#31: Why 50/50 Relationships Fail | The Truth About Healthy Partnership

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50/50 is a myth. Truly healthy partnerships do not scorekeep. Neither partner measures to make sure the other is giving equally. On today's episode, Isaac and Jessica share that real partnership is 100/100. Expectations, covert contracts, and keeping receipts are unhealthy dynamics. When there is real communication and unattached generosity, both partners get their needs beyond met. There’s no begging, no force, and no inspections required. 

If you want love to flow more naturally in your partnership, without the back-and-forth of who’s-doing-what, this is the conversation for you.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Relationships are not a 50-50 game.

SPEAKER_03 0:03

Believing that relationships should be 50-50 is one of the ways that guys excuse themselves from stepping up. Scoreboarding is messed up.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Anything given with an expectation in return is not a gift given. If you're scoreboarding, you're really only worried about what you're getting. Otherwise, you would be giving these things freely. If it isn't freely given, then it's not love. No one is actually functioning at 100% every single day of life.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

If one partner gives part of that 100 capacity is going elsewhere.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

I'm bringing 100% of my devotional energy to the relationship, and I'm bringing 100% of my dharmic energy to the business.

SPEAKER_03 0:52

I didn't even realize that you've been doing that.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Welcome to the Well Worship Man podcast, where men come to build unshakable presence, become the rock in their relationships, and build a legacy that lasts beyond their years. Here we explore the path to mature masculinity through humble power, daily devotion, and unwavering integrity.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

Thanks, baby. We've got a free gift for you all before we get started. You can grab it in the show notes. It's a free video guide and a script that Jessica and I have created to help you have the conversation that you've been avoiding most. And truly, just that one conversation cannot just shift the relationship that matters most to you, but shift the way that you show up with authenticity and honesty throughout the rest of your life. And leave us a review, rating, subscribe if you're watching on YouTube. What are we talking about today, baby?

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Today we are talking about how relationships are not a 50-50 game. And so if that's the game you're playing, we're gonna change that today.

SPEAKER_03 1:59

Believing that relationships should be 50-50 is one of the ways that guys excuse themselves from stepping up in the relationship. And it's also something that creates scoreboarding, scorekeeping in the relationship, going tit for tat. And that removes people from a real partnership.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Yeah, this scoreboarding, this 50-50 idea really creates this excuse. Like you're talking about of like the second one thing doesn't create the experience that someone wants, or there's a moment of dissonance, there is now an automatic excuse where in the relationships where this belief exists to, okay, well, then I'm not going to XYZ or I'm not going to XYZ. And instead of playing the game of like, how do we get back to connection quicker? Everyone starts playing the game of, well, I'm going to stay closed longer because you did that. So I'm going to do this.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

And even when the relationship is in a healthy place and it's 50-50, let's say there's dishes in the sink, it creates a space of, oh, well, Jessica will get to it. Right. And putting that off of my plate when really there is an opportunity for me or any other man to take leadership and do the small thing without needing to be asked, which creates more trust over time and ultimately creates more reciprocity.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

So I think there's a couple of different areas of life where we can like really talk about this. But I think maybe a place that we start is this scoreboarding idea. We've like mentioned it a little bit in different podcasts just in passing. But really going into like what is scoreboarding? How does it negatively impact the relationship? And what's the outcome of relationships that are playing this game? So give us a little intro.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

First of all, scoreboarding is messed up because it insinuates that the two of you are on different teams and you're competing.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:18

When really you're on the same team. And the most messed up representation of scoreboarding is this hyper-specific immature way of scoreboarding, which is like if I do the dishes one night, you need to do the dishes the next night. Or if I've taken out the trash four times, then you also need to take out the trash four times. Or we are imbalanced and I feel like you are ungrateful. So that is really broken and the worst way that you can scoreboard because you know, even if it is 50-50, thinking that she should give exactly what you give, and the composition of that 50% should be exactly the same. And it's strictly not. You know, I'll talk a little bit about traditional masculine, feminine, right? It's like if I change the oil in the car, I'm not expecting her to also change the oil in the car next time. Or if I haul the five-gallon water jugs inside the house, I'm not expecting her to haul the five-gallon jugs in the house next time. Or if she lights candles and sets a vibe for the night for us to wind down, she's not expecting me to do the exact same thing. So what's coming from the man and what's coming from the woman are two different things. And what you contribute to the relationship, there should be some form of balance, but it's not the same, right? There is some equality, but it's not identical.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

When you started explaining square boarding, what you were talking about is, you know, this like tit for tat energy. And what feels really important to cite about that is like anything given with an expectation in return is not a gift given. So in the relationships that are functioning that way, like I'll do this if you do that. And if I do this, I'm expecting you to do that. It's not really love. Like, obviously, I'm not here to say which relationships do or don't have love, but there is this ultimate definition of love that love is freely given. And if it isn't freely given because there's an expectation of something in return, then it's not a gift freely given. It's not love. And it's important to start describing this because, you know, we've talked in other podcasts about like energetic and emotional hygiene, and energy exchange should be equal. You know, like the energy that I am investing into this relationship should be equivalent to the energy that you're investing into this relationship. But the physicality is more of what we're talking about in the scoreboard of this of like you take out the trash and so then I take out the trash, or even you take out the trash, so then I do the dishes. You know, like it's like the number of tasks completed or the number of to-dos checked off the checklist don't have to be equal in number or quantity or quality, as long as the devotion that is arriving to the partnership is an equal amount of devotion. And that's gonna look much different than scoreboarding because those devotional practices are freely given.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

Yeah. Yeah. The scoreboard asks who's winning, and a devotional union asks, are we winning? And I think it's important to acknowledge four perspectives here that exist within a partnership. And this is way more important than what any scoreboard reads. And I just talked to a client this morning about this. Is it's not really about the scoreboard, it's about do both of us feel like we are fully committed and like the other is fully committed? And so there's really four perspectives that need to align is how do I feel about my own level of commitment? Am I all in? Am I two feet in? The second is how do I feel about your level of commitment? The third is how do you feel about your level of commitment? And the fourth is how do you feel about my level of commitment? And if all four of those align, the scoreboard is obsolete. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Uh-huh. And I love this. I've never heard you talk about this before. But what's really beautiful about this is like in the scoreboard game, I'm only worried about what I'm getting. Really, because you can say you're worried about what you're giving and that you want to feel like your gifts are appreciated. But if you're scoreboarding, you're really only worried about what you're getting. Otherwise, you would be giving these things freely. And this perspective allows for the return to center of, but how do I want to show up in this relationship? Is it important that I feel like you're devoted to me for sure? But I would say that, like in my realm, if I were going to look at these four things, the first thing that I would want to look at is how do I feel about my devotion to this union? And then I would, you know, look at the other three, or we would look at the other three together. But like my first priority is what's my devotion? Because that's the most accessible thing that I can shift. If there's a moment of dissonance or a moment where I feel myself going into like a scoreboarding thing, the anchor is is this how I want to show up in this partnership?

unknown 10:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Do I want to be scoreboarding? Do I want to not do something that I would normally do for you just because I'm feeling upset or misunderstood? Or do I want to give you the gift of feeling loved no matter what? And then we can address the other things as they come.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Yeah. And scoreboarding sneaks its way in when one partner does feel internally like they've been showing up with full commitment and they haven't been getting it back. And then they start tracking, oh, I did this and this, and they didn't do this or didn't do what I asked. So for somebody who does feel like they've been showing up and giving their all and isn't receiving the equivalent energy back, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_00 11:04

I would say, well, there's a few questions I would have, you know, like I am always curious about like, have you communicated the need? You know, if you haven't communicated and we're just expecting to be shown up for or expecting our partner to mind read what our needs are or to show up in an equivalent way, then that's the first thing. You know, like it's unfortunate that this has gotten so far that the scoreboarding is coming up. Maybe it comes up at different phases for different people. For me, like I tend to have a lot of compassion for I feel like a pretty long time. And then if I hear like even a whisper of scoreboarding in my mind, I'm like, okay, like something's off, you know, and I don't stay there really long, but it is a cue that there's like a conversation that needs to happen. And so that's the first thing. Like, if you haven't been clear, um, not only about what you feel like needs to occur, but why. And that conversation is not a conversation that occurs in chaos or activation, because we can't actually share our hearts in moments of activation. So while expressing like anger or frustration is important, the conversation that I'm asking about is really like, have you let this person know how much it's hurting you that they're not showing up for you in the way that you need? And that these are the specific ways that you need. And so that's the first thing I would ask. And then the other piece is like, do you feel that true devotion from both sides is accessible? I feel like those two questions get to the core of things pretty quickly. Because if someone hasn't had the conversation, that's an easy fix. You just need to have it. If you have had the conversation and it's been ignored multiple times and you have actually had it well, that's information. And being honest with yourself about like, okay, I can be. Have I been truly devoted or am I being truly devoted? And do I think that this other person is also truly devoted? Like, is it phasic or is this the foundation of our partnership? I think might be two questions that I would start with. What about what would you say?

SPEAKER_03 13:30

Well, I was gonna respond to what you just said.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

Is that the other party may feel, right? These four perspectives are really important. They may feel that they've been showing up in full devotion, and there needs to be an awareness that from the other's perspective, it doesn't feel like they are, because what they value hasn't been what the other has been giving, right? So we share often that, you know, I need to love you the way that you want to be loved, not just the way that I want to love you, and vice versa. And so aligning on those things is really, really key. And having the ability and the willingness to love your partner in the way they want to be loved is a key component to compatibility. So all of those things need to be on the table. And, you know, I would second what you said about if this has been a pattern over time and those conversations have been had and it still doesn't feel like you're being met, then that is information for you. And there are lots of people out there who love more naturally in different ways.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

I like the four perspectives because it gives a little bit of a system of how to even have the conversation. It's like, I feel like I've been really showing up. Here are the ways that I feel like I've been devoted to you. What are the ways you feel you've been devoted to me? And can both partners name them? And then that creates the conversation around what you're talking about of like, okay, both of us do feel like we're showing up in this way, but it's not being received in that way. So now here's the ways that I do or don't feel fulfilled by, you know, your actions. Here's the way that you don't do or don't feel feel feel fulfilled by my actions. And then because you've addressed all of the perspectives, if both people are willing and desiring to be devoted, then there's like an easy way to create solutions. Oh, okay, like you do feel devoted to me, but I am not receiving it in that way. Here's what I actually need to feel devotion from you. And because there's like a vulnerable conversation happening and the hearts get to connect in that like paradigm of all four perspectives, theoretically, you should naturally feel some of the scoreboarding fade because scoreboarding is this like we're against each other energy. So someone's heart is closed, versus the actual conversation of connection and devotion is a heart-opening conversation.

SPEAKER_03 16:10

A huge piece of scorekeeping that gets missed in relationships is the gratitude piece. If I feel that I'm in full devotion to you and you don't feel like I am, and then I start telling you all the ways that I've been in devotion. And this is just an example, but you say, Oh, I I missed that one entirely. I didn't even realize that you've been doing that. It's like, well, okay, I haven't felt met because I haven't been receiving gratitude for this thing that I've been putting effort and energy into. And so for people that are in this place of score keeping, because just acknowledge the reality. If that's where you are in your relationship and there is score keeping alive, there is score keeping alive. But what you can do is anticipate what your partner is tallying up their score for or from and expressing gratitude for those things, and that can release some of the pressure too, from their end to stack and prove that they're showing up in the relationship in a way that makes them feel like you should be compelled to as well.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Yeah, one of the things that is mentioned in some research on like partnerships that lose gratitude and lose satisfaction and fulfillment is this lack of gratitude for like the little things. So, an example would be like a lot of times when people start their relationship, there will be little things that they do for one another out of love. And over time, that just becomes the pattern. But it's forgotten that, you know, every time I make you breakfast, I'm doing it because I love you. There's just an assumption that occurs over time in some relationships that, oh, like she always makes me breakfast. But that was not actually why that pattern started. The pattern started from love. And so really like seeing the ways that your partner does little tiny things to make your day easier, you know? Like if one of us is still working or and there is dishes to clean or something, I don't even know that this is like a real example. But it's like, okay, the way that we get to connect faster at the end of our day is if like everyone's everything is done for the day. So if someone in the partnership can start making dinner sooner, or if someone can, you know, clean while the other person is taking out the trash or kind of like dual tasking some things, because then both people have the intention of we get to hang out together faster. We get more quality time. And that simple, those simple moments of like making your partner's life easier because of whatever you anticipated for them results in more quality time together. And that's how like the scorekeeping doesn't have to occur anymore, because it's like I feel like scorekeeping is generally occurring when people are missing each other, like they're missing the connection. And so they're counting the things that they're doing for each other. But if you actually are living life in a cohesive way, you get more quality time, you get more intimacy, you get more conversations to drop in with each other. And like that's what everyone's actually desiring.

SPEAKER_03 19:32

Yeah. Yeah. Giving thanks and praise and positive reinforcement for the nice things that your partner does for you, even if they've been doing them for a decade is really, really important. And the replacement for scoreboarding is collaborating together on a vision. Like you mentioned, a vision of connection, right? Things need to happen in the day before the field is clear for you and I to just be with you and I. And if we're on the same page about that, then the dishes in the sink are not an obstacle. They're actually a way through to connection. So as a couple, it's really important that you set a vision together so that you can be a team striding in that direction instead of two adversaries trying to stack points against each other. So we talked about a few things already. Like one is like the most elementary and the worst way to approach relationship, which is strict, hyper-specific 50-50. I took out the trash. So now she needs to take out the trash. And then the next progression is like a little bit of space from that where you understand that there is an equivalent exchange, but it's not exactly the same. So there's some masculine ways of providing and some feminine ways of providing, but you're still in kind of 50-50 there. And then the ultimate expression of this is what we call 100-100, where you are both committed to each other and to the joint vision that you hold together.

SPEAKER_00 21:06

Yeah. And so when we transition from 50-50 to 100-100, this changes the whole ecosystem, really. Like it changes the way that the repair and rupture cycle happens, it changes the way that we hold the house and like the stability of the home together. And it changes the way that we show up to the partnership together in devotion. And this way that we're showing up to the partnership in devotion is like this assumption that if I am giving my full devotion to this partnership, then it has no option but to thrive. It's like regardless of how you're showing up today, I am going to choose to bring as much love into this partnership as possible. And if I can keep my heart open in that way, then it's very likely that at some point in the day, even if you're having like a day in your own head and you're feeling closed, that your heart will crack open too. Because there is a way that all animals like regulate to each other. And there's ways that humans regulate to each other. And the teaching is that the strongest nervous system in the room wins. And the strongest nervous system in the room is the one that is consciously approaching every interaction, which is not what's happening when someone is feeling less than their 100% or is feeling like their heart is closed or feeling like they need to scoreboard or protect from their partner for whatever reason. Whether it's like an own their own internal process that they're having or a partnership thing, that energy is reactive. And it can be the strongest energy in the room if both people are approaching it that way. But if one partner is able to say, Nope, no matter what, I'm showing up with 100% love today, that will be like the strongest impulse, the strongest resonance in the whole house.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Yeah. And that's the way that you can know that your relationship is authentic, true, and destined. You mentioned that as long as you show up with full devotion, the relationship has no choice but to orient to that. And I just want to say the relationship has no choice but to orient to truth. And so if your relationship is in the highest good and the brightest future for everyone, then it will improve and you will melt into deeper connection. And if it's not, that information will become clear to you as well.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

Yeah, for sure. The I am 100% devoted to this partnership is an effect of the partnership that we're in, you know? Like we are both 100% devoted to it. But but also when people are struggling with the discernment of to stay or go, which we have a whole podcast episode on, it's like if I show up to this 100%, then the truth will orient. If I am closing myself off or counting cards or playing the 50-50 game, then ultimately I'm wearing a mask to like try to win in some capacity. And the truth can't really come to the surface in that environment because hearts are closed and consciousness is suppressed. But where hearts are open and consciousness is celebrated and kind of prioritized, then the truth will come to the surface and either the partnership will see itself out or it will thrive.

SPEAKER_03 24:57

Yeah. So when we talk about 100, 100, how is that different from 50-50? I mean, 100, it's still an equivalent split. How is 100-100 different than 50-50?

SPEAKER_00 25:10

I mean, to me, 50-50 is I'll do what I think I should to match what I think you should do. And, you know, if one of us falters, now we're playing the game of 50-30 and we don't have actually 100, you know. But if we're playing 100-100 and we're both taking full responsibility and accountability and devotion into this partnership, then my responsibility is my responsibility. You know, it's like I'm showing up fully to this partnership, no matter what, or at least intending to. And in that process, you know, that looks different based on what different days look like. But it's like, how can I be 100% devoted to this partnership today? Does that mean like taking care of you when you're sick or doing like a task that you might normally do because you can't do it? Or just showering you with like extra love because I feel like I want to, and that's devotion that day. And that is like the focus in a 100-100 relationship is what can I give and how can I show up? It really holds more of this to me, like rooted in service experience. The 50-50 is just way more rooted in what can I get? Like I'm only gonna give out of what I can get.

SPEAKER_03 26:32

Yeah, I think the 50-50 is more what can I do that's fast, fun, easy, convenient, or that falls within my strengths. And the 100-100 is what can I give that's beyond what I feel completely capable of? You know, someone told me once that you know, truly giving is you know, giving somebody the shirt shirt off your back, but it's your favorite shirt, you know, and it's not about abandoning or sacrificing self, but it is about relegating your needs momentarily, or not even your needs, but just relegating your your comfort, again, what's fun, fast, or convenient, so that you can serve the relationship. And it's not about sharing in responsibility or sharing in culpability, culpability. It's about raising your hand in the air and saying, I've got this, and knowing that occasionally you'll look across the room and your partner will also have their hand in the air saying they've got this. And that experience brings you so much closer together. We've talked about this before is when in 100-100, the ball doesn't get dropped, right? And if it does, somebody is picking it up, even if the other misses it. There's like this double reinforcement to not repeat the same ruptures, to have everything managed and handled in the day so that you can connect in the evening, to make the right choices of the social engagements that you choose to get show up to or not show up to. So there's like these checks and balances where in a 50-50, there's no, there's not as much checking of the other, right? It's like okay, you want to do that, like go ahead, right? 100 to 100 is okay, you want to do that. Can we have a conversation about how this measures up for our vision or for how we want to experience each other?

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SPEAKER_00 29:48

As you're talking, I'm feeling like the 100-100 mentality is really like for people on this path of spiritual evolution and like relationship evolution. It's like the idea of 100-100 really is my own personal process in testing my capacity for how much can I bring to this relationship? It's like the relationship is part of my evolutionary journey personally and also in the way that we evolved together. But part of it is really like, okay, that's what it looked like for me to show up 100% yesterday. What does it look like for me to show up 100% today? Last time something like this happened, this was my default, but I learned this thing. And so now my 100% is this. Or like, I don't usually do this task of going to like get the groceries in the middle of the day in the hot sun, but I'm gonna do it because we need these groceries and you're sick, you know? And like this visual that you're painting of like, this is the household that we both want. This is the vision that we want. And so while there may be places that either of us tend to default on any given day because it just feels like where our souls are called, you know, like it feels aligned for me to care for the house in this way, and it feels aligned for you to care for the house in that way. There's also this spaciousness in the in between this checks and balances that you're talking about, where it's like, yes, and like no one is actually functioning at 100% every single day of life. And when that's happening, like my 100% fills in your like 10 that's missing, or vice versa, you know?

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Yeah, there's really no ceiling on 100-100. On 50-50, there is this fixed ceiling. Like you're checking across the room to see what they're doing, to see what you can get away with, what is just enough for them to feel like you're meeting them. Where 100 and 100 is really this energy of sovereignty that we teach so much of how can I be with myself, grow myself in a way that increases my capacity over time. And naturally, when you're in a sovereign union, you will see that thing happening with your partner, is that both of you are raising the ceiling consistently. Um, and it's not this energy of competition, it's an energy of generation to see how much love can your union really hold.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

So there are partnerships that have probably like always functioned at 50-50. I certainly was in them before. I feel like it was it's really like the way that I've think most people probably grew up seeing a lot of partnerships. But then there are partnerships that probably are functioning in this 100-100 fashion, but sometimes there's like a dip. Like, what if someone goes through a phase where they're like really not bringing 100% to the table? And so then I guess this is kind of like your question earlier, but I was thinking about it in a different way. Like then there is this feeling of okay, I'm bringing 100, but actually someone isn't. Like, is there a different thing that comes to mind if you know that this is a partnership that does normally default to 100-100, but there's like been a slip long enough?

SPEAKER_03 33:29

Well, the first thing is approaching with compassion. Hey, I noticed this. Are you okay? Anytime somebody isn't acting like themselves in a romantic relationship or not, the first thing to do is ask them if they're okay, even if them not acting like themselves results in them acting mean or reactive towards you. The first question is, are you okay? And then that may open a doorway either for them to say, actually I'm okay enough to be showing up 100%. Thanks for bringing my attention to this. I could be showing up better. Or I'm actually not okay. And maybe I've been running at 20 or 30 or 40. And the way that you continue to show up at 100 is really important to me. And I might need a little bit more from you. Um, so that's where you start.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

I uh think this is such a beautiful teaching, and it's so hard to remember, honestly. It's like to remember that the person that you love in partnership, but also the people that you love in community and family really are the people that you think they are. And in moments when they're not being those people is such a challenge sometimes. And like when someone's phase of less than 100% starts impacting the way that you're feeling, it's like we're in our own emotional experiences, you know. So the first thing that we are attuned to is the way that someone's reaction or the way that they're not showing up, or the way that they're not being like their self that we tend to rely on. The first thing that we notice is how it makes us feel. And so then we usually respond from that place. But actually, if the first thing that we could remember is okay, this isn't them in their sovereignty, this isn't them in their full power, this certainly isn't them in their 100%. So there must be a cause. Like this is kind of why I wanted to know like, what's the difference between when this is happening with a partnership that's always been 50-50 versus one that is usually 100, 100, and then it somehow isn't, because it's like if you know that your partner is someone who is usually bringing 100%, then there must be something going on that is making them not be that. People, people want to be the best version of themselves. Like I think that truly the people in 50-50 relationships that are working in their relationships like that, that is their best version in that moment until they listen to something like this podcast and they're like, oh my gosh, things could be different. Like they actually just don't know. But if someone knows and has always been showing up 100%, and now suddenly there's misses, then there's something that's creating that.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

Yeah. In a partnership that's historically been 100, 100. If one partner dips or it's perceived that there's a dip, part of that 100 capacity is going elsewhere. It could be many things. It could be having an affair, they could be planning a surprise birthday party for you, they could be really grinding at work to try to land a bonus for you and your family. There could be any number of things that are going on, but understanding where that capacity has gone allows you to develop more compassion for them. And maybe there is a rebalancing that needs to happen.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

Yeah, and also to your point that you were mentioning before, like get on the same page of the vision. Like if there is a loss of capacity in the relationship because someone's in the phase of like creating a big project, like a great example of this is my fast. You know, it's like, okay, I was doing actually quite a lot during my fast. But the truth is that like a lot of your energy was holding space for my fast. And that's probably part of why my fast was so super charged. But there was an understanding during that ceremony that like things are going to be different in our partnership for at the very least these 40 days, maybe during a little bit of the integration afterwards. And we felt it, you know, and we had had a conversation of like, this is the vision that we're supporting right now. And being on the same page of both of us understanding where some of the capacity was going, I feel like was really important for that process. And so the same thing goes for when people are noticing this in their partnerships of like, if one of the people in the partnership is like devoting a lot of energy to work for whatever reason, to get a raise, to be able to leave that job, to write a book, then understanding that first of all, it's a face. But also, are we both on board with the vision? Because if you're not on board with the vision, then that loss of capacity is going to be truly unmanageable. Like if I'm not on board with a vision and it's resulting in some of your capacity being taken away from our partnership, then I have nothing to anchor into. But if we're on board with the same vision, then it allows for us to understand that it's a phase and to be like, okay, this is just what we're doing right now. Like actually 100-100 in our partnership is still happening. It's just looking like this picture instead of the picture that it's historically looked like.

SPEAKER_03 39:27

Yeah, where that capacity is going is key. If I was to today say, I think I want to start a boutique clothing store here in Guatemala and I'm gonna put 50% of my energy into that, that would be unacceptable. Not because there's anything wrong with starting a boutique clothing store, but because it's not part of our joint vision together. You mentioned this example of somebody working really hard at a job. If your joint vision is freedom and the man is working really hard at a job to get a promotion that's gonna result in more money but less freedom, that loss of capacity is truly a loss. But any capacity that's generated and driven towards the vision that you have, there are ways that the two of you can work together to hold that for a phase.

SPEAKER_00 40:16

For sure. Yeah. And I think that understanding that relationships are phasic also supports the 100-100 devotion. Because when the capacity is reoriented, it's like when humans are uncomfortable, they tell themselves a story that it's gonna be like this forever. But the truth is that life is always changing, no matter what. So, like, even if the people playing the 50-50 game were able to have a conversation of like, I know this is feeling a little bit like we're scoreboarding, but I'm really stressed and this project at work is gonna be over in two weeks. Like, even that would be more sustainable for couples playing at that level to know that there is an end point of the phase.

SPEAKER_03 41:05

Yeah, it's really important with phases to create beginnings and ends as aware as you are to know when a phase is beginning. Like your fast is really easy. It's like you're gonna start this fast and it's gonna end in 40 days. But you know, a work sprint, it's like it's gonna start here and it's gonna be done here. Being able to set that containment is really, really important. And sticking to it builds trust. When there's a phase and no one knows how long the phase is going to last, then that becomes emotionally exhausting on the side of the partner who is picking up more.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

Yeah, for sure. And is, you know, picking up more in the relationship realm, you know, because if the capacity is going somewhere else and there's a vision being created, it's not that that person isn't devoting themselves to the life of the partnership. It's just that in the home and in the relational context, it's gonna feel maybe like something is imbalanced. And this is another way that this 50-50, 100-100 conversation comes up. It's like the you mentioned a bit in the beginning, but the way that we are devoting energy to the partnership is different. So the devotion is 100, 100, but the type of energy that is being offered or the type of gifts that are being offered aren't necessarily going to be the same. And that conversation is tricky because like it's it's gonna be different for every single partnership. But I'm tempted to like talk about and ask you about like, okay, what are the ways that the energy showing up is could be different without maybe getting too specific in a way that's gonna make people feel like there's a right way to do partnership. But you know, I think that it's helpful for if people want to shift into this type of devotion. We're talking about these things as themes and ideas, but what does that look like in in practicality?

SPEAKER_03 43:12

Yeah, I mean, we can just talk about our relationship and how people express that in their own relationships is up to them.

SPEAKER_01 43:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:22

I think that we lean kind of traditional in the masculine and feminine roles. Like if I just like think about our day and how we've been living recently, it's like I make the bed in the morning, you make me breakfast, I go fetch the five gallon water jugs. You went out in the hot sun and got groceries yesterday because I was sick, but almost always I'm the one taking the trip into town to get groceries, to get things. I'm like managing logistical things, like we needed our hot water fixed, and I made sure that. That happened, I schedule the cleaners and I bring our laundry into town to get that done and pick it up. So I put in the grocery orders to make sure that we have food. And then you you prepare most of the food. You most nights like set our evenings up with candles and turning the lights down and making sure that all that is primed. I would say that recently you've been making more bids for emotional connection throughout our days. Or just to talk about how we're doing, if I need anything. So it's like, yeah, you lead from like the emotional side. And then I'm leading more on the physical, which we talk about a lot.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

Yeah. And it's funny, I'm listening to you describe our life in Guatemala, and I'm like, wow, this sounds like kind of bougie. Like at home, like we're doing laundry, like we're not like getting our laundry sent out. Like we go grocery driving, we go grocery shopping. But um, it's just funny to listen to you talk about our life in Guatemala. I love it here. Um, but like there is It's for you because you're not doing it. It is because because yeah, because at home, like, you know, you do your laundry, but also like you do my laundry. I do your laundry often. And I have like a lower capacity for for dirt. Like, you know, we talked about our emotional and energetic hygiene, but I also have like impeccable physical hygiene. And like I just really function on like rhythms of like cleaning a house at the end of the week and like doing laundry and stuff. So, you know, environments shift the way that the devotion is offered, but like it feels balanced in San Diego and it feels balanced here, and the actual actions that we're doing are different. And so that is an important part of this conversation. It's like the tasks are not 50-50. We're not counting what each other are doing, or like how hard the tasks are for us or how much we like them or whatever. It's like we really just have a natural flow state where things that I like to do and offer to you as love happen to feel good to you, and vice versa. It's like, I don't want to take the tarash out. I don't want to care. I can carry those five gallons up the stairs, but I don't want to do that. Yeah, and it's so much easier for you, you know.

SPEAKER_03 46:42

Yeah, it's really interesting how things have changed from San Diego to Guatemala. Another thing I think of is like you found this place to live, we split the rent evenly. I make the payments, like I send the money over. But when we talk about like managing the household, it's like I'm I do more of that here. Yeah, you do more of that in San Diego, and I'm wondering if the 40-day fast was part of it because it's like I didn't expect you to manage anything on your 40-day fast. So I'm wondering if we still kind of have some after effects of that.

SPEAKER_00 47:20

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm also wondering like in the integration, because I do feel like my energy is different after this fast, and like we're gonna do an integration episode at some point once I integrate. But like, how much of it is because I was fasting and not doing the same things, and how much of it is because I have created an internal shift. Because a lot of my process, it's like, I'm actually great at managing admin. I'm really good at it, I'm really efficient. I never lose track of a thought or a to-do list and I do things right away. But a lot of that is because that was my like survival response. And I think this is actually a place that a lot of couples get into when they are measuring things 50-50. It's like, well, you know, like she likes to do it. It's like, no, she might just be good at it and use, she might like to do it because she knows she does it well. Like she might like to do it because she doesn't trust anyone else to do it. And it's like, I think a beautiful part of the fast is like, wow, like every time our house runs out of water, I don't have to do anything about it. Like, you fix it. That's awesome. I could have fixed it, I could have figured it out, but I like didn't have to because I was fasting. And not to say that like there won't be phases of me doing more or less admin or whatever, but I do think that a beautiful gift from the fast is being able to trust that like actually you can also do admin and do it well. And I don't have to be running my brain with to-do lists all the time. And so maybe some of the changes that we are experiencing in Guatemala and the way that we bring like 100-100 devotion will sustain in San Diego, or maybe it's location specific. I don't really know. Stay tuned, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 49:08

Stay tuned. We'll see for now. I'm talking to everybody. The house manager, the grocery guy.

SPEAKER_00 49:18

Yeah, yeah. Um, there was one more little area of this that we wanted to chat about, which is for people who aren't in partnerships where part of the vision is also dharmic. So not all couples work together, but we've talked a lot in Sovereign Union about how like sovereign union partnerships themselves are generative. And maybe those partners aren't generating, you know, dharmic impact in the exact same realm. Maybe they have their different paths, but for us, ours happens to be the same. And so there is also this like 100, 100 union in our business. And I think that when we are working in business with a person that we are also in romantic partnership, this paradigm of 100-100 is playing out in two different realms of life. And so, yeah, I'm curious what you have to say about that.

SPEAKER_03 50:18

Yeah, we've had to be a lot more intentional in the realm of business with balance in 100-100 than we have in our relationship. Now, relationship has happened naturally, which is why the conversation that we had was like just that was like a learning for both of us. But within business, uh, we've had to be like really clear and it's like shifted, right? We have business meetings, which we used to split who would lead them, and now I lead all the business meetings. We'll pop the hood a little bit here for all the listeners, but like Jessica is responsible for course creation. I run everything on the back end of the podcast. And so the roles and responsibilities do get to be divvyed up.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

Yeah. And part of that learning for us was also like finding areas that we can be more successful in, I think, you know, and the courses that we're creating, at least right now, were like really wanting to come through. But something that's true about the way that our systems function is I can't be in admin mode and creation mode at the same time. So for us, that's part of why like some of this came to form is like, okay, if I'm going to like really be devoted to this creation, then I have to be able to offload some of this admin for you, you know. And we talk about like the way that masculine and feminine polarities will lead differently. And so we used to split business meetings. We also used to split relationship check-ins, but now you lead business meetings and I lead relationship check-ins. And it's actually way more cohesive than when we were splitting it back and forth. Like that felt more 50-50 because okay, we're each in charge, but it's like if you're always in charge of business meetings, then you keep a tally on everything that's going on. And if I'm always in charge of relationship check-ins, then I know what we've talked about at past ones and like what to keep tabs on and how to make every single one a little bit different and more devotional. And so, like learning how you function in relationship and devotion, and also learning how your business functions optimally is both of those are learning experiences. You know, I feel like we we just tapped into like our like our genius mode recently, as far as how we're working in business, and it's only getting better. But, you know, the energies that we're in in our business aren't necessarily the exact same that we're in in our relationship, and keeping those things separate and also knowing that they're both still 100-100 and that neither of those spaces are 50-50 are important because if the business is 50-50, it also doesn't thrive, you know. Like if we have to do something for the course, I need to trust you enough that like you can come into a course if I'm sick, which I do, you know. And if you can't do something for some of the admin stuff, it's like I'm really good at admin, like I'll I can do it, you know. But having our lanes feels really good. So everything is just like handled, you know, there's that checks and balances system as well.

SPEAKER_03 53:42

Yeah. Having two separate lanes that now you stay in one and I stay in the other is really, really important. In the past, it was like, okay, I'm in this lane one week, but then I'm gonna be in this lane the next week, and you're gonna be in the other one. That really didn't give us space to grow in skill and competency in that one lane. You use the examples of I run the business check-ins. So I do that every week. So I get better every week at the business check-ins instead of me uh fragmenting my attention between a business meeting and a relationship check-in. And you run the relationship check-ins every week. So you get better at that over time, right? And so not having to wobble between responsibilities, I think, is really, really important. I think that just kind of comes from an insecurity of like wanting things to be balanced, but it inhibits each person's ability to actually grow and get better in whatever should be their dedicated responsibility. It really comes from looking at strengths, like your strength of channeling course creation and like that teacher in you is totally a strong. And then me on the other side, it's like the mechanical stuff. Like, it's just like wouldn't it feel right for you to like set up the podcast equipment and like send it to an editor and like submit feedback and build the website? And you did build our last website, but it's like all that stuff, it it feels like that drains your energy from where it could be most productive.

SPEAKER_00 55:19

The other thing I'm thinking as we're talking is like I'm bringing 100% of my devotional energy to the relationship, and I'm bringing 100% of my dharmic energy to the business. My energy isn't split 50% in the relationship and 50% in the business. It's like there are different aspects of self that are showing up in those things. And having some separation between the two for anyone listening that has this type of partnership is important. You know, like we try not to talk about like business things when we're on a date, although sometimes we do because we love it so much, but you know, like creating some separation by way of even having like a business meeting and a relationship meeting. So there's like separate spaces for us to really like dive deeply into these things and you know, honoring that if there's some stuff going on in the business and you don't handle it, it will impact the relationship. And if there's some stuff going on in the relationship and you don't handle it because you're only bringing 50% there, then it's gonna impact the business. And so there is like to me a really specific type of person, people, and a really specific type of relationship that can do this successfully. And part of it is like having this 100-100 perspective in both spaces.

SPEAKER_03 56:35

Yeah, I love that distinction between devotion and relationship and dharmic expression in business.

SPEAKER_00 56:43

Anything else on your mind about this?

SPEAKER_03 56:46

Just homework for the people.

SPEAKER_00 56:47

Homework for the people.

SPEAKER_03 56:50

First thing is grab that free guide in the description if you haven't already. That's really like the first step to creating any of the alignment, the authenticity, the real true expression that we talk about on this podcast is developing your skill and having those vulnerable and courageous conversations.

SPEAKER_00 57:10

Yeah. And then part two, I'm thinking, is kind of like a two-part journaling experience. Like, I want everyone listening to this to let themselves go, let yourself go into like scoreboarder mode and and track your relationship and not to actually measure the relationship, but I want you to see how you feel when you are tracking the relationship in that way. And then on the next page of your journal, go through these four perspectives. Like how much devotion are you bringing to the partnership? How much do you feel like you're receiving? And then have your partner do the same thing if you have one. So you can have a conversation about these four aspects of things.

SPEAKER_03 57:58

Yeah. And the first part of that journal prompt is not to identify with the scorekeeper, but actually create some separation between your awareness and the scorekeeper. So you can notice more when that's coming online.

SPEAKER_00 58:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:12

Yeah. Notice the somatic difference in your body of like how do I feel when I'm playing scorekeeper versus in this conversation with my partner when we're like really being honest with how we feel and creating, you know, a plan, a shared vision based on how each of us needs to be loved by the other.

SPEAKER_03 58:30

If you don't have that vision, you will score keep. Like you need an alternative. So if you don't have that vision, create one. Create a shared vision.

SPEAKER_00 58:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:40

All right. Love you guys.

SPEAKER_00 58:41

Love you guys.