18 The Hidden Question Driving Your Overthinking

If you've ever spent time researching, journaling, praying, making pros and cons lists, and asking everyone for advice, only to feel just as stuck as when you started, this episode is for you. In this episode of Cupcakes and Clarity, Lisa Pirinelli explores why overthinking often isn't a sign that you need more information. Instead, it may be a sign that you're trying to solve the wrong problem. 

Lisa also shares a practical reflection exercise to help you uncover what's really keeping you stuck so you can move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

What listeners will learn:

• Why overthinking often feels productive but rarely creates clarity.
• The difference between a visible problem and the real issue underneath it.
• How hidden fears and expectations influence decision-making.
• Why gathering more information doesn't always lead to better decisions.
• The emotional pressure that often hides beneath career and life transitions.
• How guilt can masquerade as a boundary problem.
• Why certainty is often the thing we're actually seeking.
• How unrealistic expectations create unnecessary overwhelm.
• A simple exercise to uncover the real problem your brain is trying to solve.
• Why smaller, clearer next steps create more momentum than endless analysis.

Reflection Exercise - Choose one situation you've been mentally circling.

Ask yourself:

What problem do I think I'm solving?

What do I believe solving this will give me?

What am I afraid will happen if I don't solve it?

FAQ:

Why do I keep overthinking important decisions?

Overthinking often happens because you're trying to eliminate uncertainty before taking action. Many people believe they need complete confidence before making a decision, but the real issue is often fear of regret, failure, or disappointing others rather than a lack of information.

How do I know if I'm solving the wrong problem?

If you've spent a significant amount of time researching, analyzing, or seeking advice and still feel stuck, there may be a deeper issue underneath the visible problem. Ask yourself what you're hoping the solution will give you and what you're afraid will happen if you don't find the answer.

Why doesn't more information help me feel more confident?

Information can be helpful, but it doesn't always address emotional concerns such as fear, guilt, uncertainty, or self-doubt. When the real challenge is emotional, gathering more facts often creates more overwhelm rather than more clarity. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Cupcakes and Clarity, a podcast for high achieving women who want success and fulfillment without burning it all down. I'm your host, Lisa Pirinelli, and every Tuesday I'm bringing you honest conversations and practical strategies to help you create more balance, purpose, and joy in your work and your life. Think of this as a heart to heart with a trusted part. Together we'll get real about the challenges you face, and you'll leave every episode feeling clear, confident, and inspired to make your next chapter your best life.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Hi, welcome back to Cupcake on Clarity. I'm Lisa Perinelli. And today I want to talk about something I see all the time with women who are trying really hard to make the right decision but still feel stuck anyway. They are not avoiding the problem. They are actively trying to solve it. And usually these are high-performing women who are trying to make deeply responsible decisions about work or business, relationships, or life transitions. And they're exhausted from carrying the pressure of trying to get it right without blowing up the life they've worked hard to build. And they have thought about it, they've prayed about it, journaled about it, talked it through, researched it, listened to podcasts while folding laundry, trying to figure things out. And somehow they still feel frustrated and not ready to take the next step. And it's not because they haven't thought about it enough, not because they are incapable of taking the step. It's usually because they're trying to solve the wrong part of the problem. And I know that sounds simple, but once you see this pattern, you start seeing it everywhere. And this is one of the core things I help women identify inside the Freedom App process, because most women are trying to solve the visible problem while the real source of the pressure stays hidden underneath it. Because you think you need to make a decision. But underneath decision is another question quietly driving the whole thing. And if you never identify that question, you can spend months trying to force clarity while accidentally making yourself more overwhelmed. I talked a little bit in earlier episodes about, you know, we talked about getting clear on what matters most, your values, and why decisions stop feeling like decisions and they start feeling like pressure you can't turn off. But what I want to talk to you today about is going deeper into what is actually what it actually looks like in real life. Because this is the part people usually don't realize when they're in it. Most people don't wake up one morning dramatically confused about their entire life. It usually looks way more normal than that. It looks like it's like when you open your phone and you try to research the best option. It looks like constantly asking people what they think and then somehow losing sight of your own opinion afterward, or venting your frustrations, but not really wanting or agreeing with any of the advice being thrown your way. It looks like rewriting the same to-do list over and over because your brain keeps insisting that if you organize it correctly enough, you'll finally feel in control. Like color coding or some new form of a to-do list will actually create the space in time for you to get it all done. It looks like being exhausted from thinking. And a lot of the time from the outside, nobody even realizes how overwhelmed you are because you're still functioning. You're still showing up for work. You're still answering emails and taking care of people and handling the responsibilities and getting things done while mentally carrying all of this in the background. That's the part people are usually trying to think their way out of. Because if you can stop the overthinking, there is relief. And whether the next step seems easy or hard, you will at least know clearly what it is so you can move forward. One thing I see a lot is people they can clearly describe what's wrong, that visible problem, but not what's actually driving it. So I hear things like, I don't know whether to leave my job, or I have too many people asking things of me and I'm burning out. Um, or I'll hear like someone start self-critiquing, or start you hear things like, I need better boundaries, or I can't stay motivated, I'm overwhelmed. And those are all very real experiences, but they're usually not the full story. And this is where we start doing the deeper work inside the Freedom Map process, not because there's more to figure out, but because they're usually solving the wrong layer of it. Because once we identify the actual problem underneath that visible one, the next step usually becomes much more doable. Because we stop trying to force making a clear decision through endless thinking, and we start identifying the actual emotional pressure, the fear, the expectation, or the conflict driving the indecision in the first place. So let's take a look at a the career example, because this is one I often see, and I think it's pretty relatable. Okay, so imagine someone comes to me saying, I cannot decide whether to leave my job. And she's not being reckless about it. This isn't someone who woke up annoyed after a bad Monday. She's been thinking about this for months, maybe even close to a year, and she's trying really hard to make a responsible decision, one she won't regret. Because this isn't just about changing jobs. It feels tied to her financial security, her identity, and the expectations other people have of her, and whether she's allowed to want something different after working this hard to build a successful life. So she does what a lot of thoughtful people do, and she starts researching, trying to make it feel like if she just gathers enough information, the answer will eventually show up. And so she opens spreadsheets, she starts building out some categories, she tries to turn on all the un turn all that uncertainty into something she can actually compare side by side. She's making it a math problem. And she's hoping the answer will become obvious after she really considers uh like her salary and the benefits and the flexibility. Are there growth opportunities? What's her commute time? What's the stress levels and what is the future potential? So she thinks through all of that, and then she talks it through with her partner, hoping something in that conversation will create a clear win-win outcome this time. Like maybe they'll notice the things she's been missing. Or she's hoping that something they say will like make it click that's gonna like reassure her. And maybe they'll say, Yeah, you've already outgrown this place. But instead, they say something reasonable, like, well, yeah, I can see both sides, which honestly just makes her more frustrated. And then after that, she checks in with her friends, not in for the answers exactly, you know, like just hoping someone will finally again say something that just makes sense or something clicks, like they'll have the answer, and you know, and it do you always have those friends that are like, Don't leave, the economy is weird right now. And then you've got one that'll say, You only live once, and then someone will say, You should trust your gut. And again, not meaning well, those are all meaningwell, those are great, you know, attempts to help, but now she has six opinions, and somehow now she feels even less clear than before. So what's the next step? Yeah, it goes like then you start taking quizzes or assessments, or you start reading articles and you know, anything that feels like it might give that clearer signal than your own thinking. And none of those are bad ideas, by the way. I just want to be clear on that. That is important to acknowledge. In this case, she's not doing anything wrong, she's trying to solve the problem intelligently, but eventually when we work together, we slow the whole thing down and realize every single thing she's trying is attempting to answer the same question. How do I know this decision is safe before I make it? That's very different than should I leave? And once we identify that, everything changes because now we're not trying to squeeze certainty out of a career choice. Now we're looking at what she actually believes she needs before she trusts herself enough to move. And that's a much more useful conversation because now we're identifying the conditions she believes she needs before she's allowed to move forward, instead of endlessly analyzing job pros and cons, hoping like certainty will just magically appear. And this is why generic advice can feel so frustrating at times, because people will say things like, just trust yourself. And then you think, okay, but what does that actually mean when I have a paycheck to get, to pay my bills? Or someone might say something like, follow your passion. I see that one posted a lot online, like follow your passion, follow your heart. And sure, those that's beautiful, beautiful sentiment, but you still have bills and responsibilities, kids, a mortgage. So a lot of advice skips the middle. And the middle is where most people actually live. And that's the part I care about. So here's another example. Someone says, I need better boundaries. So they may word it differently, but the heart of what they're saying is, I need better boundaries. It may sound some, you know, worded differently. And at first glance, that sounds accurate. Her phone never stops buzzing. People need things from her constantly. She says yes automatically, even when she doesn't want to, because she's become the dependable one, the capable one, right? The one everyone trusts to handle things. And then after a while, it becomes very hard to tell the difference between being genuinely helpful and feeling emotionally responsible for everyone around you. And then by the end of the day, she feels irritated at the people she actually cares about and confused about why everything feels like too much. So naturally, she assumes she needs better communication, better time management, better ways to get out of saying yes. Like, how do I say no without feeling bad? But again, when we slow things down and really look at them, something else usually appears. Because the issue often isn't I don't know how to say no. It's saying no feels emotionally difficult. That's a very different problem. So one woman I worked with, she realized every time someone was asking something of her, her brain immediately translated that into, if I don't help, I'm selfish. So she's not struggling with boundaries. She's struggling with what saying no means about her. Of course, saying no feels hard when your brain is treating it like it means you're a bad person. So she wasn't struggling with time management. She didn't actually need to do some kind of management of her calendar. She was trying not to feel guilty all day long. And that changes the next step completely because now we stop obsessing over perfect wording and start looking at the actual pressure driving the behavior. So a quick pause here because if you're listening to this and thinking, okay, this is exactly what my brain does. That is literally why I created the Freedom Map Clarity session. It's a 90-minute session for high capacity women who are mentally exhausted from carrying a decision, transition, or pressure they cannot seem to get clear on, even though they're normally the person who is capable, responsible, and good at figuring things out. A lot of the women I work with are incredibly successful on paper. But internally, they're carrying constant mental pressure, trying to hold it all together and make the right decision. Avoid disappointing people, and they keep functioning at a level that everyone expects from them. And after a while, it gets exhausting trying to entangle all of that alone. So instead of throwing more advice, motivation, or another list of things to fix at the problem, we get real about what is going on and figure out what's actually driving the mental loop. What problem are you trying, truly trying to solve? What pressure, fears, or expectations that keep pulling you back into this overthinking? And what would make the next step feel manageable instead of mentally exhausting? Because most people don't need more information. They need help seeing their situation clearly while they're still inside it. And honestly, people are often surprised at how much simpler things feel once the real issue becomes visible. So if this episode feels a little too familiar, that's exactly the kind of work we do together inside the Freedom Mab Clarity session. I'd love to work with you during the 90 minutes to help you get more clear on what actions to take that make sense for you. So I'll put the link to connect with me in the show notes. Okay, let's get back to what we were talking about. One of the biggest patterns I see is that people mistake overthinking for progress. And I understand why. I catch myself in this too. It's in our nature to overthink and it's very easy to fall back into because thinking feels productive, especially if you're someone who's used to figuring things out by thinking harder, because it feels responsible. Like if you just think about it long enough, eventually you'll reach a level of certainty where the decision becomes obvious and emotionally painless. But let's get real. Life doesn't usually work that way. And at some point, more thinking doesn't make things clearer. It just makes everything feel heavier. And I know this is something I used to do in my head where you like replay conversations and you maybe even like modify them to be like, oh, I could have said this or I should have said that. Right. And you rehearse future scenarios, you mentally argue both sides, you Google things you already know. And it's not because you're irrational, it's because your brain is trying to protect you from regret. And again, that's different than what should I do? This actually happened to me recently in kind of a smaller everyday way. And so, as you know, every episode I like to do a cupcake moment where we find joy or connection and clarity in the everyday moments. And this showed up for me recently in a way that didn't quietly sneak up on me. It pounced and tried to knock me over. So summer break was coming. The end of the school year was almost here. It is here, it is upon us now. But this was happening right before this. And my brain was trying to process how I'm going to squeeze my work into less hours so I could spend more time just being mom. And I kept telling myself things like, I need a better system. I thought I needed to reorganize my schedule. I could batch complete all my business projects into the 11th hour before school ended, so I wouldn't spend any time on it during the summer months. I could be more efficient. I could get more disciplined. And one afternoon, I found myself jumping on a coaching call with fellow coaches, tearfully sharing that I didn't know how I was gonna going to get it all done. Which honestly felt ridiculous even as I was saying it, because I knew I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to hustle to get it all done, knowing I'd just be checking off the list, I would not be enjoying it, and I would not be sharing in real time the work I really love to do. And then it suddenly hit me, nothing was wrong with the system. I was trying to fit 12 hours of expectations into six hours of actual human capacity. And honestly, I think a lot of women quietly live inside that pressure all the time, trying to be fully present in their lives while also maintaining the level of success, reliability, and productivity they train themselves to expect from who they are. I didn't need another productivity hack. I needed to stop treating unrealistic expectations like something I was supposed to be able to keep up with. That's a different problem with a different solution. And then honestly, this is the exact pattern I help clients recognize all the time. The visible stress usually isn't the real thing keeping them stuck. And weirdly enough, once I saw the real issue, I stopped spinning. Not because life suddenly became perfect, because I was finally solving the correct thing. This is also why I think so many people feel frustrated after consuming endless self-help content, because they leave with more concepts, but not necessarily more clarity. They understand themselves intellectually, but they still don't know, okay, what do I actually do with this situation? And that's where I think practical reflection matters more than endless introspection. You do not need to spend six hours analyzing your past choices every time you have a hard decision. Sometimes you need someone to help connect the dots between what's happening, what you're telling yourself about it, and what would actually make the next step easier. That's usually where things start to make more sense. And honestly, it's usually much simpler than people expect once you stop trying to solve 12 emotional problems at the same time. So before we end today, I want you to try something. I'm gonna give you an actual exercise to help you bring some relief to yourself if you're going through this. I want you to take one situation you keep mentally circling. Not your whole life, but just one thing and ask yourself, what problem do I think I'm solving? And then ask, what do I believe solving this will give me? Is it relief, security, approval, rest, freedom, competence? And don't judge yourself as you're doing this. Like be really honest with yourself. Remove the judgment at this point. This is you're just trying to get really clear here, and then ask, what am I afraid happens if I don't solve this? Because for high achieving women, especially, the fear underneath the decision is often bigger than the decision itself. It's that fear of failure, regret, disappointing people, or losing stability, wasting potential, falling behind, or realizing the version of success you. And don't rush through this last question because that answer usually tells you a lot. It's not in this dramatic, need her work kind of way. It's more in a that's why I keep getting stuck here kind of way. Because clarity usually doesn't come from thinking harder. It comes from identifying what problem your brain is actually trying to solve underneath all that noise. And once you can see the real issue underneath the visible leg, the next step usually gets much smaller. And the smaller steps are usually the ones you can actually follow through on. So thank you so much for spending this time with me. I will see you in the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Cupcakes and Clarity. If today's conversation inspired you and you'd like even more tips and strategies tailored to your life, go to LisaParinelli.com forward slash resources for more self-guided tools. And if you're ready for personal support to help you navigate what's holding you back, I'd love to meet you. Head over to LisaParinelli.com to schedule your free consultation call. New episodes drop every Tuesday, so be sure to follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. If you enjoyed today's episode, it would mean so much if you shared it with a friend or leave a quick review. Until next time, here's to creating more clarity, confidence, and joy in your life, one cupcake at a time.