Midlife: The mental load, or are we just control freaks?

Ever feel like your brain is running a never-ending to-do list? In this episode of Midlife No Crisis, we dive headfirst into the reality of the mental load—from life admin and invisible labour to the emotional weight many women carry every single day.

What starts as a very British chat about the weather (and a questionable post-gym no-shower confession…) quickly turns into an honest, relatable conversation about midlife overwhelm, juggling work and family, and why it often feels like women are the default project managers of life.

We unpack:

• What the mental load really is (and why it’s more than just chores)
• The concept of “unpaid labour” and why it disproportionately affects women
• Why even in modern relationships, the planning still falls to one person
• The impact of kids, school emails, birthdays, and endless life admin
• Whether we’re subconsciously creating the problem ourselves (controversial…)
• The balance between control, delegation, and letting things be “done differently”

With candid stories, humour, and a few brutally honest truths, this episode explores why so many midlife women feel overwhelmed—and asks the big question: can we actually change it?

✨ Plus: campervan life updates, viral TikTok moments, and why organising a simple meet-up can feel like climbing a mountain.

👉 Don’t miss Part 2 (“Crisis Talks”), where we’ll share practical ways to lighten the load and reclaim your time.

Don't forget to subscribe and share with your friends.

Keep in touch, follow our socials or send an email to hellomidlife@icloud.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:24

Hello. All right. Yeah, I'm not bad, are you?

SPEAKER_04 0:29

Yeah, I'm alright. The sun's just scraped. It's been like black as anything.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

We've just had a massive well, a few thunderstorms.

SPEAKER_04 0:38

Oh right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Well it went like really dark, didn't thunder, but my hair looking ridiculous because I was getting out of the car and it's like two five metres from the car to my front door, and I literally looked like I'd walked through a bath on the way to the ball.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Oh no, that bad.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Yeah, it's that proper rain, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 0:59

Just go away with this weather.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

It's really really bad, isn't it? It's all everyone talks about is the weather. Oh sorry. No, but it's very British, isn't it? We said that. I said that to someone the other day. It's like all we can say is is weather, weather, weather.

SPEAKER_04 1:15

So moving on from the weather. And I do look a bit of a mess, I apologise, because I've just realized I went to the gym this morning. This is a really bad confession. I went to the gym at 7am this morning and I've still not had a shower.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Oh nice. I've got you lovely, lovely smells coming off you.

SPEAKER_04 1:32

I just didn't have time. I got back and I was like, oh no, well, I was there longer than I thought, and I was like, oh shit, I had to like log on quick for work. And I was like, oh, it'd be alright, I'll have a I'll have a shower in a bit. Anyway, the day ran away with me. Yeah, I've done that. Never mind. Do you know what? Don't really care.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

No. And it's not like you in general public, is it? So it's fine. No, no one cares. No one cares.

SPEAKER_04 2:02

And it's been good going back to the gym. I feel alright.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Do you? I was gonna ask you about this because I've I had a little week off last week because you meant to every so often, aren't you? Have a rest of it.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

So I've come back to it this week and I've not eased, I probably should have eased back in a little bit more. I did I did the leg day yesterday. Honestly, I've been walking like an old woman today. People have laughed at me as I've walked past. Oh no. You know when you like, and you know, when you stand up and it's like, oh, it's my quads, really dumb my quads.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

So yeah, well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Yeah, that's what happens when you have a week off then.

SPEAKER_04 2:41

Well, not normally a week, I'm not normally that bad.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

I know. Well, I think I must have just I don't know, maybe I picked up a bigger weight than normal, I don't know. Anyway, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

Oh Doms. Yeah, not mine. I'm alright now. They were really bad last week when I first went back, but obviously after I'm three weeks off. Yeah, yeah. Um got rid of my facial hair as well.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Have you?

SPEAKER_04 3:06

I can tell you. Can you see it now? Where it disappeared from black of beard. Uh yeah, what else is that on this thing? Dave had his tooth ripped out.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Oh, did he?

SPEAKER_04 3:22

Oh my god, it was awful. I'll send you a picture of it. Why? Well, you don't want to see a picture of it really, but it's quite interesting. It's got a massive hole in it, it's disgusting. The tooth has. Yeah. Oh wow. It's like rotten rotten, like infected. And it was just a pile. Anyway, so he's he's better though. Now they've taken it out.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Yeah, I bet he is. I bet that's a massive relief, actually.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

Oh, yeah. So has he got no tooth? Yeah, so he's got to get a new tooth. He's got a plate thing with a big tooth on it to clip in. So it's got all like I don't know, he I don't know what it's doing. And then he's getting an actual, like his property. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

There you go.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Exciting stuff.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Literally pits falling off him now, he's that old.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

Well, that's what happens, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 4:18

Tits fall out, hair falls all over all hair grows. Hair grows in places you don't want it to grow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Annoying. Have you killed anyone this week? I haven't no, I'm much calmer this week, I think. Um I think yeah, no, I think I've had a relatively I've had it's better work is really stressful. I'm really busy. But just in a not in a like I'm crossway, just it's just tiring. I'm tired a lot now.

SPEAKER_04 4:48

Yeah. Mine's like that. Mine's exactly the same. Yeah. I wonder if it's like I don't know why actually. Like Easter holiday, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

I don't we're just yeah, we've just got loads of work in, but it's just yeah, it and it just feels like quite a lot of pressure. And I feel like maybe that's an like my age is getting on getting to me a bit, like I feel the pressure more than I ever used to. No, no, because I can be asked. I I don't know. I think I don't know. It just yeah, it just feels like a lot this at the moment.

SPEAKER_04 5:27

I know what you mean. It's like that one thing that can just tip you over there, isn't it? Yeah. You feel like you're on top of it and then one thing and you're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Yeah, which uh I've had a bit of that one thing today, right? Yeah. And everyone keeps saying to me as well that um, well, the thing is because you're the leader of the team, you can't show that you're stressed, you need to keep it upbeat. And I'm like, I feel that's even harder. Because I also think sometimes something shit happens and you have to just say this is shit and it's happened. Um we'll work a way around it, it's a problem, and we'll find a solution for it. You can't just always pretend that everything's alright and we'll all be okay and don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_04 6:09

And you also can't pretend that you can cope with everything infinitely just because you're the leader of the team. Because actually, no, you're still a human like everybody else. Yeah, I yeah, I don't agree with that. And I think as a leader of the team, we should probably just show a bit of vulnerability from time to time as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yeah, oh well, don't worry. I'm literally vulnerable all over the place.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

I definitely do that.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

In fence news though, do you want some a fence update? Oh, did they take it down? They've taken it down, yeah. Did they? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think they're probably the the guide, the site manager, had been on holiday and he came back to my email, my carefully worded toned down by Jat GPT email. And he came back to me straight away and said, Don't worry, the fence is coming down. So I can only assume that it went up in error in his absence.

SPEAKER_04 7:08

Oh, I see. Right. Do you reckon?

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Yeah. But it's already lost us one house viewer. So I'm glad it's down now. Oh right.

SPEAKER_04 7:18

Oh, that's annoying, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

Yeah. Well, it's gone. It's gone. Ding dong, the fence is gone. I've rejoiced on Facebook. I've taken all the credit.

SPEAKER_04 7:30

Oh god, good for you. Didn't anyone else complained?

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Just you. Just me. Look what I've done, guys. I've got rid of the fence for you.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

Oh god, brilliant. Um Friday. I know, so you're going away, are you? Yeah, we're going we're going away and Roland the van. So Roland, it's his first outing of the year. Oh, good old Roland. Yeah, he's not been out since October, I don't think, was the last time we took him. Right. Yeah, so it's exciting. It's all clear and ready to go. Don't know yet. Not even booked anything. Oh, that's nice though. Yeah, I don't know. I was kind of waiting to see what the weather was gonna be like, whether Dave was gonna be well enough because of his tooth, tooth gate. Toothkake. But the snaggle tooth is now gone. So yeah, I don't think we're gonna go very far. Just like somerset somewhere, probably.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

Yeah. Nice. Oh, lovely. I'm a bit jealous. Oh, I know, it's just that like time away, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 8:37

In the van, she says after being away for a month. I know, yeah. I really need a break. I need a holiday. Oh, I said that today. Everyone just like eye rolled me and gone.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

I need a holiday. Um we did um so we did a little photo shoot on Sunday with our camper van. Um so we took her we took her out to to Southport because the weather was a bit sort of up and down, really. So we thought, well, at least if we're near the beach, you can get a sun view, can't you, even if it's a bit grey. But actually the sun came out, so it was alright. So we'd me and Lottie went to um home bargains and spent about 60 quid on cushions and blankets and shit to dress it up. I just thought, like, when I was looking back, because we'd had it, we've advertised it in the past, but we just literally had boring pictures of it, like what it looked like inside and what it looked like outside. Yeah, right. But you've got to make it look nice, haven't you? I sell the lifestyle, sell the lifestyle, exactly. So, like we we made it all up and we like didn't I a couple of videos and stuff. So um we now have a I now have another Insta page because you know having 15,000 Instagram pages is what I've always wanted in my life.

SPEAKER_03 9:54

Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 9:55

Um and we're quite confused and put the wrong thing on the wrong one. That had been out of. Oh, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Um well I just set all the posts up to go automatically, so I never really do very much, do I? So it's just um so yeah, no, we've got that all going. So I'm gonna my aim is to try and cover the cost of having the van over the summer.

SPEAKER_05 10:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

So that at least it makes it feel a bit better that it's we've still got it.

SPEAKER_04 10:24

So are you advertising on platforms and stuff, or you're not gonna bother?

SPEAKER_00 10:28

Yeah, it's on um go booning.

SPEAKER_04 10:30

Yeah. Right, right. Oh. I know. Well, so you're you're not gonna use it at all then?

SPEAKER_00 10:38

No, we will do. So I've said to Neil, like uh I think the way to handle it is to just set make it available from now until the end of the summer. Because we haven't got a plan to use it at all, because we thought we were gonna sell it. So, and we can as long as we know when it's being rented and stuff, we can work around the car and and travel and stuff, and then if no one's got it, then we can still go away for a weekend, can't we?

SPEAKER_04 11:04

Yeah, oh nice bumblebee. Anyone wants a lovely weekend in a van, a lovely yellow van, lovely yellow bumblebee van.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

She's great, she's a lovely little van, and she does she does do the trick. And I think it's nice, it's definitely a couple as opposed to a family. Although, with I have to say, do my sales pitch with a hoarding, it does make it very roomy. Oh very well done. I know. Oh, I know it's beautiful. Rolling fields, have a cup of tea, looking at the sea. Yeah. Oh that joke.

unknown 11:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:48

I mean, actually, I'm joking, but that is actually what it's like. It is lovely, isn't it? I know. I do love waking up in the field and just looking out the window. Yeah. It's like the most relaxed I ever feel, I would say, in that.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Yeah. Well, there's just nothing to do. Once you've done your initial setting up faff, there's nothing to do.

SPEAKER_04 12:09

No, and you have to just sit there and read. And it's tiny, so you aren't going to clean anything. Because it's too so small, which is why I said I want a tiny house.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

So I don't have to clean or do anything.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

Anyway, that brings us on to um Oh, the topic. I've forgotten we were talking about a topic. Quite nicely. That brings us on to the topic quite nicely. We've segwayed that. I tell you. Oh, the segue. The segue in. Segway course.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

We could maybe that's what we should start selling. How to segue. An expert's guide by Katie and Katie.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

Even though they've not got actually got a clue, and it's all just by luck, but never mind.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

I tell you what, before we do segue off, just to go back to our last week's um topic. So people absolutely love the moaning.

SPEAKER_04 13:07

Oh my god, don't they? Oh my god. Everyone loves it. We have have you had more? Given have people given you more?

SPEAKER_00 13:15

No, they've not given me more, but like more on um TikTok, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

Oh have we got a viral video?

SPEAKER_00 13:23

We've we've got a vir well, we've had another viral video on Instagram. It's the litter video. I'm just trying to find it now on TikTok.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Oh, the litter video. See, I'm not on TikTok, so I have to rely on you for this.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Um yeah, the litter video went wild. I can't find the could the What were people hating litter? Yeah. Yep. Or people slagging us off.

SPEAKER_04 13:44

No one's slagging us off, is it?

SPEAKER_00 13:45

No one's slagging us off.

SPEAKER_04 13:46

Oh right. I was kind of looking forward to that.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

No, sadly, no slagging off, but definitely, yeah, no, I can't find the bloody comment now. That's because I'm old and incapable of using social media. Um, but yeah, no, we we went that boat that video in particular was very popular on everything. I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:07

Yeah. But people do not like it. No. No, definitely not.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Who would? Who would like it? I know. Chuck and litter. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

But the meal planning, so the video that I put out the other day about meal planning as well, that was a popular one, and obviously that segue's us back. So I've segueed us out, segueed us back to the topic.

SPEAKER_04 14:29

Oh my god, that course was amazing, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Katie and Katie, experts in Segway.

SPEAKER_04 14:39

Drinking Vimto whilst we go. I've not even got Vimto today, I've got a cup of tea because Vimto didn't get back to us. I've decided to go with tea instead.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

We're gonna start boycotting Vimto.

SPEAKER_04 14:52

Oh no, I can't do that as I drink two litres a week.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

I know we do as well. It's on my favourites on the shopping list.

SPEAKER_04 15:02

Oh, I do like a tea.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

So, what we're talking about today then? We've lost the segue. Oh, and by the way, welcome to Midlife No Crisis, everybody. We're only 15 minutes in.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

Which is called the mental load. There you go, there's another segue.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

There's another segue, the mental load, yeah. Um do you think do you think it's funny, isn't it? Because I I I'm I'm I've got lots to say about the the mental load, but do you think it's a bit of a a like a a fashionable topic at the moment?

SPEAKER_04 15:59

Yeah, I do. I think I don't know, I think there's quite a lot of men bashing goes on as well, isn't there? There's a lot of like there's a lot of oh, it's always down to the woman, the men don't do anything. It always falls to the women. There's a lot of that goes on, isn't there? Yeah. Um and I'm not saying that it doesn't because it probably does, but um obviously that's what we kind of need to discuss. Yeah, we need to discuss like like why does it always fall to I think it's because like a like just midlife women, menopause, and all of that is quite a hot topic, isn't it? And I think men bashing is if you throw that in as well. Anyone can find any reason to do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yeah, I think you're right. I do. I think um, but it's interesting, isn't it? Because I did do a little bit of reading. I was trying to find a good article to quote, I couldn't find one particular one, but um there was where is it now? I was reading about it. Um so there's been loads of research done around it, but it it is specifically related to women, the mental load, and they call it this this unpaid labour thing. So yeah, that's it. So it's like I so that bit of it is not a new phenomenon. That's been something that they've talked about in relation to women for years, isn't it? That they tend to do all the tasks in the home that aren't classed as doing a job, but are as much as doing a job because of the amount of time and energy and everything else it takes.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

And so this article, this study that I was reading about was saying that um, in particular in respect to mothers, 71% of UK mothers report feeling overwhelmed, and nearly half of them experience anxiety or depression. 71%. That's immense, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 17:49

That's really bad.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Yeah. All mothers? Mothers basically. Three quarters. Well, I I've not actually gone to the the source of that little start that I've read. Um, but I will, I'll double check and I'll come back to you.

SPEAKER_04 18:04

And I do it's overwhelming, isn't it, a lot of the time. And I think I think what I we and I was talking about this with Dave, and I said, like, because he he thinks obviously that it's it's shared, it should be shared. And he's like, well, if if you're both working full time, why does it all fall to the woman? And he's he's of the opinion that a lot of women take things on because they have to have things done the way they want it done. And if it's left to a man, it's not that it won't necessarily get done, it won't get done in the way they want it done. It'll still get done.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Which is right, I think.

unknown 18:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Do you think that's right? I I I think that's right. I do think but it I'm I'm torn really because it's it's like it's hard not to mend bash when you talk about this sort of thing, isn't it? And I I think I th okay, so let what do I think? I think it's I think he is right. I don't disagree with what he's saying there, but then equally, um I think that women are so always planning and strategizing and thinking that they're a million steps ahead of the man before the man even starts to think of the job. So you've by the time the man even starts to think about doing the job in your head, you've planned it, you've done it, you know how to do it right, you know in what order to do things and all that kind of thing. So it's almost like the it's it's like a vicious circle, isn't it? Because you get into that loop of and we've definitely done this in my house, we've created a situation where and I don't mean this in a bad way, I'm I'm it's a description as opposed to a criticism. Neil's incapable of doing anything because I've I've done it for so long that I've de-skilled him in everything because I've just done it. Because it's easier.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Is that your fault? Do you see that as being your fault? I think so, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

Because it's easier for me to just do it. But it often is. And was it?

SPEAKER_04 20:19

I don't yeah, but I oh I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

This is what I mean.

SPEAKER_04 20:24

It's it it's such a it's such a difficult like if you were to like get what all of the bloke like say you got like a 20 couples, for instance, and spoke to them separately and asked them, it would be interesting to see what the man's response would be. Now, do you think that the bloke's response is well like if I did it I wouldn't do it right, so I don't bother. She's always got it all sorted anyway. What's like what's the point? But if if I was asked to do it, and I was said, right, this is these are your jobs, like birth remembering birthdays, that's your job. You do it for the whole family, everyone in the family, your job is to remember the birthdays by the cards, by the presents. Now, what would happen, do you think? None of them would get bought. None of no one would ever get but wouldn't they? But wouldn't they? What what would what would the experiment be? What would probably happen would be they would remember on the day or something and would have to scrabble around and get but they would have to scrabble around and get it, but whatever. But it the card would still be bought. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, so women would be having a meltdown by that point.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

So I like I've I have taken a little mini stance on something. So, like, for example, for Neil's family, I think I I will remind him, but I think he should get his own bloody mother, his own card and present. I don't think I should be. Buying her garden present.

SPEAKER_04 22:01

Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

So every year it's not done until the last minute. I hope Carol, you never listen to this. And in my opinion, in fact, no, I do get his mum's present. I get his mum's present because it's on her her birthday's on Boxing Day. So I do better with everything else. With all the Christmas presents, so I do it anyway. But his dad's probably a better example. So he does do his dad's, but he leaves it to the last minute, can't think because it's the last minute, and cut and he's panicking because he can't think what to get him. And so gets him something boring, or in my opinion, in my humble opinion, boring or or not that good.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

But if he takes it to his dad, does his dad like it? And his dad, would his dad ever have known that any of that would have occurred? Do you see what I mean? The the final result of the dad getting a present.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

I think so, yeah, because it's generally always the same thing, or and and I think that it's repeated, so it's not like he's done it and learnt, and then next year is more organised. That's my point, is that I'm trying to make here is that where I have taken my mini stance, it's not like we might have done that one year and learnt, and you know what? I thought, do you know what next year I'm gonna think about a bit sooner, I'll get something better. Yeah, that's not happened.

unknown 23:25

That's not happened.

SPEAKER_04 23:27

And what do we consider to be the mental load, like life admin? Like what what like what now? Like, for instance, work, nothing to do with work. What have you got rolling round in your head? Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Well, mine's but obviously the moving house things added like a million percent to my mental load.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

That's a million dollars. Yeah, so admin, right.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

Parking, parking, that's one side. So school emails, yeah. So would school send during turn time. I better get at least one email per child per day, sometimes more. Even during the holidays, we get probably one or two a week for each of the girls. Yeah, and I read them and action them. Like I get the email, sometimes I park it to talk to Neil, but generally I you're the only person in their sent to. They're sent to both of them. They sent to both, right? They're sent to both of us. And generally, what will happen is that will happen, so I'll do it, I'll do whatever's required in the email. Sometimes it's about buying tickets, sometimes it's homework, sometimes it's a parents' evening. And normally what will happen is approximately four weeks later, Neil will go, Do we need to do this trip for Lotte? It's like she went on it last week.

SPEAKER_02 24:53

Yeah, that's quite a good example.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

It's things like I don't know, doctors' appointments for kids.

SPEAKER_04 25:06

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Always everything really. Yeah. But then I saw that because like it I mean a lot of it is screw a lot of it's child related. When I when I because now life admin doesn't seem anywhere near as bad for me anymore, yeah, just because I've got two like independent kids now. Everything else, like Dave, like dentist, like he's just sorting it all out for himself. Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for it for him, it's your kids, really.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

So do you think it's mental? So trying to think of why it why it's like it is. Do you think it's particularly bad for mums? So it might be a female thing, but it's particularly bad for mums. 100%. Do you think it's because and there's I'm sure there's research out here on this, because mums are at home with the kids. So when you have your maternity leave, because you're at home, you do end up, it falls to you because you do all the appointments, don't you? You do all of that, and so it just stays with you, even when you go back to work, because you've always done it. Do you think that's the reason?

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_04 26:27

And why are you then gonna suddenly just go because you it's the it's what you do then by then, isn't it? Yeah, and why are you all gonna get your partner and go, right? This is what I have to deal with, and I'm not going to do it anymore. This is your job, or we have half and half. You're just not gonna do it, are you? Because you just you automatically use it, but then when does that it's never gonna change, is it? No, and is this just a historical thing going back over the like with years and years and years that just general shite falls to the mum because historically the mum was always at home dealing with all of that, and the dad was always out at work. It's not like that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

And it's almost yeah, because it's like the original concept of what we call mental load or the unpaid labour bit of mum's was used to be all around household tasks, didn't it? So it was like the ironing and the cooking and the cleaning, and and I generally think that the split of that is probably more equal now. It definitely is in our house, yeah. Cleaning, ironing, washing.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

I don't do anything, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Yeah, I think that is definitely more equal. But thinking about it, so planning to do the cooking, planning to do the cleaning, planning to do the washing, planning to do the ironing, that's still me. So the task itself is split, but the planning of it is still me. So I don't know if there's I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 28:08

I know what I I'm the same. Like organizing holidays, for instance. I I would do all the we've talked about this before, haven't we? Like something that you would do. Yeah, I don't know. What what is it? What is it? Do we need to relinquish it? Like, does it need relinquishing? Do you need to sit down and say this is your job, that's my job. Yeah, I don't get involved in anything.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

It's how you split it, isn't it? Because it's like well, I mean, the house move it is it's an extreme example, but like because I've registered us with the estate agents, because I've done the initial inquiries, they ring me for everything. And like yesterday I had a really busy w back-to-back meeting day at work, and the estate agent was ringing me every half an hour because they wanted to book viewings in and they wanted to do this and they wanted to do that, and I was literally tearing my hair out by the end of the day. And to be fair to Neil, when he got home, when I got home and I was like, I've just had such a stressful day. He was like, Well, can I not can I not take on the managing of the estate agent conversations? Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

But then I asked him I said no, because because no, because then you'll be asking him what's going on with this and what's going on with that.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

He won't book stuff in because he'll want to check everything with me first. No, and oh no, so I'll end up doing it anyway. So it's like I said, well, there's no there's no point, is there? Because I'll just do it.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

So oh, I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 29:55

So we are creating it for ourselves, yeah. I don't know why. Well that's a control thing, isn't it? Really? It is, like, and I understand it because you want to know what's happening and you want to and I would be the same because if I was to give something to Dave and he did it, I would be asking him how he's done it, when he's doing it, what happened, what did they say?

SPEAKER_01 30:24

I would I wouldn't matter if it's being done, it's being done.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

It's like being at work when people do things and they're doing it in a really weird way, and you're thinking, What on earth are you doing there? Why are you doing it like that? What are you doing this for? But then at the end, the final result is is alright. Yeah, and you're thinking, Well, I suppose that's all right, but you're watching them trying to achieve it, and you're thinking, Oh no, oh do like that, oh bit like that, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 30:53

It's like um it's there must be a psychological thing about not wanting to let things fail, like about there's this when we were when I was doing that coaching course the other week, there's this thing called the drama triangle, and I can't remember what the three points of the drama triangle are, but at some point in a relationship, you're either one of the three points, and I think one is like um victim, so you always so it's like this this thing's happened to me, and there's nothing I can do about it, and but one of them is the rescuer, and you always want to rescue a situation because you can't let anything fail, and I think maybe that's perhaps the the female psyche, isn't it? Yeah, I can't let this fail.

SPEAKER_04 31:37

But then that is a that is a mum thing though. It's like it that that goes back to your like maternal instinct for like you protecting your children as well, though. Yeah, like you don't want them to suffer, you don't want them to fail, you know, everything has to be alright, and you try and fix everything for them, don't you? And maybe that's just that mode that you go into, yeah. You've got to fix everything. So because you're in that mode as a mum, you do that for everything else, so surrounding that role. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, maybe that's it. Oh wise, wise.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

We are so wise. Maybe we need to rename our podcast the wise cast.

SPEAKER_04 32:22

I think that's the most serious conversation we've ever had.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

What a quick make a joke. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 32:31

It's hard though. Oh, it's true.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

It's hard. I mean, that that that life admin thing. Maybe we need to talk a bit more about life admin in in crisis talks. Um because there is something about just it's what you said about birthdays before. The bane of my life is forgetting birthdays, because I hate forgetting people's birthdays, but I do it, I do do it quite frequently, and I've tried all these different ways of because I I have my work diary and I have a home diary, and they don't always talk to each other and all those sort of things. And then you've got those little bits of admin that so I've got like an outstanding admin task at the moment, which is um we've got this uh like not life, not health insurance thing at work where you pay, if I paid, I don't know, 10, 15 pounds a month or something, get all these benefits like dentist, croppaday, prescriptions, all this kind of stuff. It's like it's a really good deal.

SPEAKER_03 33:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

And I keep thinking, I really must do that. And I pay my prescriptions monthly at the moment, and what I need to do is cancel my monthly prescriptions and then go on to that system.

SPEAKER_04 33:42

You can't do it.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

I just can't do it.

SPEAKER_04 33:44

It's been in my to-do list for that's overwhelmed, yeah. That's what I'm saying about the one, the one extra thing that you just look at and you think, I can't do it, I can't do that, I can't do it. And and fundamentally, if that was if that was just the one thing on its own, you'd just be like, Yep, done tick whatever, done that, but because it's on top of all the million other things, it's that one thing that's just tipping you over, and you're like, Oh, I can't face that, oh no, I can't do that. It's like sometimes I'll get like, you know, like texting people or you know, like yeah, it's a stupid thing. Something that 10 years ago wouldn't have even registered on my radar at all, but now you're like, Oh god, I've got to arrange to meet some perfectly lovely thing to do. You're like, Oh, I'm gonna arrange to see them, and this will be nice, and you know, there's nothing about the event that is worrying or anything, but the messaging and the thinking, oh my god, this is gonna create uh you're gonna have to check your diary, you're gonna have to wait for them to come back with dates. Then what if none of the dates work? What if the times that I and I and then I put it off and you then might thinking, well, that's meeting up with somebody that you like, yeah, that's gonna be really nice, yeah, and you're gonna love, yeah, and you're overwhelmed with a text message and checking your diary. Yeah, but I totally get that. I do totally get that, yeah. I think I think a lot of midlife women are like it. I think I do think that's like a midlife women thing. Yeah. Oh, I can't face this, I'm just gonna do it another time. Yeah. And then you find yourself replying randomly at a random time because you've got the energy about you. Right, I can do that now. Yeah, yeah. It's weird, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 35:34

I do a lot of replies, and people hate I'm sure probably hate me when I get up in the morning because yeah, I'm my I've got my phone set to do not disturb at half nine. And because I'm trying to get to bed before like ideally before that, but I never quite make it. Um, and so often I'll get messages late at night or not even late after half nine, which I realise is not late at night, and I just re and I read them and I think I actually haven't got the energy to think about a reply to that, so I'll just park it. And then when I get up at quarter to six in the morning, I reply. I think that person hate me.

SPEAKER_04 36:14

No, they don't. There's nothing wrong with that. Why haven't you got to reply immediately to everything?

SPEAKER_00 36:20

No, but it's more about the who wants a message at quarter to six in the morning. Well, no one wants a message, do they, but yeah, they can choose whether to read it or not. True. Well, they might be on do not disturb till they wake up, might they?

SPEAKER_04 36:32

They might be, yeah. There's nothing wrong with don't do not apologise for going on do not disturb. No, I don't fully agree with do not disturb, especially past 9 p.m.

SPEAKER_00 36:44

That's me, 9 pm.

SPEAKER_04 36:45

Yeah. It's I think that's important.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Well, that leads me quite nicely because we're coming to the end. So in crisis talks, let's talk about some nice ideas and solutions to that mental load and the overload and the overwhelm and some of the things. I mean, you're through the worst with kids. I'm still in the middle of kids, but we've got loads of things that we do as a family to try and help balance and manage all the stuff that we have to do. So I'm happy to talk about some of those things, and I bet you've got loads of good advice as well.

SPEAKER_03 37:13

So yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

Crisis talks, listen on Wednesday and all the stuff that we've stressed about in the last 40 minutes, we'll have solutions for. Oh, will we?

SPEAKER_02 37:26

See about that.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

There's a solution to every problem.

SPEAKER_02 37:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

As long as somebody else comes up with it.

SPEAKER_05 37:34

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

As long as a woman comes up with it. It will be a woman, won't it?

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Oh, right, okay. All right, my dear. Well, I'll see you Wednesday for crisis talks then.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

Yeah, I'll see you Wednesday.

unknown 37:49

Bye.

SPEAKER_02 37:51

Bye bye.