Connor Stout on Contamination OCD, Panic Attacks & Harm OCD

In this episode of The OCD Confessional, we’re joined by Connor Stout — psychiatric rehabilitation specialist, mental-health advocate, and founder of @stillgood_wellness — for a powerful conversation about living with OCD, panic disorder, and depression.

Connor shares how his journey began with contamination OCD as a child, when his parents first noticed changes in his behavior that led to a diagnosis. He opens up about the progression of his mental health — including severe panic attacks that kept him from leaving his house, experiences with harm OCD, and a depressive episode in college that ultimately led him to step away from school.

We talk about the moments that shaped him and how his experiences led him to a career helping others rebuild their lives after mental illness.

In this episode, we explore:
 • What contamination OCD really feels like
 • Panic disorder and being afraid to leave home
 • Harm OCD and intrusive thoughts
 • Depression and identity loss
 • The turning point toward recovery
 • Why talking about mental health matters

Connor’s story is honest, vulnerable, and deeply hopeful — a reminder that even in the hardest seasons, growth and connection are possible.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Well, we're gonna modify that little part where um Liam made you sound like a a dropout.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Put it all on him, right?

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

I had in here a Connor as a piece of shit. So I'm just gonna update that.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

Yeah. I'm trying to Liam is uh a little brutal sometimes. So we'll change that.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

I love it. I I'm the youngest of four, so it's like uh I I you guys have a great energy. I'm ready to do this.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

I'm Alicia.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

And I'm Liam. We both have OCD. And instead of spiraling alone, we decided to turn our symptoms into a podcast. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

Here we overshare real stories, laugh through the anxiety, and talk to actual experts who can explain why your brain keeps asking, What if I accidentally marry my cousin?

SPEAKER_01 0:47

Whether your thing is hand washing, mental rituals, or just silently panicking during normal conversations, congrats, you have found your people.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

This is a safe place, unless you're an interest of thought. In which case, get in line, buddy. We're booked.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

So grab a weighted blanket, cancel your plans for the fifth time, and let's dive in. This is the OCD Confessional.

SPEAKER_03 1:09

And yes, we did check this recording four times before uploading it.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Welcome back to the OCD Confessional. Connor Stout describes himself as just a dude in his 20s who has OCD. He was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder at 10 years old, struggling with contamination OCD and harm OCD. His symptoms got bad enough in college that he had to take a break from school. But he's now a psychiatric rehabilitation specialist, dedicating his career to helping others dealing with mental health issues. And he's created a platform, Still Good Wellness, with the aim of creating community and reducing stigma. Connor, welcome to the OCD Confessional.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited. Like uh we said, first time, first podcast ever. So I'm glad I was it's with you two.

SPEAKER_03 1:58

Well, we are honored to have you, Connor.

unknown 2:00

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

We are gonna jump in. We'd like to start. I know you've heard a few episodes, so we'd like to start with a confession. So, Connor, do you have a confession today? An OCD confession.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

So I'm actually gonna give you guys two. I don't know if you've ever had somebody give two, but I'm gonna give two. So my first one is uh when I was in college, I was a freshman in college, going in my sophomore year, and I was shopping to go back to school. So I was like, all right, I'll get a new pair of shoes. Um, and I had an obsession about sizes, like the just right OCD. So is this the right size? Is this shoe too tight? Is it too big, too wide, whatever it was. So I actually went to a shoe store, tried a 10 and a half on, bought that one, wore it for a few days, went back, returned them, wore the 11 for a few days, and I think I went back, tried the 10 and a half again, wore those for a few days. Fourth time was the charm. I took the 11 home and I wore that. Um, yeah, so I didn't scuff the shoes up enough for them to notice, but that's I was gonna say I'm surprised they took them back after all that. Crazy, yeah, yeah. So crazy. Um, so that was my one confession, and then my second confession is just coming on this podcast is a little exposure for myself. Um, I'm actually traveling right now, visiting some college friends. And when you guys reached out to me, I was hesitant to accept this date because I'm not in my perfect setting. Um, so usually I like to be in my room with notes in front of me, um, you know, in a comfortable setting that I know. So right now I'm in Maryland doing my thing from a college friend's house, and uh, that's myself.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

And how do you feel being out of your comfort zone?

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Well, at first I was like, damn, I don't know if this is gonna go too well. I feel like my nerves are gonna get in the way, but uh, you guys make it pretty easy. So I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

No. Well, I can relate to that. I have a little bit of perfectionism for sure, and I will spiral into a panic attack if things don't feel perfect. So thanks for being here, despite being in your comfort zone.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

You should see Alicia's setup for the lighting and how that takes.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

I've actually gotten a lot better if I don't even have lights. I just sit in front of a window. That's right. It's when I have to set up the lights and they don't yeah, it's a whole thing and it it sends me into a function.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

I just got the window light. I got God's light on me right here, just the sun shining. That's right.

SPEAKER_03 4:19

The best light. Okay, so Connor, do you remember the first time OCD showed up for you or when something felt not right?

SPEAKER_00 4:26

I do. So I was in second grade at this time, so I believe I was eight, eight by around eight years old. Um, and when I would come home to do my homework, I would spend insane amounts of time doing an assignment. So, for example, if it was like a writing assignment to write five sentences about a book, it should probably take me 10-15 minutes as a second grader, and it would take me an hour because I had this perfectionism um inside of myself where I would erase because the letter L didn't look perfect, or I'd erase because one letter was bigger than each other when I when I wrote it. So it was a visual thing. Um it got to the point where I would have episodes where just like I'd be venting, crying at the uh table. Like I'll see some things on TikTok, it's like trying to do your homework with your son or daughter and both the parents and the uh the son or daughters crying, everything. It was like that. And it got to the point where like I would erase so much that um my mom and I would have to tape the papers back together, stuff like that. So that uh was before the contamination OCD. So I had this like perfectionism thing, and my parents kind of started to notice that. But then for myself, um, is like the following, about a year and a half later, going in, uh, like when I turned nine, ten years old, I was on summer vacation at the beach with my family, and I was spending more time in the bathroom washing my hands. Uh, you know, I grew up, like I said, in a family of four siblings outside covered in dirt all the time, playing outside, and I would just, you know, put your hands in the bag of chips and eat them without washing your hands. And and then all of a sudden I was spending time in the bathroom, and that's when my parents noticed it. My mom, I remember she came in on vacation, she said, Hey, what are you doing? And they're still, you know. Um, but I didn't think anything of it. I never heard of OCD, nobody in my family's ever heard of OCD. So that I would say the hand washing was like the second to the perfectionism in writing that I was like, all right, something's might be up.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

What did your parents make of it? I know you said your mom noticed, but once they realized the extent of it, what did they think?

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Yeah, so that summer when they realized that we went on vacation in July, I think, middle of the summer, and it wasn't too, too bad. Um, you know, instead of 20 seconds washing my hands, it would be a minute, a minute and a half. As we know, OCD sneaks in without us realizing sometimes. And by the time I started school that third grade year, um, I was spending five minutes washing my hands, and all those different uh like levels of it would come in. So by the time October came around of that fall school year, um, I was using the extremely hot water, large amounts of soap, um, and then the duration obviously was the biggest thing. And and that's when my parents realized because my hands uh were starting to get chapped, right? And it was still nice out and like not the middle of winter chap. They were cracking and bleeding um as like the visual to my actions of what I was doing, um, other than just being in the bathroom the whole time, you know.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Do you remember what was going on in your little head at that point? Like were you just feeling what were you trying to make sense of what was going on?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Yeah, so in in my head, I truly believed, like as Connor, I I thought my hands were still dirty. I thought that if I didn't use this much soap or I didn't have the water as hot as it could go, that it wasn't clean enough. And and my underlying fear was that I was gonna get sick. And you know, now it's easy to look back 14 years later and say, oh, that was silly, why did it bother me that much? But when you're in it, there's it's it's when you're in the mud, you don't see anything around you, right? It's kind of like you have your your horse blinders on to everything else. So I um all I remember was just fully investing in fully believing that my hands were not clean enough. That's the only thing I could think of. And then it finally would be like, all right, after five minutes, they felt just clean enough, you know, and then I could exit the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Was it showing up in other ways? Were you taking super long showers or avoiding touching certain things in public, doorknobs, that kind of stuff?

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

So the hand washing was the first set of it, and then it expanded into a large um amount of different things. Uh so I would do the classic open the doorknob with the elbows. I'm sure a lot of people who are listening to this who have contamination OCD, they would do uh like I used to do the elbows. I used to do um like I put my shirt over my hand to open doorknobs.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Um I still do that sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

Yeah, it happens.

SPEAKER_03 9:01

I was gonna say you used to do, so at what point did you get diagnosed and did you go through ERP to overcome those compulsions or what?

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah. So uh November of when I was 10 years old, that November in third grade, my parents uh took me to a psychologist. Uh, and that's when I got my diagnosis of OCD. And at the time, I remember coming home, it was right before Thanksgiving break, and my siblings were asking me about it, and I was like, guys, I have OCD, right? I thought I was like the man, you know, it's like when you get a new tattoo when you're showing all your friends, I'm like, oh my gosh, guys, I have OCD. And little did I know how uh like how much of a disruption it would be to my life because right then I was like, oh, I have OCD, they labeled it, we're good. And um from there it just really took off, I think, um in so many different ways. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

I think you're so lucky in a lot of ways that one, your parents were present and aware enough to notice something was up, and then to take you to a psychologist. I think they're for some people there's a stigma, yeah, that they don't necessarily want to do it. Um, and then that when you did go to the psychologist, they recognize it as OCD. We I mean we've heard from so many people on this podcast of getting the wrong diagnosis or the wrong treatment, even if they got the right diagnosis. So I'm glad you were able to get that at 10, but it sounds like that wasn't the end of the story. And your contamination OCD at some point turned into harm OCD. So can you just take us from you get diagnosis through to when things really start to spiral for you?

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Yeah. So um, first off, yeah, just shout out to my parents and my and my family first. Uh, I'm super blessed with that. Until to this day, I've been blessed with a supportive um environment with my family, friends, community as well. Um, because I like you were saying, Liam, like I was listening to you uh on the podcast yesterday coming here. It was like you were misdiagnosed a few times, if I'm correct. And then now that you have it, uh like from the start, I knew OCD, right? So that's been a blessing. So after my diagnosis in uh that October uh when I was in third grade, it really amped up from like that Thanksgiving weekend uh to Christmas. It took this, it was almost like the OCD took steroids, right? It all of a sudden it came in to the gym the next day and it was all buff and beef and it took off and it started to do um some wild things, and that's when uh more OCD compulsions came. So the hand washing obviously huge. Um and then there's vivid memories I have, um, Christmas break of uh compulsions related to brushing my teeth, uh taking a shower, anything that had to do with cleansing my body of any sort. So 10 years old, uh I was in Philadelphia visiting some family for Christmas break, and that's when I realized how disruptive my OCD was because instead of spending time opening gifts with the family, having dinner together, um my mom and dad actually took turns helping me brush my teeth as a 10-year-old. Um I remember it would, I think it took me probably 45 minutes to an hour to brush my teeth because one, I had to do it a certain way, so there was that just right OCD. So I even remember it was like start on the right side, outside, uh middle, and then inside, and then you work your way to the left and then go to the bottom. But I didn't trust myself enough to do it. So then that's when my parents were brushing my teeth for me. And it sounds silly, and I used to be embarrassed of that, um, but it's so real because there's a lot of people out there who are struggling with it, and uh that was like the first thing I realized was, oh my gosh, it's taking me an hour to brush my teeth. And then as far as the showers went, um, or the baths or whatever I was doing, my OCD convinced me that, for example, I remember uh I was taking a bath over Christmas break, and as the water fills up into the into the basin, right, it creates bubbles when the water hits creates bubbles, right? Sorry, it's just it's doing that. Uh my OCD told me those were germs that were being created. So instead of seeing bubbles, I saw germs. So I would have to like not watch it when it filled up, and it would take me two and a half hours to take a bath sometimes. And that's when I really said, Hey, this isn't right. I was so distressed. Um, and I remember telling my mom and my dad, I said, like, I want to start worrying about what a kid should worry about, like inclusion in a video game or uh, you know, like having a crush on somebody at school, and instead I was stuck in this bathroom over Christmas break, just trying to get myself clean to OS standards. And then that's when the ERP came in after that.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

Yeah, it's a full-time job, and and your brain does not stop. It is an overdrive 24-7. And there's there it did you feel like knowing that you had OCD, you had the insight or moments of go of now recognizing when it was showing up after you were diagnosed? Were you able to say, okay, this is my OCD and separate yourself from it in those moments?

SPEAKER_00 14:26

I would say uh I knew I had OCD and I knew it was OCD, but I I couldn't separate it from my values-based Connor and then like my fear-based Connor, as I I like to say. Like there's two different people. Um, and I was just all in that fear-based. So I I knew why I was washing my hands. I had the OCD. The OCD was driving me to act this way. But Alicia, it took me a long time to get to the point where I was separating, okay, this is me, and this is what my brain's telling me. So in those moments, it was like I said, you're you're fighting a battle that's completely uphill.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

It just stands out to me that you mention the two memories that come to mind for you are uh summer vacation with your family should be so filled with joy, and then Christmas vacation with your family should be so filled with joy. These like seminal moments in our lives when you have OCD can be taken from you. I mean, it's it's such a thief. Have you been able to process that? Like, oh man, there were all these moments in life that I should have as happy memories of summer vacation, beach time, and beach snacks, and opening Christmas presents, and I'm not there, at least not there mentally.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Um process that yeah, and and to be honest with you, Liam, it's a super uh emotional thing for me and my family was very involved with it too. And and it took me a while to heal from, I would say, like those missing out moments and whether it was. Yeah, you mourn them, right? It's like a death almost because you're so emotionally invested in what you're going through. But I think if you would have asked me 10 years ago or right after I started ERP, you know, I would have been like, uh, I I felt so robbed, right? I felt so robbed. And like I I had those conversations with my parents, I often asked, like, why me? I understand, like, what is God trying to teach me? All those things. Um, now 14 years later, when I look back, I've been able to accept it more, but it took a lot of time, patience, prayer, and practice because um I did, I did feel robbed from those things, you know. Uh as a 10-year-old kid, you want to be playing with your cousins with your new toys, or like you said, you want to be on the beach with your dad throwing the baseball and and you're stuck in this cycle of OCDs, absurd way of making your mind work. Um, but now when I look back at it, I I wouldn't change it. Obviously, I don't want it to happen again, but I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't be sitting here doing this podcast. Um, I wouldn't have chosen the career path I did. I wouldn't have been able to help people who I know, whether it's friends, uh those I serve in my professional life. It's taught me so much about myself and how to cope and and work through hard times. So now I can give that back to others. And and that's I I struggled with my purpose for a long time, still trying to find that. But uh, you know, I talked to my mom and dad a few days ago, and I had a moment with my mom. I'm like, mom, think of how far we've come as a family, you know, from doing that. And now I'm gonna be on a podcast advocating about it.

SPEAKER_03 17:36

I love that. You turned your pain into a purpose.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Most definitely. That's the way you got to do it.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

So at some point, Connor, you know, you're dealing with the contamination OCD. You do finally get into ERP, and then along come panic attacks. So how did that show up for you?

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, so uh ERP started really crushing it um after those really few hard months, um, even up to half a year of just the the struggle with the contamination stuff. So my OCD didn't completely wasn't completely managed, but I was able to live more, uh more freely. Um and then when I was in fifth grade, um, and actually started my first panic attack. I remember it was at uh Elm Street Park, right up right by my house back in Pittsburgh. And I had a panic attack during the game because I remember this kid was throwing heat, I remember this kid, uh, he was throwing some gas, and I was scared I was like, oh my gosh, wonder if I get hit by the pitch. Right? I played baseball my whole life, never thought of that. I was like, Yeah, if you get hit, whatever, turn, go to first base. And all of a sudden, boom, I got hit with my first wave of panic, and it changed my life forever because it was so intense. Um so I remember I had the panic attack. I ran over to my mom like by the fence, and I she's like, Oh, did you eat dinner? Are you hydrating, right? So they thought it was physical things. Um, and then when I got home, everything kind of just like dissipated. So I didn't really know. And then the next day I went to school and had another panic attack that lasted extremely long. Usually panic, like a true, true panic attack, it might last maybe a couple minutes, some 30, 45 seconds, because it's so intense for your body. This ran its course for me for a while when I was at school. My dad came and picked me up from school the next day when I got in the car, all the symptoms went away. My parents took me to the uh pediatric doctor, and they were like, Oh man, pollen's really bad this year.

SPEAKER_02 19:38

You're probably lightheaded from the I can't make this up.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

So they started treating me for allergies. So they're like, Oh, we'll get you on some Xerotech, make sure you're hydrating. If you can avoid uh heavily like pollinated areas, that'd be good. So I'm like, okay, mom, dad, we'll get the Xerotec and start going from there. Um the pollen wasn't as bad as they thought it was. Uh and and a few months later, I'm at back at that psychologist that I had seen um going through some panic disorder, and and it took a toll on me throughout that whole summer.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

Did she prescribe medication for you at that point?

SPEAKER_00 20:16

Um, no, so no medication came until after that summer going uh into my next school year. So I uh like finished what was it, fourth grade, excuse me if I misspoke, but it was fourth grade. I finished that school year, and then that summer um the panic attacks came daily. I mean daily.

SPEAKER_02 20:40

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

And it was got to the point where I stopped leaving my house. Um and like we talked about a little bit earlier, you talk about hey, you're supposed to be a kid, right? Going outside, playing with your neighbors, uh, going to basketball camps, I remember, playing baseball. And every time uh the night before either a baseball game or a basketball camp, um, I would spend the whole night staying up crying, telling my parents, hey, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. Um, and it was just out of fear of having another panic attack because those feelings were so strong that you don't want to experience it again. Um, so then that led to a bad night of sleep, and then the next morning would come for the basketball camp or the baseball game, and you're in this lingo of I should go, but my body and mind are telling me not to go. Yeah. And if it wasn't for my parents uh pushing me along the way, who knows where I would have been now, to be honest. And uh we had a lot of tough times uh in my parents' patience. I mean, my mom, instead of just dropping me off at the basketball camp, she would take me to the high school near our house for the camp, and she would sit in the lobby just so I knew somebody was there if I needed it. Right. Or she would sit and I could see her from inside the gym. Um, so things like that I'm forever grateful for. But talk about those little steps that then end up becoming larger things, building blocks. Uh they really provided that for me.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

That's um I was gonna ask about sports, because you strike me as an athlete.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

And well, thank you for saying that. I hope my buddies listen to this. You hear that voice? Liam said I'm the athlete of the group.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

You got it, man.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

Meanwhile, I was so taken back when Liam told me that he plays basketball because I I'm just kidding, Liam. You look like an athlete.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

It's not giving athlete. I love it. Um you give athlete, Connor. And so I have struggled a lot with I've I've fortunately have not had uh panic disorder. Um but I get very heightened before a game, even still just playing in like, you know, old timey men's leagues. Um I think about it a lot the night before. It becomes almost panicky in a way. Um and I want to play, I love playing, but it this there's this energy to it that's charged and probably not healthy. Um I wonder how you dealt with that in sports, because you said you were up the night before telling your parents you didn't want to go, but I suspect you did want to go that you loved sports, but you didn't love the anxiety that was coming with it. Would that be right?

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Yeah. So I think there was a clear differentiation uh for myself between well, just like to clarify, I wasn't anxious about my performance in the sport or the big game or whatever. Uh in that sense, it was more like I was nervous about having another panic attack. To go back to what you're saying though, it definitely took away my love for for sport for a little bit because the things I once loved playing basketball, I loved basketball when I was younger. It became tarnished and kind of clouded by my panic attacks. So then without really thinking.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

Because that equaled a panic attack. Exactly. You yeah, you don't see the fun in it anymore. Right?

SPEAKER_00 24:15

You're relating basketball practice or basketball game with a panic attack rather than saying basketball game f with fun with my friends, right? Right. So it it became tarnished with that, and uh it did take away the love for for some time, especially with baseball and basketball. Um, and then once I kind of worked through those things, uh sport actually was one of my greatest outlets as I got older. But uh definitely, definitely lost the love of it um as much as I and then even when you're there, right? Like all you're thinking about is having another panic attack. The coach could be explaining a drill, and then it'd be my turn up, and I'm standing there like a dare in headlights because I don't know what the hell he just said, because I'm more worried about oh my gosh, my heartbeat, am I catching my breath? Am I having a heart attack, right?

SPEAKER_03 25:01

So people don't it's the worst, people don't realize too, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:04

Everything with with mental health a lot of the times is so invisible. And if if anybody on the street saw uh either any of us, right? It's like, oh, these guys, they look like great people, they're having fun, they're smiling, but inside it's a it could be a complete demon trying to rip through uh all your feelings.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

So yes, I can relate. I hide it very well.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah, I'll say you guys I came on and I'm like, damn, they got big smiles on their face, they they look professional, they gotta go.

SPEAKER_03 25:33

Well, we're both on medication. So am I.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

So am I.

SPEAKER_03 25:36

So am I.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

Oh, you are yeah, so funny.

SPEAKER_03 25:41

Yeah. Yeah, no, Liam's found a perfect cocktail. Well, almost perfect cocktail. I'm working on mine right now. I definitely don't have the intrusive thoughts or the panic attacks. I think the last panic attack I had was Halloween when my son went trick-or-treating for the first time without me at a oh, I had a full-blown like I was responsible for his death that night. Yeah. Which is yeah, yes. And I can I can relate to the worrying about having a panic attack when my husband would leave town. You'll hear this in the first episode if you haven't you haven't listened already, or if you're listening right now and you've already heard the story. My husband would leave town and I was convinced that I was someone was gonna break in and rape and murder me, that I would barricade the doors when he left. Being the anxiety was so insane that that was the only thing that gave me a little bit of relief. And he would tell me he was going out of town like a month prior to his travel date. And I would live with that anxiety going up to the night, knowing that I was gonna have it, the panic attack that night. And instead of just enjoying the evening at home, you know, have a glass of wine. Or I don't drink alcohol, have a kombucha, watch a show and go there. So you are robbed of enjoying your life. You are so concerned with the idea that your worst case is going to happen. And it is absolutely debilitating.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Alicia, I just wanted to say too, when you talk about that, some people might not realize this. Uh, and this is why I want to say it's with panic attacks and panic disorder, it's not just the minute that's debilitating. It is like you said, if you knew your husband was going away that whole week, right, until he leaves for the trip, that's also very debilitating because the anticipatory anxiety is often even stronger than when the actual event happens. So that's the first thing. Second thing for people listening, when Alicia says, Oh, I had to barricade the doors, I had this crazy thought that I was gonna be raped and murdered, like people with OCD really believe these things. And as much as it sounds unlogical or doesn't make sense, oh, that's a silly thought, people with OCD don't understand that, right? We really have to work hard to differentiate uh what we call just like an intrusive thought that's normal. Everybody has thoughts, and then the OCD grabs a normal thought and turns it into something magnified. So I just wanted to see that too. Yeah, and if you guys, real quick, I'm gonna Those are great points. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you really quick. So with the with the panic disorder um that summer, this is just really cool, uh, really cool story of how I kind of coped with it. So, like I said, my parents uh pushed me. And even if it was like, hey, go to a baseball game, um, try your best, you know what I mean. I I vividly remember till this day, my mom and I, it's a bonding moment now. In at the time, it was not. Um, I was playing center field, Saturday night baseball game, fun tournament with my friends, and I'm in center field and I had a panic attack in the top of the first inning. We can laugh about it now. Not at the time. I ran off the field, right?

SPEAKER_03 28:46

No.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

I ran off the field, and I go around the fence and I'm like, mom, I'm having a panic attack. She doesn't know that I'm starting center field, right? So the the ball is being thrown, the guy off the bat could have hit one clear to the center field. We would have got it inside the parkour and run, God willing, it didn't happen. But my mom, she ran me back to where the uh like right by the fence where she was standing. And for that whole inning, I'll never forget my mom and I, between every pitch, we just made eye contact with each other.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

And uh that moment with me cry.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

It was I I'm getting emotional about it now, but that moment with my mom uh taught me about love, loving one another, right? And how far love can take people to drive them and motivate them to get through things. Um, I didn't finish the rest of the game, I sat out the rest of the game, but it was the biggest win for me and my family that I got on the field and that I played three outs, right? And uh I wasn't out there for all the pitches because I was shaking her and the bleachers, right? I I her and her friends were talking, I said, Hey mom, enough with that. I got a I'm having a panic attack, and I got back out on the field, but that moment was life-changing um for me and my relationship with my mom, and that's a whole nother thing we can get into later about family, but that really helped me. So uh from there we kind of just built upon things. I had trouble leaving the house that summer. I wouldn't even go to my neighbor's house who I knew my whole life. I didn't feel comfortable being around like him and one of his parents, or even driving to like see a movie with them because it wasn't around the most safe people, right? So I started picking up a deck of cards uh the June, June that summer, right after school ended up, and just started shuffling. And I remember I would watch a YouTube video and I showed somebody a trick and this and that, and the next thing I knew, weeks go by and I'm spending most of my time in my in my house. I I didn't leave my house. So I started learning card magic, right? I did card trick magic, and that was how I ended up coping to socialize again. So growing up um with my grandparents, we always played cards at their house. They'd have a cup of coffee, we played cards. And uh, my grandfather he's now passed away, and I know he's listening to this smiling, but he actually encouraged me, hey, like bring your cards to uh the graduation party or bring them over for our 4th of July party. And that's how I ended up being more comfortable in social settings. I kind of broke the barrier by saying, Hey, you guys want to see a trick? Um, and and I was a wizard with him, and I was really good. I was 10 years old, and card uh and magic got me back into socializing with other people. So I I used the vehicle of something that locked me in my house. I used it as a way to say, hey, I can take something I'm really confident and comfortable with, have it be my first kind of five, 10 minutes of a conversation, and and then go from there.

SPEAKER_03 31:50

And uh it was that is beautiful. I love that. That is such a sweet example to anyone listening out there that you can get back out there and that helped take you out of your own head. Yeah, you know, in those social, those social environments and and take the focus off you. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Yeah, yeah, it was it was a crazy, a crazy experience. And then uh like still it didn't solve everything. And like later, I mean, earlier you asked, like I was put on a medication and I was on uh Zoloft and and that ended up helping. And still, it doesn't change everything right away. So patience is key in treatment, right? And things aren't gonna change overnight. Um, it's not like putting a band-aid on and the and or getting stitches and the and the wounds all better right away. It's not like that. So patience with that, and then going back into that my fifth grade year, I had some tough times getting back into school, and then before you know, man, we're back and feeling more confident than ever.

SPEAKER_03 32:43

Quick break. We'll be right back. But first, a word from our sponsor. The same distressing, unwanted thoughts keep playing over and over in your mind. The same rituals keep eating up your time, holding you back from enjoying your life. You've tried talk therapy before and spent session after session diving into those thoughts, trying to understand them, trying to fix them, but somehow they just get worse. And the shame piles on because you think, why isn't this working? What's wrong with me? If this sounds familiar, here's what you need to know. You're not the problem. You're experiencing something that a lot of people with OCD experience. Getting your life back is possible because OCD is highly treatable. It just requires a completely different approach than other mental health conditions. In fact, standard talk therapy often makes OCD worse because it encourages you to analyze those intrusive thoughts or try to replace them with positive ones. But with OCD, the more attention you give the thoughts, the stickier they become. That's where No C D comes in. No CD provides virtual therapy designed specifically for OCD. Every single one of their therapists is extensively trained in a type of therapy called ERP, or exposure and response prevention, which is the most effective treatment available for OCD. And they get the training from world-renowned OCD experts so they truly understand what you're dealing with, even the stuff that feels impossible to say out loud. In live face-to-face virtual sessions, your No CD therapist will teach you how to take the power away from intrusive thoughts so you can live the life that you want to live. In between sessions, you'll be able to message your therapist anytime, join dozens of life support groups, and continue your progress with other expert developed therapy tools. No CD is also covered by insurance for over 138 million Americans, and their team makes it really simple to get started. Visit nocd.com and book a free 15-minute call. That's no cd.com to learn more and talk to someone who can help because you deserve treatment that actually works for OCD.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

So at some point, your OCD veers into harm OCD. How did that first show up for you? And when you always like, oh, this is a new gift. I've gone contamination OCD, then panic, now I have harm OCD.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

So uh elementary school was the contamination OCD. Uh like going into middle school, like fifth, sixth grade was kind of the uh panic disorder. And then my middle school years were great. I was really thriving. Uh I got my braces on, I thought I was the man. You know what I mean? It's like when you're that young, you get braces. It's like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna get them to match my basketball uniform. And now I look back. Right, right. Wow, I look like an idiot. But uh middle school was great, and then uh 10th grade was when my harm OCD started. Um I I listened to the podcast with you and uh Tori, and you guys talked about how a lot of people say, Oh, I'm depressed, right? And that's the only diagnosis. So my OCD um in high school started to change to more um just like cognitive OCD, that's how I call it, is just it's all in my head, so there's no physical compulsions. So I had thoughts that I was um gonna just die, like hurl over and die. So I'd be playing in a soccer game and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is it. Or I'd be sitting in class and uh I'd say, All right, what's the point of learning this if I'm just gonna die? So it it it really made it difficult to focus in school, sports, different things. Um, and then that sophomore year, a few months after those uh thoughts started, I had my first uh like depressive episode, which started then the harm OCD. So with the depression, um like I say, correlates with the OCD. The OCD makes you feel sad, it makes you feel helpless or worthless sometimes, and that's the connection you guys talked about with Tori, um, which I think is very needed to be understood. Um so then the harm OCD.

SPEAKER_03 36:24

Yeah, I mean you start to isolate yourself and then you start to think you're a shitty person, and then your confidence is tanks, and and then you're depressed.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Yeah, just like that. Yeah, that's a that's the cycle right there. So uh sophomore year, I start feeling depressed, and I start having this thought, oh, wonder if I kill myself, you know, and I'm not saying that to be blunt or anything, like that there's a real thoughts I had, it was just hey, wonder if I kill myself. It started one time and then it said, Oh, wonder if I hurt myself, just harm myself, cut myself, right? So Mayday, right? Your brain starts flashing red lights. Flashing red lights, sirens are going off in your brain. Who and I'm sitting there in my bedroom, I'm thinking, oh my gosh, if you told me that I would be having these thoughts right now, I would have called you crazy. I ended up going to see my therapist at the time, and I did not understand that those thoughts were OCD thoughts. I like we talked about differentiating the two, I didn't know. I thought that I was suicidal, that I was going to lose control. Um, and we broke it down with my therapist uh and my parents. We all sat in on a meeting and we had the talk about like you gotta do those safety checks, right? Because it's a very serious thing. Um once we knew I was safe, then we s took that time. I took a few days off of school, um, and then we got into the treatment after that. But that's how the the harm OCD started, uh, was with those thoughts that quickly became powerful and very, very scary.

SPEAKER_03 38:05

Very scary, very real. Because you think, why am I having these thoughts? And at what point do people act on these thoughts? Where what what's that switch, right? Like I don't even want to be having them, but I'm having them. And so at what point does this thought become an actual thing?

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Yeah. So I think for me, I I was in like disbelief first because I was always a happy kid. You know, even going through things, I was always pretty happy. I never had those thoughts. So then that thought comes in, and I was so in shock that I didn't really know how to go about it. And I even had trouble verbalizing it to my parents saying, hey, I'm having these thoughts. So I dealt with it very uh much in my own head, which is extremely tiring.

SPEAKER_03 38:55

I've been there and I didn't realize it was OCD either. And I and it's it's just it just adds another layer of depression because you're you're like, am I suicidal? I don't want to die, I don't want to do that. Why am I having these thoughts? Or do I? And I'm worse than I think, and it just becomes a really crappy place to be in your head. And I I mean, I just I've been there. Yeah. I know exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

So I would, I went to the point where I was thinking about how I was gonna do it. I mean, I went that far. I was like, if I were to, what would that look like? And then this was all before I knew it was OCD. And now I'll have a thought creep in. I'm like, nope, not today. We're not going there. I don't need to think that. Yeah, you know, I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

It was obviously scary, like you're saying. And then I had those thoughts too, like you were. It's like, is am I actually gonna do this? Am I actually gonna act on this? Right. I didn't trust myself as a 16-year-old kid. I didn't trust myself to like be by myself for those few weeks. I didn't trust myself to um, you know, even think, like even if I watched a movie where there was like a weapon in it, or if I saw a razor in the shower at my house, like those certain triggers, every I took them, I don't want to say took them for granted, but in the past, I saw those. They never bothered me. And that's the thing with OCD. It can hold on to something like that, and it becomes a whole thing in the front of your brain that's really hard to look past.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

And then you get into college and you have another depressive episode, and it was bad enough for you had to take a break. So tell us a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_00 40:27

Yeah, so uh college, like real quick before we go into that, I'm gonna tell you the story about the football game, if that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:35

Oh, yeah, let's hear that.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

Let's hear. Okay, so uh that so I go and get the I like I confessed to my my therapist and my parents uh like at a group session one night, I said, Hey, I'm having these suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it's me or uh OCD. I was super, super confused. So I uh ended up not going to school Thursday or Friday and talk about things being robbed of you. I played football uh that year in high school, and I I didn't get to play in the last game because I was at home watching it on TV with my mom because my dad, my brother played, he was a senior, my dad's at the game watching him, but I was so depressed and scared to be out and different things, I couldn't function. So I'm watching it from home. And uh, like I said, my coach was super supportive of like, hey, take with the time you need, which was really cool. And then my brother, Colby, he's a senior, and he's looking at going to different colleges, right? So uh I grew up in a Penn State family. Every my parents met at Penn State, all these different things. So they're playing Ohio State that Saturday at Ohio State. So Wednesday of that week, I'm crying on the couch at therapy saying, Hey, I'm having these scary, crazy thoughts. And I get a text from my brother on Thursday when he's at school, he said, Hey, I'm buying us tickets to Columbus for the game on Saturday. So instead of saying, Oh, yepie, I'm saying, Oh my god, this is insane. I'm gonna go to Columbus with my brother after having the worst few days of my life. The harm OCD comes in, we get to the stadium at Ohio State, and we're in the top bowl, man. We're up in peanut heaven and talk about a trigger, right? I You thought you were gonna fall. I thought I was gonna jump off. Jump. I thought I was gonna jump. My OCD was telling me that I was going to jump from the top of the like this top of the stands over the railing. So it was it was insane, right? So you get to the game, it's the it was insane. It was when Saquon Saquon was a a junior, it was amazing, everybody's going nuts. Uh we're all cheering, and I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, am I am I gonna lose control of my body and hurl myself over this balcony at the stadium and talk about the longest football game ever, right? That thing felt like an eternity. It felt like an eternity.

SPEAKER_03 42:58

Yeah, because an outsider would just look at you and go, well, just don't think that. You're not gonna do that. But when you have OCD, you can't stop thinking about the fact that you could do that if you wanted to, and how easily that would be to just like hurl yourself over the railing. I mean, I can't be on a bridge without thinking I'm gonna drive myself off of it. That that is a part of the OCD that people don't realize that, you know, is debilitating.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

And I'm in this awesome sporting environment, right? Watching great players with great friends and my brother, and all I could focus on was the railing. That's all I could focus on during the game. I like I'd watch I'd want to play them between plays, I would look at the railing. And it uh it's so crazy. Like you said, people with OCD, you could have a uh say you painted a picture, this is something for people listening. This might help like put a paint a painting in in somebody's mind. But say you had a a photo, right, of a blue sky, and there's one little pink speck of paint that the painter puts on it in the bottom. Right hand corner. Somebody looking without OCD would say, Oh my gosh, look how beautiful. That's a blue sky. They just painted. Somebody with OCD says, Oh my gosh, you guys see that pink dot on it? Right? That's all we see. And like you said, Alicia, you're driving over a bridge. Somebody might say, Oh my gosh, this bridge is beautiful. In your mind, you're thinking, Am I gonna turn right really quick? Right? And that's how it goes for people with OCD. Uh I I love using that visual because it's not just as simple as, hey, don't Alicia, Liam, don't think about it. It's not like that.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:33

No.

SPEAKER_01 44:34

If someone says don't think about it, I get my own.

SPEAKER_03 44:38

They just added fuel to the fire.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Uh did you get to enjoy the game at all or or no?

SPEAKER_00 44:44

Uh yeah. So after about uh a quarter and a half, I like ERP, right? I'm I was in the exposure the whole time. And um in ERP, you start at a base level. We we describe it as climbing up the roller coaster or climbing up the mountain. You hit your peak, right? And then there comes that uh habituation where you work your way down through it. So I did get to enjoy the game uh until Penn State lost at the end and we had to drive three hours up to sad science. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:15

Then you jumped.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

Yeah, hey, Alicia, yeah. Then then that thought came into my head.

SPEAKER_02 45:21

So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:23

Did your br do your brothers understand what OCD is at that point? And do you share that with them when you have those thoughts going on in your head? Do you tell anybody or were you just keeping it all in zone? Sometimes I feel like it helps to share the crazy thought. I don't know. That's just me. Like sometimes if I'm in that zone, I'll share it with somebody so that I can laugh about it with them. And it almost diffuses it a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

Yeah, 100%. So um growing up, I was very private about it, like only my family, right? And as I got older, that OCD became more complex. But a lot of the times in those situations, I thought to myself, I'm not gonna ruin my brother's time at this game because I'm having a thought, right? Or I'm not gonna be on vacation and tell my parents or my sister, hey, I'm having this crazy thought. They're supposed to be enjoying it too. Um, so I was very unselfish in that. And I think that's something that's just something in me. Um, and even now when people say, Hey, are you okay? It might take me a few times or a few minutes to say, no, I'm really not, right? Because we put on that mask and say, I'm okay. Uh, when deep down we're really hurting. So, for example, for that, for that thing, I I didn't talk to my brother about it. I just kind of dealt with it myself. He knew I was going through those harm OCD thoughts, and he knew I just had to come off the first like really tough days of my life. Um but I I dealt with it, and then I think after the fact, when I went to therapy the next week, that's when I broke broke it down with my therapist.

SPEAKER_01 46:55

So, where are you with it now? How is your OCD at this stage in your life?

SPEAKER_00 47:00

Yeah, so I still have OCD, it's definitely still there. Um, and it's crazy how OCD works because it attacks the things you care about, the things you love, and the things you value. Uh, that's a recurring theme you'll hear anywhere, whether it's talking to you, going to a therapist, listening to a different podcast. Like the OCD attacks what you care about. So uh like right now where I'm at in my life, I'm 24. I've been in my career for about a year and a half, so a lot of my OCD is like pure OCD. Um there's not a lot of there's not a lot of compulsions you can physically like physical compulsions? No physical compulsions now. Uh you you don't I you can't see the OCD on me anymore. Um so a lot of my obsessions now relate to um like decision making, uh success, am I doing the right thing? Um, a lot of replaying and like wanting to remember different things, right? Um so sometimes if I said, Oh, Liam, did I already tell you about like I'll say I talk to you on Tuesday, say if I'm like, oh, did I tell you about when I went and got ice cream with my friend? And if I don't remember that, my OCD is like, oh my gosh, you have dementia, you know? Yeah. So it does things like that now. Um where I definitely have thought that I have early onset dementia. That's okay. Yeah, yeah, it's it's it's a thing. So that's where my OCD is at now. Um, and a lot of it's just right in between my ears and not as much as physically being shown. But it could be anything now, I think. Like I don't have a uh a subtype that's just showing up. It's really day-to-day what's in front of me. Uh, and then the OCD will say, Oh, you see that over there? That's gonna be your trigger for today. And then that's the battle I have to fight. Uh, so just day by day. And some days are easier than others, but um big believer just kind of pushing through that, leaning on my support team to get through each day.

SPEAKER_03 48:53

Tell us a little bit about lifestyle and what that how that impacts your OCD. And do you think having healthy habits throughout your day can lessen, I guess, the the symptoms?

SPEAKER_00 49:06

Yes. So I'm a big believer in the connection between physical health and mental health. I don't think it's talked enough about. Um, if you take care of yourself physically um and you value that, I think it's not gonna cure your OCD. It's not gonna cure whatever you're going through, but I definitely think it makes significant uh you see significant changes in yourself. Uh, for example, if I'm feeling the other night, right, I'm doing my taxes, super stressed out about my taxes, somebody with OCD, I rechecked it a million times. I did the calculations a million times, and my dad, he's sitting there with me at the table teaching me a few things, and I said, Hey, dad, I need to take a walk. And people think when they exercise or when they have to make these choices, it has to be this huge, abundant change, right? I have to eat clean three meals a day. I have to eliminate all alcohol, I have to lift a certain amount of weight. I went on a 10-minute walk that night, came back to the table and reset my nervous system so I could finish the task at hand. Uh, little things I I've been doing recently. I actually started to help coach at my local high school, um, help coach with a football team. And three days a week, we get up um before school for the kids. So we start workouts at 5 30, and then after that, I just shower there and go to work. So Monday, Wednesday, Friday when we're there, my days at work are one, more productive, my moods better, and throughout the whole day, I'm more motivated to do different things. I when you get up and do something to start your day, that's what I've really seen. To start my day connecting with people, um, movement, drinking water, um, spending time with people I love, it carries over, it snowballs for the rest of your day. Unlike the Tuesday, Thursdays, right? Or on the weekends when I I'll roll over and check my phone to turn off the alarm next thing I know I'm in bed for 30 minutes on Instagram. That happens, right? But it I get in my head about that and dwell on those things, and it affects my mood for the rest of the day. So I'm a big believer. If you can, it's much easier uh said than done. But finding something you're passionate about, going on a walk, uh, making a healthy meal with your with your friend, um, you know, challenging yourself to do those things can help you tremendously as an output for all the stress that we carry as people with OCD. So finding an outlet's a huge, huge thing that I would uh put on your put in your toolkit, as we say, for somebody with OCD.

SPEAKER_01 51:36

Big believer in that as well. I know Alicia is too. Um tell us just a little bit about still good wellness. You've decided to publicly talk about your experience with OCD. So what is still good wellness and why did you decide to do it?

SPEAKER_00 51:51

So still good wellness was the thought I had in high school, right? I didn't have the name, but I had this thought about hey, I want to, I want to help people who the same way people have helped me, right? When I was younger, I was very reserved with my OCD. I would lie to my friends about where I was going because I'd go to therapy. I'd just say, hey, I have a doctor's appointment or I have a haircut or whatever it was. Um and now it's crazy to see from when I was diagnosed as a 10-year-old hiding my hands because they were bleeding, or like I said, lying to my friends about where I was going, to then being a senior in college a few years ago, raising my hand and my community mental health saying, Hey, it's professor, I went through this, I can talk about it if you need me to, right? So, anybody listening, if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're feeling like you want to share but you can't, it it comes with time and it comes with courage. And and don't be discouraged if you feel like you can't share everything all at once. Um, it took me years and years, and and then I finally uh came up with this idea when I was uh in college to like create a name, and I landed on still good wellness uh because I'm a big believer and we have to focus on positive things. So uh whatever we think about, whatever we spend our time around, whatever we ingest as human beings is what we're gonna output to other people, right? So if I spend my time with people who steal, cheat, lie, I'm gonna steal, cheat, and lie. But if I surround myself with people who give back, who spend time with people they love, who lend a helping hand, then I'm gonna do those things too. Still good, that idea connects because we have to focus on what's still good in this world. We live in a society now where we turn on the news and it's immediately bad news, people fighting, uh, some sort of anything, right? It's a negative thing. But when we turn turn our phones off, when we turn the TV off, and we look, we can say, hey, write three things down that were really good for you. Even on your worst days. What is good for you? You might have had the worst day of your life, but when I write down, I say, what was still good? I got to spend time with my with my buddy, I got to go on a walk with my dog, I got to watch uh the sporting event, I got to go to the Pirates game tonight, whatever it is, that's what still good is about. It's seeing the goodness in things, even on our toughest days. OCD is a really hard disorder to deal with. Um it's it's taxing, it's training. But if we can help ourselves just by writing three things down a day or even thinking them, right, we can make a world difference, not only for ourselves, but the people we surround ourselves with. And my idea with the with the account is to inspire people, to make the world better, to talk about what you're going through, and to love one another and be there for one another.

SPEAKER_03 54:43

Connor, my heart is bursting right now. You are a light and you are top three on my what is still good.

SPEAKER_02 54:52

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 54:52

What a joy you have been, and and your vulnerability and sharing your story is incredible, and the work that you're doing is gonna go far. I really, really appreciate you taking the time today. What an honor it was.

SPEAKER_00 55:03

Oh, well, thank you so much, guys. It's it's been an honor for me. And and like I said at the beginning of this, you and Liam uh are two people that I would definitely stay in contact with and look up to as somebody. Uh, not that you're old, I'm just younger than you guys.

SPEAKER_03 55:18

That's okay. We're getting there. No, you're not.

SPEAKER_00 55:20

I know Liam's gonna take an hour routine stretch before he runs, but I it's all right. Uh no, as somebody younger, you guys, uh the So C D Confessional Podcast has come into my life recently, and it's something that I'm gonna um aspire to to be like you guys, in in the sense of how you connect with people and how you reach out and how you truly like as soon as I met you guys on here, I I feel the love and I feel that you truly care about helping people around you. So thank you for that. And uh I'm sure I'll be bugging you guys, asking you questions. And whenever I can get to uh Boston or LA, we'll have to link up for maybe a Red Sox game, a Dodgers game. I've been to both stadiums, so we'll get that going.

SPEAKER_01 55:59

That'd be absolutely and Connor, thank you, especially as a young man for speaking out about this. I think young men are struggling right now and don't always know how to say it. So thank you for being a young man who is saying it. Uh, it's needed.

SPEAKER_00 56:16

Thank you, thank you, Liam. I appreciate that. And um just one last thing. If you're listening to this and you're going through something tough, um lean on lean on the people who love you and and find the people who love you because even on those darkest days when you feel alone, there's somebody who cares about you, right? There's somebody who wants to help you, um, but people don't know to how to help if they don't know you need the help. So really uh hang in there, check in on your people, um, especially nowadays, right? Like you said, Liam, kids my age, suicide's one of the leading causes of deaths between 18 and 24-year-old males. And um, with my friends, I think I've helped them learn. They don't know the inside and outs of OCD, uh, but they definitely know that I care about mental health and I care about each one of them. And um, I think my biggest thing that I've learned throughout my experience is you never know what somebody's going through. Um, somebody like me, I came from a great family. Uh, we were all athletes. We grew up, my my mom's a teacher in the community. Everybody knew us, but behind closed doors, they didn't know I was taking three-hour showers. They didn't know that I was staying up all night because I didn't want to play in the baseball game the next day. So when you're done listening to this podcast, go out into the world with an open mindset, understanding that the person behind you in traffic who's beeping at you might be having a really tough day, or the person who is short with you at work might be going through a very hard breakup or depression that we don't know about. So treat everybody with that kindness because that's what the world needs. And uh check in on your people, check in on your loved ones. If you're thinking about doing something nice for somebody, give them a call, shoot them a text, say, hey man, I'm thinking about you because uh this world needs a love now more than ever. So I appreciate you guys having me on.

SPEAKER_01 58:06

I texted you that I had gone down to every other week with my therapist because we're making progress, so that's great. And you were like, Yeah, but did you check whether or not you hit that person on the road? Screwing with me. And it's funny because I've when you texted that, I was like, Well, that hasn't really been much of a theme for me. But then I remembered when I was a teenager, I did have this period of time. I was driving in my hometown and I hit a squirrel, and I was devastated.

SPEAKER_03 58:37

I have a similar story. It was a rabbit. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 58:41

This is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 58:41

I cried.

SPEAKER_01 58:43

Yeah, so I hit the squirrel. I just was devastated that I killed this squirrel. And there was nothing I could do, you know, it ran out with no time to react. And uh, it touched off a little bit of this checking thing where I kept thinking I was running over animals, or then I was like, damn it, did I run over a person? And this is a very common theme in OCD. So I I I handled it pretty well, but I would go through periods or like have this one day where it was loud and I would, I would do a lot of circling. And um, so at this one time, I can't believe I had forgotten this. I must have been like 16 and I'm driving at night and I hit a speed bump or like a pothole or something, and I'm like, oh my God, I I hit a I hit a a squirrel, right? And so then I'm like, no, I didn't. I could I knew that something about it wasn't rational, but I was caught in it. So I drove maybe a mile up and I was like, no, you know what? I'm gonna turn around, I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna make sure I didn't hit a squirrel. So I turn around, I go back, and there's a fucking dead squirrel.

SPEAKER_03 59:46

No. You that you hit it, you hit another one?

SPEAKER_01 59:52

So I I did hit the squirrel.

SPEAKER_03 59:57

Oh no. What does that do for your for your OCD? That I mean it wasn't good.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:05

Yeah, because then I was like, I should be checking.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:08

Should be even though the reassurance. What do you do after that? Did you just leave him there?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:17

Yeah, I mean, he was he was a he was a goner. Um it was just really sad. But then yeah, and it made for the next probably few weeks, I was really like so funny that your text reminded me that that had happened because I just Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:33

Sometimes you forget all the things that are related to OCD that you do. Um that's funny.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:39

It's just anyone listening though, who has that as an issue, do not turn back around. As it turns out, this I had hit a squirrel, which could be done. Um Thanks for listening to another episode of the OCD Confessional. Be sure to follow this show so you get new episodes. You can subscribe to us on YouTube or find us on Instagram and TikTok at the OCD Confessional.