Being Misunderstood

I used to always defend my character when I was a lot younger. I always struggled with people having an opinion about my character and would become upset. Now having to be older and more mature and less emotional, I came to understand that it’s not a personal attack. It’s more of a reflection, so I stopped defending myself. But lately a lot has been thrown at me that I felt expressing myself one last time about me. Because who I was 5, 10 years ago, I’m not that anymore. Not for quite some time. So come with me as I express some frustration about my character. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi free spirits, welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. And to all my new free spirits, hi guys, welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. How is all my free spirits doing? It's almost the end of the month. It's gonna be a new beginning. It's gonna be May. I feel like, and I've been saying this for a while, all these days have been going by quick. The summer is coming, and I am not excited because I hate the heat. The heat irritates me, it gets me so so moody. So for sure, I am staying in all day, every day for summer. Just kidding. How's everyone doing? Um, I've been okay, I've been enjoying life lately. Been going out a little bit, staying a little focused, you know, dealing with some stuff right now, but um handle it pretty well. But on today's episode, I did want to talk about myself, about certain things that I feel have been happening throughout my whole life, especially now uh being able to express myself a little more with what my heart is feeling and what's on my mind. But I feel like all my life I've been misunderstood as a person, as my persona, as my heart, as my actions towards people, and I feel like I wanted to take the opportunity to kind of I don't know if it's defend myself or just explain myself for once and for all, and the one and only time because I used to do that a lot back then when I was younger, was always constantly having to defend myself and my character, uh, and then I stopped maybe like five years ago, and even more so in the last three years, I just haven't had the energy to want to, you know, defend myself from anybody, not even my own family. But what sparked his idea was the fact that the other day, you know, I was recording with you know a certain podcaster, and we were talking about the subject and about certain things that I was requesting for me to, you know, for them to edit out of the video, and it kind of felt like I was getting pushback, um, like they were getting defensive about me requesting that. And it wasn't even anything major, guys. It was just something, you know, something that was like in five seconds, and I was like, you know what, take that out. There's no need for me to open up that counter warmth. Uh, I just want to leave it as is. And this person started going off about, oh well, it seems to me like you're and I healed. And I was just like, huh? I was just like, what do you mean? Um, basically, they were just stating that, oh, the fact that I can just go along with it and just let it be, that I'm not healed, and that I still carry my trauma. And I was just like, no, like you're misunderstanding what I'm asking. Like, I don't I don't give a fuck, you know, what you feel or what you think. I know what I've done with myself, God knows what I've done with myself, and I don't need no other person, not even my partner, my friends, or my family to tell me otherwise because I know that I've I've done the work within myself for people to to basically attack the character that I'm trying to present now because I am not the same person that I used to be back in the days. Because I, you know, I agree, you know, and I've I and I've admitted before in the past, and I've I also admitted you know to this new broadcaster in that video. If you know they posted that um that I used to be a really ugly person back in the days, you know, I was still similar to the person that I am, the heart that I am that I have now. It's just that back then I used to wear my heart in my sleeve a lot, meaning that I was very in a very, very emotional person, and I was always giving you attitude and always trying to defend everything and everything all things that I would say. And um basically is that in the last year, excuse me, that I did begin to really be deep really into my spiritual side and wanting to heal myself, where everybody around me in my circle, and including people that don't know me, tend to think that I'm not healed, and it kind of frustrates me. But I've noticed that I don't react anymore. Where they're constantly throwing in my face, like, oh you're not healed. Oh, look at you, this and this and this and that. And I'm just like, why do the why do people always do that? Including people that supposedly supposedly are are meant to love you, like why are they your biggest enemies? Why are they the ones that are always trying to bring flaws about you up? And honestly, honestly speaking, the flaws that are brought up around the circle that I'm with now, like my family and my partner, are things that I used to be back in the days, like for instance with my family today, they still compare me to someone that I used to be six years ago. And I'm just like, why do why do they continue to be this way when I know for a fact that I have not shown them that side of me that I used to be in so many years? Okay, as far as my partner, I feel like with him, he based that opinion about me based off what I told them of myself. Because I'm an open book, I I I tend to share overshare too much stuff that I shouldn't be sharing, and this and it's not for me, it has never been to be like, oh my god, pobrecito, like he's gone through this and this and that. For me, it's just more like you know, this is what I've gone through, this is my story. Uh, what is it that you have to offer to me? How can you make me a better person? So I did that with my partner. Uh, and then obviously, you know, moving in and stuff like that, that was used against me. Um, and I feel like it has been used against me, and obviously having to live with this person every day and and defend myself, you know, we created our own little issues here and there. But it's just like I know for a fact that I I I within myself, I feel and I know that I've made many changes within my relationship, with my family, to the point where I don't give in to none of their bullshit anymore, none none of their fights, none of their tantrums. I walk away from from from things because I know how I am as a person when I am upset. I will talk shit to you, I will talk your truth when I lie to you in your face to make you feel good. You know what I mean? Meaning you ask me something and I'll lie to you. So you know, I'm the type of person like I I'll keep it real with you to a certain extent because I still take people's feelings into consideration. But when the moment comes when I'm upset and I'm just like, okay, bitch, like I'm not gonna show record it for you, I'm gonna tell you how it is, and then people don't like it because then they're like, Well, you're just being a bitch now, you know. But um, but I just sparked, I don't know that that that but that episode that I recorded with that person kind of sparked a little like frustration, and I was just like, Man, like where how where in the world did this person even get the idea that I wasn't healed? No one's ever no one, and I mean no one is ever 100% healed from nothing. We're all humans, we all tend to feel things and hold on to things even though we say we don't and we have let it go partially, we still have that little seed there. So for people to sit there and act like oh my god, like we're if I'm 1000% healed. No, the fuck you're not. No one no one's ever perfect 100%. No one's perfect in this world, and people that do claim to are the most broken ones, you know. Um but it's just it's just it frustrated me because I'm just like I I'm tired of of having to fight back with people that are supposed to love me and protect me at all cost, period, you know, and uh lately I've been in my head a lot about really disappearing and not wanting to be around nobody, not even in a relationship, not with my family. I feel like I I'm I'm starting to want to isolate myself from the world. I hate being out in the world, guys. I hate being in stores, I hate being out in public, I hate everything about humans because humans are just becoming so nasty now these days, and it's just like it's also becoming so nasty within your own circle, and I'm just I don't know. This person is not the first person that has told me anything about my podcast. There's also been another individual that I'm not gonna mention their name where they feel like they always want to talk shit about everything that I'm doing as far as like my projects. Um, I see it as more like it's a jealousy thing, it's more because I'm actually being authentic to myself now and actually being open about certain things. Like I've admitted my flaws, I've admitted, you know, my mistakes. Like I've never had an issue admitting my mistakes ever. I feel like that's what help has helped me grow in within myself as a human being. It's just admitting and accepting the fact that I'm not perfect and I'm not ever going to be perfect, that I'm gonna continue making mistakes, you know. But this certain individual uh once told me, well, they told me last week that um I shouldn't be doing none of this because I'm not healed, that I shouldn't uh no, I I can't be preaching this when I'm not 100% healed, and I'm just like, well, fuck off, first of all. I never I never ever claimed to be uh 100% healed. Again, no one is ever 100% healed. I started the podcast with the intent of, and I was even expressive about in a few first episodes that I am in a healing journey and I'm still learning, I'm in the process. I'm gonna share live experiences, things that I've gone through, mean while still having to fucking deal with life because life is forever challenging, you know, it's never easy. Life would always challenge you, and it has been challenging ever since I started my healing process, and I feel like it's been more challenging than it has been before I even started to heal. And I know that that's the universe's way of pushing your boundaries, pushing you to your you to your limits, and it's up to us how we handle it. I'm proud of myself because I feel like in the last year and a half I've been handling a lot of things and a lot of people, way different than I used to be back in the days. Um, so fuck you. A big fuck you to everybody that doubts me all the time. I always come up on top from everything, and honestly, like I don't care to defend myself, I just care to explain the misunderstanding of me as a person. I've never ever needed anybody ever in my life. I've been pushed to do my own thing since I was 13, 14 when I started working under the table for a restaurant. When that's when I quickly realized that I had to handle life by myself. That's including my goddamn emotions, that's including dark moments, that's including depression, that's including you know suicidal. Because for a while there, I was suicidal. No one fucking knew that. No one knew that. The only person that knew that was my ex-husband because he's the one that dealt with it in those 10 years we were together. I was suicidal, guys. I was really, I was very suicidal. I was constantly cutting myself. I have cuts all over my body where I was constantly cutting myself thinking that I wanted to hurt myself, you know, and unfortunately, this person had to deal with that, and I'm very sorry. I also mentioned that in the podcast that was recorded live. You know, it's part of my journey, so like I just you know, I was never a perfect person ever. Was I all smiles in public and and happiness around people? Absolutely. I was really, really great at hiding uh that kind of stuff, but I still carried that damn fucking attitude with me, you know, and I and my and it would always show up my special uh facial expressions, but I don't identify with that pretend anymore. I'm a completely different person. I've gone to I've been going to therapy since 2017, guys. Since 2017, so nearly 10 years, I've been going to therapy. My partner doesn't know that I do therapies behind his back, I do them via uh FaceTime with my therapist from the Bay Area. Shout out to Valerie. I continue to have the relationship and uh with my therapist and continue doing these sessions. You know, I don't do it often, I do whenever I have extra money, and and you know, and I do it you know in the car when I'm on my way to my mom's house. When I'm outside my mom's house, you know, I'm sitting in my car and I'm talking to her and just expressing to her certain things that that that that are going on in my life, and I came to the conclusion that I'm surrounded by people that are just as broken as I used to be, so I became more understanding of why people maneuver a certain way or why they act in a certain way when it comes to my mom, my grandma, uh my siblings, uh, my partner. Uh they all have issues that they need to face on their own. But who am I to tell them anything? You know, like I'm not the type of person to be here and be like, fuck you, and this and this and that, you have the la la la la la la. I have said some mean things to my partner in the spare of the moment when I'm upset, but but that's because my buttons are already pushed. Because my my partner had tends to be those persons that go from zero to a hundred, they don't know how to control their emotions. So he says some off the wall stuff, and obviously, you know, I'm very I'm very, very good at walking away when people get like that, and people tend to be like, Oh, you're a pussy, you're immature, la la la la. And I was like, no, immature is what you're doing. I'm being the bigger person and I'm walking away. I have no need to feed into no one's bullshit, no need to bring no one down. Um, because I know how that feels, because I've been judged and misunderstood all my life since I was a kid, from my own family, from being at school being bullied for so many years, because for so many years I didn't have friends, I didn't have friends, I was constantly being bullied at school. I was thrown into trash cans constantly, guys. I was always getting trash cans being flipped onto me, trash being thrown at me, milks being popped at me, chips being thrown at me, mud, everything you can think of. I've gotten jumped in the locker rooms just because I'm because I was gay me, you know, and it's just it just it's just comes to a point where I'm just like I don't I don't feel the need to get myself into that level like them, like my like everybody around me. Like I don't feel the need to get myself into that level where I'm gonna make you feel like you're pathetic and you're nothing. Because I know what that feels like, you know. I've been there, I've done that. I don't want to do that to nobody, and that's exactly why I feel like I've always gone out of my way to be there for people, regardless of what's been done to me, because I know what it feels like to not have anybody in your corner. Like it's an ugly feeling to have to think that I have to handle a lot of things on my own. Like, I never really had nobody, like even in my last relationship, even though I was there for 10 years, I had to figure things out on my own. I always had to figure things out on my own, even with my current partner now. I have to figure things out on my own. I don't have a support system, I never had a support system, which is okay because my only support system has always been God. God and my ancestors and the higher power has always been there for me. They've never failed me through my darkest moments. God has made himself very present in my life to let me know that I am not by myself, and that's why I've never felt alone. I felt like I've always been guided to the to the direction that I needed to, or even be put with people that I needed to wake up things within mess within myself, you know, but it's kind of frustrating because it's like every time I try to hang out with family or or or even do something like with my partner, it's just like it's always everything that I do is like always misconstrued, and it's always like turning to something else when I know that my attentions are never bad, I know that my attentions are never ill. Um and even now that I'm healed, like it's like people are constantly trying to pick at stuff, and it's always just because and I feel like it's like oh, like people just feel like this fool thinks he's better than us, so let's go ahead and destroy him, kind of thing, you know. That's what it feels like. But the best reaction is not giving them a reaction, it's just staying quiet, to be honest with you. Of how I used to be in my 20s, um, and even when I was younger, because I agree with them, you know, I was a hot fucking mess back in the days. Because being around my family, guys, you have to have thick skinned, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people in within their own families deal with this, but my family is a they're big shit talkers, they talk shit about everything, whether you're doing good or bad in life, they would always find something to talk shit about, and they need to understand, and I've been vocal with them that what they do sometimes is not okay, it's not okay. I don't agree with them, but it's just who they are. I can't change who they are, you know what I mean? The only they can change who they are. This is why I stay away. And yes, mom, brothers, because you guys always rub that on my face now that this is the reason why he doesn't come. Yes, I don't come because I don't feel like I want to be around that energy all the time either. You know, I sometimes deal with that with my own partner, and sometimes I don't even want to deal with him because when I was in my own apartment, I was peaceful. I didn't have anybody down my throat, I didn't have nobody telling me otherwise about myself when I knew that I was trying to make changes within myself, which I'm very, very, very thankful for those moments for that opportunity that I had when I was living in my apartment. When, you know, as most of you guys know, my you know, I had gotten an apartment with my best friend back in 2020 during COVID. I want to say maybe six months into it, she moved out and got her own place because she felt like her and her kids needed something, you know, bigger for themselves because they were sharing their room. So I ended up keeping the apartment by myself. And I struggled a lot. Uh, a lot of dark moments were spent in that apartment. Um, I was going through this big breakup from being with someone for 10 years, seeing them every single day uh for 10 years, doing everything with them for 10 years, holidays, birthdays, whatever occasion it was, you know, being with that person 24-7 to you know, being by myself, and at the same time, you know, like I said before, I was dealing with family bullshit that I wasn't allowed to come around. So I also, you know, had to lose pull away from my family for the first time in my life, because it was also a shock to me, you know. And um, I spent so many depressed days in my apartment. I wouldn't even go out. Yes, I would post here and there that I would go out with my friends, but I feel like that was more of a distraction of what I was feeling because I didn't want to feel it. Because when I was home, I was just always in bed, guys. I was always just in bed crying, feeling frustrated, feeling sad of what the hell was going on with life, trying to understand why it was happening, and then now you know, having to be in this healing era of myself, I came to realize that that was God's way of pulling me out of a toxic cycle that I was in, so I can actually learn about myself of the things that I love for the things that I want to do, things that I don't agree with. You know, basically the changes that I'm dealing with now with my family. And I'm thankful for that because if I feel like if that would have never happened, I would probably still be there with my family. I probably still have this nasty ass attitude, you know, always grumpy. Um now I'm very quiet, even around my own house with my partner, and people tend to think that it's me just having an attitude. In reality, guys, I wake up in the last maybe year and a half. I've been waking up every single day feeling so peaceful and so thankful to have to wake up and see another day again and retry this bullshit life again, you know, to be a different person, to do some things different from before. And sometimes I'm just quiet because I'm so at peace that I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like saying nothing. I'll smile you, I'll say good morning, whatever. But it's just sometimes I'm just really peaceful and I'm just like, uh, another day, you know, it's beautiful. I get to live again, I get you know, I get to breathe again, I get to shower again, I get to, you know, everything that I do in a daily basis, and I'm thankful for it, and I've been thankful for it every single day. And just you know, people misunderstand the difference. I get it that back in the days. I even told myself back in the days when I started to change, like, why the fuck do you wake up with an attitude every day? Do you hate life that much? Do you not like living? Like, I would wake up with an attitude, guys, like constantly. Like, I'm not gonna lie, like I was constantly always waking up with an attitude or didn't want to deal with nobody, and etc. You know, and and and then now, like, I see that within my partner because my partner guy sometimes he wakes up and he's just in it's majority of the time that he wakes up in this funk. Um he has always been this way, and I've always brought it up to him, and he always gets defensive. And I'm just like, I don't tell you to be a bitch, I'm telling you so you can notice like hey, like, I don't understand why you wake up so unhappy. Now that he's grieving, I try not to question anymore. I can read the room and I don't say nothing, I just go about my day. And it just, you know, if he brings it up later, okay. If he doesn't, whatever. I just don't, you know, I don't want to poke the bear. I don't want to poke the bear in. I don't want to poke the bear with my partner, I don't want to poke the bear in my family. This is why I keep it cordial with them and cordial with my partner. I'm just like, I don't have the time and energy to want to deal with no one's bullshit. I don't even want to deal with my own mind sometimes, guys. Who I mean who does, you know? Life is it life is already hard as it is mentally to have to go out in the world and deal with fucking people's bullshit and sometimes even the bullshit within your own circle, like it's just it's too much sometimes, you know. It's just it's bittersweet. I love I love my partner and I love my family, so sometimes I do want space and I want to be the fuck away from everybody because they are very hard to deal with at times. But I do want to take the time to reintroduce myself to the world that's including my family and my partner, since you guys are all too busy dealing with your internal demons, because we all have internal demons, including myself. I am Sergio, I'm the oldest of four children, two Esmeralda and Sergio. I'm a wonderful person, I am very loving, very caring, very spiritual, very, very supportive. I am very family oriented. I am a very understanding person, very charismatic. I love to make people laugh, I love to entertain. Um my purpose in life right now, I'm trying to understand it, but for what I'm trying to gather now, and I feel like I'm trying to share my life with people to help younger generations or even elder generations, but just to help people in general to open up about anything they're going through. Because a lot of us victims, we are put in a situation where we're silenced, we're not allowed to talk. A lot of the times it's it has to do with the cultures that we go in, where we're not able to express because it's it's you know, that's not how they were taught. So we have to be taught the same way to just stay silent. Me sharing my story, guys, does not make anybody around my circle or anybody that has intentionally or unintentionally done things to me bad people. It's just my story, it's my story that I'm sharing, it's what's had happened to me in the past, what has happened to me, what is happening to me. And I'm just sharing it so I can relate with other people. Because that's that's what we're supposed to do as humans is help each other out, and I don't think people think I don't think people understand that, including my own family. Because even now, they even throw it in my face like, oh, you're just doing it to be famous, you're just doing it to to make money. Absolutely fucking not. My podcast is being played in 30 different countries all around the world, guys, in a hundred different cities. I had the program that I am in asked me multiple times to sign up for this program that they have, which is you know, to start collecting money for the plays, the views, and all that stuff. And I got that real literally three months into me doing the podcast. We're already eight months into the podcast. I hadn't even bothered even touching that because I within myself even told God that if if if this was meant to me, if he opened this door and opportunity for me, that I wasn't gonna make it about the money, I was gonna make it about the mission. Obviously, the money's gonna come. I would accept it, absolutely, you know, because everybody does it around the world, yeah, you know. My family doesn't understand why I'm doing it, and that's okay. This is the whole purpose of the podcast, is to help people understand why I'm doing it, including my own family, you know. I just want to heal myself, I want to heal myself at the same time. I want to help other people's heal, and and and it's not in any bad intentions towards anybody. I don't want nobody to get hurt, I don't want nobody to get tugged down to, especially my family. If I do happen to share some information about my family there, which I am very careful and selective of what I say because I don't want to ring ruin nobody's character or even their process or even their journey. If my brothers or my mom are going through their own healing journey, like I don't want to be that person to be like, oh, like they're a better person, go ahead and tell them something. Absolutely not, because I'll be the first front, I will be for first person in line, front and center, to slap you or talk shit to you if you say anything about my own family. Because the end of the day, that's still my blood. And then the day, regardless how outcasted I have been put out of the family, regardless how much they I don't know, whatever they feel towards me. I as a person, me as a human being, me as Sergio, me as my soul, my soul, whatever my soul names, my spirit's name is. I as a as a human being, as a soul, I want to love wholeheartedly through everything and anything when it comes to my family. But when it comes to the world, I have to be careful with because in the last few months, guys, I have been shown from humans that I work around with how ugly and nasty people can be. And sometimes I don't even have to say anything, like I just walk into the room and I become the problem, you know. And I've I myself, like, I'm I'm choosing not to be that way, I'm choosing not to let anger, lust, um obsession, uh whatever you may you want to call it, get to me or to consume me because I I I don't. I've been through that phase of you know anger. I've been through that phase of lust and sexual activities where yes, there's a point in life, guys, okay, before I got into this relationship where I was, you know, I was stuck in a relationship for a really long time. So I was experimenting, I was having fun, you know. But what with this what this whole fucking gay world is is known for is you know sexual activities. I've done that, I've been there and done that. It was good in the moment, you know, duh. It's good in the moment, but after I felt so fucking ugly, guys, so fucking nasty, so fucking disgusting, and I'm a I'm a core, like hardcore believer that you can pick up on people's energies, and I felt like every time I slept with someone, I would consume their bad energy. And I feel like I've always been that way with people around me, like I always consume people's bad energy, and I hate that. When I quickly understood that, I stopped, I stopped hooking up with people because I was like, fuck, like I don't I don't want to be this, like I don't want to be collecting people's energy or bad luck or anything, like I just I want to be me, you know. I'm not perfect, guys. I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be perfect, so that's why when people when people including my family tend to always think like or they're very vocal of of of saying that oh you just think you're perfect. I'm just like, when have I ever mentioned that I'm perfect? Because I'm not, maybe because I'm very, very private of my life, I'm very selective of what I'm gonna let you know about my life. Maybe that's where you're getting the idea that I'm that I think I'm better, but I'm just like I've never vocally or intentionally or even in anything have ever posted that I'm perfect because I'm not, I'm not, I'm nothing perfect. I just feel like I'm like everybody else, a child of God. I'm learning, I'm trying to understand my purpose here on earth because we all have here uh you know, we all have a purpose. I've said it before, we all have a purpose here. God is everywhere, you are God, your clothing is God, your house is God, your bed is God, God is everywhere, guys. You know what I mean? It's just it's frustrating that I constantly have to be dealing with people trying to bring me down when I know that I'm not that anymore. And it's crazy because it's only my friends, my immediate friends, my close friends, all my girls are the only ones that have been through everything with me, even with relationships and my family. And they even tell me, like, we see the difference, and we still see the same you, the same heart, but we just see you different in a sense of you've grown and you've matured and you've handled life a little different, but it's still the same you, you know. I feel that within myself, and it feels good that my own circle, the people that really do know me know my motives, know my heart really well. And I wish that my partner and my family took the opportunity and time to get to know my heart more, you know, because I'm not I'm not a bad person. I love heart, I love heart, I never stop loving, you know. It's just it's it's been always been installed in me. Like, for instance, like my mom doesn't understand why I have the need to still be there for my father now that he's you know struggling with his health and stuff, like she doesn't understand, and she became frustrated with me recently about that. Where you know, we we didn't talk maybe for a few weeks, maybe three weeks, almost a month, for that specific reason. Um and I don't feel the need to express to her anything about it because this is my healing journey, this is my reasons of why I'm choosing to have a relationship with my dad. Because, quite frankly, guys, if if if I was that nasty, ugly person or grudgeful person, my I don't think my father deserves a second chance. I don't feel my dad deserves um my love and attention or my financial help. He doesn't deserve it. If everybody in in reality, if people really knew the my abuse, some of my abuse, which I don't want to go into detail because I'm gonna wait till the right moment to talk to you guys about that, actually started with my own father before I was even molested. So a lot of my abuse had started happening with my father, and it and it and it continued all through life throughout to when I was 14, and then he disappeared, and throughout obviously, before I was 14, my parents had separated. My dad was never there from my mom or us financially or in any way. So, yes, if I was there with my family, he doesn't deserve it. You don't even deserve for me to talk to him. So I agree with you, mom. You know, I agree with you, he doesn't deserve it. But who am I to judge him? You know, my mom has gone through her own things. My mom is the way she is because she's gone through stuff. Who am I to judge her? My dad did what he could, the best he could, because that's all he knew. Who am I to judge him? For the things that my parents chose to do with their lives, which is having kids, having us, whatever reason it was, maybe they were maybe they were horny in the moment and thought they were meant to be, I don't know. But who am I to judge them for the choices and the life that they choose to live? And in the end of the day, that's my mom and my dad. And in the end of the day, if it wasn't for them two, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't even I wouldn't even exist. So for me to hold it a grudge against both of them because they both had their way of not being present in our lives. I'm not gonna be here and hold that over my parents' head because I know that my dad was always struggling and fighting with his own internal demons, and unfortunately, it consumed him to this point. But now it's you know, he's dealing with that in with his own health. And my mom just, you know, she was being a good parent, she was being a good mom, and she was working two jobs, so she was never home. She had to provide for me and my brothers. So who am I to to tell my mom like fuck like you were never you were never there for me, like fuck you. No, like I don't know if it's because I'm the oldest and I had I had to like step up and kind of help her with my siblings. That I don't see that way with her. If anything, like I appreciate her more than ever. Because she made sure that we had a roof over her head. Yeah, we were renting a room in places, and we were all you know, all five of us would be in a bedroom, um, or cramped in there, but we had a roof over our head, we had a bed to sleep in, we had blankets that kept us warm. Yes, my mom used to go to thrift shops or whatever the hell you guys want to call it, and you know, we used to buy shirts that were like five for 10 bucks, and they were like you know, cheap, thin material, and and you know, and cheap shoes. There were like you know, four pairs for like 30 bucks. But I was happy, I was thankful, I was stylish. I had something to cover my butt. You know, I had shoes to have my feet to keep warm. I'm thankful for it all. I'm thankful for it all. I know where I come from, and I'm and I'm really appreciative of where I come from. I'm not embarrassed either. I'm not embarrassed, I'm proud of where I come from. I hate how life turned out because we're not what I used to think we used to be. Um family doesn't seem to be more important anymore within our own family, and I'm pretty sure it's not I'm we're not the only family that deals with this, but things are just not the same anymore, you know. People grow, people change, you know, within my own family. I I I just feel people grow, people haven't changed, but people have grown, you know, we're all getting older, but they haven't decided to make you know any changes with themselves, and I'm no one to judge them, I'm no one to bring them down, I'm no one to mess around and talk shit about their flaws because I know that they're already dealing with their own internal demons. Why am I gonna go feed more into it? You know why, why? Um, and it goes back to the same thing. I know how it feels, I know how it feels when people are down your throat. So, again, I'm considerate about my family's feelings, even people around me. I'm I'm a very considerate person, I don't intentionally ever want to hurt anybody or bring any negative energy to anybody, it's just not who I am. I'm different. Yes, I am very, very different from my own family. I have always been, you know, and I used to think I know this is stupid and funny, but uh, I used to think one of my siblings were the black sheep of the family, but then now thinking back of everything that has been aligned for all of us, or even for me, I'm just like, oh shit, like I I've been the black sheep of the family. Uh I guess we've always misinterpreted that black sheep in a different way, but I don't know, maybe maybe all my siblings feel the same way. I don't know. I don't talk to my siblings, I don't have a relationship with my brothers. Never have. In this healing journey, I have tried having a relationship with my siblings. I even started a grim message with just my siblings and my mom. Another grip message was just me and my siblings, and for a while there it on a daily basis, I was messaging them, telling them I love you, you know, trying to get them some inspiration in the beginning of the day. And one, you know, one will like it, the other one will respond, the other one wouldn't say anything, and eventually it just turned to you know, not even four days later, they all started, they all stopped responding. With my mom, same thing. I had my moments where I would go on and off and text her every single morning, try to be positive with her. Sometimes she wouldn't respond, sometimes she wouldn't say anything. Some family drama would happen, we wouldn't talk, and then now I made an admission. Even when she wasn't talking to me recently about my last thing, I was constantly texting her, hi mom, good morning, have a great day. She wouldn't respond to me because my mom's a mulah, you know, she's a woman, so she's a mulah, and she wouldn't respond. And you know, finally I started telling her, like, hey bro, like, you know, like I love you, like, I don't want to spend life like this with you or my siblings, and to be honest with you, and I've mentioned this before in my podcast, or even in the podcast that I've recorded with this per individual, um, I've I've had mentioned like seeing my brother-in-law pass away, that was my very first, it wasn't my first funeral, but it was my very first encounter with watching a human go lifeless. Seeing my brother-in-law pass away is what made me want to change. When I kept questioning my healing journey, when I was questioning you know life, this happened. In that moment, my partner and I were dealing with a lot of things. I was ready to leave him. I really was. I was checked out, I didn't even want to try. I I didn't want to do nothing because it was that bad already that I was just like, fuck this, like, I'm not I'm not going to do this anymore. And you know, God presented me with this opportunity. And I I took it as if it was my wake up call telling me, like, you need to fucking change, like, you need to be different. That's within yourself. Stop fucking. Worrying about your family, stop worrying about your partner, stop worrying about anything. You need to change within yourself and be different because life is short. That taught me a lot, honestly. And that's what made me want to change in my family. That's what made me want to heal. That's what made me get closer to God. That's what made me just want to be different. Because that woke me up, that woke something up inside me and none me for a while. I didn't know how to handle it, how to watch a human go lifeless, watching them turn different colors until they're not there anymore. You know, and I had experienced this all over again a year later with my mother-in-law again with my partner, and that pushed me even more to be like, I cannot hold any grudges, I cannot be anyway with my own family. I just have to learn to love them from afar, but be present still because life is fucking short, guys. Life is short, life is a moment. People think we have time. We don't know. We don't know when we're gonna die. I don't know if I'm gonna die next year. I don't know if I'm gonna die when I'm 60. The idea for myself, or even for the world, is to live up to I don't know, maybe 80, 90, 100, but it's just a moment, guys. I can remember just yesterday I was 15 years old, and I was you know being this weird, dorky, horny little fucking teenager, and I'm I'm fucking 35, and I'm just like, what the fuck have I done with my life? Besides having to struggle with my own internal demons and having to please the world and and my family. Nothing, I haven't done nothing with this, so I'm just like, what are you gonna do with it now? You know, change, be different, handle life different. Maybe you'll have a different outcome, you know. And that's just what life is about. You don't have to be 100% healed, guys. And I and I and I'll say this now you don't have to be 100% healed to preach about healing, guys. You can preach about it all you fucking want. Don't allow anybody to tell you otherwise. That's what's wrong with this world. We we we have allowed people to have an opinion, too much of an opinion on others' lives when they should be really focusing on the on the on themselves. To be honest with to be honest with you, to be real, you know, people feel too entitled to have an opinion, and and I quite frankly don't. Like, there's things that my partner sometimes ask me, like, I don't know. It's like do you have an opinion? I'm like, no, I don't give a fuck. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, what is that person's situation or life or whatever it's going through, or whatever they're dealing with, has to do with me. What is that gonna benefit me? How is it gonna help me grow? I don't care. I really don't care. It's just where my mentality is now, even with my own family, there's shit that's still happening there. I don't I don't give my opinion anymore. I just stay quiet. There's no need, you know. People are gonna be people. I just I don't know. I'm just in a very, very quiet place in my life now. I don't know if it has anything to do with my healing journey or my awakening moment that I had with God in August. It's just I don't care anymore, guys, to give in to nobody's bullshit. I really don't. I really don't. Not in a relationship, not with my family. I just don't care to give in anymore. I just want to protect my peace and my heart at all costs because I want to spread love and happiness and healing journey to everybody, including my own family. But I can't change people, you know. I can give them my opinion, I can tell them my journey, my experiences, but I can't change people, you know what I mean? It's just it's just it's just humankind. It's just humankind, it's just it's just what we are, you know, as humans. But um, that's who Sergio is, guys. This is who Sergio is. This is who Sergio is now. I I I'm not who I used to be 10 years ago, I'm not who I used to be five years ago. Heck, I'm not I'm not even the same person that I was a year ago. Because I'm the type of person that I I've strived to always learn from my mistakes, I've always strived to learn from everything that I do in life. I try not to repeat the same mistakes, and if I do, I'm just like, fuck, like what is my purpose? Now I question what is my purpose to learn? Why am I going through this? Why is this happening to me? And it's not more like a victim mentality, it's more like okay, God, like I have to understand what is happening. Well, what's the whole purpose? Am I supposed to learn something about myself? Like a lot of things lately that I feel like have been happening. I feel like uh it's it was more testing my emotions because that's something that I I agree, and even with through my you know, Reiki healing therapy session, they just told me the only thing I need to master is my emotions, and I feel like I've been working a lot on them lately. It's been difficult sometimes, but I've been I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I've I've been really, really quiet and not giving in to uh none of my partner's bullshits. I love him to death, but they're you know, there are some times I just be like, oh frustrating, and then being around my family again, they all talk shit. Um, and I'm just like I laugh it off, or sometimes I just act like I didn't hear. And half of the times, guys, I don't even not even paying attention. Half of the times, even when I'm with my family, even with my partner, I'm in my head and I'm thinking about something else, or the moment that I feel like it's going in a whole different negative direction. I tend to like go back into my show and I'm in my own head, and I'm like either singing a song, song, I'm sorry, or humming or thinking about something positive because I don't want to give it into this conversation because I'm just like I know this is gonna go other way if I open my mouth, so I'll just stay quiet. But um, but yeah, I I don't feel the need to defend myself, guys. I'm not going to keep defending myself. Um, again, if I'm speaking about experiences and stories about myself, it's not to hurt anybody intentionally, not my mom, not my dad, not my brothers, nobody is just what happened to me. I'm just sharing my story in hopes to help others around the world to speak up and just heal. Like, that's what the world needs right now is to spread love and heal and healing energy because there's a lot of broken, a lot of broken people, you know, people getting younger and younger, getting pregnant, they're and they're just left to figure life out. And this is why things go bad because people are not taught the correct way to love and to heal and protect. Like, you know, we're just letting people be now, and all these fucking laws that protect youngsters, and and we you know, parents can't even discipline their own kids. Like, it's just it's a whole different world, guys, from what we grew up in, you know. But it's just who I am. I am not the same person, guys. I'm gonna stop saying that because I feel like I've been bringing that up a lot in the last few, not in the last few, but in some of the episodes before it just I'm tired of defending myself. I I'm tired of having to explain myself to anybody, to be honest with you. I just want to explain myself to God in the end of the day, not to you guys or anybody. Um, the one thing that I am learning now, aside from you know, having to control my emotions, is to be consistent with life because I do tend to let life get to me at times, and and and and sometimes I lose motivation, but I'm learning to to be consistent. I feel like I need to put in the work to get where I need to be, I need to get better at manifesting stuff. I feel like I can I can manifest stuff, but I again let negativity in life get to me that I just stop sometimes. So this is Sergio, and I will see you guys in the next episode. Thank you guys so much again for listening and staying tuned with the podcast. And I hope you guys do enjoy the episode that I did record with this podcaster. Um, sorry if I was a little different there, guys. Maybe my energy was a little more different than I is here on the mic. I am not really comfortable with being in front of cameras. I'm very insecure um about myself, you know, about my weight, about my looks. Um, unfortunately, guys, you know, I am a man. Uh, in my 30s, I noticed a drastic change with my hair. I've been losing a lot of hair, guys. My hairline has been receiving more than usual. And I feel like that's why I got really uh insecure about taking pictures now about myself. I hardly don't even post anything on social media about myself anymore. I just gotten really insecure about it. Um, you know, we live in a nasty world, so I do get scared. I'm just like, oh my god, people are gonna pick at me. But you know, now you know having to go through this healing journey, I I I stopped caring. I accepted it even now when my family make fun of it. I'm just like, yeah, I know. Like, don't be a hater, like whatever. You know, I I tend not to let it get to me anymore. But I feel like I was a little different um in that podcast. I don't know this person that much, it's just only the second time I met them to actually sit down and talk to them before, you know. I did cater their party, you know, I was bartending at the party for for his wife actually. And um, that's how we came about the idea of having to, you know, do a podcast together. Um, so I don't really know this person, and I just I'm the type of person that I tend to pull back when I don't know you because I need to observe you first and see what your intentions are before I even release any information. So I know that I was very monetal, very quiet. I was trying to be selective of what um I said because I wasn't sure, you know, what this person's gonna do with it. Because you know, people have bad intentions. Not that I feel like Joe uh would ever do that to me, which I hope not. Um, it's just I was just more scared. I've just always been scared, you know. Like I said, I've always just been considered of people's feelings. I did talk a lot about my family, I did talk about a lot about the person that molested me. You know, unfortunately, I haven't released that information in my own podcast, but I did release it in that episode with with Joe. And um, I just felt like it was time to just let it out, you know. And then this, like I said, like you know, it's no one's fault. I don't blame no one, it's just what happened to me. It's my story, it's my truth, and it's not to hurt anybody. Okay, so I hope nobody misinterpretes anything that I was doing or flips anything into my family. I love you guys. I would always be by your side, I would always protect you. If I'm releasing some information about you guys or anything that you feel personal, personal or it's a personal attack. You guys can talk to me, you guys can let me know. Like, I'm an adult guy, we can talk, we're not children anymore, you know. But I'm gonna continue just sharing information until something's brought up to me, you know, and you know, to my mom, you know, I'm I'm sorry if some of the information that I did put air out in that episode um was sensitive, or maybe you're ashamed of or embarrassed, you know. It's not to bring anything out to the light to just make you guys feel bad in any way. It's it really isn't, guys. It really isn't. It's just my truth. That's it, it's just my story. Just want to help other kids. That's it. Because I know that I'm not the only one that has gone through, you know, being molested as a kid, and I'm pretty sure it still continues to happen now, you know. And I just want to prevent that if I can help and make it that change just a little bit, just to two, three people. I will be happy with that. And that's just the attention, guys. That's just the intention, not not to hurt anybody, not to get money or anything. It's just I want to have the world, it's just who my heart is, it's just what God brought me here for. It's just what I feel in my heart. That's what I feel since I was a kid, and I want to go with that, you know. I love you guys to my family, to my partner. I you know, I've always told you I would always be there with you as long as you're there with me. Um, you're a pain in the ass, yes. But I I I I love you. I really, really, really do. You know, you've taught me a lot about myself, you know. I wouldn't be, you know, this man who I am today if it wasn't for you. You you know, you taught me a lot of things to be strong and be thick skinned, and I like that, you know. But I love you guys all. I'm not thinking it's in ill intentions, it's just my truth and my story, guys. But I'll see you guys in the next episode, and I hope you guys do enjoy that new uh episode with Joe, and we'll be releasing new information soon of when it comes out. But I love you guys. See you in the next episode.