Me-Not You- Double Standard

Welcome back to 60’s Street. I’m Andie and today we are talking about double standards. We explore how gendered expectations around sexuality, aging, appearance, and power quietly infiltrate our relationships. With an invitation to move from performance to participation — to stop being the object and start claiming mutual desire, respect, and reciprocity in your intimate life. 

Transcript

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Hey beautiful souls, welcome back to 60th Street. I'm Andy, and I'm so glad you're here. Today we're talking about something we probably have all felt before. The double standard. But this time we're taking it into our relationships, into the bedroom, into the quiet negotiations of pleasure, power, and respect. So grab your journal, pour yourself a cup of tea, and let's talk honestly about how double standards don't just shape culture, they shape intimacy. Because it isn't abstract. This lands in our body, whether we realize it or not. Recall in a previous episode, we touched upon several double standards. Men who are sexually practiced are praised. Boys will be boys. Yet women who are sexually practiced are often labeled promiscuous, slutty. Men age and are called distinguished. Women age, we become sexually unappealing, told to shrink. Men who lead are confident. Women who lead are bitchy. But today I want to explore what happens when those misguided perceptions affect how we feel about ourselves. More importantly, how we feel about our body in a relationship. Because once a double standard walks into intimacy, equality walks out. So let's think about sexuality. We live in a culture shaped heavily by what researchers call the male gaze. The idea that women are socialized to view themselves as objects to be looked at, evaluated, consumed, and produced. From a young age, girls learn that their bodies are visible assets. Short shorts, string bikinis. Women's fashion offers far more revealing options than men's. It's what researchers call the skin gap. Women are expected to show more, men are expected to show less. And here's the paradox. A woman is encouraged to be sexy, yet judged for being sexual. That contradiction creates confusion inside of us. When a woman internalizes the male gaze, she may begin to experience what psychologists describe in objectification theory. Self-objectification happens when a woman begins to see herself through the male lens. How do I look for him right now? Am I attractive enough? Does he want me? Instead of asking the right question, how does he make me feel in my body? Am I enjoying this? Do I want him? This mindset has measurable psychological consequences and is associated with increased anxiety, body shaming, depression, and reduced sexual satisfaction. Because when we are mentally monitoring our actions and body during intimacy, we cannot fully be present or experience our own pleasure. We are performing, not receiving. And this is where we suffer and our relationships suffer. If a woman feels she must be the object, the visual, the fantasy, she may struggle to ask for her own pleasure, may struggle to find her power in the relationship. She may prioritize his arousal over her own, may silence her desires to maintain his approval. And over time, that imbalance erodes intimacy. It chips away at our self worth. Intimacy requires mutual presence, not performance. Here's something to consider. Research shows that women tend to condemn other women's behavior more harshly than a man's. Wow, that's painful. But it's important to acknowledge because we can't change our thinking if we never address the reason. Why do some women harshly view other women's sexuality, appearance, actions, conditions, but accept male imperfections and bad behavior so easily? How about much of it is cultural conditioning. Women have been conditioned to align with male dominant power structures, to both gain security and approval from men. If society equates a woman's value with modesty, loyalty, and reproduction, women who step outside of those norms can feel intimidating, or maybe not deserving of compassion. The problem with that mindset is it chips away at our self-worth. Because deep down we recognize it's a double standard. And double standards are not minor personality quirks. They are red flags, and they're what I call uh o's. Because what's really happening here is the idea that one rule is for me and another for you. And that dynamic erodes trust. Psychologist David Buss identified something called the me versus the. It's not just men versus women, but rather how individuals hold themselves to different standards than they hold their partners. It's not really cheating if I flirt, but if you do, that's betrayal. It's not really sex if I receive pleasure, but if you do, it's infidelity. This cognitive rationalization protects the male ego, but destroys equality and it chips away at our worth. And when one partner is constantly defending themselves against shifting rules, emotional safety disappears. Safety is the foundation in relationships. Without safety, desire diminishes, vulnerability shuts down, and resentment builds. Now here's something to consider. Appearance and aging inside the relationship, where so much emphasis is placed on how we perceive and accept ourselves. Women face significantly higher scrutiny about their actions, bodies, appearance, and sexual desire, weight gain, mommy body, wrinkles, menopausal changes. Meanwhile, men are often socially granted leniency, and sexual help is accepted. Little blue pill, ED mints, injections. You get the picture. Yet when have you seen a commercial advertising appeal so a woman can get off? It's just a thought. And as women, we internalize this disparity. We may feel ashamed of our own body, turn away from sexual pleasure, and not explore ways to stay sexually active. And that negativity can create anxiety. Does he still want me? Am I too dried up? Do I have what it takes to please him? And this type of anxiety is not born in a vacuum. It is reinforced by media, advertising, and yes, sometimes by our partners. When a relationship subtly reinforces that a woman's value lies in her body, it creates conditional intimacy. Conditional intimacy is fragile, and it's based in fear. True erotic connection requires freedom, not fear. And here's the psychological core. Double standards are often rooted in insecurity. When someone expects privileges they would not grant you, it signals a lack of empathy and equality, and their superiority over you. Prioritizing one's own needs while minimizing a partner's creates what therapists call an accountability gap. So what might that look like? How about demands transparency but guards his privacy, wants loyalty but flirts with other women on the side? This is not harmless inconsistency. It is imbalance. An imbalance breeds resentment, diminishes your self worth, and your body, your nervous system feels it. And over time, the partner subjected to the double standards experiences emotional weariness. Second guessing, their value. This type of self sabotage creates deep internal wounds. So let's circle back to sexuality, specifically pleasure. For decades research has documented the orgasm gap. Men report higher rates of orgasm than women. Why? Part of it is anatomical misunderstanding, but part of it is cultural scripting. Back to the societal box. Men are expected to pursue pleasure. Women are expected to be the pleasure. If a woman has been conditioned to prioritize his satisfaction, she may hesitate to voice her own needs, perform to please his ego. She may fear being viewed as hard to please, or even as too explicit. But here's something to consider. A woman who asks for pleasure is not selfish. She's embodied, present, is participating in her own sexuality. And that's powerful. Because relationships thrive when both partners are active participants, not when one's a performer and one's the receiver. The societal box of double standards conditions women to be chosen, but healthy intimacy requires choosing each other actively, equally, consistently. When a woman feels judged, she cannot relax into authenticity. And authenticity is the birthplace of eroticism. At the heart of all of this are three things. First, awareness. Notice where double standards exist in your relationship. Are there rules that apply to you but not to him? Are there expectations about your body that he isn't expected to carry? Second, communication. Not attack, not accusation, but clarity. You are allowed to say I feel there's an imbalance. For this to work, I need to feel equal and I want mutual standards. Healthy partners can tolerate that conversation. If someone becomes defensive or dismissive, that tells you something important. Third, reclaim your body as subject, not object. Shift your mindset from how do I look to him to how do I feel in my own body? Ask for what you want. If we step out of the societal box, we can disrupt decades of harmful conditioning and start to respect ourselves. If someone consistently applies different rules to themselves, minimizes your discomfort, expects you to tolerate what they would not, that is not minor. That signals deeper issues of respect. Before we part ways, this week in your journal, I invite you to identify one double standard in your past or present that affected you. Write it down. Then ask, how did this shape the way I show up in intimacy? Did I shrink, perform, overaccommodate, silence my needs? Let the answer settle for a moment. Then write a new script for yourself. Something like Now I expect equal accountability, mutual respect, shared pleasure, reciprocal standards. Say it out loud. Feel it in your core. Because we are not here to be the object. We are here to be equal participants in our sexuality. Remember, if it's not fair both ways, it's not fair at all. Equality is not radical, it's interactive, and we are deserving of it all. Well, that's all for today. Thank you for cruising down sixty street with me. If this episode stirred something in you, share, subscribe. You can always drop me a note at sixty street podcast at gmail.com. Until next time, stay wild, stay well, stay unapologetically. You