In Session with Singer/Composer/Arranger Julian Fleisher

Julian Fleisher is the only man I have ever successfully completed couples therapy with. Yes, friendship couples therapy. It's a thing. It works.

Julian is a singer, composer, bandleader, actor, writer, and radio host who has been performing at Joe's Pub for 25 years, hosted The Naked American Songbook on WNYC, authored The Drag Queens of New York (now celebrating its 30th anniversary with a NYC gallery exhibition), and opened a beloved coffee shop in the Catskills in the middle of a pandemic — with no prior coffee shop experience and an IKEA countertop.

Julian has two upcoming shows: Joe's Pub on May 14th (with a 10-piece band and special guest Ira Glass) and an intimate night at the West Kortright Centre in the Catskills. Go see him perform live!

Follow Julian on Instagram
Learn more about him on his website
See him perform at Joe's Pub, May 14th at 7pm 

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Lies My Vagina Told Me is hosted by Brigitte Bako. Produced by Jacques Thelemaque and Leah Sherman. Theme music by Jack Morer at balletguitar.com

Thanks for listening! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

And welcome back to another episode of Lies My Vagina Told Me, the podcast where my vagina has introduced me to so many fascinating men, but very few who could conjugate a verb, sing cold porter, and pack a room like it was their last night on earth. My next guest is the wildly talented Julian Fleischer. Singer, songwriter, fan leader, producer, actor, writer, radio host, podcaster, and a reminder that brilliance can also be deeply, deeply entertaining. He's performed everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, from Lincoln Center to Joe's Pub, collaborated with icons from Molly Ringwald to Ira Glass to Anna Gas Dyer. He's composed for Broadway, started a claim theater, hosted the Naked American songbook on WNYC, and somehow still found time to build a coffee empire and be one of the greatest live performers working today. To me, he's a true original. Equal parts Sammy Davis Jr., no coward, sprinkled with a little ethyl merman if you've had a martini or two. He's also the author of the drag queens of New York, which just celebrated its 30th anniversary with an exhibition at the Howells Art Gallery in New York City. Further proof that his cultural fingerprints are basically everywhere. But perhaps most importantly, he is my dear friend. And he is the only man I have ever successfully completed couples therapy with. Which, ladies and gentlemen, so so so much. Please welcome the brilliant, the debonair, the gloriously hard to categorize Julian Fleischer.

SPEAKER_03 1:51

Yay, wow. That was crazy.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Well, welcome to my show, Julian Fleischer. I have really only you to blame. Because you told me when I was thinking about doing this little podcast idea, you said just do it. Do it. Why don't you do it?

SPEAKER_03 2:09

And now I'm stuck. And now you're all stuck in this little box. Yeah. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

You were stuck in a little box with me for a little while. Uh, Julian, for those uh people that don't yet know what a fucking superstar you are, how the hell did all this happen? I don't even think I know how all this happened. How did you become Julian fucking fleisher?

SPEAKER_03 2:30

I mean, now that you asked the question, I haven't the faintest idea. I I really don't. I think the problem is I I'm uh I get bored easily. Yeah. Um I'm afraid of success. And so as as soon as I hit like, you know, mid-level success at something, I'd pivot to the next thing. Just in case I'm about to make it big, I'd just like to get out of there quick so I'm sure not to make any money.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Twinning, I mean career going really well, let's leave it. Writing career going really well, let's leave it. I think I'm gonna go into home decor after this. I'm not really sure. But you come, I mean, it's in your blood, babe. You come from uh a pretty incredible musical family, a musical father. You are the such great Leon Fleischer.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

Yes. But I mean, you can't compare my father and me. You know, that would be like if I were like an accountant and my father were Einstein, you know. We both use numbers, but it's different. Like I can't even play the piano. I think can you see my piano back in my little keyboard? Like I can't say chopsticks, plus I'm comfortable in the world of music, but I don't know what any of it means.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

But what you do in the world of music is it that's the whole point, Julian, is that you don't do what anybody else does.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

And obviously, no, nobody else should do what I do if they were smart.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Just the way I I've been lucky enough to see many, many, many live shows at Joe's pub, upstate, everywhere. What you do and how you command an audience. Well I I joke that I pepper in Ethel Merman only because you're so fucking funny. And you have a way to break our hearts and make us laugh all at the fucking same time. Right? Poundy poundy. When was your first fucking live show? I mean, I know you went to Yale and you're a fancy pants boy, but like when was your first why did the Yale thing get to people so much?

SPEAKER_03 4:31

My God. I'd never even talk about it. And people just always bring it up.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Because I burnt my dorm down at Columbia and I'm uneducated.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

All right, but I mean I would gladly switch with you if that were were were really true. You went to Columbia?

SPEAKER_01 4:48

For five and a half seconds. I st I I started the fire of John J. Hall in 1986. Wasn't my fault. I mean it was, but I left like a curling iron in or something and a burnt a bed. I got asked to leave, and I am seriously uneducated. But people know that not being educated is what started my whole career. So I'm very happy about that.

SPEAKER_03 5:08

Um My mom wouldn't let me apply to college in New York City. I was from Baltimore, grew up in the in the main streets of Baltimore, like downtown. And I mean, the the thought that somehow New York would be less safe than Baltimore was is hilarious. But in fact, I think she was right because if I had come here right out of high school, I'd be dead.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

You are you are the second person that said that to me on this podcast. Miss Guy, who's also on this podcast because of you, as so many of my fabulous guests, Bianca Lee from O'Marry, so many people came because of you. He said the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

Had he come to the I make a lot of people come if I can.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

But um bum. He said to me, had he come earlier to you not to uh to New York because he was from LA or from California, he would have been dead. I came in '86. It was gnarly. People were chopping up their girlfriends and feeding them to the homeless, and there was but I was so stupidly virginal and Canadian, and um it just didn't affect me. Like all the murderers just and rapists just seem to slide by.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

Oh, yeah. I think that what Miss Guy and I are talking about is different. We're not talking about being chopped up by our boyfriends. We're talking about getting AIDS and dying.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

You're absolutely correct.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

That's what not to cast a pall over these delightful and cheerful proceedings, but I mean, this is lies my vagina told me. And uh my mother's vagina told her, don't let your kid go to New York in the late 80s and early 90s, because I think it was clear that I would just I would end up probably getting in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

She was a wise woman. My crazy things Slovakian parents were like, go, go to New York, buy yourself, be on Broadway, make a movie, be famous, do Playboy, have fun.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Well, I mean, there you are now sitting in a glorious casita overlooking Laurel Canyon. Um, your your looks have held up incredibly. It's bizarre, it's bizarre. Because I know you haven't had work. I happen to know that you haven't.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

I have a ring light, and then I have a ring light, and I could do this the whole fucking podcast, but I don't think it's right.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Well, you are touching your hair a lot.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Well, I just got it, I got a birthday cut, and it's quite nice. And I thought it's alone.

SPEAKER_03 7:28

But if you keep touching it, you know, it's it's not gonna hang on. Stop touching it.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Julian always tells me what to do, and he's usually right, so I should just sort of give it up and listen to this man. Now, Mr. Julian, I have been uh sequestered in the Laurel Canyon this winter because it is the law of Canadians to not be in freezing New York in winter. And uh you have been preparing for so many upcoming performances. You've got two fucking shows happening like back to back. What are these shows?

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Well, um my uh Joe's pub here in New York at the public theater is sort of my at my my ancestral home. I've been playing there since it opened 25 years ago or something. So I play there, you know, four or five times a year.

SPEAKER_04 8:16

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

Um and this will be my spring show coming up called Song Love Songs for the End of the World. Which perfect in all honesty was chosen for me by ChatGPT. And now I feel like it's like the first time I use that fucking thing. I was like, I just wonder what this is like, you know. And I asked it to tell me about an artist. I said, tell me about this guy Julian Fleischer. And it was like, oh, all this stuff about me. I was like, oh shit, I forgot about that. Oh yeah, I did that too.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Oh yeah, I did I did the same thing for you. I'm like, tell me about this guy Julian Fleischer, because he's my neighbor and my buddy. But then, you know, because I don't like to be all that informed, especially about people I love deeply, because then you fucking start to go, holy shit, he's such a fucking badass rock star. Like he's done so much. It's it's almost you can't I don't know how my editor is gonna shove all that intro into one thing of what you do.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

Like non-redited a call me, I'll tell her how.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Him.

SPEAKER_03 9:17

Um definitely tell him a call in there.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

This is my ex-husband, you know. I put them all to work. Okay, so you have two shows coming up.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Uh right. One is at Joe's pub, and the next show is upstate. Are they the same show or will they be different?

SPEAKER_03 9:30

They will be different shows. Uh, and there's a reason for that. At Joe's Pub, I'll be bringing my entire rather big band, which is uh Ten Pieces. It's big and loud and brassy, and it's a certain vibe. And also um my special guest will be Ira Glass, uh, who's also from Baltimore. Our mothers were friends growing up.

SPEAKER_04 9:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 9:53

I remember many, many, many years ago, my mother saying something about uh uh her friend's son's like gonna have a show on the radio. And I was like, oh, good luck with that. You know. Now it's like, you know, it's he's like the babe Ruth of public radio. It's uh, I mean, this American life is is iconic. And uh and we're we become friendly, which is great. He's a super nice guy. So that's one show I'm gonna try to figure out how to make a set list that's that reflects the title that Chat JPT gave me. That's like the challenge. And then the one I'm the one I'm gonna do upstate is just a couple nights later at a place called the West Courtright Center, which is uh I don't know if anybody on your podcast is gonna know anything about upstate New York, but it is in the Catskills, the Western Catskills near Oneyanza, in the middle, literally of in the middle of a uh a meadow. In the middle of nowhere, it looks like Brigadoon.

SPEAKER_04 10:54

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

And that show is just gonna be more like me singing songs with a small group and talking, I think, a lot about my time upstate, which includes uh opening this coffee shop.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

It's p fantastic. Yes, Stanford fucking coffee. So while we were all like cowering in our homes and not doing anything and eating and drinking far too much alcohol and being freaked out in a pandemic, this man decides, uh, first of all, he already he's already the most brilliant man that moved up to the Catskills way before anybody did, and owns, I don't know how many acres and a mule, but so many. And he's created this unbelievable, unbelievable place uh where he has concerts, where he does so many events. And then he just decides hey, I'm gonna buy this fucking building and I'm gonna start this coffee company, and it's the craziest, most successful, almost killed you and all of us because it was stressful.

unknown 11:51

Business.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

And some of my employees who I've never come closer to physically harming another person than I came to choking the life out of this this guy Vince who works there, who you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

Yeah, who knew that fucking coffee and dairy was so fucking dangerous?

SPEAKER_03 12:08

It's it's really it's as always, it's people. It's people who are the problem. Um it's if it weren't for other people, everything would be fine.

SPEAKER_04 12:18

Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

And soon apparently that won't be a problem because all of our jobs are going to be replaced anyway, so we won't have to worry about dealing with other people.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Any fucking second now. Any fucking second. So you make this crazy successful thing in the middle of this town that when I was there felt like a ghost town. It brought the whole town of Stanford back to life. And then at its height, Daddy just goes selling and moving on, going back to my artistry in perfect timing of pandemica and end of pandemica and back on stage. You didn't skip a fucking beat.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

So what's the question?

SPEAKER_01 12:55

There's no question. How'd you do it? Why'd you do it? How'd you get the idea to do it? Oh how did you even come up with this idea?

SPEAKER_03 13:04

I can tell you the answer to that.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

That's great.

SPEAKER_03 13:07

Um when the pandemic hit, I remember on March 9th of 9 uh of 2020, right?

unknown 13:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 13:18

Yeah, because it was COVID-19, right? So March 9th, I was here at this dusk and I read online that that asymptomatic people were gonna pass on the virus to other people. And I was like, okay, that's it, I'm out. I grabbed my my dog and my guitar and my little espresso machine, and I got in the car and I moved to my little cabin upstate. And you're right, I I uh I've amassed some land over the years, but the house is very small, it's a little A-frame, we've driven up there in a truck. Anyway, so you know, like everybody, all my jobs went away. Like I had no gigs, like everything was canceled.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

And as you may recall, my father um got got sick. He I mean, he got cancer, and uh when summer turned to autumn, he passed away in August of that year. And so I took my little inheritance that that my mother made sure that he left me because if she hadn't he wouldn't. Um and I went I there was a crumbling little building in a neighboring town, and I was like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna secure my future by investing all the money that I have in a building that will have tenants in it. It was like a tiny little like crumbling building in this very sad little town of Stanford. And I was like, at least I'll have income from tenants for the rest of my life because I don't know how I'm ever gonna make a living.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

Well, we thought you were fucking nuts because we went to see this crumbling building with you, and we just didn't have the vision that you had, because I was like, what the fuck is he doing? And then you turned that crumbling building into the center of the entire town. The coffee shop became honestly the cultural center of that town, and you brought music and you brought live performance. And to this day, even though you've sold it, you're still sort of a grand poo-bot for it. And it's kind of amazing what you accomplished. Like, ladies and gentlemen, this man can take things out of nothing. Nothing.

SPEAKER_03 15:21

Yeah, I mean, it was also not my intention to open a coffee shop. You may remember it. There were just these two old storefronts in this building with the four apartments around them. And I was like, I'll just clean these up and rent them out, and I'll just be a landlord. And then as I was cleaning up the larger room, you know, we took out the seal, the drop ceiling and all the, oh my god, so much lattice. Remember all the lattice? It was like lattice prey, man. There was so much lattice everywhere. They covered half the windows with lattice. Um, anyway, so once we opened up the room and made it beautiful, put down a decent floor and opened up the windows, I was like, oh, this would make a great coffee shop. And you know what? Looking around the town, there's really no other no place like it. And it's right on Main Street, so we built a deck outside. And I waited for someone to show up and be like, yeah, I'll make it into a coffee shop. But instead, they wanted to turn it into like a dog grooming service or a candle shop or a yoga studio.

SPEAKER_04 16:19

And I was like, dudes, we need coffee.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

The town needs coffee, and you'll never make your rent selling candles here. There's no nobody stops here.

SPEAKER_04 16:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:28

You know, so I thought, you know what? I'm just gonna do it myself. And here's the thing, and I want your listeners to understand, I had no idea what I was doing. I really didn't, and I mean that. It's not just something I'm saying. I had no idea what I was doing. And if I had, I wouldn't have done it. Because it was oof. I mean, it was just brutally, brutally, brutally, brutally, brutally, brutally hard. It was a huge risk. I didn't know whether it would work, I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if Stanford was the town that would that needed this. I I don't know. I just did it. And it's because I have a restless kind of creative spirit and I need to be making something, or I used to, not anymore. But anyway, that's what happened. So I just I didn't know a thing about coffee shops.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Okay, but this is this is a little theme. First of all, I I must have gone to your school or studied at your altar because I also did this not knowing what I'm doing, never having done it, never really having listened to them. I wasn't a podcast person at all. And here we are doing so well, and I don't know why, because I still don't know what I'm doing. But you do this. You say, uh, I'm doing this, but it's nothing, and I don't know what I'm doing. You're putting together this little art exhibition for this book you put together 30 years ago, and it's little and it's nothing, and it's not gonna do anything. And why are you doing it? Oh my god, it's exhausting. I should be on stage, I should be on Broadway. I should and then lo and behold, again, another giant fucking success. The 30th anniversary of the Dry Queens of New York, which is a book that you wrote, put together, curated, you had the wherewithal to think this could be an exhibition.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

I came prepared.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

You really did, you did your homework, you knew. You put together this exhibition that just became the talk of New York City. Everybody went, it was amazing, everybody wants this book back in publication, and this is leading to I'm I'd rather die. Okay. Everyone says, Are you gonna turn this podcast into a TV show? I'm like, I am doing it to avoid TV shows. Excuse me. But I mean, what came out of that? You didn't expect it. You were like, This is I don't know what I'm doing. Again, the theme, I don't know what I'm doing, but you do it so brilliantly.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

Well, I mean, uh I don't know what I'm doing. Like when I wrote the book 30 years ago, it was a side hustle. Like I was trying to pursue a career as a singer. I mean, maybe the moral of the story is that I spent 30 years pursuing a uh career as a singer, which I've never really achieved, at least not on a national level. But I've done all these other things in trying to support that career and pay for that career, all these side hustles that have actually done very well. So maybe I should listen to what the universe is saying, which is like, you know what, Julian? You're just a fine singer. So perhaps you should, you know, keep doing other things and not knowing what you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

You're a one-of-a-kind singer, you're a brilliant performer, but you're just also brilliant at everything else, which is because you went to Yale and I didn't finish my education. This is what I think it is. And I really do want you to buy property with me in another country because everything you touch turns to gold.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

I'm gonna say this on this podcast for all of the world to hear. I'm not buying any more property.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

But um bum.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

Okay. I'm not. I don't want to do anything. I'm I'm I've had enough trouble mowing the lawn that I've got.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

I just want a commune with all my brilliant, brilliant friends.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Well, you can come stay with me.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

No, but I want it in Italy.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

Right, okay. Well, go get one. I'll visit you.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

You'll visit me, I'll visit you. Uh okay, let's talk about this. So, Julian.

SPEAKER_04 20:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

We are friends. I am, I mean, I like to identify as a gay man, but you tell me I am not. I am a straight woman, you are a gay man, and you and I ha we're very passionate people, and we had a little hiccup, and it was your idea that we should go and do a fucking couples therapy session together, a friendship therapy session. I'd never heard of that. And I was like, what? How does that work? Because I'd done them very unsuccessfully with boyfriends in the past. So I was really skeptical. You found someone brilliant guy out of New York City, and we only didn't No, Kelly found that person. Our friend Kelly found this person out of New York City. We have to thank her for it. And we only did two sessions.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

Well, he was good.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

He was good, but we were both like I I I I don't know. I was more open to it with a friend than I am with my lovers.

unknown 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

I don't get time for them. Um, I thought it was really fascinating. I wonder if more look, maybe you started a whole new thing. Maybe you started a whole new business, therapy for friends. Because really they're the most important relationships in our lives, in my opinion. If a girlfriend breaks your heart, it is ten times more devastating than if a boy breaks your heart for a woman. Because our friends are they're our sisters, they're our family. And it was so important to me because it didn't have all the other things, you know, around that complicate a relationship. It was just like we're gonna fucking do this. So yeah, we we had very successful therapy. Would you learn how to therapy with me? That's all my fault. What'd you learn?

SPEAKER_03 21:59

Yes. It's all your fault.

unknown 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:01

No, I think I learned that it's all your mother's fault.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

And fathers and probably sisters.

SPEAKER_03 22:09

I mean, whoever that was. We don't even know who your father was.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

So how was the therapy experience for you?

SPEAKER_03 22:16

I found the therapy experience that we did um a real revelation for us as friends and for me as a person. And in our case, I think he was really good at hearing the subtext underneath what we were saying to each other. The music of our conversation was very audible to him. And so he was able to, you know, I think head us off at some dangerous passes and reinterpret what we were saying and reading our tone. And it was great because I think I I realized what a, you know, how I can come off and I'm not proud of it. And it's something I have to work on. And you, I think, had a really important breakthrough about something from your past and how these things were you know, we're s how we were like triggering each other wildly, and now we don't have to worry about that so much. And we even have a safe word that we can use. Do you do you remember it?

SPEAKER_00 23:13

A muzzle ball soup.

unknown 23:15

Oh sh.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

You want me to cut it out? I'll cut it out. But two juices.

SPEAKER_04 23:20

No, you should do it. That's funny.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

That's better than a muzzle ball soup. There's nothing more healing. Okay, let's talk about this for one second. One second, my love. And I don't know. I don't know if you've seen it. I have now gone to Michael Jackson's movie twice. I might see it weekly. And I can't remember because you've met so many fucking famous people. You have so many crazy stories. You met Barbara Streisand, you fucking hung out with Diana Ross. Did you ever meet the man that I was supposed to that my vagina told me I was gonna marry? Did you ever meet Michael Jackson?

SPEAKER_03 23:53

I mean, if that really is the person your vagina told me you told you you were gonna marry, then there really is something wrong with your vagina.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Well we're only in the second season of this show. We're gonna figure that out.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

Uh but yeah, you want the answer to that question? You're not gonna like it.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

You did, right?

SPEAKER_03 24:13

I met him in Barbastri's hands dressing room.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Hate you. I hate you. What era of Michael? What era? What year?

SPEAKER_03 24:26

Um Well, it must have been 1997, I guess, because I think that's when Barbara did her concert in her big comeback concert in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand. Is that when that was? It was her this is what happened. I'll try to be brief.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Uh as you know, I'm very, very close friends with a woman named Polly Siegel who lives near you in Los Angeles. Yes. Um, she and I met after we both she went to Brown. I went to Yale, we met in New York, we were introduced, and we became instant best friends. Super talented, super funny, incredible singer, songwriter, comedian. Anyway, her father was the actor George Siegel. Um who had done the Alan of Pissycat with Streisand.

SPEAKER_04 25:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:13

And she and I shared this really like intense love of Streisand. And when she announced that she was gonna have this concert, we were like we went nuts. Like we're like, what do we do? And you know, she I was never I never called in favors of my dad, she never called in favors of her dad, but we were like, this is the time. This is the time. Get on the phone. So she called her dad and said, We need tickets. And so he called Barbara, and she got us two tickets to her comeback concert at the MGM brand that they turned out to be Elliot Gould's tickets. And we knew this because we were in the last row of the last baconate on the other side of Las Vegas. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:06

Oh, yeah, before that.

SPEAKER_03 26:08

Yeah, because we could not have been further from the stage. And then Elliot got his seat from their kid, Jason Gould, because Barbara and Elliot have a son, Jason. Um, who's a very sweet guy and also a singer and a searcher, uh, whom I had met separately under other auspices briefly in a thing that never really worked out. But at any rate, um so Elliot came and found us after the concert, and the four of us, me and Polly, Elliot and Jason, were led by the Israeli Secret Service through like a secret door in the back of the casino, through like a maze of hallways and blessed lights. It was something like in a Kubrick movie. And then the last minute they opened this door, and like Willie Wonka, we walked in, and there we were in Barbara Streisand's dressing room after her comeback concert, and everybody was there. Everybody, everybody, including Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones. He was there with Quincy, and I remember oh when was the scream video? Such a good video with his sister, you know?

SPEAKER_01 27:21

I don't know what year, but somewhere around there.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

It was it was before that concert because I remember thinking that he looked like an alien, like because if his nose is so missing and his skin is kind of gray, he's got these big almond eyes and these two puncture holes in his face and the gray skin. And I was like, oh, that's why he did the screen video, because he's not trying to pass for black or white, he's trying to pass as an alien. Like he doesn't look human.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

He wasn't he isn't human. He he's so have you seen the movie? No, and uh and with love, I'm not gonna Okay, I don't I'm I will cut this part out because fucking run, it's so great, and it's from when he was black and beautiful in my era, my off-the-wall, I mean off-the-wall era and before. But yeah, my Michael Jackson story is not that good. I, you know, I famously was invited to a Grammy party in 1987, I guess the bad year, 88 or 87, and I was brought down the hall to Quincy Jones, and I'm like, this is it. He's my fucking future father-in-law. I am gonna marry Michael Jackson, and no, lo and behold, Quincy told me that Michael went home with the runs. He had stomach flu. So that is the only reason I never met, married, and deflowered myself with Michael Jackson. So your story's your life to the end, your life, your life.

SPEAKER_03 28:46

Yeah, I mean, we I definitely deflowered Michael Jackson that night.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

I mean how fucking we'd have to go back to therapy if that was true. Because I don't know how I could handle that. The jealousy would be crazy.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

Uh it was not, it was actually also all things considered, it was not that pleasant an experience for her and me. The whole thing was so tense. We knew we weren't supposed to be there. Everybody had like these super important lanyards, we didn't have them. Elliot just decided to bring us. And it was like, it was weird. Chrysan was like looking at us like you were these two people. And she had just delivered, you know, the performance of the century. And oh my god, I there's so many more things that happen in that room, but I'm not gonna bother your audience.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Well, you think the rest of your incredible life and career, you didn't know what the fuck you were doing, and somehow. So listen, I I've become a disciple of this mantra, just do, because it's all in the doing. But ladies and gentlemen, when he says that he doesn't really know what he's doing, he's such a fucking expert. Uh, he is so great at No, here's what I am good at doing.

SPEAKER_03 29:52

I'm good at I'm trying to think of the line from Joni Mitchell's song, I'm a woman of heart and mine. Um she sings you imitate the best and the rest you memorize. You know, the times you impress me the most are the times when you don't try. And I'm really good at imitating. So it's like when I started singing, I was like, okay, so Allah Fitzgerald goes like this. So I'm gonna go like that. And then, you know, like my whole life has been a series of like like impersonations. It's not like I know what I'm doing. I just watch the best people do that, and then I imitate them.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

What did my what did my Michael do? That's what he did. That's what the greats do. They watch, they learn, they listen, they imitate the best, and then they make it even better, which is what I think you do, my friend, because you take it to another level. And your upcoming show is one day before my 59th birthday on May 14th. The first show is at Joe's Pub. What time is the show?

SPEAKER_03 30:55

Let me consult my cards.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

Yes, do that. Two for two, baby. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 31:02

Uh Joe's Pub, Thursday, May 14th at 7 p.m. Here's the little the QR code.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

I love it.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Here are my press quotes.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

I'm gonna be there May 14th. I'm gonna put up where you can get your tickets if you're in New York. And let's take it away. Uh, Julian Fleischer, oh brilliant one. What do you got for us?

SPEAKER_03 31:22

Since the show is called Lies My Vagina Told Me, I thought I would sing a song I wrote about some lies that my dick has told me.

SPEAKER_05 31:31

Woo!

SPEAKER_02 31:38

Maybe you're a married man, but we're doing what we can. Every little one. That's a perfect living room. Gets to feel it like a tomb, gets to confake you smile. And I don't wanna be on one little. Don't wanna be on another one. You don't wanna wanna how I feel. We only wanna have some fun. I mean what side piece, side piece, everybody. You know I've been there for you, and your baby don't come to side piece, side piece, not a purchase, just a lease. Every other Friday night after you just have a fight, side piece. I don't care. The side piece is gonna be there. Maybe you done made a choice. Chose the hunter, not the royce. Slow and steady wins the race. That's alright, that's okay. I'ma fuck you anyway. 7:30 at my place. And I don't wanna be all wanna be on. I don't wanna wanna have a feeling. Sad piece everybody needs my death. Your baby don't want to sad piece, sad piece. Not your daughter, just your feet. Your side piece is gonna be there.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

Woo! Ladies and gentlemen, run and go see this man's show. If you can, get tickets for Joe's pub Thursday, May 14th. You can wish me an early happy birthday. And let's go celebrate this brilliant fucking man on stage. He will blow you away. He will make you happy. You will leave singing. And I just don't know how lucky I am that we are friends, and I'm grateful to our therapist that we remain friends.

SPEAKER_03 33:39

This is the greatest podcast in the world. I'm so delighted that you have me on it. I hope that I was amusing. I felt like I took myself very seriously today, which is not what I wanted to do, but you know, that's life.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

I love you. I'll see you soon. I'm lucky. I'll see you very soon.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

Live my vagina told me. It's hosted by Moore with the Balker, produced by Dr. Mark at Leus Jonah. Artwork by Laius Jonah. And original music at DocMore at DalekGitar.com. See you next time on Lives My Vagina Talk.