#8: Stop Letting Rejection Control You with Whit

Rejection sucks. But for most people, rejection isn’t the real problem. Their relationship with rejection is.

In this solo episode, I’m talking about why rejection hits so hard, why so many people build watered-down lives just to avoid hearing “no,” and how to stop letting rejection define you.

I really believe, if you want anything meaningful in life, rejection is part of the deal. Relationships, business, creativity, putting yourself out there… all of it.

The goal isn’t to avoid rejection. It’s to learn how to use it

In this episode I cover:
Why rejection feels personal
How we attach rejection to our worth
Why fear of “no” keeps people small
How to reframe rejection into feedback
How to stop spiraling after setbacks
Using rejection to build confidence
Why hearing no can actually prove you care
How to keep going when it sucks

This one is honest, edgy, and for anyone tired of letting rejection run their damn life! like me! 

Subscribe, share, like, comment...I love hearing from yall and it really does help the show more than anything else!

Follow Whitney on IG: @whitnlove

TikTok: @whitnlove

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up, my pretty messy humans? I'm doing a solo podcast today on rejection, rejection, because it's something that we all deal with, we all feel. And I was in the throes of it for a hot minute, not too recently. And I was just feeling it, man. I just was in it, you know. And I feel like we look at other people, right? And we see their life and we're like, oh my God, they're absolutely crushing it because maybe they accomplished this or they accomplished that. And we don't get to see like the inner workings of it because nobody shows that. We're only seeing what people want us to see. And we see like the end goal of it. And we know there's so many steps in between in between, but we don't allow ourselves to think about what it took to get there, how many times they wanted to quit, or how much they heard no, or got rejected, and how they made that rejection mean something about them personally, and how honestly, like it's not just hearing no, or it's not just being ghosted, or it's not just being rejected. It's really like takes it down to how many times that person hasn't been enough or hasn't been chosen or something came up in their childhood. And that's what the rejection starts to mean. It like goes so freaking deep. So I just wanted to talk about that a little bit today. I was actually supposed to do a podcast with someone that I'm super stoked to do a podcast with. Her name is Amanda Nelson, and she's like a fashion influencer, but she's also kind of like your unofficial therapist online. Um, she calls everybody out in the best way possible. She does not sugarcoat or BS anything, which, if you know me, I am fucking here for that. Because I think we need a little bit more call outness in our life. We've gotten a little soft. Okay. We have gotten a little soft, if you ask me. And sometimes we just need a bitch to be like, uh-uh, honey. This is not what we're doing right now. Okay. We got to start choosing differently. We got to start moving differently. And sometimes it just takes somebody like to slap us out of that. And um, anyways, she's awesome, but we're gonna have her on the show on the show. She has a super cute baby boy who got sick and she had to take care of that, and she's a mama, and mom, mom life comes first, second, third, fourth, fifth, all the way to 100 before a stupid little podcast like this, okay? Or basically before anything. And um, which is something that I'm learning too. Like, I've talked a little bit about this, but pregnancy has totally shifted my mindset on a lot of things, like what is actually important and like how far up my own ass I was before I got pregnant. Good God. So many of us are just so far up there that we can't even see straight. And pregnancy, knowing that there is someone who is fully relying on me and is going to fully rely on who I am as an individual, puts into perspective what matters, what doesn't matter, what is petty, where I want to put my intention and attention. And it's been pretty freeing. I'm not gonna lie. I kind of wish I had this perspective a little bit earlier. It would have come in handy. All right, let's get into the rejection part of things. Let me tell you a little bit of story about why this is coming up for me recently, because I was in the throes of rejection and God was I being dramatic about it. Here's the thing: when I started thinking about it, now that I'm on the other side of it, um, and like I said, you're seeing the other side of it. You're not seeing the throes of it. Even though I tried to do a podcast during that, just so I could get like all the real raw emotions for y'all out, it was just not, it wasn't clicking and I wasn't gonna force it because why? You know? But as some of y'all know, for the last probably eight months, I've been working on a book, a book idea. And we've been putting together this proposal, which has gone through so many iterations that we finally landed where it should be. It's going to call be called pretty messy human, just like this show, because I feel like it fully encompasses like who we are as individuals. We're all trying to figure this thing called life out and we're doing it, and it's going to be messy. There's never a point, I think, in life, where it's going to be clean, clear, and concise and you got it all figured out. No, everything is going to just constantly be messy. It's just how you use that mess and how you embrace that mess and and how you like usually when you're in a mess, you're in pain. So, how can we use your pain to the advantage to make sure that you're getting something out of it? Because you don't want to just feel like shit just to feel like shit. You know what I mean? Like if you're going through a breakup, you might as well get something good on the other side of that because I don't want to just go through pain just to go through pain. Um, and that's kind of like the premise of the book. And it goes through my whole story from childhood up until now with through past relationships. I talk a lot about things that I've never said publicly. I've only said to some of my closest friends. So it's a um it's a real thing. And that process for me has been super challenging because you have to like, you gotta dive deep into yourself, at least for me. I want to give you something that is fully me, and I have to be able to sign off on that. Like there are a lot of people that can do things and just put it out there into the world and not have a whole lot of not not have like their blood, sweat, and tears and like their hands in on it. And I just I can't do that. I kind of envy some of those people. But I went there and we went through so many iterations. How I first started writing the book is pretty not is like not the same to how it's coming out now. But anyways, I landed an agent, which was amazing. Um, and I just that was a dream come true for sure. But that was a process in and of itself because you are pitching this creation, and for me, it was a very vulnerable creation. But when you're pitching something to somebody else to say, yes, I like it, or no, I don't like it, or yes, I want to be your agent, or no, I don't want to be your agent, you're still dealing with rejection. And you want everyone to love your stuff, right? I mean, I I'm not scared to admit. I want people to like my stuff, I want people to love it. All right. I put a lot of work into it. I want people to love it and I like the praise of it. And I just don't know if there's a person on the planet who's just like, yep, I'm gonna make it. I don't really care what people think about it. And if they do, can I bottle up that feeling and drink it for breakfast every morning? Because I need that. But I think the majority, I'll say the majority of us, really want people to like the things that we put our time and energy into. And this was this was tough. Um, but we landed an agent and I feel very confident within that. So I felt good about that. We tweaked the proposal just a little bit again, and um, we've been pitching it to publishing houses to get a book deal. And that is where rejection has shown up and has taken me for a ride. Okay. And I thought I was gonna handle this a lot better because I actually knew that rejection was going to come. I knew that being in an industry like writing or the entertainment industry or something creative, you hear no, and that just comes with the territory. Um, and I expected that. I expected to hear no's. I wasn't going to get 100% yeses. But when the no's started coming in, at first, I was totally fine. I was like, oh, yep, expected that no to come in, expected that no to come in. That's great. We're just sifting through. We got this. But as the day went on, my ego got super riled up. That girl was like, What do you mean? And they said no. Oh my God. I made it mean that I was a terrible writer, that I didn't have a story worth telling, that I shouldn't be doing this, that I've known all along, since the time that I was a little girl, that, you know, I'm not good enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not good enough of a writer. And you just start to make it mean so much more than just maybe it's not the right fit for them, and that's all it has to mean. It's like I was thinking that rejection was the thing that was ruining my life. But really, when it comes down to it, it's what we make that rejection mean that's actually affecting how we feel about our life. And I am a pro overthinker. A lot of people think that I'm not that, that I'm very laid back, and I am because I can kind of talk myself out of it. But God, I overthink so much and overanalyze and want to like see where each path is going. And usually I take it to the furthest extreme and it's just super annoying. Um, and I was definitely doing that with the rejections that were coming in for my book proposal to sell this book. And I just have to normalize really quickly because when we're talking about rejection, we gotta normalize that rejection hurts. We all feel it. And it's okay that it hurts. It means that you cared about the project or the person or the thing that you were doing that got rejected. You put care and time in it. So when someone says, no, that's not for me, it sucks. And that isn't you being dramatic. Like our brain processes rejection the same way as it processes pain. It hurts. So when you're like, why does it feel like I'm dying? It's because your body is like feeling physical pain. And you're not reacting to the actual rejection, you're reacting to all the times that you haven't been chosen or haven't felt enough. All of that is coming in together to make you feel like a piece of crap when you hear the word no. And then on top of that, it's like you lose all of your confidence because of the story that you made rejection actually mean. And it's really hard to get that bad. But rejection isn't the thing that steals your confidence. Like what you make it mean steals your confidence. You agreeing with your rejection, usually like whatever you think is the worst flaw about yourself, you'll go ahead and agree with that. Even if you have no clue that the other person is even thinking that, you'll create this in your head and be like, yep, agreed. I am a loser. That's what I was doing when I was getting these rejections coming in. Um, I mean, I was like taking myself there and only to end up in the place to where I found my yes. And that is something that I do want to talk about is like reframing rejection because that can be super helpful. So when you're feeling really crappy from hearing no or someone broke up with you, whatever it is, what is the lowest hanging fruit? Like, what can you go do? For me, it was going for a walk. I needed to go for a walk. I'm looking at my window, which is why I keep looking out there. I mean, I stare at this beautiful tree and the sun shining, and I just knew that I needed to go for a walk and like clear my head. And what I started realizing was I knew that these rejections were going to come. And I knew eventually that I would find my yes. And so I started telling myself that I'm sifting through the no's to find my yes and find the person who's excited about the project because you don't want all of these yeses from people who aren't excited about the project anyway. You want to find your yes from someone who's stoked about you and what you are doing and is encouraging you and supports you and is in alignment with you. Same with the relationship. You don't want all of these, what is it, Tom, Jack, and Jills out there or whatever, who are obsessed with you if they're not the right person for you. It can get really noisy. Um, you want the people who are like, I am on your team fully. And so if you hear the no's, good, hear the fucking no's because we're getting to the yes, and that's the most important thing that we can do anyway. And that really helped just reframe where I was at in my head. Because we always hear these like um cliche sayings, right? Re-rejection is redirection when one door closes, another one opens. And it's kind of true. They're a cliche because there's truth underneath it, and might as well use it to make yourself feel better during this time. And I'm not saying that whatever you pitched or you as an individual can't become better, because that's another way to use rejection is okay, if you got rejected, if they gave you some sort of feedback or constructive criticism, can you look at that without making it mean that your biggest insecurities are right and move to become better? So, for example, um, I had a I had a publisher talk about maybe the hook of the book wasn't that strong enough, wasn't clear enough. So I sat down and I made it clearer and it made it better, and it helped me find the publishers who are now saying yes. So I was able to kind of get out of my own way and shut my ego up just a tad. So I could sit down and look at, okay, how can this actually be better? How can I use some of this criticism to get better? Um, and so that was really helpful. So if that's something that you can take in with yourself too, when it comes to relationships, if someone's like, man, you know, I really liked you, but you just weren't communicating with me. Like I did, I didn't know where you were at from day to day. And I just kind of felt like I was in the dark. Can you take that and become better from it? Can you become a better communicator because someone is reflecting to you that maybe you're not the best communicator out there? And I will tell you that basically all of us on the entire planet need to work on our communication because it is the thing, it is make it or break it when it comes to communication, particularly in relationships and not just romantic ones. Communication is key. Okay. So if you're thinking to yourself, well, shit, maybe that's me, yeah, it probably is. And we can all get better at communicating. Um, but let's go back to rejection, shall we? I kind of also think that if you're not experiencing rejection, you might be playing way too small. Like you're not putting yourself out there enough to feel rejection because it comes with living life. Because I mean, I don't know about y'all, but I would rather be rejected a hundred times than never rejected and living a super watered down, boring life. So if I can say anything, like go shoot your shot, get the fuck out there and send the email, send the text message, launch the podcast, put the song out, write the book, shoot your shot. When and if you get rejection, rejected. No, actually, I'm gonna say when eventually rejection comes or someone doesn't like the shit that you put out, you are going to be just fine. You are a strong human being. We are not that weak when we hear no that we just absolutely crumble. You get the fuck back up, you become better, and you keep moving. Okay? Sometimes it really is that simple. And I know, I know the pain and I know the fear of putting yourself out there and the fear of being seen. I mean, I'm living proof of that. Like even doing these solo podcasts, even doing any of the podcasts or any of the projects that I do, I freak myself out all of the time. I doubt myself to death. I will question that if I should re-record this podcast just because that's how I am. I know some people aren't gonna like it. I probably could have been more eloquent and said left less F-bombs, but that's just not who I am. And I'm in the practice of putting myself out there and being seen in the learning and being seen and getting better at it, and being seen with being okay with rejection or being a little bit better with rejection than I was before. And I wrote a couple of things down on like how you can actually move through it, how I actually moved through rejection. Um, because it's gonna come and we're we you can either write these down, put them in your phone, like remember these. One, let it sting because it will, and it's okay that it stings. Normalize the fact that it's going to hurt. Remember, your brain responds to rejection the same way as physical pain. So, no, you're not being dramatic. It actually fucking hurts. Like, don't pretend that you're above it because you're just ignoring it. And I'm the queen of avoidance and ignoring things, and I promise you, it does not go anywhere. So let it sting, let yourself feel it, take it in, um, and just accept the fact that you're human and maybe celebrate that you're putting yourself out there and living a full life because you're like, dang, I got rejected because I just did something that put me at the forefront, that put me in a place that I could be rejected. I'm not living watered down, I'm not staying behind closed doors. I'm not, you know, playing small here. I did something to put myself out there and that deserves to be celebrated. Two, um, don't build a whole identity around it. Let the rejection be the rejection. You don't exactly know why you got rejected. It could be as simple as that person isn't ready for a relationship, or that person was in a really bad mood that day. Or they just have they loved your project, but they have another project that they just took on a week prior and they don't have the bandwidth to take on your project. It can mean so many different things. Don't make it mean that you're a terrible person and you should give up. That is the worst thing that you could possibly do. The worst. Don't let rejection mean failure. And you're the only person that has control over that. And this one kind of piggybacks off the other one. Stop trying to be like the better, hotter version of you that would have gotten chosen, if that makes any sense. Like the goal of this is for you to not become like more chosen or more pickable. The goal is for you to be yourself. And so if you can use rejection to become more of you and stay even more authentic to yourself, then it actually becomes a win and an asset. That's what I mean by like using your pain to your advantage. You get rejected, you learn from it, and you're like, you know what? I'm gonna be even more me so I can find the person that's even more in alignment with who I am. That's gonna be a huge games changer because it's really easy to get rejected and then be like, oh, maybe I should change all of these things about me, or like, what would they like to see more about me if only I was hotter or this or that, then they would have chosen me. Fuck that. Okay. No, that's so that's not like actual choice. That's not you actually being chosen. And I promise you, if you get chosen by trying to be something that you're not, it's not gonna feel that good. It's not gonna feel real, and you're not gonna be able to keep up that facade for long. I've done that before, and it's also this is the one for me. Um, zoom out a little. That rejection is not your entire life. You don't know what can come the next week or two after that. I got rejected from a few people, made it mean that I should totally quit, and I'm an absolute loser, and I suck at everything that I do. Fast forward a week or two. I'm now, I now have two amazing publishers who are interested in the book. Okay, I could have done without all of that stress and talking to myself so poorly over all of that time. We don't need to do that. It doesn't help anything. So zoom out and look at the big picture, realize that this is not your entire life, this is just one moment, or this is one person, or this is one project, and this is temporary. Life has a way of shifting quicker than we can even possibly imagine. And we just have to stay open to that fact because if we're white knuckling how everything is going, it's it's going to drive you into the ground and really suck all of the fun out of life. So let go a little bit, realize there's way more to this story, and then it can shift in a freaking instant. And I was just talking to somebody about this the other day. Normalize rejection happening in a plethora of different ways. You're gonna get rejected in countless ways, you're not gonna be able to keep up from different people, different instances. They're gonna say different things, it's gonna hit you from all angles. And no one has been able to avoid that. Everybody that you look up to has had to deal with rejection and has had to push through that rejection countless times. You just kind of gotta get used to rejection because it's gonna come at all different angles and ways and people and places. And remember this: you only need one yes. You don't need multiple that can make things really noisy and confusing. You just need one, you just need that one person in your life to show up who's in full alignment with you. You just need that one boss that wants to hire you for your dream job. You just need that one yes from a book publisher. You just need one, and that's it. And so as the rejections come in when you're putting yourself out there because you're doing the damn thing, you're sifting through to find the yes that is in the most alignment with you. That's what's happening here. And I know that that can sound like some woo-woo cliche BS, but that's just how it works. And I've talked about this already. Like I know it's easier said than done, y'all, but it is something that's going to keep showing up in our lives. So why don't we just get a little bit better at dealing with it, knowing that I'm going through rejection all of the time. You're gonna go through rejection and you're going to be okay. And we're all pretty messy humans. People are messy. We don't know how to handle things uh at all times. We're learning that, whether we're doing the rejecting or we're not. Ooh, that's kind of an interesting take, you know, like. Doing the rejection, telling somebody no is a big thing. And that's really, really hard because we don't want to upset anybody. We don't want to see seem mean or rude. But sometimes the best thing that you can do for yourself, um, and the most self-respecting thing that you can do is say no, is take your power back, is be authentic to who you are and say, that's not for me. Um, and I know we so many of us have that issue. And it it became, it's like a muscle that we have to flex because it doesn't really come naturally, unfortunately. But the more you do it, the more you trust yourself that you're making the right decision and you understand that, God, that feels so much better when I'm actually standing up for myself and I'm setting boundaries and I'm saying no, life flows. Like you have to be able to say no and relax into what is best for you. Because a lot of the times when we tell somebody no, it's the best for them too. And that's a lesson that they have to learn at that point for both of you. You're learning a lesson, they're learning a lesson, and it can be really messy because we're pretty messy humans, and that's just how life goes. I think one of the saddest parts of rejection is like how close or how easy it is for us to turn on ourselves as soon as we get rejected. Like we we love ourselves, we pump ourselves up, we encourage ourselves, we support ourselves, and then we get rejected and we all of a sudden become our worst critic and we hate ourselves. And that is a really sad place to be in. And if you can catch that flip in your head, I think you'll be able to pull yourself out of it a little bit more. It's only one moment or one relationship or one job that didn't go your way. It's not all of them, it's not everything in the future. Don't make it mean that. So I'm gonna close it out with that. Thank you for hanging out with me. I hope this was helpful. You know, we're all gonna go through this, and um I guess we can just be as open and as authentic as we possibly can. If you liked this episode, you know the drill. Please like, comment, share, subscribe. I have zero control of the algorithm. I'm also not a tech genius by any means. I don't know what the hell or how to do that. Um, so I'm not like the type of person that tries to manipulate the algorithm, but you guys can. And if y'all liked this, let me know. Post in the comments. I would love to hear your stories about rejection, how you overcame it, if there's anything in this podcast that really hit home for you. I love talking to y'all. I'll see you soon, pretty messy humans. Go out there and get rejected.