Main Character Energy… or Main Character Pressure?

In this episode, we unpack the subtle (and sometimes exhausting) pressure to be “interesting,” and question whether we’re actually living our lives or quietly curating them for an audience.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Hello everyone and welcome to this edition of the Reboot Diaries. I'm Jessie. I'm Cynthia. And today we're going to talk about this idea of creating a personality and the pressure to be interesting. I, you know, the last couple of years, this is actually something that I think came up more for me than I realized until discussing this as like a potential topic. What do you do you think this is a thing for you? What do you think this means to you? All the things.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Well, wait a minute. Before we get to me, I'm curious with you in terms of how this has come up, like why, why now? What happened?

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Um, because I'm used to doing so much and so many things that when you're not, like life feels boring. And I think when life feels boring, I feel boring.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

But for it's but it's more about like myself and less about perception, I think.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Um, so yeah, just with everything, a lot of where a lot of my energy was going was not interesting things. Like, no one wants to hear about like the 10 job applications I did. Like, that's not a fun story, nor is it a story I want to think about or tell. Like the exception being when I did my Gem and Mineral Club. Like, I liked talking about that because it was fun and nerdy and I liked it.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Yes. Gem and Mineral Club. Yes. They've talked, haven't I talked about this?

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

No that I have heard you speak. I mean, I think I would have remembered a club that you are involved with that is dedicated to gym and minerals.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Do you find this topic interesting?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

I find it fascinating.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

She's special kind of way. Fascinating kind of way. You don't know what else to say.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Gym club, I could get in terms of, you know, maybe she's into stones or studying to be a jeweler or whatever. And mineral definitely sounds much more science-y, and then it just kind of makes me wonder why.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Because rocks are pretty. I'm a simple girl at heart. I'm a simple girl at heart. Well, okay. So I joined, oh, it's been a while now, but I haven't been in a I haven't really been able to do much since I moved. But um like two years ago, I joined a club in the Bay and had a really positive experience. But what triggered it was like I have to do something that makes me happy. I've always been interested in this kind of thing. I'd looked into it before, and it was something that like my dad was into a little bit. And so that like timing-wise, that felt really good too. Um, something like he and I could talk about. Um, so I did it for all, I think, good reasons, unless like this is interesting to people, because it's not interesting to people in a like sit, like, sit down and tell me about this thing. It's interesting to people in like a club. Okay. What's that kind of way? Which I don't think is really what our prompt today is about so much like what it was. Um, no, I mean I let I miss it. I'm trying to figure out how to do it. My schedule's just so all over the place that it's been hard. Um and I went to two different club meetings here and it now and I didn't really feel like they were either was ideal, but I'm gonna give it a sh another shot.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Got it. Okay. Well, you do you. Yeah, so I thought it was interesting.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

But a lot of the things I think are interesting, a lot of people don't think are interesting.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

But that's kind of what makes it interesting. I mean, you would think these things are interesting.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Yeah, I'm pretty random. I mean, my major was ancient Mesopotamian art, so I'm pretty random. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Well, what about you, Cynthia? Do you feel like you like what do you think about this idea of doing things to be interesting? Is it something you would uh I'm gonna call it a trap, a trap you've ever fallen into.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

So here's the thing, and not to like sound arrogant, although now of course I do sound arrogant, but I don't think I have a problem in I shouldn't say problem. I don't think I have challenges in terms of trying to be interesting, because all I gotta do is talk about spinal cord surgery. And I mean, it's like being E. F. Hutton. I it's something that happened almost 30 years ago. I just view it as a historical fact, but it is interesting for first-time listeners. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

So it's funny because uh when I was thinking about like originally I really liked the idea for this topic, and then I was thinking about it more, and I was like, wait, maybe we shouldn't do just two people with disability transition stories because that's what everyone always thinks is interesting. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Yeah. Yeah. And it's a thing of where I feel as though there is so much more to kind of like me and who I am and things that are interesting, but it's just like I'm an introvert. I and I'm an introvert who loves stories. So I love hearing about like that is my jam to listen and hear about new things and new experiences from different people. That's where I find a lot of joy. When it comes to me having to really speak, it's just not something that I guess I'm intrinsically motivated to do, but understanding that, you know, this is a society that we live in. So my whole point is that it's just a really lazy default when it comes to you know, feeling the need to be interesting.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

I really love hearing you be like, I don't need to be the one to talk, and you wrote a book. I think like a big chunk of life storiness. Explain that one. I'm not letting you off the hook for that.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Well, I mean, I think like with the book, the point with the book is really to try to help other people, whether it be patients that are, you know, on the receiving end of course of care and need help or guidance, or just like with me, I just really wish that I had had somebody else's perspective. I would have loved to have known what somebody else was going through so I could know what to expect. Another big thing that I really wanted to know was, you know, gosh, what does this mean in terms of how my life will turn out? So I really wanted to, you know, write this for people who are in their own health crisis. But then also for you know, doctors. I've been very fortunate in terms of having access to good care. Yeah. I just it's uh, but it's so interesting. You know, I just started going to a new doctor because my old doctor moved to Texas. And it's so funny because one of the things that she asked when we finished, and she seems really good, was do you understand the plan? And I said yes, but then I thought about my own work and what I recommend to people. I said, Well, let me explain the plan to you to play it back.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Oh, I always.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, and so but it's so interesting because you always, I wrote about doing it, but I didn't even do it myself until it I thought about, okay, I'm telling other people to do this, I need to do this too. But my point is that, you know, that was just a little teeny tiny kind of conveying information to this new doctor in terms of like a tip that she might be able to incorporate for future patients. So when it comes to, you know, getting back to your question, well, why did I, you know, if I am not into sharing about myself, why did I write this book? It was really to just try to help folks to tell you the truth. But that kind of goes back to when I do share, I feel as though there has to be a reason. Um, and even and I don't maybe I've talked to you about this on the show, I'm not sure. But like, you know, somebody that I dated for at least a year is probably longer, and we've been friends, you know. I've known this somebody I've known for 15 years. He read the book. He was like, I never knew you never talked about this stuff. I mean, you walked with a cane, and you know, I knew generally you had this surgery, but like you never told me any of this. Yeah. I was like, you never asked. I'm joking.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

Also, like, are you joking? Like, because it's true. I mean, it look, it's tough because I think, like, I mean, with disability, yes, but also I think with family and like other topics, sometimes people are trying to be respectful and they don't know like what is what to ask or what is okay to ask, or you know, whatever. But I think um look, I think our medical stuff is objectively interesting. What I've run into is mine's like a little cringe. So like, because some of the details, like I have a coworker who gets super squirmy about medical stuff. And so I had to really just like cut that one off like immediately when I was explaining something because I could see them like tighten up like so much. I'm like, you know what? We're gonna pass. We're gonna pass because you can't even see a paper. He can handle the truth, he can't handle the truth. It was so funny. Um, so you know, even though it's interesting, it's also like, you know, not for everyone, but I think that's true for even like my rock club. Some people are like, uh some people are like, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to tell me more. You're gonna, you're just gonna have to tell me more. Um so you know, look, audience matters, and I think that is where I maybe do do this a little bit is this kind of curation of like, what would this person want to hear? I don't know if that's a bad thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Yeah, I mean, I think at the end of the day, people want to feel interesting, they want to feel smart, they want to feel seen, and they don't want to be perceived, you know, as anything else. I mean, who wants to be perceived as average?

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Fair. Or or dumb. Yeah, also fair. I mean, I laugh at I laugh at myself when I'm stupid at work. It's very funny. Like when I like can't open a door, I just start laughing. I have an MBA and I cannot open this door.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Um that's not stupid, that's charming. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

I'm very charming sometimes. I love it. Uh okay, so like when you think about this, like not to be judgy, but have you ever seen someone where you're like, you're like, you're trying too hard to come across a certain way to be interesting, all that kind of stuff?

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Uh it's not as much to tell you the truth as being interesting. To me, that's not how I interpret it. It is to show off and to get attention. Um, but I also have to remember that yes, the behavior might be there, but the motivation or what's behind the behavior could be something totally different. So, for example, if I'm speaking with somebody, like I did not know that a common trait of ADHD is just talking all the time. So it just might be you're talking to somebody who like has ADHD and it's just like they're taking up a lot of space. I mean, what do you do? And like what's it what's important? I mean, let them talk. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

I think there's only been one time that I knew someone pretty well who wanted to be different just for the sake of being different, and like wanted to be quirky just because they wanted to be different. And I thought that was interesting because it didn't feel authentic, but in hindsight, I was like, maybe it was because to your point, no one wants to be average. But I'm like, do you actually like these things, or are you just doing it because you want to be different? And I'm not sure there's a and I I don't know, like to me, there's a difference.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

And and then the question is is they is it that they want to be different, or being different is the pathway or the method to get what they want, what they actually want, which could be attention, or it could be to be perceived a certain way. Like, you know, I I get it in terms of being different, but you know, being different isn't always, you know, doesn't always translate to what what it is that you want.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Yeah, I I agree with that. I mean, I think one of the um, you know, one of the questions I would say is like, if no one was watching, would you still be doing the same things? And like, yes, I would still be going to Gemma Mineral Clubs.

unknown 14:33

I know you would.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

I would. I really gotta get in there. Um but like would they have made the dressing decisions that they made if no one would would ever see them? Things like that. Maybe, I don't know. You know, it's also like not my business. It was more just something I found interesting. Um because it just felt like a lot of work.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

I don't have that much energy. I can't try to be that interesting.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

So but so then what about when you are in uh a higher stakes setting, such as let's just say a job interview.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

I mean, I don't try to be interesting. I try to just not be a man. That's the bar. That's the bar. Um I mean, I think that is all about curation, so I'm not sure it's I don't think of it the same way. Yeah, because there's a very specific goal, and you have to do what you gotta do to get to that kind of state.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

That's true. Do you I mean do you think there's like a pressure to be interesting? Like, do you feel that pressure yourself?

SPEAKER_01 15:59

I don't feel that pressure typically. I think that I kind of feel more pressure with starting conversations. Um I should say that that's uncomfortable for me in terms of let's just say I'm in a room that like one of the things my mother always says, if you and Spencer walk into that's my brother, if you and Spencer walk into a room of strangers, you're gonna be in the corner observing, and he's gonna leave knowing everybody in the room. Um and I would say that it's much easier for me if it's kind of like a smaller environment in terms of you know social engagement. I would say that I don't necessarily I don't think anyway I feel pressure to be interesting. I think that I assume the responsibility of trying to make other people feel comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

Yeah, I I think that's more like I think I maybe I used to like want to try to be interesting because I would want people to remember me, but then I kind of learned how networking actually works.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

And I was like, oh no, that's not it. You want to make them feel interesting.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah, exactly. And it could be, you know, asking questions, it could be playfully teasing, joking around, something like that, but it's always about the other person. Yeah, pretty much. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

And I get so nervous that I just ramble, and that's why it's like a skill that I do need to go back and do some more networking and things because I'm like, I need to like warm that skill back up.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

Looks ramble.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

What about in the workplace setting in terms of the pressure? Do you feel pressure to be interesting?

SPEAKER_00 18:02

I don't think I have in the past because it's all about competent to me, but in my current job, it's just such a different dynamic with my coworkers than I've ever had. That like there is a it's like the first time there's actually been an option to be liked. Because my job's been so hardcore in the past. Um, I don't think I try to be interesting, I think I focus more on trying to be supportive and like a good teammate.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Um, yeah, and I would say the same thing. So then I guess the question is where do you see actually what in what situations do you most see people kind of behaving in a way because they want to seem interesting? So, like before you were talking about um somebody, but you know, it could be a thing of where they just want attention. Like, where do you see the whole idea of just being wanting to be seen as interesting? Maybe it's social media, just in terms of you know, getting the attention from users so that people will subscribe and like the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

I mean, I think there's definitely social media reality um that it is very much a curated personality, like especially like on LinkedIn. Um then there's this reality around, you know, we do consciously make choices about what we reveal to people for different reasons, though. So I don't know if it's really always to be interesting. I think it's more often to be liked.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

I yeah, now that I 100% agree with. I and I think that it is as basic as being liked. Don't get me wrong, I think that there are some people who want to be admired. I think there are people who want to be envied. I think that all, yeah, but I do think that that is a common through line and just a basic desire to be liked. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

I mean, I think that's the longest short, like the longest short of it. Like, people want to be liked. Even people like me that often don't care if someone likes them, still wants to be liked. It's like a contradiction, but um at the same time, my you know, my friend was um like commenting, like, oh, you're really quiet around this person. And like, well, right, because uh they don't like me, and so I'm not gonna impose myself on them.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

But I could imagine somebody not liking you.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Well, in their defense, like I think we just got off on the wrong foot, so I don't think they're gonna like actively dislike me forever. Like they've kind of like eased up a little bit, but like I get why I rubbed them the wrong way, like, but yeah, no, that's and no, a lot of people don't like me. Because I, you know, like part of my job was to come in and be like, hey, you're not doing your job well. I need to help you do your job, and like who's gonna like that person?

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, 100%. I get that now. I totally get it.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Yeah, and so it's like fair enough. I don't think I'd like me either in those situations, but like that's less about me, right? Like, that's why it's easier to not take personally, is it's like, no, I get this. Like sometimes when I had to do that, I'd be like, they'd be like frustrated, like, well, I don't understand why you're having to do this. And I'd be like, that's very, very fair. It's just to hand like this person's just anxious, and we're all all I'm doing is telling you, like, is double checking, and I know you did a good job, and that we can tell them it was double checked and they'll feel better. That's kind of the best you can do. But I don't know, but like at work, I never felt like I had. To be interesting, I just felt like I had to be competent, and you know, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Um see, when I am quiet around somebody, there is a like factor in there, but it's that I don't like the person, and so I just will stay quiet.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

There's a little bit of that too for me. Yeah, I do that. I was like, you don't get to know me. Don't have anything nice to say. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm okay with that. Yeah, yeah. This is all true. I mean, okay, so it sounds like neither of us are particularly motivated to be interesting, but you know, to be fair, context matters. And we are in a different boat than maybe some others because we always have the medical stuff to follow.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

All ways. Like one of the benefits of being disabled is you never have to worry about uh people you know, conversation starters or you know, not saying something that would be interesting to folks.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Yeah. Do you okay? So anyone who's listening who's like does feel that pressure to be interesting for one reason or another, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_01 23:18

Oh, that feels the pressure? I mean, I would really invite people to think about why they feel the pressure. Like there has to be a reason and really try to identify and unpack that. Uh, because you know, when you think about relationships, big picture, you don't want to let this desire to be interesting get in the way or interfere with the real benefit that could come from a you know relationship, um, whether it is somebody that can help you down the road, somebody you might be able to help. Uh, you just never know. And if your priority is just being interesting, you know, there are first of all some people who have a very good um, you know, detector when it comes to inauthenticity. I feel like I'm one of them. And so, you know, you you risk turning folks off. Um, and yeah, I I would say really explore the why. What what would you think? What what advice would you give?

SPEAKER_00 24:31

I mean, I think all that's great. I think the only thing I would add is like just be interesting to yourself, and that just means doing things that you think are interesting from my point of view. Just do things you think are interesting, and that's that's good, and also get off social media.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Well, I can plus one that get off social media. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love it. But no, your life, it's it's it's I think back on you know, experiences that I've had that were not necessarily experiences that I was intrinsically motivated to pursue. And I will say there is a small part of those experiences where I'm grateful for because it taught me something. I also kind of think about all right, did I need to do that for so long to learn the lesson that I was intended to learn? So I say that to say that burning through time, doing something that is not of interest is not, in my opinion, a good way to live.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

I agree with that very, very much. And I think also there's a difference between doing something to be interesting for reasons that aren't feeding you, like filling you. And uh I actually think like doing something because it makes a good story is a great life strategy. Because that means it's fun and that means it's interesting to you, probably if you think it's a good story. So I like that.

SPEAKER_01 26:05

Yeah, I agree 100%.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

Yep. Some of the funniest, I mean, some of the things I am most proud of doing, it I think of as like it was a good story.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

You got a story out of it.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

I got a good story out of it, which I think is fun. So love it. Well, with that, again, get off social media and do things that you think are interesting. But with that, thank you everyone for joining this episode of the reboot diaries. Um, if you have any comments, questions, suggestions for topics, of course, go ahead and email us through my travel website at hello at meridian by Jessie. That's Jessie with an IE dot com. Thank you, everyone.