didn't tell us Addie, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

You don't have to tell us um these are all just different approaches for different situations.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

At the end of the day, you know, I think that it's up to you to maybe reach out to that friend, get more information. If you feel comfortable doing so, um talk to your spouse about it. Maybe they would both be willing to intervene. It doesn't mean that they're gonna be friends. It just means that we're talking about this and you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

I mean, because what I would say most disagreements and things like that come down to just purely like miscommunication. Right. Or misunderstanding. Or what people think they heard or see or zoom, right, right.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

And then so and sometimes we're a bit judgmental. Right. Too. Like And it doesn't help if you've got people in your ear saying, you know, this is bad or don't do this, or you know, that doesn't help either. No, definitely not. So it's really hard. It is really hard.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Like it's it's one of those you about you yourself too are gonna have to be in the place where you feel like you can be as neutral as possible. Yes to have a conversation. Like you can't go in asking your friend what your husband said to them that made them uncomfortable with like an e like defensiveness. Right. Like, oh well he didn't mean that, or oh, that's not like no, like even if you think that it's how was it perceived by this person? And it hopefully can just be cleared up by like talking to your husband and him being like, oh my god, no, I did not mean like I didn't mean it that way. Like I'm horribly embarrassed that that came across that like let me apologize. Um and then you know, and then your friend might feel embarrassed too that they took it that way, like it's just a whole thing, like could be a whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

It could be. And ultimately, if in the end, you know, you go through all of this and you try to open up that communication and it's still just you you're kind of hitting a wall. Yeah. I think you have to look at is this friendship worth keeping? Right or has it caused more harm?

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

And if you walk away from every interaction you have with this person, you know, continuing to to have those feelings and they're having these feelings, maybe your friendship was for a season. Yeah. And maybe, you know, we've sort of had to move past that. And you know, friendships are seasonal sometimes. Sometimes we have friends for a season of our life and then they go away. Sometimes they come back. You know, it's just sort of the nature of what happens um in our lives. And and it's true when we're teenagers, it's true when we're adults, it just kind of ebbs and flows. But at the end of the day, ultimately you have to figure out what's right for you, and maybe it is looking at your relationship. Maybe this is shining a light a little on your relationship. Maybe your husband is out there saying rude things that you're not even aware of that you're like, what the hell? And so maybe this is creating some conversation in your relationship too.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Yeah, and I mean, and again, like context of everything, but I think thinking also, like, is this a friend you've had from childhood? Like, is this someone who knows you really well that you've trusted like your whole life telling you this? Exactly. And like, like I've said before, like, if your friends don't like the person that you're dating, you might want to take a look at that.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

I'm gonna have to tell Marquez that I don't like the person he's dating. It's gonna be tough.

unknown 15:19

It's gonna be tough. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

When you were saying, like, if I said uh Marquez, I don't want to hang out with you, I'd be like, I don't know about him.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

I could see it like it's the other way.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

So Marquet, I don't know if I want to hang out. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

You wanna hang out with Haley.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

She's okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

No, I'm just kidding. She doesn't really think sometimes. She's not wrong.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

We both do.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Oh my god. We can get along. Very similar.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

We are similar.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Um, yeah, so yeah, I think if it's coming from someone that you've known and you've trusted for a really long time, like that's important to consider. Yes. Is this the first time anyone's ever said anything? It's true. About your spouse? Or has this been kind of a common thing that you may want to look at?

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Maybe ask, maybe a confidant, maybe your mother or someone you know you're close to and said, Have you ever seen Roger? I'm making up a name here. Have you ever seen Roger act this way? Have you ever has he ever said this to you? Because this is what my friend just said. You know.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

If she's like, oh my gosh, no, never. Then it's like, okay, maybe this is a misunderstanding.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Or is there some manipulation happening? It could be deeper. Like, is she jealous? Is there the is that happening? Is it true? It depends on how well you know the friend, because there are friends out there who are manipulators who are trying, you know, yeah, they're trying to cause drama.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

As a new friend, like somebody you just met, who's like you don't know as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Exactly. That's another angle on it to think about. So Addy, at the end of the day, I'm so sorry. No, this is a horrible position to be in. But um, as Haley said, communication is key. Um, working through it, and like I said, after all the communication and and all the feedback, if it's not working, it's not working.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

So and I feel like if you are like, I know you don't want your husband to not like this person or to have their feelings or I don't remember exactly what you said.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Um, but hate her. Hate her, yeah. Um I think you have to talk to him because and if you're scared of him, that's concerning. Right. Um but yeah, I think you've got I think you have to tell him. Yeah, I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Like it didn't read that way that she was scared of him. I think it was just she didn't want him to have a negative perspective on a set.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Well, I think it's the way you say it too. Right, right. Like Yeah, again, don't come at him accusatory, which I would have to keep myself. I was gonna say you have to work on that. Listen.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah. Instead of what did you do? Come up and say, you know, Sally just said that, you know, you had made this comment and it really hurt her. That's different than, you know, uh, what'd you do? Roger.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Baby asking more quiz. What did you say? What did you do? I was like, I said I didn't like yogurt.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Like, that's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

You're out. You're out. Wedding is off. Wedding's off.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

But I'm sorry, I'm lactose intolerant. I'm so I didn't mean it that way. It's just I get the tummy hurts. My tummy hurts.

SPEAKER_01 18:49

Explosive diarrhea. Out, get out, get out. Did you know there's like a thing going around about explosive diarrhea? No. There's a vir there's a parasite. Oh yes. Explosive diarrhea parasite? You said it was viral, and I was like, oh, is it on the TikTok? Not viral. I mean, it is viral, people talking about it viral, like, but no, it's a parasite. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Yes, I have heard of that, yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

So this is your sign. Don't eat salad. Oh, does it come from salad? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

Oh no. I had a salad uh this evening for dinner. It's a bad plan. Don't do that. Oh no. No. Well, there goes my whole veggie plan.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

No veggies unless they're cooked.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

No raw veggies. Or fruit. None of the above. No raw produce.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

So we just starve to death, basically. Just get on that carnivore diet.

unknown 19:42

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

I mean, we really can up the protein, but you know, wow. You have to cook them. I'll be able to like throw you up over my head or something. Like all that protein. Like, building muscle. Building that muscle. And I'm never hungry because all I eat is meat. And you know how much I just love meat. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

My son would do great. Yeah. He looks so big old carnivore. Yeah. Just uh, you know, watch your produce.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

Addie, watch out for that produce. Watch your produce. Talk to your friends. Talk and your husband. Yeah. And we wish you the best because that's a shitty situation to be in, my friend. Absolutely. I mean, even more shitty if you get the explosive diarrhea parasite. Literally. But you know, keep us posted, not on the diarrhea. No. I mean, if you must. If you want to, that's okay. We're here. T M I, but the other day my poop looked like a penis and two balls. What? Ow! I don't know, but it came out and I was like, whoa. Do you inspect your poops often? I do for health concerns. Good. Yeah. Yeah, you should. Look at your poop. You should. That's another tip for y'all. Look at your poop. Another PSA. PSA out here. Yeah. Look at your poop. Look at your poop. Make sure.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Best of luck, my friend.

SPEAKER_00 21:06

I'm sorry that you emailed. I I apologize. We hope that you we helped you in many ways.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Also look at your poop.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Also look at your poop.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Periodically. Do that.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

And don't eat veggies.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Don't eat.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Don't eat don't eat raw produce.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Exactly. Yeah. Stay away from those parasites. Yeah. Well. Well, this was fun. This was great. All right. We will catch you next week. Bye. Bye. Deep Thoughts is a production by Holly and Haley. Social media brought to you by Holly. Podcast editing by Haley. Visual design by Marquez. For sponsorship opportunities, please reach out to us via email, Deep Thoughts with H at gmail.com.