SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Martha Munizzi.
SPEAKER_01: And I'm Mary Alesi.
SPEAKER_01: And you are watching the Mary and Martha podcast.
SPEAKER_01: And we want to welcome you.
SPEAKER_01: We hope you're enjoying the last few episodes.
SPEAKER_01: If you've not been watching, you need to go back and watch them because we've been having a great time, right, Mary?
SPEAKER_01: We're having a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01: Just talking and sharing.
SPEAKER_01: And you know, we got a lot to say.
SPEAKER_00: If you're not watching, if you don't watch it on YouTube, which you should because we're twins, it's kind of cool.
SPEAKER_00: Um, make sure you listen to it because um we are going to expand, Martha.
SPEAKER_00: You know, we're looking to expand off of YouTube.
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: So uh where we can get into other avenues.
SPEAKER_00: I don't think we're there yet, but we are going to move to iTunes and Apple and all that.
SPEAKER_00: And is Apple and iTunes the same thing?
SPEAKER_00: Uh Apple and iTunes is different.
SPEAKER_01: All of it is different.
SPEAKER_01: There's so many different avenues, so many different places.
SPEAKER_01: And so I like to say wherever you stream, you'll be able to watch us or see us or or hear us wherever you stream.
SPEAKER_01: So I'm ready for this podcast.
SPEAKER_01: We've been talking about this one for a little bit because it's the holidays.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: And you and I are holiday junkies.
SPEAKER_01: We are like Christmas junkies.
SPEAKER_01: And I tell the people.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm gonna, I'm they don't understand.
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: Like they don't the people that know us do, but the maybe the people on the fringes on the outside, they don't realize the like there are people that are like hair junkies.
SPEAKER_01: I'm one of those two, fashion junkies, music, whatever, car junkies.
SPEAKER_01: We're like Christmas fiends.
SPEAKER_01: We love all things Christmas.
SPEAKER_01: And I think people could relate to that.
SPEAKER_01: And we love to buy a bunch of stuff and decorate.
SPEAKER_01: My house looks like every square inch there's a Christmas tree, there's garland, there's mistletoe, there's a something everywhere you look in my house.
SPEAKER_01: I just love it.
SPEAKER_01: And uh I love to decorate my whole main room and then go in my room and sit on my bed and watch TV where there's no Christmas tree.
SPEAKER_01: I don't know why I do that anyway.
SPEAKER_01: But I love it.
SPEAKER_01: I love just lights.
SPEAKER_01: I even put lights outside my house this year.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, we are just going crazy with Christmas, and we even have Christmas stores in our churches.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, like for real.
SPEAKER_01: Like it's a thing.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_00: It is a thing.
SPEAKER_00: Well, we do buy bedspreads.
SPEAKER_00: We are those people that buy Christmas bedspreads, Christmas pillows.
SPEAKER_00: It extend it extends into four corners of the house.
SPEAKER_00: It's not just a Christmas tree in the living room.
SPEAKER_00: No, it is a you could actually come and buy stuff from us.
SPEAKER_00: We have so much stuff.
SPEAKER_01: You could buy from us, and I would put in a snow machine if my husband know I would do it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_01: I would but but enough are enough, you know.
SPEAKER_01: We have to we've really got to grab hold of these weeks and these months because they go so quick.
SPEAKER_01: But I've got great memories of Christmas, and I know you do too.
SPEAKER_01: But I think we've had to make great memories, you know, even even in hard seasons.
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's something we could even talk about a little bit today for people.
SPEAKER_01: But I wanna I I wanna kind of go back and give people an understanding of, you know, Mary and Martha, we were stallings as young as our that was our maiden name, and then we married Italians, we both did crazy.
SPEAKER_01: I don't know how that happened.
SPEAKER_01: I don't either, but you married Analessi, I married a Munizi.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, their names even rhyme.
SPEAKER_01: I know it's weird.
SPEAKER_01: It's weird.
SPEAKER_01: They're very they really they're very similar, and um, we all got married young and we grew up together, and I've had so many crazy but fun, incredible experiences being married to an Italian.
SPEAKER_01: Have you?
SPEAKER_00: I've had some really crazy ones because my Italian father-in-law was married to a woman from Lobile, Alabama, so there was definitely some ragers, ragers, right?
SPEAKER_01: It just completely clashed crazy stuff, yes.
SPEAKER_01: And then my and then on my side, my husband's mom and dad, they are they are just the sweetest people, and they um both from Sicily, yeah, you know, and the whole family, huge family.
SPEAKER_01: Um, my father-in-law, there's nine siblings, you know, then all of their kids and wives and everybody.
SPEAKER_01: It's just I remember the big, like huge, and still we still do it.
SPEAKER_01: Like we're getting ready to celebrate our our Munizzi Christmas, and like 65 people are coming.
SPEAKER_00: So every year they've both passed on.
SPEAKER_00: They're they're with the Lord, but they've left that legacy of the holidays being a time for the Italian gathering, the Munizi family.
SPEAKER_00: They still get together.
SPEAKER_00: And I have a memory really quick of the first time I went to Danny's grandfather's house, I think it was.
SPEAKER_00: You guys were dating.
SPEAKER_00: We were like 17 or something, and I had to go with you because you weren't allowed to date alone.
SPEAKER_00: You couldn't be alone, so I had to go.
SPEAKER_00: And it was like kiss the ring, go in the back.
SPEAKER_00: You've got to say hello to Papa.
SPEAKER_00: And what I remember was the loudness, the fun, and the food was like the best food I'd ever had in my whole life.
SPEAKER_01: Ever had in your life?
SPEAKER_01: My my husband, Pastor Dan, my husband, wait, let me say that again.
SPEAKER_01: My husband's grandmother, my husband's grandmother was from straight from Italy, and her ability to cook was unmatched.
SPEAKER_01: And I mean, she wouldn't just now Dan would say, no, I don't think she made them homemade.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh no, she made, I mean, she would make the most amazing pasta homemade.
SPEAKER_01: And I remember, and and she passed on pretty quickly after we got married, but she made such a mark on the family, you know, and she left this legacy of great food and family and getting together.
SPEAKER_01: And so it passed down to my father-in-law and my mother-in-law, and so they would always open their home to all the family and all the kids and all, but the funny stories, like I want to make a movie, honestly, of the hilarity that would happen, the hurt feelings and the sensitivity.
SPEAKER_01: And and one year everybody would be mad and half the family wouldn't come, they're boycotting Christmas, and then then they're all back together, and now we laugh about it.
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's funny.
SPEAKER_01: Because what is Christmas without a little bit of family drama?
SPEAKER_01: Or how about a lot of family drama?
SPEAKER_01: A lot of family drama.
SPEAKER_01: It's usually where it's kind of like preserved for Christmas Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
SPEAKER_01: We preserve all of the rage baiting, you know, all of the fight.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna pick a fight.
SPEAKER_01: And I've had that with my kids.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, I spent all day cooking.
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna pick a fight onto like what are you go home?
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: Like, go home.
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
SPEAKER_01: But it is funny, and I mean, I've had to learn over the years to guard my heart, and we can talk about that, but just the fun parts of Christmas, and as you get older, you realize that those things that seem so big and so dramatic and so life-changing in the moment are really just comedy moments now.
SPEAKER_01: They're hilarious.
SPEAKER_01: When you look back on, you know, and then especially when you start reminiscing, I think about my family and all the did you guys do that?
SPEAKER_01: You guys had like different recipes that each person made that you look forward to when you get together.
SPEAKER_00: Did you have that?
SPEAKER_00: Well, our mom still talks about my mother-in-law's Italian meatloaf.
SPEAKER_00: So she she would mix not only Italian food because my father-in-law loved Italian food, but then she would also do potatoes a gratten.
SPEAKER_00: But this that was her shortcut.
SPEAKER_00: She would shortcut potatoes a grattan and she would get the stofers ones that were like dried up in a bag.
SPEAKER_00: You know, those box stofers, but they were delicious.
SPEAKER_00: They were my kids' favorite.
SPEAKER_00: So she'd make a huge casserole of those, but then everything else was homemade.
SPEAKER_00: But for some reason, those potatoes she would just get out of a box and stick it in the hot water and stick in the oven with the powdered cheese.
SPEAKER_00: But it was delicious, and we looked forward to it every year.
SPEAKER_01: And now we're like, because of TikTok, we're grating 18 cheeses.
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, that was me this year.
SPEAKER_01: We made mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_00: You can't get cheese.
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, you can't get it from a bag.
SPEAKER_00: Can't get it from a bag.
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
SPEAKER_00: You've got to grate your own.
SPEAKER_01: No, and I remember, well, speaking of mac and cheese, speaking of recipes, mac and cheese is like an art, it's a skill.
SPEAKER_01: And you don't go into it thinking you know what you're doing.
SPEAKER_01: You have to find like it is so serious.
SPEAKER_01: It is so serious.
SPEAKER_01: And this year at Christmas, like I'm making mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_01: I remember years ago we went to our cousin's house, remember on mom's side, and she made cousin Kathy made this mac and cheese that was like a work of art.
SPEAKER_01: It was the best, and I've had a lot of mac and cheese in my life.
SPEAKER_01: I've had a lot of repast after a quarter dinner made up of mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_01: If you cut me, I bleed mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I remember, I remember eating that mac and cheese, and it was so perfect.
SPEAKER_01: It was like, it was like every every bite was perfect.
SPEAKER_01: It it tasted more kind of like a souffle mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_01: It was so good.
SPEAKER_01: And we got the recipe from her, and I chased that mac and cheese high for years, and I never got it back.
SPEAKER_01: I have to this day.
SPEAKER_01: Remember, we would after that, we would go, you make it this year, you make it this year.
SPEAKER_01: And we even did like the river.
SPEAKER_01: We did it, we could never, it's like baking, I don't know what it is.
SPEAKER_01: You know, green bean casserole, I got it.
SPEAKER_01: Like that, I could do that in my sleep and make it the same way.
SPEAKER_01: I've taught my girls, my my turkey, I got that.
SPEAKER_01: But mac and cheese, it's kind of like that thing that just sits right out of way out of my reach.
SPEAKER_01: I can't quite grab it.
SPEAKER_01: And I did it this year, and it was great, but I think I overcooked it anyway.
SPEAKER_01: But I love I love those moments.
SPEAKER_01: I love, you know, even sharing like you and I over the years, the family, just the the memories.
SPEAKER_01: And then I remember growing up and or actually with I remember with my uh family, my Italian family, my mother-in-law, she made the best eggplant parmesan you've ever had.
SPEAKER_01: And that's what everybody looks forward to.
unknown: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: I remember that I remember that meal I remember from being 17 and going to Danny's grandfather's house, not really wanting to, but I was so glad I went and she had that eggplant.
SPEAKER_00: And I can remember over the years I had it a few times.
SPEAKER_00: It made no sense to me.
SPEAKER_00: I know because it didn't taste like eggplant, whatever she did.
SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing, she brought that out at Christmas too.
SPEAKER_00: But going back to mac and cheese for a second, do you know that there was a a whole thing this year on whether or not mac and cheese was supposed to be on the Thanksgiving table?
SPEAKER_00: Like the thanks that Thanksgiving was not meant for macaroni and cheese.
SPEAKER_00: Who are these people?
SPEAKER_01: They they need to be straight to jail.
SPEAKER_01: Honest to God.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's a staple.
SPEAKER_01: Now it's it probably because it's expensive to make.
SPEAKER_01: It can be very expensive to make.
SPEAKER_01: Maybe not.
SPEAKER_00: No, they said that they were raised, and this is like was on the news, okay?
SPEAKER_00: What?
SPEAKER_00: That they were raised that mac and cheese is not a Thanksgiving side.
SPEAKER_01: Well, that's too bad.
SPEAKER_00: North versus the South.
SPEAKER_01: Like we're the Hatfields and McCoys.
SPEAKER_01: Can we make that crazy?
SPEAKER_01: I think that is um not true, number one.
SPEAKER_01: And although I think we've had many seasons without it, my family probably wouldn't.
SPEAKER_01: Nathan was the one, my son was the one this year that was like, Mom, please make mac and cheese.
SPEAKER_01: But I think it's because TikTok was incessant about showing you every different type of recipe.
SPEAKER_01: Honest to God, by the time I found what I had one, I'm like, I'm making this one.
SPEAKER_01: And then I bought all the ingredients to make it.
SPEAKER_01: And I started the night before.
SPEAKER_01: I was so nervous.
SPEAKER_01: You know, I got a great threat, the gouda, the parmesan, the mozzarella, the Colby Jack, the sharp cheddar, all that.
SPEAKER_01: And then as I'm putting it all together, I'm like, oh God, please don't let me overcook the noodles or overcook, you know, all of these.
SPEAKER_01: Let me do it right.
SPEAKER_01: And then by that morning, as I'm assembling it, as I'm scrolling looking for the original recipe, there's 10 more recipes to choose from.
SPEAKER_01: You don't need an egg, you don't need to make a roux.
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm like, oh God, I don't know what I'm doing.
SPEAKER_00: I know.
SPEAKER_00: So scary.
SPEAKER_00: And you panic over Mac and Cheese.
SPEAKER_00: Well, I can give you one ingredient that will always make it taste great no matter what.
SPEAKER_00: Tell me.
SPEAKER_00: Bacon.
SPEAKER_00: Ooh.
SPEAKER_00: Just throw some bacon in there.
SPEAKER_00: And I don't care if it's dry, I don't care if you left cheese out, you just throw some bacon in there, and everybody loves it.
SPEAKER_00: But we had a, we, I know your food turned out great because you're a great cook.
SPEAKER_00: But we had a slight catastrophe this Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you have to tell.
SPEAKER_00: Well, we worked it out.
SPEAKER_00: We worked it out, but it was one of those kitchen things where I really could have lost it and yelled at Gabby because we I had bought all the ingredients.
SPEAKER_00: And you know, in the South you use condensed either mushroom soup, like cream of celery or cream of mushroom, cream of chicken.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: Well, in Georgia, where we celebrate, the cream of celery is always out of stock.
SPEAKER_00: Always because I think cream cream of mushroom is doesn't taste as good as cream of celery.
SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a darker, denser thing.
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, our listeners don't care.
SPEAKER_00: So I had four cans of cream of celery that needed to stretch for mom's stuffing, my green bean casserole, and the broccoli casserole.
SPEAKER_00: And so Gabby said the night before we were prepping, and she goes, I'll help.
SPEAKER_00: Do I just throw everything in this one?
SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yes.
SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
SPEAKER_00: She took all the cream of celery, all three cans, and dumped it in one big pan and then all the green beans.
SPEAKER_00: So she didn't realize, because she hadn't helped me with that one, that you have to just one can and you dilute.
SPEAKER_00: And so mom's standing next to me and she goes, Do you have enough cream of celery for me?
SPEAKER_00: I went, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00: And I said, I have enough also for my broccoli.
SPEAKER_00: And Gabby goes, Mom, mom, you told me to throw it all in this one.
SPEAKER_00: I went, I did not.
SPEAKER_00: And of course, the girls all lunched on me.
SPEAKER_00: Yes, you did.
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my God.
SPEAKER_00: So we had to get a strainer out and strain off the green beans and shake out the cream of celery.
SPEAKER_00: It was crazy.
SPEAKER_01: Well, Mary, I love you, but that's a parenting fail.
SPEAKER_01: It was.
SPEAKER_01: It was your girls are old enough, they should have already been making the green bean casserole for years.
SPEAKER_01: As a matter of fact, I'm a complete hypocrite because I had to, I wanted to make sure Nicole got it right.
SPEAKER_01: So I stayed right with her on that one.
SPEAKER_01: So this year, but I passed on my knowledge of green bean casserole.
SPEAKER_01: So I don't have to worry about that anymore.
SPEAKER_01: They've got it.
SPEAKER_01: This year was a defining year of passing things on to the next generation for me.
SPEAKER_01: And I was able to see you.
SPEAKER_01: I know, I'm very proud.
SPEAKER_01: Um, I didn't get mom stuffing this year because you had mom for Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you missed it.
SPEAKER_01: So I didn't have her.
SPEAKER_01: I know, I know, but she had some left and frozen or something, and we got the frozen, but it was so good.
SPEAKER_01: I've got crazy moments like that.
SPEAKER_01: I remember one time I made the turkey and I, because you're you're your Melody is the one who told me.
SPEAKER_01: Melody is the one who from your church, she's gave me the recipe like 15 years ago of how to make my turkey.
SPEAKER_01: And I started making it that way.
SPEAKER_01: And I've made it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, she's an amazing cook.
SPEAKER_00: She's amazing.
SPEAKER_01: Incredible.
SPEAKER_01: So I've been making them the turkey.
SPEAKER_01: So like now the turkey making is on me.
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody else like if that's your job now, that's my job now, is now I make the turkey.
SPEAKER_01: And I'd love it because I'd rather make the turkey and it turned out the way I want.
SPEAKER_01: But I remember when I first started making the turkey, mom was insistent that I have to carve the turkey with an electric carver.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I didn't have that.
SPEAKER_01: So she always mary, this was 15 years ago.
SPEAKER_01: She still brought this year, she brought the same electric knife to my house.
SPEAKER_01: I turn it on, both blades go flying in two different directions.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, dear God, I'm gonna kill get killed over this door.
SPEAKER_01: I'll be killed.
SPEAKER_01: So I just get out one of my serrated steak knives.
SPEAKER_01: Like, whatever, it worked.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but 15 years ago, well, maybe, maybe 12 years ago, she brought, it was new at the time, and she brought the knife over.
SPEAKER_01: And I made the turkey in like one of those aluminum foil pans.
SPEAKER_01: It was thick, and you put lots of you know, juice, and then when you pull um that turkey out, it's so hot, and I put it on my little island, and it had all this, you know, chicken stock in there and the juices and everything, and I'm all excited, it smells amazing.
SPEAKER_01: So I get that electric no uh knife and I go real.
SPEAKER_01: I all of a sudden, as I'm I'm cutting, I'm so excited, I'm looking around, I start feeling this drip of hot, steaming chicken juice on my feet.
SPEAKER_01: I'm see it's dropping, it's splattering.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's going on?
SPEAKER_01: And I had actually ran that electric knife right through the aluminum pan.
SPEAKER_01: And now I have a river of chicken broth going everywhere, and it's so hot and turkey and and I'm like, well, it was chicken broth.
SPEAKER_01: I guess it should have made turkey broth.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, but anyway, you use chicken broth in your tooth.
SPEAKER_01: Got it, my bad.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, and so I everything, and what was a mix now of turkey and chicken.
SPEAKER_01: And so I am racing, I'm trying to clean it up, I'm trying to save it, I'm trying to, and there's nothing that that's that that is that big that I can actually put it on top.
SPEAKER_01: That was a fiasco.
SPEAKER_01: So now I have this fear that I'm gonna do that again.
SPEAKER_01: So every time I that's the one thing I make sure if you're gonna help me carve the turkey, don't run the knife through the electric no.
SPEAKER_00: I don't even like electric knives.
SPEAKER_00: And mom is like incessant, you need an electric knife.
SPEAKER_00: You need I'm like, no, I don't.
SPEAKER_01: That's how you cut your finger off.
SPEAKER_01: No, I don't want that.
SPEAKER_01: I know.
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, just that's how you have a disaster.
SPEAKER_00: A total disaster.
SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a I remember back to broccoli casserole that years ago when we started contributing and bringing food to my mother-in-law's house at Christmas.
SPEAKER_00: Because for years she, like you, she did all the cooking.
SPEAKER_00: And then once we start having kids, it's like, okay, I'm not cooking everything.
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do the turkey, I'm gonna do the ham, I'm gonna do the this, that.
SPEAKER_00: Everybody bring aside.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: So I decided I would be the person that did the broccoli casserole.
SPEAKER_00: It's always been my thing, broccoli casserole.
SPEAKER_00: And most of the time I did it good.
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what happened this particular year, but it was a fail.
SPEAKER_00: And I just want to say this to all you uh mothers out there who have daughter-in-laws and it's new to you.
SPEAKER_00: Give them a chance.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, give them a couple years to get it right.
SPEAKER_00: Teach, teach them, teach, teach.
SPEAKER_00: Don't assign them the broccoli casserole.
SPEAKER_00: And if they fail to cook the broccoli completely to tender, take it back.
SPEAKER_00: Don't take it back.
SPEAKER_00: These memories can last forever.
SPEAKER_01: The broken pieces of their heart can last.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, God.
SPEAKER_01: The resentment can last a long time.
SPEAKER_01: No.
SPEAKER_00: Make them do it till they get it right.
SPEAKER_00: Set them up to win.
SPEAKER_00: That's what I say.
SPEAKER_00: Come on, give them a recipe.
SPEAKER_00: Teach them.
SPEAKER_00: So I get there, and evidently I just did not cook the broccoli long enough.
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what was happening.
SPEAKER_00: My mother-in-law had every right to look at me and go, what happened?
SPEAKER_00: Should every right.
SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know that I have anywhere near the patience and kindness she had towards me.
SPEAKER_00: Because you know, those sides are important.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta get it right.
SPEAKER_00: You're every kid.
SPEAKER_00: It's once a year.
SPEAKER_00: It's the food.
SPEAKER_00: You gotta get it right.
SPEAKER_00: It's right.
SPEAKER_00: And I brought it.
SPEAKER_00: How I managed to bring a cooked casserole with raw broccoli in it.
SPEAKER_00: Only, only God knows.
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I did that, but I did manage to do it.
SPEAKER_00: I must have been exhausted from all the kids, and I was sleepless, and I didn't boil the broccoli enough.
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
SPEAKER_00: But I just remember standing there in the kitchen and she's trying to cut that broccoli.
SPEAKER_00: And I mean, it is just barely cooked.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: Looking at me like, did you do just throw raw broccoli in with celery soup and cheese and throw it?
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00: But thank God she gave me another chance the next year.
SPEAKER_00: And what's funny is I made a I made a determination until this last uh Thanksgiving that it was gonna be the best.
SPEAKER_00: I was never gonna do that again.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: So I do make a mean broccoli casserole.
SPEAKER_01: That's you do.
SPEAKER_01: You're a great cook too.
SPEAKER_01: You do.
SPEAKER_01: You do steaks very well, you do everything.
SPEAKER_01: You're a great cook.
SPEAKER_01: And I love that we've taught our kids over the years.
SPEAKER_01: And I love the I'm grateful now with social media, cooking is has such a resurgence.
SPEAKER_01: I can hardly find ingredients that I need at my local store because everybody's cooking, everybody's trying new things, and it's it really has brought just that family, friend, do-it-yourself environment back, which I love that.
SPEAKER_00: What's fun is, and hopefully she won't listen to this, but mom, how funny mom has gotten in the kitchen.
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00: Because I noticed this Thanksgiving, and probably I didn't have her last year, you did, but this year she was with me.
SPEAKER_00: Um she likes to be repetitive about the recipes.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And it's like she gets stuck in a loop.
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, mom, if you listen to this.
SPEAKER_00: We love you most.
SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
SPEAKER_00: I will do this.
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do the same thing.
SPEAKER_00: We're on our way.
SPEAKER_00: We're on our way to that.
SPEAKER_00: It's it's one of those things where I'll be making something and she'll go, um, you know, you really should use butter instead of oil.
SPEAKER_00: Well, my I've already made it.
SPEAKER_00: It's done.
SPEAKER_00: It's in the oven.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And it's like an underhanded criticism, just a slight little, what'd you do it that way for?
SPEAKER_00: But oh, well, I wouldn't do it that way.
SPEAKER_00: Well, the way we used to do it, and she wasn't always that way, but I think because we've only got her making one dish, we need to we need to load her up with some more dishes, Martha.
SPEAKER_01: No, okay, so listen, we had our dream team party of all of our volunteers, about 35 of us at my house this week.
SPEAKER_01: And mom made this delicious ham.
SPEAKER_01: She listen, when mom shows up at the house to help you put the finishing touches in, she's she made collard greens, she made ham, and she made one other thing.
SPEAKER_01: And she's 84.
SPEAKER_01: 84, and everybody went crazy over her food.
SPEAKER_01: She made one other thing.
SPEAKER_01: I can't remember what it was.
SPEAKER_01: And then when she walks in, I'm like, okay, good, we got this.
SPEAKER_01: Like, mom's gonna help me get the turkey out.
SPEAKER_01: Mom's gonna help me make sure the gravy's right.
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's this feeling of okay, the expert has arrived, you know.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's kind of how I feel when she shows up.
SPEAKER_01: And I I want to be that way for my Kids.
SPEAKER_01: I want them to feel that way.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, mom, what do I do?
SPEAKER_01: I think they kind of already do.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but they're taking on their own identity in the kitchen.
SPEAKER_01: Nathan, my son, he'll kick me right out.
SPEAKER_01: I got this mom.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, he's just like, oh, he's in there and and fix it, you know, grilling and fix.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, all right, Boggle sit on the couch, which I love that.
SPEAKER_01: I'm grateful I passed that on.
SPEAKER_01: Um, but mom brings this feeling.
SPEAKER_01: Well, if she's made like if you didn't really give her something to make, then she starts to kind of look at what's yeah.
SPEAKER_01: But if you give her a lot to do, she'll come in like she's the host of the party and put this there, put that and and bark in orders.
SPEAKER_01: And I love that for the most part.
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is orders.
SPEAKER_01: But I love that because I know, okay, here we go.
SPEAKER_01: We've got it.
SPEAKER_01: And she'll just start, Danielle, put that there.
SPEAKER_01: Nicole, put that there.
SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
SPEAKER_01: She still has that ability to run the show, and you feel like, okay, you know, the party planner who's got years of experience of when to put something out, what to put, how do we fix it?
SPEAKER_01: And then salvaging, my mother can salvage a mess.
SPEAKER_01: Like the biggest mistake.
SPEAKER_01: She can.
SPEAKER_01: If you put too much something into something, she has the trick to save it.
SPEAKER_01: It's unbelievable.
SPEAKER_00: She does.
SPEAKER_00: Now, I will say that we had a situation like that, and she came to the rescue.
SPEAKER_00: We oversalted something.
SPEAKER_00: Nope.
SPEAKER_00: All you got to do is she can make um a miracle out of a mess.
SPEAKER_00: She can.
SPEAKER_00: She absolutely can.
SPEAKER_00: It's ruined, order pizza.
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00: We got to do it.
SPEAKER_00: You know, if we tie this into something significant rather than just talking about our circumstances, which people love to hear us talk.
SPEAKER_00: Well, there's something about that that is so godly that if we were gonna talk to any young people or or even young uh young moms, the the burden of cooking and having all of that on you and having it at your house is really your greatest blessing if you have the right perspective about it.
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: And one thing about our mom is that she always had the right perspective because she knew we would all gather around her banqueting table.
SPEAKER_00: And it would bring her family around her.
SPEAKER_00: And as you get older, Martha, we say this all the time, that's where our value really lies.
SPEAKER_00: It's in our children and in their spouses and bringing our family together.
SPEAKER_00: And food does it.
SPEAKER_00: Dad used to joke all the time, man, food really makes a meal, doesn't it?
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: It was like his big joke.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, food really makes moments in the family so special.
SPEAKER_00: It really does.
SPEAKER_00: And even if the food's not perfect, everybody getting in the kitchen and contributing, and you make this recipe, and you make that recipe, and you bringing it to the house, all of that, it just creates something that I don't think we should minimize ever.
SPEAKER_00: It's so much bigger than we realize.
SPEAKER_00: What it does for the family.
SPEAKER_01: And I think we've got to let go of the expectation of perfection and really focus on the idea that other people contributed.
SPEAKER_01: And that's what it made it fun for them.
SPEAKER_01: And if we're honest, if I'm being honest, there's times that I want this to be perfect, and that's got to be perfect.
SPEAKER_01: And that so I'm like, just get out, I got it, and then resent that nobody's helping.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_01: And well, that's not how it works.
SPEAKER_01: So even this year, with new people coming to the to the to our, you know, we have to open our doors and and have more people that come and and more family members, extended family members that have never come to our Thanksgiving before, and potential extended family.
SPEAKER_01: It's like, you know what?
SPEAKER_01: You bring whatever you like.
SPEAKER_01: Well, what do you want me to make this year?
SPEAKER_01: Whatever you love for Thanksgiving, we'll love for Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
SPEAKER_01: And what that's honestly, and then give everybody an assignment and then let them let them run with it.
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm making this.
SPEAKER_01: Without control.
SPEAKER_01: I made a I made a um in a recipe.
SPEAKER_01: Here's our menu.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the menu.
SPEAKER_01: And I put a bunch of question marks.
SPEAKER_01: I put names by who I thought was bringing something, and then I'd say, do we need the corn casserole?
SPEAKER_01: Who wants to make that?
SPEAKER_01: Do we need this?
SPEAKER_01: Do we need that?
SPEAKER_01: And then I said, add whatever you want to this and bring whatever you want.
SPEAKER_01: And it just brought clarity to people.
SPEAKER_01: And I knew that the things that I was managing and the things I was cooking, that was my wheelhouse.
SPEAKER_01: Everything else, I don't care because I got the turkey, you know, I got the ham, I got the mac and cheese, and I got the green bean casserole.
SPEAKER_01: Everything else you guys bring.
SPEAKER_01: And it brought so much uh unity in the room.
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, and everybody came excited about what they brought, you know.
SPEAKER_00: And we talked about it too.
SPEAKER_00: Who's the man who made the stuffing?
SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, it's amazing.
SPEAKER_00: I did, or you made the broccoli cheese.
SPEAKER_00: It was me.
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00: And it just adds to the fun and the festivities.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and then no one's standing on the sidelines going, I didn't make it, or I moved, I screwed that up, or like, or whatever.
SPEAKER_01: It it builds relationship.
SPEAKER_01: But if sometimes we think it's other people that are ruining Thanksgiving, and it could be our way too high expectation of everybody, or trying to do too much, you know, the the and taking on too much for Thanksgiving, and then, you know, trying to manage it, trying to control it all, and then we don't even enjoy it.
SPEAKER_00: Well, there's some people that can't that that can't um open their home.
SPEAKER_00: There are some women that can't open their home, and they set the expectation of the bar so high for perfection that they can't enjoy it themselves.
SPEAKER_00: And then you start operating in micromanaging or controlling because you want it perfect.
SPEAKER_00: And it's not about, I'm just so happy y'all are here.
SPEAKER_00: The turkey is burned.
SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna sit around and talk about the term.
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I remember the time we we almost burnt the house down with a fried turkey.
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
SPEAKER_00: But we still ate, we just didn't eat that turkey.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: But think of the story.
SPEAKER_00: Steve and I have sat in this podcast booth and told that story probably five times.
SPEAKER_00: I love that story.
SPEAKER_00: It was the best story ever, and it it it gave us something to talk about.
SPEAKER_00: But if we look at these holiday times together, and you know, we're still we've still got the big day, which is Christmas.
SPEAKER_00: And think about it, everybody has to split Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Christmas night.
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we have people in our church and our staff that for Thanksgiving Day had two Thanksgiving lunches that they had to that they had to host.
SPEAKER_00: I know.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_00: If you don't have a whatever happens, happens.
SPEAKER_00: We just need to be together.
SPEAKER_00: If the food's not perfect, it does not matter.
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna do the best we can, but we're just gonna enjoy one another.
SPEAKER_00: And you move into micromanaging and control.
SPEAKER_00: Well, you just ruin an opportunity to pass on a fun environment and you just pass stress on to the children.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: It's so important to have the right mindset around the holidays.
SPEAKER_01: It really is.
SPEAKER_01: And that's going back, you know, again, through the decades when I was young, younger, um, and growing up and and having to blend, you know, with Dan's family and you know, all the different in-laws and all that, all those things, everybody bringing something and uh and feeling criticized or feeling insecure.
SPEAKER_01: It's silly now when I look back, but I realize how those moments can really be damaging and make an impact that can last a long time.
SPEAKER_01: And that's right.
SPEAKER_01: And you're and they it's kind of like death by a thousand cuts, you know.
SPEAKER_01: You you don't know when was that moment that we all turned on each other?
SPEAKER_01: When was that moment that we all had all this resentment towards each other?
SPEAKER_01: And it really was just an accumulation of these little things.
SPEAKER_01: And but it takes things, little things, but it takes parents, it takes matriarchs, patriarchs, people that are at the top saying, wait, no, this is how it's gonna look.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, baby, what do you want to do for Thanksgiving?
SPEAKER_01: Instead of it's gotta look my way.
SPEAKER_01: And I really do think we cause ourselves a lot more pain, and we really are the cause sometimes of the conflict, and we don't even realize it.
SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, you burnt the turkey.
SPEAKER_01: We put that turkey in the um the oil, it overflowed and exploded, and it's hilarious now, but it was really scary then, and you're mad, you're like, who did this?
SPEAKER_01: Why didn't we figure it out?
SPEAKER_01: But mom, being the the saver she is, she had already put another turkey in the oven.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: She was like, right?
SPEAKER_01: You you fry that one.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna, I'm gonna bake this one.
SPEAKER_01: And she always keeps this happy joy, like it's gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be, don't worry about it, sweetie.
SPEAKER_01: Come on, let's get in there and make it happen.
SPEAKER_01: And I I love that about her.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that about her because there's not a lot of people that are like that.
SPEAKER_01: And I strive to be that way.
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's all gonna be good.
SPEAKER_01: You know, all right, well, we'll just run to the store real quick and we'll figure it out.
SPEAKER_01: And so that everybody feels safe and they don't feel judged or it's the one, it's the one day I believe the devil would love to completely rob us of and steal from us because here we are trying to do what?
SPEAKER_01: We're trying to be thankful.
SPEAKER_01: You know what's funny?
SPEAKER_01: Um, a few several years ago, I tell I told this story when I was speaking the other day how we sat down and ate this entire Thanksgiving meal.
SPEAKER_01: You, your family, Marveline's family, mom, all of us, kids were little.
SPEAKER_01: We had made this feast for Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: Sat down, ate the whole thing, pushed our plates back, undid our pants, sat back, started talking, realized we did not pray for the meal.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01: We did not stop and say thank you.
SPEAKER_01: Well, we we felt like we're going to hell.
SPEAKER_01: Like this is Jesus comes back, we're not going.
SPEAKER_01: You know, this of all the days you're supposed to pray, this is the one you're supposed to.
SPEAKER_01: And so I told that story, and people laugh and like, and it the whole point was remember to be thankful.
SPEAKER_01: Remember, you know, we remember the turkey, we remember the stuffing, but do we remember to be thankful?
SPEAKER_01: Doggone it, this Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
SPEAKER_01: We prayed, but I was in such a hurry because I had been working so hard.
SPEAKER_01: I was, I was like, giving my husband the like, okay, pray quick, pray quick.
SPEAKER_01: It's like it's Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: We get all the way through Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: People leave and go home.
SPEAKER_01: The next day, Nathan comes over and says, Hey, so his girlfriend's mom and dad came and they were like, So are we gonna stop and say what we're thankful for at some point today?
unknown: Oh my god, what?
SPEAKER_01: Because yeah, we they kept waiting to see when we were gonna stop and say what we're thankful for.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why didn't you bring it up?
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I was I again, it can happen to anybody and everybody.
SPEAKER_01: And we've it's just being focused and being reminding ourselves what matters the most.
SPEAKER_01: Is it perfect food?
SPEAKER_01: You know, or is it being together?
SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, it's funny we both had we're moving into a new season of our lives where your son has a significant other, he'll probably marry her and and has her in-laws over, your future in-laws over.
SPEAKER_00: Um for us, we had a new son-in-law along with our other son-in-law and daughter-in-law, and then a fiance-in-law.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And so we were all there together.
SPEAKER_00: And what's interesting on in our family is that our kids, all four, have married Hispanics.
SPEAKER_00: All four have married Hispanics.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: So now they're being introduced to the Southern way of doing Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And at first, I could have gotten my feelings hurt that they weren't excited about the mac and cheese, the broccoli casserole, the green bean casserole, the stuffing, all the stuff that quite frankly, they never had.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: They didn't grow up with it.
SPEAKER_00: And they weren't jumping up and down getting all excited.
SPEAKER_00: So I wasn't sure, and I'm trying to read their faces.
SPEAKER_00: Their spouses are trying to read their faces.
SPEAKER_00: I was, I, you know, I don't know how Thanksgiving starts for you, but for us, it starts with a Thanksgiving Day parade.
SPEAKER_00: Of course.
SPEAKER_00: So I'm already feeling the stress of we got to get the turkey in, we got to get the turkey in, we got to get the turkey in.
SPEAKER_00: And they're all sitting around eating cinnamon buns in their pajamas, watching the, okay, whatever.
SPEAKER_00: And so then after that, the football game starts.
SPEAKER_00: So once the football games start, all the guys, they're in the living room watching the game and we're still in the kitchen cooking.
SPEAKER_00: And one thing that I determined I was never gonna do was make Thanksgiving a day where I got focused on me and where I needed help.
SPEAKER_00: Because the minute you get in that mode, the day of, you're gonna end up in a bad attitude with a bad mood.
SPEAKER_00: It's just and it's gonna be ruined for you, who you know, we are the hosts.
SPEAKER_00: I wanted it this way.
SPEAKER_00: Our husbands have said many times, just cater.
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: And we refuse to do it.
SPEAKER_00: Why?
SPEAKER_01: Because we want no, I take that as an insult.
SPEAKER_01: I do too.
SPEAKER_01: I take that how dare you even suggest.
SPEAKER_01: Although we did it one time.
SPEAKER_01: We did, remember, we brought the chef in that one time a few years ago.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that was great.
SPEAKER_01: It was phenomenal.
SPEAKER_01: I loved it.
SPEAKER_00: Well, as the family's getting bigger, I'm actually contemplating that.
SPEAKER_00: Maybe just a few things.
SPEAKER_00: But but my point is there are times where you have to stop and think about what's the most important thing.
SPEAKER_00: It's not the perfect food.
SPEAKER_00: It is not the perfect time we're gonna eat.
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: It's not your expectations, they are not the most important thing.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's there, everybody's happy, everybody's fed.
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, you do have to start deciding um what is the most important thing to me on this day.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: Because it's so easy, you know, people tease us we're Mary and Martha, but it is so easy to get into a Martha mentality on Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_00: It's very true.
SPEAKER_00: You miss the most important thing.
SPEAKER_00: You said it.
SPEAKER_00: We didn't even say what we're thankful for.
SPEAKER_00: I know.
SPEAKER_00: And I was so distracted with do these guys like Southern food?
SPEAKER_00: How dare they not like Southern food?
SPEAKER_00: Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's an American culture anyway.
SPEAKER_00: So it's, you know, you think the pilgrims didn't have mac and cheese?
SPEAKER_00: Of course they did, you know.
SPEAKER_00: So I'm thinking they have stuffing, obviously.
SPEAKER_00: And corn, of course.
SPEAKER_00: So I'm so of course, it's so easy to start thinking very um close to the chest and being sensitive.
SPEAKER_00: The and oh the only reason is is because you've taken on too much and you're tired.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: I don't cook like that any other day of the year.
SPEAKER_00: No, no.
SPEAKER_00: So it's it's important, and for those who are ladies who are listening, uh, as if you want your hair to look good and to have your eyelashes on Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, and all you've got going on, maybe you need to start planning now, not to set your expectations so high.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: To make those perfect recipes and those perfect desserts and that perfect setting in your home.
SPEAKER_00: Just chill and enjoy the holiday.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because when it's that's so good because when it's all, you know, years have gone by.
SPEAKER_01: I I look back and I think about the memories that really stuck.
SPEAKER_01: It's not the the funny things are are funny, but the things that really impacted me and I want to pass down are memories that that my kids still have, like my mother-in-law's the most amazing eggplant parmesan, and she'd make chicken parmesan, and then Uncle Jimmy's baked ziti, you know, and then Aunt Donna's ham that she would bring every year.
SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, Susie would bring her uh mashed potatoes, you know, or Joni, her in the best broccoli cheese casserole ever.
SPEAKER_01: And it was always exactly perfect.
SPEAKER_01: And her cookies, my Aunt Joni, my my sister-in-law Joni makes the best cookies.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it just becomes the staple.
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I dropped something.
SPEAKER_01: It just becomes the staple.
SPEAKER_01: It just becomes this memory of things you just start to cherish.
SPEAKER_01: And we can't let the enemy or anybody rob that from us.
SPEAKER_01: Like you're you're building something.
SPEAKER_01: Maybe you'll have two or three Thanksgivings or Christmases that don't go your way and and maybe frustrate you or leave you a little depressed.
SPEAKER_01: I promise you won't remember it.
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
SPEAKER_01: You won't remember it.
SPEAKER_01: Just set your attention or your expectation on the next one.
SPEAKER_01: For me, we've had to teach our kids that because we've traveled so much, that your your birthday may not be on your birthday, but we're gonna do something great.
SPEAKER_01: You know, that's right.
SPEAKER_01: Christmas may have to move a little bit and shift a little bit.
SPEAKER_01: We may have it the day before because we're flying out, you know, or Thanksgiving, we may have to split it up.
SPEAKER_01: And we've learned that over the years, and then we've adjusted our expectations to say it's just gonna look different this year, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
SPEAKER_01: It'll be it's it's gonna change, it's not gonna be this way forever.
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, if I could go back and fix any of it, that's what I would do.
SPEAKER_01: I would, I would not have such this hard line of expectation.
SPEAKER_01: It's gotta be this way, or it was ruined, or it wasn't Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_01: And it's just not the case.
SPEAKER_01: And and don't do that to yourself.
SPEAKER_01: Just release it, let it go.
SPEAKER_01: Enjoy the moments that you have, control the controllables.
SPEAKER_01: That's all you can really do.
SPEAKER_00: That's really good.
SPEAKER_00: Because you know, Martha, uh, as you were saying that I had this image, you will get down the road of your life and you will want to look back.
SPEAKER_00: And if you look back and you don't have a whole lot to look at because it got all scattered and obliterated over one holiday season, which happens.
SPEAKER_00: Families get into big arguments over the holidays.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't know if you know this, but Oprah just did a whole show on the um the fact the high percentages of parents who are estranged from their adult kids.
SPEAKER_00: Did you know that that's like a major issue right now?
SPEAKER_00: It is.
SPEAKER_01: And quick, quick note to that.
SPEAKER_01: Did you know that people are saying that she's the one who actually created the estrangement?
SPEAKER_01: Because 15, 20 years ago on her show, she was doing series about how boundaries and that you that it's okay to cut your family off.
SPEAKER_01: And they're they're showing clips of her previous shows of how that she really kind of pushed that.
SPEAKER_01: And now all these years later, she's coming around like, can you believe all these families are completely estranged?
SPEAKER_01: Just interesting though.
SPEAKER_01: It is very sad.
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure the word's getting back to her that she's getting blamed.
SPEAKER_00: But she is doing a show and she's interviewing different people that are in their 40s and saying they haven't spoken to or seen their parents in two years.
SPEAKER_00: And here's what we know in our 50s.
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna regret that.
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: So if you don't go into the holidays with a sense of it isn't all about me, it is about the gathering of the family.
SPEAKER_00: What's the most important thing?
SPEAKER_00: That we come together as a family, blood relatives, extended family who married into this family.
SPEAKER_00: Somebody, all it takes is one, has to have the right perspective to preserve that.
SPEAKER_00: Yes, make it about the food.
SPEAKER_00: Make it about other people, make it easy on your family.
SPEAKER_00: Don't make it hard.
SPEAKER_00: If there's always drama, then find out why there is always drama and kill it.
SPEAKER_00: Because you will look back and you will regret that you made it something it wasn't.
SPEAKER_00: You had wrong expectations.
SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, I know this might sound morbid, but who's gonna show up for you when you're sick?
SPEAKER_00: Who's gonna show up for you at your funeral?
SPEAKER_00: Who's gonna be there?
SPEAKER_00: Your family.
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
SPEAKER_00: And the holidays are a time to preserve that once a year.
SPEAKER_00: We can't get it together once a year.
SPEAKER_01: You have to preserve it.
SPEAKER_01: You have to guard it.
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
SPEAKER_01: You know, and then being aware of the other personalities in your family and being sensitive to other experiences that are happening that you may not even be aware of.
SPEAKER_01: I remember back uh earlier on this year, we did a photo shoot and we flew to Nashville, and I hired a team to come in and work with me and help me with styling and hair and makeup.
SPEAKER_01: And I had not really done anything that big to that degree in a while.
SPEAKER_01: And I so I work with people that I had never worked with before.
SPEAKER_01: And a young woman came in who was helping me with the clothes, and she was really carrying a lot of the weight of the look of the photo shoot and all this, and uh, but she'd never worked with me before, and I'm very hands-on, you know.
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm probably the easiest person to work with, like, do it, figure it out.
SPEAKER_01: What do you?
SPEAKER_01: But I also have a vision.
SPEAKER_01: I also know, you know, I brought in a lot of my own clothes and I had my own ideas, and she was more used to working with people that are kind of like a blank slate, I would think.
SPEAKER_01: And so she came in and and we we all had a great time.
SPEAKER_01: She worked with Danielle Nicole.
SPEAKER_01: It was fun, she was incredible, it was amazing.
SPEAKER_01: And the next day she said, you know, when I first started came in, when I came in to work with you, I didn't really know you, I'd never worked with you before, but I'm very type A.
SPEAKER_01: And I have this situation in my life that I have to be in control.
SPEAKER_01: And if I'm not, I get really frustrated.
SPEAKER_01: And I had to stop and go call my friend and say, Hey, you know, I have a vision and the vision is changing because you've got, you know, Danielle Nicole and myself that want things to be a little different.
SPEAKER_01: We're not even thinking about, we're not even thinking.
SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking, I'm, I know the shot I want to get.
SPEAKER_01: I know the money that I've spent.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not thinking about her.
SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking more about she's there to assist me.
SPEAKER_01: And her friend said, Well, you know, this is the area you've been, you gotta let this go.
SPEAKER_01: You gotta let it go.
SPEAKER_01: And she said, she had tears in her eyes and she said, I am so thankful that I just let it go.
SPEAKER_01: I would have missed out on connecting in the relationship that we have 24 hours later.
SPEAKER_01: I would have missed out.
SPEAKER_01: I'm kind of paraphrasing, but and she said, I realized I came in with my type A.
SPEAKER_01: It's gotta be my way.
SPEAKER_01: And I thought, I'm that way in certain circumstances too.
SPEAKER_01: And I've had to learn.
SPEAKER_01: Now I'm not that way naturally across the board, but I have moments where don't mess with it.
SPEAKER_01: I know what I want, you know.
SPEAKER_01: But some people, that's how they are with everything.
SPEAKER_01: And we've got to be aware of that.
SPEAKER_01: And you're but what really stood out to me is she said, had I not let it go, I probably would have caused problems.
SPEAKER_01: Like I would have taken some things more sensitively that I andor even added a narrative to it that wasn't even there.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know, and I'm like, she realized after you're the most easy going, you know, go for it.
SPEAKER_01: But in the initially, it didn't feel that way.
SPEAKER_01: Initially, it felt like, you know, I'm not gonna be able to have my Vision here because the client knows what they want.
SPEAKER_01: Now my vision's got to take a back seat.
SPEAKER_01: And she realized, well, that's the way it's got to be.
SPEAKER_01: And she said, I learned.
SPEAKER_01: I learned from you because I I relaxed.
SPEAKER_01: I said, Well, I learned from you.
SPEAKER_01: Are you the whole time I'm thinking, I'm letting her do her thing.
SPEAKER_01: I'm just going to sit here and let her do.
SPEAKER_01: And but her expectation coming in was, you know, she was taking a few things that were said or done and inflating it a little bit in her mind because we're nervous.
SPEAKER_01: And it's, and I think that's so easy to do.
SPEAKER_01: It's so easy to do.
SPEAKER_01: As you get older, you stop caring so much.
SPEAKER_01: You just kind of like, eh, it's not that deep.
SPEAKER_01: But when you're younger, things like that are deep.
SPEAKER_01: You know, you want to make your mark.
SPEAKER_01: You want to, you want to make a good impression.
SPEAKER_01: You want to be well, sometimes it's better to just let some of that stuff go and learn and and grow and be open to family members and doing it differently.
SPEAKER_01: And I don't know.
SPEAKER_01: I I think this is great advice for people if they'll listen, that it will make a huge difference in your encounters with family and it will impact you for years to come.
SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're if you're looking at your holidays with nerves and it you're already frustrated going into it, you need to stop and process and uh check into some self-awareness.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: Is there a control issue here?
SPEAKER_00: Is it on my side?
SPEAKER_00: So what the story you just told is so good because she had to prep for you all the things that she loves to do.
SPEAKER_00: What she, you know, she came at it with a mindset of, I'm bringing this to the table.
SPEAKER_00: I'm in control.
SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, hey, you know what?
SPEAKER_00: This is something I love to do.
SPEAKER_00: I'm taking the lead on, she's hired me, I'm gonna do it.
SPEAKER_00: But let me just, maturity says, back up and see where she's at and ask questions.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And I think that there is a difference between being controlling and taking control.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: So if we go into it being controlling, then we're gonna have drama because we don't like that.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: So if you go into the holiday with a controlling, I it's gotta be this way, it's gotta be at my house, the food's gotta be this way.
SPEAKER_00: I don't trust my aunt, I don't trust my cousin, I don't trust my sister, I don't trust whatever.
SPEAKER_00: Well, then don't be surprised if you get attitude from people.
SPEAKER_00: Nobody likes that.
SPEAKER_00: Stop back, stop back up a little bit and respect other people that are coming to the table.
SPEAKER_01: And that can be very hard for some personalities.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so if it's hard for some personalities, here's a trick.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: You can control, you can control everything if you want to.
SPEAKER_01: Just control the right things.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna control the temperature of the room.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna control the joy in the room.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna control the peace.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna control the love.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna control the fun, the joy, the happiness, the laughter.
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna go into it knowing that's gonna be the area that's not gonna get away from me.
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just shifting my mindset to I don't have to control, you know, all the food or making sure it's out on time or people there, they're late.
SPEAKER_01: And so it ruined the holiday.
SPEAKER_01: No, when they walk in, the only thing I can't control is me and my attitude.
SPEAKER_01: All I control is, you know, okay, the last minute, the kids are gonna be two hours late, or they're gonna come and leave two hours early.
SPEAKER_01: I can't control that.
SPEAKER_01: But you know what I can control?
SPEAKER_01: Hey, babe, love y'all.
SPEAKER_01: Let's have dinner next week.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: Let's make up y'all come over for leftovers tomorrow.
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01: Like, those are the things that you can control.
SPEAKER_01: And if you're so, like, I can't, I guess I'm this way more than I realize, but if you're just so, you know, hell-bent on being in control, control those things.
SPEAKER_01: Because that's what the Bible tells us to do.
SPEAKER_01: That we're we're to be um managing our own hearts.
SPEAKER_01: It's not an attack of the enemy, not everything's an attack from the devil.
SPEAKER_01: It's it's learning to say, okay, let me grow up here too.
SPEAKER_01: Let me, I can point out flaws.
SPEAKER_01: And every other family member, if they would have just done it this way, or maybe God is saying, maybe I just need to relax and let it be what it is, and just keep the joy of the experience of the day.
SPEAKER_00: I think some of my favorite people that and what makes me love people more is when they use this one phrase.
SPEAKER_00: I know how I can be.
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to be in control.
SPEAKER_00: I know how I can be, and I don't want to get out of sorts.
SPEAKER_00: I know how I can be sometimes, and I don't want to fall into that trap.
SPEAKER_00: That is a level of self-awareness that everybody loves, and it brings the pressure off.
SPEAKER_00: So if we all just take responsibility and go, I know how I can be.
SPEAKER_00: Even on even on Thanksgiving, when I see all the guys are watching Thanksgiving and I gotta pull this 20-pound turkey out, right?
SPEAKER_00: Guess what I can do?
SPEAKER_00: I need a really big strong man.
SPEAKER_00: And guess what happens?
SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
SPEAKER_00: What do you need?
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming.
SPEAKER_00: Rather than going, I cannot believe not one of these guys has come over and said, What can I do?
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: Come on.
SPEAKER_00: I can control that.
SPEAKER_00: I can ask, I can get my attitude right.
SPEAKER_00: I can all those guys, they don't care if we had a turkey and baked beans.
SPEAKER_00: They didn't care.
SPEAKER_00: Nope.
SPEAKER_00: So I can control my level of expectation to make sure the holidays is fun for everybody.
SPEAKER_00: And next year, baby cater.
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna save some money.
SPEAKER_00: Go on a trip.
SPEAKER_00: Merry Christmas, everybody.
SPEAKER_01: We're going to Pizza Hut.
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: I think that's the I really do.
SPEAKER_01: I think this, if again, if we listen to our own advice and people hear this and say, this is the way to avoid the arguments and the frustrations.
SPEAKER_01: And the reality is it's not funny because these things can impact hearts like young 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, it can impact you for years.
SPEAKER_01: Impact you for years.
SPEAKER_01: It could be something that you don't remember why you're mad.
SPEAKER_01: But you could, if you had time, you could trace it back to that one moment where you felt so insecure because the host of the party was just just overlooked you or made you feel small because you didn't get it right.
SPEAKER_01: You know, thank God, you know, you were saying that with Ann, your mother-in-law, that she was like, Okay, well, why didn't you, why didn't you cook the broccoli first?
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
unknown: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: What happened?
SPEAKER_01: I thought I did.
SPEAKER_01: I thought, but you said, baby, get out there and do it again.
SPEAKER_01: You know, she didn't, she she followed up with you got this and laughed and made it fun.
SPEAKER_00: You know, it was so funny.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: You'll look back 10 years and have a great memory.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And I I'm using it on a podcast all these years later.
SPEAKER_00: It's funny.
SPEAKER_00: But my Mac and my uh broccoli casserole was on point every other year.
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I will tell you, I was with some people recently.
SPEAKER_00: You notice how she had to get that in.
SPEAKER_01: She had to get that in to make sure we knew she was great at broccoli.
SPEAKER_00: Well, it it's good.
SPEAKER_00: I only ruined it one time.
SPEAKER_00: Um, because I made sure.
SPEAKER_01: Is that broccoli gender?
SPEAKER_01: Don't get it wrong.
SPEAKER_01: That's not, it's not cheap.
SPEAKER_01: You gotta, you gotta expensive to make all that cheese.
SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm not gonna make it any other year.
SPEAKER_00: This is it, right here.
SPEAKER_00: This is it.
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
SPEAKER_00: But I was talking to some friends this year, and one thing I was really grateful for is that this isn't in our family.
SPEAKER_00: But we were talking about having uh what do you do when you have to have a divorced brother that has to come and his ex-wife's not coming anymore, and the kids and all of that, which probably should be another podcast that we could talk about.
SPEAKER_00: Um, but that level of conflict and how you bring peace to that and how hard that is, so many broken families.
SPEAKER_00: But my mother-in-law was telling me that, because I was sharing this with her, and she said, you know, for years, when uh my father-in-law's brother got divorced and then he remarried, she would invite her ex-sister-in-law because she loved her.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And she just didn't think, well, if they can get along, and you know, he can bring his new wife, if if she can get over it, then I can see my sister-in-law at Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_00: She was, I just wasn't thinking that the invitation was putting pressure on her, so she was coming, but it was causing more pain.
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's shocking, but they were all so young, she wasn't thinking about it.
SPEAKER_00: And um, she said, What ended the time of us being together?
SPEAKER_00: Those gatherings stopped because the new wife said, I'm not going anymore.
SPEAKER_00: So it was blood over in-law, yeah, an ex-in-law.
SPEAKER_00: And she said, I had to choose my husband's brother.
SPEAKER_00: And it was really painful because I love my ex-sister-in-law.
SPEAKER_00: And the minute she stopped coming and we fixed, we changed that rule because we couldn't, I couldn't keep inviting her.
SPEAKER_00: She said, the relationship died and it was over.
unknown: Wow.
SPEAKER_00: And she said it was so sad because you see what dividing in a family does and what divorce does.
SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know, that's even a friendship you couldn't really keep.
SPEAKER_00: And I just think about that, taking this to a little bit more serious tone.
SPEAKER_00: I know we got to end this podcast, but I think about that for the for the women out there who, you know, are really struggling to keep family together.
SPEAKER_00: And it's harder to do that because it's so scattered and it's so broken.
SPEAKER_00: And it is something you cannot control.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: So don't even try.
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
SPEAKER_00: You you really do have to keep the processes of the holidays very simple.
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: And focused on you, your spouse, and your children, because all that other stuff in the background, it makes every holiday laced with just nothing but conflict and the reminder of divorce.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
unknown: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: And that's hard.
SPEAKER_00: That's hard on families.
SPEAKER_01: And you know, that now that you're saying that, I think a prayer that someone could pray that might be in this same situation that maybe you feel like I have this dream, kind of like I had a Friday Night Lights idea for my kids in school and football, and then maybe that didn't turn out that way.
SPEAKER_01: Or maybe you had dreams for your kids, and things are just not going the way you dreamed, or maybe they didn't marry the person you dreamed for them, and maybe it's caused conflict, or maybe getting all the kids back together, yeah, they've got conflict.
SPEAKER_01: And just pray, say, God, what is it that you want me to do?
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to work in the flesh, and I've got to let go.
SPEAKER_01: And again, it goes back to boundaries, and there are seasons where your kids, it may the best thing for them may not be to try to cram everybody in the room.
SPEAKER_01: You're not together throughout the year, and then you're gonna try to fix all the problems on one day and then surprised that Thanksgiving was ruined, you know.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_01: I think maybe make a decision like, okay, if y'all don't want to be in the same room, I'm gonna enjoy family, you know, we're gonna have different plans for different people.
SPEAKER_01: Or just ask the Holy Spirit, like, what would please you?
SPEAKER_01: What could what could we do?
SPEAKER_01: Because the the family's not healed yet, but they're gonna be.
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna come back together at some point.
SPEAKER_01: God will bring this all back around.
SPEAKER_01: But what can we do and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you, not this big expectation of what you want to happen, because seasons that are necessary for growth.
SPEAKER_01: And if you try to rush something to bring everybody together, and like what you were saying about your friend, and and just almost kind of forcing something instead of saying, Hey, listen, I've gotta I gotta surrender this.
SPEAKER_01: I can be friends with you on another day, but I've got to surrender this.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_01: But this is this is these are the real things, and then allow the Holy Spirit to bring people together, and then you're not in there trying to be the Holy Spirit and then wondering why you're give out, wore out, frustrated, and it takes you the whole year to get over it.
SPEAKER_00: Well, for all the Christians who who deal with broken homes at the holidays, let's remember this.
SPEAKER_00: The the baby Jesus came to bring peace on earth.
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
SPEAKER_00: And the enemy wouldn't be much of an enemy, he wouldn't be much of a devil if he did not try to disrupt our peace.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: On the day that Jesus came to bring peace on earth.
SPEAKER_00: And we do have to seek peace and pursue it with our families.
SPEAKER_00: We really do.
SPEAKER_00: And it does begin with each and every one of us.
SPEAKER_00: We've got to seek peace and pursue it, as the Bible says.
SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you, that's not always easy with every family member.
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, like Oprah, we put the boundaries in the wrong place and we cut families off.
SPEAKER_00: And that is not right to do.
SPEAKER_00: You don't cut everybody off.
SPEAKER_00: But it isn't, it's not an easy nut to crack, as they say in the South.
SPEAKER_00: It is complicated, but being mindful of what brings peace, keep the expectation right, don't add conflict, don't add drama.
SPEAKER_00: Um, but put family first.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: Put the experience of family coming together, being on the same page, even for a few hours.
SPEAKER_00: Christmas is coming, and we've already made plans.
SPEAKER_00: I will tell you this, Steve and I have done several podcasts on how to plan for the holidays that keep the peace and not uh promote conflict.
SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing you said it already, planning.
SPEAKER_00: Talk about it, talk about it now.
SPEAKER_00: Have a plan for the holidays.
SPEAKER_00: My kids, we're all texting each other, what are you doing for Christmas Eve?
SPEAKER_00: Because remember, we're gonna be with this family this year.
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: We have plans, we've made reservations so that there's nothing that is unsaid or unplanned.
SPEAKER_00: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And we end up looking back and say, that was the best Christmas we ever had.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
SPEAKER_01: And then you and then you're allowing different seasons to happen naturally instead of fighting the season and fighting with an expectation, and then, well, mom's mad because we can't do no, babe.
SPEAKER_01: I you go do what you got to do.
SPEAKER_01: Enjoy and make your own memories.
SPEAKER_01: I remember that back years ago when our kids were little and we would get up for Christmas morning, we'd open all of our presents and then we'd pack everybody in the car, pack other presents, and go to my in-laws' house, and we'd have to spend the rest of the day there opening presents.
SPEAKER_01: But after a while, we were like, yeah, we're like, well, wait a minute, let's do something different.
SPEAKER_01: And so we had to make that shift.
SPEAKER_01: We had to say, we're gonna spend Christmas Day with our family.
SPEAKER_01: We'll come over in the evening or we'll come over the next day.
SPEAKER_01: And so thank God my in-laws were like, whatever you need to do, there's no expectation.
SPEAKER_01: And they really helped us with that without making us, they never made us feel guilty.
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: As long, but we always made time for them.
SPEAKER_01: We always made them feel like they were valuable.
SPEAKER_01: And you know, again, I I really hope that helps somebody because it's just like the enemy to ruin.
SPEAKER_01: And you're you're gonna miss out on beautiful memories that God wants for you to have and the story he's writing for your family.
SPEAKER_01: And you might have two or three, four or five years where it might be a little sticky, might be a little difficult, but better days are coming.
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
SPEAKER_01: Better days are coming.
SPEAKER_01: And and in keeping our heart right and not being frustrated, you know, that's been my biggest issue.
SPEAKER_01: Is like, Lord, how do I get how do I keep my peace when the season doesn't look like I wanted it to look?
SPEAKER_01: No.
SPEAKER_00: How do I keep I think keeping your peace is I think it goes back to my expectations of you aren't greater than my own expectations of me.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_00: I'm not putting all my expectation on you coming, showing up, and making my Christmas awesome.
SPEAKER_01: Right.
SPEAKER_00: I'm my the expectation that I put on myself is to be, is to have the right perspective about it all.
unknown: Right.
SPEAKER_00: And not put so many extreme expectations on everybody else in my life and not manage that well myself.
SPEAKER_00: That's something I've had to learn over the time.
SPEAKER_00: And I think we need to follow this up with a on the whole nother podcast on the beginning of the year and dealing with being controlling, um, setting the right expectations.
SPEAKER_00: Because I know you and I over the years, we have both had to work hard for that and fight for that because of being twins and wanting to be together and having big families and a lot of demands on our lives.
SPEAKER_00: But we did not, we we did not allow um anything to come between us and we didn't take it out on each other because we set the right expectations.
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
SPEAKER_00: This was good.
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
SPEAKER_01: This was a good conversation.
SPEAKER_00: We went way over.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, we did, but you know what?
SPEAKER_01: Podcasts are two and a half hours now.
SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding?
SPEAKER_01: People need this.
SPEAKER_01: This is what they need.
SPEAKER_01: This right here, this with me.
SPEAKER_01: I think so too.
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
SPEAKER_01: Be encouraged and make mac and cheese for Christmas.
SPEAKER_00: Well, your hair looks good.
SPEAKER_01: So does yours.
SPEAKER_01: I might I'm worried about my flyways, but I'm not gonna worry about it.
SPEAKER_01: No.
SPEAKER_01: You look great.
SPEAKER_01: No, you look amazing.
SPEAKER_01: Well I love you.
SPEAKER_01: I love you too.
SPEAKER_01: We gotta get together for Christmas.
SPEAKER_00: I'm coming.
SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
SPEAKER_00: I will be there.
SPEAKER_00: Let's plan it.
SPEAKER_00: We'll film some more podcasts.
SPEAKER_00: I love you.
SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you guys for watching another episode of the Mary Martha podcast.
SPEAKER_00: We got a whole lot coming in 2026, so stay tuned.
SPEAKER_00: Bye, Martha.
SPEAKER_00: Bye.
SPEAKER_00: Love you.