High Sensitivity & Self-Compassion

Welcome back to the new season of the Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast! This week, host Elizabeth Cush shares personal insights into sensitivity, shares what’s in store for the coming season and invites you to join a unique community. 

“We need more compassion and kindness and love out there in the universe, for sure.” — Biz Cush

Listen and learn:

·      Why you don’t have to be highly sensitive yourself to benefit from listening to the Awaken your Wise Woman podcast

·      How doing Internal Family Systems (IFS), or “parts” work has enabled Biz to grow 

·      The one major theme that consistently comes up as a challenge for clients from all works of life

·      Why self-compassion is such a challenge, especially for highly sensitive women

·      The ways in which self-compassion—or the lack of it—can affect our relationships with others

·      The lies our inner critic tells us in an attempt to protect us from painful feelings 

·      The advantage of feeling compassion for, instead of judging, our younger selves

·      The simple practice that Biz uses to recenter herself when that ultra-critical voice tries to sneak in and be heard

·      How to find a community of women who understand what it is like to be highly sensitive

You can find the full show notes and resources mentioned here.

Transcript

Elizabeth Cush  00:00

Hey, we're back for season six, before we jump into this episode, season one of Episode Six. I just wanted to say that the circle of sacred sensitivity membership is now open for enrollment. I am super excited about the platform. I'm excited about the women who are joining. I am excited about having a place to connect and be seen and be heard, get and give support. There are resources there. If this is something you're interested in or you don't know anything about and you want to know more, you can reach out to me, or you can go to my website, Elizabeth cush.com, or awaken your WIS your wisdom. Awaken Your wise woman.com

Elizabeth Cush  00:46

to find out more and fill out an interest form if you'd like to join us. Join me and other sensitive women in the community.

Elizabeth Cush  00:56

Hey there. Welcome back to The Awaken Your wise woman podcast. We are back for season six. Oh my gosh, that's so hard to believe. I don't even know what number episode this is. I mean, it's episode one for season six, but I don't know cumulatively what the episode number is, but I'm very excited. Whoops. What am I doing here? Very excited to be back and to have you all here with me.

Elizabeth Cush  01:30

Yeah, we're

Elizabeth Cush  01:32

going to continue to focus on highly sensitive women that really resonated with me. It made

Elizabeth Cush  01:42

figure figuring out who to interview and who to bring on the podcast and what to talk about really simplified it. For me. It narrowed the focus enough that

Elizabeth Cush  01:57

it made it easy to say yes or no to people who reach out who want to be a guest on the podcast, and it made it easy for me to really hone in on what we should be talking about. So that's exciting. That is exciting. And even if you're not a highly sensitive person, you probably know somebody who is, whether it's your partner or your kids or a friend, there is probably someone in your life who is highly sensitive, and I hope that this podcast will help you better understand them,

Elizabeth Cush  02:36

be more knowledgeable about high sensitivity and maybe

Elizabeth Cush  02:42

come into that relationship with that highly sensitive person with more compassion and kindness, because that is always the key. We need more compassion and kindness and love here, out there in the universe, for sure. Uh,

Elizabeth Cush  03:04

something that I love about working with highly sensitive women is I have become more and more well versed, trained and better understanding of how our parts using the internal family systems, or ifs model how our parts interact with these highly sensitive traits, and it's allowed me to be more kind and gentle and

Elizabeth Cush  03:34

open to the slowness of the work that needs to happen. And I think that's the beautiful thing. That's why I love doing ifs work, whether it's through soul support and coaching or through my therapy, businesses, bringing parts work,

Elizabeth Cush  03:56

a parts work perspective into the work,

Elizabeth Cush  04:00

it's just a kind, gentle, slow, deep work that

Elizabeth Cush  04:07

helps all of us heal our sensitive systems. And

Elizabeth Cush  04:13

yeah, I love it. I love doing the work. I love bringing it into conversation. I love just entering the world being aware of my parts, because that helps me be more compassionate when other people's parts maybe are a little bit activated or

Elizabeth Cush  04:30

or blended. So

Elizabeth Cush  04:35

yeah, really helps me honor our sensitivities and those parts that get activated by our sensitive nature.

Elizabeth Cush  04:45

What I have noticed the theme that has been threading through all my work with both coaching clients, with our meetups with highly sensitive women, with my.

Elizabeth Cush  05:00

My therapy clients, is a lot of self judgment coming through. I am hearing from from all walks, of people in my business that I work with that this highly critical part, this part that really wants to

Elizabeth Cush  05:21

kind of point out all the ways maybe you're not doing it right. Point out all the things you're doing that maybe you could have done differently, both currently, like right now and in the past. So looking backward and questioning judgment or questioning perspective, questioning you as a much younger person, and that theme has been running consistently through all the work that I've been doing. I even wrote a blog post about it recently because of how much I've been seeing it and hearing it from my clients. So it really brought me to this thought about like entering into the podcast for this next season, you know? How can I be the most kind, compassionate host as well as practitioner? And got me a little bit curious, you know? And I think I know some of the reasons, but got me curious about why. The question was, why is self compassion so difficult, I think, even especially difficult for highly sensitive women,

Elizabeth Cush  06:40

well, and why is it so important? Like, why do we need it? Why is it that we, you know, my feelings around, why you the listener, should be practicing self compassion regularly, is that we feel everything deeply, right? We feel it in our heart, in our soul, in our body, and so when we're addressing ourselves with harshness or unkindness, we're feeling that too, and we're voluntarily. I mean, sometimes it feels involuntary. Sometimes it feels like we're unconscious of how how harsh we are to ourselves, but we have a choice. We have a choice in how to treat ourselves, and so those harsh or critical words that we use to motivate or try to make us not make the mistakes again in the future, or not do things the way we did them. We feel those so deeply, not just the words from other people, but the words we are sharing with ourselves, like that inner critical voice, those that running commentary of whether you're doing things correctly or not, those can hurt, those words and feelings can hurt deeply, and you long to feel deeply connected to others as sensitive women, this is what we strive for, right? But if we're not feeling deeply connected to ourself, it's really, really hard to feel deeply connected with others, because if we're not deeply connected with ourself, we're disconnected. We are avoidant or numb or not feeling right. And so if we're tuning out because the critical part of us is just making us shut down, it makes it really, really, really hard to feel that deep connection with others you it's funny, there was a story that came to mind, or, yeah, a story of mine from the past that came to mind while I was sort of writing out, sketching out what I wanted to talk about today. And so I'm going to share that with you here, and I hope it offers a little insight into meeting yourself with kindness and compassion. Do you remember what it was like as a middle schooler or high schooler, wanting so much to fit in, wanting so much to be seen and accepted and not judged. Well. I often think of my little parts, my critical parts, as my my high schooler part, you know, reaping the self judge. Been on to me, but that's another story. I just know that that feeling of being judged could really stop me in my tracks. Really hit me so deeply, because I wanted so much to fit in at this time in my life, I was in a new school. It was a school I didn't really want to go to, but my parents felt like because both my older brother and sister were already there, and because they felt it would offer a higher level of education, that's where I went. So I was already struggling with, like fitting in, trying to figure out where I I would land. You know, there were already clicks of people that had been formed because this was a school where some of the kids had been there since kindergarten, right? So it was a small private school, and here I was coming in, yeah, in seventh grade, and it felt like a lot. It felt like a lot to have to enter this environment where I was the outsider. I had come from an environment where I was kind of at the top of the, I don't know sounds weird to say top of the pecking order. I was popular. The boys liked me, and here I was entering in this, into this whole new world where I felt out of sorts. And I think in eighth grade, I got invited to the cool kids party. And it was clear from the beginning, these were parties that had been going along for a long time, and they were hosted at somebody's house, and typically the parents were not very present. You know, kids were kind of given free reign of like the downstairs of the house or something, which was all very new to me. Going to a party with boys and girls and no parents felt exciting and new, but also a little scary.

Elizabeth Cush  12:20

I but

Elizabeth Cush  12:25

I was excited. I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted so much to fit in and be a part of it, of the cool kids you know, group that you know, I kind of put my reservations or concerns aside. And so it was pretty clear right off the bat that I was in over my head. There was spin the bottle, there was truth or dare. Where you were, you know, matched up with somebody to, you know, go kiss them somewhere. And I had never had a boyfriend. I had never been physically intimate with a boy. And it to me, it was very clear that everybody else was very, very comfortable with this. And I remember they said, you know, truth or dare. God knows why I picked air and they dared me to kiss this boy. And I said, No, I was horrified. I never kissed a boy before ever. And immediately I realized, well, in my head, that was the wrong answer. That was the wrong answer, because shortly after that, the games stopped, and everybody paired off and went to some part of the that house to make out. And so I was sitting by myself in this family room, in a chair, waiting, and I guess the boy who was supposed to kiss me was waiting somewhere else too. I mean, I think everybody was matched evenly, and I was invited to be with this boy, I guess, but I didn't know that. And I remember sitting in this chair facing their fireplace, looking up at a picture, just wondering, like, when is my brother gonna come pick me up and take me home? And he had been out and about, so there's no way to call him. This is way back before cell phones, so there was no way for me to call him and say, Come get me early. And so I just had to wait and wait and wait until he came back to get me. And it was terrible. It was terrible I was sitting there judging myself because I didn't have the guts to. Kiss somebody, even though I never kissed anybody before, feeling judged and really laughed at by all the other kids and definitely not feeling a part of the cool kids club. I remember talking to my sister about it after the party, and her saying like, Oh, I was, I'm so proud of you for saying no, that took a lot of guts, and you're so strong, and that's amazing. That is not how I felt. It made me feel like an outsider once again, where I had finally felt like, Oh, I'm fitting in. Here's my people. Here are the people I'm going to be, you know, hanging with for the next couple of years. That is not how it felt. I felt isolated. I felt judged. I remember going to the cafeteria at lunchtime and just knowing, I knew people were talking about me, and I wasn't invited to another party for quite some time, and the worst part was I felt like I didn't belong, and it was way too easy for me to turn that judgment onto myself, like I had done something wrong, that I was The problem versus the situation was problematic for me, and those feelings hung around for a long time. I can remember the critical part of me saying, Why didn't I just I could have just like there were so many other possible outcomes in my head that it could have gone better, and I could have done things differently, and it prompted me that I was the person that needed to change. I was the one who had to figure out how to fit in, how to be

Elizabeth Cush  16:58

a cool kid.

Elizabeth Cush  17:01

And so I made it my mission to have a boyfriend. Over the summer. I made it my mission to make sure I kissed at least one boy more than once so I understood what it meant to kiss, what it meant to French kiss, which was like, Ooh, makes me laugh thinking back on it, but it also makes me a little bit sad, because I think for a long time I judged myself, one for not being able to move past my own boundaries just so I'd be able to fit in. But two, I judged myself that I felt like I had to push myself to learn how to be physically intimate with a boy like it became a mission. I was not going to go back to school with no boyfriend experience. And of course, that boyfriend experience was awkward and weird and all of the things you would expect it to be when you don't know what you're doing. So 14 year old or 13 year old, whatever I was, but I really needed to feel like I belonged. That was the thing that I look back on now with compassion. You know, I could still sit here and judge that 1314, year old, but the reality is, I see how much she wanted to belong, how much she wanted to be a part of the group, how much she wanted to have community, and how deeply she felt the shame of being cast aside or laughed at or judged, and I can meet that younger part of me with love and care and kindness and a little humor. Today, I see her struggle. I see how much she wanted others to like her, to love her, and what coming into a place where other kids were more savvy than she was around physical intimacy and boyfriends, and I just have so much love for her, and even though you know her determination to get a boyfriend, I'm not sure it really made her feel like she fit in any better. But I feel a lot of compassion for that too, how hard she tried, and how much she wanted to be seen as belonging. So I'm curious if that story not the particulars, but the the looking back and judging yourself for behaviors and actions. Directions of things you did in the past, looking back from this perspective and judging that younger, younger self, that younger part of you, because I would like to offer an alternative to see that younger self, that younger part with soft, kind, compassionate eyes, to recognize that they were doing the best that they could with what they had at the time. You know, they were trying to find their way through and I would say that to you about all of your experiences, I don't know. I hope that none of us go out into the world wanting to harm ourselves or others, and it's hard to be kind and compassionate when that's not the example that's been given

Elizabeth Cush  21:02

or shared.

Elizabeth Cush  21:05

And so it really is a an act of of defiance or an act of not coming up with the right word rebellion to the to do a u turn and come back to yourself with the care and kindness and compassion that I know you hold in your heart for others. And really the truth of it is is we're not whitewashing the past. We're not making all our mistakes like it's fine. That is not the point of self compassion. The idea is being mindful of one more critical, self critical, meeting ourself with kindness. So saying, okay, maybe I didn't do it right. Maybe I didn't behave the way I wanted to. Maybe I said some pretty crappy things to a friend, and I am really working to be kinder to myself, because I'd like to do things differently, and to know that everyone struggles with this. Everyone struggles from time to time. None of us are skating through life with no heartache, no difficulty, no getting it wrong or making mistakes. We all suffer. We all struggle. And so if we can remember that, as we turn back toward ourselves, to recognize you're not alone in this, and sometimes it's hard even for us to as kind, compassionate beings, to be kind to ourselves, there's one practice that has really helped me recenter when I hear that ultra critical voice that sometimes still wants to sneak in, I've done a lot of work around practicing self compassion so it does pop in less frequently, but I um, a simple practice that I offer myself when things do feel hard, when I have not shown up the way I would have liked, when I potentially hurt someone, and I don't mean to when I, yeah, make mistakes. It's just hands on my heart, taking a deep breath and saying, Yeah, this is really hard, and I'm really working to be kinder to myself, because this is hard, and I want to meet myself with compassion so that I can notice next time and do things differently.

Elizabeth Cush  24:12

One, it soothes my nervous system. It helps bring down the distress, but it also I feel the care and compassion I'm offering myself through my heart.

Elizabeth Cush  24:28

So

Elizabeth Cush  24:30

a suggestion that I offer my clients when we're noticing through our sessions that there is this incredibly critical part that is always with them. It's just bringing an awareness to how often that voice is there. So bringing mindful awareness to how often your inner critic is right there in your ear, chiming in

Elizabeth Cush  24:58

all the time.

Elizabeth Cush  25:02

Right. So bringing that awareness and noticing like, what is it saying to you? What does this inner critical part say to you in the moments when maybe it thinks you're not getting things right?

Elizabeth Cush  25:16

I'm guessing there are things you would never say to anyone else, even somebody you didn't like, you would never say those things out loud.

Elizabeth Cush  25:28

So that's the first step. Is just noticing, noticing how present the voice is, noticing how often you call yourself stupid or an idiot or dumb,

Elizabeth Cush  25:40

even those small words, small I say in quotes,

Elizabeth Cush  25:45

they have a big impact on our relationship with ourself. And I honestly believe, as humans, our relationship with ourself is the most important relationship we can have, because if we're not treating ourselves with kindness and compassion. How are we stepping into the world and offering that to others with genuineness?

Elizabeth Cush  26:12

And the more compassion we have for ourselves, for our mistakes, for our mess ups, for our inappropriate behavior, sometimes, the more compassion we have for ourselves, the greater our ability to hold compassion for others,

Elizabeth Cush  26:34

and that is a skill and A tool and

Elizabeth Cush  26:40

a mindset that we need so much right now in this world where it feels like there's so little compassion, so little kindness, so little understanding for others experiences.

Elizabeth Cush  26:59

So take a notice. Take a listen. Pay attention. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself.

Elizabeth Cush  27:08

Just remember that little teenage part that was trying so hard to get things right. If you can see those younger parts of you and even this critical part of you as trying to help you not feel that way again. Whatever it was, hurt, shamed, guilty, right? Our critic, our inner critic, really wants us to not hurt again. It wants us to avoid being hurt or feeling hurt, feeling wounded. And so it thinks that the best way to go about doing that is to be unkind. But the reality is, the Kinder we are to ourselves, the Kinder we are to our parts, the Kinder we are to others. And I think that is what's needed.

Elizabeth Cush  28:01

So if you are interested in finding a community of highly sensitive women who get you who understand what it is like to be highly sensitive, join me and others in the circle of sacred sensitivity. The membership is open. You just have to fill out a membership interest form, and

Elizabeth Cush  28:25

I will reach out and maybe have a quick call maybe not figure out if it's the right fit for you. You can find out more on my website. Elizabeth cush.com, or awaken your wise woman.com,

Elizabeth Cush  28:40

I hope you'll come be a part of my group. We do lot of practicing around self compassion, and I hope you will meet us there.

Elizabeth Cush  28:51

I look forward to this next season that was my dog. I look forward to this next season of the podcast, and I look forward to connecting with you here. See you soon.