Toxic Environment’s

Toxic environments can really affect someone’s mental health. Whether if it’s your own family. Your friends, or even your work environment.  Be are trained to think that we have to deal with it. That it’s ok to allow family to be ugly towards you because that’s how they show love. It’s ok to acknowledge. That every single one of those are not good. It’s ok to put a stop to it and make different decisions than what you are used to. I struggle with the same with my family. We are not what I thought we were. And it’s a hard pill to swallow. 

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Good morning, free spirits. How's everyone doing? And to all my new free spirits, hi guys, welcome to Life Walking Journey. I am Sergio, your host. I hope everybody's uh beginning of August is going well. Mine is doing amazing. It's like a new fresh breath air, new month, new goals, new blessings, and new opportunities to try again in life. Now let's get started. Welcome back. On today's episode, I do want to talk about toxic environments. And what that means is toxic environments, whether if it's at home, in a relationship, with your family, or work. But toxic environments can actually affect people's energies. It can actually affect people in general. What that looks like, like for me, for instance, looking back to how we grew up as you know, as a family, looking back to, you know, if I stop and think about how my family is today, it's just a repeated cycle. A repeated cycle from how my family was or still is. You know, my family has always been this way. Since I can remember, you know, I've seen it happen between my aunts and uncles. I've seen it happen between my grandparents. Um it just seems to come up that you know, families don't really know boundaries at times, you know. And it's crazy because it it will be it's your own family sometimes that brings you down and actually become your worst enemy. And in that in some cases, it's not always like that. Uh, I know there's families out there that are so wonderful and they're so supportive with each other. Unfortunately, you know, there is some families like mine that are not that. And um, I'll get a little into a little bit of detail about that. But that also goes to, you know, even in school, you know, in school, there could be toxic environments. Um, like for instance, for myself, I've told this story many times. Uh, I was bullied majority of my school life. That's a toxic environment. Aside from, you know, growing up at home also with toxic people. I keep to understand now that both my parents are as equally as toxic, uh, not with each other, but just in general, they're just toxic people. Uh, they seem to think that they're always right. Um doesn't mean that I'm gonna disrespect who they are. It just means that I have to keep my distance actually from both parents. Because both of my parents are constantly always down each other's throat, even though they don't talk, even though they don't they haven't even acknowledged each other in like almost 20 plus years, they're always constantly trying to make each other look bad when it comes to parenting. And I feel like now that I'm older, a little wiser, you know, respectfully I tell my both of my parents like you guys are both equally as toxic. Like, you guys are both not good parents, you guys both you know, we're missing out on a lot when it came to us. So I don't know who why you guys keep pointing fingers when you guys were both as equally as bad. You know, the only thing is that what obviously I deal with one more than I do with the other, which is my mother, and I'll get to that too. And also work, you know, your work environment can also be toxic. I've dealt with a lot of jobs where there's been tons and tons and tons and tons and tons, guys, of drama, like high school drama, and then it's like pity stuff. Like people are just so pity, and I'll I'm guilty of walking away of jobs like that. I don't give a fuck how many jobs I've had in my life. I am the type of person that if that energy in that room or in that building, it's not fitting to what I need for my soul. I don't belong there. I really don't. I'm not like people in society where they feel that they have to stick to one job for 20 plus years and this and this and that. Like, I'm I I refuse to be a lab rat to when it comes to all these corporations. You have to give respect to earn respect. And people just feel too entitled now these days to think that just because they're in a certain position that you have to give them put their respect or give them their flowers. Like, fuck no. I'm the type of person that I like to point out on people's flaws, even when it comes to my family, and I'm starting to understand now why my family don't like me, and it's because I'm always putting pointing out their bullshit, meaning how horrible of people they could be. And their only thing they can attack me about is anything that can has to do with my physical appearances, honestly, because I haven't really done anything to them in any way, shape, or form. Like I don't even act half as bad as how my family is with me. Because I refuse to not be sucked in into that type of environment or that type of energy, or even give out that type of energy, even when it comes to my family. I forgive my family because they don't understand, they don't know better. Obviously, they were raised, you know, by individuals that are just like them now, so I I don't blame them. And you know, I'm I'm guilty of that. I've I've been there and done that, I've been that type of person back in the days, but I just don't I don't identify with that anymore. I haven't identified with that in years. I wouldn't say that I I started I stopped identifying with that type of toxic person or toxic environment or that toxic ways almost seven years ago, guys. I still I started working on myself the year before I left my last relationship. Started doing it even so when I left that relationship, and then in between, like I just been trying to always be the better person, and I'm I I I'm I'm starting to understand that excuse me, guys, even though they're family, it doesn't mean that I have to be around them. I think for a very long time I felt really guilty that I felt the need that I had to be there for my mom, but she doesn't even look for me, she doesn't reach out to me, she doesn't visit me, and I don't even live 20 minutes away. Um it's just it's not there anymore. I feel like all my life I was stuck with the illusion of oh my god, my mom is amazing, my brothers are amazing, and it was just more like because I was so blinded by love, so blinded by the fact that we were blood and we were, you know, family that to me they were like, Oh, it's just them, it's just them. I never knew that starting this healing energy, you were not going to fit in at all with your own family. It was the toughest pill to swallow and accept that my family is really shitty. They really, really are. And I'm not afraid anymore to let them know that they're fucking toxic because they really really are. And it's sad to say that I came to accept that my family are my biggest enemies, that unfortunately they're not that sweet and kind and supporting family that I was so delusionalized by. Or I guess I was holding on to a hope that they would one day change or mature and grow up and actually be family, family that supports family that you know, with any dream, any goal, you we're there for each other. Like, we don't show up for each other. Point blank period. We don't show up for each other. We don't, we, we and I say we because at one point I was like that. You know, I I was always engaging with their stupidity, like if for instance, if they were going out to do something uh like on a sport when they were in high school, like I, you know, be supportive. Instead of be supportive, we will always be talking shit about it how horrible they were going to be. And that's just the dynamic, the dynamic that my family has up to today. Up to today, and I stopped being that way years ago because I always knew it was wrong, but I also felt like I couldn't be that way with anybody, not even my friends, because I understand that feeling of being dragged, of being pulled down by people that you're supposed to, you know, trust. And I feel like now you understand why I've always gone that route of always getting closer and making my group of friends my priority. And to me, and I I know this is sad to say, but unfortunately, it is it is what it is, it's reality. My friends are more family to me than my own family, and this is exactly why I show up for them when they need me for a really long time. I showed up for my family because I was like, oh, it's my family, I have to, I have to, I have to. And I I'm coming to understand that I don't have to show up for my family at all. Period. Because there's nothing in the world that I can do, whether I'm doing great, whether I'm doing bad, my family would always find something to nag about, something to always try to bring me down, something to always try to hold me back from being different, and I'm starting to realize that the reason why I stopped making friends or you know, interact with people is because there is certain individuals that bring out the ugly out of you. My partner used to bring that out of me until finally one day I put my foot down and I told them, Hey, I cannot be this way. You're being just like my family. Either you change, either we change or I walk out. Because I cannot. There's a reason why I left home when I was 18, because I didn't want to be part of that environment, you know? And now I understand why I stay away from my family. As much as I try to feel bad, I feel guilty, whatever the case may be, I need to accept who we are as a family. I need to accept that I've outgrown my family. Unfortunately, I have grown them in many ways possible. I may not be doing great financially how they say that I am not doing, but I'm doing better than them. Emotionally, mentally. Like, yes, I have problems, like every single person does. Every person has problems, but not to the extreme of what they're going through or what they think I'm going through. You know, I've never trusted my family to come to them about nothing. I don't trust my family at all. I wouldn't trust my family even in my in my last breath. It's sad to say, but I don't. And that's the scary part about dying, is that I think about that a lot. I think about shit. If I die, who's gonna be there for me? Who's gonna make those decisions for me? Because I don't think my family has ever had the best interest of mine. Like they really haven't. Never have. Because if they did they wouldn't be who they are today. And they see it as oh, we're just messing around, we're just messing around. No, there's a certain boundary when it comes to messing around. I get it. We can mess around, we can have fun, I can have a blast when we're not being rude to each other. But the thing is with my families, is they have to get so low, so nasty, just to make themselves feel better. And they they're okay with that, and that's fine. Whatever floats your boat, if you feel the need that you have to bring people down to make yourself feel better, so be it. But I don't have to be around that because that's not who I am, I don't have to go over there and body shame none of them, and let me tell you, none of them are physically in shape, but yeah, they're always judging my body. For some reason, they're always attacking my physical appearances, including you know, my face. I do anything different with myself, they're already there, or they're already talking shit. Like, for instance, I'm pretty sure a lot of you have noticed, I shave my head. I'm at that age already where unfortunately, you know, it this happens in America a lot, or just around the world, where at 35, I'm 35 now, guys. People start to lose hair. Unfortunately, I come from uh both sides of the family. There are balding. My mom is balding, she has thin hair, so does my grandma, which is her mom, and my dad's side, my dad is bald. He started uh having a receding hairline, you know, around the same time that I, you know, that at the age that I am now. Unfortunately, that started happening to me the moment that I turned 30. My hairline started receding little by little. It's not as bad, you know. I was able to manage it and still grow hair, you know, and still style it. But you know, this healing process that I've been doing for the last year or so has shown me a lot about myself. I love myself so fucking much, guys. You guys don't even know. I love myself so much that I don't want to be dealing with no one's bullshit or be like anybody. I love myself so much that I came to admire my body. Maybe I'm not the fittest fucking person, guys, but I'm also not the fucking fattest. I feel like I even tell my partner, I feel like I have an uncle daddy body. And something about it, I feel like it's sexy and I like it, so I you know I'm happy with myself. Now that I'm bald, I don't know if it's because it was a different change. See, with me, I have never been afraid of change. I can make all kinds of changes in my life and I'm okay with it. Change is always good. Change can be bad, but it's always 95% of the time, it's always good. So I've always been the type of person that I'm always constantly changing something about myself or like my clothes, it's whatever makes you feel happy. So the moment that I shaved my hair, something changed in me. That's when I started loving myself way more than I did before. I feel more confident for some reason. I don't know if it was the hair that made me so self-conscious that I was always constantly looking at the fucking hairline, or because my family was always constantly talking shit about my hair being thin and me having receding hairline, la la la. Because that's that's all that's all really they can really point at of me because they don't really have nothing on me. Because I don't share my life with them. I never have. I've always kept my relationship uh private, I've always kept my own life private for that reason, because I don't feel like my family deserves to know what's going on in my life, they don't deserve it, they really don't. Because the moment that I do come up to them and I open up about certain things, my my family turns really nasty and then you stand against you. The moment, say for instance, if I do come and talk to them about certain things in my relationship, because that's what you're supposed to do, you know, come to your family and you know, and you know, release stuff because that's what your family is supposed to be. It's just the you're the people to talk to, and it's supposed to be amongst your family. Well, when it comes to my family, that's not the case, they will uh bring the conversation that you have with them in front of your partner when they don't even know what the fuck is going on, and they put you in the most uncomfortable positions ever. And what's funny is that the moment you do that to them, they get upset. Oh, but they're really really private with themselves, though. They're really really private because they don't want people knowing their business, but they like to air up people's business. Like, for instance, they had had always had a problem with my podcast because I'm out here talking about my toxic life that I grew up with. Unfortunately, it is part of my story. They're happen to be part of my story, and I'm so sorry. They like to fucking air out our business for free. They like to, you know, air our business to people they shouldn't, to be honest with you. So why not, you know, do it with myself, do it in my podcast. I'm not getting paid for it, but it's helping me grow, it's helping me mature, it's helping me change, it's helping me uh unplug myself for my own family. And honestly, since I started the podcast, I am almost 30. I think this is episode 30. I am uh 30 episodes in since September, and this has helped me change for myself, for my relationship, it has helped me mature to a different type of person that I don't even recognize. I mean, I'm proud of it, and I think a lot of the things that I'm going through right now isn't that really a big deal. Like it really isn't. In my relationship, I don't really have problems. We nitpick at little things here and there. I more so is my partner because he's grieving, so you know, people that are grieving should understand that you know anything can tick you off. So with him, it's just little things like he that he nags about, but it's never it's never a big deal. We let it go and we move on, and you know, we try not to we try not to be like our families because we both realize how fucking toxic our family is. Like our families, both both of our families are really toxic, and this is why we both I think we both stay away from everybody and we don't like to really interact with everybody or even show up for certain things. It's just I think we both accepted that if we want to mature and we want to change and be different, it has to be away from our families because it is not pretty, guys. It really is not pretty, and it's sad, you know. I came to understand this back in 2020 during COVID that my family was just very nasty and very toxic. And I I I grieved them a lot. I I mean they're alive, but I did grieve them a lot. I cried because I wanted them, I wanted them in my life, I wanted them in everything, and and I had to force it within myself that I need to move on with life without them because they want to stay where they're at, they want to continue being the same people. I just need to grow, you know, and I hate this that I had to go through all this, but you know, it made me who I am today, you know? And it's it's sad to say, but my family is the reason why I feel like my last relationship failed, to be honest with you. They inserted so much insecurity in me that I carried that insecurity into that relationship, and that person didn't deserve it. Because that person, despite of everything, that person was a great person, you know. Um, and I came and I dumped my family fucking traumas into this person. You know, but it is what it is, it's life. You know, we live and we learn, you know. I don't regret it. Uh, that was, you know, a chapter of my life in all my 20s that uh helped me mature and become a better individual today, you know. I wish I had that mentality that I have now, that I had it back then. I I I I feel like maybe I would be in a whole different place in life. And I'm not saying in that relationship, obviously. I'm saying like in just in general, I feel like I would be more successful. In life, in my family, in my stepdad, actually, let me let me say that because I always tell my stepdad, like I don't just I feel like if my family was more supportive back in the days, I think I would be different now in life. I think we will all be different in life. But people don't like to accept the fact that it could be it could be them that the reason why we don't grow. Why we don't pursue certain dreams, you know, and it I mean it's okay, it's okay if they don't accept it, you know, because a lot of people don't understand that, but it is, you know, the reason why I feel like I held back a lot from a lot of things. I've always loved singing. It's singing is what made me singing is what saved my life. From what I talked to you guys about, you know, episodes and episodes ago is that when I was little, when I was going through this abuse that I was going through with my family, including the bullying at school and being molested, I wanted it to end my life. I had no one to talk to. I really had no one to talk to, so I wanted to end my life when I was in fifth grade and sixth grade. Tell me what fifth and sixth grader should be thinking about that. I always wanted to end my life because I just didn't fit in, because I never felt safe anywhere I went, and I still don't feel safe to this day. But singing really saved my life. I felt like when I was a kid, when I was going through that, I turned to listening to Selena's uh music and singing, and that's what kept me sane. That kept me from not going into that dark place in my head because let me tell you, I was home a lot by myself a lot of times. Half of the time I was getting molested, half of the time I was over here thinking how the fuck I was gonna end my life. You know, but I am just thankful that I was able to survive that. But you know, I've always loved singing, and I've been begging God to help me throughout the years. You know, throughout the years, I was always singing, recording myself singing. I was always, you know, doing singing classes with private, uh, with private instructors for years and years and years, and even the struggles would tell me like you don't have that bad of a voice, like, why don't you just you know do it as a hobby on the side? And of course, you know, in the back of my head, I'm just like, no, you know, my family's gonna talk shit. Whether they like it or not, they are the reason why I didn't just go for it. And I hate that I let that happen for so long. I I I hate that uh why did I not come to these terms, you know, when I was younger? Now that I'm older, I'm just like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I don't care anymore. Now I just don't care. I'm just like, I'm gonna do it. I love singing, I love posting myself singing, I don't care what my family thinks anymore. They're not doing any better than me, so I'm just like, I I don't care a fuck anymore. But I have been begging to God that I want to sing, it doesn't matter if it's to him, if it's you know, banda. You know, I've always loved singing banda. That's one that's one dream of mine. Like, I want to sing banda music. Um I don't know, it's just the emotion behind it that I just love, you know. Maybe one day I can record one song and see where it goes. But um, lately I have been asking God to please just help me sing, even if it's to to worship him. And and it was crazy, guys, is yet yesterday I was worshiping, and in the end of the services, they actually posted and said, Hey, if you would like to be part of the worship uh singing group, come in audition. And I was like, Oh my god, like God answered my prayers. Like, I'm always singing worship music, and I I love you know the the emotion behind it, how I sing it, and I would love the opportunity to try it, so I think I'm gonna go for it. I think I'm gonna go try out. You know, I've always been the type of person to always go out and try things, even when I'm fucking scared as fuck, guys. Even when I'm scared as fuck, but that's the only way you learn, guys. That's the only way you grow. Like, for instance, I tried out for X Factor, guys. Oh my god, that was the worst experience of my life, guys. The worst experience. We'll talk about that in a different episode. But back to toxic environments that could also, besides it being your own family, it could also be where you work. I've had tons of jobs where people just hate each other. There's so much egoistic people in the building, and I just cannot, I cannot, I cannot, I cannot. I refuse to be part of all this environment. Like it's really ugly and it's really nasty to be part of that. Like, who wakes up and wants to, you know, just make people's life a living hell? Like, who does that? You know, I I don't do that, like I just don't. I wake up every morning feeling blessed, feeling like like Superman, you know, like I just feel amazing every every freaking morning, doesn't matter what happened yesterday, what I'm going through, my life can be falling apart. Every single morning I wake up very thankful and very blessed and happy to be alive and see the sun again. That's what I'm more grateful for. That's what I'm more appreciative now. Everything else, it's life, guys. Bills are always gonna be there. Problems, they don't always have to be there, it's just about how you handle them. But problems would always be there, just learn how to handle them, you know. Anything that has to do with life would always continue being there, guys. But it's just about how you guys handle life, and I cannot stress this enough. It's about how you handle it. Stop being reactive to everything, not everything deserves a reaction, not even your fucking family. Like, trust me, and I know it's really, really, really hard. Like, with for instance, with my family, I cannot. If I'm quiet, they think I'm hurt. If I respond, they think I'm being dramatic, or oh, he hasn't changed. But I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck in capitals, I don't give a fuck what they feel and think about me because I know me better than they know me. My family has never taken the opportunity to get to know me. Ever. And I'm accepting that, and I don't really care for it anymore. I just want to be happy. Yes, I was born into my family my family. Yes, I was born to my mom, but I also was born to have my own lonely journey. We were all born to figure out what our soul was here to do, and I feel like my soul was not here to fix my family. I'm here to fix myself. I'm here to put myself as a priority. I was born to to just spread love, and it doesn't have to be within my own circle with my family, it could be outside of that, and now dealing with my family. I'm starting to realize that my friends, even the acquaintances, guys, have always seen the real me, the really happy and outgoing me, the person that's just always just going out of the way just to make people laugh, and people love me for that. I have not had one person that hates me to that extreme, and if they do, it's a hater. And I've trust me, I've had a lot of those, a lot of those growing up, even doing work, and so and a hundred percent of the time, guys, I don't even have to do anything, I just have to walk in the room, and bitches don't even like me for some reason. I don't know. I'm very bubbly, I'm really outgoing. Even when when I first meet you, like I'm I'm the type of person, like, hey, how are you? You know, trying to make you feel welcome, like I've known you for a really long time. But people are not like that, especially now these days, guys. Everybody's so fucking sensitive over everything, everything offends everyone now these days. Like, you have to be real fucking careful with everything now, and it sucks. It's just the times that we live now, it's just the stupid laws that we have now, the government that just allows people to even have an opinion about anybody, and it's social media too. Like, people are so obsessed with social media, it's so scary, it's it's scary, you know. I try not to pose anymore because I have nothing to prove to anybody. Social media is fucking fake. Social media is just a way of it's a money, it's a money hold. It's it's it's it would drags people in to spend money. Like, for instance, we have your MySpace coming back. Why the fuck is that coming back? Why it's gone. It's another tactic of the government to bring out to keep you distracted again, so people don't go out and heal and enjoy nature and and and and you know be better individuals. No, it's another another tactic to pull you guys in to stay home so you guys can scroll, and then if you want to feel like you want to be famous, get very verified and pay this and that a month so you can get a blue little check mark. Like it's all about just money. The world became about just money. The world has allowed people to become too egoistic, and it has allowed too much freedom to even have an opinion on others' life. People should be focused on their own life, on themselves, not on others, or what Fulano is doing or what Fulana is doing. Like, it's scary. We live in scary times, guys. Sometimes I'm just like, I keep I always ask God, like, can you take me? Take me now. Like, I this is not this is not pretty. I don't like it at all. I I even say it in front of my family sometimes. I'm just like, I'm ready. And they're like, for what? I'm just like to leave like this world. Like, I don't care anymore. Like, I don't care to be around my family. Like, I just I don't. There's nothing fun and interesting about life anymore. To me, at least right now, you know. But I I'm trying to discover that about myself. I'm trying to get out of the habit of thinking that way and feeling like I, you know, like I just can't be nothing. I think I just need to disconnect my felt myself from for my blood. As sad as it sounds, I need to disconnect from them and be away from them. And I feel like the only way I can actually be around my family now is for them to be different and change. I can't be around them anymore. It doesn't work for me, it's not gonna work for me anymore. And I know it sounds like a fucking dick move, but it's just I need this from both of my parents too. Like, I can't I feel like I can't, like, I think I'm accepting now that I will be okay if my parents don't talk to me. Because they don't do it, they don't do it now, you know. I don't know. I just don't care anymore to feed in into no one's bullshit. And it's it's scary because my mom made my brothers just like her. In particular, one. This one in particular acts just like her, and and they literally feel that they're both better than everybody. And what's funny is that both of them, that sibling and my mom, have been the people for the last few years that always throw it in my face and tell me, like, you think you're better than everybody, and now that I'm healing and now I'm understanding how they are and the way they've moved, I'm just like, damn, that was a self-reflection. Because that's literally how they act, like they're better than everybody. They talk shit about everybody, um, including people within that always visits them, mind you, and it's family. Talk all this shit about them, but yet when they come around, they're like, Oh my god, how are you? Let's take a shot, let's take a shot, you know, and I don't fuck with people like that. I don't fuck with fake people, and it and my family can be fake. I don't like that. And I feel like now that I'm very vocal about pointing out how they are, that's when they're not they started having a problem with me even more. And I don't like being that way for a very long time. I was quiet, I was not responsive to them. Lately, I have been catching myself snapping at them and telling them, like, okay, you act like you don't have any fucking skeleton in in your closet, you know? And I keep praying to God every day. I'm just like, no, God, like, I don't want to be like them. I refuse to be like them, change me. What can I do? And the only thing I can think of is lose all contact with them. Period. They don't reach out to me, anyways. It's always me always reaching out to them, it's always me saying, hey, or trying to be funny with them, and for some reason they just they they all they don't want it, and the only thing you can think of is maybe it's my sexuality. I don't know. Because my mom has always been vocal about how she accepts me because I'm her son, but she doesn't accept my lifestyle. So if you don't accept my lifestyle, you're not accepting me. You feel obligated to because I'm your son. I used to think that my mom and I used to have a wonderful relationship back in the day, and now thinking back, I'm just like, we never had a relationship, it was just a toxic environment that I was just used to, and I confused it for love. Because now I don't know. My mom acts like she can't stand me sometimes, and it sucks because I feel like I have been the only child of hers that never disrespected her in any way, shape, or form. Did I have an attitude with her when I was younger? Absolutely, like every fucking teenager, every teenager had goes through that phase of giving the parents attitude. I had an attitude, but that's because I was dealing with other things, which you guys know about, you know. But I have never disrespected my mom. Ever in her life. I've never called her out of her name when I was upset. All three of my siblings have. That actually that child that she so praises has left her stranded before. Kicked her out of her car, out of his car, and left her there. And my mom took an Uber home. But I'm a shitty son. These kids, or these men have told her how she's was never there for that she was never there for them, that she's never done anything for them. I've never felt that way. I've never really said that to my mom. Not even in my darkest days, not even in my most upset days that I ever tell it to my mom. I've always put my mom in a pedestal. Even though she was a shitty ass person with me, even though she continues to be a shitty ass person with me, I've always put my mom in a pedestal. And a lot of my friends then really know me and my family's dynamic. They always tell me it sucks because you know you've always made it seem like you and your mom were close, and you've always had your mom in a pedestal, which I always did, out of respect, because yes, I respect everything my mom did for me and my siblings. I respect her for working hard and putting a roof over our heads and getting food, you know, on the table, making sure that we have clothes in our backs, even to the point that I had to let go of my childhood to help her take care of her fucking children. I give up a lot of my prime times to making sure that these fucking kids didn't go the wrong route in life, but they still did. I lost a lot of my teen years of making friends and actually having a normal life to work because my mom at that point was already treating me like I was in the way, whether she accepts it or not, but that's what I was going through. I was 16 working, guys, 16 and working, and I never had insurance. Obviously, I was working, but I couldn't afford insurance. I was a kid, I hadn't I I knew nothing about insurance, guys. I knew nothing about nothing. I had to figure out everything out on my own. When I asked my mom when I was 16 if she could put me in her insurance for work, she told her response was you're working, you can take care of yourself. Ever since that's when I started seeing my mom different. Because I was just like, Okay. I was 16, 17. The moment my brothers turned 16, 17, my brothers were in my mom's insurance until they were 21. What was their excuse? They were working when they turned 16, they all started working, but they still continue to be part of my mom's insurance. Why I couldn't get the same treatment, I don't know. The only thing I can think of is that my mom really never really accepted me, and I feel like my mom has some type of resentment towards me because I'm named after my own father. And I hate that. And I feel like that's why for a really long time, I don't know if you guys can remember, I called myself Gianni through high school. Even when I introduced myself to all my group of friends back in the days, I always said, Oh, hi, I'm Gianni. I hated the name Sergio. Because I feel like my family has always told me, Oh, you're just you're just like your dad. When I'm nothing. Nothing, not even 1% like him. I am nothing like my mom either. I am Sergio. I am me. I am junior, like I am me, and I'm proud of the person of who I am because I am nothing like my family. I am completely different from them, and I'm not ashamed of it. And I would continue to be that way because it's what God has shown me. God has shown me this. God is the one that made me who I am today. God is the one that kept telling me, you need to continue to forgive, you need to continue to love, you need to continue to be happy. Even though life has been hard, guys. I've always continued to just be this wonderful person. I'm not always wonderful, you know, like I'm like every other person. I've had my flaws in the back back in the days. You know, I had my moments. I'm human. Who doesn't? We are humans to uh we are trained to react through our feelings, and then now that I'm older, now I'm learning that not everything needs a reaction. You can stop and think and not take everything personal. But when it comes to family, it's personal because family can get really nasty, you know. And and back in the days, like I said, I used to be really sad about it, but now I'm just like, uh, I don't give a fuck. Like, stay the fuck away from me. Stay away. I don't care. Don't look for me, don't talk to me. If it's nothing that's going to help me mature and be better, or even you know, teach me something good in life. I don't want to know. I'm tired of talking about everybody's fucking problems. I'm tired of talking about each fucking brother or what the fuck they're going through, or whatever drama they fucking have. They're forever always bitter, they're forever always miserable. They're with all these women, they're in this relationship, and they make these women. I've seen all my sister-in-laws disappear. All my sister-in-law's spark disappear because my brothers are dumping their fucking problems into them and making them think that they need to fix them. And then, of course, my mom, you know, always defending her boys, starts to blame the girlfriends. And I'm like, no, like you need to you need to point the finger back at you because you're the reason why your kids are the way they are. And this is why exactly why I left when I was 18. Because I I I remember specifically telling my mom, I want to go out and fuck up and make my own mistakes. I did not want to make her fucking mistakes. I didn't want to learn any mistakes through her. Because I knew that when my mom had kids, she was also a kid. So she didn't really learn much. She was forced to grow to be a parent. Because she had to take care of these of these little humans. But my mom. Yes, my mom can be 50. But my mom still has a lot to work on. My mom has a lot of things to accept. She has a lot of maturity to do. Because I she's also rude to her own mother. And that's not okay. It really isn't. It really isn't. And I hope that you she can understand that one day. And I'm pretty sure she's gonna regret that the day that my grandma leaves this world. But you can't force that into her. She's not the best person either. She's as equally as bad as my mom. She's judgmental, she talks shit in her own way. She's always up in everybody's business. Um, even if it's not even her relationship. Like it's she's always just in everybody's business. And you know, all my life I struggled with my grandma always telling me something when it has to do with my sexuality. With my physical uh appearance, and with her, I just I understand that she just comes from a different time zone. She's obviously 70, so she comes from a different era where a lot of the ways that we are now these days, it wasn't acceptable. So her mentality is different, she doesn't understand, and obviously, you know, she's very, you know, religious, she's into you know Catholicism a lot, and I respect you know her religion, but I'm not that, you know. And every moment that my grandma tries to talk to me about the Bible, like I listen, you know, I don't judge her. And it's tiresome, but it's just who she is. I can't change her, you know, and I refuse to not have a relationship with her or or anything because of her own beliefs, and it's okay. Every everybody in this world is entitled to their own beliefs. Just how I, you know, my siblings and my mom and my dad are all entitled to their own beliefs, and whatever the fuck there is. You just have to learn to respect them. And if you don't agree with them, stay the fuck away. Why stay away? I don't want to like I don't like hearing about myself when it comes to things that I love about myself, you know. But it's okay, guys, to accept that sometimes the toxic environment around you it's the people that you thought you could trust. The people that you thought had the best interest in you when they don't. And I know that a lot of us live to that fantasy that our family needs and has to be supportive. Everything you see on TV is fake. They need to put real problems, and you know, there is like individuals, like families, like my own close friends, where I see their families, how they're so supportive for each other, they show up for each other for everything, they don't tear each other down like how my family does, and I feel like that's where I came with the idea of that's what I wanted with my family. But I just know that just that's not gonna be it ever. Only one can hope, only one can dream. But I do pray about it every day. I don't pray for us to be that close, you know. If it does happen, great, amazing. I just pray that they all find peace, they all find love, and they all find self-healing because they're all struggling with their own internal issues. They're all are, and obviously, toxic likes toxic, so then being in a circle and you know, always being together, they think everything they do is normal. And they it's it's not, it really isn't. This is why exactly why a lot of my brothers' relationships have failed, why all the ex-girlfriends have left, because they've all I've always had a problem with the dynamic of our family, and I don't fucking blame them, you know, I don't fucking blame them at all, and it continues to be that way to this day, you know. And like I said, all my sister-in-laws don't can't stand my family, they stay away, and you know, I don't blame them, I don't blame them at all. It's just we have to learn to separate ourselves from toxic environments, and all you can do is just pray, guys. Just continue pushing in life. Remember that no matter what you do, whether you're doing bad or good, there would always judge you. So you might as well go out there, guys, and just live your fucking life, live your fucking dream, go on that fucking trip, go and try out for that, whatever you want to try out, go be the best version of you outside of your family, away from them. You're not really gonna miss out on anything. You really aren't. You're just gonna be sucked in into that lifestyle. Come back later when you're already successful, come back later when you're doing you, and it's not to show off to them, it's just to tell them, like, hey, like, you know, I was able to come out out of this ugliness that we have together, like you guys can too. And I hope my family re realizes that now and not when it's late. And I would always have love and respect for my family. It's just right now, I just can't be around them anymore. Like, it's just it's becoming too much. I'm trying to heal myself from the damage and the brokenness and the toxicity that my family is, and at the same time trying to be there for my partner that's grieving, you know, and I can't keep coming and dumping you know my family problems into him when he's already dealing with his own family issues, which is grief, you know. And it's okay, guys. It's okay to feel the way that you feel. You're human, so don't feel guilty, but continue to always love and respect everybody around you, regardless of who they are, because that's not who you are. Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you guys in the next episode. Oh, and before we leave, guys, welcome Tokyo to the map. Tokyo is officially on the map. Alright, guys, love you.