Ep 6: NYE Special: The Quiet Between Years: Reflecting, Resetting & Reimagining

“The new year doesn’t need to fix you — you were already doing your best.”

In this reflective New Year’s themed episode of AuDHD Psych, Aaron and Uma explore the quiet space between years — a time often filled with pressure to reset, improve, and reinvent. Through a neurodivergent lens, they unpack why traditional New Year’s resolutions can feel overwhelming or harmful for autistic and ADHD people, and why slow, values-aligned change is often more sustainable. The conversation reframes growth as internal, incremental, and deeply personal, highlighting quiet wins, self-compassion, and progress that doesn’t need to be visible or performative. Rather than chasing arbitrary milestones, this episode invites listeners to honour what worked, question unhelpful beliefs, and move into the new year with curiosity instead of self-criticism.

Takeaways

• The New Year can amplify unrealistic expectations, self-judgment, and pressure to change overnight
• Traditional resolutions often clash with neurodivergent brains that value sustainability, flexibility, and meaning
• Small, quiet changes can have a bigger impact than dramatic overhauls
• Reflecting on what worked is just as important as identifying what didn’t
• Themes and values can be more supportive than rigid goals or timelines
• Progress is not linear, and planning for disruption reduces shame and burnout
• Self-compassion and relationship with self underpin all other goals
   Growth can be internal, subtle, and still deeply valid

Keywords
 AuDHD, neurodivergence, New Year mental health, autistic and ADHD goals, self-compassion, internal growth, quiet progress, neurodivergent goal setting, burnout prevention, reflective practice, New Year pressure, sustainable change

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Hello friends, welcome back to episode six, pre-recorded and coming to you on New Year's Eve. Happy New Year!

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Happy New Years! We might all be getting ready to head out, or if you're just staying in, which is what I will absolutely be doing.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Absolutely, I'm not gonna lie. I love me a quiet New Year's Eve.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

I hate the chaos. I'm at home, in bed, hair washed and ready to go to bed.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Oh, absolutely. My great favourite New Year's Eve is a quiet thing with quiet people doing quiet stuff. But if that's not your thing, go you. I love that for you. Well, welcome back. This week we are talking about the new year, and quick as a flash, I started talking about something unrelated and I've forgotten the lovely intro that we were talked about, Uma.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Um the episode is titled The Quiet Between Years. Yes. Reflecting, resetting, and reimagining.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

It is indeed. So obviously New Year's Eve themed, and just a little bit of a touch on how that can be for many of us, or what the expectations are and what we can be.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Yeah, absolutely. Um there's a lot of like fear and uncertainty that comes around with New Year's Eve, and you have probably bombarded with all these like you know capitalistic adventures of get a planner, get this, get that, get this, and you will fix your life. Oh, like, and I think something else that happens is you have two types of people. One that's like, where has the year gone by? And that's very much me, but also just someone that's also sort of like, I haven't accomplished anything this year.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

And I actually would say that for me it's both of those things, and the former was my ADHD going, where did the year go? And the latter was my autism, going, How did we waste it? But I think I really love over that you were just you know commenting on the kind of expectations of the coming year, and we do have these questionable uh things forced on us, you know, you need to change your life, do do more, be more, be better, be better than you were. But actually, you were better before, you were great. And for a lot of us with autistic characteristics, the new year can actually be a lot of change and a lot of changed expectation. And we can also just be kind to ourselves and recognize that we've worked really hard for the last year. And I like the process of going, is there something I can change that suits me rather than oh, I'm gonna go to the gym and get this body that Vogue tells me I need to have, or I'm gonna go and do this course and learn this thing that makes me look smarter to other people. You know what? Tap into your gorgeous autism and learn the thing that you love.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Yeah, I think that's really like what we could call a non-traditional win. Absolutely. When you people are always like, what are your New Year's Eve resolutions? And it'll be like, I need to get to bed early, I need to be more physically active, I need to go to the gym 10 times a week or whatever, I need to drink more water. And those are great goals to do it. And they're really good to sort of pour that energy into your body and everything, but sometimes, you know, there's non-traditional stuff as well, like what you mentioned, Aaron, like reframing things for what works for you.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Very much so, and I think just with that expectation that can be laid on top of the world at New Year's, uh, and just tapping into sometimes we just are overwhelmed at the end of the year, and trying to commit to going to the gym is setting ourselves up for failure, trying to commit to making some change. You know, I'll walk to work one day a week or I'll walk to the shops instead of taking the car. That can be, you know, somebody who regularly exercised might be going to the gym five days a week next year. My version can be what works for me and what helps me achieve my aims.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

I think internal growth is something else that we can touch on.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Absolutely. I really like, I really like that you brought that one up because I think internal growth is so different to everybody because we all see the world differently. But for me, part of internal growth is really questioning the things that I believe about myself, about the world, about the universe. Um, but in the world of neurodivergent folks and autistic ADHD is particularly, we learn a lot that's not actually helpful to us. We learn, you know, that whole too rigid over here because of my autistic characteristics, and I'm too chaotic over here because of my ADHD characteristics, and oh, you're chaotic, so you can't be autistic, and oh, you're really rigid, you can't be ADHD. And so I kind of learn things about myself that might not be true and might not be serving me. So I like this time of year to reflect on what was I thinking that wasn't helpful last year, and can I make some change to make that more helpful? And that's not for everybody, but that's what works for me. And I think if we look hard enough, we can also what worked really well. What was I doing that was great, and just honouring that and going, New Year, I'm gonna do more of that.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Yeah. Do more of the things that just make you feel good. Absolutely. I think that we tend to spend so much time thinking about things that make us feel bad, there's a lot of things that make you feel good, and inadvertently they just go hand in hand together.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

And ironically, often we're thinking about the things that make us feel bad because we think we're negatively impacting others or doing the wrong thing. But thinking about the things that we've done well can make us feel good and have a positive influence on others. And if the things that make us feel good don't harm others, let's pay attention to those too.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Of course. And I think another thing that I'd like to touch on is quiet progress because there could be something that you might have like realized that you wouldn't have been even doing this year, but it's like something that you've maybe internally made a bit more of an effort to think, and there has been progress in that particular area. Like for me, I would say maybe just I without even realizing I've sort of habit stacked my morning routine, and I feel like it's so good because um I realize that I just I need breakfast to function. So once I realize that that means that I need to be up a bit earlier, so I set alarms earlier than I have to be up. That's just great for me. That's what's worked. And now I don't leave the house like without my breakfast, and I feel like that's great, and that's been a progress, that's something that's built over the year.

SPEAKER_02 6:19

Brilliant. I've got a simpler one too. I am not a huge meat eater, it's not like a huge priority of mine, but I'm not vegetarian. But I noticed that I wasn't eating enough meat and was uh probably an iron issue, but uh having some things and just remembering to eat meat a few more times each month, you know. I I'm really happy that that little quiet win has had such a difference to my energy levels. Just that little change to diet. I haven't put myself on a specific high-nutrient diet. I've made a little change that's had a big impact.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Yeah, and I think another thing that I would like to add, just like a little shout-out to myself.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

No, I'm here for it. You deserve a shout-out.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

I started the year with like severe vitamin D deficiency. Like my doctor was like, we have to get you on a supplement. So we started off with just the daily ones, and I was like, these are a nightmare. I don't remember to take them daily. She was like, Alright, let's try the weekly ones. And I think I've kept up with the weekly ones. I think maybe I've missed like three weeks since we started, which has probably been like in September. But that's also progress. Brilliant, I love that.

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Well, my version of that is you know, I said I'd forgotten to buy my Vivans uh for a week on end with it being really obvious, but I got to buy it on my way here today, so I medicated and semi-functional, my version of functional, which I love.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Amazing. That's that's like that's just those little things in the day that you just miss because you just, you know, you're going around with the craziness of everything. Um, now let's talk a little bit about resolution and goals that respect neurodivergent brains. Very much. Because we are probably flooded with all these videos that are coming in right now, influencers telling you how you need to re reshuffle or the vision boards are a big one. Vision boards, they are helpful, not of course, but how do we sort of add this neurodivergent lens to things?

SPEAKER_02 8:01

I think don't get too caught up in New Year's resolutions. I I actually love the idea of long-term change. Um, if I want to make a change, it's not I'm changing this thing and a big change now. It's I'm gonna change it a little bit at a time. So my new year's resolution is always not I'm gonna go to the gym five times a week, it's I'm gonna go to the gym more this year than I did last year. That's a lie. That is never my goal. Look at this body. But for other people, that would be the version of what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:34

For me, in a realistic context, because my ADHD loves to do the things, it's I will take time off. And you know, sometimes it's a couple of hours each week, sometimes I take a whole day off each week, and that's growth for me, that's change, and it's not just a quick change that I can't sustain, it's a slow burn change that I've been incrementally doing, and it's actually more helpful for me than my ADHD starting to do the thing that my autism sets up, and then my ADHD going, uh, bored and not following through. And then I'm like, I'm so bad at changing the way I live. Actually, that's just not the way for me, and it's not the way for many of us who are neurodivergent.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Yeah. I think uh potentially, what kind of goals would I think thinking about goals that also feel energizing instead of stressful would be a way to reframe things. So if it's more movement, potentially thinking about that in a way that's energizing and not that stressful. Do you have any tips for that?

SPEAKER_02 9:37

So how much detail to give? So the conversation I have in a therapeutic context about emotions and how anxiety and excitement, uh, what our body's doing and our mind to some degree is very, very similar. I get excited, uh, if I get anxious, the physical tension is quite similar, what happens in my stomach is quite similar, my heart rate increases a little bit, my breathing increases to get the blood flowing around my oxygen to my brain. And so if I'm trying to set something that seems challenging, if I'm trying to set a goal that seems challenging and hard to motivate for, it's normally something for those ADHDers out there, we have a lot of failure experiences with sticking to things, so the procrastination is often, ah, I'm gonna fail at this, it's an underpinning anxiety. But what I tend to try and do is clock that because we can't lie to our brains and go, yep, there's a risk that I'm gonna ADHD all over this, but also any change is better than no change, you know. And if if I go walking once a week, that's better than no nunce a week, that's not a word. Yeah. Pretend. Um but then I look at the thing, whatever the thing is, and try to find the exciting part of it. And sometimes it's not, you know, it's not a New Year's Eve excitement, folks, and things. It's just I don't feel guilty and I can shift my anxiety from uh to more of an excitement or less of a barrier, more of an engaging, motivated, motivate uh motivated experience towards the thing.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Yeah, absolutely. Um I guess another thing that we could think about is I think a theme for the year, which is very similar to what you're saying in the sense of trying to break these things up into less of like, okay, I need to get five walks done this week. Yeah. And looking at it as more of like, I'm doing more walks this year, and that's about it. And I think rather than goals, themes, and overarching, like very much so.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

And you know, uh again, autism ADHD. Autism loves the detail, so sometimes having that, it depends on our characteristics, but sometimes having that set number is what I need, but sometimes being a bit freer and being more general, I'm going to exercise half of the week. Um, that gives me ADHD freedom if I have something come up on Tuesdays, but it also gives me a set boundary if I'm leaning into that autism characteristic of details orientation and following the rules. Yeah. But I think also we can, and I wonder if you've kind of had this experience, we can just tap into our characteristics for better or worse, because they're not inherently wins or losses. And I can lean into my ADHD when I'm a little bit novelty-seeking and know that my autism is probably tracking that and can bring me back on track later on. Or another thing that I love is if I know that I get bored of routines, my ADHD, I have a backup routine ready to go, and then I get that novelty and the routine. I wonder if Uma, you do anything sort of like that, any strategies that you have to help you achieve the things you want without the stress.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Cool. I think um I I definitely get bored of using just one tactic to keep me on task. Yeah. So I often switch between like a journal and a like my phone. I love it. Or even like sort of like, if let's say I'm really in a procrastinating state of mind, I will text a friend and be like, hey, I need you to check in on me tonight that I've done this because I'm afraid of getting this done. Yeah. And that's always been really helpful for me. And breaking it down into little little things, that's something that really works.

SPEAKER_02 13:12

And do you know what? If anyone out there has done CBT for ADHD, Uma's just tapped into a lot of beautiful parts of that. One of them is if you're having trouble getting started, the first step is too big. But most ADHD is out there, I think, will be able to clock this. And what you just said, Uma, and that's some people call it body doubling, some of us call it social accountability. It's I don't need an exam or the deadline for my assignment. Sometimes it can be my friend knowing that I was working on that to be the accountability that I need to pay attention and motivate. And that can be, you know, the thing. Saying to my partner, I'm gonna exercise uh half of the days each week can help keep me on track. And that's a lovely ADHD strategy.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

Yeah, absolutely. I think keeping people like appraised and also keeping yourself accountable just goes hand in hand, you know. And I think with the right support system, I have really great friends that just check in without being accusatory. So they come in, they're like, Hey, how'd you go with that? Do you need some help? Like, what's going on? Like, oh, that seems pretty important. Like, you wanted to get this job advocation done, that's really important. Like, did you get it done? How's that going? I think that's also important to remind remember remind ourselves because we all have different upbringings.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

I definitely have a friend that sort of messaged me being like, Hey, have you done it? Like, why haven't you done it yet? You know, and that's just a testament to their upbringing, not from all, you know, but that's just who they are. And I think that's really interesting to think about setting the intention of you know the year, yeah. But also remember reminding yourself that I was chatting with Aaron about this as well. Um, New Year's is such an arbitrary concept because um in different cultures, like New Year's dates will be different. So, like, for example, in Indian cultures, you'd have like a New Year's for each culture, and that comes much later in the year, yeah, and that's technically our calendar. And if you think about even with the Chinese culture, you've got the Chinese New Year that's a bit, you know, further down in the year. So it's ultimately still just a day. Yeah. And for you to put so much emphasis on your life being flipped in 24 hours is actually insane.

SPEAKER_02 15:10

Exactly. And I love the idea of, you know, we were talking about the different New Years, and we could also, at EHD would enjoy this, I think, we could also have a new year for everyone's New Year's and reset not just our expectations about my exercise, my diet, my social interactions, but reset my expectations for myself and how I'm viewing myself.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Did I make some change? Yeah, I did a good job.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Yeah. I think another thing that I think was really helpful. I have a few people that I follow on social media that have given tips sort of that they check in with themselves quarterly rather than waiting for the the year to pass. Because that can be very, I think it's really in I in I don't know if the word is human inhuman, but it's difficult for human beings to think about, okay, I'm gonna process 24 you know days or like 12 months of a year in one day. Like that's insane. So I think um this person was suggesting that you set quarterly goals and think about it as theme thematic as well. So if like January to March is probably you've just started a new job, how can I make sure that my goals align more with that? Yeah. And that's definitely something I've done.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

I love that. And for all the managers out there or people that work in organizations that have this style of management, I think what you're talking about there is a little bit like the whole KPI process without the stress of it. Um, but just sort of checking in with myself, how am I going with this goal that I had?

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

Um, if I was to like point to any goal for a lot of our community, it would just be that goal of my relationship with myself and improving that. Every other goal hinges off my relationship with me, how much do I love and respect me and honour me. And if I can improve that year on year, everything else can follow, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Absolutely, yeah. And I think um that's just a great way to sort of like I guess for ADHD individuals, it's like going into both of it because your ADHD will like the novelty of things and your autism will like the structure.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

So absolutely, it's great. And that's that you know, we were talking about the confounds a while back, and that's the thing that some people will go, oh, you're so novelty-seeking, can't be that. Oh, you're so rigid, can't be that. But actually, we can be both in different settings, and sometimes setting those standards and unrealistic expectations for ourselves with New Year's Eve, yeah, can set us up to beat ourselves up and have not a great relationship with ourselves like really. I love that um you said about quarterly check-ins. I tend to do it weekly, so we as psychologists in Australia, I think you would have covered it at least a little, we are trained to engage in reflective practice, and that's once a week, every Friday, 6 to 7 pm, uh, I check in with myself for an hour. What did I do well this week in a clinical sense? And what did I, what could I improve on from what I did this week? You know, if Uma and I were having a chat and I saw Uma's sort of do this, I'll reflect on that and think, oh, was there something that I did there that I could have done differently to make that that thing go better? Or if I had a conversation and somebody I was chatting to had a real aha moment, incidentally, that's why I'm a psychologist. It's the pleasure of that. Um, I'm like, okay, what did I do there, and how can I do that more with other people? And I think that's that quarterly check-in that you're talking about. For me, I do it for my work and I do it for my life a little less regularly. But um it just keeps me on track and allows me to goal set.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's great. And I think it doesn't even have to be quarterly, it can be weekly like yourself. Like everyone has their own timing. It's also just realizing that I think for me, I try to remind myself how like privileged I am in the sense that I'm able to live this year. And that in itself is already such an accomplishment. You don't need to go and find other things. No, if you've made it to this date, absolutely accomplishment in itself.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

And that's just a lovely comment. I was thinking about in one of the past episodes we were recording, or after, and that's just a lot of what I say comes from the position of privilege that I occupy in the world, you know, I live in this body, and not everybody has my experience, and I don't want to invalidate other people's experience because they're equally valid and joyful and beautiful and difficult. So, but the uh the reflective practice or the self-check in it can just be so helpful.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Absolutely. Um, just a sort of tangent. We love a good tangent. Um, let's touch a little bit about um what sort of obstacles pop up when you're trying to follow through on plans and resolutions. And I think we've already talked a bit about that, um, managing that.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

But let's just, for the sake of viewers and someone that maybe is tuning in and not of the Audi HD community, how what kind of things pop up when I think uh, and especially for I guess a lot of CBT therapists particularly, this is probably something that taps into um a difficulty that lots of neurodivergent people with ADHD characteristics have, which includes Audi HDs, and that is, and you touched on it too, that novelty seeking, which can make it difficult to follow through on a plan, or that distractability that can, or the impulsivity to do something else. And you know, I've worked with people and I've spoken to people who've worked with people where somebody has gone into therapy with CBT that's been delivered to a different brain style, and they've felt guilty, they've felt as though they've been made to feel guilty about not completing the CBT homework. And I think honoring that everyone's brain works differently, and my brain might not be great at CBT homework, and if that's the case, it might also not be really good at rigid set routines.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Um, and so just having more leeway towards my brain works this way, but your brain might not, and their brain might not. And what's the best way as a clinician for me to work with you? But for ourselves to me to set expectations, set goals for myself, and achieve them in the way that I want to.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Yeah, absolutely. How do you manage that? Um I think for me, I've actually forgotten the question that I've asked you.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Oh, we were talking about the this will never happen again, by the way. Uma forgetting and me being able to answer. Um, we were talking about that um setting of goals and the novelty seeking, setting routines and sticking to them.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

Yeah, I think the sort of challenges that I face is definitely in relation to also the emotional side of things. I think I will get very frustrated if I'm not achieving it, if it's let's say like something like a health issue pops up. Like I fall sick for a week, so I can't go to the gym. That will throw me off a lot more than I realize. Yeah. And I think giving myself that grace and finding that like middle ground of okay, like I was going maybe five times a week, so I can't expect myself to go five times a week after I. Recovered from a month-long cold, perhaps. So I think it's just about rationalizing these things and sort of like I think it really helps because I depend on like the people close to me and I tell them, like, this is what's bothering me, and they'll be like, valid. Yeah, but you are also doing this, and you're also doing this, and I think that's a thing that we sort of forget um in the world that we live in because it's very like, what's next? What's next?

SPEAKER_02 22:22

Well, I think too, and I love the example that you gave as well. Like, you know, when we're sick, we can't plan for everything, and you know, my autistic characteristics love to know what's coming, and so if I set a plan and then don't meet it, I can really also kind of beat myself up a little bit. Excuse me. But um, one thing that I do with some of the people that I chat to is plan for breaking the plan because then I'm setting my goal setting includes oh well if I'm sick or if something else comes up, then in that situation, I, you know, I don't expect myself to do the change every week of the year. Um, instead of like, oh, I'm gonna exercise more each week than I did last year, and then I include a caveat, okay, I'm gonna do that as many weeks as I can, and that gives me me personally and some of the people I work with, different for everybody, that leeway to then not like self-flagellate. I love that word. Um, when I am sick and don't get the I won't say how many hours of work done I'd like to get done every day, but don't get all of my work done.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Yeah, that's so fair. Um, I think just to end off on maybe talking about about like the emotional impacts of goals, and your earring has actually just fallen off. I don't know what that maybe that's the I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

unknown 23:40

No.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Again. Um about the emotional impact of goals. Well I think there's two options there. When we achieve our goals, there's mastery, and that's such a positive thing, and that can motivate us more, and that can go into similar goals or even unrelated goals. We're like, oh, I had this win and now I've got the energy for another win. But the flip side is that we can have the reverse if we set a goal and then maybe have some social accountability, some body doubling. Tell my friend I've set this goal, and then we don't meet it and we feel like a failure, and we feel like we've failed my friend.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

So there can be that negative emotional aspect. And I think giving ourselves that grace, that leeway, okay, I'm gonna do this to the best of my ability as often as I can, because our energy levels go up and down, our stress, our sickness, our health goes up and down, our tolerances go up and down. And just knowing that there is no straight line in the universe outside of abstract maths. Um, and if that's the case, then some days I'm gonna be able to meet all of my goals, and some days I'm gonna be able to meet none of my goals. And that's the beauty of being a human. Oh hello, Alicia Landsdown in the Human Being Podcast. That is, shout out to Alicia. Yeah. That's the beauty of being human, is we're imperfect, but that's not, I feel like, such a broken record. That's not a bad thing. And Kintsugi pottery, broken pottery, like heeled back together and beautiful with gold or silver glue is such a great example of that. And when we can see ourselves through that lens, we can have a better emotional experience about the goals that we set, meet, and maybe don't quite meet.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

Yeah, absolutely. And um, I think it's just about being graceful and kind to yourself, you know, navigating the holidays and then navigating so many emotion-rich things. And it's interesting because uh we think about like this time of year as the holidays, but you're not really getting a bit of a break, are you?

SPEAKER_02 25:39

No, quite often we're not.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Quite a quite a conundrum there. Um, but I think that's about all we have for today, Aaron. If you want to just conclude the episode.

SPEAKER_02 25:47

Absolutely, and again, thank you so much for joining us. Uh, I think I've said it before and I'll say it again because we love some free marketing. Likes, follow, and subscribe if you will. We love your company, we love your comments, we love your feedback, and happy new year! Happy New Year! Bye, team. Squeezy, squeeze.