The Power Of Not Giving A F*ck.

Growing up, I struggled with letting everyone’s opinions about me get to me. With that came many insecurities, many doubts and a lot of damaged that I created within myself and those around me. The power of not caring what anyone has to say is amazing. It doesn’t happen over night. But with discipline and dedication, anything is possible. Life seems to get easier and make more sense. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Good morning, guys. Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey. And to all my new free spirits, hi guys, welcome to my channel. Espero que those stand bien. I hope everybody's doing well. July is almost over. It's been an interesting month, but yeah, I feel like it has been a very, very blessed month. Very uh productive. A lot of lessons uh that were learned, but on today's episode guide, I did. I'm sorry, guys, I did want to talk about the power of not giving a fuck. And that means not giving a fuck about anything that anybody has to say. And the only reason why is because I feel like, excuse me, I am going through that now currently with the people around me. Um, growing up, I grew up in a household that was very, very opinionated. Uh they there was and there still is uh no filters, uh no boundaries, so people tend to always cross those lines. All my life, guys, I struggled with my family being my bullies. I've always been bullied by my own family, um, by the way that I look, by the way that I am, uh by my heart, all my life I went in thinking that me being me and feeling my feelings, having a heart uh forgiving. Uh I was always put into a category where I was the I guess the black sheep of the family, that I was the traitor, that I was the most dramatic one, the sensitive one, um whatever it is they wanted to name me. And that comes to also with partners. Partners have also called me that. So for a very long time I struggled with my own identity. I will let others tell me how I should feel or how I should be, or or I would let people dictate my feelings and and and making me feel like I was, you know, less than. You know, nobody's ever wise, you know, we're forever learning and and maturing and healing. But now that I'm older, I have learned how to manage that and avoid it and not let it affect me as much. But you know, there's also people there that are dealing with their own internal demons, and uh obviously will nitpick and pick at everything that's to them is wrong about you to make you feel like you're nothing, and at that point is when you need to learn to not give a fuck. There is nothing anybody in this world can tell you how you are as a person because only you know yourself, you know what you feel, you know what you think, uh you know your actions, uh, you know the meaning behind everything that you do for people. So don't let people to tell you that you're not that, if you know what I mean, and that's something that I've learned over time. It took me a while. It's not something that I learned overnight, it took me a while. Honestly, guys, it took majority of my life that I am in now. It took me, I want to say at least 33, almost 34 years to finally put a stop to it and be like, wait a second. And now that I have gone into this uh healing journey for a while, I've learned that not everything needs to be personal. That at the end of the day, everybody's dealing with something, everybody is fighting their own demons, everybody has gone through their own traumas, everybody has their own scars. So, not only is that person dealing with you know self-doubt, but they're also wanting to break everything and everyone around them because that's what makes them feel better. That's what you know, that's what broken people thrive on, is damaging other people. And I had to quickly learn that it wasn't nothing personal, that I was not a me problem, it was a them problem, and they needed to figure that out on their own. That's why I think now these days I don't give a fuck, and I like to call out people on their fucking bullshit and and just basically tell them how it is, and people see it as like, oh, that you're uh I'm being a bitch or that I'm being insistent, and I'm just like, no, like you're just being weak, you're weak-minded. That's the way that I see it. Because no matter what life has done to me, I don't go around mistreating the world, I don't go around trying to tear people down, I don't go around hating people, and the sad part is, guys, is that now that I've healed a little bit more, I've noticed how internally damaged a lot of the people around me are, how a lot of the people around me have so much hatred amongst each other. Or if there's people you know don't that hate on people that don't even know much of them, you know, because they're carrying their own, you know, internal demons, and and and now that I'm healing, I I I see how much hatred everybody has, and it makes me really, really, really sad because I wish that people can find themselves and understand the power of acceptance, the power of healing, uh, the power of taking accountability for your own actions. Trust me, it's a really hard, really, really hard pill to swallow to accept that you're a fuck up. Because all our lives, you know, we go on being us, you know, hurting people, having an attitude, uh, whatever the case may be, but we don't in our minds we think we're not doing anything wrong. We think we're defending ourselves, we think we're we're we're we're I don't know, educating people, but at the end of the day, we're not. We're like we're we we we we we contribute to that damage, you know what I mean? We contribute to that toxicity that we're used to because it feels like home. Um and especially guys, especially when it comes to like your own family, that is the hardest things anybody can face, anybody can accept. Like it was really hard for me, guys, when I had to accept the fact that fuck right all my brothers and my parents are fucking damaged. Um that I had to quickly learn they that they were not my peace. Ever. They never been my peace. I just felt entitled, or I felt not entitled, I felt obligated because I was born into that family. I was I felt obligated because my mom, I felt obligated because of my brothers, and to one into one day I said, you know what? These are grown-ass people. I am not obligated to do nothing, you know. And once I started saying no to my family, including my partner, when I started saying no and putting boundaries, that's when I started having a hard time with all of them because they have been so used to me staying quiet and and allowing them to disrespect me or talk down to me, and and it's just that I don't know. And to my family, or even to my partner, uh, they feel the need to tell me, like, oh, like you think you're better than everybody. I don't think I'm fucking better than anybody. I just don't need to go around fucking mistreating people and and you know dragging them through the dirt and then what later on feeling bad for it. So I did all this damage for this person for no fucking reason just because I wanted to throw a tantrum. Like, no, like that's not who I am. I've never liked tearing anybody down because I know how that feels, I know that ugly feeling of of of how people view me and see me. So the last thing I want to do is treat people the same way they treat me, and I think that's what that's why a lot of me guys, I I show up for everybody, no matter how they treat me, no matter how they are. Yes, I have boundaries now and I love everybody from afar, but I try to be as present as I can uh when it comes to to family, you know, and even my partner, and I grew to accept that both of my parents are not perfect, they are both equally as damaged, they are both equally as angry, they're both equally as how can I say it without sounding rude? Because then people take things into a different perspective. I don't hate my parents, I love my parents, but they both have a lot of internal issues that they need to discover on their own. I am nobody to tell them anything, I can guide them and point out a little uh a little things here and there about them. And I actually have been really comfortable in the last shh, it's gonna be a year already of telling my mom and my dad exactly how they are sometimes. Not being rude, but it's just more so like letting them like, hey, like like snap out of it. You're a parent, you don't need to get to her level, we don't need to be childish, like you're a parent, like let's let's get it together, you know. But I've learned to forgive both of them because they both have equally made a lot of mistakes in our lives, they have both equally done damage to their own children, whether they accept it or not. And uh um, I just quite frankly don't feel the need to pick or choose sides because they're both my parents, because at the end of the day, I wouldn't be here because of them. And the end of the day, a love story was there, whatever the heck was there in the beginning, but the beautiful thing about it came us, you know, me and my siblings. So for me to be a hypocrite and uh judge my father for things that he has done in the past, which my dad has done some crazy things. I don't know to my siblings, but to my me to me, uh, like I said before, like one day out when I'm ready, I feel like I'm ready, but I just don't feel like people are ready to hear that uh side of the story. And the only reason why I I I hold back is because I am healing that side of me where I'm just like, do I really feel the need to want to bring this up? Or do I really want to like just put it out there and let my brothers know like why I'm moving the way I'm moving? Because they can accept the fact that I'm talking to my father, that I have forgiven him. I've forgiven my mom countless times throughout my whole life, and I feel like my mom has always felt like we owed her our lives because we're her children or because she provided for us, which I am forever, ever thankful for. The hard work that my mom put on us when we were little, you know, to make sure that we had food in our bellies, that we had, you know, clothes in our bags and a roof over our heads. But my also mom, my mom also felt that being a parent. And what I mean by that is there's a difference between being a provider and being a parent. The provider provides the necessities that we need to survive. Which is also, you know, the parent, but the parent side it's someone that we need in our lives to be present, to be emotional, to show unconditional love. And I felt like I don't know if anything had to do with how my mom was raised, how she grew, or just life made her this way, but she felt the need that she had to be tough and not show us any affection, she had to be her friend. Um, and I feel like because of that, it really damaged my siblings a lot. Because I moved I moved out of the house at a really young age, like straight out of high school. Like I left and and you know, went to go be with my ex. Because even though I was young, I knew that I did not want to be there. I knew that I didn't want to be manipulated. Uh I was being manipulated, whether they see it or not. I was being manipulated by all my siblings and and everybody that I lived with. So I was just like, I can't be part of this and get damaged even more. I was already carrying, you know, damage within myself because of all the things that I've gone through as a kid. So I I remember leaving and just sign my mom, like, I gotta go fuck up. I gotta go make my own mistakes, I gotta learn from them. I refuse to learn from mom because mom has a lot of you know and a lot of work to do within herself. So I, you know, I refuse to fall into the same pattern because who knows, you know, how many generations uh this type of like you know actions have been taken. I don't know, just seeing from my grandparents and my my my mom, like I and and then my grandparents or my dad's head and my dad, I like I kind of understand why they are the way they are, and I know that my parents do the best with what they know what they've learned. But we were, you know, I just I just I don't know. I don't I don't judge neither or of them. I love both of them the same. And and I know that my uh a couple of my brothers are upset because I still you know I talk to my father and I have that relationship with him, but it's just like it's like a tell, you know, my friends like if if my brother, if my brothers could understand that if I can forgive my mom for all the hurtful things that she's done to me and has said to me, why can I not forgive my father? In the end of the day, like I've told my siblings, I do this for me, I don't do it for them. I don't do it for my mom, I don't do it for my dad, I don't do it for neither or of my siblings, I do it for me because I want to free myself from the hurt, the damage, the doubt, the broken me inside me. I didn't want to carry that anymore. I I I I wanted to let that person die so I can flourish and become this adult, you know, that that that I should be, you know. So I'm learning to let go of all that. I want to let go of whatever damages any of my mem family members, including my partner, that has done to me. And it's hard, you know, it's hard, it's a hard thing to do, is to to forgive and move on and erase. But I'm at that journey where I want to I want to clean slate. I don't think about anything, and I put this on God, I put this on my family, I put this on my far and my partner, my partner's listening. I don't think of anything, I don't think of none of the things that none of you have done to me. I don't think about it because I refuse to let rage, anger, obsession, or pity to get to me so uh uh so you know I can create all this whatever the fuck, you know, all these relationships do. Like I refuse to fall into that because I'm not that's not who I didn't identify with. I'd rather spread love and positivity and and and not hurt anybody around me because the last thing I want to do is break anybody, anybody's spirit, because I know how that feels, you know, excuse me, but we do have to learn to not give a fuck, guys, and and not not take things too personal when it comes to people personally attacking you, and I know that it's easier said than done because you always want to talk back and defend yourself, but sometimes there's no need to defend yourself, there's no need to stand up to to evil at times, you just let it be, and I think that's why a lot of I can't get my partner to understand now, is that why I walk away from certain conversations and certain scenarios because my partner can be that type of person where he and he's verbally said it like I just do it because I know it hurts you. So the fact that he does that to me, I'm just like, okay, like you are damaged, like you are really damaged, like there's no need for you to break anybody around you, or even intentionally want to break anybody around. Um, and it's sad because he's not, you know, a lot of people do that to me, and and it sucks because it's the most the people that you most trust, the people that you're supposed to I don't know, love you that hurt you the most. But like I said, you have to learn not to give a fuck, not give a fuck about what anybody is going through, not give a fuck about what what things are being said to you, because everybody's fighting their own internal demons. If you even think about it, we lash out sometimes when we're upset or when people say certain things, and that's how people get stuck in that in these toxic cycles, why it happens from generation to generation, because now I see it, I see it happening again with my niece and my nephew. Their parents' relationship is very toxic, kind of similar to how my parents were, and then now I see it trickle down to my niece and nephew, how they're acting, how they are as little humans, and sometimes I'm just like, damn, like they're already, they're already damaged, they're already damaged, and I'm hoping and praying that they go on a healing journey at a very, very young age, because the last thing I would have wanted is for my nieces and nephews is to grow with doubt, grow with anger, grow with no confidence. Because I grew up with that, because of the way my family was with me. I was a very, very believe it or not, guys, because I I know that I'm now that I'm older, I talk a lot and I and and I miss around a lot, but that's just who I am now. But as a child, up to maybe like I want to say freshman or even sophomore year, like I was a very quiet and timid person. I didn't like fucking with people, I didn't like talking to people because the moment I spoke at home, I was always attacked. So I I felt that at school it was the same way, which it was because the moment I spoke, I was always getting picked on being called names, or people were just wanting to fight me for no goddamn reason, for no damn reason, and um like I said, the last thing I would want my niece and my nephews is to grow how I grew up, very inside a shell, and and I feel like if I would have the mentality that I have now when I was younger, I feel like I would actually be out there doing the things that I've been wanting to do with myself, and I'd be afraid by being judged by my own family or being about that but by my own family. I feel like if I had the mentality that I have now, I would be where I wanted to be back then because now the things that I wanted back in the days, guys, I don't want them anymore. And I was like, oh, you know, like I wanna become an entrepreneur and I want to have you know all this money and I want to take care of my mama and take my brothers. Uh, you know, always thinking about some as someone else instead of myself. I always wanted that, which I do. I still want it now, but to a certain extent, and what I mean by that is I wanted I wanna do I want to do things for me. I want to do things for Sergio Jr. Not for anybody else. And then once once I'm established. And I'm good, then I will take care of my mom and my dad. You know? Because in the end of the day, the way that I see it is that I can't go around wanting to live my dreams and my life for others. I have to live live my dreams and my life for me. Because that's something that we felt in life. Is we felt we fail at taking care of ourselves. That you know, we get stuck wanting to pursue dreams for others, for others' needs, and people don't even appreciate it, you know. People don't appreciate it, and I don't know. Now that I'm older, I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm healing, or I just don't, you know, I don't give it nothing more to my family. Like, I'm just viewed as the evil person. I'm I'm I'm I'm just viewed as the bitch of the family, the one that supposedly doesn't care, uh, the one that is always dramatic. Like to them, I'm just evil. And I now back in the days, I used to want to fight with them and you know defend myself and and and always need to prove something, and now it's just I don't I don't feel the need to do that. I really don't because I know who I am as a person, so I don't have the need to explain myself to anybody, especially with damaged people, especially with people that are broken, that have not seeked help, that have not had acceptance to their mistakes. Um they're not doing it that are not doing any better than me. Not that I view them any less, but that's just the way that I see it. I'm just like, well, you're damaged yourself, so how are you gonna tell me how to feel or that my feelings are invalid? Like, fuck you, you know, that's when the power of not giving a fuck comes in. You know what I mean? Like, we have to learn to not give a fuck about nothing. And one thing that has always stuck with me, even though I have let things get to me throughout the years and took it this fucking long to fucking finally realize is that my mom once I remember in middle school when someone tried to fight me, she disciplined me and she told me, Oh, do words physically hurt you? And I'll be like, What? And she'll be like, Did the words physically hurt you? Are you bleeding? Did you get a scar? Like, did it physically hurt you? And I'll just like no. And she goes, And why the fuck are you letting it affect you? And I just remember I stood quiet and I was like, damn, she has a fucking point. She told me, like, if they would have hit you with the rock, then that's when you fight back. But they're just words, and that and I want to say this happened when I was like in fifth or sixth grade. That always stuck with me. That's something that I did learn from my mom. It's just like I can't let words get to me, but it's kind of hard when people that you truly truly trust and love are the ones that actually do that to you. Where they purposely hurt you, they purposely want to, you know, break you, and it and it sucks, and it sucks because sometimes it I feel like it comes across envious, envious, and it's always coming from someone that's damaged. Like, for instance, and I don't mean to call out people like that, it's just who I am. You know, I keep it 1000. Obviously, this is what the broadcast is for. My partner listened to one box, one episode out of the 27, 28 episodes that I have now, supported it, and after that, I've gotten nothing but negativity about how it's fake. You know, obviously, another person that's invalidating my feelings. It's my story, it's what happened to me. In the way that I see it when it comes to my partner, I've only known you for three years, so you don't know nothing that I've been through, nor do I care to explain myself to you because this is my story, just how he has his own story, and and he can explain it however the fuck he wants. But this is what's what has happened to me, and you know, I know some of the episodes I have made about current events, but things from the past is what's happened to me, and what I've noticed because I've noticed it for my family too, is that it's always to damage people that have something to say because they're afraid to speak up, because they're afraid of what people are gonna think or what people are gonna say. I, on the other hand, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck because at the end of the day, I take care of myself, and at the end of the day, my bills are being paid because I paid them, you know, and I'd be damned if I let anybody else's opinion about me get to me when half of these people are not doing any better than me, and this is not a read. This is not a read. I'm just saying, like, half of these people, even friends or whatever the fuck you want to call it, like they're not doing any better than me. So why would why am I gonna let it affect me? You know what I mean? It sucks because it's supposed to be like the people that you love and trust that are supposed to be your biggest cheerleaders, but you know, I don't know why I always get stuck with the biggest haters. I get stuck with the biggest haters. Um, and it's funny because it's always been just within my family and my partners that I have this kind of issues. Because outside of that, I've always been really happy. I can be myself. My friends get to know who the damage me, they don't judge me and they love me to the fullest, they make me feel safe and protected, and that's why I feel like with my little group of friends, why I see them more as my family than my own family. Why I can find in my best friends more than I can find in my partner because everybody around me is very close-minded, everybody's close-minded, everybody's dealing with their own internal issues, everybody's dealing with their own demons in my side, and I'm pretty sure all my friends are dealing with their own demons. The only difference between my friends and I is that we don't tear each other down, we don't judge each other. You know, we give our opinion the most respectful way that we can, and we try to guide each other through it all versus just bringing each other down. That's why I always confide in my friends. And I remember my mom once, like I want to say like a couple years ago, she threw in my face that I always confide in my in my best friend. My best friend is maybe a couple years younger than my mom. Why do I have a best friend at that age? I feel it's because I I I feel like I need that from my own mother, but I can't get it. And I feel like that's why I've always gravitated to like older people to to be like my friends, because a lot of my older I mean, excuse me, a lot of my friends are as old as my mom. Or young, a few years younger than my mom. Definitely in their 40s. Um, but they're all always older than than than than me. And I feel like it's like I it's the mother figure that I try to look into because they have their own children. Well, one of them doesn't, but they're just very supportive, you know, very supportive. Everything I've always wanted up from my mom. And that's another thing about my mother is that she I don't know where she got this idea that I'm a horrible son, or at least she makes it seem. I don't know if she means it or not, but I definitely feel the difference between back then and now with my mom. And what sucks is that I've always put her in a pedestal, regardless of how she how she's been with me, and even my friends now, like when when when I tell them about how sometimes how she be acting with me, like they just like they're surprised because I've never ever guys ever in my life did I go and talk badly about my brothers and my mom. Ever. Because to me, I was ashamed and embarrassed about how they are as humans, so I didn't feel the need to show off my family. And it's not that I was ashamed of them, it's just that okay, I think my my mistake was, guys, is that I always put my brothers and my mom in a pedestal trying to make them look amazing, how they're you know, very supportive, and this and this and this and that, and I know that was just the hopeful kid inside me, and then I would bring friends over or like ex-partners or my partner, and they're not that, they're like the complete opposite of that. They're you know, they sh they just like to pick nitpick on everybody's flaws, but the moment that people do it to them, like they they get upset and they stop liking people for that, and I think it's very, very wrong for them. Like, you can't just you know, you can't be a bit, you can be a little bitch and pick on pip people, and then when people pick on you, like all of a sudden you're this pobrecito um pocita, like like no, like aguanta la vara, like like let's let's let's get that's why like with my family now when they start talking about me, because I've noticed that my my family sticks on and they leech on to people's insecurities, and obviously back in the days I always be very, very insecure. Now I'm very secure at myself. I love who I am as a person. Gordito or not, I think I'm hot, I think I'm cute, um I'm handsome, I think I'm a wonderful person, I think I have such a great heart. So for people to come in and tell me otherwise, I don't give a fuck. I know who I am as a person because at the end of the day, no matter how fucking shady my family is, I still show up and show out for them. I show up for their birthdays. Uh, whenever they need me, I'm there, you know, and despite how my mom can be, because my mom can be a little jerk, I still come and see her, you know, twice a week. And for me that's enough. Sometimes before I've been I've been wanting to see I wanted to see her more, you know, because time isn't the answer. Like I don't know, I don't know like when you know it's gonna be her time, but I also don't want to put myself in that position where I'm gonna lose myself again or my family because there hasn't been no change in my family, they're still the same people from 20, 15 years ago, they're still the same people. So I'm just like I refuse to get lost by it, but I'm still gonna be present because another day, this is still my mom, whether she's perfect or not. I respect her, I have love for her. I would do anything for her, even if she was way, way, way older. I would take care of her, I would not put her in a home, I would make sure she she was fed and taken care of and she was clothed correctly because she did that for me. But she has this idea that when she gets older that I'm gonna mistreat her. I don't know where she got this from when I've never been ever, ever been half of what my brothers have been with her. I've never been rude to my mom, I've never talked down to her, I've never in her life or in my life have thrown in my mom's face that I raised myself because I didn't. I didn't. She provided with a lot of things, you know. I was forced into uh growing up fast and working, and I don't hold it against her head because it it's helped me grow up, it's helped me, you know, understand that nothing is handed to you, you need to work for it. You know what I mean? So I thank my mom for that. Would I have wished that she was more present in life? Absolutely. I needed my mom when I was younger. I think we all needed her parents, you know, in games, um, when I was doing choir concerts, uh whatever is the case, the case was, I needed my mom just as much as my brothers needed her. But you know, life handled her a whole different card, and obviously, you know, she couldn't be present, and you know, I don't hold that against her. I just hate how we are with each other, like we're all older now. Like, I would love to enjoy adulthood with my siblings and my mom and just laugh about everything, but no, like everybody's intense too, like just get their panties all up in a bunch, like they're a part of that new generation where they get sent to they get very sensitive about everything, and it's just that's why I just stay quiet, that's why I don't come around. Cause I'm just like, if you guys are gonna be picking at people, like be ready to be picked on too. Like, I just rather not, you know. Um, and even when I'm around them, like I'm I'm quiet most of the times, or I just brush off whatever is that's going on because I refuse to just give it to that energy, to be honest, guys. It's that's the power of not giving a fuck. You have to not give a fuck about anything and know that nothing is personal, nothing is ever personal, it's an internal thing within themselves. And like I said, I know it's it it's it's easier said than done, and it takes time, it takes time, guys. I'm not gonna tell you a pasar dequia mañana or pasado mañana, like it doesn't happen that fast. It takes time, it takes discipline within yourself to want to make that change and having to accept that what you thought was your purpose and motive to live is not that anymore. You have to find your own purpose, you have to find your own meaning of why you're here, and that's the journey that I'm in right now. It's just I'm trying to figure out who is Sergio outside of not working, outside of the family, outside of the relationship, like who is Sergio? Because all my life I've I I lived behind people's shadows and wanting to help people and save people, and now it's time to save me, and that's why I started the healing journey. I started to accept that fuck like my family's damaged, I'm damaged, like I need change, I need change, I need positive change, and I know that it's hard because life can be really fucking hard. Trust me. I I still deal with the fact that I have you know those inner voices that try to break you down, but you have to fight it, you have to remind yourself every day that that you're not that, and you know what's happened has helped me, guys, is telling myself every single morning when I wake up and open my eyes, instead of grabbing my phone or anything, like I just stare straight at the window, and I'm talking to God and being thankful, you know, that I'm alive, that's gonna be a great day. You know, I I I tell myself aloud like five things I'm grateful for for for that moment, and I feel like it's it's been helping me stay afloat in a positive area, and and I would want you guys to practice that too. Obviously, we all can practice you know positivity in our own way, but that's what has helped me, guys. And then instead of you know being on our phones, I try to take some moments into be outside, just take in a day, live in the moment, live in the moment. Life is so beautiful, guys, so beautiful, and you don't have to take a picture, guys, of everything. You really don't. You don't have to take a picture of every single thing that you're doing, you don't have to let people know every single thing that you're doing because that's how we did it back in the days, guys. We didn't have social media, we weren't telling people, oh yeah, I'm here or on vacation now, or look at who I'm in love with. And I feel like back in the days was the ideal life that I wanted. But I mean, now we live in this generation where you know we have all this technology and bullshit and apps, and you know, it's easier for people to do things behind your back now, and it's just it's a scary world to live in. But just remember that if bad things happen to you, it just means it wasn't for you. There's no need for you to be depressed. Yeah, it sucks and it hurts, but there's no need for you to be depressed, you can move from it, you can grow from it. Take it as a lesson. I feel like we are provided with a version of us that we need to face so we can grow and change over time. I keep asking why am I in this relationship that I am now? And I finally came to realize a few weeks ago that my partner is everything I was in my last relationship, and I'm just like, fuck, this is what my ex was dealing with. Now I feel bad, you know? I understand, but I see a lot of him, like I'm sorry, I see a lot of me in him from the past, so now I'm just like, okay, god, how am I supposed to handle this? Guide me, because sometimes I just want to strangle him, and I know that he doesn't mean any harm. I know that he's dealing with a lot of stuff, and it's just sometimes, you know, he's se pasa de verga, you know, se pasa de verga, and sometimes I just this is why I walk away sometimes because I know as a person, as a cancer baby, I can see some really evil shit, some below the belt shit. And I don't like that about me when I'm angry, so that's why I stay quiet. This is why I walk away from certain arguments, even with people, like I just like ignore it because I'm just like, fuck no. If I speak up, bitch, you're gonna wish that you weren't born, and I don't like that about me. And I'm like that with my family too, because my mom has my mom has said it too. When Sergio's angry, oh my god, he says the most evil things, yes, because you guys get me to that level, and I don't like that. I don't like that I've given people that power over me, and this is why I walk away. I'm just like, eh, whatever. Go ruin the room, or sometimes sometimes when my art partner just wants to sit there and argue, like I'll walk away. He's right behind me, and I'll grab my headphones and I'll put him on, and I'll just put some Zen music and I'm just like just let him be cold down and but you're not gonna listen to me, like no, like talk to me normal, and then we can talk. Like, whatever it is in your that you're dealing with, deal with it on your own. It's not my problem. And I know that it sounds really fucked up. Everything he's going through, it's not my problem. That's his journey, not mine. I'll be there to make things a little easier, like cooking, or cleaning, or or you know, washing. But when it comes to his grief, he needs to figure that out on his own. Because that's his journey, that's what was given to him, not to me. And the reason why I say that is because I try being that partner that oh my god, let me be so loving, let me be supportive, let me be this and this and that, like everything you can think of that's positive, and my partner has turned it into something very bad and negative, to the point that I'm just like, okay, well, this is your journey to figure out not mine anymore. Like, I wanted to be like your partner and hold your hand throughout the whole thing. But if this is what you feel, go deal with it on your own. I'm not losing myself over this. Life is beautiful, life is still moving, the world is still spinning with or without people, they are here or not, sadly. And no one has time to feel bad for you. That's the way that I see it. And I'm not saying that I don't feel bad for him because I do, I do, I want the best for my partner because he's an amazing person, you know, he has great qualities. It's just I don't think he sees it himself. You know, it's just that he we all need to figure out our own journey, and no one has helped me, you know, no one has helped me through anything, and no one in this life feels bad for you. That's one thing that I've learned in life. No one fucking feels bad for you. And I'm not talking about my partner, I'm just saying like in general, like anybody, like no one gives a fuck. So why not just be positive and keep pushing? Like, that's just the only option that we have, guys. And I really pray and hope that my partner gets to that point, and and I know it's hard, yeah. No, I may not understand losing uh a parent, but I definitely do understand losing someone as a parent. So, like I think it's just for me. I just I was also broken for like a whole year when my Nino passed. Because I've mentioned this before, he was my father, my father figure. So I guess we all handled it differently differently, you know. For him, you know, he'd rather just be sleeping and saying in and uh Feeling his feelings. I did that when I would be going to bed, uh, when my Nino first passed away, but I kept myself busy because I refused to let life just pass by me. I wanted to enjoy life to the fullest, even if I was in pain. I remember when I was bartending and working three jobs, like I always wanted to cry, but I just kept myself busy, even when I was working, like I was talking to people about about you know what I was dealing with, and sometimes I would get emotional, but I just knew that I would keep pushing and I needed to push. But you know, we're all different, we're all different, guys. But you have to learn not to give a fuck. Trust me, guys. Trust me when I say when you're learning your master not to give a fuck, everything would just slide off of you. You'll be like, eh, whatever, not my problem, you know. So learn the power of not giving a fuck, guys. You would get far in life, you would please yourself and your purpose and your soul purpose instead of getting consumed into this world and and the damage that is around us because it's not always just your family, guys, it's everybody around you, everybody's dealing with their own demons. So be a little bit more patient with yourself, be a little bit more patient with your family, be a little more understanding and patient with the world out there, and don't judge anybody. Love everybody regardless. So, with that being said, guys, remember don't give a fuck, don't fall for it. Be you, be happy, be positive, and continue to nourish your soul. Alright, guys, I just want to say thank you so much for all the new cities and new countries that keep popping out in our maps. We're officially in 35 different countries and territories, and about 116 cities all spread out throughout those countries. And oh my god, a lot of them I'm just like places that I didn't even know they existed. But thank you guys so much. Honestly, I do this for myself, I don't do this to hurt anybody. Um, it's just my story, this is just my way of healing instead of having therapy. This is what I chose to, and it has been helping me for the last few months. So that's the reason why I do this, you know, and I hope that people can do this too, you know. I just want to share, I just want to share release so people can learn to let go and hear my story so people can grow. The whole purpose of this, guys, is just to mature and to heal and to grow. Like it sucks that people, the moment that you chose to be positive and heal, like it's always pointed out to be something evil or something of uh witchcraft, which is not, guys. Um, it's just all you know, it's all God, it's all consciousness, it's all positivity, it's it's all love. That's what we all ultimately all came here on earth is to learn love, or who knows? Maybe this is how only one knows, you know. But thank you guys so much for listening, and I'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye, free spirits.