A Message to you, with love & respect.

Being open about my feelings is hard as it is. But having to open about it when it comes to your own family is hard. It’s never my intentions to hurt anyone when I’m speaking my heart out. Not even about family. But speaking up about your feelings is a way of not becoming angry or hold any resentment towards anyone for your own inner peace. 
I will always love and respect my own blood. But sometimes we gotta say it how it is, respectfully. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hi, Free Spirits. How are you guys? And to I'm a new free spirit. Hi, guys. Welcome to this channel. How's everyone doing? Uh, I'm doing wonderful, guys. I'm doing a little better now to uh to what I said last episode that I've been feeling a little down. I think lately I've been processing a lot of things, a lot of my feelings, and actually crying out a lot of what I was feeling, and I actually haven't been uh been feeling a lot better. But um on today's episode, I did want to get a little deep into I don't know if it's an apology or or I don't know. But this episode, I wanted to make a letter to my mom, uh possibly maybe my brothers, but it just I feel like there's just been so much going on in our family for the last few years that I don't even know, guys. I don't even I don't even recognize us anymore. Um what's crazy is that I have been really vocal about how nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't know what the hell makes me happy anymore. Before it used to be my center of attention was always my mom and my brothers. I've always looked forward to seeing them, they were my happiness. Um and then I would be with them and they would get on my fucking nerves. And um, and it just I don't know. Lately, I think I want to say that that's been part of my depression. That I'm just like, I don't even recognize my siblings anymore, I don't recognize my mom anymore. They no longer make me happy. I don't like being around them, and I think that's what I was mourning. But I was getting really sad, like I was just like, no, like this is this is not what I wanted in life. I I I I wanted my brothers and my mom's my mom to to forever be my everything, and it will and it will always be my everything, there would always be my priority, is just that my family has shown me that I can't trust them with anything with nothing. Um, especially how we they talk down to each other. Um, obviously they do it with with me, and I just need change. I was just like, you know what? Like I can't I can't be dealing with this forever for the rest of my life. I see how miserable they are with each other. Um, as much as my mom wants to deny it, I I see how miserable she is at times, but I don't know what she's dealing with internally, neither do I know what my brothers are dealing with internally. But I did want to take the time to let my mom know that I love her, regardless of how she is, how she treats me sometimes, and maybe she doesn't see it, or maybe she doesn't, and and and she doesn't care, I don't know. But I'm starting to realize, and I'm sorry for saying this on here, mom. I feel like this is the only way you can we can listen to each other because I don't feel like we're there yet to sit down and talk. I've offered before in the past for us to sit down and talk as a family, just the four of us with her, to see what the hell is going on so we can talk, you know, bring everything to the surface so we can move on and and and be better people, but I don't know, like I got a I got a really negative response from majority of them, and I'll just like okay, I tried, you know. But I feel sometimes that my mom pins us against each other intentionally, unintentionally, to be petty, and I don't like that because I feel like we've grown to dislike each other for certain for certain things. Like for instance, for my mom's birthday, uh I was asking for a while, like, what are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? Whatever. And the end, um, they ended up deciding they were going to Vegas, and I ended up saying that I didn't want to stay, you know, in the Airbnb with them, only because there's just certain individuals that you don't want to associate with, you know, as it is, it's already a you know, it's a pain in the ass to have to deal with my family, you know, uh, and within the same roof. So having to add other people that honestly we don't even have that much of a relationship with, um, or they shouldn't even be in the picture, period. But I don't know why they're still there. But out of respect, you know, obviously I keep it courteous, I you know, I keep it kind, I keep it cordial. But this certain individual I just don't like, I don't like their energy, I don't like who they are, I don't like what they present, I don't like what they do when they're around us. I just don't like them, period. Um, they were married into the family. Um, and I she's always treated me different since I was a kid compared to my brothers. My brothers were always in the pedestal for her, and I was just always like the dirtback. I don't know if any had anything to do with me being gay, or because you know what, I'm not even gonna say that. I don't know if it had anything to do with me being gay or the fact that when I was younger, you know, I was the oldest, so I already was my brother's babysitter. I already picked up after them, I already cooked for them, I would already washed for them. You know, I was basically their caretaker. Um, so we would go over this individual's house, and you know, they would make us want, you know, to clean and stuff. And I would tell her, like, no, like get your lazy ass up, like you're the wife, like take care of your husband, like take care of your household, la la la la la. So it was always like that when I was younger. Um, you know, and I get that back in the days I did have an attitude. But I always grew up some type of feelings towards this person, never really cared, got older, you know, wasn't my last relationship, and then this person was still around family, and I noticed that everybody would get, you know, not that it matters, but everybody would get a Christmas gift, but not me. And she always made the excuse, Well, I don't know if you were coming or not, la la la la la. Which is bullshit because I have an aunt that lives in Vegas and she has kids. You know, there's people that live out of town, and sometimes they wouldn't even come for the holidays, and yeah, they had a gift there waiting for them, but they don't live here, so and they didn't come, so what's the excuse now? You know, I was surprised that she actually gave me something last year. It was something simple, but you know, I was just like, oh, I was like, oh, like we get a gift. Well well, mainly me. Uh, so I wasn't shocked, you know, whatever. This person still is who they are. I just I have respect for them. It's just it's not someone I would love to go to vacation with or be under the same roof. I thought this trip was gonna be like a family trip, just us, immediate family, uh, not these extended people. Um, but whatever. I in the end, I was just like, you know what? I'm not gonna go. Well, I'm gonna go but not be part of the group. I'll do my you know, my my partner and I will stay in our own place. We ended up staying at my aunt's house. But, you know, I thought that's what we went for was to celebrate her birthday with my brother that lives, you know, not with her anymore. He lives somewhere else. So I thought that's what that trip was for was to spend time with him. So her birthday um was getting closed. We came back home Sunday. For some reason, they decided to do last minute dinner. My brother and his wife decided to do last-minute dinner for for her birthday with the family, and you know, and it was just like takeout and a cake, and then there were my mom was like, Oh, I guess her girl doesn't have mom because he's not here to sing happy birthday. And I was like, First of all, I was just in Vegas, and I don't want to talk about that because I was there and I didn't feel like this is what I felt, and no one's gonna tell me or discredit my feelings. I felt like she didn't even care that I was there because she had her baby boy, they buys her everything, that's the way that I see it. Uh, they buys her everything. Not that I feel jealous or anything, it's just that she has this habit of rubbing it in her face a lot, and I don't like that. So then I started feeling some type of way a long time ago about this. It's just that more recently I'm just like, okay, like let's do this for you, let's do that for you. And she's like, Oh no, uh, so and so already did that, so-and-so already is gonna do that. So and so, I don't know, ask so-and-so, and I'll just like, okay, so like, is it your birthday or is it their birthday? Um, you know, we went, we obviously my partner and I, you know, showed up a day later, you know, and everybody was just like, go out of energy, whatever. They partied the night before, and then we went to dinner, and then we were just there for like one hour, we ate, and they just left home. You know, we went in the elevator, they got off on their own floor, didn't even say bye or anything. And you know, I texted messing around. I was like, ha ha ha, if you're going in the pool, like let us know, like we'll come hang out. Hence, you know, like I still want to hang out with you. It's your birthday weekend. Didn't get a response or anything. They went home. Uh my partner and I went about our our own evening. We, you know, we've been gambling, we drank a little bit, we don't do our own thing. I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sad to say, you know, because my partner does tell me this sometimes when he's upset, and I'm starting to believe it. Um, that I shouldn't insert myself enough where I'm not wanted. So that's why I felt that now I was just like, you know what? I'm not I'm not mad, I'm not hurt, I'm just not gonna insert myself. Seems to me like she wants to just spend time with him, so uh whatever. That's his that's mama's boy. So I went about whatever. The night went, we woke up the next day. I was just like, okay, let me go have breakfast with him. At least, you know, me, I'm that's the type of person when I do something or when I or anything, like I feel guilty, like I still try to make it up right there and then because I I you know I don't like living with regret. So I texted her, you know, let's go have breakfast. Okay, and then like when I was already on my way, they were like, Oh, by the way, we're just gonna go home. Okay, whatever. I'll just go home then. I don't even know why the fuck I came. That's that was literally my thought. I'll just like I came to spend time with you. Yes, we were a little bit in the pool, we hardly said anything to each other. Um, and I I uh and honestly, I was already going there feeling some type of way because my mom was getting you know a little rowdy uh in the group message about you know just throwing stuff about you and me not going la la la la la. Because I was I was there last minute and I was like, you know what, I'll join you guys. You guys give me a bedroom. Um, but I was gonna show up a day later, and they were so trying to charge, you know, I'm not even gonna go there. They were trying to charge full price, but I was just like, I'm gonna be there for less than 24 hours, like you're tripping. But, anyways, I told her the way that I see it, I'm very family oriented. I thought she was two, so I was just like, maybe she would want to spend time with her four kids, her grandkids, her mom. You know, obviously her sister can't come, she lives in Vegas. So their excuse was, well, you know, one of my uncles can't be there. And I was just like, I'm not worried about my uncle, I'm worried about your kids, the ones that you so say you love so much and you care for. Like, I'm trying to be with you know us. So I was gonna pay for uh dinner the day of her birthday for me to cook at her house. I was gonna make, you know, obviously a dish. I asked her to give her a list of dishes she wanted, she chose, and I was like, okay, but went and told my siblings, like, hey, I'm gonna make a dinner for my mom. Let's you know, let's be at my mom's house at this time. And then my brother started telling me, Oh, I thought they were going out. Because that's the reason why they did the you know, the the last minute gathering on Sun the that day before her birthday, and I was just like, What? I'll just like wait wait wait, who made their own plans? So then she texted me out of nowhere. She'll go, Oh, I forgot so and so made you know reservations for my birthday. And I'll just like, wait a minute, he's not the only child. Why is he making his own plans? There's four of us. Okay, maybe he's way well off better than us, but I'll just like there's four of us here, like, why can't we plan anything as a family? I don't know. So, with that, I'll just like okay, seems to me like you just want to spend time with him. So I'm not gonna push it, I am not gonna insert myself, I'm not gonna get hurt, I'm not gonna get upset. This is what you want, it's your birthday. I don't care anymore. I stopped caring about showing up for them a long time ago. The moment they I started realizing that none of them show up for me ever. For anything. They show up for each other, but they don't show up for me. So we left it at that. I just never, you know, I didn't care. I have my own problems, to be honest with you. I wasn't gonna dull over my mom's birthday. I know it sounds fucked up, but I'm just like, I got the hint. You wanna go spend time with your son? Fine. And then she goes on and still posts a petty post. And I'll just like, okay, I don't have time for this. This is exactly why I don't like hanging out with you guys. But I feel like my mom, since we got older, has always been like that with us, where she pints us and kisses each other, or she's just very petty, and I don't like that. I don't know where this came from. I don't remember mom being this way, or maybe just because she's older, or maybe because she's menopausing. I don't know because she just got it worse, and I don't like that. I missed the mom that I knew, you know. My mom, I've always remembered mom being such a hard worker. I remember my mom always being with us 24-7, and you know, we were her life. That's what I was used to, you know. Not that I expect that for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that I want her to lose herself for us, it's just that I feel like she became very materialistic. That's the way that I see it. So if you're not buying her anything, she just doesn't care for you, you know. Because at one point I was always buying her stuff, I was buying her makeup, perfumes, a la la. And I feel like she was treating me the way that she treats her, you know, this type of thing now, and then now that I don't, you know, now this one buys her everything she wants, including samples and this and this and that, and you know, all of a sudden he's at a pedestal. And I'm like, okay, like I see, you know, I see how things are, but I don't know what's going on, to be honest with you. I feel like for all of our lives, she's blaming my father that has always been my father. Uh, or you learned that from your dad, or that's a habit you got from your dad, and this and this and this and that. But I'm just like in my head, like, okay, the dad has been out of the picture since thir for 30 years. So I want to say majority of my siblings were infants, so they don't even remember you know anything with the father. I got to experience both mom and dad. So I saw the abuse, the cheating, the everything you guys want to think about. And I'm just like, why we f why are we blaming the father if the father hasn't even been in the picture? You know, obviously, habits they they they picked up, but we, I'm gonna say we because I was once there. We've picked up was from what we learned with what was around us. Now, I'm not saying that my siblings are bad people, I'm not saying that my mom was a bad person. And just like, stop blaming people for for shitty behaviors that you create yourself. My mom, and I've always told her this when we were younger, too. She've always acted like she was our friend. I told I I remember here when I was in high school, stop acting like we're you're our friend, you're our mom. These kids are gonna grow up not respecting you at all, they're gonna grow up resenting you some type of way because of the way you are. Because sometimes, uh, like for instance, you know, when we I don't know how your family are, but you know, if you go tell your family member, like your siblings something, and it's you know, just your siblings and your and your parents, and not the partners are not there, and you know, obviously you get to express yourself and talk shit and la la la. It's supposed to stay between just you guys. So, my mom and this lovely son of hers has the habit of bringing the bullshit up front when these people are present and put these people in uncomfortable situations, and these people don't even know what the fuck is going on. They think it's funny, they think it's okay. It's not okay. There's a certain time and place for things. If we come to you for certain things, it's because it's supposed to stay between us, not the whole damn world. So they're just that kind of petty, you know, and then they try to play the victim part, like, oh, you're such a bitch, la la la la. Like the other day, my brother in the group message started going off on us how you know we were making my mom feel some type of way, some type of way, la la la. And I'm just like, bro, like I even told my brother, like, no, like you and mom act the same, you guys are petty, and then when we react, you act like victims. So if you're gonna be petty, be about it, don't be pussy, you know what I mean? So he never responded. So I I felt like a bitch telling him that, but I'm just like, no, you guys have always been this way, like you guys get upset when we react or we say something, and we'll make you or mom feel some type of way, and then you know, we're we're the assholes. And I was like, no, like I'm not staying quiet anymore. Like, no, like if you're gonna be this, if you're gonna be a bitch, let's put it that way, or if you're gonna be petty, be about it, own it, own it, you know. Don't don't don't don't play victim. But I did wanna make this episode, you know. I just wanna I wanna get out get that off my chest. But I did want to make this episode about my mom telling her that I love her and I admired her all my life. As I can remember when I was a kid, I I would clean the house so I can get money so I can go to the dollar store. And I can remember this being in elementary, guys, and buying cards, mom cards for my mom. And I was always writing to her, telling her how much I love her, how much I appreciate her, how much it makes me sad, because I was the only one that would experience, you know, seeing her sad sometimes. Because I knew she couldn't make ends meet. And I was it was like always like a constant reminder to her like I love you, like keep pushing, keep pushing. Like, I've always been this way to this day. I'm always I've always been loving and supporting towards everybody. You know, my mom was always the thing that I missed. My mom was everything I was worried about, my mom was everything, you know. My world was around her. I wanted to build my life around her. I wanted to become, I don't know, a doctor, a singer, an actor, whatever. Everything was off for her because I wanted to give her a better life. You know, and then for her to you know grow up, us grow up, and and now that we're older, she throws it in her face that I don't know. Honestly, I was gone for a while, or sometimes I'm not even around my family anymore. When I since I came back home from San Francisco. Um, well, I guess my brothers have told my mom evil things, like you know, we raised ourselves, you didn't really do nothing for us, they fed themselves, whatever it is that they told her, and for some reason it was it's been held against me. And there's been moments where we've gone on to eat, and she's like, Yeah, you guys all have told me that I was never there for you. And I'm just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I've never said that, and I know that for a fact, and I put this on God, I put this on her, I put this on my grandma. I know for a fact that I've never ever in my life told my mom that because of her, like, I don't know. I I just know that I've never thrown that in my mom's face ever, because I don't know if it's an older thing or because I had to grow up fast, you know, aside from being sexual. Abused, you know, I had a girlfriend to help her, you know, help her with my brothers, you know, feed them sometimes, make sure they're doing their homework, you know, that they're not fighting, uh, making sure that they're inside. We know by the time the lights, the street lights go on, like just be being their babysitter. So, like, I don't know where my mom feels this about me that I said that, but it's upsetting. It's upsetting because I'm just like, no, like I give up a lot of my childhood for you to take care of your kids because you had to work, you know, a couple jobs, and then on top of that, I had to go work and make my own money because I specifically remember my mom telling me, I can't afford all of you guys, we need to go start working. I was in fifth grade when I started working, guys, under the table to make my own money so I can pay my own little cell phone bill, you know. You know, I used to have a prepaid cell phone, so I would put minutes on it, buy my own clothes, buy my own little snacks here and there, or sometimes even help her with food for the house. And you know, even though you know I was forced to grow up fast, partially because of her, I've never felt any type of way towards my mom ever. If anything, I've always been very vocal in telling her, like, or not telling her specifically, but just you know, being open about it and telling people like I'm I'm thankful that my mom forced me to grow up because I have a work ethic. You know, I I I I you know I've never been without a job. I've had moments, you know, where I have I I've been without a job, but it showed me to hustle, and I've always found I've always found ways to hustle, even when I would have no job, I'll be doing some other thing, making sure that I have money, that things are coming in. Like I've never really relied on anybody. I feel like my mom made me very independent. I feel like she made me like her in some way. Uh, with you know, with that aspect, because the heart aspect, I feel like her and I are different. I feel like I'm more understanding, I feel like I'm more forgiving, I feel like I'm more loving. Um does it make me any better, but any better than her? No. But um, you know, it's just the choices that we all make, and I feel like since I was a kid, I've always been this way. Like I've never wanted to be grateful, I've always wanted to just show love. And I think what upsets upsets me the most, or I think I'm just very disappointed. It's just how my mom acts with us now. I get it. My siblings have put her and my stepdad through so much, through so fucking much, and I'm pretty sure there's more that I don't even fucking know about. Um, so I get why they are the way they are now, but sometimes I'm just like, I don't agree how my mom and my stepdad act sometimes. Sometimes I feel like it's very childish, and I sometimes feel like my mom turned to be just like my stepdad. My stepdad's not a bad person, it's just that he also comes from a broken family. So I don't even recognize the family anymore. I really, really don't. And I know that my mom and my brothers always reverb in my face that oh, you're so sensitive, you don't come around anymore, like stop being upset. And I'm just like, no, you guys have it all wrong. Like, no one's upset. It's just no one wants to fuck with you guys anymore. Because everybody's starting to realize who they really are, you know, and then they get upset because they're like, oh, you know, these people don't like us, fuck them, this and this, and that's and that la la. And I'm just like, no, that's that. That's that's exactly why they don't like you. Because of how you guys are. My family doesn't know boundaries, and that's something that they need, they need to learn. They need to learn to have boundaries, even with each other. I get it when we were little, we were always up in each other's business, but we are all older now. We're we all have our own lives now, like they don't have to know everything. For years, I never was open about anything with my family, about nothing, nothing, until finally, you know, I started having problems here and there. You know, obviously, people started passing away with them, you know, my partner's family. I don't have much friends, I don't really talk to nobody. So I would bottle a lot of feelings. So I would, you know, come and talk to my mom and my stepdad about certain things to release things, and then I would later find out. For some reason, my stepdad's daughter would know my business, and I'm just like, why are you guys going around talking about people's business? So I stopped sharing my life with them, and my mom would be like, Oh, you're just you think you better, you know, you're always so private with your life. Well, yeah, because you're gonna open your mouth, you know, and it's just it's just very disappointing. I'm very, very, very, very disappointed how my mom turned out to be. I am very disappointed in how my siblings turn out to be. Um, they all act like they hate each other. I don't hate them, I just don't care to interact with them any as much anymore because of the bad energy. I just I don't know. I just I just I don't want to be around that anymore. Like my peace, my home. You know, my partner and I really don't have much problems. Maybe in the past we did, but in the last year and a half or so, like we've been really like very spiritual together, and we've been very just I don't know. Before we used to think him and I that we met in the in the wrong time, then we both started thinking, like, wow, like we're both have gone through similar situations. We've both, you know, I feel like I'm a step ahead of him in the healing process, not that I'm any better, you know. I've actually gone out and gone to get help, you know, therapy, spiritual retreats, and stuff like that. Um, and doing spiritual work. But I feel like we both agree, like, no, we met each other at the right time. Like, it's just crazy how, like, you know, a year later after a relationship, a year and a half, I want to say. Almost two years. Um, yeah, almost two years. You know, his brother passed away, and I you know, obviously, I had to become that was my first time actually dealing with some a partner with losing like an actual sibling. So I I you know, I'll be honest with you, I didn't know how to react to that one. Um for sure, for when my mother-in-law passed away, like I was already prepared and everything because from the first one, like I I learned, but we both were like, wow, like we actually need each other, like in every aspect, and we both came to realize that we were both being pulled away from our families because of who they are. We don't judge them, we respect them. We will still love them from afar because we both have agreed, you know, many, many, many times. Like, this is our peace, our apartment, you know, we're we're always quiet, uh, you know, just enjoying each other's company, you know. We no, no, nothing. Like, we're I mean, we get irritated at each other for certain little things, but I mean who what couple doesn't, you know? But mama, I don't know if you're listening. I know that you listen to a few episodes, but I do want to say that I love you, I respect you, I I I don't know what has become of us. I just know that I miss my family. Um we're adults now. I really want to sit down and talk to you guys and put everything on the table and just basically ask like what the fuck's going on? Like, why do we hate each other? Uh why is it that we turn out this way? Why is it that this sibling turns that uh hates this one? Why is it that this one can be with all of us? Or why is it that this one thinks he's better than all of us? You know, like I don't know what became of us, but I would love to sit down with you guys and actually talk. Like, I'm ready to enjoy adulthood with you guys. Like, I don't even think we've enjoyed anything as adults, to be honest with you. It's always been about just getting together for someone's birthday and getting fucked up, and that's it. Not building any memories or anything because when we're out with each other, we can't stand each other. Um, but as that's the main reason why I pulled away. So I need my mom and my brothers to understand that no, it's not because of my partner, no, it's not because of this, it's because of you guys, it's because of who you guys are as people, how you guys are with your heart, how you guys handle life, how you guys gossip, how messy you guys are. Um, that is the reason why I know I don't come around. I don't like that about you guys. I don't like that about you guys. I don't feel safe around you guys. And it's sad to say because I don't feel safe around nobody. Um, not even with my partner. Because my partner has, you know, done his own little damage, but on top of that, you know, he's you know, he's grieving not one person, but two people, you know, he's grieving his brother and his mom. So I can't trust to come to anybody to talk about anything or nothing. So I feel like that's why I started feeling depressed lately, and um, I was trying to understand in the last month or so. Like, why am I feeling this way? Like, I hate this. Like, I don't know if this is change, I don't know if this is my the universe telling me like I need to relax, I need to just live in the moment, I guess. But um, definitely a lot a lot of changes have been happening within our family, and um I just can't I just can't I I I need change from them, I need them to be different within themselves and then with each other before I can even fully come around. I would love to be around my family, you know, twice a week, maybe three times a week, and just you know, hang out with each other, watch a movie, whatever the fuck it is. Because I see with some families, I'm like, wow, you know, these fam, this family, I'm pretty sure they have their own issues, but they're they're so loving, so caring, they're you know, so supportive with each other. And um, we just never been that, you know, we've never been that supportive. We've never ever in our lives been supportive with each other with nothing. Nothing, nothing, guys. Not our dreams, not our goals, not our accomplishments, like nothing. Like we've never been supportive with each other with nothing. And it sucks, and it sucks because I feel like sometimes your family is supposed to be your you know your sole support, but not every family gets that. And I had to accept the fact that my family is just that, they're they're not supportive, they're that type of family, and I was in denial for the majority of my adult life. I was like, no, my family's supportive, this and this and that. Um every adventure that I did, they've always just seemed to always talk smack about it. I don't know if that's their way of being supportive, but you know, it's not, it's not, it's it really does tear people apart, you know, it does tear people's confidence, and I don't know. I think I'm delusional, guys. I feel like I am just stuck in that mentality of who my siblings and my mom were back in the days when we were younger. Um and I know their life has gotten in the way and obviously has changed some of us. I feel like some of us we're a lost cause. Um I don't know how to save the family anymore. I've prayed about this so many times. Asking God, like, please, like my family, because I I I I'm scared. I'm scared that we're gonna get older and we're just gonna all just going to separate. Cause I see it in my family. Within my you know, extended family. How everybody's separated, how everybody hates each other, how no one talks. And I wouldn't want that within my family. I wouldn't want that with my mom and my brothers. Absolutely not. I would want us to heal together and let go and forgive. And just be better adults, better individuals. And I felt like for a while I was trying to do that when I started healing. I was trying to include them in my healing journey, and you know, I started, you know, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I had started group messages with just my siblings, and then I started getting messages with just the siblings and my mom to try to get us to heal and talk. And it just I always got pushback, and I had to accept around that time, which was like maybe like a year ago or so, that this healing journey was for me, not for them. And if they jump on board, it would be beautiful. If not, then it's okay. You know, I have to learn to heal me first. So that's what I've been doing, you know. I've been prioritizing myself this last year or so, you know. Uh not that I never did, but I you know, I I've made my partner, my soul, you know, focus because that's what I feel it should be, you know, your partner. Like it's you know, when once you leave the you know the nest and you are married or with someone or living with someone, like that becomes your family. So obviously, when I moved in with my partner, um he lived with his mom, so I you know came into their lives, so I had to prioritize him and his mom. Because that's my partner, and obviously, you know, she was way, way older than my mom, and she had you know health issues. So, of course, you know, I'm just like, I'm gonna be there for you. Like, I'm you know, my partner, like no matter what. I'm your ride and die. Maybe I'm not your ride and die in the party scene. That's not me, but I'm your ride and die, you know, when it comes to life, to hardships in life. Like, I will be there, and I feel like I did a great job. I personally feel like I did a great job showing up for him. I don't know how he feels. I know he's been poking told me like, you know, I appreciate you. You know, he's told me like you're my priority now. And I'm just like, wait, what? I was never your priority. What the fuck? I'm just kidding. No, but you know, obviously his mom was his priority, I came second. Um, and I feel like my mom felt some type of way about that, but I was just like, Mom, like, you're healthy, you have a husband that takes care of you that spoils you with everything. Um, I don't know, but it's just I feel like my mom grew some type of feelings towards my partner because he never came around, which I understand because my mother-in-law, you know, it was a hit and miss. One day she'll be fine, one day she won't. You know, she would fall sometimes, you know, we would come home, the sink uh will be running uh in the restroom or in the kitchen, the the stove will be on, like she just couldn't be left, be left by herself, you know, because she would forget. And you know, now obviously he's not gonna answer himself still yet, you know, three and a half years later. Because he's grieving, and I'm not gonna push it on him either. Like, I would love the idea of family and us being together, being united, but like I said, my family, my family is just petty. My family is just really ugly, and and and I understand my partner why he doesn't like coming around. My family. Because who do want, you know, who don't want to deal with that energy uh with anybody, with anybody, you know, and I I and I'm I'm thankful, you know, the beginning of a relationship, my partner made it seem like their family didn't like me, but then I started coming around more often with them, and I feel like I actually gained a relationship with his family. And now, you know, we're cool, you know. I I like being around them. I accepted their lifestyle, and you know, I'm not I don't judge, it's just not my preference, you know. I'm it's not what I would personally want to do, but that's their life, you know, that's your choices. But they're very loving, they're very, very, very supportive, they're very, you know, they're cool people to be around with, they're fun, and that's something that I would love my family to be. And you know, maybe one day we'll be able to be in the same room and just laugh on this kind of bullshit, you know. It one dream of mine, if I'm hoping that if I ever make it successful in life, which I will, I know I will. Um I want to take a beautiful vacation with just my mom and my brothers, my sister-in-laws and my nephew's niece and nephews, and just enjoy each other's company, live in the moment. I feel like my family doesn't live in the moment. My family's too busy. Half of them are too busy living in the past, and the other half are too busy worried about the future. And that's why every time I hang out with my family, sometimes when we go out and eat, like, oh my god, let me take a picture. I'm like, shut up no no no no, like like there's no need for you to take a picture. When the fuck one, when the when you're gonna go back and look into that picture. Two live in the fucking moment. I always tell them live in the fucking moment, enjoy your pre each other's presence. That's what life is about. And recently, so I started learning, guys, that life is not always supposed to be about work or materialistic things, it's supposed to be supposed to be about love. We're supposed to show each other love. And I've said this before many times in a lot of episodes. Love is the number one language in this world, and this is what we're here for, is to learn love and give love, and maybe receive love. Sometimes I feel like maybe if we don't receive love, it's okay. We can still have to continue to be ourselves and and love people. And I feel like that's why I'm always very forgiving with everybody around me. Everybody's like, Oh, I don't understand why you forgive him, I don't know why you understand you know you forgive her. And I'm just like, because it's just who I am. I refuse to be grudgeful and and and surround myself or drown myself in hate or disappointment or whatever it is that you guys want to call it. No, like I'll be irritated and mad in the moment, but to be like grudgeful or hate you or anything, like, no, life's too short, life's too beautiful. Like, I'd rather just love you. And especially when it comes to my mom and my brothers and my partner, everybody, you know, I love you guys, like I love them, and it's just like my mom tells, like, my mom doesn't understand. And that's another thing. I think she's more upset because I'm talking to my father, and my father's out of the family that don't talk to us anymore. But it's just like a telling I was like, I don't I'm not one to judge anybody, like I'm not gonna treat maybe you have your history with them, that's fine, but you should learn to let that go because it's in the past. Why the hell are you still feeling this type of way? You know, people people change people, girl. People don't really live in the past anymore, you know. And when I said understanding from my my dad's side of the family, like nobody feels any type of anything, they forgot about stuff, and my mom's still holding on to bridges, and I'm just like, oh okay, like I see. Like, I need my mom to understand, like, I'm forgiving no matter who it is. Would I be trustworthy of them? Absolutely not, but um I'm forgiving, and at the end of the day, they're blood. Like, I'm not going to act some type of way just because my mom feels this type of way, you know? It's just I don't know. It's my life, you know. If I choose to forgive my father for X, Y, and Z, whatever he did to me when I was younger, like it's it's my prerogative, no one else's. And I and I said this before many, many times. If I'm doing things the way that I'm moving, and you see it as shady, that's fine. I see it as healing and being loving. Um, I'm gonna continue just being this because it's what has helped me through life, it's what. What made me a better person, it's what made me who I am today. I'm always gonna love you. No matter what. I may just disagree with you on a lot of the things. And I may not like how you are at times, but I'm always gonna love my family. Especially my siblings and my mom. You know. But I hope we can get to one point, guys, where we can just fucking grow the fuck up. Honestly, grow the fuck up. And hopefully one day heal and be better individuals. I just don't want to show this to my nieces and my nephew. To my niece and my nephew, and to my future niece and nephew. Like, I don't want them thinking that how my family is normal because now I'm starting to see this on my little niece and nephew, how they are, and I'm just like, okay, they're they're getting bad habits already. Like, no. I want to be the person to break generational curses. I wish I had kids. You know, if I had kids, I would definitely be teaching them way different than with my family. I would not have my child around my family as much. Um they will go around, obviously, but uh my mom would know boundaries and respect my boundaries uh because that's my child, you know. But I don't have that, unfortunately. I don't think I will in this lifetime have children. So I know I I want to be a better version of myself to show an example to my nieces and nephews, and you know, my my my brothers and my siblings too, so they can you know snap out of it and be like, okay, like we need to be better. But I love you, mom. I would never hate you. I hope I hope you know that I I I'm sorry that I distant myself from you years ago, maybe like four four or five years ago, but now you know why. It's because I need change from you, I need change from my brothers. Um I'm in a different mindset now, and a very, very positive mindset that I don't want to be petty towards you guys. I don't want to be nasty with you guys. And that's another thing with me. Like, I can't be I can't be ugly with anybody. Like I feel I feel ugly when when when when I get upset with my partner and I feel guilty. And I feel and I do the same thing with my sympathies and my mom. Like when we get into fights and stuff like that, like I don't like guilt starts kicking in, and I'm just like, no, like I cannot be this way, like I have to be better, you know. And it's hard sometimes where you can control your emotions, but it's kind of hard sometimes where sometimes they just hit you below the belt, and I'm just like I wanna slap this bitch around a little bit, but you guys would always be my world. Just right now, I'm living in my own world, guys, and and I'm trying to find myself, I'm trying to push myself out of whatever the fuck I'm at. You know, I'm 34 and I still don't have a fucking career, guys. Um, I'm not anywhere near the goal that I wanted to buy a home. And you know, now that I'm learning about life, I'm just like, what is the whole fucking purpose of having a house? To say that you made it? No, you just put yourself in more debt. But um stuff like that, like I don't care for anymore. Like, I'd rather I I you know what I want now, guys. I want to buy a tiny home, a mobile tiny home where I can just connect to the back of my car and fucking travel around the fucking states, different countries, obviously Mexico, Canada, because I don't think one that can I you know get into um and post up somewhere and just work from home so I can work in my freaking trailer and just enjoy life. I don't I don't feel like we're all supposed to be, I don't know, drowning yourself in debt and and and and and materialistic bullshit. Like, I don't know, maybe it's just me. Back in the days, I wanted materialistic stuff, like I wanted name brand stuff, high-end name brand stuff, and I wanted a house and this and this and that. But now it's just like I want the simple things, the simple things make me happy, like just being at a river, enjoying life, but hope. I hope from this experience, guys, you guys are able to learn to forgive your family, understand that everybody has their own journey, everybody has their own damage, and we need to be a little bit more compassionate about it. Be careful about who you trust, but be more a little compassionate because if they see that within yourself, that you're being compassionate, you're being forgiving, you're being loving. I feel like the rest will follow. And um forgiveness, guys, is that forgiveness is is it's is the best thing for your soul, and your peace. Your peace. I've always said this, your peace always matters, so know your peace, even if it's outside your family. Like, it's okay. Don't feel guilty, guys. It's okay. But I'll see you guys in the next episode. Thank you so much again for listening. Again, so many new cities and countries are keep popping out, and I need to get better at this, honestly. I need to rediscover myself and just give myself that push again to just go all in and be better because life has been getting me, guys. Life has really been pulling me down. But I'll see you guys in the next episode. Free spirits. I love you guys.