Relief From Hyper-Independence

How to let go of needing to do, be, and manage it all.

In this episode we discuss how to find healing from control, and how to allow vulnerability and spontaneity to come back again. 

We will be diving into a story in the Bible where Jesus gives his take on hyper-independence. Spoiler, He says to let it go.

Eldest daughters, this one is for you especially...

A powerful song that goes perfectly with this episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOP4s8fOEm0

Have a beautiful and blessed week!

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, hello, my beautiful ladies. How many oldest daughters do I have here right now? Oldest daughters have entered the chat when you saw the title of this. We're talking about hyperindependence today. Welcome in, ladies. I am so happy that you're here. And if this is your first episode, welcome. I'm Alexis. I'm a feminine energy coach, and this is the space where we talk all things femininity and Jesus. Whether you're a believer or not, you're so welcome here. And I wanted to set up this podcast, which is almost one year old. Can you believe it? To talk about the two areas of my life that are the most important. And ultimately to become the woman of God that God created you to be. One way to do that is to heal out of hyperindependence. So I'm titling this episode Relief from Hyperindependence. Because that word relief, that's what we're all secretly looking for if you struggle with this. And even if you don't struggle with this, this episode may help you in little ways that you may not have known. You are dependent on yourself when there's someone else so much more dependable that could make your life better. And to help the people around you, especially the women around you, who are stuck in this mode of being so hyper-independent, and you can help heal them. So let's get straight into this episode and welcome back, ladies who have been here for a while. Where did this idea come from? Okay, two places. Number one, there was a request for this, a very specific request. So, my girl, I am so happy to make this for you. This episode is just for you who requested it. And this is also something that I needed to hear years ago because I am type A, have been very hyper-independent in the past. And then when I started studying feminine energy, I thought, oh, this can't exist if I want to be fully connected to my body. So I had to do some inner work around it. And I wish that I knew to read scripture for the inner work because that would have, that would have quantum leaped that hyperindependence right out of me. And this morning I'm on Instagram and I see my assistant's story. She posted the funniest, she had shared this real to her story. And the caption was when you're a type A daughter, but you still have to get that to-do list item added mid-crash out. And the video was of this person sprawled out across the stairs as if they've fallen down the stairs, and they're crashing out, they're like shaking, they're just exhausted, and then they pick their head up real quick, and the video goes to their phone and it's their grocery list, and they add olive oil and get right back to the crash out. And I thought, we need to heal. This is not okay. So if this video just described you, uh I hope that you walk away with relief from hyperindependence because that's actually the root of why those crash-outs happen and that anxiety to always be running on this to-do list. So, what is hyperindependence and why is it bad? The way that I would define hyperindependence is that it's a way of being so in control that nobody or nothing can impact your emotional state. And this is actually very ironic because the last sentence that I'll probably say on this episode is I'm going to tell you the sign that you'll see in yourself when you know that you've healed hyperindependence. So just remember that definition because they're very similar, but the root is different. So hyperindependence, it's when you seek control so much that nothing in your environment can impact your emotional state. It's not from a place of being peaceful and grounded, it's from a place of control. If you can control everything, then you stay safe. That's hyperindependence. Why is it bad? It's because we're not made to be independent. Just look at Adam and Eve. God literally created Eve from the rib of Adam. We are meant to be connected as humans all throughout the Bible. God emphasizes us to have fellowship. Fellowship is staying connected to other believers, staying connected to our family, to our friends, to our homes. I think it's so interesting whenever I read the Old Testament and even just this morning in the book of Judges, I see how hospitable the Israelites were when a fellow Israelite from another tribe would come and be wandering through the desert and they'd find a home of another Israelite. That Israelite with the home would just let that person in. They would feed them, they would bathe them, not actually bathe them, but they would give them a space to take a bath, give them a bed to sleep in at night. And I think, wow, we have lost that art of hospitality. And it's because we're all so hyper-independent that the thought of aiding a neighbor, that the thought of inviting someone into your home, it's weird. And I'm so guilty of this too. I'm one of those people, I'm like, okay, I don't want everyone to come into my home. I want my close, close friends that I know and trust to come into my home. That's a whole other story. But that control is not what God designed our homes for. And so we have every single morning. I just heard this on a podcast that I listen to. Every single morning we wake up with this God-sized hole that only he can fill, yet we run to the world and look for the world to fill it. And so we scroll on social media, we eat food, we do our workouts, we seek dopamine and relief, and all these things. We're trying to fill this need. It's like that saying that we are homesick for heaven. The reason why we'll we will never fully feel at home anywhere on this planet is because this is not our eternal home. There's always this craving to be home, but it cannot be felt on earth. You will feel at home when you experience a deep relationship with Jesus. However, there's this yearning that there's going to be something that is still to come. Same thing with that hole that we wake up in, or that we wake up with. We have a God-sized hole that only He can fill. And the problem is when we are hyper-independent, we're doing things trying to fill this hole, but not knowing it. And underneath there's an anxiety because the hole is not getting filled. And so we need to do more, we need to be more, we need to achieve more in order to try to fill that hole. Why do we become hyper-independent? One, it can be because we were forced to stay safe. So, for example, let's say that you had a parent who was really emotionally unstable. If you could, if your body could figure out how to be independent, how to just get your school work done, how to come home and self-soothe, how to entertain yourself, because you couldn't rely on your parent to always feel safe around. You created safety independently. And as a child, that is not how we are designed to be. And unfortunately, this is a lot of the cases. This is definitely my case. I became so independent because I thought I don't feel safe at home. And so let me create my own routine so that I do feel safe. It's a coping mechanism. Another example, let's say that you were ever excluded in a friendship or you were ever bullied at school, or you just felt like an outcast. If you had that fear of who am I going to sit with at lunch today, your body learned to become so independent so that no social situation could threaten your survival because our brain is wired to be included in tribes. And we think, because of epigenetics and years of programming, that if we are quote unquote kicked out of a tribe, we will be left naked, afraid, in the middle of the forest with no protection and no resources. And it's really traumatic when this happens, especially as a kid. And so if you didn't have friends or a tribe that you could trust and fit into, you likely learned how to become hyper-independent. Perfect example of this: a breakup. What happens after you go through a breakup? Typically, you don't want to date again for a long time. It's your body's way of trying to stay safe, but also trying to prevent pain. That traumatic experience caused your body so much stress that it will do everything it can to avoid it. And so it learns to become independent, even though we're wired for love, even though we are wired for belonging and for connection. And we develop this mentality: I don't need a man, I don't need a partner, I don't need love, I'm just gonna put my head down and grind. And although there are seasons for that, getting stuck in this mode because of a traumatic response, that's different. That's rooted in hyper-independence. And don't worry, I'm throwing all of this out there. I promise we're going to talk about relief from this and how to heal. I work with a lot of women who have recently gone through breakups and divorces, and they are always super, super independent. And that's the first thing that we work with when it comes to their feminine energy. Because you cannot receive, you cannot create, you cannot relax if your body is wired. I have to take care of myself because I cannot depend on anyone else. Especially after a divorce, when you enter into that legal covenant, and if there is anyone that is divorced that is listening to this, I really feel for you. And it is so possible to free yourself from the hyperindependence again. You almost have to step up into both the role of mother and father sometimes, breadwinner and the one who's taking care of your kids. And it can feel like you're forced to be hyper-independent. And we'll talk about some ways that even when it feels like everything has to get done and you need to be the one to do it, what do you do when that is the case? And another reason, this is the last one that we'll talk about, why you become hyper-independent is because we lose hope in people. And when people have disappointed us or let us down again and again, and we stop counting on people, we start only counting on ourselves. You believe I can only rely on myself. And to avoid disappointment, you enter into hyperindependence. And it says this somewhere here in scripture. I don't know the exact verse, but it talks about how uh hope deferred makes the heart sick. When our hope keeps getting crushed again and again, it makes our heart sick. And so, how do we cope? We protect our heart by putting this rock solid wall around it. No one can get in. And the bad news is when we have this rock solid wall up and no one can get in, no love, no help, no support, no healing from anyone else, not even God, can enter through that wall. So the wall must come down. With that wall coming down, maybe you're thinking, so should I not be independent? No. Independence is good, hyperindependence is bad. Hyperindependence is the extreme side of independence. Just like with anything, there are extremes. And why hyperindependence is problematic is because your nervous system is not at rest. When you are constantly functioning in this, I must rely on myself, I have this wall around my heart, uh, I can't trust anyone, I just need to put my head down and get it done. Your nervous system's not at rest. And the bad news here is that when your nervous system is not at rest, your body is in a fight or flight state, you cannot have peace. And peace is a is a fruit and a gift of the spirit. Before Jesus dies, he tells his disciples, I'm leaving you with a gift, a gift of peace of mind and heart. And the peace that I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid. I always think it's so funny when when God commands us, don't be troubled or afraid. There's another verse, I believe this is John 14, 1. It says, Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and also trust in me. That's Jesus speaking. Don't let your hearts be troubled. So, God, you're telling us we should not let ourselves worry. We should not let ourselves get frustrated or um disappointed. That's exactly what he's telling us. Just like he commands us, do not fear 365 times throughout the Bible. Anything that steals this gift of peace, it steals your gift directly from God. And not only does it steal this gift to feel relaxed and to feel happy in life, but it also steals your purpose. Because when you don't feel peace, you can't follow your purpose. I was talking about this in a recent episode where in 2024, when my mind felt that it was always so attacked by anxiety, I had no peace. I could not sit down and make my best content on YouTube. I definitely could not even think about creating a podcast like this. And that's what the enemy loves. He loves when he can steal your purpose. So you must protect and accept the gift that God has given you of peace, all the fruits of the spirit. How do you protect that gift? You simply just accept it. So if anxiety comes up, you say, This is not from God. The Holy Spirit gives me peace because the Holy Spirit lives inside of me. I accept that. You capture and surrender the thought. And also, when you are hyper-independent, why is it a problem? So we talked about your nervous system's not at rest, that steals your peace, and that steals God's purpose for you. Well, also your feminine energy is blocked. And God designed us as a woman very, very specifically. He designed every single step of our cycle so specifically. I think about this too, how God designed us. Like I posted this TikTok where I said, God gave us a luteal phase to cry out all the emotions that we didn't cry out from the past month. He's so intentional. He gave us our ovulatory phase to access more creativity and more enthusiasm. He designed us so intentionally as women. And so when our feminine energy is blocked, it it disrupts God's design for us. It disrupts our purpose, it disrupts the beauty of being a woman. There's so much beauty of being a woman. And also, it destroys the family unit. We see this happening in the world right now where there's so many men who are not in their healthy masculine energy. And how does it come across? They act feminine. And on the flip side, when I was not in my feminine energy, I acted masculine because I was so hyper-independent. I needed to take care of everything. I cannot let anyone, especially a man, take care of anything for me. And so these roles flip. And what happens when the roles flip? The family unit is disrupted. And I'm not going to get too into this. This will have to be another episode, but the family unit is under attack by the enemy almost more than anything in today's world. The enemy confuses our identity. He confuses what a healthy relationship is meant to look like. And when we are not in our feminine energy because we're in this mode of hyperindependence, it causes chaos in our marriage, it causes chaos to our children, and it causes chaos in our home. One of the biggest areas that the enemy attacks is a kingdom marriage. And a family that is healthy and rooted in God's purpose. So you healing your hyperindependence is also you protecting your family and honoring your marriage, honoring your kids, even if you don't have kids or a husband yet. A lie that the enemy says is you have to be hyper-independent to be safe. But the truth is you are safe being dependent on God, and you're safe being dependent on others. Anything that is outside of God that brings you security will eventually fail you. So that lie that the enemy says of you must be hyper-independent to be safe. You are making, when you're hyper-independent, you are making yourself the source for your safety. And anything outside of God that becomes your source for safety will fail you. Jeremiah 17, 5, it says, Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. Putting our trust in mere humans also includes putting our trust in ourself. Yikes. And when we fear dependence on humans, because it's a very tricky line of do we depend on people or do we not depend on people? You don't depend on people for peace. You do depend on people for connection. You can't get connection outside of people as much as social media tries to make it seem like we can. So fearing dependence on humans. When we're so scared, I don't want anyone else to be responsible for my happiness, that's still putting trust in them. Because you believe that they control your emotional state. And so remember the lie that you have to be hyper-independent to be safe. Remember that's a lie. And the truth is it is safe to be dependent on God and safe to be dependent on others. Now, how do we know this for sure? The type A girls just took a sigh of relief. Yay, we're gonna get into some facts. So, what does Jesus say about hyperindependence? We've read this story before, we're gonna read it again. It's a super short story with so much wisdom in it, so powerful. And I love it because it involves sisters, it involves Jesus speaking with women, and it involves a very hyper-independent type A, pretty sure she's the oldest daughter, woman. So this is in Luke 10, verse 38. Jesus visits Mary and Martha, or Martha and Mary. As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister Mary sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me. But the Lord said to her, My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. There's only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it and it will not be taken away from her. Who's triggered hearing that? Because I know I was when I first read this. I was like, Jesus, why didn't you have her back? She's probably breaking her back there in the kitchen. And when I humbled myself and truly studied this story, I thought, wow, I needed to hear this. So what does Jesus say about hyper-independence? Two things. One, nothing matters more than intimacy with Jesus. Nothing. Not the dinner to be prepared, not the cleaning, not the to-do list. It's sitting at the feet of Jesus and soaking up his presence. That intimacy. To be that close to someone sitting at their feet represented such vulnerability and intimacy. And Jesus says that Mary has discovered the one thing worth being concerned about. I read that and I thought, well, if the dishes are still in the sink and the food is on them, it's gonna be harder to scrub them later. And Jesus says, there's only one thing to be concerned about, and it's not the dishes. So nothing matters more than true intimacy with Jesus. What else does Jesus say about hyperindependence? Perfection and performance must go. I love how Jesus speaks to Martha so gently. He says, My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. And one side note, I love the way that Jesus speaks to women because yesterday I was reading a verse in the Bible where there was a man that was asking Jesus to help heal him. And we Actually, talked about this in uh the recent episode on where is it? How to ask God for what you desire. And the man goes, Jesus, if you can help me, heal me. And Jesus goes, What do you mean, if I can? He's very direct with men. It's that harsh, tough love. It's how men hear him. But we don't really hear God through that tough, harsh love as women. It needs to be so gentle. And I love this. I love that Jesus responds to women so slowly and so gently. And so Jesus tells Martha, my dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. It's that perfectionism that fuels our hyperindependence. Why does this happen? Because if we are not perfect, we could let ourselves down. If we're not perfect, or if what we are creating or doing is not perfect, it could threaten our survival because our survival depends on ourself. Which means it depends on us being perfect. And that's a lie. And that performance, I love how Jesus is also saying, I don't need you to create a perfectly aesthetic home for me. I don't need the candles, I don't need the dishes to be clean, I don't even need the food to be prepared. I need your heart. I need your intimacy. So perfection and performance must go if you want to let hyper-independence go. When it comes to to-do lists, I'm all for to-do lists until it's all we can think about mid-crash out. And I realize that's a problem. So to-do lists, they are good, but they also can reinforce hyperindependence. Too much reliance on anything is not good. Because as Jesus said, or as God said, anything outside of God that you put your trust in, it will turn your heart away from the Lord. That was Jeremiah 17, 5. So to-do lists, they reinforce hyperindependence because it keeps you in this energy of more, it keeps you in this energy of I need to rush, and it keeps you in this energy of control. The key here to still be able to have a to-do list, but also be a healthy level of independent is to make your to-do list flexible, to adjust your life around or to adjust the to-do list around your life. There was a day I literally always have a to-do list, like I'm writing in my agenda. However, it changed for me one day because I realized I am always going to have a to-do list. I don't even remember what was on this to-do list. And isn't it crazy? We don't remember what's on the to-do list, but we do remember those moments where we could feel Jesus' presence, or we had a deep connection with a family or a friend member, and our heart and our life changed. But rarely do we remember the to-do list. I remember one time I had this huge to-do list of so much stuff that I did not want to do. You know, just those adult tasks like go and visit the doctor and fix this furniture and just all this stuff. And one day, my to-do list, it was done. And I I felt so much relief. I'm like, oh my gosh, everything's done. And then instantly I'm like, wait, there's one more thing that I need to add. And I realized I'm always going to have a to-do list. There's no moment in life where it's finally done. What you're looking for with a to-do list is relief. You cannot find relief in a to-do list. It's like the water at the well. You will always be thirsty drinking from your to-do list. The only place that I found relief is spending time in the presence of Jesus. It's letting him heal me. And we'll talk about what that actually looks like because there's certain things I talked about in my episode, routines and habits that re-spark your fire in your faith. I'm trying to remember what the episode was called. It's something like how to get the fire back for your faith. And I talked about how there's certain habits that I have that have made me feel so much closer to God, such as fasting and praying, such as reading the Bible for 20 or 30 minutes every single morning, memorizing scripture, just so many things that before I wasn't doing, and I was so independent on myself and my routines, and I switched my routines to fill more of my to-do list with I want to spend time with Jesus. And the relief that came with that and still comes with that every single day for me, it is so, so healing. So we'll talk about that more in just a bit. Become independent of your independence. Or in other words, become free of your independence. Make your to-do list flexible around your life. Like if you have stuff to do, but there's a friend that comes and knocks at your door, be flexible. Like be independent from that independence, from that hyper-independence. An example of this, my neighbor down the hall from me, her and her husband now, they just got married in Lebanon. And so they had their wedding, they came back, and I put together this gift for them. And I thought to myself, okay, this was a Friday night. I had also just taken an everything shower, my hair was wet, and I was like, should I just drop this gift off on their doorstep or should I message her and tell her that I have a gift for her? Because I so badly wanted to just switch into comfy clothes, turn on Netflix, get my night started. But there was a nudge in me that said, no, no independence in this situation. And so I messaged her, hey, are you home? I have something that I'd love to bring by for you and her husband's name. And she immediately messaged me back. She's like, Yeah, Alexis, come on over. And so I come over and I bring the gift. And honestly, inside, I'm like, please don't invite me in. Please don't invite me in. And then she's like, come on in, I'll make a tea for you, and we can sit and chat. And in that moment, immediately I'm like, all right, I would love to. If this happened to me two years ago, first of all, I wouldn't have even messaged her if she's home. I would have just left the gift. Hey, I left something for you. Fast forward or rewind one year ago, I probably would have brought the gift to her and said, Yeah, I have to go, like I have food on the stove or something, and then left. This version of me, this Friday night, I sat on the couch with her, looked at wedding photos with her, enjoy just laughing and conversations. My hair's still wet because I still need to go and style it and blow dry it. But I felt so much relief that being hyper-independent by just leaving the gift on her doorstep, that would not have brought me relief. It would have brought me temporary relief, but there would have been a hole that was still missing after that. Because we're not designed for relief without connection with God and with people. And her and I connected so much. And it was only 15 minutes. I come back to my place and I'm like, why am I still hesitant to do those things? Every time I do do those things, though, I break the hyperindependence because it is programmed in our brains. And that is simply how you heal it. It's small moments of let me put the dishes down, let me go and sit at Jesus' feet. I can feel him saying, Come to me, my daughter. Let me go and do the hard work of sitting and connecting with someone, even though I really don't want to. Let me answer this FaceTime call, even though I really don't want to. I used to dread FaceTime calls, and I hate to say that, but it's honest. When I would see someone FaceTime me, I'm like, oh, now my routine's gonna get pushed back one hour. And now I'm like, the to-do list can wait. Connecting cannot. Because when I did prioritize my to-do list over connecting, I felt so empty. And it's like delayed gratification. You won't feel good in the moment, always. Like I was talking to my grandpa on the phone, and I gave up an hour of work to talk to him. And I'm like, this is really hard to do because I know I'll just have to do that work later. It always ends up working out somehow. And in the long run, I feel better. So to-do lists, make sure that they are flexible and adjust them around your life. How hyperindependence hurts us. Hyperindependence, it's the enemy whispering to us, stay distracted and stay busy. Why? Because it keeps us from Jesus. When Martha is in the kitchen, the enemy, oh, he was so clever to know that Jesus is inside her home, to know that Jesus' time on earth was very limited and very short. Jesus is only alive for 33 years. He's he decided to spend an afternoon inside of Martha's home. And the enemy is whispering to her, distract yourself and stay busy. And he's still doing this to us because he knows his time is running short. He knows that the victory is already won, that Jesus has already saved us. He is coming back to save us again. And the enemy knows that this is happening. So what does he do? Keeps you busy, keeps you distracted to steal this time where you can be building your kingdom purpose, where you can be leading others to Jesus, and where you can be spending time with Jesus here on earth. Yes, we get to spend eternity with Jesus. However, I think how much greater would that eternity be if we begin a deep relationship with Him now? How much greater will the reward in heaven be if we spend our time in the kingdom rather than in the world? And so hyperindependence, it's the enemy whispering, stay distracted and stay busy to keep you from Jesus. That makes me mad. And I love anger because it fuels you to change. It's just like the villain era after a breakup. When you're angry, you change. And when you realize that there is someone walking on this earth, it says that the enemy is, that the enemy has power and that he rules over earth for now, and he's trying to steal you from Jesus. Get angry about that and drop the hyper-independence. Hyperindependence, how it hurts us, is it also robs us of that intimacy with Jesus. So because he was with Martha only a short time, Martha, when she was hyper-independent, she was in her head and she was not in her body, aka she's in the masculine, not in the feminine. And when we only stay in our head, this applies to both men and women, when we only stay in our head and we're never connected to our body, it mutes the volume of the Holy Spirit. Think about it this way. When you've had a really, if you're in a relationship or you've been in a relationship, if you've had a really, really rough day, you're very stressed, um, something didn't work out, maybe you got into a fight with a family member, and your partner comes to you and they try to kiss you and they try to be romantic with you, are you going to enjoy that? Probably not. If you kiss them back and you start feeling romantic with them, it's going your senses are going to be doled. The same thing happens with intimacy with Jesus. When we are so in our head and we're disconnected from our body and we haven't spent any time with the Holy Spirit that day. Well, when God tries to tell us something later through the voice of the Holy Spirit, our senses are doled and we can't hear him. That's why fasting, it is something that I cannot stop recommending enough because it is when you starve your flesh, you fill your spirit, and your senses become so activated again and you hear the Holy Spirit so strongly. That's why in the Bible, all throughout the Bible, Jesus says fast and pray. In the Old Testament, God says, fast and pray. When you need direction, when you're going through a challenge, when you need to hear his voice, fast and pray. When Esther became the queen and her cousin Mordecai comes to her and says, Haman, the assistant to the king, is going to kill all of the Jews. What is the first thing that she does? Fast and pray. Shut down the world, hear God's voice, increase the volume of God's voice and get direction and get intimacy. Wanting to feel intimate with God, but not spending time with the Holy Spirit is like being in a relationship where all your partner does is send you money and then expect you to fall in love with them and expect you to want to be intimate with them, expect you to open up and be vulnerable and trust them. Sometimes we throw routines at God, but we're not really in it. You must slow down, be dependent on God. What does it mean to be intimate with the Holy Spirit? It means when you're frustrated or you wake up and something is going wrong, you stop and say, God, can you help me? Holy Spirit, reveal to me what is causing this stress. Holy Spirit, take this anxiety. I know that you give me the gift of peace. I just need to spend some time with you. Reading the Bible, opening up to any page in the Bible is spending time with God. So hyperindependence, it robs us of intimacy with Jesus. In hyperindependence, this one I did not see until today when I'm putting together this episode. Hyperindependence robs us of breakthrough. Something very interesting about a detail from this story of Mary and Martha. At this time, women were not encouraged and also not allowed to listen to teachings from rabbis. The Jewish rabbis, they were very strict, and this is why Jesus had to come to break religion and to bring relationship with him. Because only men were allowed to sit and listen to the teachings of the rabbis. If you watch the series The Chosen, you'll see this. You'll see that the people who come and listen to the Jewish rabbis, it's all men, it's very polished. The people who come and listen to Jesus, they are everyone: men, women, children, sick, healthy, rich, poor, different cultures, Jews, non-Jews, it's everybody. And what Jesus does so specifically to visit the home of two women like this, knowing that Mary would come and sit at his feet, it was not normal for women to sit at the feet of a rabbi and listen to their teachings. And so Mary is going against the culture norms. Jesus is going against the culture norms. And it brings breakthrough for a whole entire gender. Because Jesus changes what was normal in the culture. He invites women to have intimacy and to have knowledge and to have closeness and experience with God, where they were cut off at a point before. However, the only way that this breakthrough happened is because Mary dropped the to-do list. She did not have any hyper-independence. She went and sat at Jesus' feet. And I love this that there's two sisters involved because Martha is showing that there were things that needed to get done. Mary is showing there's things that need to get done, yet you can still choose Jesus. And an example of this, the first time that I fasted and prayed and said, I'm not going to work while I do this, because I slowly learned how to fast and pray in a way that works amazing for me. We have an episode on fasting and praying, by the way. And I used to fast and pray, and I would watch TV, I would scroll on social media, and then I would just feel so low. Like I had just eaten so much junk food. And then I said, you know what? No more social media, no more fiction books, no more TV, no more secular music. When I fast and pray, it's only time with God. And then I realized, okay, all throughout the Bible, I'm seeing that when God tells his children fast and pray, he's usually telling them to do this on a Sabbath, which the Sabbath is a day for rest, no working at all. Like they couldn't even carry water. That's how strict it was. No working at all. And I thought, oh my gosh, how do I not work? I love my work. It gives me so much energy and excitement and probably dopamine. And I thought, let me strip this away because this is still giving me a boost. It's still giving my flesh a boost. And I'm trying to starve my flesh when I fast. And the first time I didn't work and I fasted and prayed, my spirit had never been more filled. The joy and the peace that I had those next couple weeks, they were on another level. That's when I started talking about it so much, even on YouTube. I'm like, if you want to change your life, fast and pray. It's the most amazing thing. Well, when I first did this, I was wondering, how am I going to take this time off of work? I can't afford to lose a weekday. I would always fast and pray on a weekday, like a Wednesday. And I asked, God, I don't know how to give up a whole workday. I need every single minute for my business to run smoothly. And then when God challenged me and said, No, you don't. Give me one day. I did. Yes, some things felt like they fell behind, but then my business sped up. Because when I came back after fasting and praying, those next few weeks, my energy, my creativity, my ideas were on a whole other level. It changed my content that I made. It changed the sales. It changed everything. And so where you think that your independence is or your hyperindependence is actually controlling your profit and your income and your success. I challenge you, give that hyperindependence up for one day. Become fully dependent on God for your bread, for your sustenance, for your energy while you fast and pray. And just watch and see what He does. It changed my business. So breakthrough comes when you sit at the feet of Jesus and you give up that I need to do this, I need to get this done, I need to perform, I need to be perfect. Four practices to break hyperindependence. Number one, where you normally soothe an emotion yourself, allow yourself to be dependent on someone else. So an example of this. Try calling a friend instead. When you would normally hold something in, let it come out. Have an emotional release with someone else. When you want to stay in, go out and spend time with a friend. Or just go out on a solo date and just see the strangers that you connect with. When I had a problem leave, not had a problem leaving my house, but I realized I massively prefer alone time rather than being with people, to the point that even people that I love, majority of the time I'm still choosing alone time over hanging out with them. That's when I realized this is a problem. And so I had to literally force myself to have one to three days a week where I would go out with friends. And I said to myself, you know what? For one month I can do this. Anytime a friend asks me to hang out, I'm gonna say yes. That was very, very new for me at this time. And I did it and it changed my life. And it's like a snowball. You know, when you start rolling a snowball at first, it's so hard to get started. But then when it's already big and even rolling it for a while, it's just easy to continue. That's how it is when you go out. And introverts, yes, I'm still talking to you. You still need connection. The more you do it, the easier it gets. When I went through a breakup and I was telling my mom, I was just holding it in and trying to heal myself. And my mom saw me one day coming down the stairs, and I just, she's like, Are you okay? And I just started sobbing. And let it all out. And she just held me, and it was so healing. If I didn't have that moment, I would have been behind in healing from that breakup. And so, practice number one, where you would normally soothe an emotion yourself, allow yourself to be dependent on someone else. This doesn't mean that you can't self-soothe, it means that you can self-soothe. That is equally important to know how to do, which is going to God and letting Him heal you, knowing how to regulate your emotions when you feel dysregulated. However, it's also equally valuable to be held and to be healed by other people. And most of the time it's going to be way more powerful than anything you can do on your own. Next practice: express vulnerability where you would normally hide it. A simple example. I felt that he took that as he had more power and he didn't use that power in a great way. And I felt like when he knew my emotions, I was vulnerable to his control. And he was very avoidant. I was very, very anxious. So that dynamic was very unhealthy. But the first time that I tried to do this with a healthy man, and I told him, I really love how consistent you are when we message and when we talk. I know that you're always going to be there. Whew, that was so hard for me to tell him. But I also realized, you know what? My dream relationship is going to be with a man where where I tell him these sorts of things, he's going to love it. If he runs or gets repelled by that, he's not my man. And I would love to find that out sooner rather than later. So I had told this guy, and his response, it was so beautiful and healing. And he had said, you know, I also feel this way about you. I feel so happy when I see your name on my phone. I feel so happy that we get to talk. And I appreciate the time that you put in in our relationship. And that was very healing. Third practice, ask for help. Ask for help from strangers. Ask from help, ask for help from people that you know. Make it normal to ask for help. We talked about this in the recent episode, How to Ask God for What You Desire. That episode is one of my favorite discussions that we have had in so long. If you haven't listened to that episode, please go listen to it. It's pretty recent to this one. So ask for help. All the time I'm asking God, God, can you help me? I feel low on energy. I feel tired. I feel stuck. Can you please help me? And every single time he does. I talked about this when I was uh talking about fasting and praying earlier, and how there's times where, like when I did my three-day fast, I said, God, can you help me with my energy? Because I am so tired. I need you to sustain me. And he did. Sometimes we are scared to ask because we don't believe God will answer. And that's exactly why I need to watch that episode. How to ask God for what you desire. Because he wants us to ask, but the world has trained us out of it. Last practice to break hyperindependence. Break your routine. The example that I set of this when I was gonna go drop this gift off at my neighbor's house. Friday night, I'm done with work. Usually I take that night for either a solo date for myself or I'll stay home, hang out with Gus. And that Friday night, it's so treasured for me. It's so refilling for me. When I broke my routine and went and sat with my neighbor in her apartment, that healed a part of me. So breaking your routine breaks your rules and breaks your programming. That being independent, being hyper-independent means that you're safe. You just have to break the programming again and again. Conclusion. Something that would be really great for you to journal about, or even just sit and think about after this episode. What am I afraid of if I allow myself to be dependent on people? What am I afraid of? Like I said, with after that relationship where I felt if I'm vulnerable, it's used against me. If I'm vulnerable, he pulls back, and then I feel I have to start chasing. And so that's what I feared. I feared feeling abandoned. And once I could see that, I realized, can I ever really be abandoned? No. I have been abandoned. God's still here. I'm still here. My close family and friends are still here. And so I can never truly be abandoned. You just need to see what is the fear so that your brain can rationalize it and say, what a silly fear. Or it can say, that sucks, that this fear was learned from this relationship or this experience. But does this mean that every other 8 billion human on this planet is going to give me that same experience? No. That doesn't even make logical sense. This may also help you with that point right there. I've never talked about this on YouTube, and I hope my sister is okay if I talk about this on YouTube or online. But my sister and I, we used to always do this thing growing up, and I'm sure someone else has done this before. But I would do something like, how do I even explain this? I would do something like a leprechaun heel tap and then a cartwheel and then uh dance, like do a handstand. I would do that within 10 seconds, like this crazy dance sequence. And then my sister would be standing next to me and I would say, no one else in the world just did exactly what I did. And she'd be like, All right, Alexis, this is the hundredth time you've told me this in our childhood. But I was just always amazed by the fact that there's 8 billion people on this planet, and no one else is saying the exact same sentence with the exact same accent, doing the exact same um dance. Like no one is doing, I mean, some people are maybe doing handstands at the same time, but the exact, like the exact sequence that you're doing is so unique. And my sister and I we have this joke, we would always do this now, like no one else is doing this exact same thing. And that's the same for human relationships. I am so sorry for whoever made you feel that you have to be hyper-independent in the past. Great news. No single other human being on the planet will repeat that exact same experience. It may come close. If you haven't done healing, you'll attract the very similar experience to try to heal it. It will never be the exact same. Which means you are free to be dependent on people. So, what am I afraid of if I allow myself to be dependent on people and on God? What am I afraid of being dependent on God for? Am I afraid that he won't show up for me? Am I afraid that he's gonna tell me something that I don't want to hear? Am I afraid that it's going to be like how a parent is with us, and he's gonna tell me, eat the healthy food, don't eat the junk, and I'm not gonna want to hear that. What am I afraid of being dependent on God for? And next conclusion point where can I rest this week where I would normally rush? So, where can you stop and talk to a neighbor where you would normally rush? Something so beautiful that this year has taught me is when you suffer in a shared community, you depend on people and it heals you. For example, when the war first started here in the United Arab Emirates, I was very scared. And I thought, if I didn't have my friends, what would I do? Like, we're praying for each other, we're saying, hey, come over to my house, spend the night if you feel scared, if you hear explosions or anything. Then when my neighborhood was hit, my entire neighborhood froze for like a week. We were a lot of people were sleeping in their cars, just so scared. And then something beautiful happened. It's like after a storm, what happens? The flowers grow. My neighborhood strengthened. Our group chat became so solid. There are like a thousand or two thousand people that live in my neighborhood. It's not a small neighborhood, but it's also very tight-knit. Only because of the war. We had to depend on each other. At 2 a.m. when we hear explosions, texting each other, hey guys, did you hear that? Yes, just saw the news. It was far away, it was not near us. Okay, we can all sleep in peace. Hey guys, there's some shattered glass outside in this area. Just be careful if you're walking your dogs. Thanks. Thank you. Our group chat was so full of community. And I I texted our group chat. I'm like, hey ladies, I'm gonna host a feminine energy reset in the grass at this day in time. Come and reset your nervous system with me after the explosion from this past week. And I met so many of my neighbors. We were so like you have to connect when you suffer because that guard comes down and you realize, oh, as hyper-independent as I thought I was, I'm not because I'm not in control. And there's beauty in suffering because you're that wall that we talked about earlier finally comes down and you let others in and you let God in. Use your suffering to connect and to heal that wall, especially with God. When you suffer, like the deepest points of my suffering, that is when I've grown the closest to God. That is why this podcast exists. Because I went through so much suffering about two years ago when my mind was under this attack. And I was like, God, I need you. I'm suffering so much. I have an episode called Spiritual Warfare: How to Win the Battle for Your Soul. That episode is what I did to overcome that spiritual warfare. And it's what made me feel like nothing else matters besides God. So, where can I rest this week? Where I would normally rush. And let your shared suffering deepen your bond with other people. So that sentence in the beginning that I said, this is gonna be ironic when you hear the last sentence that I will say. When I said the definition of hyperindependence, it's being so in control that nobody or nothing can impact your emotional state. Now, how do you know that you've healed hyperindependence? When nobody or nothing can steal your peace. When everybody and everything goes wrong, you still have peace. That is when you've healed out of hyperindependence. When the war was happening, yes, I was terrified and freaked out for a couple days to about a week. Then I did a three-day fast. It was my first time ever fasting for three days. After that, I felt such a sense of peace. I was crying. I was talking to my family and friends. I was like, guys, I'm so scared, I'm so anxious, I don't know what to do. My friends prayed with me, they spoke life into me, they spoke scripture over me. My friends back in the US. And one of my friends, for example, when I told her about this, she goes, Alexis, I was praying for you today, and I was talking with God, and he said to me, That's my daughter. And she was saying, God, I'm so scared for her. I want her to come back to the US. What can we do? And God told her, That's my daughter. And she told me that, and I started sobbing. I was like, I needed to hear that. God's got me. I'm letting the worry and the anxiety go. And so I started feeling peace during this war. And I would tell people that. Um, even for example, some of my neighbors that were sleeping in their cars and sleeping in the parking garage, they're like, How are you sleeping near your window? How are you still running your business? And I said, I have peace that makes no sense because it comes from the Lord. It does not come from me or from my environment. That's been the biggest change in my life in these last two years, is because I've been rooted in my identity in God. Because every single morning I read the Bible for 20, 30 minutes, spend time with God, I consume the word before the world. So now my roots are peace. My roots are not chaos from the world. So you can still have peace and joy and chaos. I'm not saying you won't feel suffering, you won't feel scared or upset. Yes, that will happen. Then there will be a supernatural period of peace and joy that should not make sense given your circumstance, to the world standards at least. And that's how you know that you've healed hyperindependence because you are fully dependent on God for your emotional well-being. I'm going to link a song called Firm Foundation. And this song is by Chandler Moore and Maverick City Music. This song is the most perfect song that goes with this episode. So the lyrics just soak them in, marinate in them. This song alone will help train your subconscious out of being hyper-independent. And it's just such a beautiful love song for the Lord. So I'll put the link in the description, but it's called Firm Foundation by Maverick City Music. So I hope that this episode has helped you and has just planted some seeds to help you heal. We are not designed, especially as women, to be hyper-independent. It is way too much. It's not very soft girl life at all. I am praying for you always. I love your requests. I love how we are always so in sync with these topics. It amazes me. The comments of Alexis, I needed to hear this. This is exactly what I'm going through. Thank you so much for your feedback. Always, always. I love you so much. I cannot wait for next week's episode. And I hope that you have a beautiful and a blessed week. And a week where you can be free from all hyperindependence. You can just rest and relax at the feet of Jesus. All right. Have a beautiful day, ladies, and I'll see you in the next one.