How to Forgot How to Even People Please

Ahh, people pleasing. The tool we believe is keeping us "safe", but is actually keeping us "stuck". And...even in a pattern of sinning

Let's talk about it: why we do it, what the Bible says about it, and how to break the habit all together. Yes, it's possible (sincerely, a former people pleaser)

My Worship Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ymqW6Yjv7Iw5ZbTan2uuU?si=Df92FoYzTfSavrZ4o3j4SA

Have a beautiful and blessed week! 

Transcript

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Hello, hello, my beautiful ladies. Welcome into the podcast. I'm Alexis. I'm so happy that you are here. And today we are talking about something that is so necessary to life. Something that as women, I think every single one of us have struggled with, and that is people pleasing. This topic was actually a request. I've had this request multiple times to do it. And I always felt, okay, eventually we'll talk about it, but I will know the right moment. And two days ago, I got slightly triggered by something that I'm going to share with you. And I thought, all right, here we go. I have to talk about this because I am actively fighting it, fighting off the last small part of it now. And yesterday I was looking back at my journals and from years ago and just thinking, oh my gosh, I used to really struggle with people pleasing. And one of my friends said something to me recently. She goes, Alexis, you have such good boundaries. I know that you will always speak your truth. You will always set boundaries, and I really respect it. And I'm hearing her say that, and I'm looking at my journal prompts from years ago, and I'm just thinking, three to four years ago, I was completely different. I used to care so much what people thought. I was such a pleaser. I was so accommodating. Comes from that good girl mask that we always talk about on YouTube, right? And I never thought that I would get to the version of me that I am now, where I can do things like read negative comments on my videos and go about my day. Not even needing to justify myself, block them, explain myself, not needing to explain my standards, my boundaries, what I stand for. And it is so freeing. I think it's also the only reason that I started this podcast is because I'm just not afraid to speak my truth in any form or any way. And I want this for every single woman, every single man, too, of course. But my girls, I want this for you extra, okay? And so thank you for always requesting such great, great topics. Let's get into this one. And I don't remember if I introduced myself, but I'm Alexis. And if this is your first episode, I'm so happy that you are here. I'm a feminine energy coach and I love Jesus. And so this is the space where we talk about both and really just how to be the most powerful woman of God that you can be, whether you're Christian or not, you are welcome. So I love having you. Let's get into this now. So, people pleasing, I'm gonna say something bold because I'm not afraid to be a people pleaser anymore. People pleasing is a sin. It's a sin. Why is it a sin? Number one is because it puts people above God as the master. And anything that we are a master to, or that we have a master of, we are a slave to. And so if money is our master, we are a slave to money. If validation is our master, we are a slave to validation. Wherever the trends and the likes and the validation moves to, you move with it like a servant. Same thing with humans. If humans are ever our master, we will always be their servant until you realize there is only one master, and his name is God. So people pleasing is a sin because it puts people above God as a master, and God is very, very clear. I'm reading the Old Testament right now, and God says it over and over again. I will not tolerate your affection for other gods. I will not tolerate your affection for idols. I just love the way he phrases that. We have a jealous God. He's a father who loves us and hates when we worship idols. It's like it actually is the creator seeing that we are now worshiping what he has created. It doesn't make any sense. It's like if we were working on a painting and someone comes along and they're like, Oh, painting, you're so beautiful, you're so wonderful, you're so glorious. How did you create yourself? And you're standing there as the artist, like, excuse me, I created this painting. Why are you worshiping what I created? And so God makes it clear we are not to put any idols above him. And unfortunately, people pleasing puts humans above God. Number two reason why people pleasing is a sin is because fearing men is disobedience. God commands us in the Bible fear God, not humans, not those who can kill your body, is what he says. This is in Matthew 10, 28. And so the Bible is very clear, fearing men is disobedience. And we did our episode, How to Have Faith When You Feel Fear. And I mentioned in there that do not fear is commanded 365 times in the Bible. Literally a verse for every single day, because God knew He knew what we would go through. And I get it. Because I grew up in an environment that I felt I had to please to stay safe, I so get it, which is why I'm gentle when I say people pleasing is a sin. Why do we fall into this though? Well, it's because we think that in order to stay safe, we can control other people's emotions. If we can just control how they think about us, if we can make sure that they like us, we won't be excluded. If we can make sure that our parent is not upset with us, we can make sure that we'll still have shelter and food for the next day. If we can make sure that our boss likes us, we'll still have a pay raise or we'll still have a paycheck. The problem with people pleasing to stay safe is that self-created safety is an illusion. It will never actually work and it will never be enough. So I have four points here that are going to break down how to stop people pleasing. And before these points, I'm gonna give you five verses. In all five of these verses, if you want, write them down, memorize them. If you feel, Alexis, I am struggling, like I cannot stop my mouth from pleasing, I cannot stop my facial expressions. I feel like I'm constantly fawning or freezing. Memorize these scriptures. And when we get to point number one, I'll tell you why you're gonna want to memorize them. Galatians 1.10. This is my favorite that we're gonna talk about all day. It says, obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant. Matthew 10.28. This is Jesus speaking now. He says, Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body. They can't touch your soul. Fear only God who can destroy both soul and body in hell. That one's pretty scary, right? It's scary and true. First Thessalonians 2.48. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our heart. That one is such a good one to remember because he alone, every single word in the scripture is so intentional. He alone, not he and your mom, not he and your boss, not he and everyone that follows you on Instagram. God alone examines the motives of your heart. It is impossible to create security by you people pleasing because no one will ever know the motive of your heart. You know what they will think is they will think from their own perception, based on their own experiences, based on their own beliefs. You cannot control people's experiences and beliefs, which is why I said safety is an illusion earlier. The more I read the Bible, the more I think, let me just follow everything it says, because here I am taking the long route, but God has given us the blueprint for everything in life. Psalm 56, 11, in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? I love that one. It's a little polarizing energy in there. And the last one is Proverbs 29, 25. The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. And you can think of a snare as a trap. It says so clearly, fearing men will trap you. Why does it trap you? Because it's a hamster wheel that never stops. Until you learn to fear God more than you fear man, you will always be running on a hamster wheel of people pleasing. So, how do you stop people pleasing? Number one, you must become rooted in your identity. You must be so rooted in it. And here's the story that I'm gonna tell you where two days ago I got slightly triggered. And I was looking at, so my business, we launched these new payment plans. And I've been telling my international girls, I'm gonna come up with something for you to join the programs and be able to have payment plans in case you don't want to pay the full price at once. I've been telling them this for like a year. So finally I launched this for them and I called it rubber band stretch stretch sizes. If you're on YouTube and you're in my courses, you know why I called it this. And so I made the announcement on YouTube, and there was a comment that I got saying, someone needs to help you with your names for your offers. And it kind of hurt my heart at first because I was so proud of this name. Like I thought it was so clever, I thought that it was such a such a play on one of the concepts that I teach. And I thought, oh, okay, she doesn't like it. Maybe I should take this as feedback. And at first I I got slightly triggered, and then I had to catch myself and say, this does not feel familiar to me. I'm wanting to explain myself, wanting to explain the concept. And as I'm going about just thinking about this, I stop myself. This is about 10 seconds into overthinking, and I go, This is not my identity anymore. And I immediately say one of these scriptures that I know always speaks life back to me. And it's in Psalm 139. And I said, I'm wonderfully and complexly made. And I was just speaking what God already told me in that scripture. I was saying, Alexis, you're already wonderful. And the way that your brain thinks, it's so come, it's so complex, it's so wonderful. This comment does not match God's truth. Let it go. And I did. And I felt so free. I thought, oh my gosh, this took me 10 seconds to do. Years ago, I would have spiraled, I would have responded, tried to explain myself, I would have gone into scrolling and all these self-sabotage habits because I would have felt anxious that someone didn't like my work. And I was just so grateful for that. And I thought I have to tell the girls so that they know that it is also possible for them. And to know that my heart still does feel these comments. It doesn't pierce me the way that they used to. And I was journaling yesterday and I said I cannot wait for the day where I don't feel anything at all. Because if I'm honest, I still do. It stings a little bit, but then I realize, oh, I've had this before, I'm going to survive. And I actually love the name. And I think it's so it's so on brand for me. And that's that. Well, God is so good, and he gave me some extra cushion on top of that. Because I go to read the comments under it, ladies. I I'm just obsessed with you, and I love you. So many of the glow girls were in there saying, I think this name is so clever and cute. Uh, sounds like you need a rubber band stretch yourself. The thousands of us who buy her programs and love them love this name. You must be new here. Just all these comments that were defending me. And ladies, you do not ever have to do that. It's so sweet of you. And I appreciate it, of course, but also it's a waste of time to explain ourselves or to explain me. I think let people have their own opinions, and another opinion has no impact on my identity. That is the affirmation that I lead with. People are allowed to have their own opinions. And I even think about God, the most powerful, the creator of the universe, he gave us the right to have free will and to have our own opinions. I can imagine how frustrating it is for God to know the truth and to know what would give us the best life, and to just sit up there like, I promised I would let you have your own beliefs and own free will. So I also just let other people do the same. This is their life too, and we each have our own. And so God, He always takes care of your identity. You don't have to prove your identity, your identity is already sealed. How do you know your identity? Know God. How do you know God? Read His book. In the Bible, God tells us over and over, we are made in His image. If someone makes a comment to you that you're unworthy or you are this or you are that, does that match with God's image? No. So that does not get to match with your beliefs and your truth. Think about, my girls that are in book club, you'll love this. Think about reading the Bible as diving into a story about a character who God has spent so much time making. He created this book to let that character read about themselves and come to life. The Bible is the only book that you read and it reads you. It tells you who you are because it tells you who God is. And so God's instruction book, it tells us our character, it tells us his character, it tells us what we should do, what we should not do. And when you're so clear on what you should do and who you are, what God says and what God does not say, when outside voices say something that don't match what is in that book, do not match the character that God has told you you are in here, you let it go without hesitation. It's like if you're reading a fantasy book. So we just finished our Glow Girls Book Club for the season. And in the book that we were reading most recently, there was a scene where some dragons were fighting, and I thought for a second, is this the fourth wing series? And I knew it's not. Why? Because I we were three books into this series, and I knew the characters so well. I knew the plot so well that when I remembered another series I had read, I thought, oh, they also had dragons and fighting, and it kind of reminds me of that book. But I knew that they're two separate books. I knew that they're two separate main characters. When you read the Bible, anything that comes and tries to write a new story for you, you will not hold as your truth. It will not feel familiar to you. Every single morning, it is so important that the first thing that you do is read the word of God. One of my, this is not my motto, it's what someone else said, but I I say it every day is cons I consume the word before the world. My phone is on airplane mode until after the first hour that I wake up. Because the first hour of my day, I get up, I brush my teeth, I read a devotional, I take Gus to the bathroom, then I read the Bible. I do not go to the gym until that's done. I don't look at any texts, any emails until that's done. I've been so solid with my boundaries that when my subconscious is open and it's moldable in that alpha wave state in the morning, I am filling it with the truth. I am filling it with who God is and what he says about me. And so it is so important that you have nutrients going into your mind, into your heart, into your soul. So that when you turn yourself off airplane mode in a sense, and you navigate the world, you are not swayed left and right. So this is how you know your identity. Some scripture that tells you your identity. Psalm 139, as I was talking about, I am wonderfully and complexly made. I am worthy. Where does it say that we're worthy? The part where Jesus is hanging on the cross. A man that knew no sin took on our sin so that we could be forgiven. You are worthy because a man who was sinless, who is so pure, came into this world, died for you, so that your life could be free. I am accepted. Where does it say in the Bible that we're accepted? Every single story in the New Testament where Jesus is sitting with sinners, where the Pharisees were going, why is he eating with such scum? Why is he hanging out with these people who dealt with demons in their past, who were tax collectors, who ran away from their parents' homes, who got into drinking and gambling and all of this. While the Pharisees are judging the people that Jesus is hanging out with, Jesus is saying, You are accepted. I don't care about your past and I love you. So you can never not be accepted by the world because the only one who can actually give you true acceptance has already decided that you are worthy. I am chosen. So where does it say this in the Bible? In John 15, 16, I love this verse. Jesus says, You didn't choose me, I chose you. That could be the end of this episode. That sentence alone is enough to break off that habit of people pleasing. You are chosen already. So who are you trying to please? In the episode that we did, Stop Chasing, You're Already Chosen. We're talking about the story where Jesus meets that woman at the well, the woman who has slept with a lot of men, and the community just shamed her and looked down on her. And Jesus tells her, If you continue to drink this water, you will always be thirsty. As she's drawing up water from the well. She's like, What are you talking about? I have to drink this water. And Jesus says, I have water that when you drink it, you will never be thirsty again. It fills you so much, in fact, that it becomes a fresh bubbling spring within you, giving you eternal life. And of course, he's talking about a relationship with him. And in that episode, we had talked about why we get so thirsty and we do things like this woman where we try to get validation, we try to find ourselves in men, in social media, even in our business, in friendship circles. Why we are so thirsty for this water is because we are parched. We are trying to be picked because we are parched. We are starving for the water that Jesus offers because all we've been doing is drinking the world. You know, when you we maybe you had better water than I did, let's hope. In elementary school, the water at the water fountains, it was always so disgusting. Um, I don't know, maybe it's because I went to a public school. But in school growing up, I remember the water always tasted so bad, and I've never felt hydrated after drinking it. And I just could not wait to get back home and fill up my water from home. And now that I think about it, that is what it's like to drink from the world. There's unfiltered bacteria, cheap tap water, dirt. That is what it is to try to drink from the world. It's never going to satisfy you. It will never hydrate you. And actually, it makes you more thirsty. Same with people pleasing. It will never be enough. And so seeking validation, seeking worth through people, it's a never-ending thirst. You must be rooted in your identity in Jesus. It is so much simpler to do than we think. If I would have heard someone say this a few years ago, I would have thought, but how do you actually root yourself in your identity? Besides reading the Bible every day, which there is life in this book, also memorizing scripture will help you. So in our episode, I'm blanking on the name, but it's something about routines and habits to reignite that fire for your faith. I believe we did it January of 2026. In that episode, I talk about all of the habits that have made me feel on fire for God. Just so, so deeply passionate about my faith. And one of those habits that I talk about is that I memorize five new verses every single month. And so I just wrote out my new ones on flashcards yesterday and memorized them. I've been doing this for maybe a year, a year, and a few months. It has changed my subconscious mind. I'm just in amazement. Yesterday I went to go put my uh like swap my flashcards out, and I'm holding the pile of flashcards that I've memorized over this last year. A thick stack, and I'm just thinking, no wonder why I'm so different. Because this is what has solidified my beliefs. This is what is swimming around in my subconscious. What the heck was in there before? And so it's not super long verses. For example, the five that I gave you in the beginning, if you memorize those, I guarantee you in one month, most of your people pleasing will break off. Every morning when I wake up, right before I read the Bible, I recite those five scriptures. And every night, right as I'm journaling and about to go to bed, I recite them again. Takes me 30 minutes to memorize five scriptures. And what I do, I pick the five that I want to memorize. I write each of them out on a note card, and then I will say the sentence out loud. I will repeat it again until I can say it without looking at the card, and then I move to the next one and I keep doing that for all five. Takes me 30 minutes to memorize. And it also feels good. Like I forget in school we used to do that kind of stuff all the time. And that muscle weakens a lot when we're not doing it anymore. So now a funny story about one of the ones that I memorized yesterday. This is actually not funny though. It's just God's timing is so good. One of the ones that I had memorized yesterday, it was Psalm 4.8, and it says, In peace I will lie down and sleep. For you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. And so I wake up yesterday morning. Um I memorized that one. And yesterday, the war began again in the United Arab Emirates. And so you maybe heard me talking about this in March. The uh the country that I live in began being attacked with missiles and drones. It was super crazy, crazy month. And then there was a ceasefire that happened, I believe, in April. And so for the past few weeks, everyone living here in the UAE has just been celebrating. Like we are so thankful that there is peace back in the land. We're resuming our normal lives, we're hanging out with friends again, like uh our mental health picked up a lot. And yesterday, for the first time in weeks, we all got a missile alert on our phones and our hearts just sunk. My group chats were blowing up like, guys, did you get that? Did you get that? I can't believe the war is starting again. And of course I was disappointed. And just the unknown, it's very difficult, but I trust God so much. I trust him more than anything. And I feel no fear. I, of course, I'll just be smart about things, but I don't feel fear and panic. Yesterday, when I'm about to lay down and go to sleep, I pull out my note cards again and I smile and I start laughing out loud, thinking, God, how did you know that I would need this verse today? In peace, I will lie down and sleep. For you alone, oh Lord, will keep me safe. I even feel so emotional thinking about it now. How I pick those verses is I just ask God, can you point me to the verses to memorize? I have a list on my phone of ones that I'll read and I'll write down because I love them, and I just pull from that list. When the war first began in March, and my neighborhood was hit. I was paranoid going to sleep. I did not want to sleep near the window. I was so scared of a missile hitting my building. And I would I would talk to my mom on the phone and I would just cry with her and say, I'm so scared to sleep. And I have the most amazing church here. And the pastor wrote a devotional for us, mid-war, by the way. And one of the days of the devotional, he said, sleep is the greatest act of surrender. Because when you close your eyes, it's saying, God, I trust you. I'm going to turn off my mind, I'm going to shut my eyes, and I trust that you've got me. And so sleep has been a really, really huge thing for me these last couple months because it's the first time where I would wake up and say, Thank you, God, that I'm alive today. And it was scary to go to sleep. And so that verse, Psalm 4.8, I just thought, what are the chances that I choose to memorize this one? Not knowing that we would begin the war again. So God is good. And I feel like there's little whispers that he gives sometimes where he just goes, I see you, and you're safe. So uh that was a long story, but what I was saying is how to know your identity is to memorize scripture. Because in your subconscious, you will have the truth. And now when someone makes a comment to you, you'll go, uh, that doesn't sit with the truth that's in my subconscious. Uh, even, for example, I made a TikTok video and I was talking about, I said, God is such a girl dad. And this video, it got a lot of views because I was saying that he he's so intentional with our cycle. He knew that as women, we would hold in all of our emotions. And so he gave us the luteal phase to slow us down and make us release emotions. He gave us one week out of the month where our body is forced to slow down. He gave us a week of creativity, the ovulation phase. And so I was just talking about how beautifully he designed our cycle. And I said he's just the best girl dad ever. And there was a comment that God is not a dad. And I thought, hmm. When I first became introduced to Christianity, I never saw God as a father. I saw him more as like a judge. Then when I started getting to know him better and reading the Bible over and over and over and over again, God says, He is our father and we are his children. And so I'm just thinking, if I didn't have truth, I would have believed those comments like that. God is not a dad. He tells us to call him Abba, which translates to father. In Jeremiah, he tells us, I looked forward to you calling me father, and I wanted you to never turn from me. God says that we are his children, that he knit us together in the womb. And so even when you're learning more about Christianity, if you know the word of God, you will know what comments are true and which ones are not. And in the world of social media, there's so much, I say this with parentheses, truth that's being taught. Your truth must come from the Bible. Everything that people teach you, pastors, me, any podcast that you listen to, you must filter it through the truth. That is the only way that you will get clarity. So memorizing scripture and a great place to also start would be reading the book of John. Because when you read the book of John, you see Jesus' life and how he lived. And he never once pleases people. He never once goes into explaining himself. He even says things like, not everyone will understand this. And you're not supposed to hear it if you can't understand it. He's so polarizing. And when you're reading about Jesus, it almost gives you permission to be the same. He was such a rebel and a rule breaker. And this is going into our second point a little bit. So number one was become rooted in your identity. Number two, become rooted in your purpose. And so I'm watching The Chosen right now. And I love that so many of you are also watching it too. There was that episode where, ah, what had happened. Yes, Jesus had healed a lame man. So uh not someone who's lame, but someone who couldn't walk. Um, anyways, so this man he couldn't walk for 20 plus years. And long story short, Jesus heals him. He says, Do you believe, or not do you believe, do you want to be healed? And the man starts making all these excuses. Jesus goes, That's not what I asked. Do you want to be healed? And the man said, Yes. And Jesus said, Pick up your mat and walk. This man did exactly as Jesus said, and everyone watched him get healed. 20 years he had been laying by this pool, trying to get in to get the healing, healing um power of the water. He never got a chance to get in. And when Jesus tells him, get up and walk, and he does, he starts jumping, he's celebrating, he's hugging Jesus. He feels like he just got his life back. And I'm just thinking, imagine being crippled for 20 plus years, watching your life just go by, feeling helpless. One man comes along and decides, I want to take time to save you. I love Jesus. Well, anyways, some of the Jewish Pharisees who, the Pharisees, they were the ones who they were the leaders in the Jewish synagogues, they were the ones that taught about scripture. And Pharisees, they focused on religion more than the relationship with God. They made themselves the ones in power and pretty much denied God's power. That is why they couldn't recognize Jesus when he came. And so, anyways, these rule followers, the Pharisees, they get mad when Jesus heals this man because it's the Sabbath. And in the Old Testament, it says one day a week you must rest, not even doing any cleaning, not even any working. And so, because the Pharisees are so focused on, it's the Sabbath, Jesus, you just healed this man. Um, you are denying God, you're denying God's law. They're so focused on proving Jesus is wrong and following the rules that they completely miss a man that had been disabled for 20 plus years is now able to walk. And deep down it's because they feared their power being threatened. They knew that the Son of God was here, and that God was coming to say, everyone gets access to me. And it's through a relationship with my son, not by following your rules, Pharisees. They had added so many rules to the scriptures. And so Jesus, he's so he's so good. He says something to them like, if I don't know if this is to them or to a different group of Pharisees, but he says that if you had a child or an animal that fell and needed help on a Sabbath day, would you wait till Monday to come and fix them and help them up? No. And so Jesus, he walks away when the Pharisees, they technically could have arrested him or held a trial for him breaking the rules, breaking the Torah. But Jesus walks away and he goes, Nope, you're not gonna arrest me today, first of all. And second of all, I'm not following your rules. I follow my father's rules. He's so good. And so, why did Jesus do this? Or how did he do this? Because he was rooted in his purpose. He was not rooted in coming to please the Pharisees, to stay safe, to make sure he didn't get imprisoned, to make sure that he was respecting the people who were in these authority positions. No, he came to do his father's will, and that's also our purpose. And I think back to the times that I stopped people pleasing the most and became so rooted in just speaking my truth and being my 100% self, it is when I started the feminine glow. Why did this happen? It's because this is the first business that I knew was connected to my purpose, helping empower women. It was the first time in my life where when I was out in an environment that I didn't like, I said, this is not for me, I'm going home. When my family is saying, Let's keep watching Netflix episodes. Guys, I love you. This one was fun. I'm gonna go upstairs and do some work on my computer. It's the first time where my door is closed in my bedroom, I'm working on my business, someone is knocking, and I said, I'll be back in an hour. The door is closed because I'm working on my business and I need to honor this. Before, I would have never spoken up to family or friends like this. I would have never said, guys, I'm not gonna drink. I need my head clear because I'm hosting a retreat. I became so rooted in my purpose that setting boundaries became a no-brainer. I became so rooted in my purpose that pleasing others felt icky. I thought, no, I've got a community to serve. I don't have time to please. Until you know your purpose, pleasing will always be a temptation. So how do you stop people pleasing? You work backwards and you find your purpose instead of trying to stop people pleasing. You can stop all you want, or you can take the easy route and go, I know my purpose. Pleasing is not something I'm available for. And a key here is your purpose is always going to be bigger than yourself, it's always going to be rooted in service. As Galatians 1.10 reads, that we read earlier. Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but if but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant. Your purpose is connected to serving Christ. And I love when Paul is writing this, he's not trying to win the approval of people. Because then that would make him a servant to people, it would make him a slave to people, which would mean people are his master and God is not. And that's a scary place to be. When it comes to things like healthy eating, so these are just some examples about when you're rooted in your purpose, you stop people pleasing. For me, when my skin was really breaking out, this was when I was late teens, early 20s, I became so firm with my eating boundaries. I'm not eating fried food, I'm not eating sugar, I'm not eating processed foods. I am so passionate about clearing my skin and healing my gut. Now, when people would make comments to me, like there were times I literally brought my own food to hang out with people because I'm not eating the McDonald's or in and out that they're getting. I stopped caring about the comments. Oh, Alexis is on her healthy eating grind, like dangling fries in front of me. I'm not, I'm not swayed by that anymore because I care more about having clear skin than about you thinking that I'm weird. And that is how easy it is to break people pleasing. Care about something else more than you care about other people's opinions. I always tell my girls this on YouTube I say, if you are waiting around for a man to text you, your life is not busy enough. This is kind of the similar thing. You must have your purpose that fills your life, fills your soul so much that things that make you anxious or stressed or into a lower version of yourself, those don't even tempt you because you literally don't have time for it. You're so focused on other things, building God's kingdom and doing the purpose that He has for you. Another example. Let's say, okay, so this is one for my own life too. When I decided I am only available for healthy relationships, I watched my parents get divorced. I grew up in that broken household. I am not available for a partner who's going to do the same for my kids. When that became my purpose, my boundary became if I'm disrespected by a man, he's gone. If uh if someone does not like my standards or tries to get me to change my standards, he's also gone. Anytime I feel that I am spoken to in a way that I don't like, I will be saying something. I will be checking that conversation and speaking up. The old version of me could not do these things because she was so scared to lose partners. She was so scared of getting abandoned. But I took that fear of getting abandoned, I took my desire to have a healthy, strong family, and I placed the healthy, strong family over my fear of getting abandoned. I have a deeper fear, which is to repeat that generational trauma. I'm not available for it. Even things like speaking standards, I used to be so scared telling men I'm saving myself for marriage. And when I would tell them in the past, what I would do is I would wait till multiple dates in, or I would, I would just like gently bring it up. Now I'm very clear. And I had talked about this about a year ago, how when I started just saying it so clearly, I started attracting way different men, and the way that they respected it was completely different. I remember about a year and a half ago, I met my first, I went out on a date where I met the first guy that told me before I even told him that he wanted to wait till marriage. I was like, what? It was beautiful to see, and the only way that that man even came into my life is because I was not available to be shaky or scared with my standards. So you invite certain people into your life when you're very clear about your standards. Your eyes, your energy, your body language, they will all speak for you. I also started meeting men who would say, Yep, we knew that you were saving yourself before you even told me. And I said, How did you know? They said, It's just the way you carry yourself. I'm not afraid to lose a man because he can't be sexually disciplined. I'm happy to lose a man that cannot. Because that to me is the best thing I will ever do for my kids, to give them a disciplined father. And it's the best thing I'll ever do for my feminine energy to be with a man who is disciplined, who is respectful, who honors God's daughters, and who honors his own body. I saw a post the other day and I thought, you know what? She's absolutely right. She said, as a Christian, dating other Christians, why do we even have to bring up the topic of saving yourself for marriage? Shouldn't this just already be understood? Shouldn't this just already be a value that we know we're both sharing? And I completely agree. Of course, there are times where you may be feeling like, I don't know if this is going to be my standard. Maybe we'll do a whole episode about that. But even if you are saying I'm saving myself for a relationship, men can wait. They will wait. And the right one for you will love to wait. You will be so happy that you are waiting. So never be shaky with your standards because you are afraid to lose someone. What you would lose on the flip side of that is so much worse. You would lose so much sacredness that God has said, I want you to have this. You would lose the benefit of knowing that a man will wait for you, having that extra layer of security and trust. And when you can honor your body in that way, yeah, maybe it takes a little bit longer to meet someone, but you'll be so glad when you are having that healthy long-term relationship rather than multiple failed, short-lived relationships. So have your purpose with your relationships, with how you nourish your body, how you nourish your mind, how you handle your business. Have that so clear so that people pleasing is not even an option. And another tip here is you must be fully convicted with your purpose and live as if it's already done, because it is. So, for example, um when I was first starting my business, I of course my business did not explode overnight, but I knew that one day it would explode. I just I felt it in my body. And so when I was out with friends and it was maybe past nine or 10 p.m., I would tell my friends, I love seeing you. I've got to go home now. Because I respected my schedule to get up early, take care of my mind, move my body, read my books, and then go and work on my business. Even before my business was thriving, I treated it as if it was a thriving business that I needed to show up appropriately for. And also in Psalm 139, we keep going back to the scripture. It says in Psalm 39, every page of our life is already written in God's book. And so those desires that you see, it is because God has already written them. And that's the thing with time. I tried to go into this a little bit on one of our recent QAs here about quantum physics and time, and God's time is so different from our time as humans. Our time and our perception of time as humans is so limited. Things that have already happened. You know what? This is just gonna have to be a whole other episode because I'm gonna get way too passionate about this. We say things have happened in the future, but could it be possible that the future is not really the future, it's just another timeline existing at a different dimension. I'm just gonna plant that seed. When God tells us things like your every day of your life is already written in my book, that means your future. Has already happened. It's already sealed. And so that is why it's so important to live as if what you desire is already done and to make sure that your desires align with God's desires and his will. Okay. So be rooted in service and know your purpose. That's number two. Number three, we've got two more, these ones are a little bit shorter. Number three, take vertical notes, not horizontal notes. What I mean by this is focus on or be heaven-focused, not human-focused. One of my second favorite verses of the day, it says, soldiers don't get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. I love that one. This is 2 Timothy 2.4. It's one of the ones that I had memorized when I needed to break out of some more people pleasing. And when we take a look at this, soldiers don't get caught up in the affairs of civilians. So if you are a soldier for God, let's say that he has made you part of his army, which he has, if you are a soldier for God and you are supposed to be training every day, you're supposed to be on the battleground, and you're instead going into random neighborhoods, random cookouts where the civilians live, and you're taking notes from them. Oh, you guys think my outfit is weird? I'm wearing too much armor, I'm reading the Bible too much. Okay, I'll take off my belt of truth. Oh, you guys think that I am um that I'm weird or lame for not wanting to drink, not wanting to smoke, not wanting to engage in these activities. Okay, let me make a note of this. Can you imagine if our military did this? Would you feel very safe in your country? Probably not. Soldiers don't go around taking notes from civilians because civilians are not the ones who enlisted them. God is the one who enlisted you as a soldier. He is the only one that you should be taking notes from. Heavenly notes, not human notes. So cut out note taking from others. And what does this mean? It means when you get an opinion from another person or you are trying to be liked or trying to fit in by someone else, close that gap between when you recognize it and when you stop doing it. So, for example, when I talked about that YouTube comment, I felt, oh no, is this a weird name? Should I change it? Um, that woman had said, come on, Alexis has a marketing degree. She should have better names than this. Okay, uh, that doesn't feel so good to hear. And the next part would be me being impacted, me wanting to run, me wanting to explain, me wanting to hide. I close that gap between when I hear the comment to when and how deeply I absorb it. I'm not available to absorb it because I'm not here to take notes from civilians. That is how you live your life to break people pleasing. If it is not a note from God, double check if you should take it. Of course, getting correction from people who have wisdom, people who are older, people who are in positions that we desire to be in, who are truly led by God, that is wonderful to take notes and advice from. If that person is from your horizontal experience, meaning people around you, not from your heavenly relationship with God, cut out the absorbing of their opinions. And I think about to I heard a story about a waitress who was talking about a customer that she had who was just to me, it sounded like this customer may have been a narcissist. And I know that that word is thrown around a lot, but I grew up experiencing this, and so it's super, super real for me. She had said that this guy came in with a family and he was making all these demands to her, and he would do things like uh be really, really nice and then really, really cold every time she would come back. And so he would say things like, Um, what's on the menu today? Okay, tell me more. I don't like this. What else is there? Very, very short and rude with her. Then he she would come back and he would say, Oh, thank you so much for the water. And when he kept doing this, she noticed, Okay, you are trying to get me to fawn. Fawning is simply when you almost like bow down, and even when I'm thinking about this, oh, I cannot believe how much I used to do this. Bowing down almost to a human and going, Okay, how can I make things right with you? How can I make you feel okay? It's a trauma response. I so get it. But she goes, I pulled the gray rock method on him, and he started being respectful. He learned his place. And I thought, oh, I love her. So the gray rock method, it's something that we had learned in psychology. It's where you neutralize your emotions. And so, what she had started doing was she took out all emotions when she was engaging with this man and just being very direct with him. Sure, you want that diet coke? All right, I'll get it. Uh, yes, that that's the special for today. She was just very monotone with him. And so I think this is another great tool, is when you are dealing with people who trigger you so deeply to want to please them. Because I get it. Some people are unfortunately extremely manipulative. Be neutral and remember how Jesus was. Jesus never fawned, not once. He never went into explaining himself, he never bowed down to humans once. He stayed solid as a rock, and that is why he is called the rock. And I love it because even in psychology, this gray rock method, think of it as Jesus is my rock. Let me just go back to being like him. So, number three, take vertical notes, not horizontal. And number four is this one is very surprising. I came up with it super, super last minute, but I thought, oh, this is definitely needed because it was a big part of my journey. Number four on how to stop people pleasing is to release pride. Why am I saying this one? It's because pride and reputation are connected. And a big reason why we people please, especially my content creator and business girlies, it is to make sure that our reputation is solid. And one day God convicted me, this is pride. You're so focused on making sure that your reputation is good. That's not what I asked you to do. How about you trust me with your reputation and you keep doing what I've called you to do? Let go of trying to have a great image online. Who cares if there are negative comments here? Just let them go. This is what I mean when I say I look at old journal prompts. I used to block every single negative comment that I saw. Now I'm at the point where I see a negative comment, I'm like, eh, and I just leave it there. It's not that I'm lazy to delete it, it's that I truly don't care that it is there. They're allowed to have their opinion. And that sentence alone has really helped free me, too. So people are allowed to have their opinions, and one person's negative comment does not get power over my life or my emotions. Of course, if there's something inappropriate, block. But most negative comments, I'm like, yeah, they can leave that, I don't care. Never did I think that I would be at this point. And if this is you, if you are a content creator and you're not here yet, please watch my or please listen to my episode Spiritual Warfare, How to Win the Battle for Your Soul. Because I talk about deeper how I overcame this attack on my mind from negative comments. If you're gonna be a creator or a business owner, you will unfortunately get horizontal feedback. And I promise you the rewards will be worth all that feedback that you're getting. But you also have to protect your mind because it can hurt. So with pride, how did I release pride? I asked God to help me. God, show me where I'm prideful and help me release it. Bless you guys. So one of the things is when I was driving, God said, be patient. Because when you're not, you're prideful. And I thought, but what does patience have to do with pride? Then I started to realize when I'm driving in the left lane fast and I'm wanting everyone else to move. That's pride because it's saying me first. Oh, you guys don't matter as much as my next appointment. The way that I drive has changed so much. I'm not a Mario Kart driver anymore because I've been checked with my pride. And another thing here is um losing the attachment to be seen. You know how, okay, I used hopefully you don't know this, but I used to do this and I'm I'm ashamed to say it, but I'm I'm not shameful, I'm just ashamed to say it. There used to be times where I would have things like a certain logo on a bag or on a car or clothes, and I used to want this logo to be seen so bad. And I remember thinking, oh, I don't like this side of myself. Why do I feel that this gives me a boost of my confidence? What would happen if this item was taken away and this brand wasn't here to boost my confidence or ego? And so I started uh I started not caring if certain things were seen. I stopped trying to be seen, stopped trying to have my material item seen. And I asked God, please help me release this because this is not, this is not good. I know that this is from my ego. And he helped me. There were just simple moments where he said, let it go. Don't try to have this shown, just live your life normally. That has changed me so much, and it has also broken my attachment to materialism so much. I still love certain things, of course, but my desire to have those things are 100% rooted in because I love that fashionable item, or I love that style, or I love it because it makes me happy. There's zero attachment to this is gonna make me liked or accepted or boost my confidence or social status. My appetite has completely changed for those things. And the best, best, best impact of that ever is that it's made me stop performing. Like a hundred percent. I I never thought that this would even be possible, and I think that's why I feel so happy and grounded more than I ever have in my life. There's no desire to perform, there's no desire to go into pleasing. I feel like I'm just living my life on my Sims, like one of those games, and just doing whatever I want and asking God, what should my desire and my actions be? And it's so much more enjoyable than having your game played by someone else. So no more performing. That breaks pride. A great, great thing that I do to help here is I tell my business students this too is film your videos in one take. This podcast, for example, filming it in one take. When I first started, honestly, I would cut and splice and have to do like repeats and things. But as I got more comfortable, I thought, all right, I'm just gonna do this in one take. Because first of all, it's so annoying to have to go back and edit. And second of all, I don't have to be perfect. I'm allowed to stutter or mess up or need to take pauses. And it just makes my voice free. How I speak, it's so free. There's no filtering, there's no editing. And when you stop filtering and editing your content, you stop filtering and editing your life. You lose all attachment to it. How you show up is purely because it makes you happy. And so, more than anything, I want this for you. So, to recap these four points, how to stop people pleasing. Number one, become rooted in your identity. Number two, become rooted in your purpose. Number three, take vertical notes, not horizontal. And number four, release pride. This is how you stop people pleasing. And I want to say this to you because it's so important. If you fall back into a habit of people pleasing, does not mean that all of your hard work or inner work is really erased. No. Your brain is simply familiar with a program that you have run with for your entire life. It is so normal to fall back into habits. Just pick back up. I love dividing the day into three parts morning, afternoon, and evening. So if I mess up in the morning, all right, I've still got two-thirds of the day to show up how I want to. And please watch the chosen if you have time, because there's so much that you learn about Jesus. You'll learn about your identity, his identity. And you just see how even when the disciples that have been walking with him for so long, when they mess up, it does something to you to say, oh my gosh, I don't have to be perfect. It's so normal to fall. God tells us, you will fall. My my children will fall. You will fall seven times, but you will get up seven times. You will not stay down. So don't beat yourself up if you fall into people pleasing. Be aware. That's the hardest part, that's the most difficult part. Once you do that, go, I'm gonna change next time. Here's what I would do different. And you come back to these four points. Do you memorize scripture? You become so rooted in who you are and who God is, that any urge to please, you will say, wait a second, that's not my master. And sorry to spoil the ending, but God is already pleased with you. He says that we are saved by grace. We are not saved by our purity, we're not saved by our perfect righteousness, we're not saved by being sinless, because none of us are, let's be honest. We are saved through grace, by our faith. And there's a prayer that I will often pray on this podcast with you. If you have been wanting to accept Jesus into your life, it is the most simple prayer. And I'm gonna say it with you if you're ready now. If not, you can save it and come back to this to this episode. I also want to tell my girls who are thinking, okay, I already prayed this, but am I really saved? Yes, you're really saved. I have struggled with OCD-libs, and God made it very clear to me that this is one of them. I used to always think, Am I really saved? Am I really saved? Because how could it be this easy? That's the God that we serve, is He has made it this easy. It says in Romans 10 9, if you confess with your mouth and you believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved. So the prayer is, Jesus, thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me your life for my sake. Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God. I believe you died for my sins and rose again. I ask you to forgive me. Come into my life, be my Lord and Savior. I surrender and give you my life. Help me to walk with you from this day forward. Amen. Jesus tells us that all of heaven rejoices when one lost sheep is saved. More than 99 sheep who are walking righteously already. Heaven is celebrating you. I am celebrating you. Gus is celebrating you. He's standing up next to me right now. And I'm so happy for you. It is such a beautiful, the most life-changing decision that you'll ever make. And every day you get to just wake up and say, Holy Spirit, lead my life. Jesus, show yourself to me. I want to walk with you. I want to know you. Please reveal yourself to me. You can never not experience Jesus when you run to him. He will always reveal himself to you. He's always with you. And I love being with you today. Thank you for sharing your time and your energy with me. I cannot wait to see you on the next episode. I'm always praying for you, ladies, and I hope that you have a beautiful and a blessed week.