TRANSVERSING THE MANOSPHERE...

Welcome back to the pod. I’m Mike Dreyden Figueroa and this Unscripted and Unrehearsed, where I share my take on events of the day, things that I’ve seen, heard and experienced.

Reviewing the week. Plogging Trend, joggers picking up trash. Target Boycott in the News... The Young Turks interview.  Open AI drops SORA, It’s about fuckin time! Cell signal between NYC subway stations!
    * G line btwn Bedford/Nostrand Bklyn and Court Square Qns.
    * 4/5 line btwn Joralemon Street tunnel and Borough Hall Bklyn and Bowling Green Manhattan.
    * L line btwn Bedford Avenue Bklyn and First Avenue Manhattan.
    * 42nd Street Shuttle btwn Times Square and Grand Central Station.
    * Coming Soon:
        * 4/5/6 line btwn 59th Street and 125th Street
        * along the A/C line in sections.

TOPIC 1: What is The Manosphere?
TOPIC 2: Misogyny on full display.
TOPIC 3: Am I toxic in my masculinity?

NOW YOU TELL ME: Did you watched The Manosphere? What did you think? Do you even care… No judgements.

UNTIL NEXT TIME:
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Definitely borderline manosphere with a little bit of clutter. What's up everybody? Welcome back to the pod. I'm Mike Draden Figueroa. And this is unscripted and unrehearsed, where I give you my thoughts on the things that I've experienced, seen, heard, witnessed. Is that the same as seeing? Yeah, well, seeing and witnessing are two different things, I think. Listen, uh, I I don't think it's a joke. It is very serious. Uh, it's very scary to some extent. Um, it's worth taking note. Um, and I have my own trauma around growing up, around the manosphere, I suppose. Um, and without knowing much about what the documentary was about, except for uh an ad that I think I saw on a Netflix show I was watching, there was an ad for it. I said, okay, maybe I should check this out. Uh, this documentary, The Manosphere, um, might be interesting, get to understand the psyche. And I'm thinking, okay, I have my own trauma and stuff like that, dealing with bullies, and and I'll talk more about that later. Uh, but also as an actor, like, where are where is that person inside me? Um if I had to play someone who was like that, where is that person inside me? Um so and I also expected uh to see like maybe an interview with um Andrew Tate and uh Mark Fuentes or whatever his name is, I don't care. Uh just to just to get an idea more, because I've seen I've I've heard them on other podcasts I listen to just to get an understanding of this mindset. Um but they're not spoiler alert, if you're gonna watch their reference, you see them, but they're not interviewed at all. But what I did notice, and what a lot of these guys have in common that weren't part of this documentary, is that aside from their their point of view, they're all very young, uneducated in the ways of the world, and uh they feed off each other. And I have some thoughts. But first, there's this okay, I was listening to the news the other morning, and you know, first of all, I'm very annoyed. There's there's all this construction work on the block today, and I don't understand. It's fucking Sunday. Why are you doing this now? So there's traffic, there's honking, there's noises. So I'm gonna hopefully you don't hear it. I'm gonna try and do some some sound mitigation or whatever. And my fucking radiator is making clanking noises, it's like spring. Anyway, I digress. On the news, uh, when I was uh walking max, I was listening to my favorite news station, 1010 wins. You're not paying me for that. Uh, there's this new trend called plogging, P-L-O-G-G-I-N-G. Basically, joggers are picking up trash while they jog. So, you know, I see guys and girls running around the neighborhood now that the weather's getting better instead of going to the gym to do their cardio. They're trick, they're running, they they're out and about in the neighborhood now. The gentrifiers are in full run mode. Um, so what they're doing is picking up trash, and it it originated in sp in Sweden, where you know, people were running and they see trash and it'd pick it up, and like okay, that's one thing. You see something on there, you're like, oh, okay, I'll be, I'll pick it up. I've done that myself sometimes. Like, oh, the trash can is there. How hard would it have been? You just you dropped it here, or maybe it came from somewhere else because of the wind. Who knows? Sometimes I've picked shit up. Um, someone, I'm guessing, member of the Roadrunners Club of New York or what have you, they were like, oh, let's organize something around plugging, where runners are now on their run picking up trash. That's not my job. That's not that's not their job. That's that's the the sanitation department's job. They get paid lots of money to pick up the trash. Lots of money. I know because my cousin used to work for the DSNY. I am not. This is free labor. This is this is I'm not gonna make a let hey gang, let's get to get a good running, pick up trash on the street. Half the time it's toxic waste. How many times have I over my lifetime have you know stuck in like what maybe it looks like a piece of paper is covering dog shit or it's no, do not touch the subject. These guys, they have mitts and and would they have protective gears sometimes. I'm not picking up fucking street trash in New York City. I'm not doing it. If I see a piece of paper on the floor there, I mean I've been known, I'm not doing doing this as an activity. That's free labor and my time is money. I'm not doing it. I think they get great benefits too if you work for the fucking sanitation department. Again, I digress. I'm not doing that. Um, so yeah, plogging, y'all. I think that's another gentrification activity because I mean what else do they have left to do? They've they've they've they've what's the word, appropriated so much already. So let's let's let's help the environment. You're not helping the environment because people get paid to do that. You want to take jobs away from? All right, I don't want to fall deeper into that because it's stupid. All right, the Target boycott. I gotta talk about this again because it is still in the news. Um, I have a link down below from the Young Turks. It was this great review uh interview about um uh what is actually happening and the numbers that are coming in. I forgot to write down the numbers, but in their latest report, Target uh, I think maybe last episode I mentioned it, they they released their numbers and how how they're below expectations and all this, and this new CEO is coming in, he's gonna revamp everything. It's not, and I said this before, this is you need to get it through your thick heads. It is not about the look and the aesthetic of the stores to regain and get people the traffic back in, it is what was done to the community at large, especially the people of color community who were shopping there and the people of color community who were selling their goods through your store. Because of the policies, the D the against DEI, which I honestly, because of the policies to pull that back and remove everything from there, or lowering things on the lower shelves. What did you think was gonna happen? What did you think was gonna happen? We're not going back. We're not going back. I am never shopping in a Target store again. I used to like to go to Target to get like my container of pretzels so I keep at work for Tanash, so this way I'm not pigging out all day. Uh, would have my snack and my coffee. You know, I would go and pick up coffee for the house and odds and ends, breath means I would share with my coworkers, odds and ends, things like that. You know, maybe uh summertime t-shirts, definitely some some util uh uh toiletries, like maybe mouthwash for the office, um eye drops, um maybe deodorant because I ran out, something quick, pop, pop up, run because I'm not gonna, by the time I get home, the store is gonna be closed. But the target is 24 hours over here, so why not do that? I'm not going back. I would much rather spend the money on ordering it online and not waiting for it to get to the house. People are not going back. And I hope somehow this message gets through to the people. You can redesign the stores and make it all flashy and convenient and offer all kinds of stuff, but the damage that was done cannot be reversed. And it's not just Target. People are boycotting other stores, they're refusing to go to the big box stores. I, for one, and I've talked to some people who are going local, they're going to their neighborhood stores. I'm switching all of my prescriptions to the neighborhood uh pharmacist instead of going to the CBS all the way downtown. I'm not doing it anymore. I love there's this woman there, I love her so much. Um uh shit, her name just flew out of my head. Um, it'll come to me. Uh, she always since I was been going there like in my early 20s, she remembers me. Antonia. I love her so much, but I'm gonna miss seeing her because I'm just not supporting supporting these chains anymore. Um, I'm going to the local supermarket, I'm not ordering anything online or through Amazon or I'm not going to Whole Foods. I'm not doing anyway, Whole Foods, you know, it's anyway. So yeah. The boycott stands, people are not going back, it's done. Target got hit right in the middle. All right. So uh, did you hear the news? Oh, well, this is huge too, I think. Um, because of the money that was invested in the people that were eyeing at. Um, open I open AI announced that they're dropping Sora. And I all I can say is it's about fucking time because although it was a great idea to help content creators to do stuff, I've seen some of these videos. And I don't know, and if you're not paying attention, I don't know if it's because I'm I work in film and I've done film, you know, on both sides of the the um genres. You know what I mean if you know, you know. Um what I see is like these situations unfolding where people are not really looking at each other and they're talking and these weird weird scenarios. It makes no sense what's happening. Um, especially like those those recent leaders, these um they're trying to, seems to me, um, recreate those um pet reunion reunification. Yes, she sleeps on the desk while I'm here. Yes, ma'am. What happened? She likes to be on the desk now lately, and she's laying all over my stuff. That's my coffee now. Sorry. So they're they're recreating these reunification videos where like the military are reunited with their dogs and all of that and lost dogs. So you can see that they're doing them in these um pounds, I guess. And how it's all ridiculously fake. Um, the stuff like they've done with you know the Obamas and with the uh uh other deep fakes of celebrities and other people in these sexually explicit um videos. You know, of course, someone somewhere was gonna try this nonsense. But I'm like, again, what did you think was gonna happen if you didn't put guardrails on these things? You have an opportunity, and also for people like me who are trying to break through into entertainment and get um get acting gigs. Stuff like this is a detriment to my opportunities, where they can create this character exactly what they want and how they look, and just program it to perform. And if it's done right, a real actor could be uh you know acting on a green screen, like they do for like, you know, House of the Dragon or all these other big films where they use a lot of green and blue screens and and uh animatronics and all that shit that are not that are drawn in later, again opposite someone that's not really there, and then they create this and it it's a little defeating, I guess. Um, and I don't want to go down that tangent, but it's it's the potential for it was good and bad, I think. Tony, please. Um bless you. I'm so sorry for you, you got to you got to choose. Um I spoiled them, I really did. Uh so they're drop they're dropping um they're dropping it. Uh there are many groups uh across all kinds of uh uh fields who were expressing their their dismay at at the use of uh the um of the platform and and what it could do. And um and even though they f they cracked down on a lot of the defakes, I think the damage is already done because it's out there from you know what they did with Michael Jackson and and uh uh Martin Luther King, um the the sexually explicit videos of I think it was uh that chick swinging, I forget her first name, um, or someone else. Um what was it they said? Um there was uh a quote, let me get my glasses for this, hold on. Um They said they share share more soon, coming soon, sharing more to those who use it, so you can save the content that you created. Okay. Um is it really worth saving though? I mean, if you're not gonna be able to use, I mean, well, you could probably use the M Pro, but you want you're not gonna be able to create anything more, so it's that. That's the case. Uh so this is okay, so I I don't know. All right. Where to begin? Because it's so there's so many, it's so frustrating and exciting at the same time. In New York City subways, since I think since 2017, we've had signaled down below ground, right? So you're on the platform waiting for the train, you can play a game, you can blah blah blah, be on the phone, all that bullshit. But once you get on this train and you're moving through stations, there's no reception. So, you know, some people try, some people, you know, and it's ridiculous. And it except for like the buses now, which I refuse to get on a bus, you can hear you can hear people having conversations, talking about shit that nobody else. I've I the last time I was on the bus a few times, I've heard one woman going on and on and on about her food stamps and getting, you know, cut off and you know, the the the scam that she was trying to pull to get get all that shit. Um, one person yelling with their kids, um, another, all kinds of cross-talking, and it sounds crazy. All these people are talking, but they're not talking to each other. They're on the phone, and it's it's you can't sit and quiet. So now there's been a project uh going so between stations, you know, it's quiet. You can't, you people normally don't have their listening to music or they're reading or whatever, there's no talking. Uh soins announced this week that um uh bull Bolden Networks, um, they're installing the infrastructure to have allow for connectivity through this the tunnels. So basically, this has been a uh like a 10-year project that started in 2022 and they're coming along. Uh, what's available now uh on the G line, which I grew up writing as a kid, between Bedford and Nostrum to uh Court Square, and that's in Queens in Brooklyn. Uh uh Bedford and Nostrian in Brooklyn to uh Court Square in Queens, you get reception. Um on the four and five line between Jerolloman Street in uh uh the Jerolloman Street tunnel between uh Borough Park in Brooklyn. I'm sorry, no, Borough Hall in Brooklyn to Bowling Green in Manhattan, Lower Manhattan. Um that was Tony jumping off the desk. Um, for those of you listening, uh Lower Manhattan, there's reception. The L line, which I grew up riding the most, between Bedford Avenue, which is the last stop in Brooklyn going into Manhattan and First Avenue, which is the first stop in Manhattan, first Avenue in Manhattan, uh, that whole tunnel, you get there's reception. Uh then there is uh 42nd Street shuttle between uh Times Square and Grand Central. There is now reception coming soon. The 4, 5, and 6 line from 59th Street to 125th Street and along the A and C line in some sections. That's the line I ride now. So this is great because sometimes I'm researching for like, you know, uh upcoming episodes, or I'm writing, or you know, I'm looking something up and then it stalls because there's no reception. Yeah, okay, that would be great to be able to continue working on doing something because I tend not to be on my phone on the subways because if you're distracted, a lot of shit goes down on the subway, good and bad. Um, it is not sometimes it is not a safe environment. You need to have your head on a swivel just to make sure. Um, but what I'm not looking forward to is Miss Thing over here arguing on the phone with her man because of some shit, or this one over there having you know a private conversation in public. I don't want to hear all that. I really don't. You know, sometimes people forget their inside voice and they don't give a shit and they're going on, and and even with the noise canceling canceling uh headphones, you still hear stuff and there's no break. There's no, and gone are the days, my friends, of you saying, Oh, I was stuck on the subway, I didn't get a signal. So there goes that argument. Or you can, I mean, I always say, listen, I'm not on my phone on the subway. So if that's when you when did you send it? I was on the subway. I'm sorry, I don't, I'm not on my phone on the subway. Which is fine. Um, but when but so it opens up to the conversation to two other things. Now, when when do we get to cut or uh or cut off or or what's the word? Um take a break. Like what where why must we always be connected? You know, for some for some situations, yes. You know, if there's an emergency, call 911. But even in those cases, if you're stuck in a tunnel, calling your boss or whatever, like, hey, I'm stuck in a tunnel, we're not moving, it's been 20 minutes, uh, I'm gonna be late. Fine. I mean, that's New York City life. Or, hey, I just missed my train. Next one is in five minutes, I should be there in five minutes. I don't, you know, all those great things, but it's the other, the downside where people, it's it's bad enough, not bad enough, but it's sad enough to see that you know, most people are on a device and they're not, you know, engaging with each other or just sitting there. I mean, it would be would be awkward if you're just looking at somebody like this. You're like, what? What? I mean, I tend to say think there's something in my face, or I'm like, what are they looking at? Are they cruising me? Which is always never the case. Sometimes it's the case. Um, yeah, sometimes it's the case. Okay. Um, so enjoy that news. That that that's the best stuff of the week that I came across. Um, so what it what is the manosphere? All right. Um, I looked it up, and according to Wikipedia, the manosphere is a very collection of websites, blogs, and online forums promoting masculinity, misogyny, and the opposition to feminism. That's a lot. And it left me wondering a lot about it left me wondering a lot about myself because I mean I I'll talk about that in a minute, but I mean, that's what the manosphere is, right? Uh, there are a lot of communities uh within the manosphere, including uh the men's rights activists, men's rights activists, uh incels, which are involuntary celibates for those who don't know, um, like the Fuentes dude. Um uh men going their own way and uh pick up artists and fathers' rights groups. Now there's a lot there, and I really wanted to have a con a good thought expression for all of that, but it just brings a lot of brings back a lot of memories growing up when my parents divorced when I was three. Um and there was a lot of strife and tension between them and how my mother was raising us and trying to get support from him and um what I was perceiving going on, although I didn't have any facts or know the details, what I was perceiving just seemed intense. And it made me look at things a particular way, especially when it comes to father's rights, Grues, because it as a side note, no, I will wait. I don't want to lose track here. Um, and also uh it's uh the acceptance of uh the ideas described uh it's about their reference to the matrix and taking the red pill, basically. So that that's what the magnosphere is, and I and I I find it I find it uh stressful. Guys like this, you know, I I'm all okay, I'm all for, you know, do you Be your best self, you know. Be cool to people, don't be a dick, you know. But and I've always been like that, even I've always been like that. Uh, but a lot of guys, even growing up, I you know, I guess the way they were being raised and and how they would react to me with the the bullying and and the fighting and all the other stuff, you know, I just like I didn't understand where that was coming from because I was raised by my mom, you know, and my grandmother and my father's mother, you know, my father was in my life, but not not heavily. My stepfather was in my life. But we were raised in a particular way, you know, being kind to others, treating people with respect, you know, um talking. You know, my father taught me self-defense later on, but the majority of my remembrance of the people that I wanted to be friends with, or whatever, they were just mean to me because of my femininity. I'll come, I'll come back to that in a minute. So that's the manosphere. What I what I'm trying to understand too is and I didn't get this from the documentary, is like why do people act this way or or think this way? And I think also if you look at a lot of film, well, maybe let's go back to history, I think. In my in my blamel's understanding, uh, if you read history, the male portion of our species ran, ruled everything, right? Um it was about power and control and and dominance and and uh money, uh wealth, all of that. And they only because I guess you know, women were the childbearers that had, you know, the the way things were structured in the past continued through time, right? And how women are viewed and their place in the world is according to these people and how they think. Um, it just perpetuated where now I think where women are trying to have a seat at the table and have equal rights and being treated with respect and not looked at as something to uh dominate, overcome, and acquire and own. It's caused, I think, a lot of men to start feeling that they're losing their sense, their identity, right? Uh, that they're using they're losing their um their their masculinity because the world is telling them now you cannot do those things because it's not acceptable. Okay, fine, it's not acceptable. I agree. A lot of it is not acceptable. Um, but I don't think they can handle it. So now they're uh they're pushing back and they're saying, you know, I'm a man, I'm a guy, this is how I think, this is how I feel, you know, all that stuff. And I have to be honest, there are some things that I agree with. Um, and you know, for I mean, I don't know if it's superficial, would I don't feel like when it comes to like my going to my doctor, right? I've had women doctors and I've had male doctors, and I've never felt heard or seen or understood when I've had a female doctor. But when I talk to a male doctor, you know, there's an unspoken understanding of, and I use this term all the time, getting hit in the nuts. Every guy in the world knows what that feels like, and I don't even have to explain it. You know, if I don't have to explain that, you understand where I'm coming from right now. Talking to my doctor, right? So I've always I don't know, is that is that misogyny, or is that what's the word for that? I don't know. Um, but I'm not a misogynistic person, and I although I'm not full-on feminist, I you know, women should be able to do and have the same opportunities that men do. It's it's it's that simple for me, right? If you're a dick or you're a bitch, you get the same kind of response. Right? But if you're kind on both sides, you get the same response. Um, so in the in the documentary, the the the the misogyny was just full on um displayed, you know, and uh and a lot of it was just uneducated and being misinformed and uh just getting away with it. Seemed to me like a lot of guys that do this the stuff that they do online is uh it's like jackass has evolved into allowing these guys to do say and and act any way they want without repercussion, some of them. Well, maybe that's changed because of Andrew Tate. Uh, but they they approach it this way, and then they feed off of guys who want to be like that, who are maybe overweight or awkward or you know, not uh an aesthetic that they see this information coming from, they want to emulate that and then acquire and uh strive to become that. Uh, they're being told these things, and in the process of being told these things, send me$12.99 and I'll show you my plan, blah blah blah. And so they're taking their money and selling them a bill of goods, honestly. So, yeah, and they just keep regurgitating all of this nonsense to each other, and it just keeps growing and growing, and then someone's saying, Yeah, you're absolutely right, you should feel that way because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, right? I'm sitting here thinking for those listening, it's not the sound didn't go out. I'm sitting here thinking, I get I get excited and then lost in thought real quick. Um, but what I want to really point out, and just so you get an understanding of like what that is, right? The manosphere. But what I really want to say is like who's playing who here? Okay, because if you're as I was watching, I'm like, who are all these girls? All right, they're they're like chasing pussy and they're trying to get a little play, and you know, they're trying to be all suave and demonair, yo, let me get your number, all that shit, you know, I'll I'll I'll hook you up and all of that. And some of the girls are like, they know the power of pussy. I'm saying it. Some women know, I think mostly older women too know the power of the posse. And they're using it. And if you watch them, they may play some of them, they play dumb, they're playing, some of them are dumb. I mean, it's like I honestly don't understand, and it's the education system and the whole system trying to keep people uneducated and stupid so this way they don't know anything. But it I watching some of these girls, they clearly have no clue. But then there's the ones who do have a clue, and they're realizing, hmm, if I keep myself pretty and toned and done up, somebody's gonna pay for something for me, and I'm not gonna have to spend a dime. Somebody all I'm gonna have to do is maybe give a little something something on the side and get away with everything. And a lot of these guys will fall for it. If they're lucky, they get away unscathed. Because I'm not saying that that doesn't come without some kind of danger, too, because some men are dangerous. Um, some women are dangerous, but some men are dangerous in that scenario, and if they get discovered, you know, it could end badly. And that sounds like a very bad film. Um, but and I don't wish that on anybody, but I'm like, who is playing who here really? They're they're chasing clout and money. They see, you know, so you uh you roll up in this this these four wheels. That's kind of cool. You got money. I am hungry. Hey, how you doing? What's up? You know, I have done it myself, but not like that. I have used my notoriety, I suppose, sometimes to my advantage, especially, you know, wanting to get a little something, something on the side, they're like, oh, you're my dread, and I'm like, what's up? Not everybody's done. I've only done it twice, honestly. Um, and they were hot, they were so hot. Um okay, is that misogynistic? Is that being a dude? Is that being I don't know. What is that being a berth? A hornball? I don't know. I don't know, but that's that's me. So, you know, and they also uh talk a big game, right? So I'm like, who are they when nobody's around and when the camera's off and and nobody's watching? Are they, you know, wondering, like, I know for sure they're definitely searching and watching um uh online, looking to see what comments are coming in and what people are saying, and maybe looking at you know how much money there's coming in and whatever, and trying to build on whatever. I'm sure they're doing that. But when the lights are off and the cameras are not rolling, who are they? What are they doing? How what's going on, right? And when trouble does come a knock-in, are they where's the bravado? Are they that person? Or are they just that with when their homies are around, they're gonna try to pull a stunt, or you know, they're gonna not worry about getting their asses beat because they got backup or people are there with them. I don't know. Can that be the case? Who are they talking a big game? And can they handle their shit? Because I I mean I definitely grew up in a place where if you talk shit, you better be able to stand on it. I found myself in that in that predicament too, where I was talking shit and I was not ready. I was not ready. I fought, I lost, but talk shit. Um, and this one dude that they were interviewing, I forget his name, and it's not even worth saying, but um, he had he basically got into spoiler alert, he got into like a car mishap, and he was kind of like on the run and hiding, and uh he was at his place and his mom was there, and the part of they were recording and all this stuff, and basically the ways that he was like totally capitulating to his mother, like she was like, What is that? Pick that up, you know, he's like running like clean. It was cute to see him devolve into the little boy that answers to his mother. And she was asked, you know, like you know, some of the shit that comes out of his mouth, how do you feel about that? And she's like looking at him like she could see in her face, she was like, This is all bullshit, he's a pussy, he's talking shit. Um, so yeah. So that left me wondering too, after all of that, like, am I toxic in my masculinity, you know? Um, and I'll re I'll rewind to this. Like, I letting my guard down is not easy for me. And it it when I was a kid, I would let my guard down and just be myself. Um, I would end up in um bullying situations where you know, just being me, you know, I'd start being called faggot or um, you know, homo and all that stuff, and and end up in fights because I I didn't didn't understand what they were saying, so I would ask my mother, I mean, I never forget the face, the look on my mother's face when I came home from school one day, and I said, Ma, what's a faggot? And I could tell right then and there she knew what I went through. And then uh she explained. Uh and so then I was like, Oh, is that me? I I I was just I was just being me. Hey, let's play, let's have fun, blah blah blah, you know, running around being stupid, you know. Um, so then I put my guard back up and I started being, and I stopped really talking to people or socializing, um, except for my best friend, my bestest friend. Um and it and it hurt because I had to hide half of my personality, just pulling back. And I think people got caught on because then the bullying would get even more intense because I would just ignore them and try to stay away from them, and then it'd be like, oh, what's the problem? What's the problem, Fagaroa? Yeah, yeah. My birth last name uh is Fagaroa, and I went through all of uh grade school and parochial school known as Fagaroa. It's fine, I didn't give a shit, really. Because I knew I knew when I was seven that I liked boys too, so I was like, whatever, not a not a big deal. But so they didn't get lost in thinking that I was okay with it, I would lash out. So, but of course I got in trouble because I hit first. I don't give a shit. Um so in high school, I started emulating the guys that I wanted to be like. Because when high school is when I realized that I'm I like to say I was raised by the lesbians in high school, the softball team, I was cool with all of them, and they were fun because they were playing softball, and to me, that's like baseball. And of course, they were let's play baseball. So um they were fun and they, but then I realized they're all really masculine and I'm finding them attractive. I was trying to figure it out like why? Why are they so hard? And I'm like, they're lesbians. And then I, you know, I knew they were lesbians, but I'm like, what is it about them that it's like, oh, because their masculinity is prevalent, right? So um I was raised by the softball team in high school. I love them all. I miss a lot of them. I was close with uh Myrna. I miss Myrna so much. I wish I could find her. Um, she was cool. Uh she was really, really cool. Uh so I would emulate the guys, the and so just to be completely transparent here, there were two guys in all of my high school with a hundred of the kids that were the bodybuilders. It was Rafael and Emilio. Rafael was tan and brown hair and long and feathered blow blow, and Emilio was his opposite twin with the black hair, identical. And they were the and they each had uh girlfriends that were drop dead fucking gorgeous, and I was like, wow, they were both beautiful. Anyway, I wanted to be like them, so I started, you know, trying to hang in their circles and trying to work out and and do push-ups and try to be as buff as I possibly could at you know, like 5'3 compared to their you know, 5'9 in high school. Um and then there was Edwin from from he was moved to the neighborhood, he was fresh off the boat from Puerto Rico, didn't speak well, his English was the Brooklyn Bridge was the Blue Knight. Um, and that was comedy gold for a good year. The Blue Knight Bleach. Um, and then there was uh the guys from the neighborhood that were, you know, they hung out the handball cord and uh would be at McCarra Park at the pool. I could not handle the pool some days, it was terrible. Um, because to go in the pool, you had to go through the locker rooms first, you had to shower first, and then you then you get in. And mostly everybody was naked in there, and I was just like, oh my god. I I would just try to get through that. It was just too overwhelming. Um I really wanted to be that time, so I would carry myself a particular way. So is that was that toxic? You know, I would maybe sometimes be rude. And I would, of course, I was young, and I'm not gonna give myself any excuses, but sometimes I still carry myself in a in a particular way where I'm like, where's that coming from? Is it trauma? Is it is it who I really want to be? Is it part of my personality? Am I duality here because you know, my feminine side is in constant conflict with my masculinity? You know, and if I do let my hair down, as it were, what I have left, um, around people, as they're getting to know, I'm getting to know them, and then their attitudes toward me change, I put a fence back up and I'm just like very standoffish. Then everybody thinks I'm pissed off because you know I have resting bitch face. Thanks, Grandma Halstead. Is that is that toxic? You know? And again, going back to you know, just dealing with met prof men in professional fields when it comes to my personal well-being, you know, is that toxic? Is that manosphere? I don't, I honestly don't, because talking to a woman therapist that one time that I did, I just felt like I was trying to talk to my mother, or I was talking to my mother, where in opening up to her, sometimes it never really came with, I don't think she ever saw me coming to her with a genuine concern or question that she could listen to and then maybe guide me. It was always, I got the 20 questions and like what did I do wrong? And it was very aggressive. And I'm like, this is why I don't talk to you because it's turned into I just have a question and you're you're interrogating me. I stopped doing that. You okay? I'm fine. What's on your mind? Nothing. And I stopped keeping, and she found my journal once too. Oh god, that was not good. Um I didn't feel like I could honestly open up to this woman therapist because all I saw was my mother, and then it just her and trying to engage with me felt like 20 questions and not honestly engaging with me. My male therapist was like, so what's the first thing on your mind? Just let it out. And that's pretty pretty nutshelled, but those are the experiences I had. Is that toxic? Is that manosphere? Is that misogynist? I don't know. I just know what makes me feel comfortable in these situations. And again, you know, how I carry myself, you know. I I am sometimes judgmental. I look, I know summers in New York City are god-awful. They can be. Sometimes I'm less like one tear my skin off. But I I like the summer. I just don't think people, men or women, should be half naked in the streets. Well, I I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with that right now. I just it it bothers me because I personally don't want to get on the subway and walk in and just see half-naked people. The beach is one thing. Certain situations, I don't I don't know where I'm going with that. I think I'm just looking I'm not again unscripted, unrehearsed, that's how I feel about it. I mean it makes me uncomfortable. It's unexpected in an unexpected place, I think is what it is. I don't know, I just got an image. There were a couple times where I saw women breastfeeding. I thought that was the most beautiful thing in the world. I'm like, more power to you, sister, do that thing. That is the thing. Um but yeah. Some of these queens in their their booty shorts, you know, everything hanging out. That's not is that toxic? Is that misogynistic? I'm like, bro, come on. There are kids here. Lady, put your tits away. There are you know, I think also that comes with living in New York, and there's all kinds of I have no idea what's happening right now. I'm glitching. I don't want to rant, but I do want to say that I have a standard, excuse me, by which I carry myself. And sometimes I expect other people to have the similar standard. And I think that comes from my upbringing. What's the what's the how's it? My both my grandmothers and my mother would say this to me a lot. Show me who you walk with and I'll tell you who you are. And there's a in the Spanish version of that is far more intense and far more cutting you like a knife in deep into your soul. Um, I don't know why, but it's literally the same sentiment. But in Spanish it sounds so much more. Uh, and I just feel that way. Like I carry myself in a particular way because I want people to perceive me in a particular way as a grown professional, educated, non-fucked up person. Um, if that makes any kind of sense. So, yeah. You tell me now. I mean, did you watch the Manosphere? I recommend it. You should check it out. It's worth watching just to get an understanding, or just you know, mindless noshing and you, oh, let me see what this bullshit is about. Some of it is kind of funny to watch. Um did you watch it? What'd you think? Do you want to see it? Definitely check it out. Do you even care? I don't give a shit about this bullshit, Mike. Yeah, I want to know that too. Are you are you do you think in those terms? Are you do you think you're misogynistic or do you think Listen, I'm not gonna tell anybody if you put it in the comments, I'm not gonna share all of that. Um you can I don't know what to use that won't give yourself away, but if you don't give a shit, you can say that too. I don't give a shit. Hey listen, if you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it. I love it. Um I am grateful. Totally grateful. Um drop a bicep crawl emoji. Lefty. If you're lefty. I think it it goes righty though. If you lefty. Uh leave that in the comments. Let me know what you think. I again uh like, share, comment. It helps it keep going, helps me keep growing. Um if you're listening on uh Apple Podcasts or iHeart or wherever you just you know rank me up. I love it. Five stars. You can. If you're watching again, just share with everyone you know. I'd I'd love hearing from you. And again, like always, I'm trying to stay ad free here. Um so if you want to support me in this on BuzzFeed, um Buzz Sprout, you can uh sign up and get all the bonus stuff and behind the scenes stuff uh there or on Patreon, you can sign up there and get all that cool shit. Um like the bonus part of this episode, I'm gonna talk a little bit about um growing up in a manosphere feminist world with the contradiction of my dad and my stepfather and what I learned from them. So you're gonna want to come back for that. It's gonna be interesting. I hope, I think. Alright, guys, have a great week. Stay safe. I love you all. Peace out.