Coming Out the Closet

Coming out the closet was not easy, but 22 years ago I was brave enough to confront my biggest fear, of coming out the closet to my family. It came with a few challenges but over all I was blessed with an amazing family that was welcoming and move loving after the fact. Not everyone gets to experience a beautiful moment like this. But you’re not alone! Come with me as I go down memory lane when I finally said, I need to be me! 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hi, free spirits. Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. And to all my new free spirits, hi guys, how are you? Good morning, guys. How are you? Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. I hope you guys are having a great week. I'm having such an amazing week actually. I feel like I've been going through a lot of spiritual awakening moments in the last uh week or so. Uh, I've been very, very emotional. I don't know why, but I feel like I just been going with the flow. Um trying to understand. I feel like I'm grieving old versions of me. Uh, I feel like there's changes happening, and uh I'm just embracing the moment. But on today's episode, I did want to talk about coming out the closet because a lot of people always ask me this question. I feel like I've I've talked about it here and there on some episodes, but I wanted to share my experience coming out the closet on this episode, so I think people have a wrong misconception of gay people. I get um the majority of us, and I say majority of us because I was also a victim, excuse me, but um majority of us do tend to to go through some sexual abuse because we are easy targets to these predators, uh, because they know that we are you know gay. But let's go back to when I was a kid. So just to make things clear, guys, people are not made gay, people are born gay. When we're born, we all know what we like, we all know you know what interests us. So we to make things clear to people as a gay person, we are not made gay. To make that clear again, we're not made gay, we are born gay. I can remember as small as four years old when I can uh having my last memory of being a kid, or as young as that age, is experiencing you know feelings for for boys, for boys I used to play with. I remember around that around that time, um, anything feminine used to fantasize me. Like I used to love messing with my mom's uh heels, her dresses, her makeup. Yes, I know I was young, but I was messing around with all this stuff before. Um, I remember one time, I think I believe I was I want to say around seven or eight. Um, I was trying on a burgundy dress on my mom's. I remember it was one of those uh soft materials, uh, and then the matching shoes that she had with them, and I put them on in my room, and I thought I was home alone, guys. I really thought I was home alone with my brothers, so I was over there just being myself and my mom walked in. My mom walked in and she saw me with a dress on, and she beat the living fuck out of me. But um, I just remember always being so feminine when I was a kid. I always loved being with my girl cousins instead of being with my guy cousins. My guy cousins were too were too tough for me, they were assholes. So I I was more driven to hang out with the girls. Um, something about the girls just I I always liked. Uh, we always played Barbies, you know, doing makeup on the girls. I always always did my girl cousins hair. I was always doing different hairstyles, curling their hair, you know, braiding it. I just always knew I was gay. I just knew that I couldn't come out the closet or confirm it with anybody that I was gay. I'm pretty sure my family or my mom already knew that I was gay because I do remember if I think back to that time and age, which it was like elementary, I was very feminine. I used to wear really tight clothes, and that's something that I liked around the time. I don't know why. Uh, I don't know if it was a gay thing, but I remember just always wearing tight little shorts and tight pants. Um obviously it had a nice figure, so I was always showing it off. But I think that's what made me a target to a lot of people because obviously I was you know taken advantage of as a kid sexually, um, by a lot of people, actually. By a lot of people, but I already knew I was gay, so me being sexually abused had nothing to do with me becoming gay. I just became very angry and depressed because I didn't know what was going on. I honestly didn't know what sex was, you know. Obviously, you know, to point out the obvious sex comes with pleasure, and it felt good. I just remember always being in pain. Um, but you know, being gay, not trying to come out, it was it was it was it was really hard trying to act straight, but I just remember everything about women, just you know, it trigged me. Like I was I remember guys, I was always in love with the Charlie's angels. I always wanted to be one of the Charlie's angels. Which one? I don't know, but I always wanted to be one of them, but um, you know, like I said, all of that made me a target because I was sexually abused by one of my mom's ex-boyfriends. Um, my mother didn't know about it. Um, and before anybody talks shit, my mom didn't know, so please don't attack her. Uh, I was given permission by her that if this is gonna help me in my journey, go ahead and talk about it. So I'm gonna talk about it. But my mom's ex-boyfriend was the one that molested me. One of the people, he's the one that actually took it further. And um, you know, it happened for for days, uh, for years. Uh on top of that, you know, there was people in the neighborhood that would always like take advantage of the fact that I was out playing with my brothers and the neighbor kids, and somehow would try to get me to like you know get closer to their houses. There were multiple men in around my area that actually tried um doing things with me, you know, they would pull out you know their private parts, and I just wouldn't know what what to do. You know, I was around maybe 10, 11 years old. You know, I was an innocent kid, you know, just being out playing with other kids. Um, obviously, a few did go for uh far, and that's when you know I became angry, and I I I I remember being in a middle school thinking that maybe I was confused, maybe in denial, because I you know I was sexually abused at a young age. So obviously, in between the years, school years, I um I had girlfriends, I had multiple girlfriends. There was multiple girls that outside of school that I will, you know, hang out with. And yes, before anybody starts asking, because I know I get this stupid question all the time like, did you ever have sex with a woman? Yes, I have, guys, with multiple women's. Um, because I grew up in a really religious home. My great my grandma, uh, from my mom's side is really religious. Uh, she's very, very Catholic, so uh being gay is obviously out of the question. Anything that has to do with the Bible, you're bringing this in is out of the question within the family. So that prompted me to be scared and come out of the closet. So, you know, I started having girlfriends and sexual relationships to see maybe I was confused. You know, I'm not gonna lie, guys. I did have my feelings for a lot of these girls, you know. I to me they were beautiful, and and and with some, I did picture and imagine a future with them, but then I quickly realized that I was living someone else's fantasy, uh, someone else's dream of who I should be, which is you know the family and the great grandma. So I decided to come out of the closet. Um to my mom. I I don't think I've ever came out to my brothers, to be honest with you. I think my brothers already knew that I was gay. I feel like part of them didn't give a shit. Uh but I'll go I'll go into detail when it comes to my uh my siblings. Um, but to kind of explain to you guys how coming out of the closet was this is the little background story that I'm pretty sure I shared. I can't remember, guys. You know, I don't really go back and listen to all my episodes. But I remember in particular the night that I came out, I want to say I was maybe in sixth or seventh grade. I already have some girlfriends, uh, or was it eighth grade? I want to say it was eighth grade. Anyways, I remember we were in La Puente, there used to be a laundromat right there off of Amar and uh Hacienda. I wanna say it's still there, it's right there in the shopping center where CVS is at and Gonzalez, isn't it? But, anyways, I remember I was already thinking about this for days and weeks. At this point, I want to say I was maybe like I don't know, 14 13, no, 13. I want to say I was 12 or 13. Um, uh obviously because of everything that was going on, I felt like I needed to be myself because I was becoming a very angry kid. I was becoming a very, very angry kid because of everything that was happening. I was not open about talking about what was going on with me, but I was open to letting my mom know, you know, my preferences. So I was so scared. I remember talking to all my friends and asking them, like, should I let them should I let my mom know? Like, my friends already knew who I was. Um, and one of my friends, Mercedes, which I love so much, she was the first person that I actually opened up to about anything that was happening to me. I remember crying to her and she hugged me. Um, and she told me I was loved. And then she convinced me to tell my mom. She's like, Go ahead and tell your mom, like, you need to be happy, you need to be yourself. So, obviously, for a few days I was panting back and forth, thinking, like, oh my god, how is my mom gonna take it? What is she gonna say? And that night came, that night came up, we went to go do laundry. You know, obviously, my mom was a single mother, so she was always out every week washing clothes for not only herself but for for other little humans, so for five people, and that was always her help. So we went to the laundry, uh, we were washing, and I remember I was just panting back and forth from the back of the laundry map to the front, outside, to her, back to the back, to the front. And it was just because I kept thinking, I was like, Oh my god, wait, should I tell mom? I'm scared, should I tell her now? She asked me if I was okay, and I was like, I'm fine. And she's like, Are you sure there's something you want to tell me? And I left it like that, didn't say anything. We folded the clothes. Uh, we were driving home. I remember it was a rainy night. We packed the car, we were heading back home, and she asked me, Are you sure you're okay? And I was just like, No, there's something I want to tell you. I just don't know how to tell you. And my mom was like, Well, you could tell me. I think she already had a feeling, and I just remember starting to, you know, cry, and she was like, 'Are you okay?' and I was just like, Yeah. And I told her, I was like, I think I'm bisexual, mom. And my mom stood quiet, and then she was just like, You think you're bisexual or are you gay? And I was just like, Well, I don't know. And then she goes, What are the differences? And I was like, Well, bisexual is meaning that you know I like both men and women because I do, you know, at the time, I think I had a girlfriend, or like a little, I don't remember. I already had had a girlfriend, I just you know I wasn't in a relationship. So I was like, Okay, whatever, I'm gay, I guess. I don't like women, and she was like, Okay, I already knew, I was just waiting for you to come out, and I was like, Oh, okay, that's fine. So, in that moment, with her reaction, her saying that, I was like, Okay, I feel comfortable and safe enough to tell my mom how it's been happening to me for the last four years, and um, and I told her, I also have something else to tell you, and she was like, Okay, that's fine, we're we're already here. She had parked the car in front of the house, and she's like, Talk to me, and I think it was just the both of us, if I'm not mistaken. And I think that was the reason why it gave me the courage to actually open up to her. So then I told her, I have been sexually abused for the last four years. At this point, guys, my mom already had left her ex-boyfriend. I think it was already like a few months that they had left each other. I don't know what the reason was, but I think maybe she had a suspicion that she he was cheating, which I hope he was, you know, with me obviously, or maybe someone else, I don't know. But um, I told her so-and-so has been molesting me, and I just remember her reaction just turning pale and her whole face just dropped, and she was just like, What? So then I repeated it again, uh, you know, this person's name because I wanted to make it clear that who it was. Um I was too afraid to speak up about the other people's because at the same time when this certain individual, my mom's ex, was molesting me. Like I said, there were people around the neighborhood that were also taking advantage of me. At that point, I feel like it wasn't necessary for me to see me speak up because some of those people already had moved out from that area, so I was just like, I'm not even gonna say anything about these people, I'm just gonna say about this one because he keeps trying to come into our lives, and at that point, I was already over it because I already knew this was going on for like four years, guys, almost every single fucking night, and sometimes, guys, it was during the day. This this fool, because my mom would leave, he would leave. Um, we'll get there, we will get there. Excuse me. So basically, um, you know, I told her, you know, so-and-so is uh molesting me, and and uh I've always knew it was wrong. I just wanted to, you know, come forward with it. And irash was like, let's go tell the cops. At that point, I was already embarrassed, I was shy, I was already, you know, really already dealing with a lot of abuse from that. Um from my father too, because he was physically abusive to me. On top of that, I you know, I was being bullied at school, so I just I didn't want to post all that embarrassment or anything because I knew you know this would probably become I don't know. My biggest fear was for it to become you know all over the news. So I was just like, No, I'm okay. Talk to him however you want to talk to him, confirm about it, but don't include you know any law enforcement. So she was like, Are you sure? Are you lying? And I think because of me not wanting to go in the cops, if she she was doubting it, I regretted it that night because she should dump. She went straight to her room, she didn't talk to me. I remember calling my friend and telling her, like, I told her, and I started crying, and I was just like, What am I gonna do? My mom's gonna hate me, she's not gonna love me. And I feel like ever since that's when things started between me and my mom. As far as like, I don't I feel like I don't know if it's resentment or anger. Because I've always loved my mom, I'm always gonna love my mom, regardless of if she's ever, you know, bad to me or good to me or evil, whatever, which she's not, you know. My mom is just my mom. Um, I feel like because of that situation, my mom and I like kind of distanced from each other, and I feel like she did gain a lot of anger because I noticed after that my mom started becoming more and more controlling of me. I wasn't able to hang out with people, I wasn't able to hang out with friends, I wasn't able to go to parties. Um, I feel like she had her moments of denial. I don't know if it had something to do with the boyfriend or the fact that I was gay, but when I came out of the closet, obviously I felt the freedom to want to express myself and be myself, so I started dressing a little more gay because when I wasn't out of the closet, I was actually wearing a lot of baggy clothes. I was wearing baggy clothes, you know, I was wearing echo, I was trying to be a pretty boy, uh, but still, you know, kept up with myself, you know, given away that I was gay. But um I used to I used to dress a little, I guess, homie boyish. So one year coming back from school, I was just like, Well, I came out of the closet already. Let me go ahead and just start dressing myself a little bit. So I started wearing skinny jeans. This is where skinny jeans were in. So I started wearing very tight skinny jeans. Um, I was wearing holister tight shirts, you know, vents, like very just showing my body because I was in I at this point, I was already going into high school, so I was ready to show off. You know, I had a little twink body, guys. I had a little skinny waist, you know, a little big booty. So I was always like I like showing off my body, um, because I was already I was already out of the closet, and at that point, I didn't realize that me sexualizing my body was a way of attracting men. You know, we'll talk about that uh a little bit on, but uh obviously, you know, that comes with the trauma of being sexually abused, you adapt to what you think it's normal or quote unquote love, you know. But given with that change of clothes, I feel like my mom um in a way was embarrassed of who I was starting to become because she became very angry to the point that she would start judging the way I walked, the way I acted, the way I spoke, to the point that the way I was dressing, and she would tell me why do you have to let the people know why do you have to let people know that you're gay? Why can't you just dress normal and and you know and keep it on the low? And I was just like, Wow, like are you ashamed of me? And I feel like I struggled with this with my mother so much till out my mid-20s when I started actually growing some balls, guys, some thick skin, and not giving a shit about what anybody thought about me. But my mom was really mean to me. I I I uh not really mean. I'm not let me let me rephrase that. She wasn't too to me because she still loved me as a person. She just didn't, you know, like my choice of lifestyle. Um, but to me, obviously I was young, so I I saw it as she was embarrassed of me. Until one day I asked her, I was like, Are you fucking embarrassing me? Because you you keep telling me how to dress, how to walk. Like, I don't like that you do that to me. Like, you're trying to keep me, you know, trying to put me back in the closet. I don't want to do that. And she, you know, basically told me with anger, she was like, I'm not trying to hurt you. She's like, I'm protecting you. This world is ugly. You don't know how ugly this world is when it comes to people like you. Like, people hate you. Like, I don't want nothing to happen to you. I want nothing hurt, not nobody hurting you. And at that point, I came to realize, like, okay, I get I get what she's doing, like she's protecting me. Like, you know what a mother would do is just protect you, protect you. But I also needed to let her know, like, you need to understand, mama, that I am my own person. Like I told her, I watched you grow, I watched you, you know, become who you are today, a single mother with four kids. So I I know that I come from a very strong bloodline of uh you know of a strong woman, so you know, strong blood runs in me. I can handle it, mom. Yes, I was really sensitive when it came to my family because my family, we all know, guys, family, family are shitheads. Family will talk shit about you regardless if you're doing good or bad. So it's just family. So with them, yes, I would get butthurt, but with other people, I started to realize that I was carrying that with people when people would attack me, which that came with a lot of my insecurities and anger growing up. Um, I resented my mom for a while for for acting like that with me because I felt like she didn't love me. Obviously, this is my younger mentality, so I didn't know better when I was younger, but I I was always angry with my mom. I always give her attitude because for that reason, and you know, in a way I feel like I I I became angry towards my mom and my father too, actually, because I feel like they both forced me to grow up. So fast because I was the oldest, but that was my story coming out with my mom, and you know, my mom for a while she struggled with my sexuality till I was like maybe in like almost late 20s. Where I think she kind of realized like I he got it, like he can defend himself because I don't let myself from anybody, I don't let myself from my own family, let alone you know, people I don't even know. So I think she realized that okay, like he can actually defend himself, like let me relax. So then I feel like my mom pulled the weight, and you know, we started having a beautiful relationship where we started, you know, obviously talking about makeup and stuff like that, and and heels and stuff like that. Like I remember in high school, guys, when I was working, um, I was working two jobs. I was working at McDonald's and Vitamin Secrets in high school. My mom, you obviously was a single mother, so I was trying to help her pay bills, and more than anything, I was trying to help her, you know, worry about one less child, uh, so I can buy my own stuff. I was already working in high school, I was already working by I want to say the sixth grade. So throughout school, I was always buying my own clothes, my own school supplies, you know, taking off that extra baggage off my mom. Um, where was I going with this? I forgot. But basically, is that um coming out of the closet was actually a beautiful yet you know ugly experience for me because of all the things that I was going through on the side. Uh, but for me, it wasn't even that bad. You know, I also came out to my extended family, which is my dad's side of the family, um, letting them know like I was gay, and with that, it was such a beautiful experience because my entire family actually was very welcoming. Everybody um told me they already knew. They my entire cousins, I grew up with all my cousins, guys. Um, like I've always mentioned before, and if people have seen in my post, my Nino was like my dad figure. My Nino was always there for me, my dad was everything for me. So I will always grow up with my cousins. So they were like my siblings, and I feel like within they were more welcoming compared to my family, they were more accepting of it. They hugged me, they all loved me. They all told me that regardless, they would always love me, that I was always gonna be family. I think that's where I came to love my family so much, and I always wanted to be with that side of the family because they just they love me, they let me be me. And you know, when I came out to my Nino, my Nino's like, okay, what's your point? And I'll just like, I don't know, just coming out. He's like, you don't have to come out, you don't have to tell me anything, you know. You're your own person, you live your life how you want it, without being apologetic, unapologetic. Sorry, you know, don't give a shit about what anybody thinks. Like, you'll be you, you will be happy, like you're your own person. We're all born to be our own people, like you're not here to please people. And I'll just like, oh my god, like I love my family, like they're very, very, very asepty aside from my mom. I remember my my Nina would always I would always cry to my Nina telling him, like, my mom's being mean today again, like, she's not letting me be myself. She keeps, you know, she keeps saying this is too gay. And my Nino would be like, you know, missing around, like, you already know how your mom, your mom is, your mom's a bitch. Because everybody knows that my mom's mean. My mom even says it herself, she knows that she's a bitch, she knows that she can be mean. She can't, I mean, I that's one thing I can appreciate about my mom, guys, is that she can actually accept the fact that she that she could be a cunt sometimes. But that's one thing that I'm also learning right now during my healing process, guys, and and being an older person that I feel that I see now as the older person, older son, that I catch myself having to school both of my parents about things that they're doing wrong. Like, hey, you shouldn't be doing this, and and you know, I'm not rude about it. Uh, I just tell them, like, hey, like, knock it off. What you're doing is not okay. And you can tell that they're taking in the information that, like, okay, maybe he's right. And it's it's not that I'm trying to correct them, I'm not the I'm not the parent. I still respect their position as I as as they're you know, the human beings that they are in my life. As that sometimes you have to let them know because of a lot of the way they are, affects the family, you know, affects the kids or my brothers, whatever. And you know, and quite frankly, you know, it affects people because it affected me a lot how they treated me verbally. You know, I grew very insecure because of my family. So now that I'm older and I'm secure and I'm healing and everything, like I try to correct my family as much as I can. I can't heal my family. That's up to them on their own if they want to heal themselves, but I can definitely show experiences and and uh um you know what I have learned and you know, telling my family, hey, you can't be this way, and I'm okay speaking up to them now and standing up to them, like hey, like stop. That's that's wrong. And for a while I felt wrong, but to be honest with you guys, I feel and I see God's work happening like right before my eyes now. Like, never in a million years, like I said before, on my birthday, guys, my partner put together this dinner, hibachi dinner, with my entire you know, immediate family, which is my siblings, all my you know, sister-in-laws, my parents, my grandma, you know, my uncles, and all my nieces and nephews. Never in the trillion mere I'm sorry, in a trillion million years did I ever think that my family and I would be together again in a room or in one spot without us fighting or arguing or bickering or being down each other's throat, you know? And for my birthday, we were able to do that, and seeing that I took in I took in that beautiful moment because I never in a million years thought that we were all being a room together again, and I feel like this is something that I've always prayed for to God, and it was happening right in front of me. And you know, throughout the years, in the last six years, I distanced myself a lot from my family because there was so much going on that I couldn't be okay with. I feel like they all had a lot of internal issues going on that they needed to, you know, figure out on their own. I feel like my mom for a while depended on me to try to fix my brothers or keep them together because I was my mom's right hand when I was younger, you know, I was the one that helped her babysitter. I was her free babysitter. I helped her you know feed my brothers. I was always cooking for my brothers when she was working, getting them ready for school, making sure they're doing their homework. So I was always like my mom's partner when it came to my brothers. Um, you know, one year I just decided I'm not gonna help you anymore. Like we're almost hitting 30, like they need to figure out their own fucking lives, like stop babying them. This is why they are who they are today. Um, but yeah, we distanced ourselves because of a lot of situations. Uh, you know, one wasn't irritated with the other one, the other one was irritated with the other one, and it was just never a great time. Or if say, for instance, if we were together as a family, we were drinked, and things will happen, and it's just it's it's just been really crazy. And you know, in the last few months I've noticed that there's been situations going on between us and the family, but we've been handling a little bit more different, and I feel like now, now that I've been coming more verbal about who they are as people, and I keep telling them like I need them to change, I need them to be different. I don't even know if it's even the podcast that's helping, I don't know if it's me help, you know, being open about everything, but I feel like there's been change within our family, there's been a lot of great change within my brothers, or there's been a lot of great change within us, and then now we're looking for we look for each other more than anything. I feel like now we're enjoying the moment, we're enjoying the moment with you know with each other. But that's a different episode, guys. Going back to my LGBT story, um, but yeah, guys, that was my beautiful coming out story, you know, around my young age. I've I've been out, guys, already. I wanna say I'm 35. I was maybe it's been 20 years, guys, that I've been out. 20 years, 20 years that I've been out, 20 actually 22 years, 22 years that I've been out of the closet, and I feel like to this day my grandmother is still in denial. Uh still is hoping that one day I would just I don't know, become straight, I guess. Um but bless my grandma's heart. I know where she's coming from, but I feel like a I can never have a solo moment with my grandma because the moments I have when my grandma she'll start talking to me about the Bible, and you know, about me being gay and this and this and that. Sometimes she'll tell me like, this is why you never have money, is because you're gay. And I'm like, no, I'm I don't have money because I always think I can handle more than I can handle, and I can't afford shit, but I have to keep up with the lifestyle that I like. Um and I just feel like my grandma's always gonna be like that, and you know, I don't hate her, I don't blame her, it's just it's just who she is. Growing up, guys, I I feel like my brothers were ashamed of me because I was gay. Um, because during school they never talked to me, they would never talk to me. They always you know, it was always just a damn three, and even when like we'll go to parties and stuff like that, like they would all be taking selfish together. It was never the four of us, I was always them three, and I for a while I I I I I it it hurt me because I thought, man, like they're embarrassed of me, like they don't want anything to do with me. Um, now that I'm older, I don't really care. I'm just like maybe I don't know. I don't know. I maybe they were, maybe they weren't. I don't know. I just never had the opportunity to sit and talk to my brothers, which I would love to, you know. I've I've tried many times, guys, in the last couple years to telling my brothers like we should have like a brother day and us go somewhere, or you know what? We haven't had a date with just the five of us, my mom and her four kids, because there was always just the five of us back in the days, and I've even offered as far as like us going to I don't know, a theme park or having that brunch together, just the five of us and talk because I feel like a lot of things have happened in between all those years, not in the last six years, but in between the years that we don't even talk about, even as kids, you know, we don't talk about or haven't been open about it, and I feel like we we're old enough to talk and have that conversation about things that happened either to us uh individually or as a whole. But I would love my biggest dream is for us to have that opportunity so we can talk. I feel like if we had that opportunity, I feel like me, my siblings, and my mom, we will all just mature together and grow. But I got shut down. My brothers, one of them, obviously, one of them I have I have problems with uh not me with him in particular, just him with me in particular. I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing what happened with him, but but obviously, a situation with him that I was involved in and law enforcement was involved. He felt like I traded betrayed him, which I didn't. Um, I would go maybe into the tone and episode of why to me was a way of protection, but he saw something else. Um but you know, I just feel like that in particular brother still has resentment towards me about the situation that happened six years ago, guys. Six years ago. I'm the person that if something happens, I'll let you, I'll let it go. I just wouldn't trust you, you know. Um, but in between the years, like I still love my brother. I I'm still there for him, like I still show up for them. I I I still you know check up on him, and I'm just ready, guys. I've been ready for so so long to just mature. Like, I like I've told my mom before, like, I'm ready to enjoy adulthood with my brothers. You know, I enjoyed childhood the best I could with with them. Like, I missed those days where we looked for each other, I missed those days where we did everything together, and just now seems like we hate each other, or like we can't stand each other, or we can't even be in the same room. Um but that's the dream, guys. That's the goal, and I hope that one day when we're all ready, uh, we can sit down and talk. And I pray for my civilians every day that they that they heal because I do see a lot of self-harm within themselves, and I feel like a lot of it has to do with how we grew up, but sometimes it's kind of like frustrating because I'm just like, okay, if I was able to deal with a lot of abuse growing up and I'm I'm semi-okay, I was able to pull through life, like I expect you guys to do the same thing. I feel like sometimes my brothers they hit rock bottom and they just stay there and they give up and they get too comfortable, and they've been there, they don't move from there. And I'm just like, what are you doing? Life's fucking short. Get the fuck up, go try again. If they said no, that's fine. Go and do it, do it again. Um, but I do see that a lot within a couple of my brothers where I'm just like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Like, life is gonna forever be hard, guys, until we're older, until we're probably gone. It's just about how we handle it, you know. And I feel like I've handled it a little bit gracefully and a little better than my siblings. Um, you know, I'm obviously I'm human, so I have had a moment of cracking, but I I I try not to stay stuck when things happen to me because that's just life, it's a it's everything's a lesson for our own personal growth, so that's the way that I see it, you know. But um, but yeah, going back to my gay story in public growing up, I've I've had my moments with people in school where I was always bullied for being gay. Um, once I got a little bit older when I was in high school, then then I feel like that's when shit started happening where everything was just like, oh my god, let's have sex. Like, I kid you guys, I could you not, guys. Like, there's a bunch of straight guys in my high school that tried sleeping with me. A lot of these bitches, I'm sorry, a lot of these motherfuckers actually had girlfriends, and they would try to do things with me. Majority of times, guys, it wasn't successful because I knew it was wrong, and I was like, You have a girlfriend, like I'm gonna do this, but obviously, you know, curiosity, you know, kicks in and and people will get curious, and obviously, there was a few guys I'm not proud of this that I did sleep with. Um, only because you know, obviously, for me being molested, I actually had around my teenage life, I was very, very sexually active, and you know, I would confuse sex for love. So whoever tried to give me sex, like I would just, you know, I guess do it. Um, but I feel like that was a lot of the struggle that happened with me getting older. Is is that people were just using me for pleasure and I mistaked it for something else. Um, but I was bullied a lot during school for being gay. Um, it stopped maybe. I want to say maybe my sophomore year when I finally started speaking up and started talking shit back to people and wanting to fight people, where I finally got the respect of the world that of who I am, and finally when I was out, you know, as an adult, I started just rocking myself like I'm not gonna be ashamed of who I am, like this is who I am. Like, love me as a whole, or don't even be part of my life. And I basically that's the you know the motto that I give to my family. Like, if you want to be a part of my five, fine, but if you don't, shit, you know, by all means go live your life. Um, and I feel like that's how I got a little bit of the respect of my family of who I am to this day. They still struggle a little bit where I'm dressed. You know, I'm I've always been that extra person that I like to be, you know, look bougie, but I'm not bougie. Like I don't like a lot of the shit that I wear, guys, is from ACOs or Fashionova or from freaking what's the other one called? Um shit, I forgot what it's called, but you know, all my clothes, guys, is it's cheap. It's just it's how you rock it, it's how you make it look. And I love making my clothes look like it was expensive, and you know, obviously, I like to you know wear my buttons up all the way down. Like it's just I feel comfortable with myself and my sexuality and and who I am and my and me being feminine. You know, I take care of myself, I do my eyebrows a lot, guys. You know, I shit, I you know, I get my hair cut once a week, I get my manicures, like I always upkeep with myself, but there is moments when I dress up to parties, and they're like, Why are you wearing that? And I know they're in their mind, they're like, Oh, that looks gay, but I'm just like, bro, like we're in 20, 25, 26, like, get the fuck over it. I've been out for 22 years, like, stop trying to change me. Like, now I just don't care. I'm just like, whatever, maybe you're gay. Just kidding. Um, but yeah, that was my wonderful coming out closet, uh, coming out of the closet story, guys. Um, sorry, it wasn't nothing too crazy for you guys. I I was fortunate enough to you know have that experience, beautiful experience with my family of acceptance uh with my sexuality, you know, despite my mom, but I know it was just her of a protection. Um, but it was beautiful, you know. If you I hear a lot of stories about all these people coming out of the closet, and you know, some people are you know get kicked off, some are homeless, you know, and it's sad, you know, that their own family does it to them. But I am forever thankful that that wasn't my case, you know. I didn't come out to my dad to like I was like maybe 25, 26. I didn't feel the need to tell him because we didn't have a relationship, you know, he was out of the picture when I was already six years old, so I didn't feel the need to tell him anything. But I told him out of respect, you know, he cried and he told me that you know he apologized actually because my dad abused me a lot as a kid because I think he already knew that I was gay, but you know, in the Mexican household being gay is bad, and especially when you know your son is bad uh gay, you know, it's like uh it hurts their ego. So my dad was always trying to beat the living, you know, beat the gay out of me every moment that he could. Excuse me. Um and he started to cry, and he told me that he was sorry for treating me the way he treated me. Uh that he doesn't know why he did it, but you know, he did let him let me know that he still loves me regardless, that he never loved me any less. He was just, you know, dealing with his own demons, and you know, the fact that he acknowledged that that's what made me respect him a little more. And I hope with that, you know, my family understands why I'm having a relationship with my father now. Uh, is because I forgave him. I know that a lot of hurt came from him, you know, other things that I'm feeling like I'm not ready to talk about. Um, but I forgave him. I forgave him. And I've told him before, you know, I forgive you for you. Like, I mean, I forgive you for myself, I don't forgive you for you. So I hope you understand that. Just do your part, you know, take accountability and then we'll see how things go. And my dad and I actually have had a beautiful relationship in the last seven months. Um, and I and I like it, I enjoy it. And and you know, I'm not gonna change it. I don't care what my siblings think or my mom, you know. The end of the day, like I said, I'm doing it for me. And then the day that's told my father, like I told my mom, my mom is not affecting our relationship because I text my mom every day, too. And you know, I talk call her every day, or try to. Uh, but we do text every day. Um, my dad and I do talk on the phone a lot more. Um, I feel like my mom is more closer to my brothers because they're younger, or maybe because I distance myself, but I feel like I'm maybe a little bit closer to my dad now because my dad kicks up on me daily, you know. Um, but yeah, um I'm just thankful, guys, again, for being able to grow up this way, and you know, and learn to love myself. I feel like I will be forever um healing. I don't think anybody's 1000% ever healed, but I'm definitely always learning, trying to strive. I always strive to be different and be a better version of myself. I don't really tend to try to create the same mistakes over and over. Um I just now don't care to explain myself to anybody whatever anybody thinks about me. I feel like already are feelings that they had about me, or even like, for instance, I feel like there's outside people outside of family that feel a certain way about me, but I feel it's because they hear things about me. But again, I don't care to talk to anybody or defend myself. I'm just like, hey, whatever. Life is beautiful, guys. I've always tell people life is beautiful. Um, I know life is hard and it can be hard. Um, I wish they taught a lot of this to us when we were younger, where we could just handle life gracefully and and and learn that things are not all serious. But I mean, I guess it's all part of evolution, it's all part of our soul journeys. Um just keep in mind, guys, we're not born to please anybody, we're not born to get married, we're not born to find love within someone else, or to find love within, you know, materialistic things, guys. We are born to learn self-love, self-acceptance, and I feel like a lot of the addictions that a lot of us face in life comes with a lot of the traumas that we grew up with. But I feel like it's a lot of the what we chose as our souls to come here to learn from before we pass on to the next realm, you know. I don't know, it's just a spiritual thing, spiritual thing about me that I think, but I do definitely think, like I've said this before, that we move on and our soul moves on to a different level and we learn things there, and then we once we learn things there, we move to the next one. And all I know is that I'm I'm over earth, guys. I've always said this this is fucking hell, and I just want to move up to heaven because shit, I am over it.

SPEAKER_00 45:05

But yeah, guys, that was my beautiful coming out story to all my ex-girlfriends, guys. I am so sorry.

SPEAKER_01 45:13

You know, if this ever affected in any way me coming out of the closet, it was never my intentions, I was just confused, guys. Um, to all ex-boyfriends before this one, you know, if I ever hurt you in any way, shape, or form, I am so sorry. I was learning, I was reacting from hurt and pain. You know, I'm sorry, you know, I'm a different person now. Uh, I'm more loving, more caring, more careful about you know, hurting other people's feelings. So here I am. This is a new me. But thank you guys so much again for listening. I appreciate you guys uh coming back to all the listeners that listened to last the new last episode. Thank you guys so much. I'll see you guys in the next episode. I love you guys.