Breaking Habits

Ever struggled with breaking old habits. Trying to understand why they surface. Majority of us, we let bad habits consume us. We get stuck in believing the world owe us something. Some of us, we process it, by feeling it, By facing it And choose to help others regardless what we dealt with in life. Let’s learn together to break those habits. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi, free spirits. Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. How's everyone doing? Welcome back to another episode of Live Walking Journey to all my new free spirits. Hi guys, welcome. How's everyone doing? Uh, I hope everybody's summer is going so far so good. Mine has been uh a little interesting, but hanging on there, guys. It feels good to be back from hiatus. I do want to first and foremost uh apologize to all of you for keeping you guys waiting for a few months. I know that I keep coming back and uh leaving an episode here and there and then disappearing. Honestly, guys, I've just been dealing with so much in life that I don't know. I just needed to pause. I needed to pause and not feel the need to share my life completely just yet uh with everybody. Um, or just don't have the energy to want to speak, period. I have I feel like I've I have there's so much, so much going on on me guys. You guys don't need to understand. On top of that, you know, I'm dealing with someone that's being very difficult. Uh they're also grieving, so this is the first time that I actually have to deal with someone that's you know grieving, someone close to them, like a sibling and a parent. So definitely, I may not understand uh what they're going through, but I definitely do understand because my feelings are not invalid. Um, I also lost a very close family member of mine, which is my Nino, was my dad, actually, my dad figure as well, someone I spoke to 24-7, text constantly, every vacation I would visit uh when I lived up in North California Northern California. Uh basically, this was my dad. He stepped up and you know helped my mom he uh take care of us. And um, to me, he was always my dad figure, so I was very, very broken when he passed away randomly. And um, you know, I guess everybody handles grief differently. I remember crying for him. I still cried to him six years later, you know. I cry for him six years later, and um but the first I want to say the first year was very hard. I just remember always being depressed um in my apartment, uh, always crying. I remember that at the time I was also dealing with family stuff, so I kept myself busy from having to feel anything, but I definitely do understand. It's just I guess we all handle it differently. Um, I chose to I chose a spiritual uh route versus being depressed because depression is really, really it's real, guys, it's really hard. Um and I felt it definitely when when he passed away, so I can only imagine what my cousins that that was his father uh felt like, you know, and um with me, like I said, I was always there with him every weekend growing up. Uh everything, everything was just about my Nino. Nino would always pick me up, uh take me places, uh, would always take me to uh to you know jobs with him, uh to recycle cans, he would take me to do uh work interviews, like that was my dad. So, you know, I chose to work, I chose to draw myself in work. Not that I wasn't feeling it, I would feel it when I would be at home. I'm a times off, I would give myself that time to grieve because obviously you can't avoid it, but um hey, a lot of things have just been going on right now that, like I said before, and I've always said this before, and mental health is very, very, very important, guys. We cannot avoid it. This is how we always blow up, this is how we always bottle things up, and then we release it in the wrong moments, and then you know, you create something that shouldn't be there, you know. But uh lately, lately, what I've been noticing a lot since I've you know chosen the route of wanting to be different and healed, not that it makes me better than anybody, but wanting to be healed, I've noticed that a lot of people have so many, so many, so many demons inside, and it's crazy to me how people are so quick to I don't know, I guess self-reflect on other people. I see it with other people, I see people do it with me, and it's scary because it's it's those that are close to you, those that you're supposed to trust, those that you're supposed to confine in, those that those that say that love you so much are the ones that are always coming for you to hurt you. But the best thing you guys can do, guys, is just remove yourself and keep pushing and uh you know be positive. You can continue being you know yourself with them. You just be be more careful, be more boundarious, I guess. Put boundaries. I don't know, boundaries is even a word, but put boundaries. Uh, even when it comes to family, guys, because people uh family tends to feel the need to think that it's your responsibility to help them throw out life, um, in anything, and honestly, that's not the truth. Uh, you we're all born to live our own lives and our own journeys, and I quite frankly, that's how I've always thought. Um, even so now, I I I know this is sad to say, but like, for instance, like with my partner that he's grieving, I I I I want to be I I'm there for him and other aspects, but as far as like his emotions, like there's nothing I can do, you know. This man doesn't really like to show his emotions as it is, he doesn't like to be pampered, so it's kind of hard for me to be like, Oh my god, let me hug you, let me show you some love. Excuse me, or whatever the case may be, because this person is not like like me, you know. Like, if it was a different person that that that they loved, intimacy, and it doesn't mean sex, it just means like just you know, hugging and cuddling and spending time with each other to make you you know make you feel better, like stuff like that. Like, that's the type of partner I am. Like, I'm I'm very romantic, very loving. But when the other person is not, like, it's kind of hard to want to be that way when you know, but obviously, especially when you get shut out a lot, you know, throughout the years in the relationship. So, I mean no, for me, the way that I feel now is like, okay, this is your journey, this is what you need to go through. I don't know if it's for you to crack, I don't know if it's for you to evolve, but whatever it may be, if this is your journey, I'll be here on the side, I'll cook for us, I'll clean for us. Um, you know, whatever couples or household things that we're supposed to take care of. But as far as when it comes to his emotions, I honestly feel like it's his journey to go through. Um, especially more so because he's confined in other people and doesn't feel the need to need me. So why make myself available, you know? So that's one thing, you know, throughout the his grieving process that I've learned is that everybody around me just expects and expects and expects for Sergio to be there for them, Sergio to take care of everything, Sergio this, Sergio that. Like when it comes to my family, my family gets upset because I don't show up for them anymore when I when it comes to like them having parties and stuff like that. They want me to go over there and they want me to clean, they want me to do this and they want to do that. I'm just like, no, like first of all, it's not my event, second of all, it's not my house. I get it, I'm related to you, I'm getting it. It's my mom. When it comes to my mom, yes, when it comes to my mom, I would I would do it. But when it comes to my siblings, knowing that they're there, why do I have to go out of my way to go help or to initiate the help? You know what I mean? But one thing I have been I've been dealing with is the fact that people are just you know very very very quick to put you out to be the evil person because you're not doing what they say anymore. And at this point, like at this point of healing, like I don't care anymore to be the villain in no one's fucking story, not my partners, not my families, not anybody's because I don't owe anything to anybody. I've been putting in my own work within myself throughout my whole life, and and if I can do it, everybody can do it. It's just like I said, it's habits, it's habits that everybody are used to, um, habits that people don't want to change because that's what they feel most comfortable in. I've never felt comfortable in it within my own skin. Um, I've always felt the need to want to be different, to change, and and and people's like, oh, you're you're always trying to be better than everybody. And I'm just like, no, like I'm just I'm just trying to evolve myself so I can give somewhere in life because I feel like I've been stuck my entire life trying to save someone. To if we're if we're if we're being 1000%, I've spent my life always trying to save someone or trying to be there for someone, and that was with my families, with my ex, with my current relationship. Like it's always me trying to hold things together for people, and the moment that I like snap, that's what's used, that's what's used against me. You know what I mean? And I'm just like, why can't you stop and think like we're you don't help, you're not there for me. Um, and on top of that, like I'm dealing with you, and and and I have to deal with myself, and you know, I still I still have to take care of some household stuff. Not that it bothers me, but it's just like you have to meet me halfway. That's with family, or that's with friends, or that's with with with um you know my partner. Like, you have to meet me halfway. I can't do everything for you. 24-7. I'm my own person too. I have my own journey. I'm trying to discover that within myself. Right now, I've been just you know, living life day by day as it rises. I every day I wake up positive, every day I wake up being thankful that I'm able to open my eyes again. Uh, but of course, it's always someone or something that's always trying to come in shit on my day. But I mean, that's really the reason why, guys, I've been taking time off. You know, a lot of the things that I'm really dealing with has really taken an emotional tone. I mean, I I felt I felt like I just needed to just stay to myself for right now, and I have the need to just keep talking about my life and my healing and whatever just happened to me, or whatever happened to me in the past. I was just like, you know what, you need to focus on you. You are important too as much as your partner, you are important as much as your parents, you are important as much as your siblings, you are important as much as important as your friends, you know what I mean? I've always prioritized everybody but myself, and that's how I always end up losing myself. You know what I mean? I feel like I always had to prove something to someone, and then now in this new mindset that I have, I don't have the need to I don't have the need to prove nothing to anybody. Like I said before, I don't owe anything to anybody, I don't never ask for help that much from nobody. And the reason is because all my life, up to this day, up to this day, guys, when people do things for me, it's always being thrown in my face, it's always being rubbed in my face, or people feel the need that I owe them something when they do something for me without me even asking. So that is the reason why like I don't really like asking for help. I rather fucking struggle. I have bills that I need to pay. I don't ask people for help. I I just I I I figure things out. I don't I don't sit back and be feeling sorry for myself because I'm going through something and my bills are polying up, like no, like unfortunately, this is just life, you know, people die, people move on. That's what what life is about, unfortunately. We're all supposed to learn and and and grow from our experiences in life, and I don't know if it's just me, but when people pass away, I tend to feel sad. But in my head, I'm just like the way that I see it, I don't think this is the end. This is just a stage of life, a stage of our souls, and we're probably gonna end up seeing those people in our next lifetime whenever we move on. Like, it's just I don't know. Maybe I just handle things differently, and people see it as that I'm being really insensitive. It's just as it is, guys. Life is hard as it is, so having to dump like other people's problems or you even your own emotions, it's it's it's it's crazy, you know. But um, there's definitely been a lot of habits from the past that I had to learn to let go, you know, and that was just me expecting um for people to treat me the same way that I treat them, for people to show up and show out for me how I've shown up for them. Obviously, I had to come to the conclusion and uh the realization that not everybody is like me, you know what I mean? Not everybody will show up for me, uh, not anybody will be there for me, and I can't sit here and feel like pobrecito me because life just doesn't feel pobrecito for you, like life just is life, you know. And I always tend to just brush things off, uh, but I do definitely keep that in mind on how people make me feel. Um right now, I'm sorry to say this, whoever's feelings it hurts. I just never felt safe with anybody around me. Not anybody close around me to to want to continue sharing life with or or even like gossip about life, and I think that's why I pulled away from a lot of people, you know, family, friends, even my relationship now. I kind of feel like I've I've pulled back a lot. Umly because things are always like I said, things are always being thrown in my face, and I I don't like that. I'd rather just you know, I'd rather be with myself, I'd rather do that all by myself than to having to drag other people's bullshit with me. But that's just where I've been, guys. I want to know how is it that you guys handle situations in life, or maybe how you guys made changes within your own habits. Like I said, with me my habits always always having to be there for everybody, and then I get upset when when no one shows up for me. It's sad, you know, but I don't know. I also have been dealing with the fact that sometimes I feel like life has no freaking meaning, it has no purpose. I've had my moments where I sit there and I'm just like, why am I still alive? Why am I still here? You know, the way that I feel, and these are my feelings. No one looks for me. Ever. Not my partner, not my family, not my brothers, not my parents. No one looks for me. I'm always the one looking out for people. I don't know why I keep feeling bad for all these people when clearly I'm not an important factor to anybody. You know, and it's not to feel sad or or or mad or anything, it's just I have to make changes within myself. Get out the habit of being there for everybody. Get out the habit of overextending myself to people. It's just life is crazy, isn't it guys? It's it's trippy, it's really it's really trippy when you don't you don't stop and think about all this when we're kids that we're gonna be dealing with this. And this is a shit that we we fail on, guys, in school that we don't we don't we don't teach this shit in school. Like honestly, like we don't teach real life problems, real life scenarios to these children or even to us when we were younger. Like, like to be honest with you, I just sometimes stop and think and I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I didn't know they didn't teach me this in school. All I was all all I was taught was how to do math, um, little science things here and there, and how to write a paragraph, which I don't know what writing a paragraph is good for in life. I mean, I guess everything has its own purpose, but they should really be teaching us finances in school, you know, how to budget, uh, how to live, how to survive, if anything, because a lot of people commit suicide, guys. A lot of people give up in life, a lot of people end up homeless, a lot of people end up doing drugs and alcohol because they feel like that's all they've got. Nobody teaches people to just get back up when things hit rock bottom. You know what I mean? And that and that, and that's the sad part about the United States, and that's another thing, guys. Don't don't don't get me started about our country because right now, right now, I am not proud to be an American, and that's just being honest, and this and this has nothing to do with sites, so just it this just this has to do with human distinct, but um, anyways, as I was saying, guys, habits, habits, habits, habits. A lot of people have those, a lot of people have bad habits. Us as humans, guys, we have bad habits, and it's crazy because I see it a lot in relationships around me that I know of, including family. See this is the thing, guys. I think this is what where people fail in relationships is that people expect expect and I say that in capitals, expect for their spouse or the other person to make them happy. Guys, please, please understand no one is responsible for your happiness but you again no one is responsible for your happiness but you stop trying to get into these relationships and dumping your problems into other people's problems. This is why relationships fail. This is why relationships don't even make you further than whatever the heck it is, why marriages don't even last. Because people expect they feel the need because I'm in a relationship, you're expected to take care of this, you're expected to do that, you're expected to not feel this and this and this and this and that. No, you guys all have your own journeys. The work is meeting each other halfway and being able to work through both of you guys' emotions, both of your guys' journeys, and remember that your journey is your journey, not their journey. So don't expect them to figure things out for you or to put on a screw for you, or for them to resolve your mommy or daddy issues. That is for you, so you can evolve as a person, so you, so your soul can evolve for whatever purpose it came for, not the other parties, and I'm guilty of that, and I'm guilty of that, guys, because I did that I did this in my last marriage. I expected this person to always be my happiness. When I felt down, I expected this person to be there and make me happy. When things went down, I expected this person to be there with me and figure it out. It's not like that, you know what I mean? And and it took me a while to learn this. It took me a while to to accept the fact that I have my own journey and I need to figure it out. And I can't expect homeboy over here to to figure things out for me when homeboy also has their own fucking issues. Homeboy also, you know, is broken. You know what I mean? And I'm talking about my partner, I'm just saying in general, like I you can't expect people to figure things out for you, and it's sad, especially coming from your own family when you see things, it's very disappointing, but I have learned to say. I have learned to mind my fucking business. Because apparently to everybody I'm nosy. Apparently to everybody I'm dramatic. Apparently to everybody I'm evil. Cruelty to everybody I'm a bitch. Now I don't know. It's just not my job anymore to prove anything to anybody. It's not my job anymore to explain myself. It's not my responsibility anymore to feel anger for whatever it is they're accusing me of. Again, this goes back to what I said earlier. It's self-reflect, self-reflection, guys. People self-reflect a lot. And I'm guilty of that too. I am very, very, very guilty of self-reflecting onto others in the past. In the past. Because in the last six years, I've been completely different and I take accountability for my own things now. I don't feel sorry for myself. Now um, and what I mean by that is like I don't feel sorry for myself for anything that I've ever gone through in life. And I don't think I've ever been like that. I just I I never felt the need to want to feel sorry for myself. I just I never use my past experiences to treat people like shit. And everybody around me has always been that way. Where they blame all because I grew up this way, I'm this way. La la la la la. No, it's it's it's it's it's a choice. As a grown-up, as an adult, it's a choice. We all choose what we want to do in life daily, if and and people choose to mistreat you, you know. But I'm not like that. I've I've gone through so much in life, and the way that I see it, guys, is as much as uh upsetting it gets sometimes I feel like I need to be the person that no one was for me when I needed them when I was younger, and I feel like that that's the reason why I show up for everybody, including my family, including my partner. Like when I know deep inside, excuse me, I have the hiccups when I know deep inside they don't deserve it. Because they don't they don't meet me halfway because they mistreat me. And top of and top of you know me being there for them, they mistreat me. That's the shitty part, you know. But that's who I am. This is who my soul chooses to be. You know what I mean? I choose to be that way because it's just who it's it with it's within my nature. I don't know if it's a catcher thing, or I don't know if it's because that's just who you know my soul is, and I keep saying my soul, guys, because Sergio is just the name, Sergio is just a human that you know obviously at birth it was given to me, but I'm saying me as a so uh as a soul. I chose to I've always chosen to be loving regardless of anything, and despite of the fact that you know back in the days I would be frustrated and I would show it. Um, but now no, I just I just stay quiet. I don't I don't I don't say anything, I don't fight anymore, I don't argue, honestly. Uh I stopped getting offended by other people's comments, other what others say, because in the end of the day, the way that I see it, guys, this is with all due respect to everybody. I am not gonna take any advice from a broken ass person. Just plain and simple. There's no need for me to take advice from them. Not saying that I'm better, but someone that is very close-minded and choose and choose to be evil. Like, I don't, we don't, we don't, we shouldn't associate. We don't, we're not alike. I I would never be that way. And it's crazy because it took so long. I feel like in the beginning of my relationship, I it took me for so long for my partner to have my partner understand because when I met my partner, Jesus Christ, he was a hot mess. His mentality was crazy and it drove me nuts. It drove me nuts, and I think that's partially why in the beginning of our relationship we fought so much. Because I was just like, damn, this guy's mentality is not it's not to part with me. I don't think that way. Did I at one point? Absolutely. That was the unhealed me, that was the broken me. Like, I I I I just felt like okay, if if um I'm gonna be in a relationship, I need this person to be in the same level as me. And that's where we all fail, guys. We have to we have to meet expectations of how our life should be, how people should be. Like, like I said, we all have to stop and think that again, we all have our own journeys, not everybody's not everything's gonna be, you know, all rainbows and unicorns and and flowers. That would be nice, you know. But imagine how annoying life would be if it was just like that 24-7, just happiness and rainbows and loving and la la la la and and I'm pretty sure that's the purpose that we're here for, but it life on this planet, it's it it it I feel like it was created for us um soul individuals to come and learn our purposes, you know. I'm a hard believer, and I've heard this in many videos that we choose our families way before we're even born. We choose our families and friends way before we even exist. So it's for it's for soul for purpose, like we're supposed to come here and deal with I don't know, I don't know if it's repeating cycles, uh, but we're supposed to come here and learn that lesson and not fall into that lesson negatively, make it into something positive. Um but a lot of people fell in that we we we we we we let life get in the way. Bills would always build bills, guys. Materialistic stuff come and go. I mean, you guys notice things get old, things stop working, and then you go get something new. So we obsess over the wrong things in life, guys. We obsess over materialistic things when our obsession should be just providing and giving love, happiness, and joy around everybody, and I feel like that's the reason why, like, I've always everywhere I go, like I'm always smiling, I'm always you know, willing to to help people, I'm always willing to just make people laugh. Something about me inside me has always told me that I needed to make people laugh because life is too damn serious sometimes, guys. And that's one thing that I enjoyed most a lot was to entertain people when I was a people person, because right now I'll be honest with you guys, I fucking hate people. I hate people, everybody's just so negative, everybody's always just on edge, everybody's always just upset. Life is too crazy out there right now, and it's just I hate people now. I hate entertaining. You know, one thing I I did enjoy a lot doing uh bartending guys was entertaining people, making the people laugh. That's one thing that I did so much with doing bartending was just always joking around, messing with everybody because it's just who I am. Sometimes I stop and thinking, I'm just like, damn, like, where is that person? Like, I miss that guy, I miss that guy so much because he that guy that was making people laugh, that one knowing that maybe these people were going through something in life and they come here to the bar to drink because they're going through stuff, and I'm making them laugh, I'm making them happy. But deep down inside, guys, I was also broken when I was bartending. I was dealing with my grief of an eye on I was dealing with family drama that I never in my life thought you know I would go through. But that didn't give me a reason to to treat everybody around me like shit. Because at the end of the day, it's not their fault, you know, and I also say and I will and I also say this to my best friends, like it's also not your it's not also our not our family's fault either. Have they attacked you? Yes, but I feel like everybody goes through something, you know, when we're younger, and and and some of us don't know how to handle it, so we we we we we rage, you know, we stay upset, we mistreat everybody around us, we miss we don't like when someone's doing better than us, and that's the sad part, guys. We should be cheering each other on, we should be each other's motivations as humans, even if we're not family, you know what I mean? But of course, ego and evilness always gets in the way, but uh I've always said that you know it's not my family's fault either for them being shitty people because like the adults, sometimes I'm just like they've they're doing their best they can with what they know because the generation before them, which is our grandparents and our great-grandparents, did the best they could with what they also knew themselves, you know what I mean? So you can't really like blame people and really go around mistreating people the best you can only do what I'm learning now as an adult. Learning now is like you know, healing and and wanting to understand humankind, just be there for each other. It's it's our it's also it's also a purpose to just love one another, and I feel like that's why I still continue to be there for people that don't deserve it. Honestly, it's just it's just it's just who I am, but it's definitely a bad habit that I'm trying to break. Not because I want to be evil, not because I want to be a bitch, but because I I don't want to waste my life living others lives, or living behind others, being other people's shadow. I want to live my life to the fullest because I am now 35, guys. I I'm very, very thankful that I you know that I got to this age. That I honestly don't feel 35. I feel like I'm younger, my back feels like I'm 40, but that's because of my accident six years ago. But um, you know, I'm 35, and I feel like life just happened like that. So now I'm just like, okay, like I gotta live life to the fullest now. I need to go balls deep in everything and everything that's meaning my podcast. You know, I mean I have the best voice ever, guys, but my passion inside, something that always made me happy has always been singing. Even if I'm the fucking shittiest singer ever, I want to go out there and I want to fucking sing somewhere. I want to sing somewhere in public, karaoke somewhere in public. Oh, I don't know, go somewhere where they have mariachi, sing with the mariachi. Like, I just want to go balls deep in everything now. Like now that I'm 35, like I'm not scared anymore. Not not now knowing that the closest things to me have already tried breaking me and they didn't. I'm just like, okay, if I was able to surpass this, which is the family drama and the relationships, bullshits, bitch, I can fucking figure out life, and you know how much demons I have to deal with outside of family and home? Child, don't even don't even get me started when it comes to work. There's a lot of evil out there, guys. There's a lot of evil, and I and that's this is with my most current job. I thought my co-workers and I were cool, but then I came to realize that all these fucking bitches hated me. And then what's funny is that my supervisors all told me about each and every one of them, all the negative and bad things they had to say about me, and um me be me. I don't like talking behind people's back. I'm I'm I'm I'm up I'm an upfront person, so if I feel something about you, I'll let you know. I have never ever had that problem. It's just that I did help back a lot, not that I'm older, because I want to be considered to people's feelings and intentionally not hurt nobody. I confronted all these bitches about it. I don't give a fuck if I put the supervisors on blast. I was just like, okay, like y'all are fake, you know. This is exactly why I didn't want to click close to anybody. Nobody cared for anything that was going through. They people were just being nosy. But I have to choose to still be friendly with them, you know what I mean? Because at the end of the day, we still fucking work together, you know what I mean. Um, but I'll be 1000% guys. I got fired from that place. I haven't been working, I haven't been working, and I feel like I've been hiding it from everybody. Not that it's anybody's fucking business, to be honest with you, because I'm making my ends meet, my rent's getting paid, my car is getting paid, my bills are getting paid, so I don't feel like I have the need to tell people like, oh hey, I'm not working, because it's no one's business. But I have been hiding this for a couple months, and I'll and it all had to do with that, it all had to do with the fact that I let those demons get to me, and I should have not even reacted, and just should have just minded my business. I should have just changed up, changed up with them and just stayed in my own lane. But it just I in life I don't play like that. You know what I mean? If you guys felt the need to talk about me or say something bad about me, you should have came up to me and I would have made it clear. And this is and this goes to everybody. I've made I've made this very clear to my mom, my dad, my siblings, all my friends, my best friends respect that because my best friends are really good at opening up and telling me when I'm fucking up or not. You know what I mean? And even with my partner, but people tend to fake it. I don't know if it's to be good with you, I don't know if it's to not hurt your feelings. I don't like the fakeness. Keep it real, keep it going down to it. I'm an adult, we're all adults, you know what I mean? And I feel like that's how we should be in life. Like, we need to fucking just be a friend and and and people need to stop getting their feelings fucking hurt. We live in such a fucking sensitive world now these days, guys. It's fucking crazy, it's sad. It really is. It's sad, it's annoying that we have to be dealing with people's bullshit on the daily, you know. But yeah, guys, I don't know where the heck all this came from, you know, with with people being really sensitive. Like, I miss the oldies, guys. I missed the 90s and the early 2000s where people were able to be uh speak up their minds and just be themselves. And shit, if we had something to say, like ha you know, hash it right there and then talk about it or even fucking fight over it. People are so scary now to want to fight. Everybody fights behind a screen, but when you're in person, they they act fake and loving, dovey. And I don't fuck, I don't fuck like that. I I I this is I not that's the reason why I don't make friends. Why I don't choose to make friends anymore. I just keep trying to keep a closure with everybody, and this is why exactly I've always said no one is your friend, everybody's an acquaintance in life, everybody's an acquaintance, a friend is someone that's like family, and a lot of us, you know, we don't have that many, you know. Life's crazy, guys. Life is crazy, isn't it? But um, this is for you, guys. I I we're gonna continue going on episodes every week. Like I said, I'm gonna just go balls deep and everything, guys, on the podcast, the singing. If I want to go be a model or an actor, I'm gonna go fucking do it. I don't give a fuck anymore what anybody says. Everybody's always gonna have an opinion, which is whether if it's negative or positive. Now I know that I don't have the support that I have always wanted from family or even you know relationships. So now I'm just like, fuck it, go, go. Like now, guys, and I hope everybody feels the same way. I feel like now I'm very, very, very, very confident. I'm a very confident person. Do I have some doubts and securities? Maybe. Little ones. I have you know, moments where I do I do feel them. But majority of it, I feel I feel positive. I feel I don't know. I feel very secure of myself. Before I used to be so scared, guys. Oh my god, I used to be so scared, guys, of losing my hair of balding because I've always liked you know fucking with my hair. If people that really know me since middle school or high school have always been dying in my hair and you know, trying different styles. That's just quite yum. I like fucking with my hair, like I like to rediscover myself every time. Um, but throughout the years, obviously, because I did say my jeans from both sides of the family of you know, thinning and also losing hair, you know, including the hairline. Maybe it's just a meant thing, but as I started getting closer to my 30s, obviously my hairline started receding, my hair started thinning. Um, and then over time, obviously, because I I I don't know if smoking tobacco had anything to do with it, but me doing my research, I don't know. Correct me if I'm wrong, guys. But online it says that vaping, which is another you know form of tobacco, uh, can create cancer or also you getting alopecia. Unfortunately, over time, because I did decide to stop smoking cigarettes because I smoked cigarettes, guys, for like seven days. I'm sorry, seven years straight, like every fucking day, like every two to three days, guys. I was buying a new pack of cigarettes. That's how much of a smoker I used to be. I stopped six years ago smoking cigarettes and then I started vaping. I want to say maybe two to three years ago. Two years ago, I don't know what happened in life that I started smoking cigarettes again for like a month and I stopped, and then I continued vaping. And then um, that's when the alopecia spots started coming about in my entire body. It first started in my legs. I was just like, oh you know, I'm just I'm balding around here, la la la, whatever. Left it alone. Then I started noticing it in my stomach, but I never said anything. Eventually, guys, it started turning into my face, so I got it in my neck, it went to the side with my side brinse. Now it's in my mustache, so now I have to make my mustaches really thin when I go to the barber, it's in my eyebrow. Um, and unfortunately, it did reach the top of my head. So on top of dealing with the hair loss and the receding hairline, guys, I'm also dealing with alopecia in my head. So now I have certain spots in my head that are bald. So I came to the conclusion like two months ago that I was gonna shave off my hair completely. My biggest fear came true, guys. My biggest fear came true that I had to get rid of my entire hair. My hair was my life. I got rid of it, and I don't know maybe because I made a change with it myself, or or maybe just because of that in particular scenario. Losing my hair or getting rid of my hair completely was the best decision ever made in my life. It's the easiest thing I can deal with every day. I don't have to comb my hair, I just could jump in the shower. You know, I still use shampoo because obviously I don't want my hair, my hair to smell. You just go in there, you know, boom, boom, boom, really fast, boom, you're done. You don't even have to comb your hair, use no products. So I was just like, you know how much money I'm gonna be saving in hair products now? Shampoo. I mean, I use a little drop now because it's just to make sure that my hair doesn't smell, you know, when I switch. So I'm just like, wow, you know, I feel very confident now. I love bald me. I think he's sexy. I think he's sexy. You know, obviously it's a different look for me, but from other compliments I've been getting, uh, a lot of people like it, especially in public. People tell me, you know, you're you're very handsome. So I'm just like, oh okay, well, maybe it was the hair. The only ones I get bad things from is my partner and my and my family, which I see it as jealousy. I don't give a fuck. I'm confident. I love myself, guys. I feel really, really happy with who I am today. I love the baldness, it's a new look for me. I love it. You know, I feel good within my body. I'm not as fat, guys. You know, I used to be really fatter back in the days when I was in my last relationship when I was very depressed. I weighed about 200, 235, almost 240 pounds. Lost it out when I, you know, got divorced. Dropped to 155. I met my partner, my current partner, and you know, I gained a little bit of weight. I didn't gain that much weight. You know, almost being four years into a relationship, I only gained like 15 pounds, guys. Because I ran out weigh 171 or 72, somewhere around there. 172.3.5. I'm just kidding, guys. But um I'm happy where I'm at. You know, I would love to, you know, work out, you know, be fit. Unfortunately, because of my car accident a few years ago, my body's not the same, so I'm not able to do a lot of workouts uh because of my back uh issue. According to chiropractors, there's nothing wrong with my back. Uh but I obviously, me as a person, I I internally feel the pain daily, and it's daily. I mean it when like the moment I wake up, guys, like my back's already hurting. Once I'm up and stuff, like I feel fine, but if I'm standing up in one place for too long, my back starts to hurt, so then I have to sit down. And then if I sit down for too long, my back starts to hurt. And let's not talk about you know laying in my stomach, guys. When I lay in my stomach, oh my god, my back sometimes locks and I can't fucking move. I cannot fucking move. But um you know, things are just a little different now. You know, I'm I'm working with what I got, okay? But um, I feel so good, guys, to be back. I you know, like I said, I am 35 years old now. My I just had a recent birthday, it was the best birthday I could ever ask for, honestly. Um I was able to actually be with my brother, so I never thought in my life we would be because we have some sort of you know resentment within each other. But having to have my brothers there with me, including my brother that you know lives in Fresno came down, and seeing that moment, I'm really really happy because I never thought we were gonna ever do that. Like, like ever. So I took in the moment. Obviously, they're they're annoying, they talk shit, and they continue to be them, but I'm very, very thankful for that. And then what's crazy, guys, is when I was sitting there taking in the moment, I felt this sense of okay, like okay, like it was peaceful. I don't know if it means shit, I'm dying soon, but it's just I can't explain the feeling. It was just a beautiful feeling, and I'm just really thankful for it, you know, that my family was all there. My niece and nephew were there, my grandma, my uncle. The only one that was missing was my aunt from Vegas and um my two little cousins, her her daughters. But that's because she's working two jobs, so that I understand. I'm not gonna hold it against her. Um, but hope to see her soon because I do miss my little family, I miss my little gang. I just I know that we all have our own journeys right now, we're all dealing with our own journeys, and I hope everybody heals. That honestly, that was my biggest wish when I blew my candles, and I said it out loud. I was just like, you know, I hope everybody here heals. Honestly, and I wish that for everybody, including my partner. I even tell my partner, like, if you need to go through this healing journey, like with your grief by your own, like do so. Like, it would be sad because I'm used to him for the last almost four years, but we have no control of that, you know. We have no control of what people feel, we have no control if people fall out of love, if if you know, we're pulled different directions for a reason, and I'm just gonna go with the flow with life. Like, I'm not gonna fight it, I'm not gonna save it. You know, it is what it is. But I do want to say thank you guys for holding on and continuing to holding on to me to all the people that have messaged me throughout the couple months, you know, asking if I was gonna record because they listen to my podcast and it helps them a lot. Like, thank you guys so much, honestly. I didn't think anybody cared. Um, it's just like I said, I I've been dealing with my own things, and I gotta take care of myself too before I can be up here preaching and praying and you know helping you guys. But you know, we can all heal together. But thank you guys. You know, we throughout the time though, people were still listening. Now we're in over a hundred and thirteen different countries, guys. Which I didn't even know that many fucking existed, to be honest with you. I thought we were just like five continents and that's it. But um I'm internally grateful and and pray up, guys, stay positive and be happy, and remember to always forgive and forget, and remember that everything that we do in life is for us, not for the other person. Okay, so I love you guys, and I'll see you guys. I'll see you guys next week.