Season 2: Episode 5 part 2: loving well doesn’t mean staying quiet

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Welcome to Gracefully Unfiltered, where we talk real life, real faith, and real women. Honest conversations, biblical truth with zero filter. Let's get unfiltered gracefully. Welcome back to Gracefully Unfiltered. This is season two, episode five. We are doing a part two today on loving well doesn't mean staying quiet. We kind of last talked about relationships and what it feels like when you're corrected and how it's different with a relationship versus an acquaintance. And I think we're gonna kind of pick up in how our response is to those scenarios. So something that I have noticed is that whenever you are corrected or somebody does come to you with a correction, it feels safer to just be silent and not say anything in return. Because then you don't put yourself in a weird spot, right?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Like I fall guilty to that.

SPEAKER_05 0:59

You do that all the time. I fall guilty to that 100%.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

And I cannot stand that. I want somebody to talk back.

SPEAKER_05 1:08

But I think fight me!

SPEAKER_01 1:09

But I think part of the talk is for what I dealt with growing up.

unknown 1:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Like as having a father who was a police officer and came in, and sometimes you gotta take that quick second because sometimes the anger may not necessarily be towards you, but at the same time, there is a little bit of frustration, so you just kind of have to take it for a second. But then later on, after things have calmed down and everybody's had a chance to think about it, we end up having a conversation later. So I think that's one of the things of that's a healthy pause.

SPEAKER_05 1:46

Well, yeah, but that's different than staying silent though, because you come back and address it.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Well, I got in trouble growing up to where I was required before I could say anything, I had to sit there and count to five before I was allowed to say something in return.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

That's a good thing. My therapist and psychiatrist would both be like that's healthy.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

My therapist Alyssa would also be to not respond out of anger.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Yes, she every time. Every time you can't take that what you see and send it friends over here. We've been there done that. We have gotten ourselves in trouble. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

We said a lot of things. We've said a lot of things that we regret saying.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

Yes, and you can't take it back once it said it said, which once you've made a fool of yourself, you've made a fool of yourself. You're like, now don't send it yet.

SPEAKER_05 2:38

Let's just read it through one more time.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

And if you still feel that way, I'm just gonna say, I had a friend from church years ago, and he said, If you ever want to know what Kelly's thinking, just read her Facebook. She put us all out there, and I have never forgotten that. I mean, he wasn't being mean about it, we were just kind of laughing, and but I listened to that and I took it and I was like, you know what? Sometimes I do put my thoughts out there a little too much. Some everybody doesn't have to know my opinion on every single thing, you know.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

So since then, were you one of those ones that was like, I'm gonna go take a shower? That was a great shower.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Oh no, nothing topic was like I didn't, it wasn't like she's saying like it wasn't it would be more like in politics in general, it would be um, you know, whatever might be going on in the world, whatever religion spiritual thing. I wish I could be able to do it. But it would be pretty opinionated and pretty, some of it a lot factual, but it was there. I was right, but but I didn't always need to say right. I see what you're saying, and I always didn't need to come back to somebody.

SPEAKER_04 3:59

Yeah, always didn't have to have the comeback. You can tell when Kelly's upset, her face. All you gotta do is look at her face. And like when I first when I first when Derek first met her, I guess I was in church and I was like, ooh, Kelly's mad. He's like, how can you tell? I said, all I gotta do is look at her face. She's mad. And that's when that what was it that's someone said something about kids not being quiet. It's passed away now. Yeah, oh my goodness, Kelly's face turned red. You I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_02 4:32

She was so pissed right now. It happens. I'm trying to get better about it, but no, I'm glad you do it because that way I know when what I need to say and not say.

SPEAKER_05 4:45

So I can tell you like Facebook, like all her about it. But I will say, yeah, because you share, you do share a lot. Like, I mean, I'll get on Facebook because I get notified every time you share something. Isn't that weird? But I think it's because we're friends and I've timed you and things or whatever, and like we've interacted. So, like, but it'll show up in my notifications. Some days I'll like share lots of things, other days it'll be like Kelly shared four links and I'll click on them and I'm like, I know you're having a good day or a bad day based on the quotes that you post or the scripture you post.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Well, I try to share this uh script and SAS every day. A friend of mine that's she's published a book on that. Um, I have her uh devotional book with that, and I like what she shares. 99.9% of the time, every day it's something relatable to me. And I feel like it's gonna be relatable to someone else. So, yes, I'll share that almost every day. But yes, there are scriptures that I'll share, there are quotes that I'll share that you can kind of tell where my mental state is that day. I'm not even gonna share myself, but I am trying to make sure that my direct quotes from me are more tactful or more thought through. Um because not everything has to be said all the time.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

So to everybody, it was probably about my junior high year when I was starting to go like more things involving my mom. And so I had there was a teacher who was kind of like my therapist. He's like, I want you to try something. He's like, I want you to write everything out that you want to say to her, and then bring it to me. So I did, and he lit it on fire, stuck it in the trash. He goes, Do you still still feel better? And I was like, Yeah, yes, I know. So he let me do that each time, it just happened. I got toed. Yeah. It's weird. But he did that. He told me he's like, any letter, just bring it in, let me know. Like we figured out a spot. He birded in the trash.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

I don't post anything about what's going on with me unless it's good, like my Yeehaw meme all days, and yeah, because I get real with people on there sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

I don't want people knowing my business. I think sometimes you need that connection with people on there because there are other people out there that are scared to say sometimes, like my divorce, the stuff that we've been going through. I haven't posted my specific thoughts on that, except one time, and that was here I am, post-surgery, middle of divorce, but I didn't go into specifics about what has happened. Now, did my phone blow up as soon as people read that post? Because I hadn't been on Facebook for like a lot in almost a year, and did my phone blow up? Did my uh messaging blow up? Oh, yeah. People are like, what's going on? I had no idea. Did I tell some people individually more specific things? Yes, but it was based on a relationship uh status, like how closely how close I was to those certain people. Different people got different bits, yeah. I don't really care, who knows? Yeah, but you were selective though, and I'm still gonna be selective and eventually everybody will. No, and I don't really care.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Kelly's memoir.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

I'll be in it for sure. Elise will be your ghostwriter. Should have been on datelines, what it's gonna be called. Elise will be your ghostwriter.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Gro trip.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Ghostwriter.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

You could be my beta reader, Megan. There you go.

SPEAKER_05 8:33

Going back to how we respond to correction, we talked about silence, and I think that silence can actually be more damaging sometimes. So in Ezekiel 33, it talks about the watchman, how if he sees danger coming and doesn't warn the people, he's the one that's held responsible. I'll like that verse. Yes, always like that verse. So I think that it is very important to say what you need to say biblically.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

You're truly wrong. You're never wrong for speaking the truth. Yes. You can be wrong in how you present the truth, yes, but you are never ever wrong for speaking the truth. So why can you stand on that till the day I die? The way you deliver it. Your your delivery could always use some work on any of us. But speaking the truth, yes, even on you, Alyssa, even your daughter.

SPEAKER_05 9:30

So saying nothing might keep the peace temporarily, but it doesn't always keep people safe spiritually.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

Well, it's not because the person typically that's being silent is building up bitterness and anger and all these negative feelings, and then when they do explode, you're sinning in your anger.

unknown 9:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Because typically you're not going to speak kindly when that anger, it's not wrong to be angry. You're not sinning by being angry, but you, me, we're gonna, you're typically gonna sin in that anger because it has built up and just bubbled up.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

But it's almost like you need to stay silent just long enough for you to get your words right. I like calling that a pause though. But you like right. So it's almost like um, because I just thought, you know, like when you take water on the edge of something, you can continue to add it before it spills over.

SPEAKER_05 10:27

So it's almost like you're on that fine line before it just but like Kelly said, like that is a pause because if you were to stay silent, that would be never addressing it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

You know, whereas like whenever we correct or speak in love to our friends or coworkers or whoever, you know, I mean And your pause may be five minutes, your pause may be a week or two, right until you get those thoughts together and can right um healthily express them. I'm spiritually.

SPEAKER_05 11:01

How'd you say it? To pause. No, to healthfully express yeah, to helpfully ex healthfully express your thought.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

That's not therapy words. They like thanks, Scott and Brian.

SPEAKER_05 11:18

Yeah, the other show be like, see, I used to lose my words. I do think that the intention of how we correct is also extremely important. So correction never should come from being proud or thinking that you're better here than somebody else.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

Yes. Intention's everything. I can take someone's intention behind them telling me the truth, sharing the truth. I can give their intention so much great or give their delivery so much grace when I know their intention. Because we all know some people, especially a few men, and even some women, they can be very gruff and very harsh in how they present the truth, but I know their intention, and that intention allows me to extend some grace in what they're saying to me.

SPEAKER_05 12:24

But you know the intention because of that relationship that you have with that person, yes, and not everybody does, right? Well, so whenever it comes to a stranger, you know, and you're wanting to spiritually save them, they don't look at it that way. You know, you're right, that that's very true. That's a very good point. That wasn't I wasn't making a point to what you were saying, I was saying like it helps to have that relationship, so like as a Christian or a brother and sister in Christ, but you make a very good point that's not everybody's got that has that same relationship yet, and that's where we have to be aware of our own communication skills or lack thereof and presenting it to others. Galatians 6 1 actually goes along with that, and I didn't even realize that. But it says if someone is caught in sin, those who are spiritual should restore them gently while watching themselves. So, I mean, the Bible even talks about ways to address people who are not necessarily in a spiritual relationship, you know. I think that's something to consider.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Well, if it wasn't important, it wouldn't be in scripture, exactly. Exactly. That's how Jesus um taught the apostles to address others. That's how Jesus addressed others whenever he the lady, uh the woman at the will.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

You know, he wasn't harsh to her. This is because it just popped in my head. So if I'm wrong, definitely say, but is it the same way as like how Jesus treated Judas, even though he knew he was going to but he was trying to do this to me, you're still at my table. Yeah, but I forgive you.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

Yeah, he knew it had to be done in order for God's will to be completed. But he still chose Judas. Judas had a purpose in fulfilling scripture. But he was just calm, but he taught others along the way too, you know, like he was yeah, he did good along the way, but he just fell into human nature, you brought it all sometimes to you, the woman of the well, yes, okay.

SPEAKER_05 14:47

So you know how he said, like, neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more. But in this day and age, everyone is fine to the here, then neither do I condemn you part, but then the go and send no more part. I know they like completely ignore it. No, they do, they do, but that's the hard part, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

People don't want to do the go and sin no more, exactly. Yeah, because they really don't feel like what they're doing is a sin.

SPEAKER_05 15:18

Well, God gives us grace for all the things, and I think that it's important to note that he doesn't ignore the sin itself, he just loves us enough to not leave us in it, which is what he did with the woman at the well. Like, you know, I'm not gonna condemn you, but go into no more. Just stop. You know, it's like a really good parent. Yeah. Like, you know, I appreciate that you're here right now and I love you. Don't do it again. Whip you do. In Hebrews 12, it talks about discipline, how it's painful in the moment but produces righteousness. And I think that goes hand in hand with how change is uncomfortable. So whenever you're corrected or you're told, hey, you need to do this, or utilize discernment in this situation, especially by a Christian, it is hard to do.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Well, and I think part of it is because we feel a little bit maybe embarrassed sometimes. Yes, that that somebody's calling us out that we didn't do the right thing. And I think there's a lot of shame and guilt embarrassment that goes along with being a Christian that's not necessary. That is, yes, should you sometimes feel ashamed of your actions, but should you always be stuck in shame? You're not you're not supposed to be stuck there. You feel ashamed, you repent, and that shame and guilt should be there no longer. But I think we get stuck with it sometimes, and then when we do make a mistake and somebody corrects us or brings it out, or um, you know, we're we're embarrassed. We're embarrassed that maybe we didn't know better, or we're embarrassed that oh my goodness, I was raised in church, I was raised here, I should have known better.

SPEAKER_05 17:02

So that's what I was gonna say. Like, it's worse whenever it's with someone who isn't a Christian, and you kind of get caught being not very Christian, and then you are embarrassed because you're like, I just misrepresented Christ to somebody, and I mean that sticks with you, and it's not like it was intentional, where we go back to you know, intent is really everything. Like, I mean, you've got and that's I mean, they say that even in law. I mean you have to prove intent before anything else, you know. I just man, I don't know. It it's especially hard when you're told that you are wrong or incorrect, and then you know that you've misrepresented.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

I don't know, but again, there's grace for that because God knows we're human.

SPEAKER_05 17:53

So if you're listening today and something that we have said has made you uncomfortable. If it made you uncomfortable, don't brush it off. Sit with it, pray about it, pray for us. Ask God what He's refining, not what you need to defend, because real love doesn't leave us stuck, and truth is not meant to wound, it's meant to heal. Thanks for being with us here today. This has been Gracefully Unfiltered.

unknown 18:21

Bye.