Expect the Unexpected with Kristen Martin Eldridge

Caring for an aging parent is challenging in itself, but what if the one person helping you was suddenly faced with a serious health battle of their own? In this episode, we speak with Kristen Martin Eldridge, National Accounts Director at Reframe Financial. She is an insurance professional with more than 20 years of experience in the individual, multi-life, and group long-term care insurance and voluntary benefits industry. Kristen's personal story is a testament to working through challenges, getting things done, and doing the hard things. She details her experience caring for her mom, Rosemarie, and how the journey suddenly changed with the passing of her sister.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the In Between Years, where life doesn't come with a manual, but we've got the mic here to talk about aging parents, long-term care, and the conversations that no one wants to have. I'm your host, Holly Westerveldt. What would you do if, while you were caring for an aging parent, the one person helping you was suddenly facing a serious health battle of their own? And in a matter of months, everything you were sharing would become yours to carry alone. Our guest today is Kristen Martin Eldridge, who is the National Accounts Director with Reframe Financial, where she's worked for the past three and a half years. But Kristen is an insurance professional that has more than 20 years experience in the individual, multi-life, and group health long-term care insurance and voluntary benefits industry. Prior to Reframe, Kristen also has experience at Trans America and John Hancock, so she just has a wealth of knowledge to share with us today, in addition to her personal story. Kristen's story is a testament to working through challenges, to getting things done, and to doing the hard things. When listening to this, you're gonna wonder how she does it all. Today we're gonna talk about Kristen's mom, Rosemary. So, Kristen, thank you so much for joining us today.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Okay, thank you. I appreciate it so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

So if you don't mind, would you start just by telling us about your mom? Tell us about Rosemary, what her story is, and how you came to be in this caregiving journey.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Yeah, sure. So a little bit about my mom, Rosemary. She is 83 years young. I'm really lucky. I'm a very left control whoever is my mom. She's just a love. She's a love bugger. She's very protective. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever known. I know people say that about their loved ones and their parents, but uh, I really have to say, I don't think she has a jealous bone in her body. And if she if you needed the last dollar she had, she would give it to you. She's just that kind, loving type mother, individual and human. You know, she's gone through a lot of care journeys herself with her mother. And she's right now in a facility, and she's, you know, the only thing that really is hard to watch is that she sees people, you know, she's 83 in the story, you know, a few years back. She sees people her age still going on cruises and trips. And that's just not her reality, unfortunately, anymore. She's dealing with that in reality right now. So she worked really hard and was really proud to own her own home. And she was a single mum, raising myself and my sister. My parents divorced when I was about three. And my grandmother moved in for a mom when I was about four or five, and she was helping with that take care of us. So she was like another parent to me growing up. We grew up Italian, so my grandmother's afterboney from Montfamini, Italy. She was also loving and strip, Italian strip, but as I mentioned, another caregiving story with her took place in my 20s where she broke, uh fellow broke her hip and was in a cure fits a labor 10 years. So yeah, so I grew up with a lot of great, independent, strong, amazing women. So her cure, my mom's cure story started about 12 years ago. I was on my wing home from work and I went to I talked to my mom every day. It's the Italian way. We talk, you know, even in college, I had to call her and my mom and my grandmother every day. Are you okay? Is every yeah? So always checking on each other. But I went to call her in a wave woman from work one night and she didn't pick up. And I was like, okay, that's weird, and it was about at night. Called my sister to be like, hey, have you heard from mom? And found out her and her family had not heard from my mom probably since yesterday. So I wasn't feeling right about it. And I called, you know, I was like, all right, I kept calling, and I was like, I'm just gonna head over there. So about 11 o'clock at night. I ended up heading over to her house, and I got there, and the house was completely dark. Car in the driveway, which was not her, show is love TV, she's a night owl. So kind of like your worst nightmare. I was like, oh god, what is happening? You know what has happened? So I ended up having to gain access, true. It was all locked. She would have like the sforum doors locked, and get into the house, and she was in the dark and she was in distress. So yeah, and so rushed to the hospital, and all the fears and nerves that come who follow with that, and comes to find out she had a stroke. So this independent, you know, person who would get in her car and just go, this was a major life event. And it took about two months too to determine what was the cause. We were getting conflicting information from some doctors, and just didn't originally agree with their assessments, so we kept just advocating and fought. And luckily, the primary care physician referred us to an outstanding vascular surgeon who's out in Boston, Massachusetts. And he was able to pinpoint what happened, first of all, because we were still like there will be no walkings. It was a long journey to kind of even get there and fighting for her and advocating for her while she was in a rehab facility at the time for a couple of months. But he was able to pinpoint you know what happened, and he immediately told us she needs a pretty extensive and unique open heart surgery. So everything stopped right there, right? And was you know, wasn't the norm. So we put her in his hands and he he saved her life, which was amazing. Fortunately, after the massive surgery, she did pretty well, had good rehab again, a long rehab journey. She was back, but just different. Um yeah. And in the years that kind of followed that, she definitely started to need help. My sister was like, she's gonna start being held out with bills, so I'm gonna have to start working on that. And we also started to realize she needed home health care aids and shower assistance, like housekeeping, shopping. At first, she was not jazzed to have people in her home. You always line it. That's very common, yeah. I love to live in my home independently, you know, and so it took a little bit of nudging and you know, saying, and I know she would allow my sister and I to take care of her, but unfortunately, we were still we were working, and it just was like we professionals need to do this, people who are trained, and that's kind of where we came from. And we wanted to make sure she was safe, and so you know, we went that route. Fortunately, there was some really good, there was a really good uh healthcare agency in the area. She first started out about two days a week for a couple hours and then moved to about three days a week with different types of aides coming in in those days. Not gonna lie, there were some hiccups over the years, I imagine. In demands, dealing with folks not showing up or able to come. Some AIDS didn't work out, you know, personality-wise and things like that. So you have to navigate and always be present in that process because my name's the type of person that's like everybody, and then you'd come to find out like, oh, things were not gonna serve. See, you have to address that, right? So yeah, so that's when you got to be, you know, a kind of cohesive unit during that whole process. And communication, I always say, is very T what dealing with that and with loved ones in a situation when that happens. You know, things just like, you know, okay, so you have the aides, but you still have to make sure, like I said, you're advocating for mom. Does the aid have the list the shopping list that week, right? Do they have the money on the table to go to the shopping? You know, this one's kind of like then Mo is just kind of coming to light, and they, you know, they haven't used cash and things like that. Then we realized that she needed pill management help. And so that we decided, you know, that we were gonna take on and help because it just felt right. So we took turns every morning and evening to set up for bills, pills. She lived 30 not 30 minutes from me. Luckily, my sister where she works, she was in the same town. But if she were to travel from home to do it, it was 30 minutes. So pretty close, but still an hour round trip. Um commitment, yeah. And we have a small immediate family. So it was myself, my sister, my brother-in-law, um, and my niece taking turns during that phase. And as the years went on, we tried to start the call hard conversations of like, do you think this is the best thing for you to be home alone? My mom was fiercely independent again, proud of her, what she had built, what she had done, accomplished hard work, and she didn't want to leave. So she would not change her mind. And we tried, it was too many spectrum. But then the fall starting to happen. And she would call them slip and slides. And either rolling up the bed or in the bathroom, that was one that would, you know, so you're rushing over, you're getting those calls. Luckily, she did have a uh a life alert system on her wrist, and that was you know, tapped into the home towards the end of her time at home. They actually we put a walk box in the bathroom and then in the front at the end, so that the EMTs could actually get there quicker from the fire department as we're you know heading over.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

So those things little things people don't think about if they haven't been there, but that's a great bit.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Yeah. So then she started using a walker and she had her little group room which she mumped. But if you ask me, I think depression set in for sure for her, you know, with her existing heart condition when COVID hit, especially in a COVID hit. That was a tough time for anybody in those kind of scenarios. And she knows she lived alone. We tried to protect her, we were dropping off, we were doing her laundry. Also, we took turns doing her laundry. Primarily, I started doing it towards the end the most. But yeah, so I think that the anxiety of that, but I think the isolation that really took a mental toll on her for sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Yeah, um so how do you come to the decision? Like you said, the falls started to happen, but she did not, you know, want to leave her home. So, how did you get to the point where it was time and you really had to make that decision for her?

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah, so intentionally, unfortunately, she had one fall that resulted in a broken rim, and then she shortly after that had another fall that presented multiple back fractures. And so she had we found out she had tremendous osteoporosis, and we found out surgery was not going to be an option. She was in rehab again, and she was excruciating pain. It was really hard to watch. And we did everything though to try to work on you know different ideas, you know, PT. After you know, my grandmother's fall, she was in a facility, so she was anyone when she fell. She had you know probe for hip. She had surgery, but she never couldn't walk again. Mentally, she was great, but she was in the care facility for 10 years, and I always felt just so hard. You know, at the time that happened, my my mom was still working, like my grandmother's two children have moved to Florida to retire, and my mom's house just wasn't set up for wheelchair access. And so when this was all happening, I'm just thinking reliving my grandmother's you know experience like how do we get our home? How do we get our home? So, you know, tapping into like ACLFs and things like that. And around here, there we don't really have a lot of facilities, to be honest with you, at the level of care that she needed. She ended up being a two-assist or a boy lift to get out of bed. And there were very few in the area besides a tried to trim harassing home. So for a bit, we, you know, I was like, you know, we've explored all the options, we're trying to see what the PT can do. We even talked about like how do we get her home and we do it ourselves, but it just wasn't gonna work out, unfortunately. And so we went with the approach of laying it all out to her. We got some suggestions from people like, well, you know, your POA, you could go and just she's that's still her house. So I, you know, I said to my sister, I go, We need to sit her down, we need to explain everything that you know has happened, how she's worked, how we've worked, and just say, What do you want us to do? And that's how we approached it with her. And that, you know, she paused for a second and she said, You're gonna have to sell the house. And and so I know that was probably the most heartbreaking thing for her after 50 years of living in that home, and so proud of it. But she was like, and now I'm gonna have to transition from the rehab section here to the long-term care section. And yeah, you know, she's dealing with that, you know, and but I'm glad she made for us the best was that she made that decision. She came to that, so yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

It sounds like that's a really tough conversation that you guys were managed very well with her in letting her come to her conclusions about it versus you know having to take the steps to force it. I mean, that's never fun, and I know some people have to do that as part of their journey, so very fortunate that your mom is strong and independent, but also you know, willing to understand you know the choices on the table. So very fortunate for that. So so now she's ready to move to the long-term care, and you and your sister are working on selling the house. So so I know the journey gets a little bumpy at that point. So tell us what happened there.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

So as that decision was being made, unfortunately, my sister phoning my sister and I um so she got so she started not feel well. And so we're trying to get the house prepared. Again, it's like one day my my mom went to the hospital and just never came in. So it's like 50 years of belongings and items and memories, and you're going through that. And so she she started getting ill. And so, you know, trying to take care of that situation, and then unfortunately, my sister's health escalated to being in an ICU for almost six and a half months at the end of town in the young hospital for eight and then passing away.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Oh my goodness. So all at the same time, and trying to take care of mom and get her transitioned and deal with the stuff, you know. And I know we've talked on this podcast before about the thing of dealing with the stuff is honestly a surprise for a lot of people, just how difficult that is. And so to your support system, your sister, you know, the one that you're going through this with to have to all of a sudden not only go through that alone, but also, you know, you want to be there for your sister, I'm sure, you know, as she's going through her health journey and and things, you know, are a struggle on that side. I can't imagine, you know, what that took just to get through all of that for you. And you know, I know you're still going through this journey, and I know this hasn't been terribly long ago, you know, that all of this, that all of this happened. But wow, you know, so now you've got your mom, you know, your sister unfortunately isn't with you anymore to help you, and now you're by yourself, you know, and so you know, what's that transition been like? I mean, what have you learned through that and how is that going?

SPEAKER_01 15:16

Yeah, it's hard. Because you you know, because actually, you know, the the way life has always been a tag team type of approach. Luckily, and do we have another who was amazing, who has also just my my cousin passed away at 39 a year ago. So she kind of wanted to get busy, and she was like, Distract me from my grief. I'm gonna help you. And it's been an amazing source for me. But she has her own life too, you know, and she has a son down in Mississippi that she's gonna go visit next month, so she's gonna be gone for a month. So it's trying to like, you know, really re-evaluate where are your resources, how do you, you know, how do you use those resources effectively. I've had some great friends also who have tapped in to help. But uh, it's the like you like you mentioned, I think this platform is wonderful, Holly, because you do feel alone, but you're not alone. Like just hearing the stories and re you know, replaying the podcasts that you've done so far, just it just reassures you that you're like, you're not alone in this journey. And there are resources and things like that. During the whole point, uh, you know, the house situation and moving her in, and I realized that I couldn't do it all by myself. So I ended up tapping into an elder care attorney who's also an attorney that worked with us on some of our wills and POA and healthcare proxies a few years ago. And I called him up and I was like, I just need help. And in in UK, can you do this? And uh, fortunately he was a lifeline as well during that process, and I was fortunate enough to be able to have that resource, and he had the background of all some family members having to sell their homes, you know, their loved ones' homes. So that has that was a big and I still tap into him today on things that come up, even and it's just been helpful. But yeah, just trying to give yourself grace. I always tell people as well, is a big thing, you know, every day, deep breaths. Uh it's definitely emotional, it's heartbreaking, but and your loved one is my mom every day is like, oh, thank you so much. You know, just that, you know, she took care of me. She did so much thing, you know, so much sacrifice for me that it's now my time to give back. And even though it's hard, you know, the resources and navigation, you know, they're there, and you just have to talk to friends and you know, just give yourself grace and give yourself a pause.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

It is so true. It is so true. And very fortunate that you knew an elder law attorney, you know, that could help. I think not everybody realizes what a resource that can be. And so I think that's tremendous advice to people facing your situation that there is help out there. There is there are lots of resources and things, and it can take that burden, just a little bit of that burden off your plate. It doesn't mean your plate isn't still fully burdened. Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

Well, no, it's just uh it definitely is a huge help. And I also talk about just like the mental health aspect of all this too.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

I have a therapist, you know, and it's God blessing because you have to take care of yourself because if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of her and your family at home and you know, your life too? Because, you know, I know you mentioned like your aunt and she has her own life, but so do you too. You know, yeah. I know you like we talked about in the beginning, and when I was reading your bio, you've got a full-time job, you know, and you're still navigating all of this. And, you know, and it's a shout out to to reframe your employer. You know, just I know you mentioned to me how flexible and wonderful they were with you. And, you know, for any employers out there, you know, us caregivers, you know, as we're going through these journeys, that flexibility is tremendously important, but it also creates a ton of loyalty from your employees. You know, we don't forget that. So just I want to give them a nice shout out.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

I can't, you know, I can't thank them enough during this whole situation. I think it's just because of our mission, too, and our passion to help people navigate this emotional and financial world that this all creates. So it yeah, I really thank them wholeheartedly for you know, setting the stage of being a really an employer who really taps the talk for what they are trying to do for consumers and partners as well. So to their employees. So agree.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

So so let's since we're talking about that and your experience in the industry a bit, you know, tell me what changes do you see in the industry? Positive changes, negative changes, but what do you see that that might help or impact families moving forward?

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Yeah, no, I'm I'm excited that there is continued and more awareness for LTC planning. You know, I've been in the industry for 25 years, and there's still people who be like, what do you do? But I think more that's less as the years progress, and the support tools that I'm seeing that are coming out with products and services, particularly around the mental health piece and policies that are for support for not only the policy holder, but their extended family as well. I think that is so critical in those types of services. I'm also encouraged by the different products and programs coming to market that I think are more people are they're hearing from people and saying, okay, not one size fits all, right? And I think people, because there's more of a buzz again, and people are understanding the gravity of this all and going through life experiences. I think more people are open to now, asking their brokers, financial advisor, you know, family, their employers and associations, do you offer programs, how to how to get access to those, you know, and then different products that are coming to market that meet different people's needs. You know, it doesn't, you know, just covering not one, but multiple pronged solutions, I think is very encouraging and happy to see.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. There are so many more solutions out there than there used to be. And you said it right that not one size fits all. I also agree so much that there is a lot of caregiver support wrapped around these policies, these products, which is huge because we have to support the caregivers, you know, and even when, like your mom, you know, being in a facility, you know, people might think that's easier. It's not necessarily easier. You know, there's still a tremendous amount you have to do. And I know you still talk to her, you know, all the time and are still, you know, managing that care all the time. And so, you know, those resources for people in every situation are super critical. So as we kind of run up on our time here, I just one last question for you. You know, what is something that nobody tells you about this journey as you embark on it?

SPEAKER_01 21:45

To expect the unexpected, yeah, yeah, it's and it's okay. Like I said, give yourself grace. It's kind of you know, it's a heart, it's emotional. But it will be okay. And you know, like yesterday before we talked. I mentioned I had a I had to leave for a pure pure situation that was going on with my mom. Even though she's in that facility, it's 24-7, you know, you can get a phone call at any time. But I just think it it's also I looked at her at one point. Um, and I was like, this is also a time that I get to enjoy her, even though there's a situation, there is some, you know, there's joy on both sides of it, you know. And so I I hate that she's, you know, in a place that she never accepted to be at this age, but I also I value the time that I get to spend.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Yeah, but that time is definitely a blessing. And I've never talked to a single caregiver that regrets the time that they got to spend with their loved one and getting to care for them. I mean, everyone just cherishes that time that they had. So, and I certainly know that you do too. Well, Kristen, that is our time for today, just running out. But I thank you so much for sharing Rosemary's story and the journey that you've been through. I know other caregivers are going to appreciate hearing from you because, like you said, it is a community. We are not alone. You know, we all go through these journeys, and it's hard, and it's so helpful just to hear that you're not alone and you're not the only one there. So I really so much appreciate you sharing that with us. And everyone listening, please be on the lookout for the next episode of the In Between Years coming your way next month. Have a great one.