Episode 20: For Better Or Worse

A personal reflection by Annie on the challenges of maintaining a marriage while raising a high-needs child. Annie shares her journey from meeting her husband in middle school to the present, highlighting the strain their third child's needs placed on their relationship. She candidly discusses feelings of resentment, isolation, and the struggle to balance personal desires with family responsibilities. Annie recounts a transformative solo trip to Disneyland, which helped her realize the importance of making choices based on personal desires rather than societal expectations. This epiphany led to a renewed appreciation for her husband and their marriage. Despite contemplating divorce, Annie emphasizes the importance of perseverance and self-care, acknowledging that while their marriage isn't perfect, it's worth the effort. She encourages others in similar situations to hold on, as there can be hope and fulfillment beyond the struggles.

Transcript

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Welcome to Things I Can't Say, the podcast for the things parents whisper, not post. I'm Annie, a parent who's walked through the quiet, lonely hallways of raising a child with traits that don't fit neatly into any of the parenting books, or on anyone's social media feed either. Each week we'll open the door to stories that rarely get told out loud. I'll start with mine, and then you'll hear from other parents, mental health professionals, and people who know what it means to live in the gray instead of the black and white. This is a place where shame loses its power, where complexity isn't feared but explored, and where love doesn't have to be easy in order to be real. If you've ever felt like no one else could possibly understand, you're not alone here. This is things I can't say, and I am so glad you're here. Welcome back. Can we chat about the toll that raising a high needs child takes on a marriage? And if you know me personally, this might not be the best episode for you unless you want to know me extra, extra well. Because I don't think I'm gonna filter a whole lot in this. I think it's a conversation that has not had enough, and we need to talk about it. Um personally, for me, I met my husband when I was in middle school at church. I've known him a very, very long time. We started dating when I was 16. We got engaged when I was 17 and married when I was 18 and he was 21. This is year 32 since we've been married. So we have a long history together. Uh, we are two people who are messy because we're humans. So I am an oldest daughter. He is a youngest by a whole lot son. I would say we're both a little bit on the stubborn end and both people pleasers. We like to keep everybody happy and everybody good all the time. Um, I'm not going to pretend marriage was perfect before we adopted child number three. I think there is always this level of learning that has been happening in our marriage. So it's not like we went from this perfectly amazing, wonderful marriage where we had everything figured out to all of a sudden it crashed and burned. We were many years into marriage and we were still trying to figure each other out at that point. Um, but the increased need of child number three in our home very much impacted our marriage. And I think when I talk about it or I see other people on social media talk about the impact on their marriage, there's always these ideas thrown out. You know, find respite, go on vacation together, you need to date each other more, you need to put the time into there's always ideas. The problem with those ideas is when you are drowning, actively drowning both of you, um, those things are not simple. You don't just go on a date when you have no one to supervise your children. You don't focus on each other when your home is completely unsafe. The ideas that come with protecting your marriage and focusing on each other and all of those things sound good until you are in the middle of the ocean and everyone else is on shore watching you drown, and you're trying to figure out how to save your marriage while you are sinking under the water. Um, for the two of us, it became incredibly difficult. And that I want to be very clear was no one's fault. I don't blame our son, I don't blame my husband. I there is not blame anywhere in that. It is the situation we were living through that was impossible for us. Um, what I found, just speaking from my own experience, I reached a point where I was resentful of my husband. I very much disliked that he got to leave for work every day, that he got to pack his lunch and get his stuff together, take a shower, get dressed, do all the things, get in the silent car without anyone else, and go to work for the day. Like in my mind, that was a break. He got a vacation every single day while I stayed home and dealt with the crisis at home. I dealt with every appointment, every phone call, every need at school, every everything at home fell on me. And I was, I owned my own business. I was trying to work in the midst of it, but there was no way that I could focus on a job and contribute anything to our home when I was doing what I was doing all day, every day. So I resented him for being able to go to work. I was upset by the amount that fell on my plate, even though he needed to work. I mean, I can clearly see that. I'm I'm not delusional most of the time. He needed to work. We needed his income. He was doing all of the right things. Um, he was stuck in the same position I was in, in which he couldn't do anything different to help me at home because he was working 60 hours a week to provide for us while I was doing the rest. It didn't change the resentment. That added this wedge between us uh that wasn't fair anywhere. I found myself trying to find ways to escape any way that I could. And one of those ways was to get a hotel room by myself and just leave for the weekend, which people might assume counts as a break, right? Like here I am saying I'm resentful of my husband that he gets to leave. So I leave him alone with the kids and I leave for the weekend. Um, except that break was me thinking about coming back home. I was stressed about what it would be like to come back home all the time, which is probably how he felt at work. We're probably both experiencing the exact same thing, um, but we're doing it separately. We are not doing it together. We had taken this marriage that we had where we had a lot of fun together and joked a lot, and it became managing crisis. And that was all of our conversation. Every part of our marriage became how do we survive this crisis that we're in? Um, and and we're not doing it as a team because we're having two different experiences in the same crisis. Like we're we're seeing the same thing, we're participating in the same thing, but we're experiencing it very, very differently. We're at two different places all the time. Uh, it didn't feel good. There was a point, I want to say it was about three or four years ago now, that I took myself to Disneyland. Uh, that that was the first time that I love Disneyland, but it was the first time I had gone by myself. And one of my goals in going was to figure out what even mattered to me anymore because I didn't know. The recognition that I had that I no longer knew what mattered to me. I didn't know how to make a decision for myself. I didn't, I didn't know. I'm going away for weekends at hotels by myself, so I am taking time for myself in some ways, but I still was not able to do anything that felt right to me. My sole focus was what was best for our family. I think my husband's sole focus was what was best for our family, and we're doing it in two separate directions at the same time. I went on that trip to Disneyland and it changed how I saw a lot of things. Um, and that's not only because I love Disneyland and I really enjoyed being there, but I recognized how many decisions I make because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I do things because that's what is expected of me. I remember standing in the middle of Disneyland thinking I should go on, I don't remember what the ride was, but there was a ride that I thought I need to go get in line for that ride because anybody who's going to Disneyland would go on that ride. Like, how could you leave? It's a short line. How could you leave without going on that line on that ride? Like, that's what I'm supposed to do. And then there was this realization in my head, I don't want to. I don't actually want to go on that ride. And I could simply say, no, thank you. Because I'm here by myself. I don't have to go on the ride. I can leave the park anytime I want to. And that was like this epiphany for me of I don't always have to do what everybody else thinks is best all the time. And I went back to my hotel room with the plan of going back to the park in the evening. And the evening hit, and I thought, I don't want to. I don't want to put my shoes on, and I don't want to walk back to the park. And the thought crossed my mind, well, you you wasted a day. You're wasting money by not going back to the park. You should go back to the park. The realization how much I should on myself, the things that I should do, even though I don't really want to. And I came home from that trip feeling very different about my life and my marriage and every decision I make and my relationships. Because why am I doing things? Because I feel like I should. I want to do things because I want to do them. I want to do things because I'm passionate about them. I want to do things because that's my desire. I don't want to do them because I'm shooting on me. And that that switch, uh, it wasn't too long after that my husband went on a trip with his brothers. And I realized while he was gone that I actually missed him. And I couldn't tell you the at the last time I felt like I missed another person. I wanted to be alone so bad all the time just to get a break that I hadn't had the opportunity to miss anybody. And I think part of it was this feeling like I should, I should, I should feel all of these things, I should react all of these ways, I should, I should do whatever in the relationships I I should. And that moment of wait, I miss him because I miss him, not because I should miss him, not just because he's my husband, not not there was no should. I just deeply, desperately missed him. That feeling for me was such a shift. And I don't even know if I can explain it in a way that makes sense to anyone. Um, except I didn't think I would reach a place of I miss him, and I'm choosing the emotions that I have, I'm choosing the love that I have, I'm choosing the reactions that I have. Uh they're not expected of me. They don't have to be expected of me. I don't have to do what's expected of me. I can simply love my husband. I had been spending so much time trying not to drown, trying to stay above water, that I had completely lost my own ability to feel. Now it does not mean that things became magically okay at that point. Uh, we still were significantly struggling at that point to a place where I really thought we were going to get divorced. I thought that our marriage was over. Um we had had conversations about getting divorced. I went with him to one of his therapy appointments. I mean, this was kind of like last straw for me trying to figure this out. And I sat down with him on a couch, and his therapist looked over and said, Do you know what I see? The two of you are sitting right next to each other on the couch, and you are touching. That tells me this is not over. That tells me that you still love each other. There's still something there. And again, that recognition for me of I I can choose this because I want to, not because I have to, not because I'm expected to stay married, not because, not because of what anyone else says, but because I I want to. And I feel like when I say that, it sounds like a couple of different things. It sounds like one, I'm blaming our son for our marriage issues, and I am not. I don't believe they are his fault at all. Um, and two, I feel like what I'm saying is that if you are living a similar life, there isn't hope while your child is home. And I I think maybe that is what I'm saying, but not in an unkind negative way. I want to validate that this idea that you can work on your marriage while you are drowning uh is not realistic. It is okay to focus on you, figure out how to keep yourself from going underwater, find ways to stay alive yourself, find ways to feed yourself, and then figure out the rest. Because this idea that you can magically fix things and date your spouse and go on vacations together and do all the things that you need to do to fix your marriage is not really possible when you have a child in your home who demands every ounce of your energy and attention. It doesn't work. No matter what people want to tell you, it doesn't work. And it's okay that it doesn't work. I'm very, very thankful that we hung in there. I am thankful for the moments, though those little glimmers of we're sitting on a couch in the therapist's office and we're touching. The realization that I can choose to stay married and love my husband, like those glimmers of hope. I'm thankful that was enough to keep us together and keep us going so that we did not give up. Because what we have now is amazing. I am so abundantly thankful for the marriage that we have now, how close I feel to my husband, how much I love him. I cannot fathom life without him. I couldn't picture feeling that way three years ago because I couldn't picture staying alive long enough to feel that way. I was so focused on survival that I could not focus on our marriage. And I think that's okay. I think the idea that we have to have everything together at the same time is so unrealistic. If you're in this similar boat, what I want you to hear from me is just don't give up. Don't give up yet. I I'm not telling you to stay in a relationship that is not healthy for you. If you feel like you're done, you're done. I get that. And when you are drowning, due to the behaviors and actions that are out of your control of your child, it is not the time to decide to give up on your marriage. Because what can come next is amazing, but it requires surviving where you're at right now. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes complete sense, other than I just feel like I have to validate this reality. The idea that you can work on your marriage while your child is in crisis every day. That's not realistic. It's not real. And when you put that pressure on yourself, that expectation from others that you will have a good marriage and you will not drown while someone is standing on your shoulders pushing you underwater. That's not possible. Sometimes you have to just pick one. And that one can be I I'm not gonna let myself go underwater. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to not drown right now while I'm raising my child. And then when we get to the next place, then I will focus on mending and healing and building my marriage. It does not all have to happen at one time, and I don't know that it can. I don't want to say it's okay that your marriage is suffering in the middle of it, but I also want to normalize that it's okay. Because how else would you be doing this right now? You can't pour into everyone. It's not possible. Your marriage takes a lot of work. That's what marriage is. It it is both of you committing a hundred percent. And when you don't have a hundred percent to commit, things are gonna struggle. That doesn't mean it has to be over. That doesn't mean it's anybody's fault. It just means it's it's part of the process. That whole tie a knot and hang on thing, keep hanging on. There can be so much good on the other side, even if you don't feel it right now. I don't know. I don't know if anybody needed to hear that, but I needed to say it. Uh I'm I'm not putting fairy dust all over my marriage and acting like it's the most perfect marriage ever because it's not. We're still two humans who struggle on a daily basis, but it's worth it. I have discovered that it's worth it, and I get to choose that. Not because it's the expectation of me, but because I want to. I really, really want to. That's all. I'll be back soon to talk more about what's happening. Um just a few of the developments. But today I just needed whoever needed to hear it. I needed you to know that it is okay to struggle right now. That that doesn't mean it's over. Hold on. It is worth holding on. Thanks for being here, listening, feeling, and sitting with the hard stuff. If you've ever whispered a story like mine, I'd love to hear from you. You can leave me a message at mombehindthecenes.com because every story told gives someone else permission to share theirs. This is Things I Can't Say. The podcast for things you whisper, not post. Until next time, take care of yourself.