The Summit Emotional Health Podcast
Welcome to the Summit Emotional Health Podcast with Dr. Matt Bitsko, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Summit Emotional Health. In each episode, he sits down with experienced clinicians to explore the theories, concepts, and interventions that have made a meaningful impact in their lives and therapeutic work. We hope that each conversation offers thoughtful insights and practical tools to support your own journey toward well-being.
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The Summit Emotional Health Podcast
10 One-on-One Time Between Children and Caregivers with Sarah Harvey
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This episode, Matt sits down with licensed professional counselor Sarah Harvey to talk about the importance of one-on-one time with children and their caregivers. Sarah explains how giving kids focused, positive attention can strengthen relationships, build trust, and improve behavior. She also shares practical strategies and everyday examples parents can use to intentionally connect with their children and build healthier family dynamics.
Resources Mentioned:
NPR Article
Seattle Children's Hospital FAST Parenting Workbooks
For Children Ages 5-12:
For Teens:
Welcome to the Summit Emotional Health Podcast. I'm Dr. Matt Bitsko, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Summit Emotional Health. This series explores what we call our non-negotiables. These are the key concepts, interventions, and approaches that guide how we understand and practice psychotherapy. In each episode, I sit down with one of our experienced clinicians to explore one of their favorite theories or strategies. Our hope is this will give you an opportunity to discover practical tools and insights for yourself and your family. Today I get to sit down with Sarah Harvey, a licensed professional counselor at Summit Emotional Health. Sarah works with children ages 4 to 14 and their families to improve their communication and emotional functioning across all aspects of their lives. Today we get to talk about One-on-One Time as a wonderfully effective set of tools to connect and engage with our children. One-on-one comes from decades of research within the fields of the match conduct protocol and parent-child interaction therapy. These skills help us build strong connections and positive attention with our kids to help foster a healthy and calm family culture. So without any further delay, please enjoy this episode of a Summit Non Negotiable. So today I get to sit down with Sarah Harvey, who is a licensed professional counselor here at Summit Emotional Health. Let me hand it over to Sarah and can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
SPEAKER_01Sure. Thanks, Matt. So yes, I'm a licensed professional counselor. I specialize in working with children ages four to fourteen and their families. In the younger age bracket, maybe ages four to say eight or nine, a lot of my work focuses on children who might be having behavior challenges, whether that's related to a mental health diagnosis or just part of their developmental range. That is something that I treat. And one-on-one time is one of the core foundational skills I use with families to start to turn challenging behavior around.
SPEAKER_00Thank you for that. So the one-on-one time is kind of the general umbrella, right? We're going to talk about. You're going to walk us through a couple different either skills or approaches, but give us a little bit of the history of where this behavior even kind of came from.
SPEAKER_01Right, exactly. So the one-on-one time is the foundational skill of a specific type of therapy called parent-child interaction therapy or PCIT as it's known for short. PCIT was first published in 1988 and then developed throughout the 90s. So this is evidence-based therapy and interventions, but really thinking about the timeline, relatively new research. So in the 2000s, we've really come into using this regularly now, especially with younger children. So this kind of current generation of parents is the first generation of parents to have access to this research and be using these skills.
SPEAKER_00So that plays into one of the conversations we often have, or I don't know if it's a complaint, but just an acknowledgement that some parents have, depending on their age and their generation. We weren't brought up this way, but as we were talking about right before this, you know, the whole notion of parenting is fairly new. Like the concept of a parenting expert or parenting skills or certain approaches, you know, we have a lot of people that say, well, that's not how I was raised. Or, you know, I certainly didn't see my parents do that. But but we're even acknowledging this is it's kind of newer the last you know 30 years, 40 years really. And there's so much that we've learned that can really help us pretty immediately with some of the concepts that you're going to share with us today.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. Um, which is why I'm even more excited to talk about it today. And I love um walking families through this entire protocol because it is new research and it's so effective, and we're lucky to have it these days. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I mean, you said PCIT, which is part of some of the match interventions, right? So I want you to tell us a little bit more about that, but it's really effective because these are very specific. They are able to be easily taught. It's hard as a parent to always do really great with them, but that's why as a clinician and as a parent, these are so digestible, I think.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Yes. And so PCIT that is the most sort of intensive version of these skills and intervention. And since PCIT first came on the scene, it's been digested into a little bit more approachable models, and match conduct is one of those models which I am trained in from my hospital experience. So I'm trained and certified in Match, and I love this approach because it works with a wide variety of families and behavior challenges with kiddos. And it is, to what you said, Matt, very teachable, hard in the moment, you know, does take a lot of work from parents, um, but it is teachable. And once you start doing these skills on a regular basis, it becomes more natural and it really changes the dynamics in the home.
SPEAKER_00I'm sure the the parents are listening, they're they're eager to hear. You know, let's let's dive into the first one of your choosing here. What's the first way that you would either teach this or help us understand it?
SPEAKER_01Okay, so the first skill I will start with is the one-on-one time skill as a whole. And so what one-on-one is about, and at the hospital where I previously trained, we called it the secret sauce. If this is the only thing you do with your child, you are going to see real benefits from this in terms of your relationship to the child, your child's ability to follow your directions, um, to listen well, and some reduction of power struggles, which was so often the case with our young children. So the idea behind one-on-one time, it is specific child-directed playtime between the child and the caregiver. Um, a few things we want to hit with one-on-one are uh picking just an activity that's interactive. So it could be anything from like imaginative play with dolls or blocks, getting outside, playing a game together. We want it to be really low lift, actually, because you're gonna be doing this multiple times a week. So it should be the simpler the better. We do not need to do extravagant or unique experiences. Um, the key here to the playtime is it's going to be child-led, as I said. So the child is going to choose the activity, and then you, as parent, are really following along with their play and staying completely engaged.
SPEAKER_00With a child choosing a behavior, you might not walk to me outside and say, please choose your behavior for a one-on-one time. Like we might do that. Like there might be a time where it turns into something that's specific because then the child could even ask for it. But isn't it true that when you're trying this out, when you're starting out, you're waiting for the child to be doing something that is something that you could subtly, smoothly engage with, right?
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's absolutely true. So you can be observing your child, and when they are doing interactive play on their own, again, if it's their coloring, drawing, playing with their toys, um, playing a game or showing interest in a board game, you can join them right where they are, meet them where they are in that play, and then slowly you can sort of structure actual scheduled one-on-one time into the family routine. For getting it into the routine, I would aim for about four times a week, and it can be as little as 10 to 15 minutes each session. Um, and you can split that up among caregivers. So if there's mom and dad, they can each do two different sessions of one-on-one time with the child. A grandparent can also do one-on-one time if they're a primary caregiver. Any caregiver will benefit from doing this skill with the child.
SPEAKER_00Let's go to a possible, you know, speed bump.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Do you ever have it where you know one parent is a little bit more engaged or a little bit more eager to do this than the other?
SPEAKER_01Oh, absolutely. And what I tell parents is if it feels awkward at first, you're doing it right, right? Because it's just it's not supernatural for us to be playing directly with our children on their level. And that's really the key here is we really want to meet the kid at their level. So that's okay. You might want to test out some different activities. Some other speed bumps that parents run into are we really want to pick an activity that we anticipate is going to go well. Some of our younger kiddos might struggle, for instance, with winning or losing in board games. So let's take board games off the table. Um, let's focus on play that's totally imaginative and where there's no winner or loser. So do your best to engage in play that's gonna be successful. And yeah, it's gonna take a few tries to get your to find your rhythm, and it might feel a little awkward, and that's okay. And I do have some specific skills within this skill that can kind of help parents know what to do during the play and um get into a rhythm.
SPEAKER_00You got it. So I'm a I'm kind of a visual learner. If I can picture it, then that helps me know kind of what to do just in the moment as we're doing it. So I've already got in my head, all right, I'm gonna try to find my child, you know, already doing something. Um, probably not a board game or a win-loss, not probably not a competitive thing. Right. Something that is just kind of natural, organic. They're just kind of doing it. So you're just kind of doing it with them. Perfect. Right. We used to call they call parallel play, right, in the preschool. Give us some other specifics of what we ought to really be striving for.
SPEAKER_01Sure. So once you've nailed on that activity, just as you described, Matt, there are five skills that we want to hit. Um we call them pride skills in the match conduct uh realm, uh, because that is just a nice acronym to remember them by. But first, we want to be giving good verbal praise. This one is nice and simple. Any parent can do it. So anything we're noticing that's going well during play, we're gonna call out verbally. So that could be something like, wow, you're so good at building with Legos, you're really creative. And then it can also be kind of commentary just on the time. I love when we can spend time together. Wow, you look so calm right now, you're really focused. So just praising those specific good behaviors that we're seeing. Second one is reflecting what the child is saying. So some children are naturally very verbal and they're gonna be talking a lot, explaining what they're doing, and you just think, parrot, I'm just gonna repeat back exactly what they said. So if kiddo says, I'm building a dragon out of the Legos, parent says, You're building a dragon out of the Legos. It just really lets that child know you have their full attention and you're really engaged. Um, we want to imitate, do the same thing your child is doing. So back to if my child is building a dragon with the Legos, I'm adding on to their dragon. I'm helping them with their activity. I'm not doing something separate on my own. So we really want to, again, child-led. I'm just gonna follow along, kind of imitate what my child is doing, do the same thing they are doing. Two other things I want parents to try and hit, describe. So at points where the child is quiet, just be think sports broadcaster. I'm just gonna say what I'm observing. Okay, now you're putting the green Legos on top of the gray Legos. Ooh, that dragon is getting a lot taller. So you're just describing what's happening, again, letting them know they have your full undivided attention. And then um, E, last letter of pride, is just for enthusiasm. So just have fun. Laugh, give a high five, um, really have fun with this, stay engaged, smile. Just let your child know that you are enjoying this time as much as they are.
SPEAKER_00So those are those are five easy steps, five easy concepts. We can remember pride, we can practice them. But I think it's okay if we if we don't get it perfect the first time, right? Or if one maybe if if one of the five don't come as naturally. Yes, we still want to try them, but is it okay in your experience? You know, what what what's the flexibility between because we love flexibility, but if we're working with the parents, do we really need to say, look, I know, but just please try the five?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so absolutely, that's a great point. Um, I would say hit that praise and enthusiasm. If you're doing that, that's a long way. So pointing out, just saying what's going well, saying how much you're enjoying the time, uh, having a good time. And then if you can hit the reflection, imitation description, that's bonus, but really it's going to be the praise and just um giving your undivided attention that's really at the core. That alone will go a long way with this skill.
SPEAKER_00And let me just ask, is this something that we're doing proactively just to make sure it's a healthier environment? I mean, when I when I talk to parents, when I give parenting presentations, I'll often ask, like, what is the culture of your family? And you know, in what ways did you build that? Which ways are you trying to subtly change it? Can this be helpful when you're having some behavioral difficulties with your child?
SPEAKER_01Yes, absolutely can be helpful both proactively and reactively. So if we already have some behavior challenges, this is going to be a helpful reset for the relationship. Um, we're gonna see better listening from the child, following one-on-one time, and then hopefully that should generalize to just better listening in general, more respectful behavior towards parent, because what we're doing with the one-on-one time is we are dosing autonomy and attention to the child. And those are major, major drivers of child's behavior. Um, so to be proactively dosing that throughout the week with our sessions of one-on-one time is going to change that dynamic. And if you're not yet facing some behavior challenges, though, let's be honest, parenting is challenging. Um, already just doing the one-on-one time is just gonna be great for your family in that dynamic.
SPEAKER_00Give us those top two again, because I think that helps explain the why behind all this, why this works. So the the top two things that kids of this age want are what again?
SPEAKER_01They are autonomy. So they want to be in charge, they want to have a say in their life and their choices. And this creates natural friction in a family because, of course, especially for a young child, they are going to have very limited opportunities to exercise autonomy. We are making decisions for them all day long, which is appropriate. That's really part of parenting, but that inner drive is still very, very strong in this developmental stage. So, again, we are kind of meeting them and giving them a bit of autonomy in this controlled way. Um, and then the other main driver is attention for behavior. Kids are just wired to seek attention from their caregivers. And again, as busy caregivers, it can be hard to meet those demands for attention. So this is a nice way to dose it throughout the week and just have it in a more predictable manner.
SPEAKER_00If if we practice it and as it gets better, it will be positive attention, right? Because kids will get our attention, whether it is negatively, whether they know it or not. Yes. Uh it's going to depend on our mood, on our day, on how we're doing it. So this is a, you know, I think if we pull the curtain back, what we're trying to do is teach the parent, support the parent, but have the parent have a better experience.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_00If we have healthy, happy parents, that's great. But you also, because of some of these skills, you'll you'll have those happier kids. But especially when those two things of the autonomy and attention, the two A's, that sounds like a lot of positive outcomes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, absolutely. And again, I love this as a foundational skill as well, because it is a feel-good skill for both child and parent. So if this is not yet into kind of, you know, more advanced skills in match conduct, we are doing some limit setting, some active ignoring, and some more challenging ways of shaping behavior. But this one is one that should be more approachable for parents and something they actually do enjoy. Um, so it's a nice way to start, something that feels good for child and parent.
SPEAKER_00So this is home run for we'll call it four to eight, four to nine, right? Maybe even upwards to the 10 or 12, would you say?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Yeah, upwards to 10 or 12. And then we can modify this for our older children, kind of the tween, and then into the teen group, we can take some of the same principles, absolutely, but having that quality one-on-one time. And so what that might look like with an older child or a teenager is again letting them pick the activity. We want it to be something interactive. Maybe at this point it's like shooting basketballs, it's um going out for a walk, painting each other's nails, right? It might like look a little different, but something that's enjoyable that the child wants to do. And then you can still hit those pride skills, modifying them to be appropriate for that age. So we're not gonna do the parrot kind of repeating back exactly what they're saying, but we certainly can reflect what our child starts to talk about, validate their feelings, and praise is always on the table. So just giving a lot of praise, like, wow, you did work really hard this week on that math test, or gosh, you've gotten so much better at basketball. I can see you've really been practicing. That will always land well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And really that that could evolve into more like active listening stuff. Um, it's kind of the the three H's when you're in any relationship, but especially the child to parent, you know, does my child want to have me hear them? Do they want me to keep hearing them and help them? Well, maybe they just need a hug. Maybe they just see that connection. And that and that's the case in almost any relationships. But with active listening in the middle school and even high school years, try to listen and not problem solve, give them an answer. Exactly. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I was working with a 16-year-old, and I'm like, well, have you talked to mom or dad about this? And they say, if I talk to them, just they're just gonna either tell me what to do, and they're gonna say, Well, what do you think you ought to do? And they're like, Well, if I knew what to do, I wouldn't be asking you, right? So just so it doesn't so it doesn't uh creep into purely transactional.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_00Any other concepts as far as the kind of older kids or anything else? I mean, those are already some really good ones.
SPEAKER_01I think you hit on it, um, but with older kids, I do talk to parents. The challenge that I'll lay out for them is to not ask questions during the time. So really just let letting the child speak, and there might be a lot of silence too, um, which could be a little uncomfortable in the beginning, but really focus on the activity, um, let the child start to talk, and just like you were saying, Matt, just do some of that active listening that can go a long, long way with our older kids and teens. And you will find that then they start to open up a little bit more on their terms, and they might start to seek out the advice and the help on their own terms. Um, yeah, so I think it's really effective.
SPEAKER_00So, resources, I know people are out there and they, you know, you they've already heard PCIT. Are there other resources that they can kind of find on their own to learn about this?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. So, in the show notes, we are gonna link to um a few different resources. There's an NPR article that I share with parents that just offers this exact idea of one-on-one time or special time in a nice digestible way and actually covers all those pride skills. Another great resource that's completely free to parents and totally public is Seattle Children's Hospital has this entire protocol published in a workbook which we'll link to. They call it FAST, so it's yet another acronym, but it is all the same skills. Um, again, these skills have been repackaged in different ways, but the core skills are great, and they they have a workbook for um young children to middle school age, and then a separate one for teens, both of which cover one-on-one time for those respective populations and absolutely excellent free resources to take a look at.
SPEAKER_00Thanks so much, Sarah. So we we usually don't like to focus on the negative. We don't like to tell people what not to do. What you've done this entire time is tell people directly and cleanly what to do. But before we move on from this, can you just tell us are there other kind of no-nos that we should just have in our head to really try to avoid?
SPEAKER_01Yes, just a couple. Um, but for the one-on-one time, we want to make it an interactive activity, meaning no screen activities. So we don't want a passive experience where we're both watching a movie or a show or playing some sort of video game. That's just gonna be too distracting. So no screens is easy to remember. And then the other no is again going back to this should be promoting the child's autonomy. We don't want to be teaching the child something new. Um, ideally, it's a an activity of their choice that they know how to do so that they are in charge. If we are trying to teach them the rules to a new game, something like that, that's going to take away that autonomy piece that's really important for this to be the most successful.
SPEAKER_00You got it. And the one thing we try to do with all of these in this series of podcasts is you already did explain kind of what this is and and the why about it, why it's so effective. You even helped us understand kind of how you came about it, especially in some of your um post-licensing training. Let's just give that final push to number three. So, why should the listener, why should the parent consider trying this out as a non-negotiable? Just give us the summary of some of the take-home hits for that.
SPEAKER_01The summary I would give is this is a win-win activity, fun for child, fun for parent. It's gonna promote positive connection and it's gonna really hit on those drivers of child behavior. It's gonna give them autonomy, give them positive attention.
SPEAKER_00There you go. Well, Sarah I love it. But I can't thank you enough for being here today and look forward to having you back soon with maybe another topic.
SPEAKER_01Great. Thanks so much.
SPEAKER_00As always, thank you for tuning in to this week's episode. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to follow the podcast so you never miss an episode. We appreciate you being part of the Summit Emotional Health community, and we'll see you next time.