rejection (so i pulled some cards) | BONUS EPISODE

in this bonus episode of 15 years in LA, i get real about rejection. the kind that comes from auditions, jobs, crushes, creative projects, improv teams, career paths, and all the dreams we chase in this city. after facing some recent “no’s,” i sit down to unpack the emotional rollercoaster of rejection and why it can hit so hard when you care deeply about something.

i also pull a few tarot cards in a mini self-reading to find a little clarity, acceptance, and perspective in the midst of it all. along the way, i explore a bigger idea: how we’re often conditioned to expect rejection far more than we’re conditioned to accept success. what happens when we start questioning that narrative?

part reflection, part tarot moment, and part pep talk for anyone who’s ever put their heart on the line and heard “not this time.” ✨

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to 15 Years in LA, the storytelling podcast about my 15 years here in LA. I'm your host, Sam Adler. Um, if you've been listening to the series, you'll know that I love deep dives, stories, guests, big laughs, chaos. But this episode is gonna be a little bit different. It's gonna be just me, a solo one, and this one's gonna get a little bit personal. So let's buckle up, kids, because we're diving right in. The topic for today's discussion is rejection. I've received in the last like two weeks just like some things of rejection that I was really excited about and was hoping was gonna go the way that you know, my way, but then it didn't, and you know, now I'm forced to accept the pieces as they lie and move forward. In the 15 plus years that I've lived in California because it'll be like 16 in in the summertime, the constant uh theme that I've had while living in LA or just in California was rejection and accepting rejection. I feel like and I'm can only speak for myself, so this is just for myself. If this resonates with you, amazing. If not, please tell me how you find ways to accept rejection. I would love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Um for me, I feel that I have had more ways that I had to face rejection than ways to face acceptance.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Being rejected from a dream job, being rejected from a dream college, being rejected from a musical, being rejected from a play, being rejected from a crush, being rejected from herald improv teams, being rejected from fill in the blank. And it's just like it takes a toll on you having to like just move forward after being rejected so many times. It becomes second nature that like when you finally have a sense of acceptance, that feels foreign. Constantly have to feel this, like these feelings, and have to find ways to like move forward. And there's like people that like I'll tell people, like, you know, I was upset by this, or you know, this didn't go my way, and they try and just say, like, why can't you be happy for everybody else and just find ways to be positive? Or why can't you just accept the form of rejection and then move forward? Or like, okay, it didn't go your way, so what? Move forward. Like, can we just sit in the discomfort for a second and acknowledge like feelings? Like, hey, I'm upset, this sucks, and then the other person is like, yeah, you know what, it does fucking suck. I'm sorry, you're right, it's it's shitty. Like, we spend so much of our time investing in stuff, and then to like not to not see the result that you're like so hard at working on, you know, like I know that I've shifted gears and I'm now focusing on acting, and some people in my life are like, that's weird, she's never been an actor. It's like, well, no, I was a child actor from age like two to twenty one, and within that time I was doing stuff like off Broadway at home in New Jersey and musicals, theater, plays, commercials, films, stuff like that. So I was, but then I shifted gears when I moved to LA and wanted to be a writer, producer, and director. And then once I got back into acting through improv, I truly did miss being in that side of the art form with like expressing myself. And I feel like I've had I was like purposely dormanting um that to try and pursue a different career that I'm grateful that I was able to like learn all that stuff, but I feel like I stopped focusing on what I felt like I was very passionate and good at. Suffice to say, I was, you know, I I received a lot of rejection when I was a kid from like plays, musicals, theater, dance, whatever, being ostracized from friend groups because I wanted to like fit in, and really I was like just I could never fit in because I was someone that just like stood out. Um and then moving here, you know, everybody is kind of in that same boat where like they all kind of had that growing up, and then you move everyone to one city who have all felt that, and then we're all trying to chase the same dream. It's like now we're all like we were all big fish in small ponds to now we're small fish in a big pond, all trying to like fit in to the same things that we're all trying to chase and and achieve. And I've done a lot of work on myself to accept rejection, but I feel like I haven't done enough work on myself to accept acceptance because it feels foreign to me to receive compliments. You know, someone will say, like, oh my god, you were so good up on that stage just now. And I'm like, Oh, thanks. Uh you were such a a great audience member. It's like we can't accept the compliment because then we want to give it right back because it feels awkward. We can't just say thank you. Like it's just at least for me, I've been conditioned that way to just like not receive acceptance. Or like, oh my god, your top is so cute. Thank you. I got it from and then like all us girls are like, oh, we got it from, you know, I can't just say thank you. I feel like I'm rambling, but like I do feel like this is important to just talk about because I feel like some people this will resonate with, but you know, like putting in job applications and like applying to like a hundred jobs a day, and like rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection. And it's like, dude, what do I have to do to like change myself, you know, to fit in? To like it's like we're trying to constantly read people's minds for anything, not just jobs, like anything. Like, why did I get rejected? You don't get like I mean we never get any constructive criticism or just feedback on like why this didn't go our way. If we were able to receive feedback on like why things didn't go our way, I feel like we would be able to then figure out the way to to move forward in a constructive and conducive way.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

For anything because then we can better ourselves in the way that to then you know get to the goalpost, you know, a little bit further, like a little bit closer.

SPEAKER_02 9:19

If anything, it feels like the goalposts keep moving further and further away, and I'm constantly having to go in circles of like, okay, how do I change this? How do I change that? How do I do that? Because I am just going insane. The definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing and expecting different results. Well, I gotta tell you, I have been constantly changing the way I do things every time I get rejected. I'm like, okay, and maybe that's the fucking thing that like rejection is about. Maybe that's like what everyone is talking about, you know, like but I have constantly been trying to change the way I show up for things. If it doesn't, if it didn't go my way in that particular moment, then I'm like, okay, how do I change it? How do I be different? How do I, how do I do it? Like, what did what did I miss, you know, in anything. But specifically, you know, I recently auditioned for um a musical that I was really excited about. I got a callback and I felt like I showed up ready, I was dancing, I was singing, and I was really just pouring my heart out onto it. And I was so excited because I felt like, wow, like I feel like I finally figured it out. You know, just do what you're doing and feel like happy, you know, show up happy because you love it. I find out that the musical had just gotten cast and I didn't get a call that I had gotten into the musical. I didn't even know that I didn't get into the musical. I found out through a posting, and I was like, man, that really sucks. Like, I don't know what I did wrong. I really don't know what I did wrong. I'm so stumped. And then I had spoken to someone that is part of that group, and I told them I don't know what I did wrong, and they had said, You did nothing wrong. They loved you. You had a little bit too many conflicts with your schedule, and that's why they had to go a different way. And I was like, Oh, so it wasn't me. I didn't do anything wrong, it's just my conflicts, and that's what I'm talking about. It's like you're making these people go fucking crazy for figuring out like what the fuck did I do? I showed up, I did everything, and then to not get the goal, but then they give you the feedback and they say this is why this is why they loved you, but this is why. It's only because of your conflicts. That's it. They loved you and they wanted to work with you. So I reached out to the director and I told them I loved working with you guys. Thank you for the callback. I am so honored to have been considered to be part of the production through the callback. And I cannot wait to hear about your production that you're doing for the for the musical. And I wish you all the best. And I hope to work with you guys again in the future. And the director wrote me a lovely message back, and they told me about other projects that they're casting and to look out for those, and they would love to work with me. So that's what I'm talking about. That's a great way to stay like communicating on what worked, what didn't work. We love you. Please keep showing up. I hope that we can work together soon. You know, that's helpful. So then I do there's this thing in LA. I'm sure people in LA know about this. Um, the one of the improv places that I perform at, they have a yearly audition where like a thousand applicants audition to get onto the stage, and there's like probably like 40 spots available. Someone did like a Reddit thing a couple years ago where they like grab they were able to grab the data of like every person that auditioned, every person that received a callback, and every person that got onto the the teams. And they said via the data, it was exponentially harder to get onto that improv stage than it was to get accepted to Harvard. And I was like, holy shit. That's insane. With those auditions, you don't receive feedback, you don't know what you did wrong, you don't know what you did right. And I have been showing up to those auditions since 2023. I think I've received two callbacks at least within those times, or one callback, and then like they used to do like a six-month thing where if you received a callback, you can be considered for their their JV improv shows. So I've received like two of those callbacks. So I guess like three callbacks in total. One for the main thing, and then two for the junior varsity um one. I've never known like what I did right or what I did wrong in terms of like what they were looking for or not looking for. I felt like this particular round, I showed up better than I have had in the past. I wasn't nervous. I felt very confident. I felt like I knew exactly what I was doing. I gave I gave it my all. And then to not receive a callback, it sucks. But you know, I'm just I'm trying to look at it in a different way. And I have like vision boards on my wall of just like things that I'm trying to speak out and call out into the universe. Perhaps the universe has a different route for me. I don't know, but it's just it's so frustrating to like constantly see receive rejection. I have like post-its on my on my wall of like how I can maneuver my vocal cords and voice to sound different. So that way when musical improv auditions come around again, I can try and like find ways to be different in that way. Like, and I just keep getting rejected. So many people that have auditioned for the improv thing that I'm talking about have gone on to do incredible things when they didn't receive their um their guests to perform on that stage for that particular um night. And I think it was um the the girls that created Broad City, they were auditioning for this particular um improv. And they they didn't get on it, and then they then they created Broad City, or like I think I saw like Donald Glover auditioned a bunch and never got on, and then he went on to be on community and other stuff. So it's just so many people have like auditioned to be part of that, and then they didn't get on, but then they were, you know, the rejection turned into this is what you're actually meant to do. So I always wonder like, does the universe do these things where like, oh, you're not meant to be there because you're meant to be somewhere else, and this is like the path that you're supposed to go on? And I just wish that, like I would would at least, I don't know, like throw me a bone, man. I have had I can only speak for myself, okay? This is my podcast. I I at this at the in this particular moment right now, I'm going to be selfish and say something. I have had such a shitty couple years. Like from 2019 to this year, I have had just a shitty, I've had shitty years. Is that like eight years, seven years? I don't fucking know. Like, it's just from being in the wrong relationships to spiraling to losing my identity to almost like dying when I was going through like my really bad uh eating disorder, um, Serbie having cancer, having to navigate that while being recently sober during like the fires, losing my job, having to start all over again. Like, man, I have I have visited rock bottom so many times that I think I need to have a permanent residency there because I have seen rock bottom so many times. And I'm just like when is it gonna be my turn, you know, to to just have the moments where I can be like, wow, I finally know what it feels like to feel acceptance with the hard fucking work that I'm putting in.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I'm tired. I'm tired.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

How many self-help books am I gonna read? How many times are the tarot cards going to uh you know be drawn for me? How many times am I gonna have to listen to different podcasts like of of just self-help to the point where I'm just like, Universe, do you not see? Like the other day, I was having such a shitty day. I went over to my friend's house and we were just talking outside, and I was looking up at the stars, and I literally said out loud, I was like, Universe, please. And I was like begging, I was like wishing upon a star. And I was like, Universe, please. And then I get rejected from this thing.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

I'm like, that's not what I'm talking about. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

If anyone's listening and they have received more rejection than acceptance, I would love to hear from you. And I guess vice versa, if you've received more acceptance than rejection, I guess I'd love to hear from you too. Um but in this very moment I don't, because I'm being a little bit bitter, because I think we're allowed to sit in our feelings. I think we're allowed. I would like to uh, you know, feel this and then I can move forward. Everyone has their own different processes and ways they cope, but for me, just let me just let me be upset. Let me go on my podcast and talk about it for people that aren't gonna listen to it. That's how I feel.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

I just feel like I am constantly doing things. And I wish that I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out how to show up better for my. Myself and maybe one day I will figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

Right now? I yeah, I don't know. I told you guys this is gonna be a mini a mini one and this is it. So let's hope that the universe provides me with some form of acceptance in the next couple months, couple weeks, couple days, couple hours. That'd be great. Alright, I gotta get on with my day. I got some things to do. So enjoy your guys' day. And I you know what actually? Fuck it. I'm gonna pull a reading real quick for myself. Because you know what? Let's do it. So hold on. I have these um hold on. I have these cards that say own your awesome. So and then I have my tarot, obviously. But these cards are 52 card deck of powerful affirmations, and I feel like I need one. So if any of these resonate with you, perfect. Alright. What I normally do for um tarot or affirmations is I'll like shuffle them and then I don't pick them. The universe does. I feel like if you pick them, it's not as like powerful as like if they just you know fly out, and like that's the one meant for you. Oh okay. The one that just flew out was I choose to give love, share love, be love, but I understand it is impossible to please all people all the time. I feel like that has a lot to do with like trying to figure out a way to understand like what you did wrong, what you did right. Man, that really yep. Okay. Let's do one more. That one, and then I'll do tarot. And then I need to go and start my day. Oh a couple that just fell out. And then from those, we're gonna find the one that oh there we go. Okay, this one says, I treat myself as I want others to treat me. I treat others as I want to be treated. I try. I certainly try. Those are good ones. I'll take a picture of those. Okay. I'm gonna read my tarot. I'm gonna just do a three-card tarot reading for myself. And I think let's see. I did a Valentine's event where I had um people showing up for either themselves or a relationship. Thinking I was recording when I because I had to cough just then, so I paused, and then I thought I was recording and something happened where it wasn't recording. Anyway, so I have um three different card readings, and one is heart opener, one is self-love, and then the other one is relationship three card spread, which I'm not gonna do that one. But the heart opener, so there's four cards and one um thing represents each thing. So the first card is why is my heart closed? Second is how can I open my heart? Third is how can I view the world through the eyes of love? Fourth is what will I be able to see as a result? And then the self-love tarot spread is something I love about myself, or sorry, something to love about myself. Where can I be more patient with myself? Where can I be kinder to myself? Energies and strategies to draw on. Um I'm gonna do the self-love one because I think that's what I need. So we're gonna figure out what things I need to receive. Okay. So with tarot, like I said, I just let the cards um the universe kind of just pick them. And when I say that, I mean like when they just like fall out. Let me just shuffle them real quick. Alright, they're shuffled, and then I'm just gonna start. So something I love something to love about myself is the first one. I'm not really sure. I mean, for me personally, I love how caring I am. I love how ambitious I am, I love um how patient I am when I'm like with you know. Sorry, I don't know why I'm coughing so much. I love how patient I am when it when it comes oop okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

A bunch of cards fell out. The ten of cups is what came out.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Um I feel like when I because I I like to help people, you know, I do. So I feel like my friends and family can come to me, or like, you know, anyone, I do tarot for people. So I feel like people can come to me and feel good, and I just want to do that for myself. And I think that's what I need to do is like show up for myself more for the way that I show up for others, I need to do that for myself. Because if I can't do that for myself, I can't do that for others. A bunch of cards fell out. So when that happens, I usually just like from that from that pile that fell out, then I just do a smaller shuffle with my hands and see which ones. Um okay. So two cards fell out, and then from those two cards, let's see what will come out. And then the last one. So the first card is something I love, something to love about myself, and I got the Ten of Cups. For those that don't know, Cups is the um suit of emotion, which makes sense why I am receiving that right now, because I am very emotional at the moment. Um, just to give everyone, you know, a context. So cups are the suit of emotion, they address the quality of our relationships and our connection to others. They speak of love, friendship, and all that's in between, and that the cups is ruled by the element of water. I say that because people make fun of the way that I say water. Um, so the ten of cups for something to love about myself is about radiating energy. The ten of cups overflows with positivity. Your goals are being realized, and the excitement surrounding you is magnetic to others. You may feel as though light or color radiates outward from you almost like you're shining. Experience sensations like this with an open and joyful heart. Do not doubt this power. Okay, so that's what I was feeling before getting all this rejection. So I think I just need to like continue feeling that radiation because energy, like, okay, so the way that I've researched things is the the world, the universe, everything, it it radiates on energy. And not like, you know, batteries and shit like that. I mean like if your frequency and your vibrations are high, meaning like you're you're feeling positive and you're having positive energy and positive vibrations and frequency, then you're you're you are um operating on a higher level, where like more positive things will be coming at you. If you're if you're vibrating on a lower frequency and radiating lower energy, then like negative things will be coming towards you. So like they always say like bad things come in threes type of thing. Like if you keep thinking about like all these bad things happening, then like yes, things will keep happening that are bad. But if you keep on feeling positive and and and radi, and I'm probably like I most certainly am being hypocritical in my podcast in this moment where I'm like being like, oh, I'm pissed about like you know, getting rejection. But like think positively, it's like, yes, I know, I know these things, but like at some point you have to at least like sit in the the darkness for a second because you have to feel all the emotions, and like you, you know, the the only way out is through type shit. So I do feel like it is a um a yin and yang type thing where like you can't have one without the other. Anyway, so I do feel like the Ten of Cups is something that I do love about myself, but I feel like I just need to continue feeling that that frequency and vibration and and stay on that you know trajectory. Second card, where can I be more patient with myself? The father of cups. Interesting. I'm getting so I am very emotional. I mean, I am on my period, so that makes sense. Where can I be more patient with myself, diplomatic and open-minded? The father of cups has a truly unique and dynamic personality. He's the most feminine of all the fathers within the tarot, which uh, if anyone doesn't know, is pentacles, swords, wands, and cups. And usually a patron of the arts. Huh? Yes, I am. He's a dignified man who supports his family and community. Yes, I do. The only thing holding this man back are his deeply rooted insecurities. Yep. They are vast and affect his personality in many unpredictable ways. Yes. So how can I be more patient with myself? Perhaps in this sense, I need to be more patient with my insecurities.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

So I need to be more patient with receiving rejection.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

Thank you, Tarot. And just maybe, like, I didn't get those things. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe I was amazing. You know, maybe I really did show up really well, but it just I don't know. I don't want to think too much on it. But like maybe it had nothing to do with me, and I'm actually doing everything that I need to do, and to just keep doing that. And to just be more patient with myself when it comes to my insecurities. I will not detail what my insecurities are right now. Maybe later, but not right now. Okay, where can I be kinder to myself? The lovers. That is a major arcana. So the lovers is um, hold on, sorry. Union, desire, joy, two Canadian geese, mates for life, traveling partners within an expansive sky. The lovers card is a welcome sight in any reading, as it suggests a beautiful and strong relationship on the horizon. Yes, you'll experience all the thrills of desire and romance, but meanwhile, you'll be building a solid foundation together. The lovers honor and respect each other with that, they can go anywhere. If you're already in a relationship, time to be grateful and nourish this rare and precious gem. Okay, so I did say that I get rejected from like crushes and stuff. And so I guess where I can be kinder to myself with this card, I'm not in a relationship. I don't really want to be in a relationship because I feel like I am still working on myself. I think that I just need to be kinder, that the universe does have intentions of helping me find the person that's my person. And maybe I just need to just work on myself, trust myself, and love myself, and be kinder to myself in that sense, and it will all work out. I will say that the cards I have right now are there's two cups, two two cup families, and then one major arcana. And I'm noticing that right across from one another are um like geese, birds. So I feel like I need to like be out in nature as well near the water. Maybe I need to go surfing. I probably need to go surfing. That's probably what it is. Or like, I don't know, take my dogs to Santa Barbara for a day. Okay, the fourth is energies and strategies to draw on. Interesting. It is the one, two, three, four, five, six, seven of swords. So seven of swords, and there's a fox on the bottom of the sword. Swords are, um, for those that aren't familiar, swords are the suit of action and um an elect ruled by the element of error. These dynamic cards address change, conflict, and power. They point to constructive and deconstructive tendencies within us all, whereas cops are talking about relationships involving um um friends and in between, and you know, just relationships and connections to others, and then swords is about things that happen directly within us. So cups is about relationships with yourself and others, swords is about the relationship with yourself. Um, so the seven of swords, and this is energies and strategies to draw on. So the seven of swords is secrecy and self-interest. Six swords hang in plain view while the seventh is tucked under the sly fox's tail. So goes the story of the seven of swords. A secret is being kept. Either you're the keeper or the kept from, and it's time to identify which. Deceit and avoidance linger in the air, face the cause of secrecy or risk ostracizing yourself. I did say the word ostracize a couple times in this um podcast. Interesting. I feel like this has a lot to do with like I'm never going to receive the information that I want when it comes to why I'm being rejected.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

So I feel like I just need to um I feel like I'm the kept from.

SPEAKER_02 39:18

And I don't think there's like deceit or avoidance linger in the air for me. Well, I guess maybe. Because like, you know, once once like you get rejected, avoidance is happening where they don't talk to you anymore. So I just have to yeah, face the cause of secrecy. Okay, so like basically energies and strategies drawn. I literally just have to face rejection and move on. What interesting. Isn't that interesting? That's why I love tarot. I really, that's why I love tarot. I really that's why I love it. Because it really does just justify like the things that you're feeling. And yeah. Yep. So I think this is a really great transition into I need to just move forward and know that I need to just work on myself and continue working on myself, and things will work out. Um, yeah. So I'm glad I did this with you guys, and I'm glad you stuck out during this um mini podcast episode. So I hope you guys have a great rest of your day. All right, talk to you later. Bye. Thank you so much again for listening to another episode of 15 years in LA. I'm your host, Sam Adler. We are now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Buzz Sprout. We're also on Instagram, 15 the number. Years dot in dot LA dot pod. If you could please like, share, rate, and review the pod. That would be amazing. If you're liking what you're listening to and would like to be a guest, email us at 15 yearsn la pod at gmail.com. I'm not sure when I'll see you guys, but I'll see you when I see you. Have a great day. Bye.