REACT SERIES PART 1 – RECOVERING FROM FAWNING

This is the first episode in our REACT series—a deep dive into the four trauma responses that shaped how we survived childhood abuse. Over the next four weeks, we're breaking down fawning, flight, fight, and freeze. Today, we're talking about fawning: the response that looks like kindness but is actually survival.

If you grew up in a chaotic, controlling, or abusive home, you might recognize yourself in this episode. Stick with us.

Transcript

How Common Childhood Abuse Is

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Four to six out of every ten United States citizens have suffered some form of childhood abuse. My heart cries out because I know there are millions, millions, and millions of people, not just in our country, but around the globe that are suffering from this. Hold on to your horses tonight. I, for one, am a fawner. My childhood response to the trauma was funny. Freezing and fawny. I can tell you that firsthand. That is tiring. So I've been there. I spent years. Still, I do it. I catch myself doing it. Fawny. And I used to do it not even knowing what the name of it was. I didn't even know fawning was a word. Fawn. I thought that was a deer, a fawn. But I'm telling you the truth. I'm telling you the absolute truth. This is my thinking, to tear the triumph. And I am here for all you survivors of childhood trauma, bringing to you news, information, and stories, personal stories, and even guests who like to share their stories on the podcast to give you guys a chance, a fighting chance at normalcy. I am here to try to help bridge the gap between those who are fighting childhood survivor trauma, trying to live a normal life. Maybe you don't even know the effects of it and how it's impacting your relationships or your coworkers or your family. But these things are very noticeable to other people, even though it's not as noticeable to us. So I'm here to try to help those who want to help themselves understand themselves better and to try to help the people who don't know about the trauma to help them understand those, their loved ones and what they're going through. Also to help anybody who's going through something, to try to get them to the people who can actually give you the help you need. We are like the bridge, if you will, to try to make the ends meet. This platform is just selfless act. Because I know how it was when I was going through my situation when my traumas happened when I was young. I didn't have the internet outlets like this, people that I could talk to or listen to to try to find out what I was going through was not an isolated incident, that there are multi-millions of people in America alone that are going some worse, some not as bad, but all trauma. No trauma is good, but you are nowhere near alone in your suffering. That's the lie that was told to us that we were suffering by ourselves. No one would understand what we're going through. No one could possibly comprehend what we've been through. As I start this episode off tonight, I want to start it off with a statistic that I commonly use. A university did a study just in America of the citizens thereof. And what they found was four to six out of every ten United States citizens have suffered some form of childhood abuse, sexual, mental, verbal, or physical, four to six out of ten. So if you have a million people, four hundred thousand to six hundred thousand people have suffered some form of child abuse. And you think we have over 360 million Americans living in this country, and you have 40 to 60 percent of them. But the statistic went on to say those numbers are diminished because most victims do not report their trauma, what they've been through. I didn't. The multiple times I was abused, I didn't report any of so it's understandable how much that number could be, vastly greater than what it was. So my heart cries out because I know there are millions, millions and millions of people, not just in our country, but around the globe that are suffering from this. This is worse than the COVID epidemic. Worse because this has been going on far longer, just being covered up.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Just thinking about it, is stressful enough.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

But I told myself I was going to give everything that I have to this cause. And I meant that, and I'm still here, and I'm still fighting to be here for you, to give you helpful information, tools that you could use, and possibly help you start your journey to healing, to become the person you were meant to be. That's what I'm here for. I wish I had somebody that I could watch on TV to give me this type of information as I was going through. But I digress. Tonight's show is the first part of a four-part series called the React Series. We're gonna talk about the four uh different types of trauma reactions. And each episode in this series is gonna talk about a particular type. Tonight's episode, we're talking about fawning. Don't know if you guys ever heard that term. We've said it and mentioned it on the show a few times. And a few times when we did mention it, we did explain it. But tonight we're gonna get really in detail about it. Not just talking about what fawning is, we're gonna talk about recovering from it. So hold on to your horses tonight. Because I, for one, am a fawner. My childhood response to the trauma was fawning. Freezing and fawning. So there

Guest Announcements And Community Updates

SPEAKER_01 7:06

you have it. Uh before we get started, I would like to make a couple of announcements. First, we have a guest coming up May 9th, 2026, obviously. But May 9th, we have Dr. David Marcus, a psychologist, coming on the show. He's also a survivor. He's gonna be telling us his story, his truths. You don't want to miss that one. We've got another guest lined up. May 16th, same time, same bat channel. Meet us right here, 9:30 Eastern Standard Time. Both shows on the 9th and the 16th. On the 16th is gonna be Tracy Smaldino. She's a survivor. She has a tremendous story. You do not want to miss this. And both of their stories, both Mr. David, Dr. David, and both Tracy have an amazing turnaround story. Just like Miss Heather Ann did. I just, you guys, what I'm bringing to you, you can't make this stuff up just out of thin air. And these people who are coming on the show, they resonate with you guys. They understand they've walked this path with you. And now they're sharing their stories with you. You are not alone out here. I promise you that. And there are people out here who want to share their stories with you to help you realize there's hope. There's a way out. And like I like to say, help is closer than you think. We like to think, or as survivors, we think help is non-existent. It's not gonna come. But help is actually closer than you think. Well, okay. Moving on. Oh, yeah, let me tell you also. Storm is not here tonight. She's had the night off. I gave her the night off. So she won't be with us tonight. So that's just you and me. We're gonna rock this one out. All right, that's it for the announcements. I thank you all for coming to the show. Let's get into it. Okay, uh let's see.

React Series And Defining Fawning

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Yeah. We're uh gonna talk about funny, what it looks like, and that understanding that kindness coming from funny is actually a form of survival. So if you grew up in a chaotic, controlling or abusive home, you might recognize yourself in this episode. Stick with me. So let's start with the definition, okay? According to Pete Walker, a marriage and family therapist who pioneered the research on complex PTSD, fawning is a trauma response where survivors prioritize appeasing others above their own needs and safety. Me, I did that. I still do that to this day. And I try my I try my best not to. It's a fight. Yeah. I literally fight myself now, internally, you know, when I'm conflicted with a situation, trying not to appease somebody for fear of conflict. I'm not gonna get too much into that. I want the information to come to you guys. I want you guys to understand what's what how this is about to unfold. So not gonna get too much into my own personal right off right off the bat. Okay, so Walker describes it as the primary survival strategy of children who grew up with narcissistic, controlling, or abusive caregivers. That could be a foster mother or father, it could be your actual biological parents, it could be a stepfather or stepmother, it could be anybody who's designated to give you your care as you were a child.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

So it could be an adopted parent, it could be so what do they call that when uh your family members take claim of the children?

SPEAKER_01 11:25

I can't remember the term for it right off the bat. I just talked to somebody about that earlier. But um, it could be one of those type of situations. But regardless, whoever it is, they're supposed to give or be the caregiver for you, and they drop the ball. So think of it this way: when you were a kid and your parent is unpredictable, sometimes loving, sometimes violent, you learn to try to read the room. Ain't that telling the truth? I know as a survivor, I had to learn to read the room. So, yeah, we do that. Survivors, we do that. You learn to flatten yourself, flatten yourself, making yourself small is what it's talking about. You learn to flatten yourself, you become a people pleaser, a peacekeeper, someone who says yes, even when you mean to say no. That's fawny. According to research from the CPTSD Foundation, fawning is not it's not just one-sided, it's a nervous system response. Your body learned that appeasement decreases activation, meaning that it kept you safer. Your brain literally wired itself to believe that if I'm nice enough, if I'm small enough, maybe they won't hurt. That's accurate, 100%. I I almost wanted to start telling some more about my personal story, but I don't I want to get into this. We got a lot to go through tonight, and I don't want to demean it by telling my personal, well, it wouldn't be demeaning because this is 100% accurate, but I want to give you guys this information before I go off into my personal uh life, which I am planning on sharing with you. By the way, we're live tonight. This is not prerecorded. And if you have a comment, if you're on Facebook, YouTube, Twitch, and you want to chime in and say something, you can do that. I'll respond, and we can go back and forth. I mean, if that's what you want to do. I'm not trying to force you. I'll never do that. I'll never judge you, I'll never force you. Judgment-free zone. This is a safe place here. You'll have no judgment. Not from me, not from anybody on this platform, and it better not be from anybody watching, because I don't play that. So your body learned that appeasement decreased activation, right? So if you think about that for a second, if you make somebody feel as if there will never be a problem with you, then they're be more acceptable to you. At least that's the thinking. They'll be more acceptable to or accepting of you. They wouldn't mind having you around. Think about that for a minute. Think about that. I think I got hair coming out my eyelash. Think about that for a minute. I mean, who would want somebody that's constantly disagreeing with them around them at all times? We talk about the negative Nancies, right? You don't want that type of vibe around your atmosphere, around your personal circle. You don't want that in your personal circle. So if you're going to kick out a negative Nancy, then if you got a person that's a yes person that's always around you, then you're not going to feel that negative pressure or that negative vibe on you. You'll be more accepting to that. So it plays into that. Fawning plays definitely into that. Nobody wants somebody they're disagreeable with around them. I mean, people disagree a lot. I mean, not every day, every conversation, but people think differently. So there will be differences of opinion. That's okay. That's normal. But for a person who's a survivor and they're in the fact or in the state of a trauma response as fawning, that's detrimental. Okay. So let me go forward. Because I know I can I can talk a lot. So I'm sorry, let me give you this information. So here's the thing: what you did worked as a fawning person. As you fawn, it works. It kept you alive as a child. Yeah. It was brilliant survival. That's actually becoming the chameleon, like blending into your surroundings while you're right there. Because now the person has no reason to do whatever they did or they would think to do. But now, as an adult, that same response is now ruining your relationships, your work, your boundaries. And you best believe it's exhausting. I can tell you that firsthand. That is tiring. So I've been there. As I've told you, I spent years. Still, I do it. I catch myself doing it. Fawny. And I used to do it not even knowing what the name of it was. I didn't even know fawning was a word. Fawn. Fawn. What I thought that was a deer, a fawn. But I'm telling you the truth. I'm telling you the absolute truth. This is my thinking.

Emotional And Behavioral Signs

SPEAKER_01 17:10

So let me walk you through the signs because fawning is sneaky. It looks like kindness. It feels like generosity, but underneath it's fear. This episode is 100% on track, on point. I mean, all of them are, but it's hitting me like, bro, expose. Emotional signs. You feel anxious when someone's upset with you. You get into a situation, you think somebody might be mad at you or something you did, you're gonna feel like a tower of anxiety in your body. I ain't gonna lie to you. That's stressful. That's draining. Because it's a myriad of things that could happen that could cause conflict in the world. Just in the workplace alone. Just think about that. Let alone if you're out here in the world walking, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, whatever. Wherever you mingle with people, you could be going to a fast food restaurant and they get your order wrong. As a fawn in person, you don't even want to argue about you paying money getting something this messed up. That's not what you wanted. Bro, I'm telling you, that is so, that's frustrating. That is frustrating. Because you want to argue, but you like you don't want the, you don't want the smoke. You don't want the conflict. I can feel my neck tensing up just thinking about this right now. So you take on their emotions as your responsibility, right? You feel guilty for having needs. Something that you just innately have, that's yours, that you are supposed to have, your part of your unalienable rights to have needs. I need to feel safe. I need to feel comfort. I need to feel joy. I need to feel that I need to voice my opinion. I feel I need to stand up for myself, but you feel like you feel guilty for having these needs. Ooh, we just started this episode and I'm getting a headache thinking about this. All right, all right. So you apologize constantly. Anybody who knows me, I'm not making this up. Anybody who knows me knows I constantly. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry. I've had people tell me, you don't have to apologize for this. You didn't do nothing wrong. You didn't. Funny. I'm not sitting up here just making this stuff up. I'm not sitting up here exposing myself to become what? A celebrity from my tragedy? That's not what this is about. This is about showing you what it looks like. And I'm using myself as an example. And that could put me in a critical situation. Because millions of people will know that guy has a hard time saying no. Maybe we can get some out of him. But that would also help me strengthen my resolve. The more I say no, the more I can get used to saying it, the more I know it's okay to say it. And it is okay to say no, but I don't want to jump the gun. Let's stick to the story. Okay. So where are we at? Okay, you apologize constantly. Even when you've done nothing wrong, I just said that. You feel a deep, almost physical dread at the thought of conflict. Okay, me. Me. I'm gonna get one of these neon signs. I'm gonna make it say ow. Every time it's me, I'm gonna push a button, it's light up owl or arrow pointing down at me. Anyway, behavioral signs of this is that you say the yes to things you don't want to do. That can be anything. If you don't want to do it, but you say yes anyway, think about it. You might be funny. You overexplain yourself. This is what I'm glad this episode don't have hands. Because I'd be slapped silly right now. Okay. You laugh off your own pain so that you can make others feel comfortable. Yep. Did that. Did that. You prioritize others' comfort over. Your own safety. Been there. You do things hoping for approval or gratitude that never come. Been there, same situation. So in relationships, you attract people who take advantage of. You stay in relationships longer than you should because leaving feels like abandonment. Let me not get started on abandonment issues. If you have been abandoned as a child, on top of that, that's a whole nother episode. I gotta do an episode on that. But yeah, in the relationships, you stay in them longer because you don't feel like you want to be abandoned. You don't want to be left. That feeling of somebody leaving you, you dread that. You struggle to say no without feeling guilty. Mm-hmm. You feel responsible for other people's emotions and behavior. Okay. I'm starting to wonder if beating myself up tonight. Physical

Physical Signs And Hypervigilance

SPEAKER_01 23:06

signs. You feel tension in your chest or stomach when somebody's angry. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't even matter if they're mad at you. If they're mad at somebody around you, you feel that way. Your body goes into a state of hypervigilance, right? And you're always scanning for danger, always ready to adjust. You might experience chronic fatigue because you're constantly performing. People tell me, you can go to sleep at the drop of a dime. I wish I could go to sleep that quick. Why do you think that is? Tonight it's being on it. My loved ones, if you know me, you know now. You always thought I was just lazy because I was sleeping all the time. No, I'm exhausted. Because not only do I go to work, but I'm overworked up here because I'm hyper-vigilant, always looking around for danger, always trying to make something peaceable. A situation that might be volatile. I'm trying to calm people down. I ain't even got nothing to do with it, but interjecting trying to help. Because I don't want the conflict to come around me, even near me. It's not even me. They're not mad at me. Let me give you an example.

A Real Conflict Story From Work

SPEAKER_01 24:23

I was a security guard, right? Security guard at an establishment. Customer ordered something from the establishment. Altercation happened with the customer, not the alt of the establishment. Customer had an altercation with somebody he was with or she was with. Not going to really tell you who was, because that's totally different story. So they had a converse, a conflict with whoever they came with. That caused them not to get what they paid for because they had to leave. The next day, customer comes back. Customer says, I paid for this meal. I didn't get the meal because obviously I had an emergency. Can I please have my meal? The establishment supervisor, I guess I don't know what to call the person, but that person turns and says, No, I can't give you that. You pay for it. And that food ended up being thrown away. Because you didn't come back to get it. We don't have it here. We don't keep food. To make something new, you have to pay for it fresh again. That's a whole new product. We can't give stuff away for free. I can understand that logic because that's two meals. One was paid for, but the other one would be free. You see what I'm saying? I get the logic. But the customer was in a bad way, and the guy running the establishment could have thought about it differently how he could have addressed the customer. He could have even said, you know what, I'm going to give you a meal. It might not be to the monetary point that you pay for your meal, but I'm going to give you something for your distress because you did pay for a meal you didn't get. I'm going to help you out. I wouldn't think that would be something I would have done if I was running an establishment. But it didn't go down that way. I'm not going to go into details how it went down. But it didn't go down that way. What happened ended up being, customer got really irate and frustrated. Left. Came back. Now you know what that means. If you black, if you black, you know what that means. You leave, you turn around, you come back, you got something with you. It ain't no gift. You got something with you. You ready to do some damage. Like I said, I was security, right? I don't know why I'm in that position when I'm a fauna, right? But because I don't like conflict, I approached the gentleman in such a peaceable, calm manner, and I talked to him. And I kept talking to him. I kept talking to him. I stopped that man from possibly shooting up the place or a woman from shooting up the place. I possibly stopped somebody from dying because I was fawning so hard. I did not want the conflict. And I basically pleaded with that person not to do anything, not to do any harm. And I told that person, I said, if you come back the next day, I'll buy you something. I didn't have to do that. It's not my establishment. But I understood. Also, I didn't want to be in the midst of any bloodshed or violence or something. If I'd have stood up with a sternness and I, oh, you can't come back here, I might have been the first one shot. You know what? People, we have to think. We had to think. We had to think. Humanity, you have to have a heart. If you don't have a heart out here, you're just going to be met with coldness. And death is very cold. You ever touch the dead body? There's no heat. I'm just saying. But I didn't want to get too far off topic, but I just want to show you an example of how fawning could be extremely helpful in that situation. But it also can be very detrimental. We're going to get back into that in a minute. So you got physical signs too, okay? Physical signs, you feel tension in your chest or your stomach when someone is angry. We just talked about that. Your body goes into a state of hypervigilance. We talked about that. You might experience kernel fatigue because you're constantly performing. We talked about that. According to Psychology Today, recent article on fawning response. Fauning is a deeply embodied pattern. It lives in your nervous system. And it's not just a thought pattern, it's a physical survival mechanism.

Why Fawning Gets Wired In

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Wow. So here's the hard truth. Breaking the fawn response is a difficult thing because your nervous system doesn't know it's safe enough to stop. Think about that for a minute. It's like a cycle type thing, right? Your body learned that fawning equals survival. Changing that takes more than just willpower. Yes, Lord. Yes. Yeah. You know what you're talking to me. I know you're talking to me. Yeah. Yeah. That's absolutely true. I ain't gonna lie about that one. Again, according to Pete Wagner research on complex PTSD, fawning becomes wired into your nervous system through repeated exposure to chronic stress and threat. When you're a child and your caregiver is the source of both love and danger, your nervous system gets confused. Colloquialism, I don't like saying them. Preaching to the choir, I'm the choir. I'm being preached to tonight. I mean, you know, I guess this episode was meant for me. I don't know. I mean, yeah, it was in a way. Yeah. This series is probably meant for me. But I know if if something is good for me, it's gotta be good for you guys. So let's let's continue. Your nervous system learns I need this person to survive. But this person is also a threat. So I have to manage their emotions to stay safe. Wow. Wow. As a trauma survivor, you receive your trauma from this potential person, but you have to manage, you learn your as a child, how great is the thought process there to understand another adult's emotions to manipulate them to prevent any more violence coming to you. That your mind is a great thing. That is an awesome thing. In adulthood, I wouldn't think that way to manipulate a person's emotions to, I mean, I know that's what advertisement is, to get you to do something for me, to get you to purchase a thing or whatever. But as a child, you learn to do this to keep yourself safe. That is freaking awesome. And nobody taught your mind to do that. As a child, nobody taught your mind to do that. But you picked it up. You learned that from experience. Okay. And then we're gonna keep going. This creates what we call trauma bonding. You become hyper-attuned to the other person. You read their micro expressions, the tone of their voice, their mood, and you become an expert at predicting what they need before they even add. Wow. Okay. I had to do some box breathing right there. I had to calm myself. I didn't, I didn't I didn't realize that. But that is very accurate. Yeah, I did that. It says this skill kept you alive, but now it's keeping you stuck, okay? There's something called distorted beliefs. If you fawned as a child, you internalized messages like, my needs don't matter. I'm responsible for others' emotions. If I'm good enough, I can prevent abuse. Or love means sacrifice. Those beliefs run deep. They feel true because they were true. They kept you alive, right? And here's the neurobiological according to the research from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Chronic childhood trauma changes how your brain processes threat. Your Agma Dalla, the fear sensor, becomes hyperactive, your prefrontal cortex, the rational decision-making part becomes less active. So even when you're logically, when you logically know you're safe, your body is still in survival fawning. Breaking fauning means rewiring your nervous system. Okay. Like the other ones will tell you that later as we get to the other parts of the series. And yeah, it takes time, it takes repetition, and you have to have compassion for yourself because you're learning. You have to love yourself because you're learning something new. So how do you actually recover from fawning? Here are seven. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Seven Steps To Recover

SPEAKER_01 34:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

There's seven steps concrete for things to actually work.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Number one, you recognize the pattern. Start noticing when you're fawning. When do you say yes when you mean no? Do you apologize for things that aren't your fault? Awareness is the first step. You have to understand what you're doing, right? You have to know what you're doing. And when it's happening, when do you feel compelled to do that? Second, feel the fear underneath. That was almost a tongue twister. Feel the fear underneath. Fawing is fear in disguise. Yes. Yes, it is. When you want to fawn, pause and ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if I don't? Usually it's abandonment, rejection, or anger. Let yourself feel feel. Don't run from it. Now that you got the second one, practice saying no. Start small. Say no to something low states. Notice the anxiety that you feel. Ah, yeah, that part. Notice that you survive it, but doesn't kill you. Your nervous system needs evidence that saying no doesn't kill you. Number four, set some boundaries. A boundary is not mean. And you have people, and I've said it before, you'll have people. When you set some boundaries and people try to get you to cross your boundaries, and you tell them no, oh, you just being mean. No, you're just being manipulative because you're trying to get me to do something I don't want to do. Don't let nobody make you cross your boundaries. And it's okay to set a boundary because that's protecting you. So a boundary is not mean. It's not. It's mean to them, and it might be because they can't get what they want. And that's very childish if you think about it. No, you can't have no gum. You about to eat. You being mean. Kid acts that way. So grown adult doing that is not a good look, y'all. I just want to tell you. Just start talking for a friend, saying it for a friend. Friend told me to say it. Just saying. So anyway, so once you say something no to something low stakes, and you notice your anxiety, notice you survive it, and you notice the evidence that you're not going to die from saying no, it doesn't kill you. And you set your boundaries and you keep that, and it's, you realize it's really self-preservation, right? When you set a boundary, you're not actually setting the boundary to hurt yourself. You're setting the boundary to protect yourself. It's self-preservation. Okay. According to Pete Walker's work, setting boundaries is essential to breaking the flawn cycle. Start with small, clear statements. I can't do that. That doesn't work for me. You know, I need time to think about that. Number five, you can ground yourself. When your anxiety starts spiking up, use grounding techniques. Feel your feet on the ground. Name five things you see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell. Pick up my mouth. Smells like electronics. One you can taste. I hear it. Y'all heard that. That Pepsi got a good sound to it, don't it? That's the one taste. Okay, so now you can see what I just just did. I did, I did the thing.

SPEAKER_00 38:19

I can name computer, mouse, Pepsi, touch taste.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

I named things I can see or do. Well, I saw my hand, I named that. But anyway, that's beside the point. When you actually bring yourself to the present moment, you're actually safe. Your mind says, I'm safe when you do that. Number six, seek trauma-informed therapy. That's a staple of this podcast. And I know I know y'all know that already. Because I'm telling y'all that just about every podcast. Seek a trauma-informed therapist. When you do seek this trauma-informed therapist, I highly recommend you find a master therapist. There are master therapists out there. You need to find a master therapist because those people can really help you, especially with childhood trauma. They know the modalities, they know what will work for you, and they're trained to help you. Okay, going forward, because I'll get stuck. Y'all know me. Therapies like trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, and somatic therapy are evidence-based approaches to rewiring your nervous system. A good therapist can help you process the original trauma and build new neural pathways. Number seven, practice self-compassion, self-love. Okay? You fawned because you had to survive. That was brilliant. That actually was brilliant. Now you're gonna learn a new way. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Recovery isn't linear. We all know that. I've spoken about that past episodes. So, you know, you have good days, you have bad days. So you definitely have to be easy on yourself as you learn to change your neural pathways. Okay. Recovering from funding is possible. It takes a lot of time, but your nervous system can learn that you're safe. That's the big thing I want y'all to take away from this. It's possible, very, very possible to change, but it takes the work. You have to put the work in. And you can't be afraid of it taking time. You have to be gentle with yourself because you're gonna have ups, you're gonna have downs, but you're gonna get there.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

If you keep going, keep doing the work, you will succeed.

SPEAKER_01 41:11

So don't give up. Your help is closer than you think. Your healing is closer than you think when it comes to that. But it's not linear. You're not, you're not gonna have all peaches and cream. You're gonna have moments where you feel like you're going backwards. But if you keep practicing what you've been taught, how to rewrite your neural pathways and things like that, you'll make it. You'll make it. I'm rooting for you. I want you to make it. No, I would go even further to say I need you to make it. Me. I personally need you to make it. I'm not here for any other reason. I'm here for you. I'm not here for me. I'm not here to hear myself speak. I'm here for you. I'm here for all of you. I want all of you to make it. I want y'all to know that your needs matter and you don't have to disappear to be loved. Now, next week on the React series, I'm gonna do these each Wednesday. We're gonna dive into the flight response, escape avoidance, and what it means to be on the run from your own life. If you're struggling with fawning, remember you're not broken. You're stronger. You're very strong. You survived. And now you're on the path to healing. Self-care is not selfish. It's the ongoing practice of honoring yourself. And that's what sustains trust. So, but I got all the information out for you guys. I can give you some personal stuff. Fawning.

Learning To Say No In Real Life

SPEAKER_01 42:52

There are many, many, many, many times that life will present itself to give you reasons to say no. Many, many reasons for you to say no. As a person who suffered child abuse and learned how to fawn, you'll have a hard time. You'll definitely have a hard time saying no. You'll feel bad for saying no. You feel like you're letting them down for saying no. Even if you don't want to do it, and it's okay if you don't want to do something. That's your right to say no. You don't have to appease everybody. But as a childhood trauma survivor, that rewiring of your mind to prevent yourself from future trauma is leading you down a path to becoming a yes person because you're trying to avoid the trauma in the future. You might not even ever be in danger. But because your mind is still wired that way, you're still performing that way. Let me give you an example. Okay, here we go. I was at a point I was going to school and I was trying to save as much money as I could. I left the job. I took a buyout. So I used part of the money to go to school. And while I was going to school, I had uh stopped living in my apartment. I stayed with my sister for a moment. And a friend of mine called me up and asked me to stay with him because his grandfather passed. I didn't want to stay with him. I'm trying to get my life situated. I was doing good in school. I was getting age. Like, I don't think me dealing with grief at that moment was the best call for me because I'm in school. I'm trying to get this certification so I can have something under my belt, you know. Working in a field that I want to work in. Something I could pass on a, you know, possible future family, you know, if I did have some children. And it was a decent profession that I was trying to get into, but I could not say no to this person. They're a good friend, you know? And I felt their pain, their loss. I heard it in their voice. I could not say no. Even though I didn't want, I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay focused, but I went anyway. That's just an instant where you feel like you want to tell somebody no. And it wouldn't have been a bad thing to say no. It's not like you were trying to hurt anybody. It's not like I was gonna die because I said no, but I said yes, and I went. So that's just one example. One example. I got plenty of examples. You know, like work examples. Somebody asking me to do something, I don't want to do. I might say no at first, but then I cave in because I know I'm gonna say yes anyway, but I didn't want to make it look like I was just gonna cave in. The fact of the matter is I didn't want to do that, period. I did it anyway. Did that help me out in the long run? Did I get a promotion? No, I was just used for that moment. And then yeah, funny puts you in positions where you will be used. Fender people asking me to buy them stuff. No, caveman. Buy them stuff. Friends ask me to buy them clothes. No, I buy them stuff. Women asking me to do things, buy them stuff. No, I buy them stuff. Funny. It keeps you out of conflict, but it creates this thing in you where you begin to kind of hate yourself because it's hard for you to say no, and you want to say no, and you know it's putting you into a precarious situation with a person that you might not even want to be involved with. So, yeah. It's a bad thing in adulthood. There are a lot of what do you think a scammer is? Scammers are not nice people. They appear to be friendly in everything up front, but they're just using you. They're manipulating you. And you think they wouldn't manipulate a person who's already easily manipulated, uh easily able to be manipulated? Then they pouncing on you. So, no. No, have to learn to say no. It's imperative to your livelihood to start saying no. Set boundaries. Let people know you can't walk over you. Well, they can't walk over you. They can't just say anything to you. And as I become this person leaving this shell of myself who was a serious wonder saying yes to everything, as I'm leaving that and I start saying no to people, people catching attitudes. I'm noticing that. When I start saying no, who is he to say no to me? Type situations. Like he always said yes before. Now he's saying no. What I don't know what changed. I'm always supposed to say yes to you. Well, they're so used to me saying yes, they just take it and use it and run with it. But guess what? New day. Sun is rising. What's gone in yesterday is forever gone. We're starting a new day. The sun is raising up today. Maybe the sun has raised up yesterday, but this is a new day. This is not yesterday. Yesterday is frozen in time. It's never the return. You never have to accept what you don't want to accept.

Hope, Next Week Preview, And Closing

SPEAKER_01 48:54

Look, I'm at the end of the show. I just want to thank everybody for coming. Thank you for showing up. I hope this information helps you. If it helped, leave a comment. Let me know what you think. If if you think this will help somebody, please share this podcast, this broadcast with somebody. Let them know that somebody's out there trying to help.

SPEAKER_00 49:16

I got good. Or somebody's child that needs it, you know? I got a good friend right now that's going through some plan of custody. Attain custody of the child. Can't help that person.

SPEAKER_01 49:55

I just pray to God that they can listen to the show and get some information for the person that they need to share it with. Well, that that's pretty much my time for tonight.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Remember, we have a special guest coming up on the 9th and on the 16th. I'm gonna try to keep breath. To tell you guys, there is hope.

SPEAKER_01 50:31

People are coming out from underneath this veil of darkness, shame, fear, and guilt. You guys can as well. I'm gonna try to help you get there. And with that being said, go on over to Pellsymporium.com. Check it out, man. It's good merchandise over there. I designed it myself.

SPEAKER_00 51:03

And if you do like the show, like, share, comment, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 51:07

You know, but do us both a favor and do that to help to keep this conversation going. Keep keep telling people. Just keep keep going around. Hey, you know about this guy running this show called Terror to Triumph? Just spread the word.

SPEAKER_00 51:26

You don't even have to like. Keep your head on the swivel.

SPEAKER_01 51:42

And remember, help is closer than you think. This is Terra to Triumph. I'm Alfonso Pelton. I'm so glad you came by today. Y'all have a good night, all right? Love you all.