Core Values with Adrianne Verheyen

In this episode of Navigate, Tim talks with his daughter Adrianne Verheyen on the topic of core values and transition. As a TCK (third culture kid) who lived much of her growing up years outside of her home country, Adrianne brings unique perspective and valuable insights into common struggles we all face through seasons of change.

Transcript

Timothy Austin: 0:03

Personal and career transition seasons can get really complicated. Welcome to navigate everybody on Tim Austin and this is the podcast designed to take the guesswork out of transition. Whether you have a transition looming in your future, or you're trying to make sense out of a past or current transition season, this show is for you. In each episode, we'll introduce strategies and tools that individuals and teams can use to effectively navigate seasons of change, and navigate, it's all about leveraging the challenges of change for optimal growth. So February has turned out to be a family month here on navigate. And earlier in the month, I got to have my wife Eve, Austin on the show. And today, I am super excited to have my daughter, Adrianne verheyen. On the show with us. Adrian was one year old when we went to Central Asia. And as you can imagine, she has worked through a lot of transitions, doing life with us overseas for 16 years, and then living independently from us as a as a young adult, and now 23 years of age, married and living in Southern California with her own family and career. She is a graduate of Vanguard University and has a successful career in the world of startups, and digital marketing. And she is a wife and the mother of one beautiful grandson, my grandson, his name is valor. So in this conversation, we'll be talking about the importance of clarifying and staying true to personal beliefs and values through transition seasons. Welcome Adrianne to navigate podcast.

Adrianne Verheyen: 2:04

Thank you super excited to be here. And this is my first time doing podcasts on any level. So bear with me.

Timothy Austin: 2:18

Well, I am so glad and so excited to have you on the show. You know, when I started brainstorming about how we could kick this podcast off? Yeah, you just rose to the top of the list. Who else? You know, especially people you've done transition with, for such so many years, doing life together and navigating a lot of transition seasons together. And yeah, so you're at the top of my list. I'm really excited to have you you have you with me today.

Adrianne Verheyen: 2:53

Thanks. I'm excited to be here.

Timothy Austin: 2:55

When we started talking about doing this podcast around the theme of core values, I got really, really excited because I've personally, there's been seasons when I've worked on value clarifying exercises. Even in the season I'm in right now I'm working with the life coach to clarify personal beliefs and values. And I find this as a thing that I continually am drawn to or go back to during transition seasons. Even though it's been almost three years since we made our big transition back from overseas to back to the US. So it's very near and dear to my heart to talk about core values and what we believe in what we're passionate about, and how that helps steer us and guide us through transition seasons. So I'm wondering, I know. Okay, so you have obviously a very unique story, a unique history and set of experiences. So, you know, and so from a big picture perspective, how would you say life overseas, and navigating various transitions? In your growing up years, and to your young adult years? How would you say that life prepared and equipped you in this area of navigating transitions?

Adrianne Verheyen: 4:20

I mean, I would say it's been everything, like most people that know me, if you were to ask them, like three words to describe me, on any level, like the number one word that people would normally say, or at least the theme of what people would say is, Oh, you're so adaptable, and you deal with change really well. And so, you know, that can be a good or bad compliment, I guess. I mean, I've had to look at it in a more positive light, I think. But um, from growing up overseas, like The biggest area in which it taught me to navigate transitions is probably in the area of like relationships. And then adaptability, so. So really, I guess we can start with what transition look like for me like, as a younger kid, I don't think I really understood like that things were changing as quickly as they were. So I was more removed from it, it felt just like normal life. But then I started, as soon as I started realizing, as soon as I started getting older, into middle school in high school, I was really aware of the change that was happening around me. I think, mostly because I myself, like, was going through a lot of change physically, emotionally, mentally. And so I was hyper aware of anything that felt like it was like racking my world, you know, as a teenager, or so sort of like sub self absorbed, in a sense. And unable to really see the big picture often. So I was hyper aware of changes on a constant basis. But I mean, I would say that the abundance of transition is what has prepared me for navigating transition. So if you look at high school, I went to a different school every year in a different town, before years. And then if you look at college, I mean, college in itself is a transition for four years straight, even if you are going to the same school. And then I graduated college, I got married, six months, to six or eight months afterwards, three months after I got married, I got pregnant. Eight months into my pregnancy, I started a new career. And since I've been married, we've moved three times. So it's a theme. But I also think that and I also think that it being a theme has prepared me for different types of transition, because not every transition looks the same. So if anything, I've been able to almost transition ahead of time, and then sort of set my expectations accordingly for what I want that season to look like. Hmm,

Timothy Austin: 7:29

yeah. Okay. So that's that the area of expectations comes in. You, let's go back to the human, you're talking about transitioning as a, as a kid as a teenager. And then, you know, and a lot of the life that you lived overseas was in the context of friendships and other kids appears, your age that were also use to transition, they were what we would call third culture, kids. Kids that have, you know, lived in and transition and to various cultures are not living in their home culture. And then you come back to the States, for example, and you see kids that have like, lived in the same house, all their lives grown up in the same neighborhood, all their lives, gone to the same school all their lives. What were your initial impressions or thoughts about that? And maybe how has that at at that time? How did that happen? What did you think about it? And how has your thinking maybe changed about the contrast between how you, you know, how you grew up how you've lived, in terms of navigating transitions and how a lot of a lot of people haven't?

Adrianne Verheyen: 8:52

Yeah, so I was very shocked when I came to the states and realize that most of my new friends had friends in their lives, to name those and kindergarten or before, and who remained like constant and I'm changing factor in their lives. So even my husband I mean, went to school. The same school until eighth grade and then the same school until 12th grade, which was very normal here. And, and that even in its own right, like shocked me, and our best friend are some of his best friends from kindergarten or before. So that was like, that blew my mind. And I just didn't really understands how someone could be how someone could be around for that long. Yeah, yeah. And I like and my Normal was not so much that it was more of having friends for like a year. And then people move and you reestablish new friendships. And I think because of that pattern over and over again, I held relationships very loosely in my life. And I, I wouldn't let myself feel safe in relationships, I wouldn't really give myself permission to hold on to something too tightly, because I thought it could just be like ripped away. And whether that was physical places, or friendships, or even commitment in my life, holding tightly to things was not something that I ever gave myself permission to do, until probably really recently. Mm hmm.

Timothy Austin: 10:51

Yeah, so that definitely had an influence or an impact the way you the way you saw, you know, life lived out here. The majority of how the majority of people kind of what we would say, quote, unquote, living normal lives, you know, yet, there's a richness to the life you lived. And there's also there's also a degree as some people don't understand this, and only those who really have lived, have moved around a lot or done a lot of transition or have, like, many of our listeners, live and work overseas. There can be, there should be and there can be a degree of consistency and stability, even in a lifestyle, a life calling a life choice like that. Can you tell me what, what were some things that were helpful for you to provide stability and consistency? Even though, you know, as a third culture kid you grew up grew up in, in a context that is constantly evolving and changing?

Adrianne Verheyen: 12:14

Yeah, that's a really good question. Um, I, there's a couple things that come to mind. I think routines, and ritual is sort of one category. And then hobbies, and values and things we spend our time doing is like another category, I guess. They're all routines and rituals, in a way. But I'm a routine and ritual that made my life's constant. And even in times of transition was family dinners. And we always sat down at the table as a family for dinner, pretty much regardless of our schedule, regardless of what we were eating, if it was takeout, we would probably still sit down and eat together as a family. I mean, it was, it was just something that was very normal to us, and something that we do count on every night. And that's one thing that comes to mind. And I think hobbies that I loved, and could really bring with me anywhere into any season of life, are in reading work to that I just vividly remember being like feeling so safe doing growing up. And so I read a lot. And you and mom really facilitated those hobbies, for me in a way, because I think you knew how important they were for me. So you allowed me to take art lessons, you bought art supplies, you created spaces in our home where those hobbies could be like plugged, I remember that in my room, I had like a reading nook. And so I created like, almost this really cozy little corner in my room that I had bookshelves full of all my for that. Yeah. Yeah. And that was a safe place for me, you know, and, and so I think that like, from a parent's perspective now, like, I really want to be able to create those routines and rituals, and really no, like my son and then my future kids and what they love, what feels safe to them, and then create a place where they can engage with those routines and rituals, no matter the season of their life. No matter what type of transition we're going through as a family and following them to like partake in the things that they enjoy. Is that was Constant peace in my life.

Timothy Austin: 15:03

That's good. I love that. And so what I hear you saying is that you can embrace. You can embrace a cross cultural life and overseas life, a life that is somewhat nomadic and changing and still have a degree of consistency and stability over within. You know, like you said, the routines and rhythms.

Adrianne Verheyen: 15:35

Yeah, I what 100% agree with that. It's really about knowing yourself, and then knowing what's important to you, and not being willing to give those things up, even in seasons of transition.

Timothy Austin: 15:50

Okay, that's good. Yeah. So, you know, and that goes, you know, some people would say, core values and personal, you know, personal beliefs and core values are kind of hardwired into us and, and really can't change or don't change. And so why pay attention to them? Let alone make adjustments along the way, while navigating transition, you know, what are your thoughts around that?

Adrianne Verheyen: 16:15

Yeah, well, I think the first thing to go usually in times of transition or change our part, our core values that keep us healthy as individuals, so we're going to change, it's really easy to get rid of our daily routine. Any, like self care, any friendships that just sort of feel like a burden in the moment, it's really easy to to kind of just shed those extra pieces, because we don't feel immediate repercussions from getting them up. But the long term effects of neglecting those core values is really like detrimental to us like as a whole person. So I think it's so easy to just put those aside because then we're like, okay, we can come back to those when we're done with the season of change. But I think we forget who we are and a season have changed so easily. That if we give up things that are really important to us, then that season becomes so much harder than it could have been.

Timothy Austin: 17:32

I you know, I'm thinking about what you just said we forget who we are, and seasons of change. What would you say to to someone maybe another TCK who is maybe struggling with that identity piece that identity issue? They've made a big transition? Maybe they've come back for college back to their home country or boarding school or? Yeah, just that whole identity kind of forgetting where we are Peace out. What would you say? What would be some tips or thoughts you might share? in a conversation with someone like that?

Adrianne Verheyen: 18:17

Yeah, well, I'm I really practical person. So this might feel like this might err on the side of too practical advice. But maybe, but an exercise that I recently did was go through a list of five to 10 people whose opinions of me matter the most to me. So really narrowing it down from what may initially start out to be like 20 or 30 people narrowing it down to five to 10 of the people whose opinions about me, matter the most to me, and then asking them for truth, me like, Hey, can you please tell me like one thing that you know is true about me. And the, the truth that I got from those individuals who know me, love me and care about me, wrote those down on a list. And then I just stuck it on my mirror. And it's something I thought every single morning. So you can find, depending on like, you know how self aware you are, I think there are moments when we can personally remember truths about ourselves. You know, you are capable, you're strong, you are adaptable. You are trustworthy. I think that sometimes we're able to pull those out, but I don't think anything's changed. It's easy to remember truth. It's more easy to remember like why like, you are alone. You are untrustworthy, like fill in the blank like It's so much easier to remember those negative things about ourselves. So having that list of truths that people believe about me was. So that helped me just center on what mattered the most, so that I wouldn't forget who I was right. And then also just being okay with, like, not doing everything. So that's my read into sort of our next topic of the next topic. But like, in season change, I always thought that I had to be just as high caliber as I was in seasons of stability. And I think that I kept disappointing myself, I was like, why can't I live up to my expectations of myself. And so, in narrowing down this truth about who I was, then I realized that I actually needed to also narrow down the things that I was putting my time into, so that my values and my time aligned. And that way, I was able to have realistic expectations of what I was actually capable of during that season of change.

Timothy Austin: 21:20

Yeah, yeah. So I hear you saying a couple things. To kind of ground yourself in seasons of transition, kind of remembering who you are getting input and feedback from other people, important people around you. Just to set that up as a reminder, that, that that's kind of who I am during during this season. It hasn't changed. It may be in flux, and it may look different. And it's a it's a real, those kinds of reminders are a real value to us during transition seasons, when we're potentially tempted to believe other things lies that aren't true about ourselves. And then there's that whole area of of expectations of what we can actually accomplish and do. And I know this has been a big one for me, and a lot of people that I coach through transitions is I was able to do this kind of on even on a productivity level. I was able to accomplish this much in that season. But now in this transition season, I feel purposeless, I feel like I can't, you know, I used to be able to check off eight out of 10 things on my list. Now I can only check off one or two. You know, so there's that hope, being realistic about what you can accomplish, too. Can you speak to that a

Adrianne Verheyen: 22:58

little bit? Yeah, I mean, that's really hard. For me, just the way I'm wired to take a step back and be okay with accomplishing lists on a day to day basis. But, um, I think I got to a point where I realized in times of change and transit transition, I was so focused on staying just as productive. And finding just as much purpose in the things that I was doing, that I actually neglected relationships, neglected. Other things that were important to me as a whole person, because I was so intent on just saying, Hi, caliber. And then things suffer after that, like your health suffer, your sleep suffers, your diet suffers, like, and then pretty soon you realize that you've been compromising on a lot of things that were really important to you in efforts to just stay productive. Yeah. So. So I think that I had to give myself permission to put things aside and practically that looks like in certain times, pruning myself or certain commitments. And those are hard to like, let go of because it feels like you're letting people down at time. And, but just being really clear with myself writing everything down that I that I'm committed to on a weekly basis, and then looking at it and really evaluating is this realistic for the next season a change like I'm going to be for example, we just met through a really big move. So it's three months. of winning at my grandma's house. And I was out of my element, I didn't have as much time for certain things, my space for certain things. And so I had to look at my commitments, and I had to back out of a couple things, because I just physically couldn't measure up and do it all. So evaluating that on the front end, was way more courteous and kind to the people that were involved in those commitments than if I had tried to fix it in and then halfway through, find out. Yeah, so being upfront about what's realistic is so much more helpful to the people in your life than just trying to stick it through and like kind of white knuckling it and then sailing. Right, right.

Timothy Austin: 26:01

Yeah. Yeah, trying to just plow through transition without pausing. You know, and this is what I always go back to, in my own personal transition seasons is my fighting what God wants to do in this season, because I'm just trying to get to the other side, as fast as I can, without stepping back, reassessing. I'm doing all the things we're talking about today, looking at personal values and beliefs. Oh, what? What has to shift? What? What can be constant? What can keep what can keep some stability going in my life? And can some consistency? Yeah. And so so that kind of goes to this question I had for you. How do you determine what stays and what goes in transition decisions? And maybe when to push the pause button? How and how do values help you navigate those choices?

Adrianne Verheyen: 27:02

Yeah. I think that writing down our values is so important. And then evaluating that next to your schedule, and to your commitment is key to make sure that your values are lining up requires time spent. And so you might recognize after you write those things down, if there's a huge mismatch that you're spending, maybe, maybe family is at the top of your list of values, and you're spending 80% of your day at work. And that's a mismatch, right? Because work is at the top of your time spent, but family is at the top of your values. So it's not all the time that we can make it perfect match all along the line. But there are ways I think, to at least align it a bit better. And so in determining what stays and what goes and when to push the pause button, I think that you have to just look at your values and realize which which of those you're not willing to compromise on at all, there are some values that times that are at the low end of the list that are okay to compromise on and in the interest of just focusing and re centering. And so, summarizing your values, hopefully until like two to three will help you be able to align your time spent more closely with what you care about. And then in the in. Like there are times when I've had to put certain relationships on pause during times of transition. And like I said, having those conversations up front, it has been so much more helpful than trying to white knuckle myself through a relationship and then sailing halfway through. And so for example, I have a group of close girlfriends. And we've historically had met every Tuesday morning for a Bible study. And, and there was a season in my life where that was just logistically physically not possible. I just couldn't make it happen. And so I had conversations with each of them and just said, I'm going into a season of a lot of change. And I'm not really able to stick to this commitment. And I'm not saying it's forever, and this is really hard for me to do. So please hear me in that. But I'm not gonna be able to make it for the next three months, and then I'm going to reevaluate, and I hope that you'll understand that I still care about you. And I still value this community and being clear with them. Even though I had to say, Okay, I just have to go, right being clear with them and so helpful for their relationship on both. Because they knew that I wasn't failing or or D prioritizing, they just knew that I was doing what's best for me and my family at the time. So I think having hard conversations, instead of just assuming that people knowing that people know what's going on your life, I was just gonna assume that they knew that I was busy, then they might have had inappropriate assumptions about, about me or about what I was prioritizing, right. But it left them with questions that left them with grace for me, and then it gave myself permission, and sort of a clean conscience to so I would say, in determining what they let go, you just have to be willing to have hard conversations with yourself and with other people in your life.

Timothy Austin: 30:56

Yeah, it sounds like you were able to do that with your friends in this city in this example, that you just shared, not set up their expectations for disappointment, you were able to help them to see okay, this is just a temporary thing, I'm pushing the pause button. But I'm going to come back and, and reevaluate. So that doesn't leave them guessing or, you know, making, you know, some kind of assumption that is not true. So you're actually doing a favor to those around you, by being able to say, I value you. That's why I want to, you know, communicate this to yours. share this with you. In this season of my life. So yeah, super helpful. Thank you. A lot of this is is really about reframing our transition seasons, and approaching them in ways that are are positive, and are purposeful. What would you say would be your go to when it comes to reframing and approaching change in a way that is purposeful and positive?

Adrianne Verheyen: 32:00

So that's a great question. And, and I, I can't say I've always approach transition when I'm positive attitude every single time. But I would say it's important to reframe transition as an opportunity to learn something that you can apply them to a future transition. So you're sort of like building up the toolbox, and transitions and tools, and you're not going to learn them all at the same time. But every single transition is going to give you another like tool or your belt, so to speak. And so you want to collect those along the way so that every single time you approach transition, you have an opportunity to do it better than the time before, and is a way that I think it's important to refrain those, those pieces Why?

Timothy Austin: 32:56

That's great. And I think that's great to leave our listeners with today. What can you do to glean from the current transition, you're in what what can you glean and learn from this current transition you're in so that you're adding to your toolbox, and taking something purposeful and useful into the next transition season you go into. So you're always building on the tools that you've learned. And so, so important to go into a transition season. Sometimes we don't always have a lot of time to think as they're kind of the forced transitions or the rug pulled out transitions. But even then we can we can take time to think what just happened here? And how can I recover, rebound and move forward in a positive way with the tools that I'm learning now. So thank you so much, Adrian, for joining me. It's been so great to have you on this podcast.

Adrianne Verheyen: 34:04

Thanks so much for having me on dad. It was great. And I'm such a fan of the way that you're reframing ways that people can approach transition and change in their lives, in providing them with practical tools for hopefully making that experience and one that is purposeful in their life. So I appreciate the opportunity to talk a little bit about my own experience today.

Timothy Austin: 34:32

Well, thanks so much for sharing Adrian. One of the things I love to do as a coach is to walk my clients through a values clarifying process. In transition seasons, you can reframe the transition you're in to something purposeful, powerful, and productive. You can move confidently forward knowing who you are and what you want to become. Book a discovery call with me at encompass life. Coaching comm if you're interested to learn more about how life coaching can help you grow through this season of change. Thanks for joining us today on this episode of navigate podcast. I've been your host Tim Austin. If this has been helpful for you, would you mind rating the podcast writing a review and sharing on social media? And of course, you can always subscribe to the podcast so that you're sure to get in on the next episode. Until next time,