Chapter 3: X: The Addiction

Chapter 3 of a 4-Part Survival Series

Krystal with a K returns—and this is where leaving stops being a choice.

In X: The Addiction, the abuse cycle tightens through the hovering phase—the part where he doesn’t let her go, just pulls her back in. Apologies hit like a fix. Promises feel real. And every time she creates distance, something drags her right back to where she started.

What feels like love is something far more dangerous: a trauma bond that chemically rewires the brain. Highs, lows, withdrawal, relief—on repeat. Not romance. Not weakness. Addiction.

And inside that addiction, Krystal keeps crossing her own boundaries—again and again—just to survive the moment, just to get back to “before.”

Reality distorts further.
She’s replaced, then pulled back.
Others are brought in.
And somewhere along the way, she stops trusting her own mind—but not the cycle.

Dark, sharp, and uncomfortably honest—with humor that probably needs a restraining order—The "X" series continues...

And just when it feels like the cycle might never break…
something happens.
Something that cuts through the addiction instantly...

AND THERE IS NO GOING BACK!

⚠️ Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussion of psychological abuse, trauma bonding, emotional dependency, coercion, manipulation, and withdrawal. Recommended for listeners 18 and older.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Lat twist. Still alive! This is chapter three of a four-part survival series. X. This chapter covers the hoovering phase of the abuse cycle. Before you play, do not enter. Go back and listen to chapter one and chapter two. Chapter one builds the illusion, chapter two shows you the shift. And this chapter, this is the addiction. When the abuse hooks you so deep, you can't leave. To survive this chapter, here's what you need to understand about the cycle. Trauma bonding isn't complicated. It's actually terrifyingly simple. They give you highs and love and then they take it away. They confuse, control, discard, and just when you think you're free, they pull you back in. And your brain, it rewires itself. You become addicted to the abuse. Not because you want to, because your body and mind are chemically hooked. Every time you think, why the fuck did she go back? Remind yourself. Addiction. Chemical rewiring. No choice. Some terms you'll need to know. Triangulation. Pulling others in to make you feel replaceable, unstable, or insane. Like in It Follows, the horror spreads from person to person, leaving you isolated and vulnerable. Flying monkeys. Recruiting others to watch, report, confront, or pressure you. We're talking cult-like Charles Manson style manipulation. People doing their bidding, making you question your reality, and trapping you in the fucking nightmare. Smear campaign. Lies and distortions, rewriting your character in the eyes of others. So by the time you speak, you're already the villain. This was the final seven months of it. Seven months where every apology, every breadcrumb, every flash of the beginning dragged me straight back into the nightmare. I went back again and again. Not because I wanted to, because I couldn't stop. And yes, dark humor is still included, absolutely fucking free, because surviving a haunted house comes with a sarcasm subscription. I cannot cancel. Trigger warning. This content is for 18 and up audiences only and includes discussions of physical and mental abuse, trauma bonding, emotional dependency, coercion, and sexual conversations. Welcome to chapter three of X, The Addiction. So I'm not even gonna waste any time. Honestly, if you are here, then you already know the first part was. I just want to plunge into right into that deep end. We left you guys on a little bit of a cliffhanger, and I'm sure that you big cliffhanger. After that entire episode where you ended up hammered drunk from Crystal Shit Show Red Flag drinking game, where we left off was I told you that I had been in a place where I finally decided to tell X that I wanted a divorce. Again, we told the story as it happened for me. I was not educated. I did I wasn't really knowledgeable on this type of person. I had experienced it before, but didn't have terms for it or understanding of the cycle that comes along with this kind of abuse. I just know that even though I had embraced the doormat reaction during the marriage in order to stop having these horrific fights, I did become much more volatile when the divorce started. And I truly believe that's because I started seeing more of the behaviors that I didn't even know existed. His mask fell off completely, and I was seeing gaslighting, manipulation, and I started to do research and figure it out. So I became more and more volatile in in response to that. At that time, though, I was divorcing him. I very much loved him. And I think the reason that I wanted the divorce so much was because I wanted him to be happy and I wanted my kids to grow up with happy parents. And I really believed the narrative. I was the reason for his depression. And everything I did, no matter how good it was, it seemed to like make him more and more depressed. I just thought that was the best option. So when this is all starting, I had gone to nursing school. I had started learning about addiction. I had seen people and taken care of people in the hospital during this time who were detoxing or trying to come off of usually alcohol, but also drugs at times. And I can see the parallels. Knowing what I know now about this type of abuse, it chemically changes your brain. So you're addicted to the treatment and the behavior of the ups and downs. And you had asked me in the last episode, was it good for a while or what was the pattern of like good versus bad? And I told you it started to get further and further between that there were good. Um and I was, but I was like holding out for that little bit of good. And that's what makes your brain chemically addicted. That is true trauma bonding. So when I had first started going to counseling shortly after the divorce started, she gave me a book and it was about personality disorders, specifically borderline personality disorder, but there was a multitude of these covered. I read the whole book front to back and I learned a lot about a lot of different ones. I also was educated in nursing school about him. One of them was narcissistic personality disorder, MPD. This is from my perspective. I am in no way a licensed therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, none of those things. I'm only speaking from my experiences, what I endured. He's never been evaluated. I'm just saying these are traits of narcissistic people. So yes, she gave me a resource, but that was individual counseling. Because again, in a couple's situation, they're treating the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

I remember when I was talking to X, because he always called me, right? Before you could get the chance, obviously, because I did talk to you a lot, but he was not somebody that I would just call just to shoot the shit either. So when he would call me, I always knew there was an issue or that he was experiencing an issue and quote unquote wanted my advice. Right. Well, when he was trying to tell me something, I can't even remember verbatim like what exactly it was, but it was like a discovery where he was telling me, I think that Crystal has a personality disorder. And I'm like, I don't know, X, I I don't know. Why do you think this? And he's like, Well, I saw a book, the book therapist gave her this book. I was just thinking in my head, like, you don't even know. Yeah, okay. It wasn't about me.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

The book wasn't about me.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

But he was like trying to make it up to me that you were studying about yourself.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yeah, well, here's the funny thing about that. If he or anyone is a narcissist, truly, if they are a narcissist, they would never fucking read a book thinking it's about them. At least very few would. Yeah. Because they, it's never their fault. They could never admit that they're a narcissist.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

I just thought that was so funny, though.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Of course. So that's hilarious. No, bitch, it was about you, just for the record. So to go back for a minute to the trauma bonding and being addicted to that treatment, because of that, I had physical pain. I remember feeling my body aching. Like I couldn't sleep. I was having full-on like panic attacks, which I'd never really had in my life. Even when we would fight and stuff, I think my brain would just shut off. But I was having these like physical reactions to leaving him and not being with him. I start reading on these cycles. I'm not sure which one he falls under. He wasn't cold at first. At first, he's like, let's make this amicable. Maybe we can just start new. We love each other, right? I knew I loved him. I assumed he loved me. I wanted to have a good life. I wanted to have a good co-parenting relationship. So we're gonna live together in the same house for a little while. We'll kind of take turns. We don't want to uproot the kids. At that point, our oldest child was five and the youngest was about one. Again, there was a part of me that was hanging on to maybe he would change, maybe things would get better and maybe we get back together. I wanted that, but I also didn't change my mind on the divorce portion. Within a few weeks, X starts just subtly suggesting hey, maybe we should both get on dating apps and just start seeing what else is out there. Because at the time we were still being intimate sometimes because we lived together. Obviously, that is a huge fucking problem. And even me with me, I'm fucking collecting red flags, right? Like it was a pastime. Actually, I was probably professional. Like I could have played in the NFL of red flags collecting.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Yeah, because when you guys mutually agreed to that and you said that out loud, I was like, Well, you knew, Hannah Montana knew.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

There were like three of you that we talked to about it. Most of the time when you and I talked, up until this point, you would a lot of times get information from ex about me, like you had said, but I wasn't telling you a lot of stuff because I was worried about how he would look and he would throw me under the bus. And then I would finally kind of come clean with what had happened in my view of what was going on. And you're like, well, he didn't tell me any of that. Right. So at that point, we both told you we were doing this. And I was very against it. But as time goes on and I'm still living in this world that I don't create the narrative for, right? X-Land.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

And I'm still also as a friend in that middle place where I'm not necessarily picking sides just yet.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Really trying to be neutral, as was your husband, as were most of our quote, mutual friends. But also, in fairness, nobody knew what I was enduring behind closed doors at all. So fast forward, a couple more weeks go by. This is very quick that this occurs, and I finally agree to it. But here's the crazy part is simultaneously, I start believing that this was my idea the whole time, that I wanted to get on the apps, like that I wanted to try this. Again, serial monogamous mentality here. So I reluctantly do it and also just accept that I'm the one that decided this. Saying that out loud is crazy. Crazy. So we start on like Tinder and different things. And I had never been on a dating app before. Fucking mind-blowing for me. It's very overwhelming for women because you get a lot of people swiping. We would tell each other about who we were dating and what we were doing. He kept telling me none of them are like you. And every time I talk to another girl, I'm thinking about you. And I can just see this making us stronger, and maybe we'll get divorced, but then we can get remarried. Yeah, I do remember y'all stating something like that too. Yeah. In my head, I'm like, but why do we have to get divorced? And then I'm questioning the divorce that was my idea. I'm telling-Quote unquote your idea. It was that actually the divorce was my, I told you.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

No, no, no. I'm talking about the getting on the dating act.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Oh, yeah, no, that, yeah. I can say with complete understanding and clarity now in my life, that was not. So while this is all happening, probably a month into the divorce, I'm up in West Texas visiting Sarah and uh some other friends, and I find my lump. But you can hear more about that on Frank and Titties. I am not rehashing most of that. Um, I may say a couple other things that are from there, but for the sake of time, surprise, bitches, it was breast cancer. Okay, so go back to episode one, Frank and titties, and there is a Frank and titties too that talks about my second breast cancer diagnosis, third overall cancer diagnosis. Anyway, there is my plug. While this was happening, Sarah and I were continuing to be close, but some friends I did start notice the shift. So Hannah Montana was a friend from nursing school. She was the one that I helped get out of an abusive relationship. She was living in our house too, by the way, while this is going on. But shortly after all this started, she ended up moving out to live with her new boyfriend. So when we would talk, she would start preemptively telling me, well, X was telling me this, and you really shouldn't have done that. And X told me it was your idea about the dating. So she was already getting information and she was talking to him before she was even talking to me at this point. Can I also just add, I did not like her from the very beginning.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

Okay. I don't know what it is, but maybe we should do a podcast of my psyche.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

My friends should have to get the stamp of approval for my ride or die. You're right. They should because I've made multiple decisions friendship-wise. Clearly, I was not the best judge of character for a long time. That has all fucking changed now. Like you I have the highest of standards. But I started distancing myself a little bit more because I felt I had to prove that that wasn't the case. Did you almost feel like you had to defend yourself a little bit? For sure. There was this part of me in the back of my head, like she was in a very abusive relationship, and there's a reason she believed him. It's probably because, again, they smell out people that have been victimized before. And I think she was an easy target, if you will, to believe his sob stories and his victim victimhood. We were doing this dating thing. He was continuing to push the idea of me be goby with other men again. This was something that he told me I needed to accept. If I could accept this, we could definitely be together again. We could start a relationship anew where this wasn't taboo and that we could do it together. And I'm telling you guys, I was so fucking in love with this person. And even though that last time made me feel really gross, the idea of having him back and having that once again held over my head. It's and and being in the mindset that the divorce wasn't my idea and that, you know, this would make him happy. Basically, I agree again for the second time. And again, this is so far outside of something that I enjoy or like. But similar situation, he's like, well, just try to meet one of these people. Well, I ended up knowing a guy who I was somebody I knew already. He had expressed interest in me, and and that was at least wasn't a stranger, I guess, is what I was thinking. He and I were getting divorced. So I think that's how in my head I legitimized it. Like it's not cheating, and he wants me to do it, but I still had that for me, it was a boundary. And once again, I'm crossing my own sexual boundary for someone else. He wanted me to like tell him about it and everything. And so I I wanted to chicken out. He like calls me and is coaching me through this. Like, just go over there, just like, you know, talk to him and just and I'm not kidding. I went, I showed up this person's house. I had several drinks and I got in and out. Like I did not want to stay. I didn't want to hardly talk to the person. I did it. I'm so ashamed that I even fucking did that. I leave and again I'm having like this emotional reaction to it. I'm disgusted in myself. And he's like, Well, I'll come get you. I'll come see you. Like, immediately wants to see me. Immediately wants me, immediately wanted my underwear that I had worn to that this. For me, it was just one more time going past my morals, my values, and doing something that I didn't feel right about. And I will say this I did run into this person again and I did tell them that that happened because I felt so like bad about it. He also simultaneously had a double standard in this regard. He was very jealous of me talking to other people and trying to date other men, but he also kept pushing the sexual part of it, of me being with other people, telling him about it, bringing him the underwear thing multi multiple times. That's something that he had said that he wanted.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Yes, like you gave him the underwear and he just took it home with him.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

No, he wanted me to wear the underwear to go see him and then have him take it off of you? Yes. Wow. That saying that makes me feel disgusting. The idea that I did all of that for him makes my stomach churn to ever have done, not even just to have done that, but to have done that for him. That's the sickening part. If you're listening and you're like, fuck, this is over sharing. I know this sounds crazy, but this is so freeing for me because I have literally lived with shame and that's what kept me quiet about this. But because I know that he doesn't want anyone to know this, it makes me feel very free right now. So you can judge me all you want.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

I would I hope you know I'm not asking these questions to judge you. This stuff is like you would see in a psychological thriller. Yeah, this is like a movie. Genuinely this was a horror movie, guy.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

I'm telling you, this was a fucking horror movie. So let's just fucking move away from that. And I feel like this dating app thing, all of the shit hit the fan and everything fucking shifted. And this is when I really saw who he was for the first time. Like, really saw him. I had had glimpses during our entire seven years, but the mask didn't fucking fully fall off. This was right before I'm diagnosed. It was a few weeks of waiting. In these few weeks, this is only like a month time span, we're starting to date and we're doing all this shit.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

He's still living with you.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

He's still living with me.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Are y'all still hooking up at this point? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

I go to work, I work a 12-hour shift, and something just told me to like check the phone bill. And we're not divorced yet, and both of us are doing the wrong thing and getting on these fucking dating apps. And I haven't went through with going to be with anybody. Wasn't I didn't want to do that.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Like, I wondered if he even had time.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

I didn't have a lot, have a lot of time. And he was telling me he didn't because his leg was broken and it was hard for him, and he was going to all these appointments. So he actually was in the military still because once they're hurt, they're kind of part of like this wounded warrior leg uh leg, but um bum sh wow, that's fucked up. Guys, I support the military and I support wounded warriors and wounded veterans, but again, there are all kinds of shitty people in all walks of life. So he he ended up being part of a unit for a while that was for people that were wounded. I'm um on my way from work and I look at the phone and I see that I'm not exaggerating, there were probably 400 texts sent that day. And it was from the moment I left until a couple minutes before I walked into the door. And I'm pretty sure we had had sex like that week. We kept saying this is a bad idea, we shouldn't do it again, but then we would. So I'm like, who the fuck is he talking to all day? He's been telling me none of these women compare to me. He loves me. He he's just doing this to go through the motions so that we can eventually come back together. And I see this and my fucking heart drops. I was telling him everything I was doing. I was showing him conversations, none of them went anywhere. I hadn't actually met up with anybody at that point. And I I start texting him actually from the other room because we were sleeping in separate rooms. And I was just like, I see that you're texting two separate numbers hundreds of times in a day. And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sure it was one of my buddies. And I was like, This is not how you fucking talk or text to any of your buddies, not in the time I've known you. What are you talking about? So I knew he was lying. I literally go, I fucking put the person's phone number that I found, two of them, into the internet. And lo and behold, both of them come up with names from like the yellow pages or whatever. One of them was, we're gonna call her Mariah, aka R V Girl. Okay. So Mariah was the main one that he was talking to. I was just like, okay, I'm gonna save this now because you're fucking lying. I go into the room where he's at and I'm shaking and crying. I'm like, I want you to fucking tell me the truth. You're lying to me. You're talking to these girls. How are you sitting in this room and you just were like wanting to watch a movie with me when I got home and wanting to have time and hold hands and you're fucking texting these people 300 times, 400 times in a day? He just had a blank fucking look on his face and he was just like, Well, sorry, feel that way. No emotion, no reaction. My heart is just shattering into pieces. I'm fucking crying, I'm screaming, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, how can you feel nothing and feel like you lied about everything to me? And he's like, I didn't lie about anything. And I'm like, I'm fucking showing you the text. Like, bitch, her Mariah is on your phone. And he's like, Oh, sorry about that. Just and the sorry wasn't like an apology. It was like, sorry, feel that way. Very matter of fact, agree to disagree. And I'm like, agree to disagree on fact.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

I feel like that reaction that you were having definitely puts in perspective that you totally bought in on the fact that you were hoping that that you all would end up together again.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

It wasn't and hit he at made this a as an undercover, like I'm gonna be able to do sneaky things and do fill my selfish desires still being with this woman, aka you under her roof and still be around my children. It's like he can have his cake and eat it too.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

And let's be clear, that roof was my roof. That was my grandmother's home that she actually gifted us before she died. Thank God she had not passed yet at that point, but she had gone ahead and gifted it to us prior to her passing. So we owned it and he actually put it in our divorce divorce paperwork that when both kids turned 18, we would sell the house and split the money. Fucking agreed to this, right? After that, as soon as that happened, I was like, I don't know who the fuck you are. And when I say I went back to being volatile, being lied to by somebody that you love in your face and the degree in which he didn't give a fuck, I felt something like just snap inside of me. I had gone a long way of being the doormat, and that stopped that day. Like I went back into being this extremely emotional, unstable person. I would I kicked him out. I said, get the fuck out of my house. And then he's sitting in his truck. It's running. And he did this a lot, sitting in his truck running, and he's on the phone with somebody, right? And I can hear a female voice. So I tell him to leave. He doesn't leave, he just sits in my driveway. I'm not proud of this either. After the last one that I told, this is probably the least insane thing that I feel like I did. I had not taken the trash out yet, and he had been home all day and hadn't taken it out. Bunch of fucking dirty diapers in it and food and shit. I took it out and I literally dumped it all over the the back of his truck and over the front windshield. And then I poured apple cider vinegar all over the front of his windshield. And I was like, get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. I I lost my shit. Like I lost my fucking mind. Seething. And he did. He left. I was like, you're done. We're not living together anymore. And so within a couple days, he has an RV. And he's living in it. And when we had done the paperwork, we were supposed to live within these two counties. At the time where he was living, it really wasn't that close. Well, I'm doing the research. I'm Googling because now I've been lied to. Anybody that's a liar out there or thinks it's a good idea, you make women the best fucking detectives on the planets. I'm basically fucking Sherlock Holmes now. And I mean that because that that was the kickoff to me starting to learn how to research shit really well. So I start looking up this person, Mariah. I find newspaper articles. She was also part of the military. Yellow page's address was where he chose to live was within two miles of her, but over 30 minutes away from me and the kids. And I thought out of the counties. So that was really frustrating for me. Well, he starts being very cold. That's when all of the communication stops. And he had done that in the relationship, but this time it was like extra cold. It was like fucking Antarctica. He wouldn't respond to my texts for days. We were supposed to be trying to live the co-parenting life like he wanted to do 50-50. I agreed to it. We're using the same lawyer, trying to do it as cheaply and amicably as possible. However, half the time he something was wrong with the RV and he needed me to keep to keep the kids longer. I would say within about a week of me getting my diagnosis, so we're still having that hung over my head, but he's not changing his behavior at all.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Which is crazy because Rudy and I have had this discussion that if we were going through that same situation, he has said many of times he would postpone the divorce just to make sure that I had the medical care because I'm the mother of his children. And he'd want me to fight with everything that I could without it being a financial burden on me. And for Rudy, even that was mind-blowing. And I think for him, that was when X's friendship or BFF status was kind of cracked up.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

He had no respect from at that point. Yeah, because we even had the conversation. I'm like, look, I'm just starting this job at the hospital. I have decent benefits, but if I'm covered both, because I had his mil military insurance as well. I just asked him to maybe wait a few months until my surgery was done. He was like, No, I don't, I don't want to wait.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

I want to don't just seem very cold. He did.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

He was cold. And like I said, this was about a week prior to that. I had come up and while I was up here, I had met a guy at a bar, given him my number. And this one I didn't tell my ex about or anything. Now looking back, I think he might have, you know, taken something out of my playbook and checked the phone bill. By the way, you can check the phone bill, just so you know if you're wondering what shit's going on. On the way home, he wanted me to come and sign all of the paperwork with the notary. That was the last thing we had to do together. And I was very back and forth about it. But on the drive home from West Texas, I just like, you gotta just let it go. You just gotta be done with it. Everything inside of you is telling you this is wrong for you. Just fucking be done. I get home. I go back, I go to work for a couple days. I haven't met him yet for the notary thing. And he randomly texts me and he's just like, Hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm fixing the tire. And he's like, hmm. Well, do you need help with the with the tire situation? And I I'm all the way at work. Like I worked about 45 minutes away from home. And I'm like, no, I'm fine. I'm trying to just move on and move forward and be nice. Something was wrong with his RV at that time. He was staying at my house to watch the kids, but I was staying somewhere else. I was like, we're not sleeping under the same roof anymore. And so he's like, Well, are you gonna stop by the house at all? And I was like, no. And he's like, oh, dang. And I'm like, dang what? You've been fucking ice cold to me this whole time. This is where I'm gonna use the term hovering. He's starting to hover me back in after that cold, right? So I'm texting this dude that I met in West Texas, and he's actually gonna I'm gonna say it again. He's throwing up red flags. I can't even take myself. He started telling me about how when he was younger, he was like sleeping with his teacher, and like he was in love with her. Yeah, and I was just like, I don't know. That set off the alarm. Like that purple little zapper thing in the freaking night. Listen, I was still learning, okay?

SPEAKER_01 25:42

I wasn't Except you weren't zapping them, you weren't just letting them rat on in.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

I ran on in. I was definitely attracting these fucking cockroaches. Um, and so I was like, nah, man, this is weird. But X was texting me too, telling me he missed me and he wanted to talk to me, but he couldn't talk to me via text. And at this point, I had told him, I want the house thing out of the fucking decree. I'm not splitting her house with you. And he's suddenly being nice out of nowhere. He ends up in so many words alluding to the idea that he wants me to come over. And so I do. And I made a huge fucking error in judgment when I went over there because it literally opened up Pandora's box of making money.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

All the shit he could do.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Yeah. It really showed me this was another level. It just, like I said, it just progressively got worse and very quickly it got worse. So I go over there, he starts asking me questions about if I've met anybody, and it's almost like he already knew. But I was like, Well, I know things because I've been looking at these things, so I'm assuming he's doing the same. I confront him about Mariah. I'm like, I know that she lives two miles from you. And he's like, Yeah, we've seen each other and we've had sex, but it's not a thing. We're not in a relationship, it's nothing. And I'm crying and I'm getting emotional because he's finally showing me warmth. I showed up and he wanted to hug me. And then even while I'm there, it goes hot cold, hot, cold. So he's like touching me, hugging me one minute, and then telling me, like, we can't do this. This is a bad idea. And I'm like, what is a bad idea? What do you mean? I just want to show you affection. You hugged me, and then he's asking me all these questions about a guy in West Texas, and I'm like, dude, he's nobody. Like, literally, he's a walking black. But I'm also giving him way too much information. I shouldn't be giving him any of this, right? And I'm like, I just want to be with you. Like, I miss you. And I miss sex with him because that's my love language. I just missed intimacy. And so he was like, No, I don't think it's right. No, I don't think we should do this. Let's keep talking. And then we were out on the porch, then we went inside, then we're sitting on different chairs, and then I would try to be affectionate, and then he would tell me, like, no, just stop. I don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Very manipulating and very disgusting. Well, the idea how back and forth he wasn't in that immediate moment.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

Well, it was so confusing to me, and I wanted to say he did say no a lot, but there was nothing sexual. We were discussing the idea of being intimate, and we were discussing working it out, and there were a lot of no's involved in that, but it plays a role in what what I'm about to say next. I finally start shutting down because I'm so fucking confused as to what is happening at this point. I just sit on the couch and I am like blank stare again. And I get up, everything in my body is like, you need to leave. And so I just say that I feel tears streaming down my face, and I'm like, I think I need to go. That is one of the few times in my life that my body was telling me, get the fuck out of there. And then he got up and he came over to me and he started touching my stomach, and I was like, wait, I pulled away a little.

SPEAKER_01 28:41

You just said like we shouldn't do this, and you were giving me all these mixed singles.

SPEAKER_00 28:45

And I don't want anyone getting hurt at this point. This is all so fucked. It's all so diluted, it's so bad. And he's like, Neither do I. And then he started kissing me, and then we end up going into the other room to let you know. I'm not gonna say anything about how he looks, but he is much bigger than me and weighed a significant amount more than me, was still in pretty good physical shape, other than a broken leg. We have consensual sex because of his kinks and sexual things that he liked. I was playing into that while we were being intimate. I'm fucking extra desperate. I sound like the most desperate person in the world. I'm obviously very mentally fucked at this point. And we finish, and immediately there is a fucking switch. And I, what happened when he was lying paled in comparison to whatever this was. He gets up and he's like, I can't believe I did that. I feel so dirty immediately. I'm once again, yeah. He's like, I feel so dirty. And as I have said, if anybody knows me, I find myself to be a very empathetic person. Yeah, I can be an asshole. Yeah, I can be cutthroat at times. But when it comes to something like that, that that bothered me. I was like, my God, what did I do? Like, did I upset him? And he proceeds to tell me, I made a mistake. I can't believe we did that. I feel disgusting. I cheated on her, on Mariah. And he's like, You're what? Yes, you're my mistress.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

Even though he had been very like in he had basically in a convicting way said, You're not in any normal.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

We're not really a thing. But and then it continued, and then he starts going, I have never felt the way she makes me feel. I'm gonna lose her because I'm cheating on her with a mistress. He calls me his wife, a mistress, and I am like, holy fucking shit. Like, and he starts crying. He starts crying, and I'm crying because I'm like, sorry, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm again apologizing to this person. He's like, I just need to talk to my counselors about this, and I don't know what that was. I just want to lay down. I won't just go away. And I'm like, whatever you need from me, like I'm sorry if we crossed the line that you didn't want to cross. Like, I'm apologizing to him.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Yeah. From a friend standpoint and just some of the scenarios outside of this, you have always been very cognizant about whether or not you did the right thing, and you were you've always been overly apologetic. Even times when I'm like, you didn't do anything, especially if we went out drinking or something. You always have been the one of my friends that have always thought you did something wrong, even when you didn't do anything wrong. And I always wondered where that came from. But to me, it's like he perpetuated that and knew that about you. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

I wholeheartedly believe that that night was extreme manipulation and calculated to a point. I I leave because he is staying there. He goes back to his place and it's cold again. We have a kid's switch off, and he's like, put the kids' stuff out on the front porch. And so that next day, I felt horrific. I feel stupid. I feel all of the things. I told, I think, three people what happened. You, Hannah Montana, and and one other friend that was a mutual friend. Basically, I told them exactly what I just told all of you, 34 listeners, and Sarah, you were an honest friend and you told me you fucked up. Why are you having sex with him? Stop doing those things. But nothing that I told you, other than me making poor life choices at that time, that any of the things that I said just now or even when I called you, come off.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

There was nothing alarming about it other than I'm like, again, you know, as a friend, you you do get to a point where you're like, how many more times are you gonna just fall into this? When are you gonna finally start making the steps to really fully remove yourself from him and from all of this? I was getting to that point of exhaustion for you because I'm like, both of y'all are just toxic together. Y'all only bring the worst out of each other. But I I was just coming from a standpoint of like, stop doing that. Stop.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

No, you were being a real friend. You were telling me the truth. Nothing about what you're about to reveal ever crossed my mind. So a couple days go by, he's not speaking to me. I sent him something along the lines of like, you know, your family loves you, you're loved. Because again, he's had these suicidal things. He had been having depression, and I'm like, he's clearly mentally not stable. I'm not, I'm definitely don't feel stable at this point. He won't talk to me. He's make he doesn't want to see me. Um, I go to a concert with my sister, and on the way home, I get a call from Rudy, your husband.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

Again, what you're about to reveal, I was not the first to hear this. He did not call me telling me this.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

He calls your husband who is in another country working, and Rudy didn't call me hardly about any of this shit.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Like No, he actually stayed away from the city. He tried to stay out of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

He calls me and he's like, Crystal, X called me and he told me that you raped him. And I really think it's time for you to lawyer up. That's what I think you need to do. And because of Rudy, supposedly at that time, I thought was his best friend.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

And even then he didn't even want to know the details of anything. He just was like warn her.

SPEAKER_00 33:54

Just fucking warn her to hear those words used. He had said things like, You make me feel make me feel like an abusive, you know, so the person that had abused him when he was a kid, but never rape came out of his mouth.

SPEAKER_01 34:08

And this was obviously extremely fucking shocking to me because Yeah, I was gonna say, did you start to connect the dots at that point of like how he was reacting?

SPEAKER_00 34:16

At the time, I felt extremely blindsided and shocked that that would ever be said about me. Because we did your podcast, it triggered me a bit, and I got emotional after your podcast because I was like, fuck, dude. We say always believe somebody. And and for the most part in my life, I do. If someone tells me they were sexually assaulted, male, female, whatever, I believe them. Men can be sexually assaulted, happens all the time in prison. It can happen with spouses, but typically it's not nearly as common. We're not gonna go down the rabbit hole because the bottom line is I did not, but I had allowed him to make so many other things a reality in my brain that that one that he was now telling people, and we're in the middle of a fucking divorce with kids. I was like, holy shit. I didn't put the pieces together that honestly that felt very much like a trap now looking back.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

This is when for me on the outside looking in was when I saw the who he was like the mask following. Yeah, the the switch get flipped on you.

SPEAKER_00 35:17

I get a call within a day or two, or I believe I might have even messaged Daniela because I told you Hannah Montana started shifting, but this was the fucking final nail in the coffin for me. Daniela lets me know. I think she called me and she's like, hey, just want to let you know. I know you had called me upset about that night. Um, he I heard from Hannah Montana that he he's telling her that you raped him. And I'm like, So now second person telling you this as fact, and she is passing it along as if it's fact. And never spoken to it.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

People have context. Rudy does not know Daniela. Daniela has never spoken to Rudy.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Now two people have said it. So this is now a narrative that is being spread. And I'm in about to be about to be fighting in a divorce that started amicably with somebody that I fucking love and would do anything for and lied about all the time to people that I loved because I didn't want them to look at him bad. And he's telling people that I sexually assaulted him. I I heeded the advice. I fucking at that point, I turned into cold. I put a wall up. I was like, absolutely not. I'm not fucking meeting you outside of having a mediator. I'm not meeting you outside of counseling if you want to go co-parent. None of that. And I definitely told the lawyer I called and I was like, this will not be amicable anymore. It will not be us being represented by the same person. Right.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

This is also the part for me, anyways, starting to see a lot of anger come from you. And it was like the start of trying to navigate talking to uh somebody with narcissistic traits. And this was the beginning of the journey on really trying to figure out how do I keep my composure? Because at this point, you're very angry, you're wanting to make sure you protect yourself and your children.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

I was scared too. Yeah, I was scared because these people are saying it factually. Rudy did not believe him. He made that very clear. Right. But Hannah Montana did. And again, he had made me believe things and then lied to me so straightfaced, all of that comes flooding into my head. I'm like, holy fuck, he's gonna keep lying. And I'm not even telling y'all every single thing that happened because I'm not gonna make this fucking podcast eight hours long. I will write a book about this. There was that. One part I really want to bring up is the part when he actually called you and you and I had talked, and you're like, I don't even trust him anymore to have conversations with. So you recorded a phone call, and I still have it to this day, of him calling you. And if they could teach a class on narcissism, that conversation has so many fucking if there's any professors out there, seriously, example figure out a way to put this into a lesson plan. Yeah, I'm it's not about him at all. It's about someone like him doing these things. This is what it sounds like, this is what they would say, this is gaslighting, this is them flipping things on you and pointing at you as the issue. So that's essentially what the conversation was.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And I never originally was like, you know, a person to read cord phone calls, you know and especially with, you know, X or with you or anybody. For me, he had made me feel that he was being very like pushy and wanting to change my opinion. Cause again, I I really did try to stay Switzerland, try to be a supportive friend for both of y'all. Even though I saw all the red flags and was like, man, and it but he started becoming a little pushy with me on trying to change my opinion about something, even being Switzerland was a problem for him. He was bringing up feelings for me from past relationships. It was just grossing me out. The other thing, too, is there was one time when he was trying to make me say stuff and maybe use it against me. And you would confront me about it. And I'm like, I never said that. I'm been staying Switzerland. And so for me, it was like, oh no, no.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

He would use you as a way to manipulate me. Yeah, there was triangulation, which is a good thing.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

And even Rudy, he was starting to get really pissed off of how in how involved and how much he was calling me and was like, Sarah, this is not right.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

Well, that recording, you're asking him valid questions. I'm gonna put it together in a nutshell rather than go through all of it. I'm paraphrasing. She won't come near me, she won't even talk to me. And you're like, Well, you accused her of rape. So I could understand that. And he's like, Well, I'm only going to use that against her if she contests the divorce. It's very clear that it's blackmailing. She's like, I just have a hard time. What do you mean she raped you? Crystal told me about that night, and you were just like, Can you tell me like what you meant? That's why I brought up the no thing. I said no. I said no a bunch of times. I said no. And that's it.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

I know you don't want to go through the whole conversation because it was a pretty lengthy, but I did tell him several times. Well, if that's true, why not call the police? Why are we even having this discussion? You shouldn't be telling all these people that she did this to you. If you really felt that way, you should go and get help.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

And for the safety of your kids. Like you even mentioned that. And he's like, Nope, that's not what my counselor said. My counselor said, we can deal with this after the divorce is done. I just need to hurry up and get it. No, and then you even confront him about Mariah, the RV girl, and he's like, No, Mariah, who's that? I went on like one date with her and we texted a little. That was it. Very downplayed of everything he told me.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

He never wanted to talk about his stuff.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

No, yeah, not at all. He even at the end, because you wouldn't believe that it was rape, you were like, I don't know. I just don't know how to feel about this at this point. You guys do need to go and have a mediator. And he turns it on you and he's like, Counselor said it was rape, textbook rape. Yep, you said no. She said this would happen. And the counselor said this would happen and starts fucking blaming you. And what makes me the most angry about this whole ordeal, even now I'm still like, fuck you forever to him, is because you had been sexually assaulted. It had actually happened to you. How fucking dare somebody call someone that's actually been sexually abused? And he knew some of that because he knew about the incident later in your life when you were married to Rudy, for sure. But like I said, I think they have a sixth sick sixth sense about this and can sense that on people.

SPEAKER_01 41:26

He was the first person since all of that for me. I told you even in episode 19 about me becoming assertive. And I was al I was still on that path of being assertive. And I definitely remember feeling and thinking to myself, I will not, will not let no man, no offense to all the men. I'm not saying they're men, all men are bad, but I will not have no man tell me how I'm feeling or how I should be feeling or how I should take things. And the fact that he was trying to do that to me just made me cringe so much. And I was like, I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

Yeah. And even in that recording, that's when he brought up the book. It was like, I think she has a disorder. I think it's borderline personality disorder. I'm like, this motherfucker saw that book all my nights. It was about you anyway. Yeah. I digress. By the way, I did go to a lawyer. I was, I told him everything that happened. I was like, he lies with a straight face. I think he believes his own lies too. I do believe he thinks that because he makes his own narrative. So the lawyer goes, it just depends on what the judge believes. If he can make that judge feel sorry for him and actually believe him, then it is a risk. And you could potentially have this be an issue with your kids. It scared me so much. I was so fucking terrified. Within a couple days of this happening and me contesting the divorce, he texts me and he's like, All right, well, since you want to contest it, I can't afford to live here and pay the rent at the RV spot anymore. So I'm moving in with you and I'm gonna park my RV in the back and we're gonna live together until I can afford to move out. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? So he literally comes to my house. I record, because at this point, after that, and after hearing the recording that you had, which just broke me down more, I just couldn't believe the lengths that he was going to. He shows up, he calls the fucking cops, cops come out. Obviously, you know where I'm at with the cops situation because I have not had any of that fare out well for me. Unbeknownst to my ex, when I found out he was doing this, I went down to that commander who was running that wounded warrior unit, and I confronted them and I was sobbing, crying. So, like me going in there as this woman saying that my ex is accusing me of rape and being told by their military counselors that I raped him. I want to know what's going on because we're in the middle of a custody agreement. And oh, by the way, he's also living two miles away from a woman that he's in a relationship with who's also in the military, and I don't want him fucking up my life anymore. I don't want to say that the commander laughed in my face, not at me, but at the whole scenario. He had to clarify, he's like, I'm sorry, are you telling me that you you forced yourself upon him? Like, make that make sense. Cause at first I think they thought I was saying he did something to me. And I'm like, oh no, no, no. No, no, no. He's accusing this. I told him everything. I'm like, he's threatened suicide. He's held guns in his hand while he's done it. I just want to be safe. I want my kids to be safe. I don't know what to do. I need him to stop trying to fuck with me. And they said, All right, we'll make sure that happens. They gave me their personal numbers, both lead chains of command, the leaders, and I left with their names and their phone numbers. So he pulls up, tries to move in. He has siblings that are police officers. So he fucking thinks he knows the law. He's got them on the phone trying to tell me, no, legally, he's allowed to live there because he doesn't live anywhere else. I stayed so calm, but internally I was so fucking scared that he was going to end up back in my house. And especially with this, because I'm like, Yeah, I'm gonna end up going to jail or some shit. So I tell him in front of X, I was like, I went down and spoke to his chain of command today about the scenario. He's made false allegations against me. He's like, No, you didn't. And I said, Yes, I did. And he's like, Oh yeah, what's my commander's name? And I'm like, Commander Smith. That wasn't his name, but and he his fucking jaw dropped. Just like in counseling. Like, call my bluff. Call this bluff, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, Yes, I spoke to him, and you're supposed to stay away from me. I pulled the police officer to the side. I think it helped that I was so calm and I was honest. I'm like, he's made accusations that I sexually assaulted him. I cannot have him in my home. We're literally in a divorce. The cop was super understanding, goes to talk to X. Ex is acting belligerent, pissed off, fucking throwing around his siblings or cops and all this bullshit. So the fucking officer writes him a no trespassing and tells him to leave and he can't come back on the property. And I was like, thank fucking God, finally. Finally, something goes my way, right? Well, then I go inside, I get a call, and I'm talking like 10:30 at night. I get a call. It's the it's the officer, and he's like, I'm really sorry, but I have to tell you that that technically is null and void. And I couldn't remember exactly why, but he was allowed to move back in. He's like, But I'm gonna do you the favor and not call him tonight. I'll let you sleep, and then tomorrow I'll call him. And in the meantime, you should call his chain of command. And I was like, done. So I called the chain of command, told him what happened, and they were like, We'll take care of it. And so he did not try to move back in with me again. I think it's very telling that most sexual assault victims are not gonna put themselves back in a place where they would be sexually assaulted potentially again. Again. So that less that was a really hard lesson for me. But it wasn't enough for me to not allow this motherfucker to hoover me back in, and that didn't stop. Even that didn't stop it. I do want to take this moment though to thank two people in that. First, the officer, because in my experience, especially with seeing domestic violence, people get killed all the time in those situations. And this police officer, though it wasn't quote by the book, and I don't know if he got in trouble for this or not, I pray to God that he did not. If he fucking stumbles upon this by chance, thank you. I want to thank you so much because I know that something really bad, horrible would have happened and maybe it would have changed the outcome of me having my children because I couldn't imagine having to be in a home with him at that moment. Secondly, I want to thank the chain of command at his unit. So often, the military men that I've known have been like, I can't talk about my mental health issues. I'll get kicked out of the military. That is not true. Unfortunately, my ex abused the resources that the military had. He used them as a way to manipulate me. I in full transparency, I don't even know if you ever fucking saw a counselor. He told me a counselor said something. He told you a counselor said something. I never saw any paperwork, and I don't know a counselor that would ever tell somebody, hey, don't report a sexual assault in the middle of a divorce because then it'll throw the divorce off track. That doesn't make any sense. But whatever, I finally get my results and I find out I have breast cancer. I I'm unbreakable, but I definitely shatter and then pick the pieces up and put them back together. And that was the time I fucking shattered. I couldn't fight both battles. I couldn't fight him and I couldn't fight this. And I was just like, I have to focus on the cancer journey. And if he wants to say I raped him, fine. And if he wants to say I did these things, I guess I'll just have to deal with it in court. Like that's where I was at in my brain. All of a sudden, he wants to be warm again. And mind you, he had just accused me of sexual assault, but I didn't have it in me to be angry anymore. I I was at the point where I was numb. I felt nothing.

SPEAKER_01 48:37

I I went from And it almost goes back to your feelings of that you went to be a doormat. To me, it's almost the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 48:46

And and now maybe I had my own cycle, you know, but I felt so numb and I've entered that cancer tunnel and he finally came to my house one day crying the week of my surgery, begged, begged on his knees, crying, begged. And I've never he never had done that. That was kind of new for me to be honest. The crying part, yes, but was like, please just let me be there for you. I still love you and I still want to be there for you in your time of need.

SPEAKER_01 49:11

The friend for me, it was like I call bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 49:14

Yeah. And you not just you, please everybody around you. Yes, anyone that was there that day, he was getting side-eyed so fucking hard the day of my mastectomy and straight up shots fired. So you end up letting him. I did the day of. And that is all in Frankitties, go listen to that. But yeah, I did. I ended up giving in. I just, I'm telling you, I didn't have the fight in me. Like I was so fucking numb. Wasn't even scared of the surgery, wasn't scared of any of it. I had been so up and down on this fucking roller coaster for months and months since before the divorce for seven years prior to that. That I just I think I almost rebooted, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 49:48

Yeah, no, I mean I do understand that to some extent, because just from the outside looking in it, you were working 12 hour days, you were taking care of children on your days off.

SPEAKER_00 49:59

I was going through a cancer diagnosis. Yeah, it was just too much. You your brain can only handle so much, your body can only handle so much, and so But I still thought you're being silly.

SPEAKER_01 50:07

Yeah. Making these decisions.

SPEAKER_00 50:09

No, for sure. Yeah. Again, I don't know what was wrong with me, but I was still trying to do this whole like dating thing. This was right around breast cancer awareness month that I was diagnosed. And I was talking to this guy and we did meet on a dating app, but we were just gonna go on a date. It hadn't really turned into anything at all. And again, he's dating Mariah, our V girl for sure. I start catching wind that he's dating some women within the community because my sister works at a bar and she knew that a couple other people that were he was dating. Ex liked to put people in my face whenever he was dating them. There was like a triangulation aspect, like, look, I'm wanted. Women want me to make me jealous. And it worked somewhat. This guy, I he was just really kind. He listened to me. I, you know, met him a couple of times. We messed around just a little bit, nothing crazy. But my ex was lexing me the whole night that I was with him to the point where I ended up leaving like very early because my ex was talking self-harm again. And I'm just like, Jesus. But I kept thinking, what am I gonna tell my children if their dad kills himself? I've I've had people that were suicidal in my life. That is not a light thing for me. I in no way would ever just be like, oh, he threatened to kill himself. But in this scenario, I had been told this more times than I can count, usually when I was not doing something that he wanted. But at the end of it, I always was like, but what if he does this and then my kids don't have a dad? So I leave very abruptly. This guy could clearly see I was a fucking red flag. There was something going on. So that quickly shut fizzled out, shut out. Yeah. But even in that scenario, he wanted me to tell him about this guy. He wanted me to have my underwear, all these fucking things again. And I I couldn't, I couldn't cut him off. But like I I was at that point where I started feeling the love just slipping away little by little. Like I wasn't as in love with him.

SPEAKER_01 51:58

I'm sure people that have been in the same exact scenario could totally relate to you. But the fact that you were even giving him the time and day to be to influence you to leave a date or like to me, it just blows my mind.

SPEAKER_00 52:14

That goes back to the addiction portion of it.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:17

So you have to look at me as my brain chemistry is working as an addict. So I'm allowing him to pick me up, which is hoovering, sucking you in like a vacuum. Think of that, hoovering me in by being nice for a brief period, a little bit of love bombing thrown in there. I want to change, I love you, blah, blah, blah. Or it might be manipulation, I'm gonna hurt myself, whatever. And then discarding me once he has played, you know, played his game. And so then he gets rid of me. But it was much more frequent. The cycle was becoming more rapid and it was happening all the time. And I was just continuing the cycle, the cycle, the cycle. I'm super fucking sad. I'm depressed, I'm dealing with this cancer diagnosis. I had my breast cut off at 32, single.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

Still trying to work with him. And during all that time, did you have people to support you?

SPEAKER_00 53:03

So I did have my two aunts that helped me quite a bit. I told you I cut ties with my parents. And at that time when I was diagnosed, I was not ready to make up with them just because, just out of convenience. I knew that I was volatile and I didn't want to do it when I was weak. I wanted to do it when I was ready to make amends and when I felt strong, I guess. And so I had my aunts help me. You obviously helped me tremendously. I'm honestly shocked you're fucking sitting across from me at this point because the amount of times you had to hear me crying about this fucking clown.

SPEAKER_01 53:34

Oh, we talked almost daily. We did because hours. Yes. And you're an emotional support person. Yeah, like we talked several times a day.

SPEAKER_00 53:43

But for him, he had trouble getting people to help him with the kids. I had solid people. So he's like randomly hiring babysitters from here there. We had him in daycare for just a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 53:52

There was even times when he asked Rudy and I to help with And you guys would because you were there for the kids.

SPEAKER_00 53:58

So at one point, he asked a girl from the daycare that they were in, hey, you know, we were taking him out of daycare, but could you come and watch him just like on the side? And then we had this favorite coffee spot that we went to. It was drive-thru. He told me one day, like, Oh, I have the coffee shop girl. She was telling me how cute the kids were and she's gonna watch the kids. And I'm like, Okay, how old is she? Because all those girls look like they're fucking tweens, you know, like 13 and a half. Most of them did at that time anyway. And he's like, Oh, she's 19 and she's in college, she needs to make some extra money. I'm like, Okay, that's fine. And he was also using a girl from somewhere that he worked at. I knew there was a lot of romantic shit happening or him trying to have multiple relationships. And in the midst of all of these things, I just had a lot of questions and I was doing all this research. I needed to know, I think deep down it was like freeing because the more lies I found, the less I loved him, and it was like feeding that.

SPEAKER_01 54:53

And you can almost pair it with the things that you were learning about the narcissist traits and stuff. Right. And during this time with getting the babysitter, the divorce is still pending on.

SPEAKER_00 55:03

So he's getting babysitters and the divorce started in August, and it takes 90 days, right? Okay. Because ultimately I did not get another lawyer when the cancer situation came. I just like, fuck it, we're just gonna roll with amicable. 50-50, awesome, because realistically, I was the one that took care of the kids 90% of the time.

SPEAKER_01 55:20

He went ahead and agreed about the whole house thing and all of the things that you had demanded prior.

SPEAKER_00 55:25

Yeah, because I refused to sign the papers till it was changed. And he wanted a divorce. And so I think he's in a relationship with the RV girl Mariah, but like neither here nor there. Mind you, I have children with this person, right? His family, none of them reached out, none of them asked about my cancer, none of them did anything to try and like say, Hey, we're gonna remain neutral for the kids, none of that. Everything that he told them, hook, line, and sinker, I assume they believed. And again, the apple didn't fall far from the tree there. So November, the divorce is finalized.

SPEAKER_01 55:56

You guys still kind of hung out from time to time with the kids or yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:59

So we would occasionally hang out again.

SPEAKER_01 56:02

I was it just to keep the normalcy for the kids, like dinner, going to the meetup.

SPEAKER_00 56:07

Yeah, someone there were things happening that were making me question things again. Like we would go hang out, and then we go like grab coffee from our coffee place. And there's this one time we were there, the the kids said hi to one of the girls, and again, she looked very, very young. And I'm just like, How do they know her? And there was another girl there, and she we were all in the car together. Ex, me, and the kids. The girl that was talking to me kind of had a lisp like that. And I'm not making fun of somebody's like speech impediment. I was just getting side-eyed by her.

SPEAKER_01 56:38

She was acting really snarky and just like Was this just this one time or every time it came through?

SPEAKER_00 56:43

I'd go by myself, I'd get side-eyed by this girl and the other girl that was like a very young looking, they both looked young, but right. Um, the one that he had babysit. That was the first time we were together. So we pull up after I get the coffee, and I'm like, why am I getting fucking attitude while I'm getting coffee? I don't understand. And he's like, Well, who did that? What are you talking about? I'm like, the girl with with the lisp, like she was the one that was giving me attitude. And we would we had already pulled out, right? So fast forward, I'm going to work one day. I stopped to get a coffee because I work night shifts, and the girl with the lisp was there, and she goes to hand me my coffee, and she's like, Amelia. And I'm like, what? She goes, My name's Amelia. And I'm like, Okay, she goes, I'm not the girl with the lisp. I'm Amelia. And I draw on the ground, I'm a fucking girl's girl. And so, you know what I do? I say, you know what? I am so sorry. I should never have said that. And I I'm so sorry to disrespect you. You're a beautiful young woman. I apologize. And then I leave. But then I'm like, did she hear me? How could she know that?

SPEAKER_01 57:51

Like I'm like brain starts to turn.

SPEAKER_00 57:53

Yeah, because I remember the conversation and we were already pulling out. So I'm like, how the fuck did she know that I said that she had a list? So December comes around and we're going into January now, and all of a sudden, X is telling me, Oh, Mariah, the RV girl, went into my RV and she took some stuff. I'm sorry. My fucking kids live in this RV, right? So, like, with him, it was always these constant issues with women. They're crazy. And he was even having that while he was dating. And I'm like, can you just keep my kids out of that? Don't have them meeting people, don't have them around when you're fucking having girls over and shit. I wasn't doing any of that. That was separate, completely separate, and stayed separate literally until I met Drew. I remember that pissed me off because I'm like, hell no, you're not gonna go into my fucking kids' house, their space, and just take shit. So I'm like, why is she just going into your place? And he's like, Well, she's mad because we're not together. So I drive down there. I'm like, I'm coming to get the kids right now because it happened that day. And I'm like, why haven't you called the cops? And he's like, Well, I mean, technically, it's not my RV. Plot twist, bitch. Mariah, the RV girl, she bought him a fucking RV. It was in her name and he was living in it and dating all these other girls.

SPEAKER_01 59:08

About the massive manipulation to be able to get some random within weeks just met purchase you an RV.

SPEAKER_00 59:16

Now, in fairness, I don't technically know that she bought it either. Maybe she owned it already and let him use it, but it was very nice. It was a nice RV. And I'm like, holy shit. But still, like, talk about dick batized, you know? I had been intimate with him in that RV. I know for a fact there were two or three other women that had been intimate with him in that R. So like he's just fucking whoever he wants. One day I was over there visiting the kids and she came, Mariah came and was giving me all this attitude. And I'm like, the fuck is your issue? I I see the issue now. She owned the fucking RV. So I was in her house. She wasn't trespassing at all. She was just going into her property. But it like just another layer, right? And I'm, I can't even say I was shocked. I'm still giving him time to do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:00

Well, the fact that you even still have any belief in him at all in any of the stories he tells you, it again blows my mind. But I get it. I get it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:09

Do you? Because I don't. I don't get it. I mean, I don't get it, but I look back and I wonder who the fuck this bitch was. So he has nowhere to go. Sound familiar? I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to live. What am I gonna do? I'm like, you need to fucking return this RV. My kids are not staying here. And I say, you can stay with me for three weeks. Yes, I know. You can all judge. I get it. Really do. I there's nothing you're gonna think that I'm gonna be offended by because I have beat myself up for this for so long. But when you are in an abusive scenario and you are caught in that cycle, it is literally like a crackhead getting a fucking hit.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:45

Just so you know, she did have friends telling her they didn't think this was a good idea. I did. And I had dropped the friends that were completely on his side, which was a good sign that you still kept me around because I'm sure I was probably a broken record. Like, I don't think this is a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:01

You were gonna be disappointed in me. Yeah, I would shy away from telling you shit because I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Sarah's gonna give me a lecture. She's gonna be very disappointed. And so I wouldn't want to tell you things. I would dread it, but I also needed that voice.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:15

You would tell me after the fact it already happened. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I did. And I would be like, oh my gosh, Crystal. I did.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:23

So January, he moves back in, right? I gave him a month, three weeks to a month. We're actually divorced now. I'm dating, he's dating, he's all warm again, he's wanting to be intimate again. I'm like, nah, man, we're not doing that. Like, I really didn't want to do that at that point. And so he had told me that the coffee girl who babysat, she's 19, the one that didn't have the list, but the one that looked really young. I'm gonna just call her Baby Spice. Baby Spice and him, they had been together for New Year's Eve. And I'm like, Baby Spice looks very young. Like, I don't want you getting charges. We have kids. That's a real bad look. And he's like, no, she goes to this college, specifically names it, tells me she's 19, she just looks really young. At this point, both of us are about 32 years old. And uh I'm just like, okay, well, I went and had a date. And so the next day he was upset, and he's like showing Baby Spice's picture to me, a naked picture, and it was a Snapchat. He he's like, Does this look like a little girl? It's weird because it still did make jealousy happen. We're living separate lives and I was slowly stepping back. And then I actually remember one night I was thinking about being intimate and then I changed my mind. And he was drunk, and I'm like, I'm not sleeping with you. I wasn't having it. And this was one of the few times I did actually pull out a fucking video because I had so many experiences with him at this point of lying and manipulating and all that. And in the meantime, he's like texting and he's phone, his phone's ringing, but he's not answering it. I think I even like answered his phone when he was laying on the ground because it fell and it kept ringing, but there was no name. And I was like, hello, hello, and they didn't say anything. And so I was just like, fuck it, whatever. But I knew it was a woman. Like I knew whoever was calling was a woman. He's just like, You you offered me to sleep in your bed. I had changed my mind. Like I realized I didn't want to open that box up again. So I pull out my phone and I'm like, You're drunk. I'm recording you like you're drunk. He gives me the middle thing. He's like, fuck you. And I was like, then just go to bed. You don't have to leave, just go to bed. And he's like, which bed? And I said, the couch. Go to sleep on the couch. And he goes, That's not the bed you offered me. I'm like, no. So he goes out to his car and I don't want him to drive. And then he texts me, I want to kill myself. I need you to call somebody. And I'm like, fuck, here we go again. So I go outside, I open the car door. All of this because we spent New Year's Eve with other people. And this is what it leads to. And so I'm like, can you please just come inside? He's like, not unless I can sleep in your bed. And I'm like, I don't want you sleeping in my fucking bed. Let's just go in the house. I finally talk him into turning the car off and going to bed. And a couple weeks go by. Again, he was sleeping in another room. We for that time that he was living there for that three weeks to a month. He kept telling me I haven't been with anybody else. I don't want to be with anybody but you. I'm getting love bombed again. He's bringing me flowers. He's telling me all this nice shit. And so I'm like, fuck, man, this is true. And while he's asleep one night, I'm like, fuck it. I open his phone up and he has been texting all these women while he's in my house. One of them was a previous coworker that he's trying to hook up with. He's talking sexually to all these women and just lied to my face again. And I'm I'm to the point where I'm like, this is fucking nuts. But I got upset with him and I freaked out, but then I I stopped, like I pulled back. And I'm like, we just need to not be intimate. We we just need to try to be friends because that's the only way this is gonna work. So he's like, okay, so we go to a party that we're invited to. Again, we ran in the same circles with that guy that I had told you I ended up telling him later. He was there at this party, and X and I were there together. Well, as the night progresses, X goes out of his way to talk to that guy. Wow. Goes out of his way and is being nice and all that. Cause I saw him and I got anxious. I was like, fuck. Like, but he was like, no, it's fine. Like everything's fine. So we're talking, we're hanging out, everyone is having a fun time, all of us. And then he got mad at me at a bar and leaves and goes get the truck. Well, I run after him. I get in the truck and he starts slut shaming me and telling me, well, you wanted to be all buddy buddy with that guy that you fucked. Completely changes it. Not that he had wanted me to do that and coached me through it, and once again told me that our relationship might work if I do this one thing. No, none of that. It was you're being a slut. Why don't you just go fuck him again?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:43

Well, at any point in this moment, because you just saying that out loud, did you ever reference any of his past exes? Like, oh my gosh, like this sounds so familiar.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:53

I think that I was starting to connect dots, but it wasn't until later. Later. That love and that addiction was so blind. It really was. The rose colored glasses still still hadn't fallen off hill, still hadn't been ripped off my face yet, which is insane. I know. I know it's crazy. I get it. But I was like, fuck you. I know a lot of people in this city. And I got out. I walked back to where we were at. And I one of my close friends worked at that bar, and I was like, I want to stay the night with you. Well, that guy, he's like, what happened? X got pissed off and just left. And I told him the truth. I was like, I'm gonna be honest with you. That one time we hooked up. He was wanting me to do that. I'm sorry. Like it felt, it felt wrong. And he was super understanding. He didn't give a shit. He got laid. Like he really told dude, total fucking guy about it. So thank, thank you for not making it a big deal. But I'm somehow still the bad guy in this scenario. He's blowing me up all night. Like, where are you? What are you doing? So after that, I I truly just wanted him out of my house. This wasn't working. He moved out, got a townhouse type thing in the same town this time. We went back to the 50-50, the decree. And for a couple months, I was holding out pretty strong. But again, there was a lot of hot and cold, and he was wanting to be with me. And I think we were intimate a couple more times through those few months, but then it went back into cold. It was very limited. I think there was only a couple more times, to be honest. And I was still trying to date, which again, I had no fucking business doing at all. I was in no way equipped to try and date. I said in the beginning of the first one, this is a cautionary tale. I truly mean that. Do not live your life like this. For the love of God, anyone that's listening, even if you're judging me, that's fine. Just don't let your fucking kids go through this. Warn them about relationships like this. There really hadn't been a lot of blowup since that January when I kicked him out. There was minimal issue after that. And mostly just him trying to push back in, saying, I miss my family. I want to come back. I love you. But once he was out, I knew I'm not letting you back into my house. I'm not. I think it's April at this point. I go out on the town in the local area, just bar hopping and whatnot. And I went out with my aunt. And he's messaging me and asking me what I'm doing. And at this point, we're kind of cordial. He's like, Well, what do you think about me coming out? And I'm like, no, I think that's a bad idea. And I told him that, especially after hot that shit had happened. I was finally trying to learn from my lessons a little bit. And he kept pushing it. Like, I can't tell you not to come out, but I don't think you should come out and hang out with us. Well, he still chose up at the bar that we're at. And guess who's fucking there that night? It is the dude that I first tried to date. Again, he goes out of his way to talk to him, knowing who he is. And they had a mutual friend that side note that guy. He was also X's quote best friend. And uh he actually ended up having to be run out of town because he was roofing his fucking employees, and then he was videoing what they did while they were drugged, and then he was blackmailing what that we'll call him fucking Jeremiah was a bullfrog, because but that's the kind of person that he was. And he was also a big component of validating all of X's poor decisions. They fed off of each other with that, both of them. So we're out with them, we're having fun, we're having a good night all night. And then he comes up and he starts slut shaming me in front of my aunt, telling me, Oh, yeah, we're just fucking taking shots with your ex-boyfriend. And I'm like, we were not even in a fucking relationship. You and I still technically weren't divorced at that point. You know, you I was your mistress, remember? He just would not stop. And he was telling me, You're just like your family, you're an alcoholic, you're a piece of shit in front of my aunt. My aunt's just like, oh fuck. Like I said, I can I I can be mean as fuck. And I was like, bullshit. I said, he wasn't my boyfriend. And after I was with him, we didn't even have sex. You wanted me to tell you exactly what happened and bring my panties over to you and shit. And you wanted to hear all about me being with somebody else. And he got so fucking angry. And he was just like, fuck you, you're a fucking bitch. He was in my face. He called me every name you could think of. And then he walks out. He's like making a scene in the bar in front of my aunt. So I'm like following him, like, fuck you. And then he tries to leave. And I try to like get into his truck. Cause again, that I'm volatile, I'm losing my shit. And those types of things just set me off. My aunt grabs me and I'm just like embarrassed, humiliated, crying. And I should have gone home. But instead, he's texting me and I end up going to his house. And he starts by berating me further, telling me I'm wrong. How dare I bring that up? That's not what happened. I'm I'm the problem. I'm the slut. I'm all of this. And I'm just sitting there taking it. He also threatened to call the cops on me again. And I'm like, I didn't even do anything. Like, what are you gonna call the cops on me for? You know? And then all of a sudden he's like, Well, if you want to make it up to me, like come up to my bedroom. Stupid fucking me. I go to his bedroom and we start messing around. And he starts talking to me about how you would love to have a threesome with women, and specifically brings up Baby Spice. And I I'm like, she literally looks like a 13-year-old. I am not doing that. I don't understand why you keep bringing this up. And he brought up another girl as well that he was dating. And I'm just like, this is too much. I can't. I don't, this is not my thing. I've told you no. He's like, fine, then get the fuck out. And he pushed me off of him. And I stood up and I just lose it again. I'm just like screaming at him. And I'm like, fuck this. He's like, get the fuck out of my house. I'm about to call the cops on you. Get the fuck out. I don't want you here. You're trespassing. And so I'm like, fine. And he, I'm yelling back though, and he grabs me and he starts shoving me out of the bedroom. And then it dawns on me, my purse is still in there and it has the keys in it. So I fucking push back on the door and I go in and I snatch my purse. And then as I'm grabbing it, he's like, get the fuck out of my room. And he grabs my arms very, very tightly. I'm like, let go of me, stop. And he my feet are dragging. He's like shoving me out of his bedroom. And then he picks me up in the air and throws me as far as he can into the hallway. And I land on my arm and my leg. And my arm was in a lot of pain. And I'm just like crying on the ground. My internal voice is telling me all the things everyone's thinking when they're listening to this, like you should have never gone there. You're a fucking idiot. You're stupid. That is the voice that's in my head all the time. I didn't think I deserved any better than what was happening to me. I really thought that this was my fault. And then I continued to allow this to happen to me. And he stood over me and he looked down at me and he's like, ha. Ha. It was it was almost like a movie character laughing over me. And he was saying ha psycho. Saying it. And then he's like, I showed you just like your whole fucking family. This is what it feels like when somebody finally puts one of you in your place. I didn't get afraid very often, but I was I was afraid in that moment. And I tucked my tail between my legs and he was like, I'm fucking calling the cops. I just left.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:45

Did you have any injuries?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:47

I mean, yeah. So my arm was really hurt. My leg was hurt, but I it was red. It was just red, but moving it hurt. My arm especially. And I went home and the cops called. So I answer, and they're like, We got a call about a domestic dispute. Are you okay? Did anything happen to you? And once again, I just said, No, I'm fine. Oh my goodness. Yeah. And I don't recommend anyone to do that. I think if somebody hurts you, you should tell them. Even if you think you deserve it, you should tell them.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:16

So did they just drop it when you said no everything?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:18

Yeah, that was it. And I even went back and found the report because even that situation was told to me in a different light. The next morning I woke up and I just messaged him, once again, I'm apologizing. I I'm sorry. I'm sorry I went over there. I'm sorry. But then I also said, My arm is really hurt today. And he basically told me I deserved that. And that was on me. And I should be humiliated by the way that I acted. Even that guy that I dated briefly, and Jeremiah was a bullfrog, were disgusted in my behavior. Those were literally the words he used, disgusted in my behavior. And I'm beating my head because I wasn't drunk. I drank a little bit, but I remember all of this very clearly. How what it what what were they disgusted by? What did I do at the bar? Like they didn't even see the altercation. They weren't there at that time. It was just me.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:04

No, he told his version.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:05

Right. Well, again, I'm like, still, after all the shit he's done, after the lies, after the accusation, still believing what he's telling you. But I think I knew deep down. And so I reached out to both of them via Facebook messenger because I didn't have I don't think I had that guy's number anymore. And I was just like, hey, I'm really sorry if I acted out of line last night. Jeremiah Bull was a bullforg, didn't respond at all. And the guy that I briefly dated was like, What do you mean? Like, we had a great time. You were great. Like everything was fine. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And so I went to work that night. I had to work a shift and I took pictures of my bruise on my arm and my leg actually. I didn't realize I was bruised until I was at work and I was doing something and I looked down because it was hurting me a lot. And I kept like looking at it, and I finally saw that I had bruising on my arm where he grabbed me and then my knee where he hit my hit the ground. I don't know why I took pictures, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:55

I mean, I'm glad you did, but my jaw is just on the floor because I feel like he's a dangerous person. I truly think he's a dangerous person. And listening to this scenario, he could have really done serious damage in the sense of the legal system, because he could have painted a picture with all the text messages of you saying, I'm sorry, da da da. He could have ran with that and said, Look, she came here, she did this, and he could have created all of this, and then you just even saying I'm sorry, could have painted an entire picture for somebody on the outside, aka a cop, to be like, She's the perpetrator, she's the one that keeps doing this. The the danger of this, it blows my mind of how much damage he could have really done to you between the rape accusations and then even entertaining him in a friendly way.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:52

I a million percent agree with you. And I wish that I had the strength to have seen that at that time. I wish that I'd had the clarity to have seen that at that time. It's not easy to admit all of this. The idea that I ever thought that I deserved all of this because I kept putting myself in these situations, and that people on the outside would say that. They'd be like, Well, why do you keep doing that? I wish I didn't. I wish I hadn't. I wish I didn't do any of that. But all I can do now, and this is years later, with clarity, with education, with understanding what this abuse like looked like, with understanding what this type of person with narcissistic traits looks like. Now, I would never ever fucking do it. Again, I am not that person anymore.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:33

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:33

I don't know who the fuck that was. And it makes me sad that I was ever that person, but I hope that somebody who might be in that position can hear this and maybe fucking get out and maybe realize it's not them and they're not the problem and they're being gaslight and they're living in a false place. And I was apologizing because that part of me is still me. I don't want to ever hurt anybody, and I never hurt people intentionally. Most of the time, if I am hurtful, I'm on I'm being honest. And a lot of people that are liars or manipulators, the truth hurts them more than anything because it makes them look bad. And that is what I've learned through this experience.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:08

That's the secret weapon to being able to kind of end or get them to get away from you is by being transparent with anybody and everybody that I agree. I do want to just make a statement too. Just think about that. How much damage somebody with these narcissistic traits can do to somebody's reputation or in a custody battle that the constant drawback, how much damage it can do to somebody's livelihood.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:34

I was lucky that I got out without that happening. It really was. Yes. And so the next day I was with my local Sarah, Bestie, not you, but the other one, and you know her and love her, and we've known each other for over 20 years now.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:53

Yes, another ray of sunshine.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:55

I was telling her everything that happened that night. I'm just venting to her and I'm trying to put together the pieces because I'm confused as to why he's bringing up threesomes and why he's wanting to be intimate and then physical the next minute. And I brought up Baby Spice, and I'm just like, I keep springing her up and saying he wants to do this with her. And she babysat my kids before. She works at the coffee shop that we always go to. And she's like, wait a minute, does she look like this? And I'm like, yeah. And I was describing her, and she had recently gotten like a new tattoo. And she's like, She just got that tattoo a few weeks ago because it was her 18th birthday. And I'm like, What? That's when the fucking false reality I lived in came crashing down because I started doing the math and I realized, holy shit, back in January when he showed me a photo of this girl, she was a 17-year-old. If you or someone you know needs resources for domestic violence, abuse cycles, or suicidal prevention, please visit our website blog at www.plotwiststillalive.com for national resources and information. Domestic violence is never okay. Please tune in next week for the final chapter of X The Awakening.