14 Why Doing It All Is Slowly Burning You Out

Feel like you’re the one everyone depends on? The fixer, the problem solver, the one who always says yes? In this episode of Cupcakes and Clarity, Lisa Pirinelli breaks down the hidden cost of being the “go-to” person in every area of your life and why what once felt like your strength may now be the very thing keeping you overwhelmed, exhausted, and stuck in a cycle you can’t seem to escape.

If you’ve been feeling stretched thin, constantly “on,” and like your brain never shuts off, this conversation will help you finally see what’s happening and give you a way to shift it starting today.

What listeners will learn:

• Why being the “go-to” person can quietly create overwhelm and burnout over time.
• How constant availability trains others to rely on you for everything.
• The real reason “just slow down” advice doesn’t work for high-achieving women.
• What a true pause looks like and why it feels safer than stopping completely.
• How to create small moments of space without dropping your responsibilities.
• Simple phrases you can use to set boundaries without overexplaining.
• Why delegation starts with shifting your identity, not just your behavior.
• How one small pause can create clarity, confidence, and immediate change.

FAQ:

Why is it so hard to stop jumping in and fixing everything?

Because your identity has been built around being reliable, capable, and helpful, so changing that behavior can feel uncomfortable at first.

How do I set boundaries without feeling like I’m letting people down?

By using simple, supportive language that shifts responsibility back to others while still showing trust and respect.

What are examples of phrases I can use instead of immediately helping?

You can say things like “What do you think makes the most sense?” or “Take a first pass and I’ll review it.”

Download Your Copy of the "Pause and Delegate Cheat Sheet" here:

https://www.lisapirinelli.com/pause 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Cupcakes and Clarity, a podcast for high achieving limit, want success, and fulfillment without burning it all down. I'm your host, Lisa Carinelli, and every Tuesday I'm bringing you honest conversations on practical strategies to help you create more balance, purpose, and joy in your work and your life. This is a heart to heart with the heart. Together we'll get real about the challenges you face, and you'll leave every episode feeling clear, confident, and inspired to make your next chapter your best one.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Hi, welcome back to Cupcakes and Clarity. I'm Lisa Carnelly. And there's a certain kind of woman I work with, and if this is you, you'll feel it almost immediately. You're the one everyone goes to. At work, at home, maybe in your friend group. You're the fixer, the problem solver, the one who just handles it. And for a long time, that's worked. It's been your edge, your identity, maybe even your badge of honor. But lately, it's feeling different. It's heavier, it's louder, like your brain never fully turns off. And even in the quiet moments, you don't actually feel at rest. Maybe you wake up and already you're running through your list before your feet even hit the floor. You're answering texts while brushing your teeth, solving problems that technically aren't even yours. You walk into work or open your laptop and it's immediate. People are asking, can you take a look at this? Or quick question? Or do you have a minute? And you always do. Because it's faster if you just handle it. Because you don't want things to fall through the cracks. Because honestly, you don't trust that it will get done the way you would do it. So you keep going and going and going. And I completely understand how quickly and easily this becomes your default. The other morning, I suddenly woke up an hour before my alarm, and my brain just hit the ground running. No good morning, no stretch and yawn with a gentle awakening. My brain just went straight into work mode. And I felt so energized and inspired. And a part of me loved this quiet alone time where I could be so focused. And the streaming ideas seemed amazing. It was awesome until I checked the time and I realized I wanted that extra sleep. I wanted to turn down the volume. But sometimes the brain just keeps going. I didn't give up though, and I didn't get up. I actually did stay and I rested. Eventually, my mind slowed a little bit. And I at least held the boundary with myself that I tried to rest. It's at least what I was telling myself. Sometimes the hardest boundaries to hold are with ourselves. And it takes practice to teach ourselves, and definitely requires us to teach others our boundaries. And the part that might feel a little uncomfortable, but also incredibly freeing once you see it, you're not just responding to the demand. You've trained the demand. Not intentionally, not consciously, and but definitely consistently. You've become so reliable, so capable, so available that everyone around you has learned, just ask her. She'll know, she'll take care of it. You're the go-to person for all things. So every week I like to share a cupcake moment about finding the joy and the chaos, or trying to understand how we can shift the way we think and create connections with ourselves or with others. So this week's cupcake moment is a great example of being everything to everyone. And then having that moment where realization kicks in that this habit of being always available is in full effect. So I had a client, she's high-level, incredibly sharp, the kind of woman everyone depends on. She came to a call completely maxed out. She said, I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone needs something for me. My team, my clients, my kids. I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred directions. And as she's talking, text and notifications are going off, and her phone is lighting up. Email is pinging in the background. And without even thinking, mid-sentence, she starts responding, starts typing, she's answering, she's fixing. While telling me, and now looking at her other monitor, completely disengaged from the conversation that is about her for her, scheduled by her, saying she has no time. So I asked her to do something really uncomfortable. I said, Can you just stop for a second? And she kind of laughed, like I didn't understand her life. But she paused for maybe 10 seconds. And then she said, Oh. And I said, What? And she goes, half of these I don't actually need to respond to right now. And a few of these I shouldn't be responding to at all. And that was it. Nothing in her life changed in that moment, but everything shifted because she saw it. Finally saw it. That moment, that's what I want for you. Not a complete life overhaul, just a moment long enough to see clearly. And your body knows this is needed. Even if you haven't fully connected the dots, the tension in your shoulders, the 3 a.m. wake ups, the constant low-level anxiety, that feeling like you can never really totally catch up. And maybe it's because you've told yourself this is just what success feels like. This is just what is required to be successful and try to manage life at the same time. You are the glue holding it all together for everyone. And this is where most advice completely misses. You'll hear just slow down or take a break. That doesn't work when your plate is already full. And I remember a time when I was at my most stressed. It was back in my corporate days, and all of these seemingly random, unconnected symptoms started showing up in my body. So I went to my doctor. And he looked at me and said, very simply, you need to slow down. You need to take a break. And I remember sitting there thinking, like my client was looking at me, you have no idea. That wasn't even a viable option in my world at that time. Everyone around me was working long hours, always available, constantly on. So the idea of me slowing down or taking a break, it didn't feel like a solution. It felt like failure, like weakness, like everyone would think less of me or that I wasn't capable. Like I would be the one person who couldn't keep up. So mentally I was like, hard past, not happening. Not even an option. Now, the reality was he wasn't wrong. And a part of me even knew that then. But in hindsight, I now know he was actually spot on. But the problem was he was asking me to go from a hundred miles an hour to a full stop overnight, with no real proof that it would help, and a whole lot of perceived risk that it would cost me everything I'd worked so hard for. And if I'm being really honest, part of me also felt like he didn't fully understand the weight of what that meant for me, being a woman in a very male-dominated environment where perception and performance and reliability felt like everything. He was kind. He was trying to help. I just couldn't make that big of a leap. I didn't trust it would work. I had no proof. I had no experience even seeing that as an option. But what I wish I had heard was something much smaller, much more doable, which is to pause. Because a pause doesn't mean you're stopping everything. A pause is where you breathe, where you think, where you reevaluate direction. And most importantly, it feels safe enough to actually try. Because the problem was never that I couldn't slow down. It's that no one showed me how to start small enough to trust it. And that's exactly where most people get stuck. They think the only options are all in or all out. I gotta keep going or I need to completely stop. So of course you keep going because stopping feels impossible. It's not even feasible. It's you can't even see it. So what do you do? But there is something in between that changes everything. And it's simple. It's the pause. So a pause is not an hour, it's not a day off, it's not disappearing from your responsibilities. A pause is 10 seconds before you say yes, before you answer, before you jump in, and in that moment you ask, is this actually mine to carry? Because right now it probably looks a little more like this. You see a message come in and you respond immediately. You see a problem and you solve it before anyone else tries. You hear silence and you fill it with action. But what would happen if, for just once, you did it? Let me make this really real for you. You're in the middle of your own work, finally focusing, and a message pops up. Hey, quick question. Do you know where that file is? Or can you review this before I send it? And without even thinking, you stop what you're doing, you go find the file, you open the document, you fix it, you send the solution back because it's faster, because it's easier, because you don't want it done wrong. And now your work is pushed, your focus is gone, and they've just learned, you'll always step in. Or at home, imagine this. I can clearly see this for myself. I know this is one that at work I can do pretty well, but at home, this is sometimes where it creeps back in, and practice needs to continue to happen. It's oh, I'm not even gonna lie, it's a work in progress. This is something that we will always have to practice because if you're someone who's high achieving, high performing, these habits can slip back in. Imagine you're making dinner and you're answering a text, you're half listening to someone tell you about their day, and someone says, Mom, where's my uniform? Or did you sign that form? Or somebody says, What's the plan for tomorrow? And you answer immediately. Even if you're the one who's been holding all of it together already, even if they could probably figure it out. Now, imagine this instead. The same message comes in, the same question gets asked, and you pause just for a few seconds. And instead of jumping in, you say, take a look and let me know what you find. Or what do you think makes the most sense? Or even give me a minute, I'll get back to you. And I know what just happened in your body when I said that. A little tension, possibly a little hesitation, because part of you is thinking, it would just be easier if I did it. And you're not wrong. It would be easier in the moment. But it's also the exact thing that keeps you in the cycle. That moment right there, that's the work, that's the shift to make real positive change. Not a life overhaul, not burning everything down, just creating enough space to choose differently. And I know one of the biggest questions that comes up right here is okay, this is all great, but what do I actually say? Because it's one thing to pause, it's another thing to not immediately jump in and fix it. So let me make this really easy for you. You don't need a whole new communication style. You just need a few go-to phrases you can lean on in the moment. So instead of jumping in with the answer, try what do you think makes the most sense? Because this one puts the thinking back on them. Maybe you could say, take a first pass and I'll review it. So this one, you're still being supportive, but not doing it for them. It also gives you time, right? If you're in some in the middle of something, this like take, let's go back, review it, gives you that little bit extra time. Or you could say, where have you already looked? This is a great one. Like, mom, where are my pants? Where's my jersey? Where have you already looked? This creates awareness without judgment. But it this is also like, where's the file? Have you seen this email? Do you know what the answer to this is? Like at work, it could be something like, Do you know the date? Do you know when that meeting is? You know, something like that. And they're like, where have you already looked for that? Or did you check that email? Send it back to them. So that creates awareness without judgment. And then another one you could say is, I trust your judgment, just go ahead and decide. This is also a good one if someone's like, hey, where do you want to go to lunch? That's not necessarily a work thing, it could be, but if someone's like, where should we go? You can just say, I trust your judgment, just go ahead and decide and let me know where you where we're going. That one builds confidence fast. And then at home, it might sound something like, What's your plan? Check where it is, you where it usually is first, or I'm in the middle of something, give me a minute. That one I love, especially at home. I'm in the middle of something, give me a minute, because the reality is it's true. Most likely you are in the middle of something. And so setting that boundary of I need to finish what I'm doing first, and then I can help you, is setting the tone there. So you're it's all true. It feels authentic, and it's also teaching someone your boundary of I need to finish what I'm doing first, I will be with you in a minute. Obviously, if it's an emergency, you would not do that, but it most of the time it's not really emergencies, right? That we're getting. It's all these little, these little helper moments where someone just isn't thinking for themselves, and maybe the item is literally right in front of them. Not trying to call anybody out in our families, but you know, that happens. And then if you need a little space before responding at all, so you truly just don't want to answer right now, you need that space. You can always say, let me think about that and get back to you. That's it. You don't need to overexplain, you don't need to justify just a simple shift like that. It creates space for you and growth for everyone around you. And yes, at first, it might feel uncomfortable. This is a hard habit that you've done for a very long time. So it has become a default. And like I said earlier, it is something that even I still have to work at at times, especially when it comes to like family things, because that's somewhere where I can just let my boundaries go a little bit easier because I'm just everything's been too comfortable for so long, or it's been such a habit that's been created. So it might feel uncomfortable and you might feel a pull to jump back in to fix it, to make it easier. But that discomfort, that is a sign that you're doing something different. And different is what breaks the cycle. Every time you pause instead of jumping in, you're teaching people how to show up without you. And if you're like me, I need these in front of me so I actually use them, especially until be they become something that I've practiced enough that they are kind of locked and loaded into my brain. So I created a simple pause and delegate cheat sheet you can download. It has these exact phrases so you don't have to think in the moment. And you can grab it at LisaParinelli.com forward slash pause. And if you're listening to this and thinking, okay, I can see this, but I don't even know where to start separating what's mine and what's not. That's exactly why I offer free consultation calls. It's simply a space for you to talk through what's going on and get a feel for whether having someone support you in getting clear on your next steps is what you want. You can sign up at LisaParinelli.com forward slash connect, and we'll walk through your real life situation in real time so you can start to see where your time, energy, and mental load are actually going. And you'll leave knowing whether having someone walk alongside you in this season feels like the right next step because this isn't about doing less randomly. It's about finally getting clear on what actually matters to you. So if this is hitting for you, let's talk. No pressure, just clarity with support. So back to the pause. The hardest part of this isn't time, it's identity. Being the one who does it all has been a part of who you are. So pausing, delegating, saying no feels like I'm dropping the ball, or I'm letting people down, right? You're setting a new expectation. It's different. But but you're not letting people down. You're not dropping the ball. You're just leading differently. Clarity doesn't take months, it happens fast. When you actually pause long enough to see what's yours, what's not, and what needs to change, the shift is immediate. The time comes from building the capacity to follow through on what you now know. Right now it feels like everyone is asking something of you, but the truth is you haven't given them another way. You haven't set the boundary, you haven't created the expectation, you haven't let them try, so of course they keep coming back. And listen, some of them are capable. They're just comfortable because you've made it easy. And if part of you is thinking, I should be able to figure this out on my own, of course you think that. You've figured out everything on your own. But this isn't about capability, it's about perspective. So here's your next step for today. Take one pause. That's it. One moment where you don't immediately respond, where you breathe and choose. Because you don't have to burn your life down to feel better. You don't need more time. You need more awareness in the time you already have. Because sometimes the smallest pause creates the biggest shift. And you might just realize you were never meant to carry all of this alone. Thank you for joining me today on this episode. I hope you found some great tips in this. And if you felt seen, just know you're not alone. This is a practice that I am also going through. And most of us are. And we just got to keep practicing. And I will see you in the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Cupcakes and Clarity. If today's conversation inspired you and you'd like even more tips and strategies tailored to your life, go to LisaParinelli.com forward slash resources for more self-guided tools. And if you're ready for personal support to help you navigate what's holding you back, I'd love to meet you. Head over to LisaParinelli.com to schedule your free consultation call. New episodes drop every Tuesday, so be sure to follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. And if you enjoyed today's episode, it would mean so much if you shared it with a friend or leave a quick review. Until next time, here's to creating more clarity, confidence, and joy in your life, one cupcake at a time.