Moose Needs a Tissue

This week on Moose on the Loose, Jasmin is “dog tired, boss” and emotionally unqualified to analyse one of the saddest movies ever made: The Green Mile.

With Cherie busy being an actual responsible parent, Jasmin calls in Tara for backup — and what unfolds is less a film review and more a spiral into moral confusion, prison hypotheticals, trained mice admiration, and several statements that may or may not require legal retractions.

Together they attempt to answer the important questions:

• Who is the real villain?
• Is Tom Hanks secretly problematic?
• How many mice does it take to make cinematic magic?
• Would you survive prison… or a zombie apocalypse?
• And most importantly… who are you moosing?

There are tears (real ones), strong opinions about Mr Jingles, questionable social commentary, and at least one moment where everyone probably should have stopped talking — but didn’t.

If you came for hard-hitting research and scholarly film critique… you’re absolutely in the wrong place.

If you came for chaos, nostalgia, moral debates, and two grown women oversharing about a 1999 prison drama — welcome home.

“I’m tired, boss.” 💚

Transcript

Welcome back to Moose on the Loose, the podcast where I'm just dog tired, boss. And that is sometimes I do like a quote at the start, but that wasn't a quote. That's just me talking about my life at the moment.

And also something that's a new thing that nobody's done before, nobody's heard of this being a thing before, is that Sheree is literally too busy with her kids to come and play with us anymore. So I've had to call in reinforcements.

And so I would like to introduce you all to Tara.

Tara:
Hello. And FYI, Sheree, I still love you. So whatever's going on there, you're still the fucking bomb. All right?

Jasmin:
Yeah, I mean, she's just a good mum. She's a better mum than I. She focuses on all the children. But I should have got like an applause. I felt like it should have been like, Tara! I mean like a ripple of applause, but there wasn't a thing.

There was nothing there. So I apologise. Do you think that, yeah, my podcast is so povo that my guests have to make their own sound effects?

Tara:
Yeah, that's okay. Hey, I did well. If that's a clap then, yeah.

Jasmin:
It was a really low moment for me.

Now here's what I'm wondering, Tara. I'm wondering if the listeners want to hear about how we met at school and the first things that we said to each other.

Tara:
Ooh, I'm interested to see what your story is going to be. What's your story?

Jasmin:
Look, let's just admit we were both a dumb age. People say dumb things at that point in their life. I think this is looking back — there were signs that I've got some social deficits in my skills here.

People were saying their names backwards. And I was like, oh, mine's Nim Sag. And I was new at this school. And then I was like, oh my God, yours is a rat.

Tara:
This is where the Mandela effect comes into play for me because I swear to God it was the teacher. Like it was in class and the teacher was like, “Everyone say your name backwards.” And I was like, she fucking hates me.

And then that's when you were like, “Oh my God, your name backwards is a rat.” And I was like, no shit, Sherlock. Like what a bitch. And it was just downhill from there.

Jasmin:
Well yeah, I remember being in the playground and I said it and you flipped out. But I later found out people had been calling you that for a while.

And then it happened to be that we walked home in the same direction.

Tara:
I was like, why is this bitch following me?

Jasmin:
So if anyone out there is thinking, I’ll never be friends with my worst enemy — 13-year-old us got over it. And that was 25 years ago.

Movie Discussion Begins

Jasmin:
If you couldn’t tell by my quote earlier on, it's The Green Mile. We're doing The Green Mile for our movie. We're going to find out who's the villain.

Do you just have, off the top of your head, your instinct of who the movie's intended villain is?

Tara:
The dude that set the gunfire.

Jasmin:
That was the guard. What about the guy that killed the two little girls?

Tara:
Oh yeah, I forgot about him.

Jasmin:
Okay, quick movie summary.

We’ve got this guy on death row. Big, beautiful, soulful man. Everyone thinks he killed two little girls because they found him holding them, screaming “I tried to take it back.”

Turns out he’s magical. He heals people by absorbing their pain. He tries to take the death from the girls but can’t.

There’s also the actual killer, Wild Bill. There’s a sweet inmate with a mouse named Mr Jingles. There’s a sadistic guard. There’s Tom Hanks trying to give people a dignified end of life.

And then we find out John Coffey is innocent. But he wants to die because he’s tired of the world.

Moose, Marry, Avoid

Jasmin:
Moose, Marry, Avoid. Would you put your antlers on them?

John Coffey. Tom Hanks. Percy Wetmore.

Tara:
I’d marry John Coffey.

Jasmin:
He dies.

Tara:
I feel like he’d have magic fingers.

Jasmin:
Oh my God.

Tara:
Think about it.

Jasmin:
Who would you moose?

Tara:
The killer dude.

Jasmin:
He’s not on the list.

Tara:
Fine. I’ll marry Tom Hanks, moose John Coffey, void Percy.

Jasmin:
Out of the first three, I would marry the guard because whoever is the richest person is who I marry.

They’re not on death row. They have income.

I would probably moose John Coffey.

And then this devolves into inappropriate racial stereotypes that we absolutely should not have unpacked.

Am I The Moosehole

Jasmin:
Am I the arsehole for reporting a coworker who cut safety corners and caused someone to get hurt?

Tara:
What does this have to do with The Green Mile?

Jasmin:
Because the guards knew Percy was awful and didn’t report him.

Tara:
In context? No. Not the arsehole. Tell the truth.

Two Mooses and a Lie

1. John Coffey’s initials are a biblical reference.
2. Mr Jingles was played by multiple trained mice.
3. Tom Hanks turned down the role originally.

Lie = Tom Hanks turning it down.

Yes, multiple trained mice were used. Tara is deeply passionate about mouse training.

Would You Rather

Jasmin:
Would you rather know John Coffey is innocent but be unable to prove it, or never know and live peacefully?

Tara:
Never know and live peacefully.

Jasmin:
Just let him die in the chair?

Tara:
Why would I live my whole life feeling bad?

Who’s The Real Villain?

Wild Bill is clearly a villain.

Percy is a villain.

The wife yelling “pig fucker” maybe less so.

Tom Hanks arguably let the sponge execution happen.

Maybe everyone is complicit. Maybe everyone’s flawed.

Maybe we didn’t research this enough.

Closing Chaos

Jasmin:
Out of you and me, who survives longest in prison?

Tara:
Me. I’d get a girlfriend. I’ve watched Orange Is The New Black.

Jasmin:
Who survives a zombie apocalypse?

Tara:
I’d climb a tree. Then probably fall out and die.

Jasmin:
I’d survive because Matt would protect me.

Jasmin:
We didn’t research deeply. If you’re here for hard-hitting film analysis, you’re in the wrong place. This is for fart jokes and chaos.

How do you feel?

Tara:
It was fun. I hope I was entertaining.

Jasmin:
You basically said “fuck the police” on my podcast.

Tara:
Retraction: I love the police. Peace, inner guys.

Jasmin:
You’re making it worse.

Jasmin:
Thanks again. Bye everybody.

Tara:
Goodbye. Thank you for listening to me.