Episode 36: F**k your piss!!!

Happy father's day. We talk about our dead dad in this week's episode. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Happy Father's Day to all the dead beats out there.

SPEAKER_04 0:05

Happy Father's Day. To all the dead dads. I mean dead beats. Like our dad.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Yeah. He he's he's dead.

SPEAKER_04 0:15

He's passed on. Um and one of the things that probably attributed to his death is right here. And right here on my shirt.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

He was a drunk Indian for most of our lives.

SPEAKER_04 0:30

The king of beers. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

So, welcome everybody to Comedyville Horror Podcast, where spooky meets stupid.

SPEAKER_04 1:03

That fuck, this is not the new tagline. No, it is. This fucking asshole.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

And we are your host. I'm Russ.

SPEAKER_04 1:10

I'm Tosh. We are brother and sister duo.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

We have the same dad.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

Smart, stupid.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Uh, different moms.

SPEAKER_04 1:18

That is true.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Uh both of your parents are dead.

SPEAKER_04 1:22

I'm an orphan. And you're a bastard son.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Yeah. But we're doing we're doing Father's Day this year. I mean, we did a Mother's Day one.

SPEAKER_04 1:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Uh, so we're gonna talk about our daddy.

SPEAKER_04 1:39

Yeah. We wanna pay some tribute to your old pops.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 1:45

I suppose I could have grabbed his fucking uh ashes out of my car.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

I I I was thinking about it, like, I thought it'd be funny. Like, if I die before you, it'd be funny if you put my ashes in your mom's hole. Why? So that everybody in your family is Oh, they're all there.

SPEAKER_04 2:11

Yeah, there we go.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

That would be funny.

SPEAKER_04 2:12

But it'll be like your big toe, because I would only get like that much, like whatever I got of dad. So, you know, had to fucking lie to the mortuary for that one.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

But um That was a shit show.

SPEAKER_04 2:24

But I mean, so So So Dad never really got um a good send-off.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

Because I'm sure his why don't we just start with uh like our lives with our dad?

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Okay. Because mine is uh very different and very recent. That is true.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

Um so obviously I am older than you. Yeah. So fuck. So I got to spend more time with dad. Um and definitely was able to have more of a relationship for a while.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Like, yeah, I was gonna say, like, how how much did you see him like you know, uh in the beginning not a ton that I remember. Um Well, the guy had like fucking eight kids.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Seriously, we don't even know how many other half brothers and sisters are out there. So dad was married before um he married mom. My mom. Um and so he had Oh they were married. Yes, and so yeah, so he married he married Joan, and then they had two girls. Um, and then in then they divorced and Susie was ten. Susie and then Sherry. Sherry was older, I believe. Sherry's our half-sister, who's still alive. Um not many are still alive.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

No, like really out of how many he had.

SPEAKER_04 4:05

During the time that mom and dad were dating, that's when the accident happened where Susie was killed by a uh gun going off. The kids were playing with it at the family reunion.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

So very like family reunion, Jesus. So everybody was there, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:23

So like a very um tragic beginning, I think, to their relationship. Um, and then their first child, brother Jesse, uh, was still born.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Jesse James.

SPEAKER_04 4:37

And he died as a baby. So again he would talk about Jesse James a lot, and it's like so I think that was their first, like I mean, between Susie getting shot and killed at the age of 10 and then their first baby together dying.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:56

Like that was just a lot of tragedy in such like a short period of time.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Like, no wonder he fucking drank so much.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

Right. Like, really, like, and no wonder why mom kind of went a little fucking nuts, you know?

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:07

So I mean, I do remember I remember them splitting up. I think I was like five or six though. Um, when they divorced or started the divorce process. I don't even know how long it took.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Um, because then So they they had been married for a while then.

SPEAKER_04 5:26

Yeah. Yeah. They were married for and I remember surprising. I mean, I just remember, you know, we would go to visit like family, you know, up north and go fishing. Um just being outside. That's if if I remember anything about my dad, it's being outside, fishing, doing all the things that he loves and now I love. Um but then I just remember like he would bring me random animals all the time home. Because he would find them. He'd find them in parks, he'd find them like what kind of animal? Like a box of kittens. How come I can't ever find a box of kittens? Every time I see a box on the side of the road, I want to pull over and see if it's a box of kittens.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Nah, not me. I hate cats.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

Uh well, I mean, they weren't the smartest.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

Well, even if you have the fucking the smartest cat in the world, it's still gonna shit inside your house.

SPEAKER_04 6:26

No, that is true.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

And then it steps on its shit and then it crawls all over your fucking furniture.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

Okay, okay. You you sold me on not having a cat. Um, plus, I actually think like I'm allergic because every time I go into a client's house that has cats, I'm like come out and my eyes are just like just scratchy and like bleeding.

unknown 6:50

Bleeding eye.

SPEAKER_04 6:51

I'm just kidding, they're not bleeding, but they're watering.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

The cat scratched your eye. Fever and that's right. That's why they're bleeding.

SPEAKER_04 6:58

Um, no, but he brought me, I remember like he brought me a fucking huge turtle toad, turtles, salamanders.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Um salamanders, that's cool as fuck.

SPEAKER_04 7:08

Yeah, yeah. Uh he just he always had something to show me. Um, I just remember like we would just walk through the woods and go.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

See, and that's I love being outside. Uh like not so much fishing anymore. Uh huh. Like I I did a lot of fishing and I would rather like exercise. You know what I mean? Like walk or like ride a bike. You know what I mean?

unknown 7:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

Outside. Like I've been doing that lately, is uh I like mostly for my depression. Like if I start feeling bad, I walk for forty forty-five minutes straight.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

And you feel better? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:52

That's good.

SPEAKER_04 7:53

Are you a depressed person?

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Yeah, all the time.

SPEAKER_04 7:57

Are you really?

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:58

I didn't know that. You don't seem like it.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

I know. I'm such a a nice, cheery guy, but Oh well. Yeah. Depression's a real son of a bitch.

SPEAKER_04 8:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

If if anybody out there listening like feels depressed, get help. I mean, I'm not going to because I ain't no pussy ass bitch. But I mean, you know.

SPEAKER_04 8:19

At least you go for walks, though.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

Well, yeah, exactly. I I fucking s try and self-medicate because I don't know if you've noticed, but the healthcare system fucking sucks.

SPEAKER_04 8:30

Well, that is true.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

So yeah, I don't want to fucking be in debt for the rest of my life just because I got a little bit of sadness.

unknown 8:41

You know.

SPEAKER_04 8:41

Oh God, we are taking this into a dark, dark hole. Yeah, happy father's day. Yeah, really happy Father's Day. Jeez. No, but happy Father's Day to you. You are a dad, so that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

I'm a deadbeat dad, and that's fun.

SPEAKER_04 8:54

No, you're not.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

I don't even remember the last time I saw my daughter. It's been years.

SPEAKER_04 9:01

Well, now I'm sad.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 9:06

Well, I'm glad that you can get outside and walk away your depression. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

It's either that or just fucking drink.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

Well, I mean, which we get it from dad.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:18

Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

So continue with uh with dad?

SPEAKER_04 9:22

Yeah. Um, yeah, he would just bring random shit home. And I just know my mom would get so pissed. She's like, stop bringing your fucking animals.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Like Was that like uh before the divorce or like oh during, I mean, it would be He would just drop it off on the fucking porch.

SPEAKER_04 9:39

He'd be like, Look what I gotcha. And I'm like, Dad, I don't even have anything to put that in. Like, yeah, you know, and then I'd like to find like it was probably like mom's Tupperware and shit. Be like, this looks like a great place for this. Um, you know, we go catch bugs and fireflies, and I would bring the whole, I would have like a hundred lightning bugs in a jar. And then I would bring it to bed.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

And then they would get to bed in the morning.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Then I would get scared, and I would go lay with mom with the fireflies, and she'd roll over and be like, What the fuck? Get those fucking smelly fuckers out of here.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

That's funny.

SPEAKER_04 10:18

She'd freak out.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Um just fucking taking the butts and like rubbing it like on your skin, and then you'd glow glow. Yeah. So stupid.

SPEAKER_04 10:28

So dumb. Um, yeah, I don't know. Dad would show up at random times.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Just here and there.

SPEAKER_04 10:37

Yeah. And then one of my fondest memories is when he had the light up sneakers.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

I think I was those are cool though.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

Like I okay, but I I was in high school. No, I was in middle school. I don't know. I may have been smoking the reefer in the garage. Um, and it was dark out, and I'm like, who is walking up the driveway with light up shoes? Lo and behold, like, it's dad.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Why why is there a special needs man?

SPEAKER_04 11:09

Oh my god. Because they would be the Velcro ones.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:12

Like they actually made Velcro light up shoes for grown men.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Well, they they were for oh fucking.

SPEAKER_04 11:20

Okay, so dad had, thank you, dad, for the fucking legs. I have a super long torso and the shortest, squattiest legs because dad was all of maybe five seven. But was he shrunk a lot? Well, when he died, because I went to the hospital. And I'm like, why does he seem so fucking short? Like his little feet were like, like the bed was so much longer. Like, oh, he had to have been like 5'5. And I'm 5'4 on a good day, probably 5'3.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:55

Thanks for the legs.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Oh, but let me let me tell you this story. Speaking of uh mentally handicapped challenged people, I fucking I go to get gas at the gas station, and next to me, like the pump right next to me, is uh like the funny farm bus.

SPEAKER_04 12:17

Oh no. And so funny.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

So this this one severely challenged uh guy comes out of the the convenience store and in the parking lot, like between the uh the gas station and the pumps, there's this fucking pigeon, like you know, like fucking walking along, and then the pigeon stops. The guy, he's like he's just fucking, he's staring at it, he's just fucking, he's looking at this fucking pigeon for a while. It just stopped, stopped in his tracks. Okay, he's fucking staring at this pigeon, staring at it, fucking making eye contact for a while. And I'm looking at him like what's gonna happen? And he he goes, Maka! And then walks away. I thought it was the funniest fucking thing. What did you do? I wanted to laugh really fucking hard. Because the fucking that van was right next to me and the their their handlers, yeah. The fucking uh cage masters were right next to me.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Uh that would have been some kind of shit dad would have done, actually. Probably. Oh god, that's terrifying.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

It was so funny.

SPEAKER_04 13:42

But um well, dad was a little special needs. Um he was also colorblind, which you are, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_04 13:52

I'm playing this game and I'm pretty sure now so is Reed.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

And so it's it's like um based on like color blocks and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

That's what are you playing roadblocks?

SPEAKER_01 14:05

No, I'm just kidding. But it's like a you know, you have to match like the color sort of things. That's I'm not good at it.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

Surprise!

SPEAKER_01 14:15

But yeah, I'm just I'm just a fucking button smasher. Just do all of them, you know.

SPEAKER_04 14:20

This color, maybe. I I remember um I don't know, it might have been the trailer that dad lived in with your mom when you were a baby.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

But I remember we had to go by Village Point or in Memphis?

SPEAKER_04 14:37

Well, there was one he used to live in one in Millard, too.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:42

So I don't know. Who who knows which fucking one?

SPEAKER_01 14:45

How how did he become like such a trailer entrepreneur?

SPEAKER_04 14:49

Because that guy left him the Memphis one.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:52

The janitor dude that was like friends with him, like died and then just left it everything to dad.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

That's weird.

SPEAKER_04 14:58

So weird. Yeah. We're drinking buddies, I think. But I remember mom had to take us to go like have a weekend or spend the day with dad, and he had just moved in, and he kept telling her, like, whatever color the fucking trailer was.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

It wasn't that color, it was not that color. Driving around like trying to fucking figure out.

SPEAKER_04 15:23

Yeah, she's like, where the fuck is it? You know, they didn't have cell phones back then. Yeah, so it was like I I think he said it was green, it was like white, like it wasn't even or yellow or something, like it was not even that color. She was pissed. But um, so mom, for whatever reason, I don't I know they loved each other, they just couldn't be together. Like, because the only time I ever saw dad cry was at mom's funeral. That's the only time he ever cried. Um and mom would still like have him come and like mow the lawn and like whatever. He would mow the lawn in purple shorts, cut off jean shorts, and that's where he got the name the Hulk. He did not know they were purple, he would say that they were green, and I'm like, Dad, those are fucking purple. Like, and his beer gut, his that's all he would wear, right? No shirt.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

He had a giant stomach his whole life.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, and that's what he would mow the lawn in. Somewhere I have pictures of those.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Why he was shirtless all the time.

SPEAKER_04 16:36

He didn't like clothes.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

There was there were so many photos of him just without a shirt everywhere. And like you could tell it was like winter because some people I also got that from my dad. Some people have fucking coats on and shit.

SPEAKER_04 16:49

Oh, and he he would be in a the shitty cheap Hanes, um, like all different like bright ass colors uh tank tops with his gold chains, and it would be in Upper Peninsula, Peninsula, Wisconsin, like fucking negative 30, and dads in a fucking tank top. He also would wear white-y tighties that were disgusting, and he would just literally walk around whitey tidies in whitey tighties outlawed dads were not white, they had stains and skin marks, and it was so sick. Oh my god. And he had no shame. Like he would always be embarrassed. No, no, he would always go to the bathroom with a door open. I also do that all the time.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

I don't, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_04 17:42

That's so But he would just like what his would be never solid shits, and so you would hear everything.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

The splashes.

SPEAKER_04 17:50

Uh-huh. He'd say, You want some candy? You want some cundi? And give us Copenhagen. Mom's like, stop giving the kids chew.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

That's funny. Like, chew Copenhagen?

SPEAKER_04 18:02

Oh, like the full Copenhagen.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

I I used to chew Copenhagen.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

Look at that. Like father like son.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:13

Um, I would I remember also when mom told dad he couldn't drink in the house anymore. And so she would buy him O'Doels.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

O'Dools, I think.

SPEAKER_04 18:25

And then I would steal it.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Thinking that it was fully leaded.

SPEAKER_04 18:29

I I guess. And like drink. I mean, I would chug cans of beer. What the fuck was that? And then I'd hide them under the bathroom sink. And so mom's like, why would you I remember mom yelling at dad saying it's non-alcoholic. Why would you even hide these? And he's like, I didn't fucking hide them. It was me. It was me the whole time.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

But he was also probably like actually drunk. Oh, like, so he's like, I don't that's weird.

SPEAKER_04 19:03

We would get phone calls multiple times from the neighborhood bar and be like, Yeah, your dad's passed out at the bar again, and can you come and pick him up? So that was a big thing.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

It's like, what's that show, shameless?

SPEAKER_04 19:18

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Have you seen that?

SPEAKER_04 19:20

Um, like one episode.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Yeah, I I couldn't get into it, but it's like where the dad is just like a drunk and just like, no matter what he does, it's fucked up.

SPEAKER_04 19:31

Mm-hmm. I remember one time he was so drunk, and um, I think mom picked him up from the the bar down the street, and then he just continued to drink and was like, it had to have been like alcohol poisoning. And I remember she called the squad because she couldn't get him up. They were taking him down the stairs on the stretcher, and while us kids are just like looking, like watching, and he goes, slow down, men, slow down, men. And we to this day still say that slowed down, men. He I don't even know what he was doing or talking about.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

That's funny. Why why why did he turn Jamaican?

SPEAKER_04 20:19

I don't know. It was it was either that or like a cholo ho or something.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Say that to Reed.

SPEAKER_04 20:26

Slow down men. When we went to go visit him. Um me and Reed or whatever. I remember dad. Oh my god, he wanna go fucking put all these apples, these rotten fucking apples out to feed the deer. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

The deer was like a big thing to him. He he would have to tell me every fucking day like how many deer he's all.

SPEAKER_04 20:51

I know. I miss it though. I really do. But he uh I remember we're like, okay, like how many places are we gonna go to fucking drop off these gigantic containers of apples that are just rotting. There's fucking flies everywhere. Maggots. It's just so sick. Well, probably not maggots. And Reed, Reed's like, I gotta, I gotta piss, Dad. We gotta stop somewhere. I gotta piss. Dad goes, fuck your piss.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Fuck your piss.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

Fuck your piss.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

That's that should be the title of this episode. Fuck your piss.

SPEAKER_04 21:25

And made him hold it until we got to the bar. And so then he could finally go to the bathroom. Oh my god. Fuck your piss. So lots of awesome quotes that uh still use. Every, you know, every time I would talk to him, he'd be like, You gotta come see me before I'm tits up.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

I know that uh that was so my experience. Yeah, let's go to yours. Uh with our father. So he he was around when I was young, but I don't remember him at all. Like I know You were a bad. Yeah, like I've heard stories and stuff, and that's how I like knew of him. You know, but I don't I had no memory of him. Uh and it wasn't until I was when was that?

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Oh goodness.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

I was like 27.

SPEAKER_04 22:20

Probably.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

Yeah, that would that would sound like a big thing. 27, 28, maybe.

SPEAKER_04 22:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Uh when we connected through Facebook.

SPEAKER_04 22:31

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Really?

SPEAKER_04 22:32

Even though I pumped gas next to you.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Oh yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_04 22:36

Do you remember that? Yeah. I was like, I think that I think you're my brother, but I didn't say anything. And you got out of there. I like turned around and you were like gone. I'm like, okay, I think he's afraid of me.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Oh no. Well, I just I don't like why am I gonna fucking hang around the gas pumps all day looking for fucking handicapped people?

SPEAKER_03 22:55

You knew it was me.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

I yeah, because I think we made texted you or something and was like, were you at the gas station?

SPEAKER_04 23:04

Yeah, something. I think it was shortly thereafter that we connected.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Yeah. Cause I think we already had it planned to like meet what was that? Was it Thanksgiving? I think it was.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Uh because you knew my wife.

SPEAKER_04 23:19

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Through work.

SPEAKER_01 23:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

Well, yeah, through work, and I had been to the bar. Go figure.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Yeah, my wife has been at a bar for a long time. 37 years.

SPEAKER_04 23:32

Yeah. But I didn't really put two and two together until we had mutual acquaintances, and then I saw pictures, and I was like, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

You're dating my brother.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Yeah. And then uh yeah, the the first time I came to your house for Thanksgiving, and then that's when you're like, Do you want to call dad? Yeah. And then talk to him for like fucking ever. Like my fucking face hurt.

SPEAKER_04 24:00

Because he was a repeater.

SPEAKER_01 24:02

Yeah, exactly. And like he does like the fucking Midwest goodbye where it takes 45 fucking minutes. I know. Like you start saying goodbye. Oh, hey, tell tell your puppies.

SPEAKER_04 24:17

You know, like just instantly. You'd have to tell the dogs goodbye. You'd have to tell everybody, everybody got a goodbye.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

And then then you find out like you just have to be like, all right, I have to take a shit.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

Yep. That was it. That was your album.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 24:32

And then you would realize it would not stop. You'd realize though the days that there was dancing with the stars on or NASCAR or something that he was really into.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:44

And his go-to was, you gotta go, gotta shit. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

So yeah, it would be funny. Wait a minute. I would call him on Sundays when the the race was happening.

SPEAKER_04 24:53

Can't do that. Or uh Green Bay Packers, if they're playing, better fucking not.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Well, and I'm a Vikings fan. Like, and he he was a Packers fan. So I don't I don't think legally he can be my dad.

SPEAKER_04 25:05

He was a Vikings fan for a long time when we lived in Minnesota.

SPEAKER_01 25:09

So you can't just switch. Well fuck that.

SPEAKER_04 25:15

But there's so I think the cool thing in our relationship and like having it be 26 years that I met you as a baby and then didn't reconnect until then is how many similarities, number one, you and I have.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:36

But how many you and our brother have. But then also you and dad, too.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Yeah. Like just And for not, like that's that whole like nature versus nurture thing. Because like had no idea of him, you know, like I heard stories, but like didn't really know him. Yeah. And then it's like, oh fuck, we're like the same person.

SPEAKER_04 26:01

And I think, you know, in there was a period of time too after mom and dad went through their divorce that mom kind of like forbade us to even have contact with him.

SPEAKER_03 26:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:16

So there was a lot of time that I missed out, I feel, as well. Probably when then you came along. That was during that time.

SPEAKER_03 26:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:26

And after mom found out that your mom was pregnant, I think that that was hard for my mom to handle. Because I know she still loved him.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:36

Um, but that's when we couldn't really talk to dad. So that is weird too.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

How it's there was that picture of were you holding me when I was a baby.

SPEAKER_04 26:49

Uh yeah. Mm-hmm. And then we recreated it at your wedding.

SPEAKER_01 26:53

At my wedding. We recreated it.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

I'll have to see if I you gotta find that. That's so fucking funny.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Yeah. Uh yeah, so my my story was meeting him way later in life.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

And I I went and saw him once in Wisconsin.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

And that was a fucking uh Did I tell you about that? That we right before we went, I got injured at work. And my well, you can't see it because it's covered up with a tattoo now, but I have a a big scar on my leg.

SPEAKER_04 27:30

I uh vaguely remember that. What happened?

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Uh like a piece of metal sliced the fuck out of me.

SPEAKER_04 27:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:38

And so like the whole time, like I had to have it fucking bandaged.

SPEAKER_04 27:41

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Uh because it was dumb because uh the shitty ass company that I worked for didn't want to take me to the hospital.

SPEAKER_04 27:50

Oh, damn.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

And by the time I went, because my wife was like, we're fucking going to Wisconsin. Like you have to like you need stitches because you could see like the fucking muscle.

SPEAKER_04 28:01

Oh god. So you got stitches?

SPEAKER_01 28:04

No. So by the time I went to the doctor, they were like, It's way too late now. Like you should have came immediately.

SPEAKER_04 28:13

Oh god.

unknown 28:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:16

And then did dad have you doing a bunch of shit, want you to fix a bunch of shit?

SPEAKER_01 28:20

It was just like uh having it fucking wrapped up and having to like fucking change it all the fucking time.

SPEAKER_03 28:27

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Like that was a nightmare.

SPEAKER_04 28:32

Well, and then at that point he was remarried to this fucking lunatic.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Oh, I know. And she fucking won't die. She almost fucking blew my goddamn eyebrows off.

SPEAKER_04 28:43

Why?

SPEAKER_01 28:44

So she she covers the grill.

SPEAKER_04 28:47

Well, they almost burnt the fucking house down multiple times because of her and her grill covering or some shit.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

Yeah, so she uh we were grilling like fucking chicken or something. I can't remember what. So they put me in charge of it. And so I go out there and I'm like, what the hell is like she put it over the whole grill, you know, like you take the grates off. She put foil all the way around it and fucking like sealed it shut.

SPEAKER_04 29:19

Where's the fire gonna go?

SPEAKER_01 29:21

And so that was the thing, is so I started taking it off. She was like, No, no, no, no, it's gonna get the grill all dirty. Like, you gotta do it like this.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

And I'm like, okay. So I did it and it fucking blew up in my face.

SPEAKER_04 29:36

Oh my god. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

I was I was so fucking pissed off. I'm like, this fucking bullshit. I was in a bad mood, so then I just started drinking heavily.

SPEAKER_04 29:45

Well, it's pretty easy to do around that one. Yeah. I would have to too. I'm like, I can't. I even after dad died. Yeah. And Sonia's like, she wants me to come over. I'm like, uh nope. She's like, you can't go because you I'm like, because I might murder her.

SPEAKER_02 30:01

That yeah. I wouldn't, but she's fucking nuts.

SPEAKER_04 30:08

Um so how was your how like overall, how was your I guess meeting, visit with him?

SPEAKER_01 30:17

It was good. I mean, in all reality, I wish I wish we had more time. You know, because it was like just a few short years and then I know. Then he was gone.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

His health really went downhill.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

Yeah, what tell what was the story of him where he fucking broke his neck?

SPEAKER_04 30:39

Oh Jesus. Oh, well, this will just go to tell you how fucking Nutso this lady that he was with was. Um so they went to the casino.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

So this set the stage how old is he?

SPEAKER_04 30:55

Oh 78, let's say, at that time. Right? Because he was 80 when he passed. Yeah. So maybe 75, something like that.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

About two.

SPEAKER_04 31:07

But not again, not in great shape by any means. Um, he was as tall as he was round with his ascites. Um, he was literally just full of Budweiser, is my guess. Like it was just there's no organs left anymore, just yeah, bud heavy.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

Well, yeah, he wasn't he wasn't really drinking anymore.

SPEAKER_04 31:33

Well, like fucking hide. He would, when we would go to the cabin, he'd be like, hide this. I'm like, what do you want me to do with it, Dad? Like, she's coming down here. She's walking down to the edge of the lake. And he's like, Oh, and he just like crumple it and throw it into the woods. I'm like, okay, that's oh, and then you'd go over there and it's just beer cans, like, okay, you're not drinking? Did you quit? Okay, dad.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

Well, like, but he also would eat like a whole chicken and a jar of mayonnaise. Oh, that was when when we fucking showed up to his house. Uh, he was like, Hey, I I'm back here in my man cake or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

And he had his little TV tray thing with the remnants of a whole chicken. A rotisserie chicken and a jar of mayonnaise. Yeah. Or miracle whip. Or was it miracle?

SPEAKER_04 32:26

Probably miracle whip.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

Yeah, miracle whip. Sick. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh my god. It's like, this is how you eat chicken. I'm like, no, it's not.

SPEAKER_04 32:36

Oh my god.

unknown 32:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

Um. Okay, wait, what what story did you want? Oh he broke his neck. Oh fuck. So she would always want to just gamble dad's money away. I mean, all the time. Like, all the time. Every weekend they were going to a freaking casino. And I know they were, I'm sure dad was fairly intoxicated. Well, he was having troubles just walking. I can't remember what happened. Like, I think he did something to his leg or his knee, or I don't know. And so they pull into the casino and she parks right on like next to a curb and just hauls ass inside.

SPEAKER_01 33:26

Wasn't it? Because it was easier for him to get out if he was by the curb. Was it something like that?

SPEAKER_04 33:32

Something like that, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

I don't know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:34

But it was also.

SPEAKER_01 33:35

But she just fucking left.

SPEAKER_04 33:36

She just left.

SPEAKER_01 33:38

And he's taking a long time to get out of.

SPEAKER_04 33:42

Yeah, he was taking too long to get out of the fucking car, the fucking car, truck, whatever. He had like a fucking low rider. It looked like it literally looked like and no offense to the Mexican population, but it was like a low rider.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

It had like the side pan, like that went all the way down in the ground.

SPEAKER_04 34:01

So bad.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:03

So she hauls ass inside. And next thing the story is that somebody from the casino is goes and finds her and says, uh, we have the rescue squad coming. Do you know Ron? And she's like, What? What do you mean? Goes outside. The squad is already there. Dad had stepped off the curb, which I think it was in like it was kind of icy. Stepped off the curb, stumbled forward somehow, smashed his face into the wall, like the building, a brick wall, and broke his neck. Broke his fucking neck.

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Yeah. At fucking 70 something, 76 years old.

SPEAKER_04 34:51

So bad. And then he had that he wore that fucking neck brace. Like Sonny went to go visit him and the kids, and like in every single picture, he just has the neck brace on. It's just like it's so bad.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:05

So bad. But anything for the casino, I mean, and even after dad would wear his neck brace to go to the casino.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

Because that's how they knew him. The guy that smashed his face into their wall. He probably hurt the wall.

SPEAKER_04 35:18

Probably. But I mean, you have to hit a wall real hard to break your neck.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Well, yeah. Well, it probably wouldn't like that much body weight behind it.

SPEAKER_04 35:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:27

Like, because he he was built like a fucking bull.

SPEAKER_04 35:30

He yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

You know.

SPEAKER_04 35:33

Yeah. I mean, that's probably why you were a power lifter.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:37

Seriously, you got dad's jeans. I just got his fucking legs and shoulders.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Well, and I'm fucking getting his giant ass gut.

unknown 35:45

Stop.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

But so this beer's it's gotta be fucking hot by now.

SPEAKER_04 35:51

Uh but we we gotta cheers to well.

SPEAKER_01 35:54

Let me let me read my poem, but we need this for.

SPEAKER_04 35:57

Oh, okay. All right.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

That's awful.

SPEAKER_04 36:04

We there's no way in hell we can drink a whole bud heavy.

unknown 36:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

We are on a diet.

SPEAKER_04 36:10

Yep. And this is not included.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

So So I I wrote a poem.

SPEAKER_04 36:15

So let me I'm really excited about this.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Let me tell you that I was like, you know what? Good old ChatGPT is gonna write a poem for me. I tried a thousand times and I was like, it's not it's not giving my voice. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 36:33

With Chat GPT? Yeah, it was giving like it, it just always seemed fake and not uh I tried to do that, get a little bit of help from with moms, and I'm like, it's just not funny enough.

SPEAKER_01 36:46

Yeah, so I I wrote the it's not very long.

unknown 36:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

Uh yeah, I wrote it last night.

SPEAKER_04 36:53

I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

That's why, like, when when you were texting me, like I was short because I was trying to fucking get this done.

SPEAKER_04 36:59

Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 37:00

Uh you knew me when I was a tiny baby boy with a big fat stinky diaper full of shit. I probably pissed all over my favorite toy. I was pretty fucked up as a kid. As I got older, I didn't know you. Only knew you through the stories they tell. I thought I may never I thought I may have been a Jew. I'm glad you weren't spending life in jail.

SPEAKER_04 37:33

Well, you did sometime.

unknown 37:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

Um We missed out on the normal dad stuff. That's okay. That shit is for pussies anyway. We met later in life, a few years ago actually. I knew you were proud of me for not being gay. Your time is gone, and that's pretty fucked up. Maybe we'll meet again aboard the mothership. Pour up another and raise your glass up. Cheers to Ron. He totally wasn't a bitch. Cheers. Cheers, Dad. Oh, fucking bud heavy. Oh yeah. And it's a little Oh, it's warm. Yeah, it's not crisp.

SPEAKER_04 38:24

He wouldn't care. You put that shit on ice. Milk on ice, Budweiser on ice, anything on ice.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

But we we also uh talked about how Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:36

Um our dad uh gambled and definitely passed on the the gambling.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

So I have experience to us.

SPEAKER_01 38:51

Two scratchers. So excited. What number do you want? 34 or 35.

SPEAKER_04 38:57

Oh, wait, 34 or 35?

SPEAKER_01 38:59

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

Well, you're younger. Give me 35.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

Alright, let's see if dad's magic will work.

SPEAKER_04 39:10

What am I supposed to scratch out?

SPEAKER_01 39:12

The fucking the scratchy part.

SPEAKER_04 39:14

Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

Isn't that how it fucking works?

SPEAKER_04 39:17

Wait, reveal a blank symbol.

SPEAKER_02 39:21

A lightning bolt reveal a five axe. Reveal a blank symbol. Oh god. What the fuck is that? Alright, so mine didn't fucking win nothing.

SPEAKER_04 39:46

Uh wait, aren't you supposed to scratch out the sides?

SPEAKER_01 39:51

The sides?

SPEAKER_02 39:52

You got all this shit.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

Well yeah, but I the bonus is just uh too matching.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

And I definitely didn't get any matching. Come on, Dad. Alright, Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

I actually do, and I keep putting it off.

SPEAKER_02 40:21

We are gonna have to vacuum. Alright, what what do we need? Sevens or no lightning bolts. So how do I know if I won anything on that? No.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

It it's gotta be either a lightning bolt or a five X. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

Did you win anything? No, I fucking lost. Okay, how much are you on? Five dollar. Make you holla. Five dollar? Come on, Dad. Lightning bolt! Did you get one? And we got a five dollar scratch ticket.

SPEAKER_01 41:01

Oh, that's it.

SPEAKER_04 41:01

Well f well, I don't know, I'm not fucking done.

SPEAKER_01 41:04

Well it ain't gonna be two five dollar scratch tickets. No, I think I think I know it.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

Like it's literally just one. You've never done one of these where you went twice? Not not a fucking five dollar scratch twice. Look at you got your your money back on this one. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 41:38

You want a five dollar scratch ticket.

SPEAKER_02 41:40

Fuck yeah!

SPEAKER_04 41:41

Thanks, Dad.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Thanks a lot, Dad.

SPEAKER_04 41:45

Sorry, I've picked the right the correct number. Somebody didn't.

SPEAKER_01 41:51

Uh well, happy Father's Day.

SPEAKER_04 41:55

Happy Father's Day.

SPEAKER_01 41:56

I hope you uh enjoyed hearing us regale on our dead father.

SPEAKER_04 42:01

Yeah. I miss him though. I really do.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

But I mean that's carry on the tradition of not drinking Budweiser, but definitely uh gambling.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:16

And uh fishing for me.

SPEAKER_01 42:18

Oh, I know. Fucking the gambling. Uh what was it? It was like not that too far uh before he died, where he won like six grand at the casino, and that was the first time. What did he say? He's like, Well, it took me 75 years to something.

SPEAKER_04 42:37

I remember one more story before the fucking end of this. Dad came to visit. And like, I don't know, we all met him at like a restaurant or something. And he gets up and he's wearing sweatpants.

SPEAKER_02 42:54

Sweatpants.

SPEAKER_04 42:56

And they were so I'm like, Dad, pull up your pants. Like his ass was hanging out. I'm like, what is going on? And they just kept coming down. And I go, what are you doing? He's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. I'm like, okay. And I see him walking. He's not going to the the direction of the restroom. He's going up to the bar. And I see him just start taking things out of his pocket and putting it up on the bar. And I'm like, what the fuck is he doing? So I walk over there and I'm like, the poor little bartender. She's like, sir, we can't exchange that for cash. He was taking coins. He had so many quarters in his pants from probably the casino or whatever. And it was weighing his fucking pants down. And he was trying to get the girl at the bar to give him cash. And she's like, sir, I don't know what I'm gonna do with 1,000 quarters. And I was like, Dad, it's not a bank. Like, we will go to the bank. Seriously. He's like, she can do it. Come on, sweetie. Come on, sweet. I'm like, Dad, stop it. So embarrassing. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

Jesus. Yeah. Steve was a fucking character.

SPEAKER_04 44:09

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

He was a cartoon character.

SPEAKER_04 44:11

Just the best. But people, even you know, the bar that he would frequent back when he lived out in that little town. To this day, they still remember him. They're like, wait, you're you're the Hulks? Or they called him Elvis. Um, you're the Indian Elvis. Yeah, Indian Elvis, or you're the Hulk's daughter. Like, oh my God. Like, sure am. So there's to you, Dad.

SPEAKER_01 44:38

Yeah. Cheers, Ronald McDonald.

SPEAKER_04 44:42

And to all of you awesome dads out there. You know what? We wouldn't be here if it wouldn't be for sperm.

SPEAKER_01 44:52

Gross.

SPEAKER_04 44:52

Gross. We both thought the same thing. Sick.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

All right. We love each and every one of you, and please pretend to be kind to each other.

SPEAKER_04 45:00

Be a good dad.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Don't be a bad dad.

SPEAKER_04 45:06

I thought that was good.

SPEAKER_01 45:07

Yeah.