Episode 37 While Fred Is Away

This week we have a special guest! Mrs. Cole joins R.J. for this week's show! They start things off like usual. They go over their weeks and how things went. R.J. lets the audience know that we need to vote in our Primaries! June the 2nd is the date for Iowa! Don't vote for Feenstra! R.J. and Nancy jump right into our main topic of marriage and divorce. They start off with some fun and dive into more serious things. Lastly they cover the wildcard. It's a fun one! 

Resources:

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/holidays-for-weddings-ranked

https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/

Don't forget, This Is The Day to STAND.

R.J. and Fred both thank you for listening!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Hello and welcome to This Is The Day Show. I'm your host, RJ Cole.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

And I'm Nancy Cole.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Our special guest this week is my wonderful wife. Ready to get down to business?

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Let's do it. Alright. So thank you for tuning in to another episode. Our show is also on video. You can find our videos on Rumble and on YouTube. Our podcast can be found on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and also on iHeartRadio. If you like our show, we would ask that you subscribe, follow, and also write us a wonderful five-star review. We do have a few ways for you to interact with us. You can email our show at this isthedayshow at gmail.com. We can also be found on X at ThisIsthe Day Show without the W and on Facebook by searching for This Is The Day Show. Our podcast providers have given us some new features. If you'd like, you can text our show. Select the episode that you're about to listen to. Look on the top left of the episode, and it will say send us fan mail. Click on that link to send us a message, and now you can also send us a voicemail. We also reply to your messages. Feel free to send any questions, feedback, or interest that you may have for us. Thank you for the continued promotion and support for our show. And here we go. So as we always start off stuff, I will ask Fred or you.

SPEAKER_04 1:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

What's uh what's a good summary of your week? How did your week go?

SPEAKER_04 1:57

I had a good week. It was busy. Um, I actually wrote everything down so I wouldn't forget. So we'll just start off with Monday. Monday, um, we went on a run, which I started doing, and it was brutal, but we got through it. Um we had a lot of family time. Tuesday took tickets to the park, ran in again. It was brutal, but I got through it. And you know, it's been like what 85 or something like that. So it's been super hot. Um Wednesday I got my nails done with my girl Larissa.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

So that's what's important.

SPEAKER_04 2:38

Yes, that is a necessity. And I got my nails done. Um, just kind of hung out at the house. Uh Thursday, so it's been yesterday. Her mom spent the night. I got groceries. That was fun.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

And why did she spend the night?

SPEAKER_04 2:57

She spent the night because Papa was out of town and she promised the Amara a sleepover.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

So the girl got a sleepover with grandma.

SPEAKER_04 3:07

Yeah, and she was very, very excited.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

I mean, it was not talking about it for what, a week or two now?

SPEAKER_04 3:13

Yes, and she kept asking me, is it almost time yet? Is she almost here yet? Is she almost here yet? No, no, like it's not gonna be till you know after supper kind of thing when she got there. And she did. It was a little chaotic when she got there, but it was it was a fun time.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

And she had a menu planned um that included like all the fast food chains, there was just vegetables along with chips, and yeah, it sounded disgusting, but she was ready to go.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

Yeah, she was, and so that was a good time. She stayed up a little bit later than I would like her to, but that was fun. Um, and so yeah, and then yesterday, or I'm sorry, earlier today, um, we went to go finish getting our nails done. So that was fun. Got my toes. Um, so I'm ready for the summer. Nana got her nails done, and Ziamara picked her nails too, which she's been really into getting her nails done, and I can't say no to that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Right, and as we've spoken, um whenever she wants to do really girly stuff, we want to encourage it. Good word, yes, yes. So I'm happy she got her nails done, and so did mom.

SPEAKER_04 4:31

And she was really excited, so she got gold and glitter. Of course, yeah, and it matches her hands and her toes. So she's it looks so cute. Um, but now I have to reminder not to be chewing on her nails because you know, then there goes my money, right? Or I should say our money, right? Um, so that was kind of it. And then we just came home, we ran to the store, we saw some friends today, so that was exciting or exciting. Um and I just waited for you to get home.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

It was a busy week.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

It is a busy week. I like to keep myself busy. I'm a stay-at-home mom who doesn't really want to stay at home, so I'm always doing stuff with the kids.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

So that is the joke around the house that uh it will kill her if she has to actually stay at home.

SPEAKER_04 5:19

I am a people person. I don't like to be alone.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

I enjoy you got two little ones, they're all the people you need.

SPEAKER_04 5:26

I know, but I like adult interaction is what I really need and sometimes miss. So I'm thankful I have people that I can go to their house and hang out or you know.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Other stay-at-home moms.

SPEAKER_04 5:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:41

So shout out to those stay-at-home moms. And um, yeah, no, it's it was busy, but it was good, and just you know, I like keeping the household busy, I guess. It was good for me. How was your week?

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Uh my week was pretty good. Um my goodness, I'm trying to think. Um, we had some plans fall through this past weekend. Oh yeah. Um got some good one-on-one family time, uh, two weeks in a row now. So that's been awesome. I am thankful. And um yeah, Monday we had the day. I had the day off of work. We got to hang out Monday, and then the rest of the week's kind of a blur because everything was just thrown off by the time off.

SPEAKER_04 6:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yes. So um, I just know I worked. Um, I don't think it was any more crazy than usual. Everything was fine. Except for me pulling my nerve in my neck. That was the only weird thing this week, I feel like.

SPEAKER_04 6:44

And how did you feel like that happened?

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Um, I so I felt like I slightly pinched it last week sometime, and then when I was doing um chest workouts, which is odd, um, I think I just moved it in the wrong way and then it like did it bad.

SPEAKER_04 7:02

Did you know at that moment like ooh, something's wrong?

SPEAKER_00 7:05

I knew that I did something, but I was just like, I'm not stopping, I'm gonna finish.

SPEAKER_04 7:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Because at that point it's not gonna matter either way. Um so luckily you helped fix that a little bit. Oh, good. Yes, um, I can move my neck now, so that's awesome. Um, had that, and then um had my little volunteer thing that I do before the show, and uh that went well. And uh yeah. So pretty good week overall.

SPEAKER_04 7:39

Oh yeah. And you enjoyed your cheesecake that Ziamara and I made.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

I did, I did. Nothing nothing is better than cheesecake.

SPEAKER_04 7:49

Yes, it was an Oreo cheesecake, and I saw the recipe on TikTok, and I didn't know if it was gonna be like a flop or not. And I guess it turned out okay. So that's good.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Which is surprised me because she usually makes individual cheesecakes in a muffin pan, tin, whatever. Yeah, and those are just really bomb every time, and so it really threw me off that you made a big one. Yes, yeah, yeah. So, but no, it was good. Um, so first action I want to bring up really quick is our primaries. We we talked about this last week. We have primaries coming up on June the 2nd here in Iowa. So I'm just reminding you guys to get out to vote as a citizen. This is the least you can do, so you should be getting out and voting for your primaries. We had Texas last week. Um, it was nice to see John Cornyn uh not getting to continue his job anymore. Um, I was sad to hear that Chip Roy didn't get the job. Um so and uh yeah, all I can say is if I can give any endorsement whatsoever coming up for Tuesday for any Iowans that are on the fence, I of course would have said Adam Steen, vote that way, that's my guy. But if anything else, please do not vote in Feinstra. That's all I gotta say. So that's it for that.

SPEAKER_04 9:19

Cool.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

You ready to jump onto the main topic?

SPEAKER_04 9:22

Yes, yes, I am ready.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

So the main topic is while Fred's away, we get a play, right?

SPEAKER_03 9:31

Just okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

No, it's uh we're gonna we figured why not talk about marriage? We actually uh both kind of went off to our own thing. We're trying to think of what we should do for a show. Yes, and she talked with one of her friends, and then I just thought about it at work, and then when we talked about it, we agreed on marriage. So um thought that'd be really cool to get my wife's perspective on things. It's usually an all-guy show, so it's not all lady listeners though, so ladies can definitely um get more representative representation and stuff. So um, do you remember when we got married?

SPEAKER_04 10:19

Yes. December 31st, 2016. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

And we never looked back, right?

SPEAKER_04 10:27

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

It'll be 10 years this year.

SPEAKER_04 10:30

Question.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 10:32

Do you remember where we chose our wedding date?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

It was at a food place, wasn't it? Yes. Yeah, so um was it Culver's?

SPEAKER_04 10:43

No, it was Buffalo Wow Wings.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

And Man, that place is awful.

SPEAKER_04 10:49

Yeah, no, it used to be so good, and now it's just yeah, it's bad. But we asked the waitress, because I don't remember if it was your daughters. Somebody had asked, What do you have a it was like on a Sunday we went out to lunch? Yeah, and so they were like, Do you have a date in mind? And we said no. And then you know, you were like, We should really, you know, pick a date or whatever before it gets too late. Um, and so we asked a waitress, I vividly remember this, for a calendar. She handed us like this, I don't know, like she it looked like she found it on the floor. It was just really beat up.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

And so we're like, oh, well, we can, you know, and then we were looking at different dates, so we ended up.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

Which is funny because we probably had our cell phones in front of us that had calendars. Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:40

So just one little there.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

And that ties in very well because um there were three reasons why we wanted to get married when we got married. So the first one would have been um we talked to our pastor and he thought it best that we just have a shorter engagement.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Um should I spell it out? You have two young people, you don't want them to fall into temptation or sin, so don't have a long, drawn-out engagement. We'll leave it at that. Um, secondly, uh, we chose December 31st or New Year's Eve because it's a holiday, so we were trying to get some time off like every year that we don't have to worry about trying to take a day off.

SPEAKER_04 12:23

That was really nice when we both well, when I worked too. So it worked out perfect.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

And then lastly, it's not New Year's Eve that they're celebrating, but they're celebrating us every year. Right. So it's all about us, New Year's Eve. What else could we ask for?

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

So, um so I don't know if you would have guessed this, but for those of you audience who didn't know, in 2025, October was the most popular month for getting married. I wouldn't have chosen that personally. What would you have thought? Would you have thought it October?

SPEAKER_04 13:04

No, I actually would have thought like maybe June or something, like summer.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

It makes sense for October. I feel like because then it's starting to get colder but not too cold. So you guys can have your dress on and then the guys can have their full-out suits and stuff and be okay, and then the bugs would be died down a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 13:28

Yeah, and I also thought, like, venue-wise, right? Like if you want to do it outdoor or you know, whatever people do nowadays. Um, that's kind of my take on that. And you know, people would, you know, kids are out of school, that kind of thing, so maybe they'd be more flexible in taking time off. Like, I don't know, something like that. So I I personally thought like summer, really summer was kind of my thought.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah, I would have thought of June. Um, so then I want to do another fun question. Alright, so I got the list of top five holidays to get married on according to weddingwire.com. So before you saw this list, what would you have thought might have been one and two?

SPEAKER_04 14:19

Um, Christmas number one.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:23

Um I guess do I have to say why I thought that?

SPEAKER_00 14:26

No, you don't have to. If you want to, you can.

SPEAKER_04 14:29

Well, I thought Christmas because everybody would already be in town for the holidays, right? Um, and you know, people would have that day off, that kind of thing. Um, but my second was 4th of July. Because I could see a lot of like really good, you know, pictures or that kind of thing, plus like fireworks. I didn't even think about it. That's kind of my thought off.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

I would not have thought about that. Fireworks would have been because here in Iowa you can shoot fireworks off on New Year's Eve as well, but it's like 30 degrees or below that, so nobody's really shooting off fireworks.

SPEAKER_04 15:06

No, no.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Um, I would have I I originally was thinking Christmas, but then um I was like, it's just gonna be too cold. Like it's crazy that we got married New Year's Eve, so like I was like, it's it's too cold for that. So I was thinking Valentine's Day, even though that's still in the cold part. I was like, everybody's so sappy and lovey, and it's gotta be Valentine's Day. And then secondly, I probably would have picked um yeah, none of those are on my list. Um trying to think of a holiday in the summer.

SPEAKER_04 15:45

In summer?

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Not really 4th of July. I guess Labor Day.

SPEAKER_04 15:49

I'm gonna say what Fred said, uh, we'll stay fair. Probably Labor Day. Yeah. So well, I thought you were gonna say like Thanksgiving or something, like another major holiday.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

No, nobody could fit into their clothes. Yeah, that's right. That would be really eat themselves out of a dress and tucks.

SPEAKER_04 16:11

Yeah, that would be a very sad day, wouldn't it?

SPEAKER_00 16:14

It would be.

SPEAKER_04 16:15

Thank goodness for safety pins, that's all I gotta say. But they probably pop right out, so never mind. Stretchy pants for us if they include that. That's so funny. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

So the five top holidays listed on weddingwire.com are Labor Day, number one. Number two is Columbus Day weekend. Which that's October. So, I mean, it follows the trend, I suppose.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Three is Memorial Day weekend. Fourth is Fourth of July.

SPEAKER_04 16:48

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

And then fifth is Veterans Day weekend. Which I feel like Isn't that in November?

SPEAKER_04 16:54

Yeah, but I feel like that's kind of random that people would.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

It is, but it's the weekend. So if it's set up for Saturday, Sunday, Monday, then yeah, I'd say.

SPEAKER_04 17:06

Okay, yeah, I could see that too.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:10

That was fun.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

That was a good list. So now we're gonna get into the meat of the topic of marriage. So I'm gonna have a list coming from marriage.com. I thought they would be reputable on marriage.

unknown 17:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

And it's gonna give us the top ten reasons for divorce, and we're gonna discuss them one by one, obviously.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

So we hope to give you good advice from both perspectives. Obviously, your perspective and mine. So, first off, what are your top two guesses for reasons why people get divorced?

SPEAKER_04 17:48

I would say finances and infidelity.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

So infidelity.

SPEAKER_04 17:54

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, um, I was gonna go like something simple like that, but then I was like, I'll I'll try to go outside the box a little bit. So um, I'm gonna say like resentment, I think is gonna be one.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

That's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

And then how about not feeling appreciated? I know that kind of can go into resentment, but it's kind of separate too. Okay, so more feelings, I guess. Yeah. So um, but yours, I think, definitely are probably like the top two.

SPEAKER_04 18:23

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

So let's let's start off with number one then. So infidel infidelity or an extramarital affair. Extramarital affairs are the number one reason for divorce and responsible for the 20 to 40 percent breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce. Anger and resentment are common underlying reasons for cheating, along with differences in sexual appetite and lack of emotional intimacy. And uh they they touched on something there that I've heard um my pastor talk about when he's brought up like affairs before, I believe, out of the pulpit. And even when people choose to sleep with somebody else other than their spouse. Right. And I think a lot of times it happens with the guy when it goes this way. Maybe it maybe it's a female way too, but um the guys I think get like resentful or they're not feeling appreciated at home. So then they get that spark from somebody else, even if it's just you look nice today.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

And they continually hear it, and if they're not hearing it from home, that's why they tend to drift that way.

SPEAKER_04 19:39

Yes, and that's why they tend to look for it somewhere else. I know, um I mean I need to say, but I know from like personal experience, obviously, not us just clarifying that, but um someone close to me, um, that did end up happening where the person didn't feel appreciative, or that's what they said anyway. Um, and so I can I can see that and I can see the resentment in it.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

But I feel like you know it's a two-way street kind of thing, like it really is, and it really depends on the circumstances because there's um an old buddy of mine, I don't even talk to him anymore. Um I won't put his name out there, but he was busting his butt working two jobs. Right. Um that way his wife could stay at home with the kids. Probably not the best situation. I think they were still in an apartment. I mean, uh I think his kids were twins, if I'm not mistaken. But he's busting his butt working two jobs. I think it's overnight, and then another one during the day. And um come to find out, his wife had cheated on him, I believe, with one of his friends. And then the messed up part in the legal system is she gets Right. I'm just gonna say the term because this is what I think of it, think of it.

SPEAKER_04 21:10

I know what you're thinking, yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Vaginamony.

SPEAKER_04 21:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Not just alimony, but vagina because you're a woman, you're gonna get alimony no matter what you do.

unknown 21:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Um, so she wrecked that marriage and you had to pay child support and all sorts of stuff. And uh I mean he never talked to me about being resentful or anything like that, but like when I said it depends on situations, like what can you expect out of your man when he's working so hard to try to provide you can't you can't see it from his perspective, you have to be selfish.

SPEAKER_04 21:45

Right. And I feel like and that's which is totally unfair because you know, it's not like you're out doing or that person per se, like it's not like he was out hanging out with his buddies or something like that. He was actually working his butt off to pay the bills while she got to stay home and eat bomb bombs. I'm just joking. But stay home, you know, and um it's just I I can maybe some people feel resentment towards their spouse, you know, for whatever reason. And I'm sure it could be lack of time or lack of, you know, you know, just spending that one-on-one time together. But yeah, that's that's very sad. Yeah. Altogether.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Yeah. So that's number one and definitely the top of the board. Second, trouble with finances. Why is divorce so common due to financial incompatibility? According to divorce statistics, a final straw reason for divorce is a lack of compatibility in the financial arena, which causes almost 41% of divorces. Luckily, this is something I don't think we've ever had an issue with. Money gets tight here and there, but it's not like I've ever had to worry about you blowing money away just because or me blowing money just because like you heard it here first. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

Um yeah no and I you know and I don't feel knock on wood that we've ever had an argument about finances like the whole time that we've been married like you know if if you know me I I love to go out to eat and get me a hamburger. So that's you know if I'm gonna spend money I'm gonna go get a hamburger. So it's not like I'm spending money on Prada bags and right like random stuff like I'm taking my kids to the poor stuff like that. And I feel like we had this conversation this week.

SPEAKER_00 23:58

You'd much rather do it on experiences and stuff yes yes I much rather do that.

SPEAKER_04 24:02

But a note I had on this was um different money values and goals I feel like um maybe at some point in their marriage like I remember when we purchased our first house and we sat down and we um did a whole budget thing. We were like okay but if we buy a house we're not gonna be able to do this and this and this.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

So I feel like we really had to get on that same page even maybe prior we got married I don't and along with that and I'm not throwing shade so don't get this right way.

SPEAKER_04 24:40

Right. When we did buy the house we were thinking we're gonna have two incomes the entire time too because I do remember you because we had that discussion and yes yeah yes um so yeah just like um I feel like a lot of the reasons why they have trouble with finances is because maybe just lifestyle and expectations don't match um you know and you can have certain expectations but that doesn't mean they're always gonna get met and that's fine you know but you just can't like you always say like if you you know you have to live within your means and I know my mother in law always says that too like okay but if you just don't have the money to go do it just don't go do it. Just wait a little bit longer and you know um you have to be on the same page when it comes to finances and be open and communicate about that.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

I think it helped with us we didn't have kids for quite a few years so we were able just to have both of our incomes and just kind of do things and be comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

But then now when we had kids we jumped into the one income so we had to be um we had to be a team it was it's always been our money it's not just been yours or mine separate accounts no it's all everybody's money.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Um so you really have to rely upon each other because if I decide to buy this thing for four grand or buy a new car without speaking to anybody and it's gonna hurt the whole entire family.

SPEAKER_04 26:23

Right. Yeah like I because the money's not there. Right yeah no and and I'm grateful when we first got married um you know I was it like a TJ Maxx card when I used to shop a lot at TJ Maxx before we had kids I think so I hope it's okay I'm sharing the story but I really wanted a TJ Maxx card. Yes you did yes and I remember telling you about because I could get really good deals right and I was always there like every Saturday um again this was before kids and I had a job um and I remember I talked to you about it one day and you're like well you know let's look at let's look at money and because I didn't I never wanted to be that wife you know that did stuff behind your back especially when it came to finances um just because as you know my childhood like we my family struggled a lot with finances so I I never wanted to put that on my kids you know um so I remember talking to you about it and you you weren't like mean or anything you just told me straight up like okay maybe we can or maybe we can't but you're gonna be the one responsible to pay this off like you're not like don't rack yourself in debt or something like that you said.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

But it was because it's not like I was gonna buy anything on that card.

SPEAKER_04 27:47

Right, right. Because they're like that's all on you that kind of thing and now I am grateful that I didn't get it.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

And I think I tell you this like oh I am so grateful you know because anyway um but yeah just kind of be on the same page and just you know if you want some just talk to your spouse about it like hey can I buy you know or and don't don't get mad if you get told no but on the other hand right the other hand guys if you're the one doing the finances don't be that jerk that just buys things without asking or just buying yourself stuff all the time and not getting anything for everybody else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:25

Yeah no and it's not like you do that it's you know we I feel like we're on the same page and you know is it okay like we always check in with each other on that so I'm very grateful that that's not our problem.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

The next one is nah I'm just kidding. Lack of communication is number three poor communication is one of the biggest reasons for 65% of divorces. So I think actually that that's probably gonna tie into a lot of things.

SPEAKER_04 28:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Um especially one and two with the uh infidelity and affairs and then trouble finances um I think a lot of the problems not even just in marriages but just in life in general come because people just don't communicate right we just expect people to know what to do like or how to do something um prime example you get married um you go out you buy house like how many people have taught you like what the loan process is gonna be or even buying process I literally had to tell my wonderful realtor his name is Robert Eisenlauer Bob Eisenlauer well that's his real name isn't it yeah okay I I mean I'm not sure if it's Robert but I called Bob yeah Des Moines I was finest but anyways um I had to ask him to treat me like a kid like explain this lightly to me like I I want you to go through the steps with me because everything else happens like we'll have medical stuff alright we had to go through a whole thing with our children with that we won't we won't do that today we don't have enough time but medical bills like um the explanations of those insurance like none of this stuff gets told to you kind of just get thrown into it and you're expected to swim and not drink right right so yeah uh lack of communication I think is just a big fault for everybody.

SPEAKER_04 30:27

Yeah and when you said that about you know explain it to me like I'm five years old or whatever that kind of reminded me of Michael Scott when he was like now explain it to me.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

Exactly why I said it.

SPEAKER_04 30:37

Yeah yeah that's so funny. Yeah anyway um but also a thing but that I wrote down with this it can also lead to growing apart and I feel I'm sorry I don't know if that's on our list.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

That's okay just go for it.

SPEAKER_04 30:52

But I feel like it it can also be a reason you know lack of communication like you're supposed to always be checking in with your spouse. I feel like that's very important. Like you know I'll call you and I'll say hey I'm just checking in or you'll call me hey I'm just checking in and we talk all the time during the day and then when we're home you know we chat or we like to sit in silence sometimes. Like yes maybe you're the only person I call but um I feel like growing apart is is a big factor into that um lack of communication. Yes because then you just stop talking you stop checking in.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

You just come roommates at that point.

SPEAKER_04 31:38

Right. Yeah and I feel like that's that could be a very hard um like I guess season or part of marriage to get out of because then you kind of have to I don't know maybe start baby steps and learn how to do it all over again. Right like kind of start dating all over again.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:01

Just interesting yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

Number four is constant arguing. I think we're doing really good in this so far. Many find it hard to see other people's point of view which leads to a lot of arguments without ever coming to a resolution. This can ultimately be a cause of divorce for 57.7% of couples I kind of feel like these percentages are off but I digress. I know when we got married I wanted to use the example of my parents I never saw them fight or scream um cuss out each other none of that stuff never saw it once in my life.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

And that was gonna be my goal in my life was not to do that. And thank goodness and thank God we haven't to this point. Disagreements of course that's always gonna happen with two separate people but no we haven't had shouting matches and arguments and putting hands on fist fights or nothing like that and no so I can't offer you advice on that. No and I um I do also remember um maybe I we were driving somewhere when we were uh engaged and I remember you told me some guy wherever you I was it maybe diamond crystal when we got engaged was it diamond crystal maybe it was okay and he said something to you of the effect of like marriage is what you make it was it do you know who that was yes it was a guy I used to work with and he told me to always just treat your marriage like it's you obviously this person you're gonna get married to is your best friend. So always treat marriage like they're your best friend the entire time like it should never change from that.

SPEAKER_04 33:49

Right right um I remember him telling me that sadly he did get divorced oh whoops well I did not share that with you but yes well if there was one good piece of advice he gave you was that because I remember like you know you said we were gonna like make it a priority and like purpose in our hearts to be respectful and not argue or try not to have arguments in front of the kids. I felt like that was very important for me. Yes we'll have disagreements but then you know we make up and we move on because something else that I remember our pastor talking to us about it like is this gonna matter in five years from now? Is this gonna matter 10 years from now? Right um like just talk about it and move on like be a grown-up about it.

SPEAKER_00 34:48

I guess is kind of my and don't don't let your um if you guys have arguments or issues don't let that stuff sit and settle and stay there for a while you should really just take care of it before the day's over. Right like never go to bed mad.

SPEAKER_04 35:04

Right. It's the easy way of saying that like it's okay to and I'd like that you do this um and it's probably a really good example for other people so whoever's listening and if you're mad at your wife take a second you know like take a breather you know you you like to sit and think on things I feel like whereas I I like to solve if there's an issue I like to solve it right away. I do not you know like prime example stories yeah um and I just like are you okay are you okay and you're like I just need a second you know and you need to think about what you say which is very smart you know yes because um I don't know if you know this a lot but I think if I just let my mouth run which I don't even in normal life to no other people I'm always just quiet and stuff but I feel like I could really dig into people and hurt people if I actually said what I was possibly about this like think.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

Yes. You know or if I was gonna say what I was thinking. Yes. So then it's just like that's that's not right. Calm down don't be don't be a retard don't be an idiot and just don't be a Todd chill out and then come back yes. Yes and that's why I like that that you just take a chill pill for a sec, go to the other room or if you need a second whatever and then we can calmly as best as we can take care of the problem and then we're we're fine after that you know then we're best friends again yay and then I'll end it with do you still love me and you'll say yes I do yes yes anyway all right let's jump to number five probably gonna be a very sore subject for a lot of people here in America um in America we're a bunch of fatties so number five is weight gain it may seem odd but weight gain is also one of the leading causes of divorce in some cases a significant amount of weight gain causes the other spouse to become less physically attracted to the other while for others weight gain takes a toll on their self-esteem which trickles into issues with intimacy and can even become a cause of divorce and from my experience we're not going to get too deep with us but from my experience I started out purposing this year to work out and I've consistently been doing it. There's been two reasons first reason is it was the heaviest I have ever been I was turning into a puddin pop or Gogurt tube um just busting at the seams but um it was the heaviest I've ever been so I didn't feel good about myself so therefore um if I'm not feeling good about myself I know others aren't thinking that great about me either. So um I did not like that one bit. And then secondly was um and I said on the resolutions podcast and it's true I want to get stronger. I didn't want to be a weak man um I don't want to be um I mean so many dudes nowadays like I don't even know if they can get off the couch and run a mile. Like if anything was ever going to happen to my family could I do anything about it other than wheeze and pull my back like um so that was the second part of why I decided to um work out and um I'm very happy I chose to go that route this year. I wish I could have started last year until the back fiasco. But um yeah it's been a good positive change for me I will say so guys get off the couch do something with your life if I can get up early with all the stuff that I'm doing you can too.

SPEAKER_04 39:17

Plus it'll make your wife find you more attractive we'll just leave it at that well you know I think you're hot anyway you know I always tell people oh my husband's so hot anyway and oh no um I still find you attractive but I yes you do look great and you looked great then and you look great now.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 39:45

Um anyway that's supposed to be lying on the show but anyways whatever um well you motivated me to work out and I was also doing it for my health because as some of you know I was having some health issues but praise God I've been doing great um and so I just kind of thought maybe if I get myself moving you know and I've been working out since January you don't see it yet but I'll get there you know um so I you know I thought well RJ's working out so I need you're doing it with two toddlers around you and a dog a needy dog yeah Cooper is very needy very needy he's it's like having a baby around but anyways um yes and so you know you motive me to work out and I kind of just wanted to see if I could bounce back to my pre-baby weight like with Shimada I did and I feel like with Ko I did because I was also breastfeeding and that helped a lot a lot because I wasn't working out you know at that point either but um yeah that when I started like oh my goodness it was like I couldn't even do a sit up remember I told you I was like oh I can't do a sit up my back hurts so bad and I I could not lift myself up from the floor like it was just so bad. Hopefully I'm using the right word but everything atrophies like everything just gets settled and it doesn't get used anymore right well and I you know and I had my 2C section so I had to rebuild my core restrengthen my core whatever you call it um and this morning we went on a run together and you know I'm like oh I have to you know in my mind I'm like I have to do this for my kids my husband but also for myself and I felt great like it kicked my butt but I felt great you know during the day and you know anyway I don't um I guess I don't really know of anybody getting divorced because of a week I'm sorry I'm sure that kind of leads into other things like maybe an affair because they don't find their wife or their husband attractive anymore so they probably get their eyes ogling and oggling somewhere else and which you shouldn't do.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

No you really shouldn't get yourself in trouble.

unknown 42:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 42:12

Um but yeah I didn't really have much of a note on that but you did motivate me to start working out and yeah I've been doing it since January. Probably not as consistent as you are but I work out every day this week.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Even on the days that you don't do something tomorrow's a new day and you can start all over again.

SPEAKER_04 42:32

Right my hope is to go on a walk or on a run and yeah so we'll see about that number six you ready?

SPEAKER_00 42:43

Yes unrealistic expectations these expectations can put a lot of strain on other on the other person leaving you feeling down sorry let down and setting your spouse up for failure.

SPEAKER_04 42:57

Faulty expectation setting can become one of the reasons for divorce so making it simple more or less you think marriage is going to be one amazing rainbow unicorn poop and it turns out to be um a zombie trying to eat you like unrealistic expectations right and I feel like yes you can have all these expectations but it's not you know marriage is hard it's not it's not all that like it's not like glitter rainbows and makes me wonder if anybody like how I was talking about how you we get put into these situations we have to figure out the stuff right while we're thrown in the middle of it.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

So maybe these people maybe not all of them but maybe they were never talked to and explained how things would be right. Yeah because I mean you'll always have an expectation of marriage but if you never know that you're gonna have to learn to like go with the change of things

SPEAKER_04 44:00

then right you're gonna be doing the failure I did um uh where did I oh yes I did make a note that you know I'm so grateful that we did have um like premarital counseling yes because it does you know we hit some topics that I wouldn't necessarily want to talk to you about or vice versa maybe and or would have thought oh I should ask him this or stuff like that and I feel like that was very helpful and I still have those papers till this day so I like to look back at them from time to time um and it just kind of helps you to okay like this is the person I'm marrying you know like and of course when you're dating you kind of put on a not kind of either like you know you're so naturally a couple years of marriage I feel like you do too. Yes. Yeah yeah and then you get to absolutely meet the you know person that you and then there's this fine line where you take off the facade and then you become too comfortable and I feel like sometimes being too comfortable is not good either.

SPEAKER_00 45:20

I feel like you should put on a little facade like um the best way to describe this somebody is literally sitting on the carch fout farting in front of you picking their nose like all the time constantly but like you never get any of the classy dress up of the other person and uh which is nice to see vice versa lazy or stuff like that like not wanting to quote unquote what people say like take date your spouse is kind of what you're talking about right like you should always keep dating. And obviously if you're w with the kids the 11 hours that I'm working you know we're not always going to be up for that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_04 46:04

But every once in a while it's nice to see somebody dressed up well yeah yeah and you know I always tell you too like by the time you get home I'm usually in my pajamas because it's so late.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

Yep no fence I don't really want to gather I stay up in your makeup and everything until eight o'clock at night yeah right like I want to go to bed anyway but yes I would be in bed already yes it's how bad of a spouse I am you're good number seven lack of intimacy and we aren't just talking about the physical here all right so we're making your relationship intimate and special is the responsibility of both partners practice little acts of kindness appreciation and enjoy physical intimacy as much as possible to sweeten your relationship right and I feel like this kind of goes back with the whole dating thing like never stop dating your spouse like and you know our pastor says that all the time too like you know he calls his wife his girlfriend which I think is very sweet or his honey or whatever he calls her or something like that right um and I feel like with this something that I try to do and I don't do this all the time but I really try to um from time to time for example ladies like little notes on your lunchbox or something like that or I'll send you a sweet text or I'm like a goofy whatever person in our relationship.

SPEAKER_04 47:40

You know I like to I like to prank you a lot.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

I'll send you messages on Facebook or which we need we need to get an idea going I literally just thought of because whenever you leave me notes in my lunchbox they usually get wet and then it wants to like break down.

SPEAKER_01 47:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

So we should find out something that you can make edible messages so as soon as I can read it I can just eat it and it's gone. It's done.

SPEAKER_04 48:04

Then you don't feel bad for throwing it away or oh you don't feel bad it's I mean I I do eventually yeah but um I can't leave it in there because then the ink it's all over the place the paper wants to shred so that or I've done like sticky notes when you wake up like super early crack a done or something. I don't know if you remember every day well and oh well yeah yeah but the whole sticky notes thing like I'll put one in the bathroom I think I've put one in the shower like in your dresser you know um just stuff like that and I feel like that again goes with never stop dating each other never stop being kind and respectful to each other um I don't feel like I've ever yelled at you which um I don't think so no like you know and it's just be respectful be kind because if you really love that person you would you know you would do everything that you can or would want to to obviously show that to the person um and I you know yeah sorry go ahead and as a guy you know it's not always the easiest for guys to always open up with some things but um your wife I'm sure doesn't ask the world of you so men if you're just like me you know do open up from time to time um give your wife what she needs it's nice yeah or just let her go to uh Lowe's and shop at the flower shop place thing well that's not the intimacy part I know I'm just saying yeah just throwing that out there number eight lack of equality when one partner feels that they take on more responsibility in the marriage it can alter the view of the other person and lead to resentment so my easy answer is just you guys know your rules stay in your roles don't try to take theirs soon you have problems yes and you know s um I have a note like this comes back to lack of communication I feel like that's what I have on my note but you know as a stay-at-home mom too at first especially with Siumara and I'm so grateful for my friend group because you know they've been through it and stuff like that like and I would talk to for example like Miss Sarah Bodida a lot I talk to her about a lot of things and you know she always gives me great advice but I remember like you work two jobs you know and you drove semi and then you worked yeah don't don't say the driving company yeah um and so it was it was hard because you were gone and I was just at home with the kids and I and I did speak to you about that like I had a really hard time you know like here I am raising these kids by myself and and from time to time you know I'll have a hard time but then I have to remember kind of like go back you know and gather my thoughts you know and just kind of collect myself a little bit and um where did I want to go with this sorry um you know it's not like you were going out and doing something fun like you were working and you were providing for us and um I just listened to this really good podcast. I was actually listening to like before you got home um from Ellie Betstecki is that how you pronounce her last name stecky Bstecky Ellie Bethstecky yes thank you yes so it's um it talks about um just like a lot of it talks about a lot of the reasons why people get divorced and then it talks about like godliness and like how God intended um marriages to be um but it's episode uh 1227 so if you want to listen to it you should really listen to it it's a really good episode and I feel like she also talks about like a lot about resentment and how that could affect marriages and stay-at-home moms and stuff like that but anyways I struggled a lot with that and I remember you know I think it was maybe it was Sarah that told me so Sarah correct me if I'm wrong but you did say some or may maybe it was Sarah but she said something about like this is maybe just like a seasoning your life and like this too shall pass like and that's true and um because I was just always alone and I don't like being alone I'm not a like sorry like we said like a stay at home mom kind of thing like I like to be I'm an extrovert is that the word I want to use yeah um and so I kind of just learned to do with that but you know now I'm just like okay you know this is just a season in my life and these are the responsibilities that I have and I just have to make it work and I figured out how to make it work which you know thank God and um anyway I don't know where I was going with that I'm so sorry I lost my train of thought.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

Well um whenever you were talking about um the whole me happen to work two jobs situation um the one part I think that people don't think about is in those situations when things are happening is the view of the other person. So the one thing I don't think you necessarily got to understand like you did eventually because you'd see this happen.

SPEAKER_04 54:13

Right.

SPEAKER_00 54:14

But I was missing my family the entire time and I knew I was missing out on literally everything because I was working and sleeping.

SPEAKER_03 54:20

Right.

SPEAKER_00 54:20

And then you would see me finally break after like a couple months and just cry and sob on the end of my bed because it was literally me working, going to bed not seeing my daughter that I had at the time for like a straight year and then seeing her on the weekends and then um feeling very selfish and guilty because I needed rest.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Right.

SPEAKER_00 54:40

So then sometimes I wouldn't take it but then there's times like I I had no choice I had to take it and then I would just I'd cry over not seeing my family. So like when it comes to this like situations try to put yourself in the other person's shoe.

SPEAKER_04 54:55

Right, right and give them grace because they're probably just doing the best that they can and this two shot pass.

SPEAKER_00 55:07

Not being prepared for marriage I mean I feel like this I had to go with unrealistic expectations a little bit but a surprising proportion of 75% of couples of all ages have blame not being prepared for married life for the demise of their relationship. Divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s lack of preparation sorry is one of the most common reasons for divorce almost half the divorces occur in the first 10 years of marriage especially between the 4th and 8th anniversary so I think this also goes back to unrealistic expectations but also not being prepared um I mean there's just some people you just know aren't emotionally prepared to get married. They just aren't set up financially and um like I feel like you know those type of people like if they did get married it'd be like throwing them in the ocean they're not gonna they're not gonna make it.

SPEAKER_04 56:04

Right. So that's all it takes a lot of uh maturity maybe I did get married really young so but anyway like just yeah and that and that's why I feel like with this I'm grateful for that counseling that marital marital premarital counseling thank you it's a language barrier um that uh that we had because it just like again it just helped a lot and it gave me things to think about and you know anyone who's thinking even about getting married you should really look into that and find yourself pastor and yeah get yourself in church first. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 56:52

Number 10 and the last one is physical and emotional emotional abuse physical or emotional abuse is a sad reality for some couples and contributes to 23.5% of divorces. I've got nothing for you yeah I don't either I mean I know someone who got if it's happening to you just get out um yeah the one story I'll say is somebody came to my grandpa um she had been beaten up by her boyfriend and I think this was an ongoing thing that happened every so often and she finally came to him and he said point blank he said are you ready to do something about it?

SPEAKER_01 57:33

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 57:34

Are you gonna call the cops and she said no and he's like well go ahead and go back and get beat up some more until you're ready to do it. So that's the only advice I got take care of the situation. If you're not gonna take care of it then go get thump some more can't help you.

SPEAKER_04 57:49

Because if it happens once it's gonna happen again more than likely more than likely yes I agree I don't really have anything for that honestly and that was our list of ten.

SPEAKER_00 58:02

Good job out of you thanks you ready to jump into the wild card yes all right let's do it and welcome to this week statement of the wildcard so this week's question was sent in from a listener and you know who you are thank you very much thank you for your submission so the question we have is if you could give a superpower to your children or loved one what would it be and why do you want to go first? I sure can okay so first I would say I would just do this for my children and my first answer would be healing right off the top anything happens to them they could just heal that's the biggest worry for me as their parent is just making sure that they're healthy.

SPEAKER_04 58:51

But then I was like uh let's make it a little more fun so with my daughter it'd be uh letting her communicate to animals she is really taking on the animals and she is loving animals so um I think that would be very fun for her and then my son I mean I don't know he's he's a typical two-year-old boy he loves to play around he loves to do stuff um I guess I'd give him mind control let him go crazy it'd be scary but yeah let him just do what he wants I guess well um no I think those are great um no you know what I'll let him fly because he's just he's a two year old kid and that's what he wants to do he wants to be rambunctious anyways let him fly that would be pretty cool what about you so I I wrote a couple things down but the first one I wrote down I said everything and anything Clark Ken has a joke for that's what he said I don't know okay I love that show anyway but that's that'd be a lot of work for my children I just said my children I didn't really pick any of them specifically like you did. Um I thought that's why I'm the better parent thanks um so uh let us know in the comments below who do you think the better parent is please anyway just joking um I thought photographic memory would be pretty cool to have I wish I could have photographic memory like and I was thinking about the show that we're watching but you could just think things like or yeah out of your brain super quick I thought that would be pretty neat kids would be like super smart um the second thing I guess I wrote two things sorry um time manipulation like pausing and rewinding back yeah see I'm the cooler parent um just too I'd get all my time back with my babies and they'd stay my babies right right like or you can you know pause time you know bottle up the movement no just go back and we'll just relive them over and over and over again. Oh okay and I just thought it'd be cool and they'd be able to like you know relive things or fix mistakes you know they will make mistakes they have probably mistakes um and it would give them extra time to make uh better decisions that's what I remember so that's wisdom time manipulation time travel yeah or is that what you call it manipulation I don't know um but you know if they could have the whole package of Clarkent that would be pretty cool because what does he do?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:53

He laser eyes he flies he runs super fast super strong he can heal can heal I guess I didn't I don't know because the sun the sun keeps him healed oh yeah super hearing oh yes oh I don't know if I'd want to like well I guess I would want to eavesdrop in people's conversation anyway let's be real okay okay yeah maybe um but yes that would that would be cool so I give you a couple of answers there but I like it yeah thanks is there anything else you want to drop on us before we get out of here I think that's it for me sounds good to me well thank you for jumping in the hot seat this week and uh we will have one more week without Fred next week so we'll have to see who the special uh guest is next week I wonder but yes thanks for having me I enjoy it it's a good time it's a one on one time thank you for listening once again to this is the date show don't forget to stay thank you you nailed it ah there we go