Episode 7 — How Do We Continue to Care Deeply Without Carrying Everything?

What happens when your greatest strength becomes your greatest burden?

In this episode of Al Grano con Nora, Nora Vargas reflects on a lesson decades in leadership have taught her: caring deeply doesn't mean carrying everything. Drawing from her journey growing up in Tijuana, crossing the border every day, and leading in public service, she explores how being resourceful can slowly turn into taking on responsibilities that were never ours to bear.

Through honest stories and practical insights, Nora examines the difference between helping and rescuing, leadership and over-functioning, and compassion versus self-sacrifice. This conversation is for anyone who has ever felt responsible for everyone else's problems—leaders, caregivers, advocates, parents, and changemakers alike.

If you've ever struggled to set boundaries while staying true to your purpose, this episode offers a powerful reminder: you can care deeply without carrying it all.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hola, hola. Welcome to Algrano con Nora, a real talk on power and possibility without the fluff. I'm Nora Vargas, and for more than over 30 years, I've worked in service as a community organizer, a nonprofit leader, a CEO, elected official, board chair, daughter, mentor, friend, and coach. And if there's something I've learned over those years, is this the people who care the most often carry the most, sometimes more than they should, sometimes more than it's theirs, and often without even realizing it. This season it's called Lessons from Leaning on the Front Lines. Not theory, but what actually holds. And today's uh conversation is one that took me decades to understand. And that is that the goal is not to stop caring, the goal is to learn how to care deeply without caring everything. So I want you to hear that again. The goal is not for you to stop caring, really, the goal is to learn how to care deeply without caring everything. And if you're anything like me, that's easier said than done. I've been thinking a lot about this lately because I just did a speech in Salinas, California. And part of the conversation as a speaker and as a coach, and um, you know, being a leader and sharing information and people invite you to really get them excited. Um, I really want to have conversations uh that are a little bit deeper, right, um, than just me going and giving a speech, but actually wanting to really have a conversation uh about um the like the why, because most of us spend our lives solving problems, helping people, creating opportunities, building organizations, leading teams, showing up for communities, showing up for one another. And so you begin to ask questions about what belongs to me and what doesn't, and what am I responsible for, and what am I simply trying to rescue? And those are all different things, and I don't always know the difference. And so today I want to, I really think part of this starts where where you come from. And you know, for me, I grew up in Tijuana, um, and every day across the border, every day I moved between two worlds in Spanish and in English. Now they call it code switching, right? But Mexico and the US, and so there were certain expectations that I had at home, another said at school. And like many first generation kids, I learned early on that if something needed to get done, somebody had to figure it out, and many times that somebody was me. So I learned how to be very resourceful, I learned how to solve problems, um, I learned to adapt, I learned to anticipate, I learned to make things happen, and those skills became superpowers for me. They certainly became my superpowers because being resourceful opened doors for me. It helped me navigate systems, it helped me become the first in many rooms, it helped me build a career, it helped me lead and it helped me survive. But here's what nobody tells you every strength also has a shadow, and that shadow side of being resourceful is believing that everything is yours to solve. And at first, it feels very noble, it's very helpful, very responsible. You tell yourself, I'll handle it, I'll figure it out, I'll take care of it, I'll make sure it gets done. And maybe that works for a while, right? They always say, if you want something done, give it to the busy person. And I used to wear that as a badge of honor. Now I realize that what that meant is that you start carrying things nobody asks you to carry, or you carry other things that should probably be delegated to someone else. You begin to only solve problems that sometimes belong to other people. You're worried about outcomes that you can't control. And so you're carrying responsibilities that really were never yours, and that weight starts to show. Not because you're weak, but because you're human. And so I remember periods during my years in public service when it felt like everyone was carrying something heavy, right? Families were worried about housing, communities were worried about health, workers worried about jobs, parents worried about their children, my team members worrying about just getting things done on a day-to-day basis. People will come to meetings, town halls, community events, and they weren't showing up with abstract policy questions. They were showing up with their lives, their fears, their frustrations, their hopes. And when you care deeply about people, you don't just hear their stories, you actually feel them. You carry them with you. At least I did, because I believe that leadership meant helping, and helping often became caring, carrying all of the weight of everyone else. And so that challenge is that leadership and caring are not the same thing. So I'll say it again. The challenge is that leadership and caring, carrying all of those things that other people have are not the same thing. Leadership is helping people move forward, caring is trying to move them forward for them. And those are very different things. One creates empowerment, the other creates exhaustion. And it took me years to understand that. Really years. I remember sitting in meetings, we already think I was already thinking about five problems ahead. I was solving issues before they emerge. I was trying to protect outcomes, trying to prevent mistakes, trying to make things easier for everybody else. And while that sounds very productive, it also can become a trap because eventually you realize something. You have built a system where everybody depends on you, and then you wonder why you're tired. The irony is that many of us create the very conditions that overwhelms us. Not because we're controlling, maybe we are a little bit, or not because we're arrogant, but because we care, because we want things to succeed, because the work matters, because the people matter, because the mission matters. And slowly, almost without noticing, caring becomes carrying, right? So caring becomes carrying. And the older I get, or as I say, the wiser I get, the more I think leadership is less about having answers and more about knowing where your responsibility ends. And that's harder than it sounds, especially for women, especially for Latinas, especially for first generation leaders, because so many of us were raised to help, to support, to sacrifice, to step in, to make things work. And those values are beautiful, right? Until they become expectations and then obligations, and then they become identities. If I'm honest, there were moments in my career where I thought my value came from how much I could carry, how many problems I could solve, how many fires I could put out, literally, how many people I could help, how much I could endure. But today I see things differently. Today I believe that leadership is not measured by how much you carry, it is measured by how much capacity you create in others. And that's a complete different metric. And so as we think about our no mancheus uh portion today, can we talk about this for a second? Our no mancheus uh takeaway is that somewhere along the way, we started acting like leadership means carrying the entire group project, right? The deadlines, the emotions, the mistakes, the forgotten tasks, the follow-up, the reminders, the backup plan, the backup plan for the backup plan. No manches, that's not leadership, that's unpaid emotional labor with a fancy title. And that's the that's the most challenging part. The people doing the most caring are usually the people least likely to ask for help. So we're here saying, I'm fine, I'm fine, come sa told, muy bien, no pasa nada, I'm good, I got it, if you know me, no pasa nada, hasta que pasa. But meanwhile, we're holding 17 different things together with coffee, determination, and a little bit of prayer. And no manches, that's not strategy, that's so that's survival. And eventually survival stops uh working because here's the truth: the goal isn't to become less caring, the goal is to become more discerning, to know what belongs to you and what doesn't, to know when to help and when to let people grow, to know when to support, when support becomes rescuing, right? To know when leadership becomes martyrdom, because being a martyr is not leadership, and yet so many of us are taught to celebrate it. The first one in, the last one out, the one who never says no, the one who always fixes, the one who sacrifices everything. And no manches, that's not sustainable, and it's not the example I want to leave behind. And I was sharing this when I was speaking the other day. Uh, I said to them, you know, we carry so much as a community and as individuals, right? Like, you know, and it's how do you create those boundaries so that you can make sure that even though you can hear the person in your cubicle, right? The cubicle next door to you say, like, ah, es que esto, I es que el otro, and then you're like, How can I help you? And I'm not saying don't be helpful. I'm just saying, is that your burden to also carry? So I want to leave you with something today, with El Grano, untu granito de oro. I want to leave you with something I shared recently during this this uh leadership gathering. I asked people to stop for a moment, to take a piece of paper out and write down everything taking space in their minds. The email, the bill, the family issue, the responsibility, the appointment, the thing they forgot, the thing they needed to do tomorrow, the thing that they worried about next month, everything. And then I asked them to leave it there. Just leave it there. And for a few moments, I wanted them to be fully present. Because what I had learned is this most of us are carrying far more than anyone realizes. And many of us have been carrying it for so long that we don't even notice anymore. But before you pick it all up back, I want you to remember something, right? I want to remember that your work matters, your family matters, your community matters, and the people who you serve matter. But so do you. You matter too. So, not because of your title, not because of your accomplishments, not because of your productivity, not because of what you can do for other people. You matter because you matter, period. And sometimes we need to hear that, especially those of us who spend our lives giving. So here's my question for you this week. What are you carrying that doesn't belong to you? Not what you're responsible for, but what are you carrying? That's the difference. Maybe it's someone else's growth, maybe it's someone else's choices, maybe it's someone else's reaction, maybe it's someone else's expectation, and maybe it's a problem you've convinced yourself only you can solve. What would happen if you put it down? Not because you don't care, but because caring and caring are not the same thing. The goal is not to stop caring, the goal is to learn how to care for others without losing yourself in the process. And that's a lesson, that's the work. And honestly, that's the leadership journey I'm still trying to learn myself. And so with that, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this space with me. If today's conversation resonated with you, I hope you'll share it with someone who needs to hear it, a friend, a colleague, a fellow leader, someone caring more than they should. And if this episode sparked a thought, I'd love to hear from you, leave a comment, send me a message, tell me what are you ready to put down. This is Algrano, real talk on power and possibility without the fluff. This is the American Dream Despite It All. Until next time, take care of yourselves, take care of one another. Y recuerden the goal is not to stop caring, the goal is to learn how to care deeply without caring everything. Nos vemos pronto.