Epidose 21: New Day, Same Pattern

Annie addresses a frequently asked question about her son's current state and well-being, expressing the difficulty in providing a straightforward answer. Annie shares the history of her son's behavior, including past incidents of harm and ongoing issues with honesty and accountability. She reflects on the patterns of behavior that have persisted over the years, her son's interactions on social media, and the challenges of believing in change without seeing concrete evidence. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Things I Can't Say, the podcast for the things parents whisper, not post. I'm Annie, a parent who's walked through the quiet, lonely hallways of raising a child with traits that don't fit neatly into any of the parenting books, or on anyone's social media feed either. Each week we'll open the door to stories that rarely get told out loud. I'll start with mine, and then you'll hear from other parents, mental health professionals, and people who know what it means to live in the gray instead of the black and white. This is a place where shame loses its power, where complexity isn't feared but explored, and where love doesn't have to be easy in order to be real. If you've ever felt like no one else could possibly understand, you're not alone here. This is things I can't say, and I am so glad you're here. I think it's time to answer a question that I get fairly often, which is how is my son doing now? Is he better? Transparently, I avoid this question when it is asked because it is not a simple question for me to answer. It doesn't come with a simple response that I can put into a comment section or a one-minute social media video. It feels abundantly confusing and messy in my brain. Um, so I'm going to try to answer that on this platform and see if I can get somewhere. And maybe it'll make a little more sense in my own head as I talk about it. It has been approximately four years since the last time he harmed our daughter. So we are a ways out from that. Uh I think people could look at that timeline and say, well, he hasn't harmed his sister in four-ish years. And so therefore, he must be better in some way, because that is over. And I want to believe that more than I can even begin to tell you. I would love for that to be true. Um, when he stopped harming our daughter coincided with the start of girlfriends. So as soon as he had his first girlfriend, uh the abuse in our home seemed to stop at that point. The problem with that is that I don't believe the abuse of everyone stopped at that point. Um, there have been many accusations from others since the start of having girlfriends. Um one of the things that has happened repeatedly is that he will accuse other people of doing things to him. And then we later find out that he was the one who did them to other people. And an interesting thing about our son that I don't think I've really discussed is the one of the patterns. We have many patterns, but one of the patterns has been that he will deny any mistake, poor choice, anything negative. He will absolutely deny doing it while he's doing it, and usually for the weeks after he's done it until he's pretty sure he can't be in trouble anymore. And then he will admit to everything, um, oftentimes finding the humor in it. Uh, he's the best at whatever it was that he did. He wants us to laugh with him at the choices that he made. So we'll find out the things after the fact, just not during, which I think that behavior leaves me on edge all the time because I have never felt like I knew what was happening while it was happening. I feel like I've always found out after the fact, and it has surprised me. And so I stay uh cynical, is I don't even know if that's the right word for it, but I'm very careful in what I believe to be true and what I do not. Um my husband and I were talking about it last night, and he asked me how I thought our son was doing. And I said, one of the biggest signs for me is that I can see his social media. And on his social media, he has many friends, people he's following, whatever you want to call it, who are minors under the age of 18. And he made one post not very long ago that said something about how can people question him for having friends under 18 when he's only 18 himself. And those are really the only people to be friends with. It was something to that effect. Um and also he has been very clearly told to not be around people who are under 18 until he has received the help that he needs and has been cleared by CPS for that. As far as I am aware, he has not received the treatment necessary to allow him to be around people under 18. I don't get the feeling that he cares. Um, I can see pictures that include children in the background. Um if you understood the choices that you made, and if you wanted to be better, be different, have people see you differently, whatever, I believe that you would follow the rule around not being around people underage. And that is not a rule that he seems to be willing to follow. And that for me, knowing him as well as I do, tells me a lot because that causes me to believe that he just doesn't really care, or he doesn't see the point, or he doesn't understand whatever that may be, there is a reason in his mind that he doesn't need to do what he's been told to do, which is ongoing behavior. He can justify it within his own mind what he needs to do or doesn't need to do, and he doesn't really care what the rules, boundaries, whatever are, he will find a way around them. And because he is continuing to find a way around those rules, it it would hint to me uh that we're not really okay or better, or whatever terminology you want to use for it. Um, I do know that he has been receiving some help for substance use. Um detox has been a thing. Rehab has been a thing. I I believe that inpatient rehab is also part of the current story, which is wonderful. I am glad that that's where he's at. I think it is very, very, very needed. Um and also the pattern would tell me that being in an inpatient place with a lot of structure and rules is not the same as being on your own. And so while I am very happy that he's there and glad that he is making that decision, I also don't have hope until he is making those choices for himself a bit more. Um what I see from him by way of social media posts and other things tell me we are still in the same place. Uh, it also tells me a bit that he sees himself as I don't I'm not sure what word to use, as not the bad guy, not the villain, um, more as like the black sheep of the family. Like we've all just cast him aside for no reason. Um I seem to be the villain, which is that's hard. Um because I believe that he fully knows what has happened and he knows what needs to change. I believe that he is aware of that. Um, but I also see that this is where we've been for a very long time, which is it's always someone else's fault. It is it is not him. He didn't do it. It is someone else who has put him somehow in the situation that he is in. And for right now, I think it is easiest to blame me because I talk about things publicly, and that is very risky on his end. I think that it makes sense to tell people things that are not necessarily true in order to shift some of the blame. Um, I do know that in the past he has told various girlfriends and people involved a bit about what he has done to his sister, but he has minimized it extremely. And so while people may hear from him a version of what I share, um, they're not hearing the full truth. And that protects him. Um, it also makes me look like, again, the bad guy who is exaggerating his choices. I have not yet seen that change. And that's, I feel like I've said it's hard for me before, and I'll say it again. It's it's very difficult for me to see his social media. I do my best to avoid it because it feels, it doesn't even feel confusing. I think it feels somewhat validating, and also it just makes me sad. It makes me sad. I think that I know where we're headed and I've known for a long time. And there's also still that parent part of you that holds out hope. Like in my mind, I think there's been many points where I've thought, if I just step away, if I'm not involved, then maybe that will help. Even when we were involved with his wraparound team, I told them so many times, like, if he'll meet with them without me, I am happy to not be a part of it. I am happy to not be at meetings, I'm happy to not be involved. Whatever it takes to connect him, get him the resources he needs, keep him moving forward. I will do whatever that takes. Uh big deep breath. I I think it's been very painful and validating at the same time to recognize that this uh behavior is going to happen in all environments with all people. It is not related to me, and me stepping aside is not going to fix it. Just like me being present isn't going to fix it, because I can't fix it no matter what I do. Um and I think I sit with this really uncomfortable thought in my head that maybe he can't fix it either. That this might just simply be what life is. And trying to be okay with that, with something that I can't be okay with, it just feels so confusing in my mind. I I don't really know other words for it other than I I don't re I don't really know. I I don't know how to handle it. And I don't have to because I have I've removed myself, but the feelings are still there. There's a lot of things that just replay in my brain over and over and over again, the patterns of behavior, and it it concerns me. It's the reality is it scares me. I am I am very concerned for his future, especially as we move forward and I'm not seeing any change in behavior. Uh it it leaves me so concerned for the future. Because I replay, I just I replay so many pieces. And I don't think that I could have done anything different. And also I wish that I could. Because in order to do something different, I would have had to call my son out for lying so many times, and I still feel the same way. Like I just want to call him out for what he's doing. And I know that that's not going to get us anywhere. It's not going to help him. There was one time, again, this is another one of those things that I just replay in my head that he ran away. Uh, he was gone for two or three days. He'd been living in a group home at that point. And as he usually did, he would run away for a few days and then come back like nothing ever happened. I mean, he was typically high on some substances, but he would come back like nothing had happened. Like it was just perfectly normal to disappear for a few days and then return. And this time he came back um with really high anxiety because someone, a group of kids had threatened him. And he also accused a girl who was part of this group of also homeless kids of uh sexually assaulting him. Like to the highest degree, is what he accused her of. Enough that we called police to report it. Um there was supposed to be an interview, like done, a forensic interview of him done. He went to the hospital that night. Um it was concerning the way that he worded everything. And when I replay it back in my head, there have been so many times where he accused someone of doing something to him that he actually did to them. And I look at that night where I felt sad for my son that he experienced an assault. And I don't know if he did. And the thought that you can't believe your own child, like I know that whatever is said, uh it's hard to say what is behind it. But as a parent, what you want to do, like to the depths of your soul, what you want to do is fight for your child. You want to defend your child, you want to protect your child, and that is true of our son. I want to fight for him, I want to defend him, I want to protect him, and to know that I cannot do that. There's no way that I can do that based on the patterns of behavior. It's can you hear the deep breath? It is a hard place to sit, but to still want that as a mom and to know that it it can't be that way. Do I think that our son will come out of rehab and be better and stay sober? I would love to think that. I would I would love to think that that is what comes next. And uh I think we have systems that are not set up for him. And the supports that he needs after rehab likely do not exist again. And so it is hard for me to feel hopeful when I don't see the supports in place to help him after this rehab stint that he is in. It feels very messy. And what I want to tell you, like truthfully, honestly, deeply, what I want to tell you is he's all better. He's in rehab, he's great, he's all better. That is what I want to tell you. I don't think people necessarily believe that, that that's what I want. I think people sometimes think that I want to hurt him in some way or I'm out to get him. I want him to be better. And the knowledge that I have of the patterns of behavior tell me that there is reason to be concerned. And I don't know if that feeling will ever go away for me. I don't like it. I just don't like it. And also for the other people who are watching the patterns of behavior in their own home and gaslighting themselves into not believing the patterns of behavior that they see. Believe the patterns. Just believe the patterns. They're right in front of you. You can't argue with the patterns. You can argue with the feelings and the emotions and the words. You can't argue with the patterns. That's all for today. I'm just sitting in a place of wondering if I will ever be able to defend my own child. I don't know. I want to tell you it's all okay. And I don't believe I can do that. That's all. I'll be back soon. Thanks for being here, listening, feeling, and sitting with the hard stuff. If you've ever whispered a story like mine, I'd love to hear from you. You can leave me a message at mombehindthecenes.com because every story told gives someone else permission to share theirs. This is Things I Can't Say, the podcast for things you whisper, not post. Until next time, take care of yourself.