A Somatic Solution for Managing Overwhelm

The negative emotions that can accompany motherhood take many women by surprise. In this episode of the Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast, host Elizabeth Cush and Jess Althoff talk about how highly sensitive women can manage the overwhelm. 

“We are breathing all the time, but most of us aren't breathing correctly, and most of us aren't using our breath in ways that are beneficial to us.” 
 — Jess Althoff

Exhaustion. Frustration. Overwhelm. Self-doubt. Anxiety. Guilt. Irritability. Even rage. No matter how much you wanted to be a mother, you may have been blindsided by the negative emotions that nobody warned you about. In this episode of Awaken Your Wise Woman, host Biz Cush, LCPC, a licensed professional therapist, founder of Progression Counseling in Maryland and Delaware, and soul guide for highly sensitive women, welcomes Jess Althoff, author of the blog “Raising Slow,” for a talk about postpartum anxiety and rage, and the importance of self-care techniques like meditation and breathwork in managing mental health. They also share their own experiences, as well as practical tips and techniques that can help mothers and other highly sensitive women get in touch with their bodies, reduce irritability, 

You can find the full show notes and resources here.

Transcript

 Jess Althoff Interview

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Postpartum anxiety, meditation, mental health, motherhood challenges, breath work, vagus nerve, emotional regulation, physical symptoms, anxiety management, self-care, parenting strategies, emotional awareness, relaxation techniques, stress relief, mindfulness.

SPEAKERS

Elizabeth Cush, Jess Althoff

Elizabeth Cush  00:03

Hey, Jess, how are you?

Jess Althoff  00:06

How are you 

Elizabeth Cush  00:07

good!

Elizabeth Cush  00:08

Welcome to The Awaken Your wise woman Podcast. I'm super excited to jump into this conversation, but I'm guessing some of our listeners may not know who you are. So if you could share a little bit about yourself that would be awesome.

Jess Althoff  00:22

Yes, of course. I'm Jess. I write a blog called Raising slow, and it started honestly as a way to kind of hold myself accountable, because I was right when I had my second baby. I just was all over the place. I was struggling with postpartum anxiety, probably some general anxiety, some rage, and I needed to figure it out. So I started writing things down, and I got back into meditation. I started slowing things down. Fortunately, I was able to take a very long, extended break from working full time, which I needed to do for my mostly for my mental health, probably for my physical health as well, but and for and for my kids, for our whole family, for everything, and I was able to do that, and that extended break turned into spending more time trying to figure out ways to make motherhood easier for me and easier for everyone, because it is. It's never going to be easy. There may be easy days, but it to date, is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I can't I just it sort of became my purpose to find ways to make it better without changing, well, not without changing society. But I'm one person, and there's only so much I can do for society. So I just kept thinking about, what can I do for me, for the women that I write to and speak to, to make this a little bit easier, to remove some of the guilt, to ease that anxiety that we all have to be more present, have more peace, and just find small ways to enjoy it and not feel so triggered and irritable and like calm our nervous systems and hopefully pass all of these skills on to our kids in ways that at least for me, no one ever passed along to me, so I had to sort of figure them out as an adult. And so here I am,

Elizabeth Cush  02:50

yeah, yeah. Well, I think I I can totally relate to what you're sharing and that I think that I had this idea that, you know, you get pregnant, you have a baby, you take your nurse, everything's easy, you you know, I don't know you love your infant until you know, till they're an adult. And that's and that's all it is. And I can remember, you know, with my first child, so he's now 37 but just being at home by myself, he's crying. I'm crying. The dog is crying like it's and just thinking, like, Why didn't anybody ever share with me how hard this is?

Jess Althoff  03:46

And you think I just have this one infant like, this is supposed to like you wanted, or at least I did. I wanted my babies so badly, like, so deep and in a way that I can't even describe, I don't even have words for how badly I wanted these kids. And then they were here, and by most measures, I had really easy babies. They just they cried when they needed stuff, and they didn't cry when they didn't. And it was still like a level of exhaustion and a level of questioning and doubting myself like I thought this. I thought it would, I don't know. I just had this idea that, since I wanted it so bad, it would just come naturally. And many things did. But like the tight, the exhaustion and the worry and the the rage and the anxiety, I like everything that comes with it was just such a surprise. And with my second one, who was easier, objectively easier than my first one, and my look, my first one was an pretty easy toddler. It just was like, I am in I'm. I'm in a rage. I'm irritable all the time, and I can't enjoy these two perfect little humans that I wanted so badly, and now I'm just like, tight and I don't know it was, it was such a surprise to me. 

Elizabeth Cush  05:17

Yeah, yeah.

Elizabeth Cush  05:18

Well, because two, you don't... No one ever talks about or associates rage with parenting, right?

Jess Althoff  05:26

Like, no, they do not,

Elizabeth Cush  05:31

yeah, yeah. But to normalize, like, I can remember being so frustrated and like knowing I didn't want to scream at the kids, and they probably weren't doing anything outrageous, but I was feeling, in some ways, I think, somewhat trapped, you know, by the demands of exhaustion and feeding and caring and just going upstairs and like, hitting the wall and being like, what is going On? Like, I don't know how to handle this, and didn't really know who to talk to about it. 

Jess Althoff  06:09

And there are no, at least none, that I knew of. There were no examples of a good mother who also is irritable and angry and just so tired that, like leaving her baby to cry for 30 seconds longer, because 30 seconds felt like it gave you a little extra, like there are no examples of that, that it, you know, it just looks like all those little things are, oh, you're a terrible Mother. And as women, we hold on to this weight and guilt of like, I just, I just need that 30 seconds. But, you know, and and this idea of, yeah, we can be very angry and also be good moms. We can be irritable and still be good moms all the things and still be good moms. And no one ever really said that to me like I just assumed they were all these negative emotions were mutually exclusive from this good mom that I felt like I needed to be.

Elizabeth Cush  07:13

Yeah, yeah. Well, I know you shared in the beginning of this that like you weren't really given the tools to manage your nervous system and figure out how you were feeling and to take care of yourself. I know I wasn't either, and so so much of what I was feeling like my family really didn't talk about feelings, so it was just like all inside, right? And nowhere for it to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it sounds like, I mean, I know too, that I really wanted to do things differently. I didn't want to raise my kids in the same way, as you were saying, like passing these skills on to our children, like I wanted to be sure that I could do a different job, hopefully better job than I felt, not that my mom was a bad mom or my dad was a bad parent, but they didn't have the skills either. 

Jess Althoff  08:12

Yeah. I mean, I feel wholeheartedly that both of my parents did exactly the best that they could with what they were given, and so now I need to do better, because they did a lot better than their than what they the tools that they were given were which were absolutely none I you know, I think so. I don't think they did a bad job. Like I said. They did the best that they could with what they had.

Elizabeth Cush  08:40

Yeah, yeah. And so for you, when you became a mom, it sounds like that sort of started a transformation, or at least an awakening to do something different, to find a way to help you manage what was going on inside.

Jess Althoff  08:58

Yeah, it did I so I had been medit. I had meditated most of my adult life, and then at some point, I mean, again, you're just so tired, at some point between my two kids or after myself, I don't know when I lost my meditation practice, and that was about three months in with Gussie, my my second kid. I realized, Oh, this is a piece that's missing, like I that. This is something that has given me peace and grounding and relieved some of the physical tightness. And I very quickly talked to my doctor and got when it got some therapy, and I did a lot of the things in that first year to just and again, like I said, I stepped away from my job, and I just, like, took a step back and just realized that I can't do any of this. Focus without taking care of myself, and that that like sort of moment of, oh, I am an important piece of this puzzle. I can't just give, give, give and not take care of myself. I have to prioritize at least a couple of things, like, I don't need to, you know, like get a haircut and go to the gym or, like, all the things that I was used to doing before I had kids. But I do, I did recognize that at a certain point I needed to prioritize my mental health and my physical health, and that is it, and and have take some time for myself. And so we got better. My husband and I got better at scheduling. It took a really long nap every Saturday. We just got a lot better at, like, recognizing that we needed to build things into our schedule that gave me at least a little bit of time alone and and i Things got better, and but I still I struggled with anxiety. And looking back, I think I always had anxiety. It just manifested in different ways as a teenager and then as a young adult. Then how it manifests now. Now it's like a complete tightness in my chest, and it's, it's very physical. I feel it in my chest before I feel it before I even can acknowledge, oh, what's going on around me, before I have an idea. Oh, right. This is bothering me. Oh, I'm worried about this. And I at some point, someone accidentally stumbled into a breath work course about manifestation. And I tend to buy too many online courses and not finish them. I'm a course hoarder a little bit, but I finished this one, and I the breathwork for manifestation never stuck. I just didn't it never it didn't feel like what I needed to be doing. But I noticed that I kept being drawn to the course, like I kept being like, oh, I should be doing this. I should clean the kitchen, but I want to do I want to take the next thing. I want to do the next thing, and I kept being drawn to it. And I wasn't sure why, but I kept thinking, Oh, maybe the manifestation is working. Maybe this is like, why I'm being drawn to it. But what I realized at the end of it is that after the the the lesson, and then the practice, I felt so much better. I was like lighter, so I again, my body was drawn to it, because I would take these breath work I would do these breath work practices about manifesting. But what was happening is my chest was lightning. I could feel almost instantly, like this sensation of the tightness dissolving. And I realized, oh my gosh, it's not the course, it's the practice. And so I started just kind of, you know, you find something that you're like, Wow, this works for me. I love it, so I just started doing, like, a really deep dive into it, and then I got certified, and it has become such a, like, an integral part of my life. It it just helps, like the anxiety is I'm not going to ever, I don't believe I'll ever not have anxiety. I think it's part of me, but it's mostly gone. And when I feel it coming in, I'm able to take a like, take a moment think about, Oh, what am I anxious about? Is it? Is it anything, or is it just generalized? And then I can think through the thought like, what am I actually anxious about? And kind of like, you know, like, put it aside. I can't worry about that now. It's not going to help. And then breathe through the the physical side of it, and it just made, it just makes such a huge difference for me, and I, I can't believe it took me this long to recognize the physical part of our emotional sensations. So I just and it's just been incredible for me.

Elizabeth Cush  14:35

Yeah, well, and I feel like for and probably true for all women, but I feel like for highly sensitive women, because we feel all those sensory information so deeply within us, like I know, like for me, like my anxiety was always very physical, even. Though I didn't know that's what it was like. I didn't have a name, I know, as you said, like the chest tightening or headaches or irritability or whatever it might be. But yeah, yeah, I know. I've done some breath work, but also just meditation and deep breathing have been a game changer, for sure, right?

Jess Althoff  15:26

And just like recognizing the physical piece that the emotion is attached with, so that you can just sort of more be be more aware of what's happening and what you can address a couple of months ago, I a friend of mine passed away somewhat studying suddenly, and I kept having these waves of I would be, just be, you know, going about my day, cooking dinner, picking up the kids, whatever. And I would have these waves where I just felt like my breath was getting taken away, and I was lightheaded or nauseous, and I kept being like, what's going on? What's wrong with me? And then every I would be like, Oh, right. I'm grieving right now. Take that breath like, feel into it. And so my body kept feeling this, this sensation of grief before it was conscious,

Elizabeth Cush  16:26

 yes,

Jess Althoff  16:28

and it was, it was not, I mean, it wasn't nice, but it was pleasant, more pleasant than I think it could have been, because the moment that the emotion hit, I was more ready for it. I had that like, oh, oh yes, I'm grieving. And I could acknowledge it rather than it in the past, the something like that would just hit me, and I would be cooking and just sort of freeze, or my kids would be talking to me, and I would freeze and not know how to react. But I could kind of take that moment, feel it internally, and then be ready for the emotion to kind of take over and yeah, accept it a little bit better than I think I have been able to in the past.

Elizabeth Cush  17:14

Yeah, yeah. It's funny to me to like, just realize how often our bodies are speaking to us that and we're so good at sort of just charging through life and not listening. But I know, for me, you know, if I'm noticing, like the physicality of the anxiety, just as it's beginning, it's so much easier to manage and address it and be with it than, like, waiting until, you know it's time for bed and then I'm like, I can't sleep.

Jess Althoff  17:56

Spinning, yes, exactly, catching it on the up, rather than when you're up here, like, ah, totally.

Elizabeth Cush  18:04

And, yeah, and, and, and, I can, I can I feel like, I'm guessing, probably breath work. One, works on a physical like, through our nervous system, through the vagus nerve and things like that, but to giving yourself permission to slow down and be with whatever's happening. Yeah? Yeah, wow. Yep.

Jess Althoff  18:33

That that vague, that nice vagus work, the vagus nerve toning just can really Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring things down.

Elizabeth Cush  18:42

Yeah, well, and I think too, it can be cumulative. You know, as we continue to practice, it's easier to one notice what's going on, but to then be with and so you're not up here and suddenly having to manage it all, that you're kind of paying attention along the way. So it's not quite such a crisis when it hits, if it's if it's yeah, if it's coming,

Jess Althoff  19:08

that the accumulation aspect is has been the part that, for me, has been the best for my parenting. I think because when I first started getting into it, yeah, I would notice that, like I the anxiety was going, I felt peace, and the the calm would sort of last a little bit. I mean, who even knows, but I would feel at ease for 2030, minutes after most of the time, and I could go back to it, like if I would be if I was feeling irritable in a line like at Target, I could go back to it whenever I needed to. But what I noticed, maybe, I would say, maybe a year or two in, is that my kids would do things that typically would just. Like, make my skin crawl. Or, really, my older son has the tendency to think of a song or a line or a sound and repeat it over and over and over again, and I've gotten to the point where I don't notice it, and then I notice it, and immediately it's like, like, I'm so annoyed. I just, I'm like, I just want to scream at him to stop. But it's that like background noise to completely heightened, and I can handle well, he's older, so we're both getting better at it, but I've noticed that I can acknowledge it and say, just be like, Hey, you're you're doing that repeating thing again, sweetie. Like, how many times three we have to and like, we can just have a conversation about it. Instead of me being like, like, I don't. It doesn't. It's not. I don't feel myself get as tight immediately I can be. I can acknowledge it without feeling my whole body tense. And it's just something that, yes, my nervous system has calmed the rest of the time too, which is very helpful with two boys there, totally they want to push the nervous system.

Elizabeth Cush  21:28

So I may maybe I should have asked this at the beginning of the interview, but being familiar with breath work, I understand it. But there may be listeners who are like, What are they talking about? Breath work? This is like, you don't you just breathe all the time, right? I mean, yeah, so maybe give a little explanation about what, yeah, what breath work is like,

Jess Althoff  21:51

yes, that is a great question. So I have a colleague who doesn't even like calling it breath work, because it isn't work. We are breathing all the time, but most of us aren't breathing correctly, and most of us aren't using our breath in ways that are beneficial to us. So breath work, the practice is about using your breath to give you the emotion and the physical, the emotional and physical states that you're looking for. So you can use your breath to give you more energy. So in the mornings, like a quicker in out than you would normally do, and hotter breaths more forceful to kind of give you a wake up, a boost, and then, as most of us know, like a deeper, slower breath into our bellies, can give us a sense of calm, breathing deeply in through our noses and then sighing out, toning the vagus nerve, actually, using the voice on The way out, can immediately release some of our anxiety. We can use breath work for clarity. We can use it to relieve anger. It can be helpful for digestion, obviously, sleep, relaxation, different types of breath can be used for most emotions and to kind of give our get our bodies into a better state than what we are currently in, and then in the long term, it by, by giving ourselves, by stressing ourselves out by choice. Rather than allowing the world to stress us out, we expand our window of tolerance so we're more able to handle the external stressor, the external stressors that come to us. So by doing extended holds, which are uncomfortable and especially when you first begin it it it's really like you're doing it yourself. You know you can breathe at any time, but when you're in that hold, you have this sense of like, oh my gosh, my body. If this doesn't feel right, there's tension in your chest, you start feeling the tingling through your whole body. And that kind of stress is good for us. It pushes us a little bit farther, and it allows us to better handle everything else. So in the short term, it can just ease the anxiety, give you a boost, a little bit of mental clarity, but in the long run, it inevitably helps us handle the everyday stressors better, and it gives us a tool that we can reach for when we're out and about. It's not like yoga, where you know you it's obvious what you're doing, but with breath work, you can, like I said, be in the line at Target and just start. Start. Slowly, breathing really, breathing deep into your belly and counting five in, seven out with a really short hold eight, four to eight, if you need or like box, breathing in for four, hold for four. Out for full four, hold for four, and just extending it as long as your physical body. The four can be as long as you can tolerate. But these, these tools, help us instantly in the moment, but also in the long term. They just give you this ability to be more in touch with your body, to have a sense of safety in your body, where your body is a place of relaxation, of peace, of calm, and doesn't feel all of those physical symptoms associated with anxiety, stress, overwhelm, depression, irritability, all of it, however, Everybody feels them.

Elizabeth Cush  25:59

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great explanation. And amazing to me how simple most of the techniques are. I know that I often do box breathing if I am, like at night, sort of agitated, or I find I wake up and I'm having a hard time going back to sleep. It's it becomes almost meditative, you know, because you're counting and you're breathing and yeah, yeah. Helps me take my mind away from whatever it was that was circling around.

Jess Althoff  26:34

It does. And for me, meditation has always been difficult. Breath work gives me something sort of to do when I'm in that when I'm trying to clear my mind. So it's a little simpler, at least for me, because I'm usually doing some sort of counting, I have something to focus on, and it it's easier than just sitting in stillness, yeah, at

Elizabeth Cush  27:04

least for me. Oh, totally No, i That's why I love, like, I did meditations, because, like, just the quiet and, yeah, it's like, all right, I already got, like, lots of things to do, and I'm already making my lists and whatever,

Jess Althoff  27:16

exactly, exactly, 

Elizabeth Cush  27:23

oh,  goodness.  Well, I appreciate so much. Jess, you're taking the time to share some of your experience, but also about breath work here on the podcast, if listeners wanted to know more about you, potentially work with you, whatever that is, where would they find you?

Jess Althoff  27:37

So I'm at raisingslow.com and on Instagram at raising slow, and if any listeners are interested in a couple of different breath work practices, I have a calming one and an energizing one, as well as a instantaneous like Just when you're in that overwhelm moment at raising slow.com/breath practices. I think it's breath hyphen practices. And there will be a couple that you can get kind of dip your toes in on the breath work side.

Elizabeth Cush  28:17

Awesome. I will include that link in the show notes when the episode is live, and all the links to you and where to find you.

Jess Althoff  28:26

Thank you. Biz, this is great. I feel so honored to be here. I really am excited.

Elizabeth Cush  28:33

Yeah, me too. I'm excited to share it with the listeners, and I just appreciate so much you coming on. It was really great. Yes, thank you.