Episode 30: Happy Mother's Day!

In this episode we visit one of our moms house.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Oh god, don't break the tree! We're gonna get in so much trouble. I don't think you're supposed to do this. Okay, what in the I just are you sure you don't want a zip tie? Why don't we zip tie it?

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Can you see me? Hopefully. I'll scoot over.

SPEAKER_05 0:43

Welcome everybody to Comedyville Horror Podcast. We are your host. I'm Russ. I'm Tosh. And this week's episode is a special Mother's Day episode. Yeah. Uh we had a whole big thing planned. Uh where we were gonna have uh an interview with my mom, who's still alive. Uh but she's in the hospital.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

So Which we found out as we went to her home.

SPEAKER_05 1:10

Yeah. But right now, we are at your mom's house.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

That well, w where she resides currently, meaning her body. Um we are at the cemetery.

SPEAKER_05 1:23

Yeah. And uh Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Happy Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_05 1:28

Even even if you didn't birth a human out of your hole, you can still be a mother.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

You could be a fur mom like me. That's right. Um, well, I I brought this flower. Not really, I stole it from his mom's flowers because I'm a cheap ass. And we just need more subscribers so I can afford flowers. Um, I think I broke her vase when I got here, so that's cool. Um, so this is Diane, also known as Dee Dee. Happy Mother's Day, mom. There's spent a lot of time and effort on that. But I I did write her a little poem.

SPEAKER_05 2:10

Yeah. You want to read it?

SPEAKER_01 2:12

I think I'm going to. Um, so those of you who can't see this gravestone, uh, my mom died in August of 2001 at the ripe age of 51. God so young. I know, right?

SPEAKER_05 2:29

I'm almost there.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

I'm 35. I am almost there. So uh okay. So here's my poem. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:41

Did you write this?

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yes. Maybe with a little assistance. Mom, your red curls bounced like your fearless way. Thanks. Sponky and bold, you ran the whole day. No topic was off limits, no question too small. You overshared early, so we learned it all. Halloween was your season, you lived for the fright. Turning scary movies into comedy night. You laugh at the killers like, well, that was dumb. And now I yell back at the screen like your long-lost chum. Every holiday, magic. You made it a show. Spontaneous chaos, we were lucky to know. Random traditions, last-minute flare. Half the time we weren't sure how we got there. You left on your own terms, peaceful and free. Honestly, very on brand, if you ask me. Even in that, you stayed true to your way. One final plot twist, we're still unpacking today. Gone at 51, but your legacy stays. Your laughs, in our laughs, our strength, and our slightly wild ways. And I swear, mom, still to this day, we hear your voice like, oh, that's not how I would have done it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

That was good. Pretty good? Yeah. Sad.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I mean, I was gonna try to make it funny, but then um, what I like to do on Mother's Day or her birthday, which is also coming up June 17th. Um, I like to pour one out. Normally it's champagne, but I couldn't find the little bottles. So today we're doing a cheers to my mama.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

Cheers.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Cheers.

SPEAKER_05 4:48

Happy Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Happy Mother's Day. You get the first drink, mom.

SPEAKER_05 4:52

Don't pour it right down. Oh, see, now it's going down the I already broke it. It's fine! Well, now it's gonna make more fucking mud in it.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Sorry, Mom. Cheers. It's the closest thing I could find to a mimosa.

SPEAKER_05 5:12

How is that?

SPEAKER_01 5:13

It's really fucking good.

SPEAKER_05 5:15

It probably has so much, I'm sure it's got so much sugar in this.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Oh my god, I can taste the sugar. It like hurts my teeth. You might as well before you get them. Cavities filled. I know. Uh yeah, so I think this is broken because I put dad's ashes in it, and then like the mud seeped in.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Yeah. Why?

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And oh, also, um, which we'll have to get a clip of it. So a great friend of mine made this.

SPEAKER_05 5:49

Yeah, just off camera, there is a tree here.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah. Um, and my friend made a birdhouse that actually has had like birds living in it. Um, but I was saying to them that it really has seen better days. And so they made me a new one. Um, but there was like the groundskeepers around because there's a there's a funeral going on. And I don't know how we're gonna get it up there without them knowing.

SPEAKER_05 6:24

So we're gonna we can do it now.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

You think?

SPEAKER_05 6:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

He's over there. He's digging a hole. This guy's digging a hole.

SPEAKER_05 6:32

I have to bring this step stool. People do all nefarious things in cemeteries.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

I used to lay out here.

SPEAKER_05 6:43

Isn't that weird? I mean, it's kind of nice out here.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

I seriously would lay out, and then there were these baby fox that would live back in the like a whole like garden. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 6:54

I don't know if that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

That looks like something from like midsummer's what's that scary movie?

SPEAKER_05 7:01

That mid midsomar.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Yeah, something that looks like little kids were playing in it.

SPEAKER_05 7:07

Yeah, so Mother's Day though. Did you celebrate it as a kid? Did you ever do like a coupon book or you know, oh yeah, uh dumb shit. Things that kids always give.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Here's a free back rub. And I think she like just like never threw it away and she would just keep giving it to us because she just wanted a backup.

SPEAKER_05 7:27

Because you weren't dumb enough to like rip it.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Yeah. Yeah. I was an idiot. Real dumb. I mean, I'll get you nice flowers in June, mom.

SPEAKER_05 7:38

Oh god, I remember painting my mom's toenails.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Ew. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:44

Have you ever seen her toenails?

SPEAKER_01 7:46

No, I don't want to see her toenails.

SPEAKER_05 7:48

They haven't gotten worse. They've always just been Oh, they're fucking sugary.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Oh, I don't know how tough. I just have coffee. It was really rough.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

I just have coffee.

SPEAKER_05 8:03

What uh what other thing, like would you uh make your mom like macaroni pictures and shit?

SPEAKER_01 8:15

I don't know if I ever did. I mean, we'd always do some stupid project in school or like a plant.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Like, here, I grew you this tiny flower.

SPEAKER_05 8:24

You can't let kids just do Mother's Day on their own. You have to like the school has to guide them.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

For sure. For sure.

SPEAKER_05 8:34

Because the dads definitely aren't gonna help.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

No.

SPEAKER_05 8:38

If they're around.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Right? I know. Where's that guy at? Is he literally this guy's hand digging a grave right now.

SPEAKER_05 8:49

I I don't know if he's hand digging.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

I don't know. Get a fucking close-up of that. He's really in there.

SPEAKER_05 8:56

I wonder if he's uh doing where the marker's gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Oh, well, he's probably trying to dig out somebody's broken ass face. Good night. I don't know. Oh, maybe he is doing the markers.

SPEAKER_03 9:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Oh god, that's a baby, that's a baby funeral. Do you see the tiny casket?

SPEAKER_03 9:15

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Oh fuck. Oh, yikes.

SPEAKER_03 9:19

That's sad.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

That's so sad. That's baby area.

SPEAKER_04 9:23

Is it?

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:24

See that why is it at the bottom of the hill?

SPEAKER_01 9:27

I don't know, but it's a tiny casket. That's terrible.

SPEAKER_04 9:30

Like that's where all the water goes.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

No, it goes inside of my mom's face hole.

SPEAKER_05 9:36

That's all the water goes inside of my mom's face hole.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Maybe that's why maybe that's why he's hand digging it. Because it's a smaller grate.

SPEAKER_05 9:47

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Oh, that's sad. Yeah. That's sad. That's rough. Okay. We weren't expecting that.

SPEAKER_05 9:52

Celebrating fucking Mother's Day with a dead baby.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

Oh. That's oh God. No, no. Let everybody leave before you start doing something, sir.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Oh God, that's awful. Uh look at all these fresh graves. What the there's one there, there's one there. There's one there.

SPEAKER_05 10:19

What what do you usually talk to your mom about when you come here?

SPEAKER_01 10:23

You know, sometimes I just come here just to like tell her about my day. If I especially, I should probably should have came here yesterday because it was a real fucking shit show. I cried six times total.

SPEAKER_05 10:37

Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Yeah. So there's that. Oh God, no, dude. They haven't left yet. He just lifted the thing up. They haven't left.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

Lifted out.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

He lifted the baby casket and put it in the ground. Let them leave.

SPEAKER_05 10:56

I don't know. They can't even go out that way. They have to do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

I know, what a shit show. Like, really? Can everything be fucked up today?

SPEAKER_05 11:03

Well, and it's fucking spring, so everything is under god.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Oh god, did you see him? He literally. So babies don't need to go six feet? It was like a, you know, like when you put the thing, like the the straps that lower it? But it was not. Oh my god, please tell me no one's in that car. There's somebody in that truck.

SPEAKER_02 11:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Okay. Wow. On Mother's Day. Um, yeah, that was not something anybody needed to experience.

SPEAKER_05 11:36

No.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

I just talked to her about how, you know, just life stuff. Sometimes I'll come and beg that she like gives me a sign.

SPEAKER_05 11:46

Does she ever talk back to you?

SPEAKER_01 11:48

I mean, she used to. I don't know. Sometimes I'll get a sign. Like sitting out here and you ever get shit on? No, I've never gotten shot on yet, but I did go and like look in the bird feeder or the birdhouse once, and the bird flew out like almost into my face, and I screamed. So that was great. But yeah, there used to be a little fox that would come out, and that was kind of like my sign, but I haven't seen it in a while.

SPEAKER_05 12:19

Is a fox a sign?

SPEAKER_01 12:21

I mean, she was a bird a sign? She was crazy like a thing a sign? She was crazy like a fox.

SPEAKER_05 12:25

Like, how do you how do you know? That's my nickname.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

The red fox.

SPEAKER_05 12:29

Red fox.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

That's a that's what I'm gonna call myself now.

SPEAKER_05 12:33

That's a native name.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Oh god. They like just left and he's already just dumping dirt on them.

SPEAKER_05 12:42

Got fucking to do. They're paid by the hour. They can't just fucking stay in there all day.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

I guess. Yeah, so uh, well, we kind of put a little damper in our step here. Here, how about another one, mom?

SPEAKER_05 12:58

It was gonna be a much longer Mother's Day video, but had to kind of cut it short.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

You think we should we should go get the birdhouse?

SPEAKER_05 13:08

Yeah, let's do that.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Should we do it?

SPEAKER_05 13:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

It's just a hook though. How do I get it up there?

SPEAKER_05 13:13

Well, just fucking hook it on something.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

And pray it doesn't fall down.

SPEAKER_05 13:18

I'll go get it. Figured out.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

All right, Mom. Happy Moe Day.

SPEAKER_05 13:24

Moe Day.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Momo. Mommy Day. Oh god. Ow. Ow. Somebody help me. I haven't gotten on the ground in a hot minute. Okay, you want to see this thing? You gotta come look at the birdhouse, though. Put the camera in the hole. See if something flies out. If it flies at my head, I'm gonna lose my shit. Uh nope. Up up up. Is there a bird in there?

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Little birdie. I don't see nothing.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Nope. But clearly something has made a nest.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Yeah, it's it's busting at the seams.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

I know. With nest stuff. Okay, let me go grab it.

SPEAKER_05 14:03

Okay, I'm gonna set this.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Do you want do you want the step stool?

SPEAKER_05 14:08

I don't know if we need it, do we?

SPEAKER_01 14:11

I don't know. I hope not. I don't want the guy to know. I'll go get it. I lost all feeling in my foot sitting like that. Ow! My foot's asleep. Ow. My foot's asleep. Fuck. Don't look at me, sir. I don't think we're supposed to put shit in trees, but whatever.

SPEAKER_05 14:27

Yeah, it's fine.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

You know why we picked this plot for mom? Because we used to live across the street from the party momden, and we're like, cool, they could be neighbors again.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

That's so dumb.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

I know.

SPEAKER_05 14:40

Did you come out and like look at the thing?

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Or were you just like a couple options and we were like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

What uh well, how high?

SPEAKER_01 14:50

I want it high because I don't want if if it's gonna hit the guy in the head. See, I was thinking that one. I know. How do we do this?

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Let's I don't know. I don't think you can get up there. But I have this too.

SPEAKER_05 15:07

Which Well, this'll I don't if we can get it on it.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Do we need a step stool?

SPEAKER_05 15:15

Here.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

What do you think? Oh my god, I am not doing this. This sounds like this there's nothing for me to hold on. That is not gonna happen. I'm gonna break your back. Okay, let me go get it.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

God damn it. I told you I should have grabbed it. I need the step stool. At the cemetery. What about this? What? I mean, it's kind of obvious that it's there.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

It's so obvious. Let's do this one. You're taller. Oh God. Will you be careful? Here, hold my beer. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

I don't there's no there's no fuck. Okay. Ah. What do you think? I'm trying not to break this little stick. Is it working?

SPEAKER_01 17:09

It's a great ass shot. Oh god, don't break the tree. We're gonna get in so much trouble. I don't think you're supposed to do this.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Okay, what in the I can just thing on it.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Are you sure you don't want a zip tie? Why don't we zip tie it?

SPEAKER_05 17:27

How?

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Okay, get down. I'll show you.

SPEAKER_05 17:30

How are we gonna zip tie?

SPEAKER_01 17:31

I will show you. I have an idea. Okay. Two zip ties, right? So the first one, so the first one will go like this, like real tight, real taut. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

And then zip tie that one onto the tree. So don't so right. See, like so? I got a knife.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

And then this guy, you'll do it around the tree.

SPEAKER_02 17:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

I am so smart. Oh god.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

If I can get that high though. What are you talking about? Just do it right there.

SPEAKER_05 18:06

On the thicker one?

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Yeah, that's a problem. Do you want two of these?

SPEAKER_03 18:10

I can barely barely get up to it.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

We can do please be careful. The things you do for love. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Oh shit. Ow.

unknown 18:25

Ow.

SPEAKER_05 18:25

I don't. I can't.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Oh my god, yes. Do you need two of the zip ties, sir? I'm holding on to your chair. You're fine.

SPEAKER_05 18:32

Well, it's it's a matter of uh tallness.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

What?

SPEAKER_05 18:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Just put it on that one.

unknown 18:39

Here.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Give me another one. Here, go from the other side. I mean, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:49

I mean, worst case scenario, we could put somewhere else, but.

SPEAKER_05 18:53

No, we've already decided on this. Maybe if I bring it closer.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Okay, cool. Pull it down and I'll grab it. Oh god. Okay. Okay, I got it. I got it.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Don't break the tree. I got it. Can you do it? You're doing it. Look at you. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Okay, so just ah, beautiful. Whoa. Oh my god. You're did it.

unknown 19:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 19:28

All right. Okay. That's perfect. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Look at us. Let's do a close-up of that bitch.

unknown 19:38

All right.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Look at it. That was. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_05 19:42

That was way too much effort.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

That was a lot.

SPEAKER_05 19:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Happy Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_05 19:46

Now with the power of YouTube, it'll be forever memorialized.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Okay. Okay. It was a lot of work on his part. I held the tree branch.

SPEAKER_05 19:58

But happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Happy Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_05 20:02

Uh, even if you were a shitty mom, like whatever.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

It's fine. But yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:09

We love you, and we'll see you at the next one. Peace.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Oh my God.