Ep 5: Neurospicy Holidays: Comfort, Chaos & Connection

“The absence of a reminder doesn’t mean the love isn’t there.”

 In this festive episode of AuDHD Psych, Aaron and Uma explore how the holiday season can uniquely impact neurodivergent folk. While celebrations are often framed as joyful and meaningful, they can also bring sensory overload, disrupted routines, social pressure, emotional fatigue, and heightened expectations. Drawing on lived experience and clinical insight, the conversation unpacks masking, burnout, gift-giving stress, overthinking, and the delicate balance between connection and self-preservation. This episode offers permission to slow down, take breaks, set boundaries, and approach the holidays in a way that honours individual needs — reminding listeners that there is no single “right” way to celebrate.

Takeaways

• Disrupted routines and heightened sensory input during holidays can significantly increase stress for autistic and ADHD individuals
• Overcommitting socially often leads to burnout, even when connection is genuinely wanted
• Taking breaks — physical, emotional, or relational — is protective, not rude
• Masking can serve a purpose, but conscious, consent-based masking and selective unmasking reduce long-term stress
• Gift-giving and emotional reciprocity can be complicated by differences in communication, expectations, and interpretation
• The absence of contact or follow-up is often a reflection of overwhelm, not a lack of care
• Boundaries, energy awareness, and self-compassion matter more than meeting social ideals

Keywords
AuDHD, neurodivergence, holidays and mental health, autistic burnout, ADHD emotional regulation, masking and unmasking, sensory overload, social fatigue, boundaries, perfectionism, Christmas stress, neurodivergent wellbeing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the Audi HD Psych Podcast. I'm Aaron Howarth, the clinical psychologist and squeezer of STEM toys. Thank you for everyone who has given us some love, given us some feedback, and had a listen to our previous episodes where we talked about what we're doing, um autism, ADHD, and then the Audi HD presentation. Welcome to our Christmas episode. We wish you a Merry Christmas. For those of you who celebrate it. And as a lovely little segue where gift giving, we'll actually have two Christmas set episodes this year. I say this year like we've had more than one year. But thank you all for listening. And I'll hand over to Uma to lead me along.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Lovely. I think this is great because we really wanted to make sure that we included like themes and whatever people are celebrating. And at Howard Psychology, we're all about acknowledging that, you know, you might not be celebrating Christmas, it just might be a little holiday for you. And we would love to wish you the all the very best for the holiday season.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Absolutely. And if you do celebrate somebody else, somebody else, celebrate everybody. I say, if you do celebrate another tradition or holiday, do let us know and we'll give you a shout out as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

100%. Um, I think an overview of this episode is we'll be talking a little bit about feelings, tips, and what um neurodivergent people go through during peri busy periods like the holidays and the end of the year. We are slowly getting up there, and I'm starting to feel the pressure. I don't know about Aaron, but it's definitely getting there. And um, so just to start off, I guess, Aaron, what tends to shift for you when holidays or big celebrations roll around?

SPEAKER_00 1:40

So I guess, uh, and you know, Imra, you and I have spoken about this in the past. I guess for me, the way my autism and ADHD express is I'm very much doing lots of the stuff. Um, and so when holidays come up, it's if my autism doesn't love it because it's an interruption to the plan. And that's an inherent stressor for me. But I do like to see people and have some downtime. Uh, and my ADHD loves a little bit more social interaction and a little bit more of the doing. For me, in terms of the stresses, I think there's that, but then there's also just the unpredictability of holiday seasons broadly. You know, I'm not uh I traveled a lot in the Navy. I'm not a huge traveller in my own time because the comfort of sameness, uh especially when I'm stressed out, is strong, and the novelty seeking gets to be pushed aside. So all of the chaos, all of the busyness can start to cause a bit more stress for me and then put me in a social environment where people are singing off-tune, me normally, uh, but people sing off-tune, and that's a little bit grating, and you know, I'm tired from a long day of the things. I think that can lead me to having a lot of emotional responses that aren't really helpful. Um, but also they've helped me learn how to manage some of those over the years.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

So yeah, and I think um just to segue into our first topic that we want to talk about, um, sensory and routine disruption, which you absolutely touched on. Um, I think let's just talk about in general for neurodiverse folk. Um how does sensory changes like lights, noises, or crowds impact neurodivergent folk this time of year? And I guess maybe just you could just give us some generic examples of how this might happen.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Yeah, and I guess again, everyone has different characteristics, so everyone will be impacted differently. But you know, when we think about, and again, sticking with the the Christmas uh idea, when we think about all the flashing lights and things like that, lots of us are really attracted to those and do the rounds. But lots of us don't love that annoying flashing light. Lots of us don't love the non-predictability of those lights, um, the extra sound and noise in shopping centers when we have to go out and do the Christmas shopping, um, getting to and from some of the social events that we're we, you know, we're going along to because we love people, but that can be really stressful for a lot of neurodivergent people. Umlay uh maybe some autistic sensory differences with my ADHD kind of the pro-social elements that can come with that. And I might be committing to a lot more things than I really have the energy for, which means that all of those stresses can actually amplify one another because instead of going to the one thing, you know, in the past I said I'll not do more than one thing in a weekend if I can avoid it. Um, instead of going to one thing and then having some downtime to recover, I'm going to one thing, not getting my rest, going to another, not getting any rest, going to another, and all of a sudden I'm burning out socially. And that thing that I have on day four, which might be Christmas Day, you know, I turn up and I'm like, I'm here for three minutes. I'm going now. Bye. And I look like the rudest human alive. Yeah. Uh insert rumination here.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yeah. I think um that's such an interesting point that you touched on, which is the um that sort of you want to commit to things you are like, oh, it's Christmas, like this is just only rolled around now, like this is like that special time of year. So there is added stress. And I think just for everyone to sort of perform, right? Very make this the most memorable thing. And I think from a psychology perspective, that can be quite harmful, as you said.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

And yeah, and I think too, you know, we talk about the social differences for many of us in the autism spectrum. That often comes with this lesson that I'm doing something wrong socially when I'm just doing it differently, but then in a social season, I can feel like if I say no, I'm doing something wrong, and that it really informs these unhelpful beliefs that we've developed and lessons that we've learned, and it can create more stress for us.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah, that idea of creating more stress is something that I also think is not very noticeable because stress sort of builds, it accumulates.

SPEAKER_03 5:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

And if you don't pay attention, you know, and especially with someone who's autistic, I think masking is a great thing that autistic people tend to sort of, you know, perfect almost. So you're not paying attention to yourself. So I guess how would you suggest to people and just our audience to pay attention to yourself? What are those tricks and tips that you could give?

SPEAKER_00 6:17

Yeah, well, if I could just add on for a second to what you were just saying, I think I spoke a couple of episodes ago in the ADHD episode about internalizing presentations, and that's what we're really talking about here. It's I have this stress and I don't want to project it outwards because I've learned that that's not okay. So I keep it in and it builds more and more stress up. So we are inherently more vulnerable to stress in periods where our other sensory and cognitive differences might be overwhelmed. How would I manage that? You know, I'm a big fan of mindfulness. Why am I a big fan of mindfulness? Uh that's not going to be good for everybody because it's a break. Whether I'm, you know, just, and this is a thing that happens, whether I'm going to the toilet and just having a couple of mindful minutes sitting there thinking, did I touch something gross? Um, that's just a break from the potential overwhelm of the social setting or the lights or the music or the thing. And that's really helpful for me. And that's what I'd suggest, not necessarily mindfulness in a toilet, but having a break, whatever the break is right for you in your world. If it's going to the bathroom and there's nothing wrong with that, if it's, hey, I'm just gonna go for a walk to the shops, if it's, ah, actually, I don't think I'm in a good space today to come to that thing, but can we catch up another time? That can be an appropriate thing for anybody. Sometimes there can be relational conflict because of the stress, and just taking a break from that conflict. Hey, can we come back to this another time? Or I'm just not in a good place for this now, and having a break.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

I think um, just to touch on that, can we come back to this for a while? I think that's a conversation that I've recently just had with a couple of my friends where it's like, if you need a break, you know, because we're all leading very busy lives and we tend to sort of get swept up in everything. Um, I think there is something that I think you can tend to forget as human beings and just busy people that roll on your mind, which is if you just tell someone, hey, like maybe let's take a little breather, let's I don't think I'll be able to make it this time, it's your responsibility to sort of reach out again because that person has ultimately made that effort and it's sort of been left dangling because you've said you would like a little thing. So I think that's also something to sort of like remind ourselves, you know? Like it does ever a moment where because I've definitely been guilty of that, like where I've told a friend, look, it's just too crazy for me today. I'm toe tired, I just need to rest. And then I've sort of like ghosted that person unknowingly because I've just been like, okay, like I've done my part, like I've told them that I'm not coming, but again, it's like my responsibility to sort of reach out again. So maybe just writing little reminders, and I think I I always love using my phone as a little reminder to be like, oh, maybe reach out to this person at one point, you know, and see how they're going. Because I think as human beings, we just get so swept up in all the things that we have to do.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Yeah. But I think if I could just add on to that, I think I love the idea of reaching out again, but also just reaching out in the way that's right for you. Because you know, you know, I I often reflect on my own experience and it's a very privileged one. I have a lot of energy. Not everybody has the same level of that. And if reaching out for you is just three word messages, uh, three messages, three words like, hey, hope you're well, that was four words, but let's pretend I can count. Um if that's your version of reaching out and just letting that person know that you're still you still care, you're still interested, um, then that's fine too. We don't have to organize another social gathering. But if we're the person that's kind of feeling like um we've been ghosted, just remembering that lots of neurodivergent people do get really, really overwhelmed at this time of year. And it might not be that they're ghosting you. It might not be that we just we are so overwhelmed that we don't have the energy to pick up the phone and send a message or reply to your message, especially at these times of year. But at other times, we'll have loads of energy for you, and it's just a matter of, you know, the resources that I have and how overwhelmed they are. So I think that's a lovely point to remember to do what we can to remind people that we love them.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

But also to remember that the absence of that reminder doesn't mean that the love is not there.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Of course. I think that's just like dual perspectives to this because you could be on that end of someone that's just forgotten about it, and then the other person that's sort of, you know, like receiving that sort of thing.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

And there's just no right or wrong, it's just and many of us are, you know, if we're already HD, we have ADHD characteristics, and if it's not in my organizer, it doesn't exist. We do forget, and that's not a that's a that's a me thing, not a you thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Um let's just um tangent a little bit into sort of the same topic, which is um masking social fatigue and social expectations. So what types of pressure or expectations come up during this time of year, you think? Like there's obviously a so social element of sort of you know performing and everything, but what about more nitty-gritties, like potentially, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Well, I think internally for people, there's there's so many prongs to this. I think we see all of these images of people having fun and enjoying everything and connecting with people that they love. And if I've got social differences and I don't have a huge network, I can rate myself and think, oh, you know, why don't I have that life? Or and I guess just being kind to ourselves and knowing that these stereotypes that we're being fed by the media are not the truth for everybody. And just as every single relationship is different and valid in its own way, so is every different network of social interactions.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

I think Christmas movies are not helpful during holiday.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah, I think most movies are not helpful during holiday. It's fun to watch if I don't have something to think about. But I think too the flip side of that is when I do have, and we've touched on this a second ago, when I do have lots of people in my network and lots of obligations to kind of say yes to people. And if I do overcommit and overwhelm myself, sometimes that can be really unhelpful because, you know, and where you and I were talking earlier, um, if I'm neurodivergent, I probably come from a neurodivergent family. And if I have some of those ADHD emotional impulsivity type characteristics, that might happen in my family too. And so there might be a lot of conflict in some settings at Christmas. That's an extra stressor on top of if I have some sensory differences and cognitive and noise and sound and overcommitment. And just, and I come back to taking a break, if that is happening, we can just take a bit of a break, and there's no right or wrong way to do that. Um I've forgotten the question. There's a surprise.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

No, I I just asked what types of pressure and expectations. So, apart from the social and what you touched on there about uh very much about it in terms of family and expectations that come around with that. I think um it's also the potent the idea that like everything is meant to be fun, it's meant to be memorable.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Very much.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

This Christmas has to top last Christmas, or this holiday season has to top the last one, and that sense of competition within yourself.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Well, as for memorability, I'm gonna ask all the ADHDers out there to say how many details are we remembering about these things in the end. So I think feeling that pressure to make things so memorable, whether it's my Christmas party or my gift, if I'm in that sort of um area of privilege where I can do those things. I think recognising that, well, no, I don't want to tell you what to recognise. Me personally, I think I don't I don't care about gifts myself. Uh I care, I would much rather that little beanie that you spend an hour knitting and give to me than the$500 gift card from our shopping centre that I almost named. I I love that. I love the piece of you that you give me. And if what you can give me is a conversation, that's fine. And knowing that the gift is less important and being perfect than the giving. But also I think just knowing what the expectations are. Sometimes I can feel bad if I've given you this gift that I put a lot of effort into and I feel that you haven't. But sometimes some of our autistic characteristics is not recognising how other people see things and recognizing that I might see the not see the effort you've put in, but you might also not realize that I've put a lot of effort in, can go some way to reducing some of those kind of social stresses.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Yeah, I think the next topic that you rightfully touched on, which was gift giving and emotional reciproc reciprocity and that pressure that comes with it. Um, I think it's very natural for people to feel like, okay, like I put in this much effort with your Christmas gift and I didn't get that reciprocated. And I think that's something that I've definitely seen like in my parental systems at home. Um, like if my mum's not particularly happy with the gift, that sort of like, you know, adds pressure to my parents' relationship. So I guess um that's just a normal part of human and livelihood, you know what I mean? I don't think it's specific to like neurodivergent people, but obviously there's lenses that make it a bit more magnified.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Yeah, very much so. And you know, I sort of touched on it before. We in psychology we talk about theory of mind, and it's something that is not true. Um, but we used to think that autism came with a lack of theory of mind. Uh uh, what theory of mind is, is my ability to understand that you see the world differently or you have a different perspective to me. And what that means is I might give you a cup of coffee because I love coffee and you know I've handmade it and I've hand-ground the beans. Um, and you might not see that I've spent an hour preparing that perfect milk and going to this perfect farm and getting the perfect beans and hand grinding it so that you could have this delicious, amazing coffee. Because if you don't have theory of mind, you don't see that the way you make coffee is not the way I've made this coffee for you. But again, um I also might not understand that you just don't like coffee. So sometimes recognizing that I might not be interpreting the thing, be it a gift or whatever, the way it was intended. And you might not be intending the thing the way I'm interpreting it. It's the double empathy problem really comes up there is I don't quite understand you and you don't quite understand me, and so conflict can arise. And the ADHD side, we can be emotional, you know, we can be a lot more emotional, which is so beautiful in so many ways. Yeah. It sometimes can be unhelpful socially, and that reciprocity can come into play in an unhelpful way. I escalate, you escalate.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

100%.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

We take a break from the environment.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah, I think there's a I've always sort of had instances where I would go up to people and be like, Did you really enjoy that? Did you really like that? And they're like, Yeah, I absolutely did, you know, like, but then obviously everyone has a different expression, everyone has a different outlet for how they express things. So I think keeping that in mind is really helpful during navigating this system this time of year. Um, I guess one thing is we talk about this a lot um in the clinic and we talk about perfectionism and overthinking. How does that delve into this time of period and how how can we deal with that?

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Yeah, well, you know, I talk to a lot of people in my clinical practice about, I actually call it a really Audi HD state of mind. And it's kind of the it taps into this idea of perfectionism. Autism often comes with a real details orientation. I need to have all the details and understand, and then I know the rules and the system works. Whereas ADHD can deviate. Uh, oh, I have this thing, oh, and then look at this thing. But if I'm stressed and having difficulties, I'm probably going to think my thought process in that space might be, oh, you said this, and then Auntie Joe said this, and then Uncle Bernice said this, and then they looked at me funny, and I'm not actually challenging any of those things. I'm just grabbing a detail and then inattentively jumping to the next one and holding it, and then I'm holding like a hundred kilos of stress, and I get overwhelmed and I my stress increases. A really great way, and I won't go too deeply into this, that I love for that is there's a strategy called worry postponement, and it's about writing down the stressful thing and coming back to it later on. I really like that because it gives my brain permission.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Sorry, well, what's the strategy called?

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Oh, the what strategy is called worry postponement.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Okay. Worry postponement. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really just about I've got this thing that's bugging me, yeah, and my brain wants to process it to keep me safe. It's like if I know what the danger is, I can protect myself. But if I write it down, I'm giving my brain permission to let go of it for now.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

But I need my brain needs to know I'm going to come back to it. So I do actually have to do that, otherwise, it doesn't work. But that can just let me let go of some of the worries when I'm really stressed out and my brain is looking for everything that's wrong. But also a break. And that is another form of taking a break. Just having a little bit of a break, whatever the break is that I need. Go to the beach, go for a walk, go talk to somebody else, um, go to the shop and buy a falafel, whatever it is that gives you a break to let you focus on other things.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Yeah, and I think um just to tangent our conversation a bit, um, how so we talked a little bit about like saying no and saying like setting that boundaries in whatever way that is comfortable in the sense of like, hey, I'm not able to come out today, you know, I'm having a lot of my plate, I'm so sorry, that sort of thing. Um, I think my question is more so like how do you decide at what point it's a no? And how do you decide at what point it's a I'll come but I'll ditch early?

SPEAKER_00 19:42

So I think for me it's my energy levels, but for the average person, well not the average person, for anybody else, um I'm not perfect at measuring my energy levels, but I think less than deciding on what I will go to is maybe if I know that I tend to get overwhelmed by lots of events, just saying in advance, hey, I absolutely I really want to come, um, but also I kind of know that I get really burnt out. So if I do come, it might only be for a short period. Um, or you know, I might already be burnt out, but I might not leave. Because, you know, we say in so many different contexts, consent is key. And if I'm front-loading you with, I really do want to come to your Christmas party or your birthday or your thing, um, but also I'm gonna be really exhausted for whatever reason, you at least can prepare. And for those beautiful autistes out there, if we know you're coming and then you're not, that can be really challenging. But if I don't have that expectation set, if I know that you actually might be exhausted, so I'm not committed in my head that you're going to be there, it can be much less jarring. So front loading with hey, I really want to come, but I might only stay for 20 minutes or half an hour, say hello, and then have to go. Or if I can't make it, then um I'll try and make it up to another time and catch up. And it's not about you, you know, it's about my energy.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

Yeah, so I think definitely like energy levels is a great way to decide at what which point. Um, and I think it's also just putting yourself in that situation, thinking about it. What other things do you think would be a good indication of where you're at? Because like I said, we tend to sort of ignore our bodies, our our cues, and that sort of thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Well, I think you know, our bodies and physical tiredness are a really good cue. But um, intrusion is a thing that a lot of neurodivergent people don't have uh a great strength in, and that's that ability to kind of be aware of what's going inside my body hunger, energy levels, pain, things like that. So maybe deliberately looking inside oh, am I feeling something in my stomach that could be hunger or anxiety? Am I feeling a bit down? Am I kind of thinking negative thoughts? Because sometimes. Sometimes that can be related to sort of depression and overwhelm, and my body is physically drained in those situations. Um, so just sort of checking in with myself, and if you have somebody that's close to you that you really trust, checking in with them because sometimes that's the right answer, too. Hey, do I look like it's okay for me to go out today? Or have I been being obnoxious because I didn't get enough sleep and I had to put up with like 33 uncles telling me how how not great I was dressed last night?

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Oh god, yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Uh Kylie, if you're out there, thank you for being that human for me.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Oh, lovely. Um, I think the last thing that I want to touch on is we talked a bit about unmasking in our autistic episode, and um you touched a lot about how that's a privileged thing, and it's very much like there's different outlets scripting and anything like that. How do you think one can unmask in settings like the holidays, or if at all they're able to do so?

SPEAKER_00 22:54

And I think I really like that last part that you added there just because whether or not I can unmask is so context-dependent on me, the people around me, and the places that I'm in. Um sorry, I dropped the question there. Was it uh how do you unmask?

SPEAKER_01 23:09

How do you unmask in settings like something as crazy as this?

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Yeah, so I think masking serves a purpose in that masking keeps us safe. When we feel safe, we're better able to engage in the things that the world wants of us, not necessarily the things that we need or must do. So if unmask, or if masking up is a thing that's required for a holiday period, um, then is wearing the mask and the stress associated worth the social payoff? Um, if I'm getting, I don't know, a lot of arguments at an event with some friends that I don't get along with that well, and 10 out of 10 for stress masking up, then a cost benefit analysis is really helpful. What are the costs? 20 out of 10. What are the benefits? Three out of 10. You know, I met a social expectation. I can always make a different choice. If the cost benefit analysis, I put the mask on, it costs me three points of stress. But you know what? I get to hang out with Uma and have a great chat. And Uma is very tolerant at my monologues, by the way, so I get to monologue for an hour. Um, if the cost benefit analysis is worth the effort, then mask in the way that serves me best. Um again, with informed consent. I love the idea of just going into a setting and going, hi, I'm a little bit autistic a lot. Uh it doesn't look it because I mask a lot. But saying that to people, if I have to go into a social setting and there's a chance that I might say something just observing a fact, but you might read that as an attack on you, I might just say, Hey, I'm I'm autistic, and I might say this in a way that feels like an attack, but it's not at all. It's me actually having a conversation with you and front-loading that to minimize the need to mask. So I think if we if I say something that is a bit uncomfortable, that's two sentences for me, that prevents me having to mask as much. That might be stressful for two minutes, but then I get a whole two hours of less stress for that for that outlay.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Yeah, I think that's a very apt contextualization of unmasking, and I think that's really helpful and insightful. So thank you for sharing that, Aaron.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Um, it's so, so great to sort of like take the podcast and sort of morph it through different lenses and different celebrations and different times of year. Because I think that you know, life is constantly going to be moving at you, and like there's not gonna be one tip that works every time. Very much so. So even from episode two to now episode five, even though the whiteboard is incorrect and now I'm so annoyed at myself.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

That's alright, ADHD. I didn't notice it either. So imagine magic five.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Magic five, beautiful number five. Um, but yeah, I think that's just insightful and it's really, really great. So thank you so much for taking us through that. And a very Merry Christmas to all our listeners.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Absolutely, and every merry everything else to anybody who doesn't celebrate Christmas.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

We will see you in the next one.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Absolutely. Thank you very much, friends. It is always a pleasure to make noise in your direction, and we look forward to chatting to you in our next episode. Bye! Merry Christmas.