Ep 28: Understanding Neurodivergence - Relationships, Friendships and Intimacy in AuDHD, ADHD and Autism

 🎙️ Ep 28 — Relationships: Friendship, Loneliness & Intimacy Across Neurotypes

"It's not meeting my needs. It's not meeting your needs. It's meeting our needs in the best balance for us"

⚠️ Content note: this episode includes brief discussion of trauma, including sexual trauma.

If we're different and not defective, why do so many of us find relationships hard? In this episode, Aaron Howearth (Clinical Psychologist) sits with that question and works through friendship, loneliness, and intimacy across neurotypes — not as evidence of a deficit inside us, but as something that lives in the space between us and the people we're trying to connect with.

We start with what the research bears out: on average, autistic people report being lonelier and having fewer, lower-quality friendships — though this varies enormously from person to person, and many of us genuinely prefer smaller, higher-quality networks. From there we get into the double empathy problem: the idea that communication difficulties aren't a one-sided skills deficit, but a two-way mismatch, like speaking the same language in a slightly different dialect. When neurotype-matched pairs communicate, that difficulty largely disappears — which tells us it's a language barrier, not a broken person. We look at why community is protective, why masking costs us, and why the evidence is stronger for autism than ADHD, with only grey-literature hints that double empathy extends to ADHD too.

We then turn to intimacy across neurotypes — comparable desire for connection, but real barriers around sensory sensitivity, communication style, and a statistically higher likelihood of trauma. Finally, we bring in Gottman's work on partner responsiveness (turning towards vs turning away) and a warm-hug framing of attachment styles, landing on the most practical lever of all: understanding how you and your partner work, and meeting needs in the balance that's right for your context.

In This Episode (Chapters)

• (00:00) Different, not defective — so why are relationships hard?
• (00:45) Friendship and loneliness: what the research bears out
• (02:00) Fewer but higher-quality friends — and why that's often a preference
• (02:45) A spectrum of understanding, not a skills deficit
• (03:30) Same language, different dialect: where nuance gets lost
• (04:15) The thin evidence base for ADHD and friendship
• (05:00) Masking costs us; community is protective
• (06:00) The double empathy problem, and how it was tested
• (08:00) Why it's a language barrier, not a broken person
• (09:00) Does double empathy extend to ADHD? A pragmatic argument
• (10:30) Intimacy across neurotypes: comparable desire, real barriers
• (11:30) Sensory sensitivity, communication, and trauma (content note)
• (13:00) It's not always "because I'm autistic" — stress and history matter
• (14:00) Gottman, turning towards vs turning away, and bids for connection
• (17:00) Partner responsiveness: the strongest lever we can pull
• (18:30) Attachment as a big warm hug: secure, avoidant, anxious, disorganised
• (21:00) ADHD, conflict, and satisfaction — statistical, not deterministic
• (23:00) The push-pull cycle of anxious and avoidant partners
• (25:00) Higher risk of interpersonal stress and how it shapes attachment
• (26:30) What we can do: naming our style, our needs, and our part
• (28:00) Boundaries as meeting our needs in balance — closing reflection

Key Takeaways

• The difficulty usually isn't in us — it lives in the interaction. Relational difficulty is a mismatch between communication styles, not an inherent deficit.
• On average, autistic people report more loneliness and fewer, lower-quality friendships — but this varies widely, and many of us genuinely prefer small, high-quality networks. Loneliness drops with better friends, not necessarily more of them.
• The double empathy problem reframes "social deficits" as social differences: neurotype-matched pairs communicate without significant impairment; the difficulty arises when different neurotypes meet. It's a contested idea, but a simple, elegant one.
• Masking costs us — it raises stress. Being around community is protective because our communication styles align more closely, so we feel heard, understood, and connected.
• The evidence base is strongest for autism; ADHD friendship research is thin, mostly in children and college students. Double empathy probably extends to ADHD (a pragmatic, clinical argument), via verbal impulsivity rather than filtering.
• Intimacy: desire for connection is comparable to the general community, but barriers around sensory sensitivity, communication, and a higher likelihood of trauma can get in the way — often it's stress or history amplifying the dynamic, not the neurotype itself.
• Partner responsiveness is the single strongest determinant of healthy neurodivergent relationships. Turning towards small bids for connection — even a "mm-hmm, yes dear" — builds trust; consistently turning away erodes it.
• Attachment is about trusting that our needs will be met. Secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganised (anxious-avoidant) styles play out in a push-pull cycle — and our higher risk of interpersonal stress and trauma can push us toward insecure attachment.
• The practical work: ask what my attachment and relational style are, what I expect, what I might be doing that makes my partner pull away — and the reverse. Then have the conversation. Boundaries aren't about my needs or your needs; they're about meeting our needs in the best balance for our context.

A Note on the Evidence

Today's discussion draws on a mix of peer-reviewed research (strongest for autism, and for the double empathy work), grey literature (particularly for any extension to ADHD), and lived-experience and clinical observation. Where the ADHD-and-friendship evidence is thin, or where the argument is pragmatic rather than trial-based, that's named clearly in the episode.

Disclaimer

This episode is general educational and advocacy information only. It is not individualised or tailored therapy, assessment, or advice. Aaron does not provide relationship counselling. If you need support, please speak with your GP or a registered practitioner in your area.

Thanks for listening, and remember — we are different, not defective. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty pod podcast. Potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty potty pod podcast. We love an audio stim and self-acceptance. It's the Audi HD Psych Podcast. Hello friends, welcome back to the Audi HD Psych Podcast. I'm Aaron Howard, Clinical Psychologist, and we are different, not defective. If we are different and not defective, why do so many of us have difficulty in relationships? Well that's the question we're going to tap into today. And we'll be looking at friendship and loneliness in neurodivergent folk, the double empathy problem as an idea of why we have some difficulties, intimacy across different neurotypes, and finally a little look at attachment across neurotypes. So in terms of friendship and loneliness, the research bears out that, particularly in the autistic community, that we're on average lonelier than the typical person. And on average, we have less and we rate lower quality friends than the average person in the community. That's not a fixed thing, it varies by from person to person. Pardon me. But it is something that the research bears out, and it feeds into us understanding that many of us do have difficulties with relationships, and that's not inherently central to us. Our brains have uh developed or functioned differently, and so that means we're going to have different methods of communication. That necessarily creates a divide between us and the rest of the community, and I'll touch on the double empathy problem again in a moment. So loneliness, however, does tend to drop with friends and with relationships. So if I have either better quality friends, usually, I don't need to have more friends. And our relationships, the quality of those relationships, intimate partner and friendships matters also. Though we do have fewer and lower quality friends, um, according to self-report research, having a close friend is really common. And many of us prefer smaller networks. So we actually prefer those smaller numbers of people with better connections, better quality connections. One way of looking at it is a spectrum of understanding, and this really comes into that diagnostic criteria or cluster in the social communication cluster of characteristics that we see in autism. If we think of it as if I socially interact well, then I understand you well. My communication aligns with yours. And so a spectrum of understanding is a really nice way of thinking about relationships. It's not a skills deficit per se. You know, I've said it before, it's like all people speak a language, let's say English, but neurodivergent folk, we speak a slightly different dialect. So there's nuance that's missed from us to the typical community, from the typical community to us, and sometimes within different groups of neurodivergent people. So the research on ADHD and friendship is relatively thin, and there's almost no research so far on Aud and Friendship. So we're kind of drawing from what's available in the ADHD and Audi HD research. Um, the best evidence for ADHD is in children and college students, and there's not a whole lot of adult ADHD data. But I've said it before in different episodes, and I'll say it again. What we can say for sure is that masking across our groups costs us, increases our stress, and being around people like us, being around community, is protective. Why is that? Because we're around people like us. We are communicating with people who may not have an identical communication style, but our communication style is more aligned with one another than it is with the typical community. And I beg your pardon. And when that's the case, we feel heard, we feel understood, we feel included, and we're able to bond more. So that really taps neatly into the double empathy problem, which is a contested idea. Uh, some people have argued that its logic is not ideal, but it's a really nice model to look at the social deficits that are diagnosed through, and really gives us a way to demonstrate that they are actually social differences, not social deficits inherently, and the difficulties arise out of the mismatch between our communication style and the communication style of the typical person. So I believe it was Milton a while back, I can't think of the year right now, but uh proposed the double empathy problem, and there was uh it was tested also, and essentially it was looking at uh communication between pairs of people who were matched by neurotype or not. And communication and being able to understand one another was not significantly impaired between neurodivergent and neurodivergent people when compared to neurotypical and neurotypical pairs. So essentially, there was no communications difficulty if the neurotype of the pair or the couple was the same. The difficulty arose when two different neurotypes attempted to communicate. What does that tell us? It tells us it's a language barrier, really, either verbal or physical communication style, or just the way I communicate verbally. What does that tell us again about community? When we're around community, our stress is lower because it's easier for us to communicate and feel heard. When it's easier for us to communicate, it's easier for us to feel connected. And that's what we're talking about here with friendship, loneliness, and relationships. It's that interpersonal connection. So most of the double empathy research or uh papers are around uh autism, and there is some grey literature evidence that suggests that it may extend to ADHD as well, and I would argue that it probably does. Um that's a pragmatic argument based on my observations clinically and in life. And that's it's my autism might be a barrier to me filtering what I'm thinking when I speak, but my ADHD, that impulsivity, there's verbal impulsivity that we actually use as a diagnostic criteria when it impacts us. And that's that uh not so much the lack of filter, but I have something to say, and I just say it without thinking about what the outcome might be. So that's where ADHD probably leads to some social differences as well, and that's necessarily going to impact on our relationships. But as I mentioned, uh double empathy is contested. Some people have argued that its train of logic isn't strong. Um, but irrespective of that, I personally uh really like the idea because it's a simple, elegant way to describe where the difficulty in communications actually arise, and it's not within the community of neurodivergent people, it's actually in the interaction, the same with all relational difficulties. So now I'll have a little talk about um intimacy across neurotypes. So in autism, compared to the general community, the desire for connection, the desire for sexual intimacy is comparable to the typical community, but the barriers to that compatibility, to that connection, uh vary. We have sensory and communication barriers. I've touched on it before. Being around other neurodivergent people makes communication easier generally, but we also each have our own communication style, and so there can be communications differences. We can have sensory differences. If I have a sensory sensitivity that's uh you know not liking being touched, and that amplifies when I'm really stressed, that's going to impact my capacity for sexual intimacy. If I at neurodivergent communities, uh, we are statistically more likely to have experienced trauma, trigger warning, including sexual trauma, and that will necessarily impact on somebody's ability to feel safe and relaxed in intimate relationships. So that can become a barrier. That's not internal to our characteristics, that's an interaction between perhaps my sensory differences and my stress and trauma history. And we need to remember that. Sometimes it's not about me being autistic that causes that difficulty, it's about the stress in my life or the trauma that I've experienced that's amplifying something about the dynamic that creates difficulty for me. But how can we improve relationships and intimacy? Um, I'm a big fan of Gottman's relationship uh theory and practice. I don't do relationship counseling, I'm conflict diverse, but I did do the training because I thought uh relationships are relationships with a very intimate partner or not. And what I'm about to talk about really taps into their ideas of turning towards or turning away. One of the strongest levers to pull, or one of the strongest ways to keep neurodivergent relationships functioning really, really well, and a really strong determinant of uh healthy neurodivergent relationships is partner responsiveness. And in Gottman's theory, they talk about turning towards or turning to way. And I recall in one of the videos that I watched, it gave a really good example. Um, we make bids for connection. Uh, I say, Oh, I've had such a lovely day, when we're the only two people in the room, and that's kind of an invitation for you to say, Oh, how was your day? or oh, that's lovely. So I say, I've had such a lovely day, and you say, Oh, that's lovely, I'm really happy for you. That's turning towards, that's accepting that bid for affection and acknowledging it. If I don't respond, though, that's considered turning away. So I've kind of reached out to you for a hug and you haven't responded at all. And when we do that consistently, when we turn towards, when we're responsive to our partner, we actually build stronger bonds and more trusting bonds. When we turn away and we're when we're not responsive, that can actually be something that we can change to improve our relationships. And it doesn't have to be huge. The video that I'm thinking of with the Goblin's training was just um it was a very um cisgender heterosexual video. It was uh a partner, wife perhaps, and husband. And husband was sitting, I think, reading a newspaper, wife was at the sink looking out the window and saying something like, Oh, it's such a pretty day. And the examples were the husband kept reading the newspaper, or the husband going, yes, dear. And even that little mm-hmm, yes, dear response was shown in their research to indicate um acceptance of that bid for connection, that bid for uh that turning toward. And that's protective for relationships in the typical community and in our communities. So partner responsiveness, and the thing I love about information more broadly is it can help us understand what we need and what we want, but it can also help us understand how to meet other people's needs. Everybody will have a different, I don't love the language love language. That was kind of fun to say, by the way, love, love language. Um everyone has a different way of showing love and communicating and clearly expressing that. So, you know, I'll touch on attachment. I probably naturally have an anxious avoidant attachment, but I've had some really good relationships that have brought my attachment style to being quite secure, which is I trust that my partners will meet my needs, but that anxious attachment, if that's triggered, that's um I lose that trust that my partner will respond well to me, and then I do what I must. You know, I become anxious and I do the things to try and get that love, that need, that attention, um, that need for connection met. Why does that matter? Because if I have a partner who has an avoidant attachment, they're the opposite. If they feel I'm not going to meet their needs, they naturally will turn away. Where I, if I feel like my needs aren't being met, naturally turn towards and try and try and get that attention. If they naturally turn away, then my anxious attachment, my reaching for intimacy and connection actually triggers more of their turn away. And then their turning away triggers more of my bids for attention, my sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful ways of getting that connection, that validation, and building that trust. And so that's where we can see some real difficulties arise in neurodivergent folk and insecure attachment. Just bringing myself back off track, because I've jumped ahead to the attachment section, um, that strongest lever that we can pull is partner responsiveness and understanding how we work in relationships and how our partners or partner, sorry, partner or partners work in relationships can be really helpful in understanding that. Finally, ADHD itself has been found to have more conflict within couples and lower adjustment and lower relationship or sexual satisfaction broadly. That's not every single ADHD and not every single ADHD couple. And it's worth noticing, and this is not central to ADHD, that violence is statistically found at elevated likelihood in ADHD. But that's not deterministic. That doesn't mean ADHD causes violence or anything like that. It's just a statistical thing, maybe related to the emotional impulsivity that we talk about and we see in ADHD, but it's certainly not anywhere near the majority, and it's certainly not definitive of ADHD. Now I've touched on much of what I wanted to talk about in the attachments across neurotypes. Um, and I'll just quickly briefly, quickly, briefly, yes I will. I'll just quickly talk about different attachment styles. I like to think of attachment styles in terms of a big warm hug. Attachment is about the meeting of needs. I trust that the people I'm close to will meet my needs when I have them. So if we frame that as a big warm hug, we have secure attachment, which is I reach out to hug you and you give me a hug back, and we both love a hug, and the oxytocin is released. Um, oxytocin being the love drug that our bodies and brands produce. But insecure attachment is different. I can have an avoidant attachment, and that is you reach out for a hug and I turn away, insert Gottman conversation here. I can have an anxious attachment, and that's I do what I must to get your hug, regardless of you know, anything. That's my biggest priority is meeting my need. I need you to meet it because I don't believe that you will, so I do the things I want to. And then there's disorganized, um, ambivalent is another language for it. I'm anxious, avoidant, fearful avoidant. And this is a bit of a mix of anxious and avoidant. It's sort of like I really, really want the hug, so I reach out for the hug. But then when the hug comes in, I push you away. I don't want the hug anymore. So I'm anxious for your attention and love and connection, but I don't feel safe in that. So when it gets too close, I push you away, push pull. Um and you can see how those of us with Anxious or avoidant or anxious avoidant attachment can really have difficulties with relationships. When you then consider that we are at higher risk of interpersonal stress and trauma, bullying, exclusion, trauma and assaults, you can see that that would amplify or lead us to develop insecure attachments, which we would then apply in our relationships, in our friendships, in our intimate partner relationships, and in our sexual relationships. So, what's the point of all of this? The point is that some of us do have difficulty in relationships, but when we understand why we might be having them, that gives us an understanding of how we can improve our relationships. And I come back to turning towards partner responsiveness. It's the biggest determinant of uh positive neurodivergent relationships, and as Gottman's shown, it's really important, an important element of relationships more broadly, and can be predictive of the end of a relationship. So, what can we do? We can ask ourselves, what's my attachment style? What's my relational style? What are my expectations? And what am I doing that might lead my partner to pull away from me? And the reverse is true. What is my partner doing that makes it really difficult for me to engage in a way, in the way that I want? And this isn't about dominating one person or the other with each other's needs, then we can have a conversation. This is what I need from you. How can you give that to me in a way that makes you feel safe? This is what you need from me, how can I provide that to you in a way that makes me feel safe? And if you've heard the language boundary setting, that's exactly what we're talking about here. It's not meeting my needs, it's not meeting your needs, it's meeting our needs in the best balance for us in our context. And I think that's about where I'll wind it up today, friends. But thank you very much for listening. I hope this has been very helpful, and please feel free to comment and let me know if there's anything you'd like to see changed or spoken about in upcoming episodes. Uh, please let me know. And remember, we are different, not defective, and I look forward to chatting to you again soon.