i almost didn’t share this | a solo episode

this one is different.

i took my voice notes on a walk at night with my dogs and just… talked. no outline, no plan: just where i’m at right now.

it’s vulnerable. it’s messy. it’s honest.

i’m not doing great, if i’m being real. but i also know i’m going to be okay. and this is what it sounds like to be in the middle of that.

if you’ve ever felt lost, overwhelmed, or like you’re figuring it out as you go, this one’s for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to 15 Years in LA, the storytelling podcast about my 15 years here in LA. I'm your host, Sam Adler. Um, if you've been listening to the series, you'll know that I love deep dive, stories, guests, big laughs, chaos. But this episode is gonna be a little bit different. It's gonna be just me, a solo one, and this one's gonna get a little bit personal. So let's see because we're diving right in. I am going to record a podcast episode, or at least record this episode, while I'm walking my dogs at 944 at night, and it is like a hundred degrees outside here in LA. We are experiencing a heat wave, and I don't know why we're experiencing a heat wave. It is so hot, it is the beginning, no, it's the middle of March, and it should not be this hot. And I've had to constantly remind myself I'm not going through perimetopause. Although I ask a bunch of women of all different ages whenever I'm around them during the heat wave and ask them, Are you also hot? Are you also sweating? to get validation that I am indeed experiencing the same thing they are experiencing, and I am not experiencing pre-menopause. Because I'm at the age where I I could. It could be a number of things of what I'm experiencing. It could be my period, it could be it is just hot outside, it could be menopause, or it could be stress, or it could be like I'm not eating enough, drinking enough. I don't know. It's just the heat wave is making me go crazy, and I felt like perhaps other people are experiencing that too, and I wanted to uh uh just hop on here for a little bit and discuss it. Um Mercury is in retrograde, it ends on Friday, and I cannot wait. Uh Mercury in retrograde this time has been so chaotic. I feel like so many people have been experiencing crazy things. I've heard that this was probably by far the worst Mercury in retrograde, at least this year, and this year has only just started two months ago, three months ago. And it's been chaotic. You guys have already listened to my other episode, I'm assuming, where I talk about rejection and how I was rejected from a couple things. I have been talking to other people that have been experiencing their own version of rejection of whatever they're going through with their journey. So it's not just you know, it's I know it's not just me. Like it's not all about me, but I'm just saying, like, and it's not comforting or validating to understand that like other people are going through it, but it's more just like making me grounded that I am not alone and that we all are experiencing our own versions of rejection and heat. And yeah. I feel like my panic attacks are coming up again. I was um re-listening to some episodes of mine just to kind of like to see my growth and also just to listen to my my previous podcast to see like you know what what I've already spoken about topic-wise, so that I don't like go over the same thing, or if I do go over the same thing, like just like circle back and and like um expand those topics. And I feel like that's probably a good time to expand my panic attacks. I remember someone telling me that like people who who um who experience really bad panic attacks or anxiety shouldn't like like heat and anxiety and panic attacks like don't mix. And I remember someone telling me to not do hot yoga because the heat in hot yoga with anxiety and panic attacks could make it worse. And I've been thinking about that often during this heat wave of like like my anxiety is like going through the roof, my panic attacks are going through the roof right now, and managing stress right now has been extremely hard for me. I know that I've had doctors tell me that my blood pressure is very low in a good way, and that like I can handle massive amounts of stress and it'd be fine, and that's surprising to me considering how much stress I've had to endure. So, I mean, I guess you know, blame it on the toxic jobs I've had to endure these 15 years in in LA and just in my life, blame it on that for me having to be able to navigate stress so well. That was a joke. Um but yeah, as I'm walking my dogs during this, it's probably gonna be a mini episode, but as I'm walking my dogs, as I've gone through today, today has been a very tough day. Um, just with like I swear, Mercury in retrograde really just kicked my ass. And I felt it a lot today with just like misconnections and not feeling like I want to do anything like today, and just feeling really low about myself. I um was doing a tarot read for someone earlier today, and it made me kind of want to do my own tarot read based off of theirs because theirs really resonated with me. There was a really good tarot read that they had, and I wanted to do my own, so I did a different tarot read for me today where I was doing um, I can tell you guys, uh my tarot read that I did today was called the resolve an issue tarot spread, and it was an eight eight tarot card spread, and it was the overall situation issue at hand, something from the past that is contributing to the issue, what is currently contributing to the issue, what needs to change, what needs to be done to initiate change, immediate outcome of applying change, and future outcome after applying change. The cards that I got were the first card was the three of wands, second card was the second of wands, the third card was the ace of pentacles, the fourth card was the um, what was this one? Was this the world? No, wheel of fortune, and then the fifth card was the fool, the sixth card was the mother of pentacles, seventh card was the devil, and the eighth card was future outcome. I'm sorry, the eighth card was the ten of pentacles. It was interesting that I was only receiving either like like getting two getting three major arcana, and then the rest being pentacles and wands. I found that to be very interesting. Um, wands are the um the suit of oh god, I know what wands are.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

They're the suit of action, if I'm not mistaken. What is the suit of suit of wands associated with tarot?

SPEAKER_03 7:53

Um yeah, fire energy, movement, creativity, inspiration, ambition. So yeah, action. And then pentacles are about groundedness. Uh what is, sorry. I should know all this, but I'm very tired. Oh, what is the suit of pentacles?

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Pentacles is um talks about material success, hard work, and rewards of effort, and um they are material things, so they are earth. Um and I believe wands are uh fire. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

So fire and earth. Earth wind and fire, am I right? No. Um, so I got fire and earth, which is just very interesting to receive, and then also getting some major arcana, major arcana, the devil, the fool, and the wheel of fortune. Um it was a very interesting tarot read because um the one that I thought was more interesting was the seventh card being immediate outcome of applying change, getting the devil, basically saying that like once I once I figure out and navigate what exactly needs to change, I'll then be set free. Devil card is not the best card to receive, like at first, because you're just like, what the fuck does that mean? The devil card simply talks about just like once once like you find the thing that you need to like change, you'll be set free. But if you don't figure out what needs to change, you're just gonna continuously repeat the same patterns over and over again. You're gonna repeat the same behavioral things and you're gonna repeat, excuse me, the same, like you're just gonna repeat the same cycles. And if you don't change it, then you're just gonna live in you're just gonna live in a world of like insanity where you are doing the same thing and expecting different results. So quite literally, it's telling me that I am doing that. I am doing the exact same thing, expecting different results, and I'm not I'm not finding the results, which I feel like is what I'm going through right now with my, I guess, yeah, midlife crisis. Yeah, I'm 36 years old, and I definitely am probably going through midlife crisis of like I've changed my path with my career so many times. Um, but especially during right now, where I'm like in my mid-30s, and I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I have no idea. I feel stuck, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I constantly feel like I keep reinventing myself over and over again, and I'm not receiving the results that I want because maybe I'm not like focusing on one thing all the time. I keep changing my mind. So maybe I need to like keep focusing on something. With improv, I feel like I've been focusing on that so much that I feel like I'm trying to get the results that I want, but I'm not getting them. Maybe I just need to do something different. Um with Tarot, we were supposed to have our workshop tomorrow. Me and my girlfriend, uh, my business partner, and we had to cancel because we didn't receive um enough ticket sales to do it. So now we have to change that. And I feel like Mercury in Retrograde could have helped with making us be forced to postpone our event that we were really excited about. Um, and stuff with like I don't know, just everything that I'm doing. I'm just I'm trying so hard to like just do the things I need to do, and I'm not receiving the results that I want. And I just feel like at this moment I feel like I'm whining, but it's my podcast. I feel like I can whine. Um, but I'm just like, I'm just trying to express that you're not alone in feeling like you're going through these things and feeling like you're the only one going through it. I feel like hearing someone tell you that they're going through something makes other people feel and breathe a little bit more of being like, oh, thank God, I'm not the only one going through this. Someone else is going through this, and I can feel seen and heard and everything. Um that's what I'm just trying to express is that you're not alone in the things you're going through right now when it comes to changing your course, your journey, changing the way things are, and um, it's gonna get better. At least I hope it's gonna get better. It will get better. Um, but it just takes time, and I have to keep reminding myself that it takes time.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Um, sorry, my dog took a shit. I needed to clean that up. Hold on. Come here. Okay. I never recorded a podcast while walking my dogs and having to pick up their shit and people walking by.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

You're literally hearing Samantha in the wild. What? That's crazy. Oh my god. I just wanted to try something different because my tarot told me to blame it on my tarot. Um if you hear me telling the dogs, squid it looks just my life. Um I received a really lovely uh message today from someone that I went to high school with that I um I won't like I won't read the whole thing, or I won't read it because I feel like it's very private. But basically, um it was so sweet. They had said that they really appreciated um a certain episode that I had done, and they felt seen and validated and heard, and um it really resonated with them, and that's the goal of this podcast is to have people hearing other people talk about their their gains and their losses, their their journey and and the the strides they're going through and and the ups and the downs and you know the the twists and the turns. That's what this goal is of my podcast, is to quite literally Rue. Excuse me, sorry, did you put something in your mouth? Rue, sorry. Um this podcast is to literally be that to help people, you know, see that you're not alone in the things that you're going through, in the journey that you're going through, and I feel like that's a beautiful thing. I've always been someone that loves to connect people, I've always been someone that loves to help people. I've always been that person, like wanting to help people, and I feel like you know, I wanted to be a lawyer for so long because I thought that was the only way to help people, and then I was like, well, what about this way? What if I do it this way? I don't I don't have to learn the law and go to law school and be in thousands and thousands of debt. I can just do a podcast anywhere and um discuss the the things and topics that I feel are important to to highlight and and hope that it resonates with people. And if it does, amazing. If not, then maybe this podcast isn't for you. But this podcast is like a sense of therapy in a way, where like you're just you're listening to a friend on a phone call, or you know, you're listening to um, you know, uh someone talk about things that maybe you're not ready to to speak out into the world, but you're you're you're needing some some guidance and help to kind of boost yourself to to get to that step, to be courageous enough to talk about it, or um whatever it may be. But I just wanted to hop on here and discuss that with you guys because I feel like it's important to highlight that, you know, for example, like social media, like that's all about like you know, everyone's highlighting, like, oh my god, I'm like doing so well and I'm doing this and that. And it's like, well, life is not always about the ups. Yes, it's great to to illustrate and to highlight the wins, but life also has downs, and we need to talk about that. Um and already I'm feeling a lot better after just talking to you guys about my anxiety and um come on. My anxiety and my um and panic attacks. I've been really depressed lately too, and I've kind of talked about it with some people, but yeah, I've been really depressed, man. Like, I've been really fucking depressed. Life has been hard. Finding a job, not having money, no income, like getting rejected. Like, yes, I have some wins. I'm gonna play with with some brilliant women, and I'm really excited about that. Yes, one of my shows is being uh moved from the annex to the main stage at UCV. I'm very grateful for that. Um, there's a lot of wins that I haven't really talked about. And I shouldn't be focusing so much on the losses, and I should be focusing more on the wins, but I feel like, you know, with the yin and yang, you can't appreciate the good without accepting the bad. And vice versa, you can't accept the good. Or sorry, you can't you can't you can't accept the bad without appreciating the good, you know. So I feel like it's definitely important to highlight those things and to be excited about it, but I just I haven't cleaned my room, I haven't done my laundry, I haven't like really done my dishes, I haven't gone to the grocery store. I've been like so busy with self-tapes, which I'm very grateful for, universe. I want you to know that I'm staring at the stars and saying I'm grateful for all the self-tapes I'm receiving. Thank you so much. I'm literally looking at the stars and saying thank you. But at the same time, it's just like balancing. I think I remember being at a yoga class and there was like a chalkboard, and it was like asking people like what type of workshop they would love to um explore if it were to be explored. They were like, they were kind of like doing like a test of like what people are trying to like navigate, like what people are interested in learning more about. And this was like 13, 10 years ago, I don't know, something like that. And I had written down balance, and they did. They did a workshop about balance, and you bet your ass I was there, and I was like, how do I balance life? This is like when I was a student going back to college. This was when I was like juggling like part-time jobs and going to school full-time and um, you know, driving around the city and working on short films and writing and everything. And I'm like, how am I balancing everything? How do I balance this? How do I balance that? And I feel like I'm back in that position again all these years later. How do I balance this? How do I balance that? And I still don't have the answers. Girl, I wish I did. I wish I had the answers. I don't. If you have the answer, please let me know. I would love to know the answer. I personally don't. I need to like find ways to work out. Sorry. She gets excited. Come on. Um, I need to find ways to balance, and I don't know how to do that. I have to balance like working out thrice a week. I need to balance eating well. I need to balance, you know, submitting myself to self-tapes, finding a job, um, improv. The dogs. Bills. Cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, doing chores, helping my mom create something for her, uh, a book that she wants me to work on. I could go on with the list of things I need to balance. It's so many. It's so many. I'm a single person trying to do so many things. I'm trying to create short films. I'm trying to create a pilot. I'm trying to do my tarot. All of these things. It's very hard. And it's very hard to walk two dogs while doing this. One of my dog is 13 and he doesn't walk very fast or well. So that's a struggle. Balancing that, balancing walking two dogs in the heat wave. Because man, it's so fucking hot. I don't know the answers. I would love to know the answers. I know people say meditate, meditating is good. I find that when I meditated, my brain was um, it was hard to silence my brain. I also like people say like you should read books. And listen, I love reading books. There was a time where I was like reading books all the time. Come on. There was a time where I literally read like a book a week, and my nose was you would find me reading a book all the time. And I've stopped doing it because I feel like when I was reading, I was not in like I was in a very dark place when I Was reading because I was in um a very toxic, two to two back to back toxic relationship. Just come on.

unknown 22:08

Come on.

SPEAKER_03 22:09

Andiamo. I speak Italian in my dogs. Andiamo. Come on. One of my dogs can't walk up the stairs, so I have to put my arm under his legs. Come on. Um come on. Andiamo, Serby. Come on. Come on. The people don't want to hear me. Face. Come on. I know it's hot. I know. We're all sweating. It's all gross. Come on. You can you can do it. Ah good boy. Um, I was in two back-to-back toxic relationships, and I associated like reading these books as a way to escape. A form of escapism from being in this these toxic situations. And I come on. Come on. I can't finish a sentence. Oh my god, come on. Let's go. Maybe this was stupid of me to do. I don't know. I am a very impulse person. Maybe I have ADD. Someone's listening and they're a therapist. Diagnose me with that. I probably have a form of ADD and ADHD. Oh my god. Okay, hold on. Okay, get inside. I'm Dummo. I'm Dummo. I'll tell you what the temperature is right now. It's 80 degrees at 10.07 p.m. That is not normal. Oh service. So my god. I um was in two back-to-back toxic relationships. And during those times I used reading books as a form to escape away from these toxic relationships. And I feel like if I were to read again, sometimes I feel like it brings up that stuff in a way. And I don't necessarily, I'm not opposed to reading, but I just feel like it sometimes brings that up. And I could probably be, I could probably be projecting in a way where I'm like, or not projecting, I could be like using it as an excuse and I'm finding ways to not better myself, which the devil card comes back into play where it's like, well, if you keep doing the same thing, then you know that's what's gonna happen. And it's like, yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't do it. Maybe I should focus on being better and trying other ways. So maybe that's what I do. This is a good way to be my own therapist right now. Um, yeah, so I just wanted to pop on here and kind of talk about like I'm not doing well, but I'm doing okay. I sound crazy, but like this is like how I am. Sometimes I'm like a little bit neurotic, and I'm just like, because I have all these ideas I want to do, and then I'm just like, how do I do them? And this heat wave is really kicking my ass. And I just feel like I'm unmotivated, but I'm motivated. I don't know how that makes that doesn't make any sense, but like to me it makes sense. I'm a very motivated person in my own time. Um, I feel very uncomfortably hot and I need to get off this podcast, so I will talk to you guys later. I'm trying to be better at um recording more and doing things differently, you know, showing up differently for the podcast, whatever that may be. So I felt like this would be a very interesting one to try a different tactic and do it on my phone and record that way. Because maybe, I don't know, sometimes I feel like using technology in different ways is kind of interesting. And I wanted to try this and see how it worked. And you guys let me know what you think. All right, I'll talk to you guys later. Hopefully, I will figure out some answers. But you know my sign-off. I don't know when I'll see you, but I'll see you when I'll see you. Bye, guys. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of 15 years in LA. I'm your host, Sam Adler. You can now stream 15 Years in LA on both Spotify and Apple Podcasts at 15 Years NLA Pod. We're also on Instagram, 15 the number, dot years dot in dot LA dot pod. If you could be so awesome and like, subscribe, rate, review, share, do all the things for the podcast on both Apple, Spotify, and Instagram, that would be amazing. That would help tremendously with getting the word out and just having more people listen and being a part of this community that we're building. If you are interested in submitting questions for me to answer, or if you're interested in submitting for yourself to be interviewed, I would love that. I have an email address now. It's 15 the number years in la pod at gmail dot com. So I'm not sure when I'll see you, but I'll see you when I see you. Bye guys, have a good day.