Finding Social Peer Groups for Childhood Abuse/Trauma Survivors

We're diving into something that can help change your healing journey—finding and building social peer groups as a survivor.

Transcript

New Platform And Why We’re Here

SPEAKER_02 0:17

My name is Alfonso, and I am your host for this evening's show. We are trying something new tonight. Hence the lateness of our start time. We're about 10 minutes behind, but I'm still gonna give you that hour show that you're expecting from us. A lot of information to give out to you tonight. And we are on a new platform. We had to switch platforms because we had a lot of technical difficulties with the last one. So we are trying a new format tonight, okay? So I want you guys to be aware that we're testing the waters once again as we continue to try to grow in our youthalism in this podcast endeavor. As you all know, I'm a trauma survivor, and I have had the pleasure, I will say, of actually talking and getting to know fellow trauma survivors. And the things that we've talked about, the things that are on this podcast, are things that are helping people. So I'm very much appreciative of all the love and support that is there, and everybody that wants to help out and and help this movement grow. I thank you all for showing and being a part of this. This is a passionate thing of mine. I want to be able to reach out to the entire globe to try to help people who are actually suffering from the effects of trauma, be it adults or people in their twenties and thirties. I will let somebody else handle the youth. I'm not in any regard a therapist or psychiatrist or a psychologist. I am a survivor myself. So definitely here to help anybody who is willing to find a way to bridge the gap from victim to finding a therapist that is trauma-informed that can help you go through your journey of reclaiming your empowerment, who you are supposed to be, who God meant you to be. Okay. So that being said, we shall start our show tonight, okay?

Why Peer Groups Matter

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Well, tonight we're diving into something that can help change your healing journey. Finding and building social peer groups as a survivor always this is such an important topic because isolation is one of the biggest challenges that we survivors face. Let's face it, we run from our abusers, we can't share our story because we fear what people will think about us, the situation, pointing fingers saying, Why didn't you do XYZ? The shame of it all, the guilt for being upset with yourself that you feel like I could have did this or I could have done that, why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? So you're regretting and you're blaming yourself and your own hardest and worst critic, and then you become hyper-vigilant, always looking for danger and everything, even your adult relationships, intimacy becomes a problem, social networking becomes a problem. Having and holding a job may become a problem, or it might be reversed. You might become the perfectionalist because you're trying to get away furthest away from somebody thinking about you and your colored past, so to speak. Whether you're thinking online or in person, we got you covered, okay? So let's start with the why. Peer groups aren't therapy, they're community. There are people who get it because they lived it. There's no judgment, no fixing, just understanding. And that's powerful. Because when you're in a room with other survivors, you realize you're not broken. You always thought that you were isolated by yourself. You made yourself isolated, rather, and you're by yourself, and no one else could understand the things that you've been through. But now you see other people who have also suffered, and you're not alone, which means it's not pinpointed just at you, you're not broken.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

You can heal their healing, and now you can come to a place to do the same.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

So peer groups provide validation to your feelings, to your emotions, they give you practical strategies, and most importantly, connection, because that's what we're desperately needing as a survivor, right? Connection because we've been broken off from society, we're not broken ourselves, but the trauma has broken us off from our connection to being social beings as we were meant to be. So we're not alone in our experience, and that changes everything. So tire meets the road tonight, y'all. Okay? This ain't no more things to give you to for you to work on your own. I'm giving you flat out practical, realistic information tonight. I mean, this all real information that I'm giving you. But tonight you can just grab this and go and talk to somebody. Most of the time, we're giving you information like, okay, if you're in a stressful situation, you could do this. Even though before we had the ticker tape down at the bottom of the screen, we don't have that anymore. So I apologize about that. But I still can give you that information. I have not forgotten you, and I will never forget you because I may have been forgotten when I was in my youth. I'm not gonna do that to you. So this whole episode is generally about the information to get you from point A to point B, right?

Where To Find Survivor Groups

SPEAKER_00 8:22

So, where do you actually find these groups? We talk about it going to see therapists.

SPEAKER_02 8:33

We told you what to look for in a therapist, we told you to call a therapist, set up a schedule, how to interview a therapist, what questions to ask, what to expect when you talk to a therapist. We gave you all that information in prior episodes. But now we're talking about how to integrate and find a group, peer group session, specifically based on childhood trauma, so you can find somebody like-minded to talk to, to get a hold of. Start with an established nonprofit organization, these are vetted, okay, they're legitimate and they're often free or at low cost. So you have options. Excuse me, there's one called rain. And we've mentioned this before. We've also had on our ticker tape we used to have, we don't have that anymore, but I'm gonna give you the information right now. So I hope you all have your pencils and pens and your pads together, little notebooks, whatever, because I'm gonna give you a lot of information tonight, and this information can help somebody, if not necessarily you, if you need the help, but somebody you may love close to you, maybe going through something, these numbers and information can help them. Okay, so don't don't skip out on and say, I'm I'm not a survivor, I don't need this stuff, but this can help somebody who may be around you. I'm going to give you this statistic one more time. Probably give it to you a lot more times after this. But a study was done by a university here in America about the percentages of people who have suffered childhood abuse, and the study revealed that four to six out of every ten Americans have suffered some form of child abuse. I call them the four horsemen. That's sexual, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. So four to six out of every ten of us have suffered. You know ten people, four to six out of those. But here's the kicker, y'all. The study went on to say that those numbers are diminished because most survivors don't report the trauma that they suffered. I didn't report mine, the multiple trauma that I suffered as a child. I didn't report any of it. Not the beatings, the abuse, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse. I didn't report none of that. I was too terrified.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

But you don't have to be stuck like I was. That's the beauty about the internet. Back then, we didn't have the internet like this. But now we can use it for something positive, like connecting the dots. So rain, okay, if you got your pencils and pens ready. The rape, abuse, and incest national network. They offer support groups and connect you to local resources. It's a national number I'm about to give you. And a website too. So the number is one eight hundred six five six forty six seventy-three. Again, I'm gonna give you the number. Okay. Or you can visit their website at rain.org or r g.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

R A I N dot O R G.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Excuse me, I'm sorry. The next one is the Wings Foundation, like a bird, wings, or the wings and terror to triumph, as you can see on the logo right here on the screen. So they focus specifically on adult survivors of childhood abuse. They have an online and in-person groups. You can visit the wingsfoundation.org or RG, or call their helpline. I forgot to get the helpline. I meant to get that information too. I could give it to you in the next episode. The next one is ASCA, the ASCA, Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. It has chapters nationwide with weekly meetings. You can find them at asca.org. That's dot or g. A dot or g okay. Here's another one. SIA. Survivors of Incest Anonymous. Okay. Survivors of Incest Anonymous. The SIA offers peer-led meetings both online and in person. So you can go and visit on the internet S-I-A-W-S-O. Again, that's S-I-A W.org. Okay, the next one is the Dinner Party. It sounds just like it is, okay, the Dinner Party. Okay, this group connects young adult survivors through intimate gatherings and online community. You can check them out at the dinner party, all one word, no spaces, dot org. Now everything I gave you tonight are it's all legitimate nonprofit organizations with real track records. So you can also search meetup.com for local survivor groups. But here's the key Meetup has multiple groups that you can search for, but you have to verify those.

How To Vet A Group

SPEAKER_02 15:59

What does that mean? You have to verify them. That means all the groups that may be on Meetup may not be legitimate nonprofit organizations and they don't have proven track records. You could end up meeting up with people who can cause you harm mentally because they're not legitimate and they're not certified, or they don't have the credentials to treat the situations that you have been in, to treat the trauma that you have. So you have to vet these people, okay? And this is what you look for. You can look for the nonprofit status of the group. You check guide star or charity navigator. Those are things that you can check the groups to see if they're viable, if they're real, if they're tangible, not just somebody out there and saying, Okay, I'm I can help you with your therapy, you know, give me 30 bucks a week or 30 bucks a month, and you don't know if they're a real therapist, or if it's just somebody saying, I I read a book, you know, I can help you. You have to protect yourself from potential scammers and people who think they know everything to help you, and are not trauma-informed therapists, or they haven't had any type of credential to help anybody in our situation. You have to protect yourself. You're trying to heal. You don't want to get into a situation where somebody is being counterproductive to your healing. So you clear facilitator credentials or training like a trauma-informed therapist. Okay, they have to have these clear facilitator credentials. If they don't say what they are doing, who is facilitating this group, who is leading this group, doesn't have any credentials, that's a red flag. And I'm gonna get into the red flags later, but these are the things you look for. You want to find a group that has transparent guidelines, like this is what we expect of you, this is what you can expect from us, and this is what we're trying to get to. This is the group's focus. If they don't have those types of things listed on the internet for their group, it's time to think twice, you know, or turn and go the other way. They should have also contact information. If they don't have a phone number, if they don't have an address that you could verify with Google or something like that, and if they don't have reviews, you know, and if they do have reviews, even if they do have reviews, check the reviews, read reviews. It never hurts. Even if they are a nonprofit organization, always read the reviews. Because reviews, people, if I've I okay, with food services, DoorDash, just use this as an example. I get a bad service from DoorDash. Be it the the Dasher, it's themselves, or if it's the restaurant that messed up my order. I'm putting in a review. I love to give praise where praise is due, but if I'm spending my hard-earned money, if I'm spending my blood, sweat, and tears to earn this dollar, and I'm giving it to you expecting a return on service for the value of what I'm paying for, and I don't get that, I got a problem. And I I'm gonna spread that to the world. Hey, they messed up. And if they try to, if I talk to them and tried to get them to fix it, and they didn't try to fix it, oh, that's gonna be another issue. You have to do the same thing where it's concerning your safety with these groups. You have to look at the reviews and see, okay, is this person just saying stuff to be saying stuff, or are they really have a legitimate concern or issue or a problem with the service? So you have to look at these things. Uh, let me go forward. I don't want to get stuck. This is critical here.

Red Flags That Mean Leave

SPEAKER_02 20:44

Uh well, I don't know. I'm on point. Not all groups are safe. I'm I'm ahead of where I'm actually trying to be. Here's what you watch for. Here's the red flags I was talking to you about earlier. Groups that promise to cure or to fix you it all.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

You come here, you can get the healing you need.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

You know, sometimes healing can take a very long time for us, especially trauma survivors, because we got a lot, as my therapist used to say, we got a lot to unpack. A lot. So, especially for those of us who have suffered multiple trauma, you ain't gonna be able to fix that overnight. Not no 30 days, it might take years or decades. So, if somebody's promising you you come here, you get this, you can get fixed, you'll be alright, you'll be healed, and all okay, red flag. Healing isn't linear. I've said that before. Peer groups do not replace therapy. It's just a place where you can connect and listen to other survivors tell their stories so you can learn you're not alone and you can connect with like-minded people who are struggling, also. That's what it's for. To form bonds with people, actual bonds with people, because we don't really do that. We're either trying to form a bond, but we're pushing somebody away at the same time. And that's not really forming anything but our own hurt and theirs too. So in these groups, it's possible to form a friendship. So you don't have to feel isolated. And you can make a connection to when you start feeling a trigger or something. You can call somebody and say, hey, I'm starting to feel the trigger right now. I don't know what's going on. I just feel like crying. And they can remember the steps that they've learned, and they can say, okay, remember your box breathing.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Do your 5-4-3-2-1. You know, but the connection is what we need.

SPEAKER_02 23:17

As human beings, we need connection. We are made to be social beings. We're not meant to be isolationists. Okay. So remember, you still need to see a therapist, a trauma-informed therapist. Okay. Fatilit a little fatilitators. I said fatilitators. Fatilitators who share their trauma story constantly or dominate the conversation. It should be about you, not them. Okay. I got that out of my system. I just, I don't know. I'm flipping up the words, so I just said I might as well go ahead. Anyway, so facilitators who share their trauma story constantly or try to dominate the conversation. Well, they're not supposed to make this about themselves. Okay? It's supposed to be about you. You're supposed to have the open avenue to come and share if you choose to share, or come and listen, if you want to listen. Because you have to form the connection somehow. And I'm not telling you to go there and just blurt out everything in your life. Because the group might not be for you. So you have to come check the group out first, right? So if your facilitator is not giving you a chance to talk about you, and it's all about them, eh? Hotel it up out of there, y'all. Here's another one. Groups that pressure you to share before you're ready.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

Or shame you for not sharing. Sound familiar. Church. Sorry. Got a little cough there.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

But anyway, pressure you to share before you're ready. Or shame you for not participating. Okay? You're supposed to go about this at your own pace. Don't let anybody make or pressure you into doing whatever you don't want to do. You already suffered the trauma enough.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

This is another form of trauma. You're not going to a peer group to receive more trauma. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

Another one. If a group does not have any clear confidentiality agreement, big red flag. Because that means if they don't have any confidentiality agreement, anybody's information that's in that group can be spread anywhere because there's no agreement. I come to this group. If I'm going to tell my personal intimate woes and the most closest things next to me, and I don't expect it to get out and be on the internet, but if they don't have that, guess what? Your dirty laundry is going to be all over CNN, N S N B C CBS, Fox News. Internet is very, very wicked. And if your information gets out there in a negative way, it's no guarantee it can be reined back in. Okay. So what's said here stays here should be explicit. There should be no puns around that, no wordplay around that. All information shared in the group should stay in the group. Should not leave the group. Should not be discussed in chat rooms or text messages or on phone conversations.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

This group should not be videotaped. Because video can be used on the internet, right?

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Audio can be stripped from the video and used on the internet, right? You have to be careful about these things. Another one, groups that discourage therapy or professional help. Wowie, that's a big one right there.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Groups that discourage therapy or professional help. Okay. Group leader. If they're not a therapist, they might be a survivor themselves.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

And they might have had a bad experience with a therapist.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Or they might have had a bad experience with a psychiatrist or a psychologist or some person in the medical realm that was offering them treatment. Okay. Here's what we're talking about here. Their personal experience is not supposed to be yours.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

And what they have experienced, as traumatic as it might have been, should not be the sole focus of the group. To change your opinion about going to see somebody for help. The group therapy works if if it's positive and if its group facilitator has the credentials to lead the group, and not only just to lead the group, but they actually are capable of leading a successful group. It all depends on the facilitator and how the group is arranged. So if they're discouraging you from medical help and all this other stuff, I just want to say different things work for different people, okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

I this is my my my view on it. I have trauma. I made the mistake of going to see a psychologist first, or a psychiatrist.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

Psychiatrist. I think I've seen a psychiatrist first. Then I saw a psychologist before I saw a therapist. I did it a hundred percent backwards. I should have seen a therapist first, and then if I couldn't handle working it out in my head and doing the homework and putting the actual work to the to the core and doing the actual work, if I didn't, if that wasn't successful, I was supposed to take it to the next level. But I went backwards. It's a long story.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

But I was led backwards to that rabbit hole. So I still would say be wary of any situation.

SPEAKER_02 31:16

You have to vet even the therapists, because not all therapists are meant for you. In our situation, especially. So anybody, you would vet them. I would hope you would vet them and make sure that they're good for you. But don't let somebody just say, Oh, I went to this therapist and they just jacked me up, and then, or I went to this psychiatrist and they just pumped me full of drugs. That might be, that might be your personal experience, but you can't discourage everybody from that because you don't know what level they are in. They might go to a therapist, but they need to escalate to a psychologist or psychiatrist. But you got to take it in steps. You just can't jump to the end of the rainbow and say, I got the pot of gold, and you didn't even know where the rainbow started. So, how did you get to the end? You know, so steps, take the steps, but don't let nobody tell you one way or another on your path, on your journey. Vet for yourself. Vet the people, vet the doctors, vet the therapists for yourself.

Confidentiality And Safety Boundaries

SPEAKER_02 32:27

The next one lack of boundaries. You have lack of boundaries around and outside of the group. Okay, so you say, I'm gonna use this as an example to further clarify. You say, okay, I'm the group facilitator, right? Just use me as an example. I'm not a group facilitator. I guess you could say, because I'm a host of Terror Triumph, I could be considered as a group facilitator. Okay, so I guess I could use myself as not a metaphorical, but a real example. I'm a group facilitator, right? And I say, you can come here. It's okay to come here, and there's no judgment. I'm not gonna say you did this and you did that, and you did this, and you did that. Okay, you come here, it's a safe zone, right? You can tell us whatever you feel, you can say what's ever on your mind. That's cool. I I'll keep that to heart and I'll run with it. Cherish it, and I'll make sure that your safety is put priority one, right? I say all these things to make you feel comfortable, make you feel like, oh, I can I can come and relax here and listen, you know, try to connect with people.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

And then a couple weeks later, somebody telling your story on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

You on TikTok, you just scrolling through, you come across somebody, man, I heard this guy talking about such and such and such in his life and how his mama did him and this, that, and the other, and then he wrote a book. Bro, I thought you said everything was kept confidential in the group and all this stuff.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

But if you don't hold people accountable to the boundaries, your group is fraudulent at that point.

SPEAKER_02 34:43

I mean, you there's no confidentiality, no trust in the group.

SPEAKER_00 34:48

Not to mention, all your stuff is out there in the wind.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

So again, y'all, facilitate the validation of these people, of these groups. You gotta look, you gotta make sure. Check the reviews, man.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Somebody might say in the reviews, like, I told the group something, and next thing I know, my whole block knew about what was going on with me because my uh neighbor from my neighborhood was also in the group.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

He told everybody in the lack of boundaries. You might have a boundary, but you ain't keeping it.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

And talking to everybody about the group, to the people outside the group, that ain't cool. And you don't know, you know, that may cause really some severe problems.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

I mean, think about it. You talking about childhood trauma, you talking about people. If in my case, okay, well, the people who costed me my stuff, they're dead now. So I guess I can't use myself as a theory on that one or the the example.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

So let's say okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:28

Let's say we're just making up some people now. Let's say Jill goes to the group. Mark is also in this group. Jill explains her stuff to Mark, well to the whole group. Mark listens. Mark comes out the group. Mark goes tell Robert, he goes to tell Robert, his best friend, and Robert goes tell Felicia.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Felicia goes and tell Dan, who happens to be Jill's abuser. Dan gets pissed. Because now he knows his information is coming out.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

He thought he had buried this. He thought he put enough fear in Jill so she would never share this with anyone.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

But Jill, in turn, seems like his greatest threat because now he's might be in danger of going to prison. That can turn real ugly.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

So you can see how sharing information that's not yours outside of the group can be very life-threatening to people in the group. Why? Because a group is a place where we congregate to get the help, right? So the group doesn't move from place to place. I mean, the physical group, if you're going in person to the group, those groups don't move from place to place. They're usually in a stagnant place, they're brick and mortar.

SPEAKER_00 38:18

So now Dan knows where Jill is going to be on a regular basis. Dan can go and wait on Jill to come out the group. Follow her home. So, see how serious that can be, right?

SPEAKER_02 38:43

That's why that red flag is so very serious. Can't be blabbing off at the mouth about other people's situation stuff. You never know who that's gonna get to. The people are coming to tell their stuff in confidentiality because they're they still fear retribution. Some of the accusers threaten to kill the entire family of these people, some of them.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

And you going off spilling off everything. These are huge, man. You gotta trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Your instincts haven't led you wrong so far.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

The only thing is you got to reset your system. That's it. System hasn't been backfiring, you're not broken, your system is just finely tuned to a tune to things that might be dangerous according to the trauma, to the wound you have, not to everyday situations. So now, if it smells vape, it thinks inferno. It doesn't go to smoke, it doesn't go to small fire, it doesn't go to engulfing fire, it doesn't go into a raging fire, it doesn't go into an encompassing fire, and then into an infernal, it goes from a whiff of smoke, a wisp of smoke, straight to infernal. That's how our nervous systems are wired, because we're always looking for the danger. So if we're always looking for the danger and we find a place where we can finally say, I've been here long enough, I've been coming here for about a year now, I've been listening to the stories. Now I'm feeling like I'm comfortable enough to share and talk about my story. So let me say something, this, that, and the other. And as soon as I share my stuff, it gets back to the victim, I mean the abuser within a month or so, and now I'm unalived and on the news. Because people say, Oh, well, that was just too bad. Well, no, it's because you open your fat lips and word got around.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

People love telling juicy stuff, don't you know that? Especially nowadays, people get paid for telling juicy stuff. It's newsworthy. I don't know, TMZ might pay you for something like that. But what cost? At what cost?

SPEAKER_02 41:35

You get you get $500 to tell something to kill somebody? You might as well be the hit man. The blood on your hands, too. So you have to be careful of that. I'm talking to the people who do spill, not to the survivors. Even though survivors sometimes spill too. Oh my god, why did this hit me right now? Okay, I gotta get this out.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

This is not part of the script, but okay, father help me with this one.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

Even though people like to tell stuff, when we as people, as humans, I'm trying to be as polite about this as possible. We as people tend to say, my situation is not as bad as their situation. Both situations are screwed up, but we always like to point out somebody else's situation is worse than ours to make ourselves feel better, or to say our situation isn't as bad. So talking about another person's situation to allay your own sometimes happens. Nah, I told y'all I was locked up in prison. When I was in prison, I often heard people saying other people's crimes were messed up.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

We're all in prison. We did something that was screwed up, we're all bad.

SPEAKER_02 43:23

Okay? Well, not okay. I'm sorry, we're not all bad. We made life decisions or judgments or thought processes that led us astray and into that situation where we ended up locked up. Doesn't mean that we're bad people, we just lacked the critical judgment factors that we needed to avoid those situations. Okay, that's the political correct way. Some of us just didn't give a crap about. That they wanted to do what they wanted to do, regardless, knowing the risk. Some of us were just caught up in the lifestyle that we were in, some of us were just screwed up from birth already, and didn't have the wherewithal to know that we were messed up. Some of us were victims, and some of us do play play the blame game to make ourselves not feel as bad.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Sad, right?

SPEAKER_02 44:39

Well, I'm best of $500, but you murder somebody, you worse than me. You actually killed somebody, you took somebody's life.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

And then there's degrees of that, right? People look at each other. Well, I chopped up a body. But you you kill somebody and use chemicals to turn them into liquid. You worse than me. Doesn't matter if you in prison, doesn't matter what you did, you are in prison. I use that as an example to say this.

SPEAKER_02 45:27

Regardless of what abuse a survivor has suffered, one doesn't make the other one any better or any less. Any greater or any lesser. It doesn't make it more violent or any less violent.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

They're all violent in their own right. None of us better than the other.

SPEAKER_02 46:07

But we were trained to thought to be separated so badly that we look and find differences to separate ourselves. And that kills me right there. Because the more division we have in between us, the less there they have to worry about us actually coming together as one. I'm I'm talking to the to the inmates.

SPEAKER_00 46:36

Daddy you I'm not calling you out your name, brother, sister. But think about it.

SPEAKER_02 46:48

We we play these mind games and we say to ourselves that we we better than that person because that person did this. Everybody look down on that person. Oh here, here's a perfect example. CSC cases, right? We look down on those people because they the most heinous. They they raping little kids. Well, not all CSC cases do that. When I was locked up, a dude got a felony because he couldn't hold his bladder. He had to urinate. It wasn't that he was just whizzing all out in public and showing off everybody as Johnson. He he tried to go behind the building. But somebody, or the police officers, saw him over there behind the building. That's a felony. Locked him up. I had to think about our society. Like, really? You think about this too. Sidebar. I know I'm going off the beaten path, but think about this. How many places you know have public restrooms now? Public restrooms used to be everywhere. Do y'all remember that? You could just about go in any building that was offering a public service and be able to use the restroom in that place. Not anymore. Hell, you go in a restaurant and can barely get in the restroom. You have to get a key. You got to get the key, waiting for them to give you the key to go open the bathroom door so you can use the bathroom in a public place. So it's not unimaginable. This is what I'm saying. This is not unimaginable that these things would happen. A person has to relieve themselves outside because they can't make it to a restroom.

SPEAKER_00 48:47

That's not that's not hard to imagine. But that's a felony.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

So now you not just have a felony, but now you got a CSE. When that CSC is on your felony, everybody looks at you as a pedophile. You ain't no pedophile, you just relieved yourself. But now you got a CSE. That's you a pedophile.

SPEAKER_00 49:10

Not all CSEs are pedophiles. That's what the world will have you believe. Just like everybody who's killed somebody are not murderers, right?

SPEAKER_02 49:26

And you say, how can you not be a murderer if you kill somebody? Self-defense, right? In some states, you can be totally in self-defense and kill somebody, but you'll still go to prison because you killed somebody. Even if your life was on the line, you kill somebody, you still go to prison because you killed somebody.

SPEAKER_01 49:53

Somebody shooting in your house from on your front porch. You shoot back, you killed them, but because they wasn't inside your house in some states, you go to prison because you killed somebody.

SPEAKER_00 50:15

You fire back to save your life, but you go to prison because you kill somebody.

SPEAKER_02 50:28

You're not trying to murder anybody, you're just trying to stay alive. So where did I hear that from?

SPEAKER_00 50:38

I think it was an anime I was watching where somebody said, How is it bad if I'm trying to defend myself to stay alive? To that effect.

SPEAKER_02 50:58

So I don't die, but you get mad at me because I did. I know anyway, so I got off the beaten path there, but your safety always and every time comes first. So that's why you always should pay attention to that. And I'm way behind time now, but let me see if I can finish this.

Online Versus In Person Groups

SPEAKER_02 51:20

Okay, online groups, and we talk about the pros and cons now. So let's talk about the format of online groups versus in-person groups. So the online groups, we're gonna talk about the pros, they can be accessible from anywhere. You can be on one on your phone, at home, on your laptop, on your PC at work. Well, not at work. We're not gonna say at work. But you can be on your PC or your desktop machine, excuse me. You could be on your desktop machine and uh be be anywhere, on a tablet, whatever. You know what I'm saying? You could be on a bus in a group session, just listening, you know, on the earbud, whatever. So anywhere. Yeah, you can feel less pressure if your camera is off because nobody can see you and you're in the group, right? It could have flexible scheduling, like, because you don't have to be in a physical place, you can be anywhere, you could be in transit, and especially if you don't have to have your camera on, and all you have to do is listen to the group while it's going on or watch it on the phone. You could be anywhere with that. Anonymity if you need it. So if you don't want to show your face, you don't want to tell your name, you don't want to tell your story, that's cool. You know, if you still want to learn, you know, how others have been through. And then you don't have to commute. You can do it off, like I said, off your phone. So those are the pros, cons. Less personal connection, that's right, because it's on the phone. You're connecting with your phone, actually. With a video that you're watching, you know, it might be a live stream, might be a Zoom, or whatever the case is, but it's on the phone. You got the phone. It's not a person where you can actually talk, shake hands, you know what I'm saying, pat on the back, listen to them, see them, and feel the emotions of the person who's explaining their story. You're not gonna get that. Not over the phone. So it is a less personal connection, and there's tech barriers for some. Some groups only use Zoom, some people don't have Zoom. There might be other meetings, Google Meet, or some people don't know, or they're not familiar with the Google Meet platform, or there might be another Meet platform. There was that one back in the day everybody used to use. There still are different ones with VPNs and all that kind of stuff, but not everybody has to take savvy to to use it, or the maybe their computer doesn't have an updated CPU that can handle the process of power for the group meetings and stuff like that. It's possible, you know. Maybe their phone is not as up to date, you know, and the video doesn't come through as good because you got 12 people in a group and it's trying to do the video for all of them and then it keeps crashing or something. So, yeah, it's tech barriers. Then it's harder to build deeper relationships because you're not in person. And people just feel like, okay, group overclick, turn it off. How are you gonna connect to that? At least during the group, if it you know, you might have an intermission in the group where you can take a break, get some coffee, might be some cookies or something, you can shoot the stuff to the your group members or whatever, talking a little sidebar before you go back to the rest of the group meeting. So you don't have that. You know what I'm saying? It's just sitting here looking at a screen. Okay, it's over. I'm done. You gone about your business. Turn the screen off.

SPEAKER_00 55:27

Screen fatigue.

SPEAKER_02 55:32

Looking at the screen, screen, screen, screen, screen, screen. I started getting tired. You started getting headaches, man. Your eyes started seeing double vision. That's why I wear glasses now, because I see double vision. Not just my eyes, but through the glasses is double vision. Well, anyway, I'm playing on words. But but reality, I do see double without my glasses. I can't see. I had to squint to see. Long distance, I'm fine. That's why I got the readers. But anyway, take barriers, right? And it's harder to build different relationships, screen fatigue, blah. So, in-person groups, the pros to the in-person groups is you get the real human connection. It's easier to build relationships because you're in-person. Excuse me. Accountability and consistency. That's one that wasn't in the other one at all, because now you're in person, you can hold somebody to what they say. Consistency, because everybody's listening and everybody's present. And we can call somebody on ABS. I mean, you could probably do that, but is a person really gonna care if they're online and they could just click off? So being in person holds you accountable, really, if you're gonna speak your piece, or if you're gonna sit there and listen, and then you finally do get relaxed and want to chime in. But that level of vulnerability is a is a great thing. Physical precedence, presence creates safety. It's easier to follow up outside of meetings, too, because you can connect, share phone numbers, blah blah blah. Cons is it requires travel, scheduling conflicts, less anonymity, of course, because now you see person, person to person, P2P for our gamers. And it's harder to find locally because if on the internet you just need a web address, bam, you're there. In reality, you gotta go Google Maps and then actually drive around corners and through traffic and all that other stuff to get where you're going. And then there's potential safety concerns with new people because new people, you don't know new people, you don't know if they're violent, you don't know if they have other issues, so you don't know if you can feel comfortable sharing around the new people. If the new people are gonna use your information, and that's real. You might start online to test the waters and then go to an in-person group once you're ready, once you're ready, or vice versa, there's no wrong answer.

What Your First Meeting Feels Like

SPEAKER_02 58:27

So walking into your first group can feel scary, and here's how it should generally go, right? So most groups start with introductions. You don't have to share your full story, you can say, hi, I'm Alfonso, and I'm here. And that should be enough. There's usually a facilitator in the group, group leader who sets the tone and keeps things safe. They'll explain the confidentiality and the group's guidelines. They should. People should share at their own pace. You know, you can listen for weeks and not have to speak, and that's okay. There's often a theme or a topic, and that's flexible. Some groups focus on specific topics or issues like incest, sexual or physical abuse, or emotional abuse, or emotional abuse. I'm getting lazy and tired. Others are general. See, most groups are hour to hour and a half long. They might take a break, have some coffee and snacks, and at the end, people exchange contact info if they want. That's optional, right? You don't have to do that part. And here's something else for you. Everyone in the room is nervous as well, just like you, because you're being vulnerable at that moment, right? You're all there for the same reason.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:14

You're not being judged, you're being welcomed.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:19

So here's something crucial.

Triggers Self Care And Limits

SPEAKER_02 1:00:21

Peer groups are powerful, but they can also be triggering. So you need boundaries. So set a limit on how many groups you plan to attend. One or two a week is usually enough. That might be too much, one or going to two different groups. That depends on you, though. Like one should be okay to start with, you know. But as you start feeling more comfortable with going to group, a group, then you could try different groups, you know, see if you get a different vibe from them or whatnot. But I don't think you should bounce around too much on those. If a meeting is heavy, plan something gentle afterwards, right? Go for a walk, you know, put your feet in the grass, ground yourself, do some journaling, take some time alone, you know. Depending on how heavy it is, you might remember to do your box breathing in the 54321 methods. If you don't have to stay the whole time, too. So if you need to leave, if things get too heavy for you, intense, right? And it's too triggering, you don't have to stay. You can get up and walk out. You don't have to share right away. Well, sorry, this is fatigue from being up at three o'clock in the morning. So I apologize, you guys. Listening is participating. If someone's story is too triggering, it's okay for you to step out or to be mute. And here's the signature line I say quite often self-care is not selfish, right? It's the ongoing practice of honoring yourself, and that's what sustains trust: trust in yourself, trust in your healing, and trusting the process. When you honor yourself by setting boundaries, you're modeling what's healthy, what healthy looks like for everyone in the room, right?

This Week’s Action Steps

SPEAKER_02 1:02:30

So here's what I want you guys to do this week as I get ready to sign off. Pick one organization from the list we shared. Rain, wings, ask uh, see uh or the dinner party, go to their website or call their numbers. Ask about the groups in your area or online options. Don't commit yet, just gather the information. If you find a group, attend one meeting, just one, and see how it feels for yourself. And trust yourself. If it's not the right if you feel it's not the right fit, try another one. There's dozens of options. You deserve community and you deserve to be heard as well. So you deserve to heal alongside the people who get it, and that's what peer groups offer. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up and showing up for your healing. I appreciate that. And until next time, be safe, practice the work, remain or reclaim rather, who God intended you to be. And remember, help is always closer than you think. I'm Alfonso Pope. This has been Terror the Triumph, and I hope you stay safe and be conscious of the world around you. Until next time, love you guys.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:57

Stay safe.