Crisis Talks: Menopausal misophonia?

Welcome back to Crisis Talks, where the moaning continues-and this time, it’s all about noise-related irritations that push us over the edge.

From loud chewing and misophonia triggers to snoring partners, whistling coworkers, and bizarre phone ringtones, this episode is a full-on rant about the everyday sounds that midlife women simply do not have the tolerance for anymore.

If you’ve ever felt irrational rage at someone breathing too loudly… this one’s for you.

What We Cover in This Episode

• The ultimate trigger: chewing gum with your mouth open
• What is misophonia—and why certain sounds make you want to scream
• The workplace noise hall of fame
• Finger tapping
• Whistling colleagues
• Loud breathing & throat clearing
•  Snoring struggles: partners, kids, holidays… no one is safe
• The reality of midlife sleep disruption and why everything feels louder
• The return of early 2000s novelty ringtones (and why they need to go)
• Why your tolerance for noise completely disappears in midlife

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Hello. Still moaning? Still moaning. I surprised myself then. I was like, oh, I've forgotten that this was on. How good I am at complaining. Do you know what it is? I've changed Zoom. I don't know if you've noticed this. That's changed, yeah, yeah. You don't have to ask permission anymore to come in. No. Which is much easier and better. But it keeps surprising me that you're here. Hi, hi. Hello. All right. Yeah, alright. Love and moan. Love and moan.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

So we're on crisis talks, the moan. Back for another moan. Noise related. I mean, God, I you can carry on, carry on, carry on, carry on. Oh my god, yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Well, can I start with the one that irritated me last night, which I had to write in our notes straight away. In fact, I wrote it as it was happening because it was just too annoying. I don't know if I've even seen this. Have you not?

SPEAKER_00 1:16

I've seen this.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Oh, I have seen it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

So let me let me set the scene for you. So I've gone to my piano lesson, and there's in in where we do our piano, there's like a tiny little waiting room that's probably got room for maybe three people at the most to sit in. So it's that's how small it is. It's not a big room at all. So I'm sitting in there and I'm just on my phone waiting for my lesson. And presumably the parent of the boy who was in before me came in. And you know when you just get a sense of someone, they're gonna be irritating.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Yeah, I do. Yeah, but you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 1:56

It's like an irritating vibe, isn't it? Like there's a vibe about them.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

So I just carried on with my phone, said hi as she walked in, and and just carried on with what I was doing. And she sat down and it was like I don't know how I can explain it, but it's like it was an attention-seeking sit-down. You know, if I'd have given her if I'd given her an inch, she would have started talking to me. And I thought, I'm not in the mood for talking to you, pal. So because she'd start because I didn't start talking to her, she went she went to you've just been a joy this week, haven't you? I know I've been I'm so miserable. So she just started going. And then she's looking out the window going she's chewing a chewing gum.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Why did you why did she why do you have to open your mouth?

SPEAKER_01 2:46

When you chew chewing gum. She was chewing her chewing gum with her mouth open, like looking around the room, so it wasn't even like I mean, I don't really chew chewing gum anymore because I don't particularly like it, but if you chew it, you kind of chew it quietly.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. No, I know what no, I do know exactly what you mean. You don't need to open your mouth, do you? You just should keep your mouth shut.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Not when this and it was like a really like a child would do. That's what I think that's what really irritated me. I'm like, you you're clearly like a 50-year-old woman. Why are you chewing chewing gum like that?

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Well, she's a 50-year-old woman as well, she should know better. Exactly. How annoying that would be. Oh no. You should have just clamped her mouth shut.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

I know. I know. So I kept rested. You know, when you start doing like passive aggressive type things to try and make them understand that they're really irritating you without saying at one point I thought I've got to really hold, I've got to really hold myself together because I How long were you sat there with her for? Not very long, probably about five minutes. But but by the end of the five minutes, I was like, I'm gonna have to say something to her. I'm gonna have to tell her to stop chewing because I can't, because I do have a real issue with people chewing noises. I I can't, I'm not very good. I've not I there is like a phobia of it, isn't there? I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, I'll look it up in a minute, but everything though, isn't there? There is a phobia of everything.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

I mean, can you tell somebody to just stop chewing?

SPEAKER_01 4:23

I mean, I do some of the issues stop chewing. My dad is a big chewing gum chewer, and he when he's on the phone to me, he'll be like talking and going in the background all the time. Which I just have to say, Dad, you're gonna have to get rid of that chewing gum if you want to talk to me. I can't deal with it.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Chewing just generally though, it's just not the best, is it? The noise.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

No, it's not the best. I'm gonna look it up for you. Here you go. It's called misophonia. It's a condition characterized by a decreased tolerance to specific sounds such as chewing, slurping, or tapping.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Menopausal women.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Misophonia which trigger intense emotional or psychological or physiological responses like anger, anxiety or disgust. That is me.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

It's definitely linked to just hormones, though, isn't it? Or lack of hormone, as in your tolerance levels. Tolerance, definitely. I don't understand the noise thing though. No, because everything like noise irritates me so much now, and I don't think it ever, I don't think it used to, but like there's a bloke behind me in work who drums his fingers on the desk, and honestly, I'm surprised he's got any fucking hands left because I'm sat there just going, he's gonna those those fingers they're coming off in a minute. I've got whistling bloke and drumming guy. Forgotten about whistling bloke. Oh, he's back, he was back this week. Oh god, yeah. But what is it with the noise? Like, I don't think that would have annoyed me like ten years ago.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

No, probably um and I can probably deal. No, can I? No, I do I am often telling people to stop doing things in the office.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Yeah, see, I I can I feel rude. Stop dumping your fingers on that desk. Like you've come across like some lapsute raving lunatic.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

It's only at certain days, but there are some days where I do have to say, can you just stop doing that because it's really irritating me?

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Yeah, I need to start doing that though. Any other noises? Well, unfortunately, Dave has got an infection in the back of his tooth and he's having his tooth taken out on Tuesday. But as a result of this, he has to keep squeaking the top of his tooth. Oh no. So there's this squeak that occurs. Now, it's not his fault, but can you recreate the squeak for me? I can't I it's it's like a you can't really recreate it because I've not got a hole in the top of my tooth. No, I don't think that well, you're pulling that face for it's not like I wasn't doing that, was I?

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Like a rabbit.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Actually, don't bring you that.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

No like a possibly I can't, I I don't know. I might have to send it to you on a voice note. Um look forward to that. Um but anyway, yeah, that happens quite often. And I do like I have used I sit there and I've got I've got to just grit me through, and then I stare at him like and then he he looks over and he's like, I know, but it irritates me more than it irritates you, and I'm thinking I doubt it very much.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

I think definitely mouth-related noises are the worst. Yeah, what is it?

SPEAKER_00 8:08

It's weird, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 8:09

And it's a whole moral thing. Why is it? It's weird. I don't know. You know when um and I am a bit of a bugger for this as well. You know, when some you've got like a someone's got a dry mouth and they're talking, oh I'll tell you what Neil does. Oh no, no, I've got a better one. I've got a better one. Oh god, go on. This isn't meant to be mourning about husbands, is it? So um and I'm gonna say it is gonna say I'm gonna sound awful. Neil allows his voice to get flea, he doesn't do a throat clear frequently enough. So Neil, don't listen to this because I say it so many times and sometimes when he's talking and it's getting flammier and phlegmier, I'll start going, um no.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Oh, we're just horrible, aren't we? I think we're just horrible people.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Like, do we not make any noise?

SPEAKER_00 9:15

We must do something like annoying.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Yeah, I definitely do. What was I doing the other day? So Alyssa, who I sit next to, is terribly sensitive about noises as well. And I was itching my eye, and you know, sometimes if your eyes are bit dry and it clicks. So I was doing that and it was clicking, and she she let me do it for about literally two seconds, and then she went, You're gonna have to stop doing that. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

Oh, at least you do it as well, though. Oh yeah, no, I know I'm not. I kind of like flick my nails, which is a bit of an annoying sound.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

I do that. I'll I'll admit to that. Because we're not all perfect, are we? Only practically perfect, aren't we? Well, we might as well snore, do you snore?

SPEAKER_01 9:55

We'll we might as well go all in with snoring now, might we? Because this is fully aimed at all. Oh Olivia started it. James started it. James started it. I think I probably do snore, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

I snore, I def yeah, I do, yeah. I don't think I'm allowed to snore. Dave's gonna just go, oh, when he listens to this anyway, because I've moaned about his tooth clicking, but you'll probably be like you make sure noise.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Um but I bet I think I'd lightly snore. I bet when you snore, I think everyone lightly snores. I think that's I don't think you because you relaxes, doesn't it? So you can't not snore. But I bet you don't snore so loudly that you can hear the snoring from three floors away.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

No, definitely not. Yeah, no. Now Dave now doesn't actually snore very much. Really? No, but since he stopped drinking. Yeah. It's definitely that, yeah. Because it's not you're not as heavy, I suppose. Um, yeah, but if you've had a drink, I mean I'm sure I definitely snore when I've had a drink. I mean, I don't sleep when I've had a drink, so I don't think I do, but you just don't sleep anyway, so there's no chance of you snoring.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

The thing that really gets me, so I I now sleep with um earplugs in. It's the only way I can get any sleep whatsoever. But there's times when I can even hear the snoring through my very good noise-cancelling earplugs. And so the other night in particular, I mean, obviously I've had a bad week, haven't I? But we we had got to a really good point, me and Neil, where if he was snoring, I would literally just lit have to tap him lightly on the shoulder, and he would subconsciously stop snoring in his sleep because I'd be so long aware. Yeah, um, but now he's now he's a bit older and he's sleeping a bit heavier, and he snores in whatever position, so it's no longer just a back snore, there's a side and a front snore as well. You can't shove. And I'm like, Are you actually joking me?

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Oh no, it's awful though, isn't it? Really? I don't know how you stop this. I mean, James, it's quite funny with Olivia moaning about the snoring because it's obviously in a hostel as well, so there's other people. And I think Olivia's like, he's snoring, and like she'll get like second-hand embarrassment because she'll be like, Oh no, it's a brother, oh, he's annoying, you know. It then goes, obviously, because it's a brother, it's even worse, isn't it? Yeah, of course, yeah. And then she's shoving him, and what cracks me up, he'll just be like, Well, I didn't get any sleep because Olivia was kept shoving me all the time, and then she's just going, You're joking, you've been asleep, oh, you'll have loads of sleep. Just been snoring all night, and I've not had any sleep, and I'm just laughing me out thinking this is hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Brother and sister. That's the worst though, when someone's snoring and you're not close enough to them to stop them. Like, I remember like whenever we when the kids were little, we'd stay somewhere, and I would always sleep in the bed with the girls or with whoever was there, and Neil would normally sleep on a couch or something, or like along on the floor next to us or whatever. And he also had this really bad habit, he's not done it so much now because he tends to fall asleep on the couch, that if he's had a drink, he would sleep on the floor or he would take himself on the floor. Yeah, it was just a thing that he used to do when he had too much to drink. Do you not remember? Do you not remember as an aside? Whose wedding was it? Oh no. Emma and Matt's wedding when I was pregnant, and Neil got absolutely wasted, like to the point of ridiculousness, and he took himself off to bed. And I think I went to bed about midnight, and obviously wasn't drinking because I was pregnant, and I had to come back down and get Dave because he'd fallen asleep in front of the hotel door. So I couldn't. Oh, do I do remember yeah?

SPEAKER_00 13:49

You could open the door, I do remember that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Oh and Dave had to like gently shove him out of the way.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Oh dear, but he was snoring then.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Oh well.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

And if he was too far away from me to do anything about it, I'd just have to lie there and listen. Like, there's no you can't stop them from doing it then, can you?

SPEAKER_00 14:17

No. Oh, it's awful. It is awful because you just tuned into it, aren't you? Just getting more and more like angry about it, aren't you? Please be quiet.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Shit, be quiet. The regularity of it, isn't it? You know, when you hear someone snoring on the train, and once you've heard it, you can't stop hearing it. You can't unhear it, yeah. And then it's like the regularity of the noise, it gets or there can be a lull, though.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

It can be a lull, and you think, Oh, oh no, they've stopped. Brilliant, brilliant. And you get yourself into like the comfy position, you think, yes, this is it, and then all of a sudden, you're like, stop snoring. Oh god, dear snoring. I mean, I'm sure uh, like we said previously, women across all the thousands of listeners that we have will all be agreeing with us. Uh yeah, I think maybe some men to be fair, because I'm like, I'm not putting this solely at the bloke's door.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

No, and I'll I'll I'll own up something now because um yeah, I'll own up to it. So when um when I first became obsessed with my ability or inability to sleep, I got an app on my phone which recorded your noises at night to see how well you'd slept. I can't remember what it was called. It was like everyone had it at that point. And um I was recording it one night and I listened to it back and I was like, oh my god, have you heard that snoring? That is ridiculous. And Neil went, What time is that? I can't remember whatever time he went, I hadn't even gone to bed then. Oh, and it was you!

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Me so I definitely quite proud of that. And you were like, Oh yeah, I don't look at that. Look at listen to this, I had a great sleep. I don't remember recording myself snoring. What's that weird app? I don't know, I can't remember what it was called.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Oh no, well, I don't do it, I don't do any of that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

No, not even got a smartwatch.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Not even got a smartwatch, got a stupid watch.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Much better. Is it much better? Are you sleeping better? Are you sleeping better?

SPEAKER_01 16:31

I think I am sleeping better, yeah. I still have bad bad days, bad nights. Yeah. But I think as a rule, I feel like I am sleeping better, yeah. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Since you got rid of the watch, but do you think that that is the sole reason?

SPEAKER_01 16:45

I think the watch was a big part of my. Um I think I've de-stressed myself as much as I can as well. Yeah. Like, um, and the watch was a big part of my stress. So because you got notifications every time you got a message and a WhatsApp, and uh, you know, it was the ping ping-ping of the watch and all of those things. And you know, I I'm going to bed a bit earlier. I've put my phone on the other side of the room and all the good things that you meant to do. So I think it's a combination of everything, really.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

That's good. It's really good. Yeah, I'm sleeping alright again. Hadn't slept a wink for a week. I'm getting up at like three in the morning. I just just jet lag really, and then just like yeah, worrying the kids. Where are they? What are they? But now I'm alright. Yeah. Good. Yeah, you just needed a reset. Yeah. It's good it's it's having a bit of a routine as well, isn't it? I mean, you do like, even though it's slightly boring, it does like sort me out really. Yeah, I agree. Sleep. Yeah. Like movement and you know, all of it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

How's the gym been this week? Because you were a bit you were a bit worried about your ability to lift heavy weights.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

Oh well, I went again this morning, I was slightly better this morning, actually. Oh, that's good. So yeah, it's it's alright. A bit aching though. But so I um it's good though, because I'm actually right in the zone. So before I went off on holiday, I was a bit like I was going to the gym, but half-assed. You know, when you're like, oh not really, can't be arsed. Now, like this morning, I was in a completely different mindset. It's like, right, I am going to do this properly. I mean I did your head and your body's all like it's it's very links, isn't it, when you're training like that. Definitely. Um and I did it properly this morning, yeah. Yeah, so I felt quite good. And I'm like, right, I'm going, I'm I'm going Sunday morning, and I already know I'm going on Sunday morning to the gym. And there's no deviating from that. Whereas before I went on holiday, it was like, well, I might go on Sunday, or I might quite fancy a lion, or there might be something else. Do you know, like not like that? Yeah, it's good, good. But that's just having a bit of a reset, I think.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Yeah, definitely routine helps. I couldn't agree more with that. I think it's just gives you that focus, doesn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Any more noises that we've as we've got a noise focused crisis talks.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

I think about the gym. Yeah, hooing noises in the gym. Um well there's so I mean there are so many annoying noises, aren't there? I think anything mouth related is annoying and like eating tapping.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Just tapping, people drumming their fingers, people like banging their hands on stuff, people like jigging the leg under a jigging.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Jigging the leg, yeah. Jig leg jigging's irritating.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Leg jigging.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

But leg jigging isn't just noise, it's the vibrations, and sometimes it rattles a table as well.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Yeah. What is wrong with your leg? Why are you doing it? Like, why are you jiggling your leg? Is that a nervous thing? Well, it probably is. I think it must be, yeah. I think it must be. You've just got to sit still, stop breathing, stop talking, just sit. Breathing is a bad one, actually. If someone does breathing loud, you know when people can't breathe through the nose and then they breathe through their mouth. Yeah. Breathe louder. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Oh I tell you what, someone does it where it's um it's a boy thing, this I think. They do like a noise. You know, when they like clear in their oh yeah. That noise. Yeah. Quite frequently.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

And that's over and over. It's like a yeah, I don't know, I can't really explain it. I mean, clearing your throat, I kind of understand if you've got to do it, but not all the time. No. No, it is like a proper They may have some sort of disorder.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

I don't know. I just think it's boys are disgusting, aren't they? Oh dear. Or they've got a disorder. In which case it's not disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Oh god, I can't think of many of the noises that annoy me. I don't really know. No, it's just that kind of general tapping. Well whistling, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

Oh, I've got one. I've got another one. Oh. And then we'll go, I promise, because we've probably gone a bit too long for crisis talks. Um it's only because my phone just pinged and I thought I'd put it on silent. People have who have quirky phone noises. Because that Yes. That was a that was an early noughties thing, wasn't it? When we first got agreed. And you had you like downloaded your favourite song to be your ringtone, or you had like quirky message noises or whatever like that. And we get a lot of that in our office. And it's just like just have a ping, just have a ding. Doesn't matter. Why can't you do that? Yeah, just yeah, you don't need you got a text. Yeah. Remember that one.

unknown 22:09

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

It's the wife. It's the wife. When your phone rings.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

It's the wife. That's going in the bottom of the toilet, that phone.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Yeah, quirky ring tones and uh and and message noises. That can go in. That's my last one. Just general quirkiness.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

That can go in.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

We did have quirkiness on the list, but we didn't have time for it. Oh, for every one oh no, we'll put that in next time. We've got loads. We've got loads to hang over to next time. Right, we better say bye. Yeah. No more moaning. Moaning's done. We should really end it with a quick round of positivity.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Um well we've been quite positive. Before we started moaning, I think we were positive. I've had a great week, I've had a good day. The sun's been out this week. The sun has been out, and my garden's looking mint. Oh, is it? Yeah, see, my garden still needs a bit of help, but we've got the van sorted, gave that a clean. Everything's good. Oh, well, there you go. Everything's good. See? Work was fine. So you know, it's all good.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

There you go. Love it. We go again.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

We go again next week. And it's Saturday tomorrow, so that'd be next. Yeah. Yeah. And then Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

We're scraping the barrel.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Okay, time to go. Right, all right then. I will see you next week. I'm sure we'll come up with something for next week. Oh, we've got loads of ideas. Give us some things to talk about, people. Write in. Write in. We will literally talk about anything. Can you remember the uh email address? Oh, can I? No way. Can't remember my own email address. Midlife. Hello midlife. Hello midlife. At iCloud.com. At iCloud.com. Oh, that's actually quite easy, yeah. Yeah. It's the Instagram thing that confuses me because it's underscore, isn't it? Midlife underscore.

SPEAKER_01 24:20

But I think if you just searched midlife no crisis, you'd find us.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Yeah. Okay. Thanks for that. No props. All right. Right. Okay. Have a good weekend. You two. I'll see you next week. See you next week. Bye. Bye bye, bye, bye, bye.