Episode 27: Tash's birthday extravaganza!

In this week's episode we celebrate an important birthday. In 1776 tash fell out of her mother's nether region, just before america became a state. Wish her a happy birthday and a happy retirement.

You can also watch the video on youtube

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

What are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:03

I'ma do whatever the fuck I want, 'cause it's my birthday.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Okay, don't don't do that. That's it.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

It's a little Japanese like thingy. We're back.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Welcome, everybody, Comedyville Horror Podcast. We are your host. I'm Russ.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

I'm Tosh. And who's this is this is Winston. This is my new boy.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

Can you say hi?

SPEAKER_02 0:52

Uh here, get the mic closer.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Oh, all right. Well.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

If you can.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Oh, I'm close. We're we're there. Got some ears in my way.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

So what are we? What is this episode gonna be about?

SPEAKER_00 1:06

My birthday!

SPEAKER_02 1:07

Yeah. And so Tosh is turning a hundred years old. So today we are probably we're gonna go find some new tennis balls for her walker.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

That is, and maybe Winston. Why do we like tennis balls? So we're gonna go fuck around.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Yeah. And find out.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

We're gonna do a not all of the things that I love because there's too many to fit into one day.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

But so we decided for our birthdays, uh, we're gonna each of us we gotta pick a couple of a day where we get to do what we want.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

And the other person has to do that same thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Just kind of like on uh It's always sunny in Philadelphia where uh each person in the group gets a day and then everybody hates whatever that person chooses. But uh don't be an ass. It's a fucking it's a gloomy day out.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah, so we had to think of some indoor activities.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Yeah, it is kind of actually both of our birthdays are like uh where the weather could be who knows what is actually gonna I'm April, he's October, so yeah. But so speaking of birthdays, uh did you have like like birthday parties with like a bunch of kids and stuff when you were little?

SPEAKER_00 2:32

No, mom never allowed that.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

Oh, I was gonna say, what was your favorite?

SPEAKER_00 2:36

Nope. Nope. I didn't have my first surprise birthday party until I was like 30. Like I've never been surprised.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

Well, it doesn't have to be a surprise, but you still throw like fucking chucky cheese.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

No, like I would have like a friend over or something, but it was normally like dinner.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Yeah. I know my my birthday was so woo stinky. Oh but real quick.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Okay. Lost one.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

Uh so but my birthday was always so hard because I could never have it on my birthday.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Because everybody was fucking busy on my birthday because it is Halloween, which is like little kid fucking favorite holiday. Right. You know? So that was always kind of a no no no.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

So we are to stay tuned because there's more to come on this birthday extravaganza.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

And I'll probably keep this as a an audio one. Oh, yeah. That'd be great. Like that way, that way it's not too video only.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah. So we're gonna go have a little fun.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

Yeah. So stay tuned, bitches.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Stay tuned.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Okay. So right now, where are we?

SPEAKER_00 4:05

We are at an antique mall.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Antiquities.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

We're searching for some shit.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

So I I was going to drive, and I was gonna have her blindfold me, and then she like tell me how to get here so that it would be a surprise. Uh yeah, you can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Yeah, that's crowned upon. So for sure.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

All right, so she drove, and we're at this antiquities mall.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

And we're gonna hunt for some you like that your Uranus glass, your Uranus. Uranus glass or something.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

God, if they made a butt plug.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

We're gonna find one.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

We're on a mission.

SPEAKER_02 4:44

See you inside.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Oh my god, look how cute he is.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

Tosh, what are you looking for?

unknown 4:49

Taxi toat.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

Look at this little guy.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

He's kind of winking.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

He is adorable. This should be the best birthday present. He's waving.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Look at this little fella.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Look at his little tail. Isn't he cute?

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Well, what else have they got?

SPEAKER_00 5:15

This is a good financial decision.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

He is this is a good booth.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

285.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Look at this guy.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Wait, how is this squirrel cheaper than this?

SPEAKER_02 5:24

Well, how much is that?

SPEAKER_00 5:26

285. Look at this one.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

I like the one that's given the peace sign.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

Me too. Oh no. Look at this, Donnie Darko. This is having a rough day. What's this guy?

SPEAKER_01 5:42

What's this thing? Touch it.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Well, it's his butt. Ew. Don't touch its butt.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

It's turkey head. That's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

That can't be real. It's just a no, it is. Well, just like how most fish aren't the actual Okay, what's like this?

SPEAKER_01 6:05

I can't remember.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Did look, this this isn't real.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Well, that's not real.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

That's from the dollar store.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Let's see what else is in here.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Look at all these pelts.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Oh. Okay. Some fish.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

This one's really good.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Which one?

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Just this whole booth.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:30

Like this is like right up my alley. This is right up in my alley. The steins.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Look at how old that smallmouth is. And this one. From the high. From the high. Isn't that the faping commercial? It's really bad.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

I love bad taxidermy.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

I kind of do too.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

I love on Facebook seeing all the really bad taxidermy ones. I see if there's any. These are gonna glow, I bet.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Mm.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Go to the um the one over there and see what's on that side. We gotta see what this thing's what this butt thing is. It's just tail on the side.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

It's a a fucking badger. Oh, it's a cat. It's not a cat? That's awful. It's like somebody's playing that fucking skull.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Did you need this purse?

SPEAKER_02 7:26

For my tit slinger.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

There's two. We could get matching ones. Oh, oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

$65.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Now you're talking. Stop it.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

Oh, that one's cute. Sunbathed. It's being a little mermaid.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

It is so cute. Sultry.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Okay. So I came here once and found like an old like military canister thing. I'm guessing it was for ammo. For animals. For ammo.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

And I twisted it off because I was like, oh, I wonder what's in it. And it was old Playboy magazines pulled up.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Like penthouse.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

This is so dirty. Okay, let's find out what you're doing while we're here. How do I push? How do I play?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

It's gone.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Okay. And this is what Russ is doing to find his Uranus glass. He's shining his uranium. He's shining his sperm light.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Oh, here's some over here.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

Oh, wait. Here he goes. He's shining his black light to see what kind of stains are on it. Any stains?

SPEAKER_02 8:41

No, no cum stains.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

I found it. I found it. I found you. Oh, it's attached. I thought it was a butt plug.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Listen, this is my favorite booth. What's this? Look at all this. It's a juicer.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Oh, yeah. Look at it's babe, it's Jesus' manger. What is this? A uranus?

SPEAKER_02 9:05

You put trough. Butter in it. I don't fucking know.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

Oh, it's a sugar for sugar.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Look at all this stuff you could get.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Look at that.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Why do they have the red stuff in here?

SPEAKER_02 9:19

Because it's radioactive.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Is this like your jam?

SPEAKER_02 9:25

Yeah. I mean, I like finding uh like on random shelves in different.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Oh my gosh, this is$34.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Yeah, exactly. Stuff that like they know is uranium is always more.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Huh.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Which and the milk glass, I don't think actually has uranium in it.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

I think it's the which one? Oh, this?

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Yeah, where it's like uh white.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Milky.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

It's very milky. These are fun though. Little sherbet cup.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

I wish they had. If they had a big jar, I would get it.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Well, let's find one. Let's be on the lookout.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Let's look. How is that big juicy dump? You're disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

So fat. What effort? Oh my god. So we had these. They're these weird dolls. And like their legs are like, you can like bend them. Here, look. They're like got rubber or like wire in them. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

What would you do with them?

SPEAKER_00 10:33

They're hot look hotlux dolls. I don't know. You'd play with them. Dress them.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

Make them climb a tree.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

These were awesome. Okay. So we just got out of the antiquities place. And Tosh didn't buy anything.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

I found a highly expensive tiny white. Is that a mink?

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

Weasel.

SPEAKER_02 10:59

It was in the video.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Oh yeah. Um, for way too much money. Really wanted them. Not a whole lot of taxidermy.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

Yeah, there there was more taxidermy last time I was here, and I don't know why.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

People bought it.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Yeah. Well, it is kind of a a trending topic now.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

People suck.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Uh, but I bought a few things. Well, two things.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

I bought whose birthday is it?

unknown 11:24

I know.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

This is bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

I bought a jar with a head in it. So funny.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

A zombie head. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

I don't know what I'm gonna do with it, but fuck it.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

You only live once.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

And I also got oh, so heavy.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Oh, it's got blood on its mouth. Oh, it's so cool.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

This goblin cast iron. Yeah, it's super heavy.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Bank. Oh, it's so cool.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

It's so awesome.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

How do you get the money out? Flip it over.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

Oh, I don't know. Oh, you unscrew this.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Oh, it's from 18.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Yeah, from 1918.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

So cool. Creepy.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

But that was it.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

That's what he got.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

It's we were in there for way too long.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

My feet hurt now.

SPEAKER_02 12:18

Yeah, let's let's get something to eat.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Yeah, we need to get some something in our system.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Yeah. All right.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

On to the next place.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

All right. Here we go. It does tricks. What? Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

We are doing another fun little thing. That Tosh.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

I really enjoy doing something like this for my birthday. Um, I found a 1981 penny, so I'm gonna put it on a railroad track. And then just in case I can't find that one, after the train comes, I also have a shiny bitch, so which is a 2000 some. I can't read that because it's tiny and I'm fucking old. So I'm trying to definitely make sure that I uh maybe can find these and not get in trouble. By the law.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

I mean, it is like illegal to do.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

I mean, is it though? I don't feel like it is.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Well, yeah, it's tampering with uh what shit.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Uh, and we're doing it. There's that one. There's that one. Shiny, not shiny. 1981, bitch! Now everybody knows how old I am.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

All right, as a disclaimer, we're not actually putting it on the train tracks. We are gonna take them off.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

Yeah, but in the meantime, uh, we are gonna oh yeah, go fishing. Yeah, yeah. So I really want to go fishing today. Um, it's been kind of shitty and rainy.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

We're gonna do my kind of fishing today. Okay, ready. The gambling fishing. We're gonna fish for lobsters today. I have we're gonna trap a lobster.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Oh, I thought I didn't have any cash. That would have been terrible.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Here, no. We're doing it. Sucking it in. Here, put this in. Okay. Oh. Fifteen dollars? Well, yeah. Gotta be high roller. Here we go, baby. Let's catch a blue lobster today. Alright. We are gonna do we want to do 50 cents? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

And this is a skill game, so you have to have skills in order to win.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

So many skills are happening right now.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Watch. Cast. Set my trap. And here we go. Here we go. Big money. Birthday money. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

Play line? No, I can't play line.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

No, the the pay line is it's gotta be across there.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

I read it as play. Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Have you never played this game? Shoot.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Oh. Oh, look at that. Alright. Oh, look at what I got.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

25 bucks.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

One cajillion dollars.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

25 dollars.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

That's actually like really good. I don't know if you can top that all.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

That's a big win, guys. That's a big win.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

I'm up through I'm uh I'd say play it down until$25 and I cash out.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Here we go.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Bring it on. Birthday.

unknown 16:15

Free game.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Come on, free game, free game, free game. Free game, free game, free game. Come on, go on, go, go, go, go. Oh, you fucking. Oh. Oh, and free game. Free game, free game, free game. Free game. Oh, free game. Oh lobsters. 250.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Look at that. We're gonna win big.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Look at these skills that you have.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

I know. I like I am seriously a master angler, even at lobster. I mean I don't even know what to tell you. Big money, big money.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

No whammies. Let's go. Come on. And go. And go. And it again. Skills. Oh, oh, oh, what am I doing? Am I raising? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

Oh, I got a blue one. What does that mean? Only a dollar fifty? That's an elusive blue.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

I know, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Like come on. I can't believe we won twenty-five bucks though.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

I know. Years later these games you don't fucking win anything on.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

This is great. Big money. Oh look at that. Come on. Oh, Nelly. Oh, oh shit. Lower. Five bucks. Look at that. Yeah. Here we go. Why do you have to select a banana?

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Hmm?

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Like why why is that part of the thing?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

So you're paying attention.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

It's because it's a skill. You have to select a fucking moving banana.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Here we go. I want that seagull to come out.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus. Boner, boner, boner, boner, boner. Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

Oh fifty. This is awesome. Bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus. Birthday bonus. Come on, free I want free games. Let's do it. Bring it on. Oh. Oh, where's a seagull? Let's do it. Do it, do it, do it.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

Moan now. Moan now.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

Oh damn. Come on, come on, come. Just keep going. Keep it keep it coming. Birthday games. You think it can hear me?

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Yeah, it totally can. I keep yelling at it.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Come on, bonus. Oh, fuck it. Oh. 2550. Here we go. The the tugboat is 500 bucks. Let's do a tugboat. Well, tugboat. Tugboat. Yeah, but see what it's like. Right. Tori boating. Dollar fifty. Dollar fifty.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Alright,$25 even now.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

Oi, I mean. You gotta play to win, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Yeah. Lose or go home. Or whi or win or go home?

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Or we're gonna get tugboat. What is it? Tugboat. Shit your pants and then go home. That's what it is. Come on, oh you Jesus. Oh shit. Fifty cents. All right, I'll take it. We need those. Should I? There we go. Come on now. We'll shoot it. Come on. Oh, come on. We get a seagull or something. Oh, one dollar. Oh, oh stars, two dollars. Alright, now now it wants to give it out. So give it to me. Here we go. Let's do it. Oh god. Alright, alright, alright. Here we go. Here we go. Big money.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

No whammies. Tugboat.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

I know. God damn it. It's a thousand dollars for a tugboat now.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Oh come on.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Oh dastard. Wait, what? Saturday, right? Free games. Let's go.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

We ain't gonna do shit with just winning a dollar at a time.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

I mean we can play another dollar.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Five dollars left. Let's go. It's just work. Yeah, it's uh because it's a shit.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

Come on. Come on. Come on. Make us feel like a wiener.

unknown 23:27

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

I got a five dollar bill.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Quadruple down.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

We're gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

Should I go back to fifty cents? Yeah, I mean, Alan was maybe seventy-five. I'm gonna do fifty. I get nervous. I get nervy. Here we go. Oh come on, come on, come on. Progressive, progressive wheel, progressive wheel. Oh Dang it. Can you get some free games up in here or something? Oh dumb bananas. I am a banana. Come on, how look at that. I know. Let's do this. Come on. Come on, tug boats.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

Mom, dad, give me some birthday love here.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Come on, boner.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Let's do it. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Let's do it. Let's do it, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner. Oh, some clean. Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, let's do it. Let's do it. Oh. Oh, Eagles.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

Or not Eagles.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Seagulls.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Steven.

SPEAKER_01 25:01

Seagull.

SPEAKER_02 25:03

Uh a dollar.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

I'll take it. I'd go to twenty-five cents.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Yeah. Does it go lower than that? Come on. Come on now. Oh, come on. Two more. Come on. That's all one more. You gotta be shitting me. All right.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

We should have we should have stopped at twenty five.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

We suck.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

We suck.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

All right. You know what? We should check on our penny.