OCD Confessions LIVE from the IOCDF OCD Conference

What does OCD really sound like?

In this special episode of The OCD Confessional, we traveled to the International OCD Foundation's Global OCD Conference in Seattle and handed the microphone to members of the OCD community.

The prompt:

"What's your OCD confession?"

What followed were honest, vulnerable, heartbreaking, hopeful—and sometimes surprisingly funny—stories from people living with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

These aren't polished interviews. They're real voices sharing real experiences with intrusive thoughts, compulsions, recovery, shame, resilience, and hope.

Whether you've lived with OCD for years or are just beginning to understand it, we hope these confessions remind you of one simple truth:

You are not alone.

Thank you to everyone who trusted us with your story.

If you'd like to learn more about the International OCD Foundation, visit iocdf.org.

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

The next new episode of the OCD International are going to be very international. We have to go to the International O C D Foundation O C D Conference. So we decided to set up a little and let the attendees come the wildest things their OCD has made a new. We'll also have a couple of episodes coming up with a leadership from the IOCDF and a couple of other fun surprises along the way. We hope you enjoy. I'm Alicia. And I'm Liam. We both have OCD. And instead of spiraling alone, we decided to turn our symptoms into a podcast. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_09 0:39

Here we overshare real stories, laugh through the anxiety, and talk to actual experts who can explain why your brain keeps asking, What if I accidentally marry my cousin?

SPEAKER_06 0:49

Whether your thing is hand washing, mental rituals, or just silently panicking during normal conversations, congrats. You have found your people.

SPEAKER_09 0:57

This is a safe place, unless you're an intrusive thought. In which case, get in line, buddy. We're booked.

SPEAKER_06 1:04

So grab a weighted blanket, cancel your plans for the fifth time, and let's dive in. This is the OCD Confessional.

SPEAKER_09 1:11

And yes, we did check this recording four times before uploading it.

SPEAKER_06 1:17

Well, this is a very different episode for us here on the OCD Confessional. We are live at the International OCD Foundation's global conference, OCD conference in Seattle, Washington. So you and I are in the past.

SPEAKER_09 1:31

We got on a plane, you guys.

SPEAKER_06 1:33

What did I text you when you said, hey, I'm getting on the plane?

SPEAKER_09 1:36

You said it was nice knowing you.

SPEAKER_06 1:38

I did. I said it was nice knowing you.

SPEAKER_09 1:39

And I said, good luck with the booth because I have all the decor with me. So we're gonna be a sad, lonely man with a bare booth.

SPEAKER_06 1:45

It would have been a totally bare booth, and I would have been sad. But we would have made our way through somehow, somehow. I would have been very sad. You know what? You're trying to find out how sad it would have been. She's trying to get rid of the code.

SPEAKER_09 1:57

Would you have cried though, Liam?

SPEAKER_06 1:58

I I actually would have cried.

SPEAKER_09 2:00

You would cry if I died?

SPEAKER_06 2:01

Of course I would cry if you died. It would be three or four tears.

SPEAKER_09 2:05

Well, you guys will have to tell me. Um, okay, so we are super excited. We're gonna do some little interviews here, and we have the beautiful Mia Mason who wrote Worries Whispers, and I want to dive into that with you. Um but first we start every episode off with a confession. Is there something you'd like to confess today?

SPEAKER_10 2:25

Okay, I would not like anything on Instagram um at all uh up until about like three years ago. Because I have like morality OCD. So I'd get really nervous that somehow me liking my friend's post would what if like this ends up being something bad or whatever.

SPEAKER_09 2:49

Like when there's evidence that you're gonna be.

SPEAKER_10 2:50

Yeah, that I like, but like at the same time, it's like I understand that's not logical, but I was like, it felt very real. So now I have an Instagram, which is insane, so and I post to it, which is still really hard for me. Being recorded is so scary for me. Right now? Yeah, oh I'm terrified. But I'm happy to be here with you guys, and I feel like this is a great place to kind of do that. So I'm I'm excited about it, but I'm also like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_06 3:19

We love making people terrified.

SPEAKER_10 3:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 3:21

It's my favorite thing to do. Wait, so just to go back on the Instagram thing, would it be like your friend was in a picture in a bikini or something? Are you worried like morally that was?

SPEAKER_10 3:30

It could be like a like probably that would be more like extreme, not necessarily that example, but like it could be a picture of dogs, and I'm like, well, what if you know that dog is not ethically bred? Like, or something, like you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_09 3:46

Like just like I mean it kind of explains why none of my friends like my post.

SPEAKER_10 3:52

But like I want to like post, and I do now, and I and I post on Instagram, so it's awesome.

SPEAKER_09 3:57

No, I totally I I get that. It's the thoughts that happen right before you go to post that makes it. You're like, well, but could it be, I don't know, is this gonna come back to me, bite me in the butt? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:07

Oh yeah, Alicia definitely worries with our post that people are gonna take offense to it somehow. Yeah. Or in our episodes we do.

SPEAKER_09 4:13

I actually in the world we live in now, I find people will find offend. I posted something with my husband walking ahead of me too fast, and the negative posts replies that I got.

SPEAKER_06 4:23

Oh, everyone told you you get a divorce.

SPEAKER_09 4:24

It was insane what people will dissect and think that they know in an eight-second video. Yes. So yes, I understand that.

SPEAKER_06 4:32

Then here the power of clicking the like button is interesting because like for me it's been with anything involving children dying.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:40

Because one of my big obsessions is you know, uh my kids are gonna die. And so, like, if there's a movie where a kid dies, or there's a trailer for some new project and it has to deal with the death of children, right? I just cannot interact with it and I'll ignore it. Now I'm trying to engage with stuff because it's an exposure.

SPEAKER_10 4:59

Nice. Yeah, love that. Good for you.

SPEAKER_06 5:02

So tell us about Worries Whispers.

SPEAKER_10 5:04

Okay, yes. So Worries Whispers. Do you want me to take over now? Is your hand getting cramped? My hand's getting cramped. Um Worries Whispers is a collection of illustrated poems. Um it's not like an autobiography of myself, like strictly, but it's based on my very real experience with um OCD and anxiety and related disorders. Um But uh yeah, it follows um the main character Drew, um, and at the beginning of it, she's like very isolated, alone, struggling, but she doesn't really know what this kind of thing is that she's struggling with. And how we see this is kind of through her journal and her writings and her drawings that kind of create like this narrative arc. And then she does something really brave, which is she asks for help, and then she um is able to find an anxiety specialist from that and get the right kind of treatment and kind of discovers like this thing she's been dealing with her entire life is OCD and has a name. And then kind of you know, as we keep going through it, we're seeing like um still like a lot of struggle and stuff, but so much resilience within that struggle. Um, and then by the end, we have like this character we're really kind of rooting for, and um it breaks out into like therapy sessions that are like a graphic novel, uh, and it kind of gives a high-level education of like what OCD is, like what treatment kind of looks like, or some options for it. But yeah, um it's really cool.

SPEAKER_09 6:36

When did OCD first show up for you?

SPEAKER_10 6:38

Oh, probably when I was in kindergarten. Um, I used to be really, really worried about this is this is fine, this is a good one, um, about um people like doing uh like kidnapping. Like, so I used to I was really worried that somebody's gonna break into my house or that I was gonna be kidnapped, like to the point where like I would not leave my parents like at all, like or like wouldn't like in public would always be like holding their hand like really like a lot. Um but the funny one I was gonna say is I was also um uh worried that I was gonna get um abducted by aliens because a little boy read a book to me about aliens, and I just think that's very funny, like which I guess could still happen. I mean we can't yeah, we can have aliens. But then that is what kind of like went to the kidnapping and then all that, and then um yeah, I just kind of always had like worries like that that were like really intense and like attached to me, like I felt more so than other other people, and then um yeah, I don't like to do the wrong thing, like that makes me very stressed. Um, but that's kind of always been a theme in my life. I just didn't know that this was like an OCD, like things it's not portrayed, you know, um very well in media. A lot of these. There's a lot of misinformation about being neat and clean and yeah, yeah. And that's what I really wanted to do with my book is kind of show like these non-stereotypical OCD um stories and themes. So there this book does cover quite a few themes that I've myself kind of experienced, and then that I've had you know the honor of being a part of like support groups and stuff, and and kind of gotten that. Of course, it's not their story, but um I've just got insight. And you know, everybody who has OCD, it's like same concept, different content. You know, so but I wanted to give that kind of representation um across the board, but it's very tied closely to myself.

SPEAKER_09 8:44

I love that. Thank you for sharing. Do you want to share a little something from your book? Read a poem.

SPEAKER_10 8:49

Yeah, I'll read a poem. That's so fun. Um let's see.

SPEAKER_09 8:55

Did you illustrate it too?

SPEAKER_10 8:56

Oh yes, I illustrated it as well. Yeah. Thank you so much. I yeah, this is a very big accomplishment.

SPEAKER_06 9:04

While you're searching for the poem you want to read, where can people get this?

SPEAKER_10 9:07

Uh Amazon. That's the best thing. And then I also have Instagram. Um a lot of fun stuff. Worries whispers. Or worries underscore whispers. Awesome. Um can I show this?

SPEAKER_09 9:21

Look at this, guys.

SPEAKER_06 9:22

It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_10 9:23

Thank you.

SPEAKER_09 9:24

Are you hard on yourself when you draw?

SPEAKER_10 9:27

Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 9:29

My son is an artist and he's incredibly talented, but when he starts, that was a big challenge in the book.

SPEAKER_10 9:35

I kept starting over, which is why it took me so long to kind of get the concept together because I was like, no, I don't like this. This isn't right, this isn't right.

SPEAKER_05 9:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 9:44

But then once I like let that go and I was like, okay, let's just get one version of this done. That's when like things started to kind of click and stuff. But um, yeah. Okay, so this is um infected with a question. When I wake up to the sound of my alarm, my first thought almost always is does my throat hurt? I swallow to see. It's a little scratchy. I swallow again and I trace the pain that runs down the left side of my throat with my finger. It hurts. Panic sets in. I become infected with a question. Why is where it all begins. Allergies, virus, infection, something more serious, cancer, a mystery illness with no cure. I ignore unopened messages from my friends asking if I'm coming today. I urgently need answers from search engines to see when there are any mentions of when I'll be dead. My search history reads like a medical journal. I click the same purple links that I always reread just in case I missed something. I read and reread the phrase, the most common cause. But I need to know the cause. I swallow again. This time it really hurts. I start to sweat. Do I have a fever? Search. What is considered a fever? Typical body temperature is 98.6, but very slightly. Can no one give me a straight answer? I don't need to read anymore. Now I need to act. I take my temperature again and again as if my memory is being wiped clean in between each beep. Why don't I believe what the numbers read? I feel the tears start to well up as a familiar sensation of frustration. You would think it would get boring, the same old story. The question why must be a viral infection. Because it seems my brain has no immunity to this question.

SPEAKER_06 11:28

Wow, that's so good. And you know I am like relating hard to this because I have health OCD. And the number of times I've diagnosed myself with cancer, AIDS, you name it. Yeah. And it's exactly something like that, like this little thing where you're like, oh, it's that my throat. And for most people, they'd go, oh yeah, I have a little scratchy throat, or maybe I ate something all this. For us, it's a full-blown thing.

SPEAKER_10 11:52

So I'm like 90% of the time terrified that I have a strep throat. Yeah. Like, and I don't want to give it to anybody. So that's like the moral, like kind of it intersects sometimes, yeah. And then this is like the thermometer, right? That's like smoking. That's so great. But yes, used to do that quite a bit.

SPEAKER_06 12:10

Well, there's no worse reading than 98.9.

SPEAKER_10 12:13

Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 12:14

98.9 is a terrible reading because you're like, well, it's not 98.6, and so maybe I do have a fever.

SPEAKER_10 12:19

I'm really happy you picked up on that because that is like one of those little things that I was like, what's like the worst one that I could think of to put on there? Um so that's really cool to hear that like relating number on the decimal place.

SPEAKER_06 12:33

Oh god. Terrible in every way. Just one thing before you go. Yeah. You've come a long way in your OCD. What intervention have you found most helpful and kind of what would you recommend to someone listening to help themselves get to that place?

SPEAKER_10 12:46

Yeah, um, I mean, there's so many options, right? Um and everything is, you know, different for everybody and kind of what works for you and what kind of clicks. Um for me, I did a lot of um acceptance and commitment therapy, like act. So I really like that um kind of.

SPEAKER_09 13:05

That's what I need to do.

SPEAKER_10 13:07

Yeah, um, like which is I mean it's gonna help. Yeah, it's very, very good because I'm exposed quite a bit just in life. So um it's uh it's a cool thing. Um but yeah, so I I did that and um I I really like that, like kind of chasing your values and and really like again like doing things to make your world bigger in despite of like that anxiety. Um because for so long my world was so small.

SPEAKER_09 13:34

Yeah, and I'm sure it is for a lot of people listening to you. You are a testament to what is possible, you're on the other side doing the hard thing.

SPEAKER_10 13:41

Yes, and I also sit wanted to say like if I can you know do it, like you can do it, because I really, really never dreamed that I'd be able to do this. So look at you, congratulations. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mia. Thank you for nice. Thanks for having me. All the best with the guys.

SPEAKER_09 14:02

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_06 14:03

Go get worries whispers, everybody.

SPEAKER_09 14:05

Thank you. Okay, so we are with Jackie and Kirk, this beautiful young couple.

SPEAKER_04 14:11

Yay!

SPEAKER_09 14:12

We met them actually across the way, they have a booth, and you guys are here with the National Pandas Pans Youth Alliance. Okay, tell us a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_04 14:20

It is a 501c4 youth-led nonprofit advocacy organization for PansPandas that I started. And Pans Pandas is basically like the neuroinflammatory or like autoimmune version of um OCD, basically. OCD is a hallmark, hallmark symptom of it. Also includes cognitive decline, chronic fatigue, motor decline, motor ticks, anxiety, depression, all that stuff. So, and I started it, started this nonprofit because I've had this disorder since I was four years old.

SPEAKER_06 14:51

Who had strep and then you woke up the next day with OCD. Is that essentially what happened?

SPEAKER_04 14:56

That's basically what happened was yeah, I got a st I got a strep throat infection, and two weeks later I a switch flipped in my brain and my immune system started attacking my basal ganglia, which is a core uh brain area involved in OCD. It's responsible for motor function, cognition, and emotional regulation. And so when this area gets inflamed, all of those functions get distorted, and that leads to dun dun dun and OCD, and a bunch of the other things that I mentioned, all those other symptoms. And uh we initially saw it saw it like a psychological route of diagnosis and realized that what they told us was probably not what was going on. They thought that I had um OCD, Tourette syndrome, and also intellectual disability, and said that I wouldn't make it through second grade in public school. My parents did not, my parents thought that that was bullshit. And uh we we sought the medical route and figured out that my immune system was attacking my brain. So then I got medical treatment for it, like IVIG infusion for it, and totally good. And then a few a few years ago, actually, I I up until a few years ago, I was totally fine. And then all of a sudden I start like I guess over time I start getting more OCD, and I didn't even realize it. It was very like intrusive thoughts. It was like like pedophile OCD, harm OCD, the most gnarly things that anyone can think of. And I it was also very egodystonic, very against who I was, and also I had also had moral OCD. Um and so I was obsessed with morals and doing the right thing, and um eventually I just couldn't I couldn't take it anymore, and I knowing that I could potentially end up in a psych court, I just admitted what was going on in my head to to my dad. And um he told me it was actually over our over my first beer. Oh yeah, we were like, we were in San Diego, we're in in my at my grandparents' house, we were drinking a beer, and it was my first beer ever, it was IPA, it was disgusting. It was horrible. And then it was horrible, and then um uh he was like, son, this is just OCD.

SPEAKER_09 17:10

I can't believe that.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

I don't know how he knew that because he he works in tech, he's like Silicon Valley tech guy, like how do you know about mental health? Like what thank goodness and so so yeah, and yeah, thank goodness. So I I rediscovered that I had basically OCD, and then we did testing for infections, and what do you know? I have Babesia, might have Lyme, might have Lyme disease, might have Bardanella, might have uh strep again, and then also different pneumonia, like a bunch of viruses, like I have. Yeah, exactly. So so basically I once again realized that like I have pandas and pans, like neuroinflammation because of, and that's what's causing my OCD. And um for my main main confession, the weirdest thing that I've ever done, I think, is um after I started initially getting treated, it it's been an absolute journey. A month after I started getting treated, I was still in very bad shape, and my my harm OCD basically got like re-triggered, and I was starting getting I started getting very extreme thoughts about you know hurting other people, hurting myself, and then this thought occurred to me if I keep living, I'm responsible for all death, which means that I need to end my life to save everyone else from dying. And so I was like, Alright, like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna like fall for that. Like, I'm I'm strong, like I know this is OCD, and I'm like, alright, so like if lightning strikes the street right by my dorm, then then that means this is true. So I like look, do I like look outside to see if lightning struck? And then, thank god it didn't. Well honestly, I'm like, I'm too selfish. I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have had it like that. I wouldn't be on this confessional, honestly, yeah. So you know what, if that's the case, I don't really care. I don't wait.

SPEAKER_09 19:16

What's what is that called when you're like, okay, if I do that, that's like that, that's the magical difference.

SPEAKER_04 19:21

I think that's the way that's I think that a lot.

SPEAKER_09 19:22

Yeah, I always say, like, if this shows up right now, I'm gonna close my eyes and open them.

SPEAKER_04 19:27

That's the scariest because sometimes like sometimes it happens, and you're like, no, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_09 19:33

And then all of you like, I'm gonna do it again. If it happens again, then it must be. Oh man, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_06 19:39

That's rough. And you're here with your girlfriend, Jackie. Yeah. So what brings you here? You also struggle with OCD. So what's your confession?

SPEAKER_03 19:46

So I'm here with Kirk. I also have OCD. I was diagnosed when I was 16. I'm 21 years old right now. Um been coping with it ever since. I'm also currently in undergrad for psychology, so I want to go the clinical psych route, so I'm here to learn as well to like connect and you know build community with people who are like me. Um what's my confession? I have a lot of different things that I could say right now. I think I'm gonna go the funny route. I think the funniest thing I've ever done, looking back, wasn't so funny in the moment, was I didn't eat for two days because I thought that everybody in my life was trying to poison me. But for some reason, there was one singular thing that I could consume in those two days that I thought was poison-free and safe, and it was an iced matcha latte with coconut milk with coconut milk from Starbucks. And that was that was all I ran on for like 48 hours. It might have been longer than two days. How many did you have in 48 hours? Like, probably like six. Like I was in and out of Starbucks. I'm I'm so serious.

SPEAKER_02 20:58

Starbucks is not the most D.

SPEAKER_06 21:01

So just a word of warning to Kirk that if at any point she's like, hey, could you test this food for me? She's trying to see. You're like, you know, was it wasn't it in like the royal court that you have somebody would take test the food?

SPEAKER_04 21:14

As long as I don't have to pay for it, I'll uh it's fine, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 21:19

Get a free macchiata with it. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 21:24

And where are you both with it now?

SPEAKER_03 21:27

Um, so I think I'm doing a lot better than I was at that time. That was, I think, like four or five years ago now. Um during that time I started doing ERP exposure response prevention therapy, um, as well as like CBT combined. Um currently I'm out of that, and I just kind of do like talk therapy. Um, and recently I did EMDR, which was like life changing for me. I'm a very skeptical person, so I went into it with a lot of depth. I don't think you're gonna bring up something from my childhood. I don't think this is gonna work. And then within like 10 minutes of EMDR, I was like crying. I was seeing things from when I was like two years old that I couldn't even remember before. I was seeing things that never even happened. Yeah, it was it was an amazing experience. Um so yeah, so but overall I think I'm doing a lot better with it. Uh I've worked on myself a lot, and I think the biggest like I think lesson that I've learned has just been instead of trying to like ward off OCD and think of it as like a bad thing that's ruining my life, instead of just kind of like accepting it and like living with it and being able to like sit with fear and know that that doesn't like define my character and who I am, and it's just like kind of a part of me. I think that's the biggest thing for me.

SPEAKER_04 22:49

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:50

I love that.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

I'm in a in a similar place, doing a lot lot better. Um, and it's because of a combination of being on antibiotics for a year and a half because that's just what my treatment involves, and also getting I VIG infusions every single month. Um and also doing doing therapy as well. And I do exposure response prevention on myself, but I do internal family systems with a therapist, and that basically it's similar to acceptance and commitment therapy. It's kind of breaking yourself down into parts and realizing that every part, including the OCD part, including the different parts of that OCD part, like the harm OCD, whatever it may be, is actually there to protect you, and it's there, it's actually very aligned with who you are. It's just misguided and it feels the need to protect you in a way that actually unfortunately leads to like compulsions, you know, and and very debilitating thoughts, um, and just debilitating symptoms and experiences. Um but it's not like that part is evil, you know, it's like it's a part of me, and I love that part, you know. I love that part just as all of my other parts.

SPEAKER_09 24:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:10

You know? Um because it's there to protect me and um I feel like it's really giving me like a much better relationship with with myself. So yeah. That's so great.

SPEAKER_09 24:22

That's so great. Kirk, if you had something to say to an eight-year-old, a seven-year-old out there that got OCD from Pandas, what what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_04 24:32

You're gonna be okay. Um I wish I could hug you right now. Um but someone out there cares about you. There's plenty of people out there who care about you, and you what you're going through is incredibly hard, but it will make you stronger.

SPEAKER_09 24:49

Thank you guys so much.

SPEAKER_06 24:50

Thank you both for changing lives by doing what you're doing here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 24:55

Yeah. It's awesome.

SPEAKER_06 24:57

And enjoy the conference. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 24:59

And you're so pretty. Your eyes are. Your eyes are like your eyes are so beautiful. Oh, thank you. And the way he looks at you is so cute. You're so beautiful. We're a bunch of beautiful people. Quick break. We'll be right back. But first, a word from our sponsor.

SPEAKER_06 25:16

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SPEAKER_02 27:22

What's your name? I'm Autumn. Autumn, this is the first time. And I'm with uh all of my lovely OCD support group friends representing showing up. Have fun.

SPEAKER_09 27:46

Awesome. When did OCD first show up for you?

SPEAKER_02 27:48

When I was about six years old. Okay, before we hear that, do you have a confession? Okay, my confession is that as an adult on the dating apps, I will almost always run my text message responses through ChatGPT before I send them to make sure they're okay. I like that one. I mean, you do that.

SPEAKER_06 28:13

Only on grander.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

And I run the guys' messages through ChatGPT and ask how interested they sound.

SPEAKER_06 28:20

Oh my gosh. Do you get good responses from chat?

SPEAKER_02 28:23

Sometimes.

SPEAKER_09 28:24

I feel like it's pretty biased though, right? It tells you what you want to hear. Exactly. So have you ever tested one of those dates? Yes. And was ChatGPT right? Uh maybe. It's a little hard to say, but hilarious.

SPEAKER_06 28:36

Did chat ever make you change the text? You said, like, this is what I'm gonna. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Yeah, it'll be like, I wouldn't send that.

SPEAKER_06 28:43

Really? Like, what was the thing that you sent?

SPEAKER_02 28:46

I feel like probably something, if I was like upset or sad and I was like saying like what you said like really hurt me or something, chat would be like, I wouldn't. Oh no!

SPEAKER_06 28:57

Chat? I don't like that from chat. You know, say your piece, say what you think. And so what would it change it to?

SPEAKER_02 29:03

It would say It would just be like, I'd omit that part. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it'll correct like how many emojis I want to use, and it'll be like, I would use less.

SPEAKER_06 29:12

Oh my god. So do you do this then once you've sent the text? Do you go back and read it many, many times to check what you sent? And oh, did I not, did I somehow send a nude picture with that?

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Absolutely, constantly. Or I worry that I'm gonna take the screenshots on my phone of our conversation that I'm sending to chat and send it back to the person. And they're gonna know that you use chat. I did that once. No, you didn't. I did. And I told him I was like, oh, I was holding my phone and the lock screen wasn't on. That was a mistake.

SPEAKER_06 29:44

There's no chance he bought that.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

I know, but I was like, I didn't say that.

SPEAKER_11 29:48

Do you still now use chat? I do! Do you have a name for your chat? I don't feel like she has a name. She's just like, she's just your she's just chilling with me. She's your wing woman. Yes. Uh we love it.

SPEAKER_06 30:02

I love that. Well, thank you for confessing with us today.

SPEAKER_09 30:05

Yes, indeed. Definitely not alone with that. So we appreciate you opening up and sharing that. Thank you. Excellent.

SPEAKER_06 30:10

And happy birthday, Autumn.

SPEAKER_09 30:12

Thank you!

SPEAKER_06 30:12

So next up in the confessional booth, we have Crystal. Crystal. Yes. Love it. What is your OCD confession?

SPEAKER_01 30:20

So my OCD confession is when I it was before I was diagnosed ever. I was sitting at our dinner table and we were eating fried chicken as a family, and I could not finish it because my OCD at the time was like, oh, if you get full, you're gonna throw up because I have emetophobia. So it's emetaphobia, OCD eating disorder. It's a fun thing. But I was like, yeah, no, I can't eat all of this. And my parents were like, why not? I mean, we just need to eat to eat it. You're so tiny. I'm like, no, I can't I can't. They're like, alright, you're gonna stay here until you do. And I was like, bet, and stayed there the whole night until it was bedtime. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 30:54

So you didn't get your dessert?

SPEAKER_01 30:56

No. I did not. But I was proving a point, but it was OCD proving a point.

SPEAKER_09 31:00

Right, it was OCD. And your parents didn't know it at the time, obviously. They were just trying to teach you a lesson. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so how is you do you still have emetophobia?

SPEAKER_01 31:08

Oh yeah, yeah. I'm actually speaking about emetophobia along with Arfin and OCD later to in the conference. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 31:13

Yeah, but I've had it my entire life. And how are you doing at the conference? Like eating the food here that's at the conference? Is that triggering you or are you in a place where you can eat that and it's okay?

SPEAKER_01 31:22

I'm in a place where I can eat that and it's okay. Yeah. Like there's actually a bagel that I have with salmon on it. Oh my god, it's sick. Right here. I it's been like maybe an hour or so that it's been like I've been chilling with it.

SPEAKER_06 31:33

Yeah, but it's smoked salmon. It's pretty well cooked.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

But I'm gonna eat it later, even though my brain is like, we'll see. And if you get sick, you get sick. Exactly. What are you gonna do? Exactly. Pull over and die. I'm kidding.

SPEAKER_09 31:46

Well, thank you for your confession. Yes, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Glad you guys are here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 31:51

We're back here in the OCD confessional booth at the IOCDF conference, and we're joined by Odin. Odin, how old are you?

SPEAKER_07 31:58

I'm 13.

SPEAKER_06 31:59

13 years old. He's been kind of helping us out here in the. He kind of like helped you set up a little bit yesterday.

SPEAKER_09 32:06

Yeah, you got a hammer.

SPEAKER_06 32:08

People here are so friendly. That's one of the things I like so much about this conference. We all are going through it together. So, Odin, we wanted to ask you what is your OCD confession?

SPEAKER_07 32:17

Well, there was this one time when I was trying to get away with washing my hands because we did an exposure and I had to touch one of the things that was like super contaminated for me. And so what I had to do is I had to wash my hands for like a long time, but my th my therapist was right there. So I was I pointed at the wall because they still had the COVID thing up, and I was like, I have to wash my hands for 20 seconds because she was only giving me two seconds to wash my hands. Oh, and you're like, hey, look, the government's like, yeah, we have to wash our hands for 20 seconds. What did she say? She said, Oh no, here we do things differently. Yeah. And I was like, well, still, can you just this one time?

SPEAKER_09 33:07

Yeah. Is contamination OCD your biggest theme? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And when did that first show up for you?

SPEAKER_07 33:14

Um, that first showed up around, I would say like maybe a year and a half ago. Uh just when I was going into uh sixth grade. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 33:24

And how are you doing now? You're at this conference with thousands of people, lots of terms here, unfortunately. It's a reality. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_07 33:32

I'm doing good, yeah. I think um Rogers, my treatment, um really help helped. Um I tried a lot of other things. I tried therapy and stuff, which didn't really work. And Rogers really clicked for me. What's that? I don't know, I haven't heard of that. It's uh Rogers Behavioral Health. Uh it's uh ERP. Oh, got it.

SPEAKER_06 33:53

Okay, so you're doing ERP, so you've got your exposures. I think I shook your hand yesterday.

SPEAKER_07 33:57

I did, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 33:58

How did that do?

SPEAKER_07 33:59

That was okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 34:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 34:01

I'm um I'm doing a lot better actually, yeah. Um most of my contamination is from school. So uh school things. And I still need a valid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 34:11

Do you ever use that to just get out of school because you're like, I don't want to go today.

SPEAKER_07 34:14

Hey, mom, I think there's you know, uh I really um uh really school, even though I don't like it sometimes, it's really important for me to have my education, and I'm thankful for that. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 34:30

Oh, what a great answer. It's only because his mom is watching.

SPEAKER_07 34:34

No, I would do that another.

SPEAKER_09 34:36

I would do that even if she isn't here. What would you say to um maybe another kid your age going through it?

SPEAKER_07 34:43

I would say that, you know, it seems like a path that's never ending, and it really is it really is doable. You just need to stick with it and just trust the process and really just trust what the professionals and people who have done and completed uh their treatments and discharged because everything's worth it in the end. Uh just being free and um even if it's super hard, uh it's just worth it being free from that trapped cage, I would say. Oh no.

SPEAKER_06 35:25

You were the best man.

SPEAKER_09 35:27

Liam.

SPEAKER_06 35:28

What?

SPEAKER_09 35:28

Are you tearing up?

SPEAKER_06 35:29

A little bit. Liam does make the case.

SPEAKER_09 35:30

Liam doesn't cry, can't get him to cry. So you just tearing up tearing. That was incredible, Odin. Thank you so much for having the courage to sit down with us today. That was awesome.

SPEAKER_06 35:40

Have fun, buddy. We'll do a fist bump.

SPEAKER_09 35:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 35:42

All right.

SPEAKER_09 35:42

Cool. We are so excited to sit down with Bri. Bree has been an amazing supporter of our Instagram page and following along since day one. We appreciate that. And we get to visit with her in person here today. So lovely meeting you. You too, so excited. Thank you for sitting down. We are gonna jump right in. What's your confession?

SPEAKER_08 36:01

Okay, uh, so some of my OCD is around rule breaking, specifically breaking the law. Um, and yesterday I went with a group to do the exposure by Pike Place, and we did the gum wall. Uh, and I may have been in my hotel room later Googling is it actually legal to put gum on the gum wall? Is it? It is it is. We're completely good, it's completely legal. Um, technically vandalism, but they're you know, they kind of turned a blind eye to it.

SPEAKER_06 36:28

Wait, Bree, I have to tell you, the police are coming.

SPEAKER_08 36:30

Don't do that to her. Okay, well that would be that would be a story, but yeah, Seattle kind of turns a blind eye to it. They're like, it's a tourist attraction, put all the gum you want. So it was fun.

SPEAKER_09 36:40

Well, I can relate to that, Brie, because I have this fear that I committed a crime and someone's going to knock on my door and arrest me and put me in prison for the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_08 36:49

So that's so there, no law breaking. Um, but yeah, it was it was fun. We all got to chew our piece of gum and put it on the wall. Not, you know, the most sanitary thing, but it was it was fun.

SPEAKER_06 37:00

So did it make your contamination OCD go off, or do you not have contamination?

SPEAKER_08 37:03

I mean it was gross. I don't really struggle with contamination too much. Although I did just walking by, you kind of want to just like cringe a little bit. Um but then when you look at You're not taking a piece off the wall. No, no, I would not, no, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_09 37:16

But um What if they made you do that? Some of the ARP stuff that people I hear about is you wouldn't ever do that normally. So why are they forcing it?

SPEAKER_06 37:24

I've seen someone eat a cookie off of a toilet soon.

SPEAKER_08 37:27

Oh, they do the well, okay, but no one's doing that. Well, so you gotta take it to the limit, guys. If you're if you do the road to recovery tour, there's the toilet tic-tac. Touch the toilet, eat a tic-tac.

SPEAKER_06 37:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_08 37:36

I did that last year. That made my stomach turn. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 37:39

Did you do okay?

SPEAKER_08 37:40

Yeah, I touched toilet and then they hand you a tic-tac.

SPEAKER_06 37:42

Is the tic-tac brown?

SPEAKER_08 37:44

Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_06 37:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 37:45

Were a lot of people struggling with that one? Uh some people were. We also had a cleaning person in the bathroom at the same time that this whole group comes in, so I'm sure there's a I actually don't think I would do that. They're thinking, what in the world, you know, these people are eating Tic Tacs in this bathroom. Yeah, it's very, it's it's very weird. Would you do that?

SPEAKER_06 37:59

I would if contamination OCD were exactly.

SPEAKER_09 38:04

But it exactly. But if I don't think contamination OCD is a thing for me and I still wouldn't do that, does that mean that it is a thing for me?

SPEAKER_06 38:10

No, it just means that you're like that's gross, and it is gross. It's it's objectively a gross thing to do. You don't need to push that limit because it's not a theme for you.

SPEAKER_08 38:20

Exactly. Yeah, same. Got it. So it is pushing the limit.

SPEAKER_06 38:23

Yes, pushing the limits. Oh, Brie, it's so nice to finally see you in person.

SPEAKER_08 38:27

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_06 38:30

Have fun here at the IOCDF conference. Thank you. Next up in the confessional booth here in Seattle at the IOCDF conference is Jordan. Thanks so much for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 38:39

Thank you, Jordan. Hello, I'm excited.

SPEAKER_09 38:41

Okay, what's your confession?

SPEAKER_00 38:43

All right, so I was around 12 years old whenever I first like can recall having an OCD thought. And it sounds like really complex and interesting in my brain. And looking back, I think, yeah, that one was a little weird. That one was a little weird. I was my brain convinced me that any object in the middle of the road was a baby. And that if I were to see the object, like if it was a cardboard box or a bag or something like that, that there was a baby. It was actually a baby, it wasn't the object itself, and that I was going to have to take responsibility for this baby and then be a teen mom. And I I recall so vividly, like driving, you know, in the car, and I'd see a box, and like my first thought is like that's a baby, and you have to go check to make sure it's a baby. Because if it is a baby, you are gonna be a- You're now a mom. You're a mom now, and you're 12. So would you pull over and check? Well, I would be in the car with like my family because I couldn't drive at 12, but I would try to convince my parents or my grandma or whoever I was with to kind of go back around, like, I saw something, can we go back? And it would cause me a lot of distress because I wouldn't know if it was actually a baby or not. And I like that progressed when I was actually driving to where I would go back around the block, and this had lingered for so long. I'm in my 30s now, and the last time that I had this thought, and I remember I don't think that's a baby anymore, was like two months ago when I was driving, and my husband's like and I'm like, no, that's not a baby. I don't think it's a baby.

SPEAKER_06 40:20

Turns out it was actually a baby.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

Yeah, this time it was a baby, for sure. No, but I just I know for myself, like it was interesting because that was so visceral, like a reaction in me. And I was like, I'm gonna be a teen mom, and I'm gonna have to explain everyone how I found this baby on the side of the road, and that's my baby now. Did something trigger that thought, like a movie or a show or something? Where did I I think the trigger actually came from this like the value that I hold, which is that I have a lot of love to give and I knew I wanted to be a mom. And what in the event that it was gonna be an unconventional way of becoming a parent, I knew that I wanted to be a mother. And so I think that that and being a parentified child and things like that, I just would assume responsibility for kiddos all the time and like kind of adopt them. And this was like my brain's like twisting and turning of that value that I hold that I really, really care about loving people and taking care of people.

SPEAKER_06 41:11

So what was like the weirdest thing that your brain convinced you was a baby? Like, was there like a banana peel or something? You're like, oh, that's a really little baby.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

Most of the time, honestly, it was like cardboard boxes or a trash bag, or I grew up in the desert of California, a tumbleweed rolling across the road. I'm like a baby rolling across the road.

SPEAKER_09 41:36

Oh my gosh, our mind is wild how it plays tricks on this. Very creative. Absolutely. I'm glad you don't still have that. Yes, me too. Um, do you have any others that are showing up for you right now?

SPEAKER_00 41:48

For me right now, so I am 15 months postpartum, and so I have a little one. I have a baby now. He's wonderful, the light of my life. And I it's not as like silly, but there's things like that he'll do that I am convinced is gonna mean that he'll like turn out like me, which is not necessarily like a bad thing. I just would say like um You're watching for the OCD in him.

SPEAKER_06 42:16

Yes, yeah, I do that all the time.

SPEAKER_00 42:18

And like convincing myself that like little gestures that he's doing means that he will have OCD, or um, you know, like he'll like what if he like he'll like he's very expressive in his face, and so I'm like watching for ticks and things. So like I'm convinced that like a little thing that he does is a tick, but that's not as like silly that my brain has been doing, but that's like the most recent. Has he ever ever ended up in a tumbleweed rolling across the not quite tumbleweeding, but honestly, he is he's an Aries baby, and he's gonna hold me on my toes, and I can just see it. He's climbing, running, jumping, all the things, and I'm like, you just learn how to walk.

SPEAKER_09 42:56

Yeah. Um he is your ERP for sure.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

And he's had the same two teeth since he was nine months old, and I've been convinced that he has no other teeth in his mouth. Are he's gonna be the only person that never knows at all? And I'm like, he's just gonna gum the rest of his life. Like he's gonna be an old grandpa baby with no teeth. With no teeth. Yeah, so oh gosh, that's it's so interesting what the brain can do.

SPEAKER_09 43:19

It really is. Yeah. So now you're a therapist?

SPEAKER_00 43:21

I am a therapist, yep. And I've been in mental health for over 10 years now, which is really crazy to say. And I do specialize in treating OCD and anxiety disorders.

SPEAKER_06 43:30

Very cool. Jordan, the world is lucky to have you. Have fun here at the IOCDF.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

Thank you so much for what you do and for the platform to destigmatize OCD. I think it's great. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 43:39

Yay, that was awesome. You were great. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 43:42

Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 43:46

Thanks for listening to another episode of the OCD Confessional. Be sure to follow the show so you get new episodes. You can subscribe to us on YouTube or find us on Instagram and TikTok at the OCD Confessional.