Morbid Mondays - Episode 36 - The Failed Assassin Edward Haffey and the Final Girl

Susan Kuhnhausen, emergency room nurse, is the Final Girl. Never buy your assassin from an adult store. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

What's that? It's fanfare. Oh, I see. I had the little ch a cheap keyboard when I was a kid that had the little reset. We would just start playing these loud, obnoxious horns.

SPEAKER_06 0:16

My parents were intelligent. They didn't give me any of those like loud toys.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

It did have a headphone jack that I never used. Nor did I learn how to play a keyboard. It should have.

SPEAKER_06 0:28

You know, I have like a $500 keyboard stuffed in my closet.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

A Casio or what?

SPEAKER_06 0:34

I I actually I think it is a Casio. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

For 500 bucks, it's either a Casio or a Yamaha.

SPEAKER_06 0:40

Well, it was it was a s it was a secondhand gift from a friend of mine because he was like, I'm fucking done with piano. Take it. I don't want it. Don't tell my mother. And I never did tell his mother.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Yikes. So. What is our intro again? What's the fuck? What are we supposed to do?

SPEAKER_06 0:59

I didn't even bring my notebook today. Greetings. Yeah. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Nope.

SPEAKER_06 1:04

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

You're recording this time.

SPEAKER_06 1:07

Yep, can't do that. Mikey, please, I love you. Don't sue me. I love you. There's a reason I imitate you. I'm not doing it on purpose. It's just catchy. I have ADHD. Please don't sue me.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Speaking of your uh um uh whatever's your systems.

SPEAKER_06 1:25

Systems?

SPEAKER_02 1:26

We were talking about you have like an order of things that you do.

SPEAKER_06 1:29

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. When I'm when I'm like cleaning or or doing things.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Yeah, this is your podcast thing that you do every every time we sit down, you say the same thing. So here's the thing. Welcome to or welcome back to Morbid Mondays. Your unhinged source.

SPEAKER_06 1:51

You know, we wrote this and we do this intro for every single episode. Still cannot neither of us have memorized it.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

No, no. This is your uh donkeys and airways for all the unhinged sources of gory something. No, I'm just fucking with you. Uh of all the gross, gory, and uh downright weird moments of history. I am your host, Brian.

SPEAKER_06 2:13

I'm Katie.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Uh let's get into it. Which is the int ending to the actual intro. All right.

SPEAKER_06 2:19

So actually, I think you got most of it now that I'm thinking about it.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Yeah, we just that's a pretty simple thing.

SPEAKER_06 2:24

Well, I mean, I wrote it in like 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

Yeah. We were we're just like, what do we say? And then we're like we tried this thing where we told jokes about it uh ourselves or something like I am a sentient lumberjack or something.

SPEAKER_06 2:36

Yes, I had a stack of those like just lined up and ready to go. I was ready and then we just threw it all away.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Just a whole list of like like I am Brian, the duck that quacks in the night.

SPEAKER_06 2:53

Okay, darkwing duck, come down.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

Oh man. Alright. So um here is a show. So here's an episode. In the pre-show, I told you all about how the fuck I wound up here.

SPEAKER_07 3:06

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

Because I followed this great big thing about a thing that did not exist. A story that did not exist.

SPEAKER_06 3:14

I'm gonna interrupt you for two seconds. Yeah. Trigger warnings.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Yes, trigger warnings. Murr. Murder. Judas, no. So this will be about an attempted homicide. Uh, and that's pretty much it. Really? That's like really the only, like, obviously violence. Okay. That's pretty much it. The story is about an attempted homicide. Attempted homicide. Keyword there. So but also one of the coolest uh women, I I love like we have had so many stories that have ended on people who like did a thing of legislation or here's a tragedy, but it ended up with like the Superfund Act or uh workplace safety from OSHA or union labor rights, or you know, like the some of these tragic stories end up pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_06 4:05

We we I I don't know about you, but I do find I do try to find stories that have some sort of like silver lining at the end.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

Yeah. Just to make us all feel better about what the reality.

SPEAKER_06 4:17

Yeah, because I mean you I I I know I know that you and I both are notorious for slamming a week's worth of research into about 14 hours.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:29

Uh, but like there there there comes a point when you steep your mind in in s in the in the of human history enough that you that you you you need either the funny story or you need some sort of happy ending out of it. And like I I I know that we've discussed it briefly, but I'm I'm going to suggest once again that we we do a cryptid episode or two just so we can laugh.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Yeah. Um and some of them are real.

SPEAKER_06 4:56

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

That's the crazy thing. Cliffhanger note there. Some cryptids are real animals. That shit keeps me up at night sometimes.

SPEAKER_06 5:07

There's a reason I check and double check the doors.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

My god.

SPEAKER_06 5:11

Alright, so that all of that said. Really? Really?

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Yep.

SPEAKER_06 5:16

Really? And it's a grant again.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

He is bored today.

SPEAKER_06 5:24

He sends me some of the best reels, though, like some of the most unhinged ones, and then occasionally he'll send me one of those written text posts.

SPEAKER_04 5:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:32

That's like a story prompt or like somebody writing a little like short open-ended thing, and it will make me wee.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

That he wrote, or is it?

SPEAKER_06 5:42

No, no, no, no, no. Like he he will send me stuff that he has written, and he is uh he he is he is an exceptional writer, and I do love reading the stuff that he sends me. But uh no, he'll send me like like like a ye old Tumblr post.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:57

And like every now and again, every now and again, I I will I will trust too much and just immediately click into it and start reading, and then by the end of it, I'm like ugly crying, like snot bubbles, texting back, fucking hate you. Anyway, so you know the pre-show is supposed to get that out of our system.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

It doesn't. So here's a story about uh a guy named Brady. Now, um, here's like all right, so let me get And now it's in my head. Yep, like virus. Oh man.

SPEAKER_06 6:29

Tony got me with fucking Longface with that yesterday.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

Longface?

SPEAKER_06 6:33

Oh, Lestat. It's it's one of the songs from Lestat.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_06 6:37

The name of the song is Longface, and he he I got hung up on a word because you know how the stutter goes, and I was like, uh, uh, uh, and then he and he turns we're a stoplight and he goes, uh uh. I was like the count, and then immediately the song popped into my head and I was like, I hate you. And I was singing it the rest of the night.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Oh man. I love it. So good job, Sam Reed. Yep.

SPEAKER_06 7:01

So wouldn't that be fucking wild?

SPEAKER_02 7:03

That would be pretty crazy. He was like, thank you in the comments.

SPEAKER_06 7:08

Absolutely not. That would be tantamount to stray kids popping up in our comments.

unknown 7:12

No.

SPEAKER_02 7:14

Make it happen, audience. No, they're just joking. Do not uh hey, uh oh, yeah, yeah. Before I get into this further, uh, this will become an episode, I promise. Uh, but first, thank you for all of our listeners. We've got a bunch of new listeners that unfortunately I cannot see the names of because they're on Apple stuff, and I have not figured out how to actually see the names or rather claim the channel on Apple because I use a podcast software that sets up the feed for me so I don't have access to those names. Otherwise, I would shout you out. Uh, but thank you, Apple listeners, for all of your support. And let's get into the actual episode.

SPEAKER_06 7:56

I I'm sending a memo to my friend Meg.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Go to lookup to Apple?

SPEAKER_06 8:01

She does have Apple. Uh I think she's currently working on an Android system, but she's very familiar with the Apple systems. So Memo to me. Ask you how Apple stuff works.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

Alright, so our story is gonna center on somebody named Susan Kuhnhausen.

SPEAKER_06 8:22

That is a fantastic name.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

It is. It's a very, it's a very German name. Um she's an emergency room nurse at the Providence Portland Medical Center.

SPEAKER_06 8:34

This woman is already a badass.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

Yeah, for 30 years she's been a nurse there. Oh my god. Uh yeah, emergency room nurse. Uh she so and when you look at her and you you watch her in interviews and stuff, she has the typical like 90s TV mom feel. That's like there's not a lot of like that I could find anyways, recordings of her talking because this is what like a while back. But um but she's got that like very bright personality. She's uh five foot four. She's this tiny with this very curly hair and big glasses. Um she's absolutely lovely. Uh she's married, or she's been married eight eighteen years, to a man named Michael, uh, who is Michael Kunhausen Sr., 58 years old. They shared a home in Monta Villa neighborhood in southeast Portland, Oregon. However, their relationship was coming to an end. She and her husband had been separated for about a year. Uh though he still came over from time to time. Um in fact, he had been there uh that the day of question that we're going into. He had been that there that very day and left a odd note by the microwave. Haven't been sleeping, because he's trying to like get back, whether he's trying to solve this somehow.

SPEAKER_06 9:50

So he's trying to work it out?

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Yeah. Okay. And then she's just like, you know, like sometimes relationships just run their course. Yeah. They're both in their 50s. It's kind of, you know, like do or die kind of time. Yeah. Yeah. So um he left this odd note by the microwave. Haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to the beach. Uh, they're about 80 miles inland from the from the bay in Oregon. So they're like on the east.

SPEAKER_06 10:17

That's about a 45 minute to an hour drive.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Yeah. All right. On Wednesday evening, she drove to the nearby Perfect Look Hair Salon. Where she asked her stylist about a possible changing of a new hair color. New life, new look, you know?

SPEAKER_06 10:32

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

We've all been guilty of uh, I guess, I don't know. I don't have any hair.

SPEAKER_06 10:38

Uh as someone who changes their hair color frequently. Yes. Can confirm.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

While while waiting, she remembers reading a poem in an Oprah magazine.

SPEAKER_06 10:51

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

You remember when that was the thing? Yeah. They're still still around.

SPEAKER_06 10:56

Um yeah, the magazine is still going, if I recall correctly.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

I'm gonna say it's called O. Yeah. Yeah. You are correct. Um she also has a network. I'm sure she does in a book club and fucking Oprah owns media. Yeah, Jesus Christ. When I was in high school, she was named um um they did a survey of the most powerful people in America, and she was like number one.

SPEAKER_07 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

And not in real, like hard power, like military power, but in like influence to the average American.

SPEAKER_06 11:26

The OG influencer. Her and Martha Stewart.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Yep. Had unbelievable pull.

SPEAKER_06 11:31

And I'm still down for Team Martha. I'm just gonna say that right now. Martha goes hard.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

I hear she's a terrible boss, though.

SPEAKER_06 11:38

She is a hard ass boss.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

So is Ron Popeel, though. I yeah. All those like TV personalities, because they had to, everything had to be perfect. Yeah. All right. So she was So back to Susan and her hair. Yeah. I don't know. No news on if she picked a different color.

SPEAKER_06 11:54

I bet she went red. I bet she went red.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

I could see it. She recalled a couple of she recalled a couple of lines from the Oprah magazine. I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear. Line stuck in her head for some reason.

SPEAKER_06 12:09

Honestly, I I I I I myself live by a motto that is very, very similar. Be afraid, do it anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Ah, is that that's like your your Memento Mori kind of thing?

SPEAKER_06 12:20

A little bit, yeah. My friend Meg uh told me, like, explained it to me, and for some reason, in the like the three years that we have grown in this ridiculous re friendship that has become like if I had a banner that had my motto on it, yeah, that would be it. So thanks for that.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

So here's where our story gets really bonkers. I gave you all those ominous things. I fucking love it. Later that day, she drives home. After after leaving work, she goes to that hair salon, talks to her hairdresser, reads the thing in O magazine, gets her hair cut, feeling good, goes home. Finds this note as she pulls into you know, pulls into the drive, gets out of her car, goes inside, finds this note that I mentioned earlier. And she's walking through her house, and the first thing that she notices is that the back room's lights are all off. Now she's not in the habit of doing that, right? She leaves her house well lit, as I'm sure many young women who read who are listening to this podcast probably do. And uh because we're not gonna talk about how fucking terrifying the world is.

SPEAKER_06 13:24

Uh so like And then there's me over here with zero survival and stuff walking around in the dark.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

I straight up, I did, uh, when I lived by myself, I left all the lights off. And the reason why is because I have excellent night vision.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

I just did it because I don't want the electricity.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

I was like, I fucking know if you're in here. And uh, so like that's that was a thing for like a long time. And so I was just like, if a light was on, that was a big key for me because I I kept all the windows covered. So it's pitch black. Oh wow. And so I was like, you will have to turn a light on to know where any where anything is. So like I could tell if somebody was actively moving around. That's clever. So, but that was just my weird ass. Anyway, she's walking through her fucking pitch black apartment. Um, after she finds this note, she goes into the back room and then suddenly something stings the back of her head. She wheels around, and there is a man standing in her bedroom. Are you ready for the most cokehead shit you've ever heard in your life?

SPEAKER_06 14:30

Bring it on. Like, is this like Florida man levels?

SPEAKER_02 14:33

Yes. Yes, Brian! It is the dumbest shit ever. There is a man standing who is hiding behind the door. He is swinging a hammer at her.

SPEAKER_05 14:45

Jesus!

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Now, I just told you that he hit her in the head with a hammer and she did not die immediately. Which means it is a very small hammer.

SPEAKER_06 14:57

Yeah, that's it's like one of those little like ball peened penny nail hammer.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Yeah, like a like a dollar store hammer.

SPEAKER_06 15:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Here's what he looks like. The guy's covered up. He's a white male, he's about 5'9, and he's about 160 pounds.

unknown 15:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

He is old, has a long white beard, he is swinging a hammer, and he is wearing, Katie, bright yellow gloves.

SPEAKER_06 15:21

He's wearing dish gloves?

SPEAKER_02 15:23

He's wearing dish gloves.

SPEAKER_06 15:25

What in the Dexter's laboratory?

SPEAKER_02 15:27

I wanted this to be so suspenseful, and then when I when I started writing notes, I was like, this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. Now, this is a harrowing story. This is a very harrowing story, right? Because this woman is being attacked by a man with a hammer in her own home. And she has no fucking idea why. Remember the the ex-husband who was kind of her friend is like, because they he's in and out of the house for like a year, right? She knows him well. They're just breaking up, it's not working out. He's at the beach, there's no one else around. It's her neighbor and her. She grabs this dude. Now, this woman is not a small woman. She's five foot four, but she's probably approaching 300 pounds.

SPEAKER_06 16:07

She's also an ER nurse.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

Yeah. So she's pretty strong.

SPEAKER_06 16:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Um and they start wrestling, right? She wrestles him to the ground at some point. And he's like, he literally says, and I quote, You're pretty strong. And then they go to the ground.

SPEAKER_04 16:29

She's an ER nurse.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

And then he thought to make color commentary in the middle of a fight. They go to the ground. He's swinging at her, he's trying to hit her with his hammer. She gets the hammer away from him.

SPEAKER_07 16:41

At a girl.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Right. So at some point, she gets this hammer away from him and she fucking bolts. She's trying to get to the front door, which is what you should do. Yes. Kind of. This is my own personal in thing. If you get the hammer from him, ladies, bing. Kill him. Yes, like be done with it. Or swing and run. But get a couple of right. Yeah. Give yourself the scene. Incapacitate him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 17:03

If you can. Kneecaps are fragile.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

Because running from someone is much harder than catching someone. Yes. Anyways, uh, so bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. They're wrestling on the ground. She runs. He catches up to her in the hallway, pushes her up against the wall, he starts hitting her in the head. She drops to the ground. Uh, she starts biting him. And in her own words, she says, She thought she was gonna die. So she's biting him so that they can match her to the teeth right to the wounds. Yeah. And uh because like often guys get in scuffles like this in crime, they go to a hospital and then they get reported. So she's like, m they'll at least be able to catch him, maybe. Right? I'll have his DNA in my mouth, right? Something like that. But he goes, ah, like that, drops to the ground. Miss So Susan starts wrestling him again. Her lips busted, her face is all bruised, her her eye is shutting, but she gets his head under her left arm and she just cranks.

SPEAKER_06 18:09

Yes, ma'am!

SPEAKER_02 18:10

And she says, and I quote, because I think it was from behind. Either way, she says, Tell me who sent you, and I'll call an ambulance, which is the most John Wick fucking shit I've ever heard in my life. She's so she's like, you're about to get fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

She's so badass.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02 18:35

I was like, damn, dude. The implication of that is that A, I know you're not a regular robber because you just started attacking me, and B, you're about to get hurt.

SPEAKER_06 18:45

And then she's- Also, can I just reiterate? She is an ER nurse. She knows how to put you back together, which means that she can take you apart with ease.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

And she is used to, I don't know if y'all know this or not, but Portland, Oregon has a real bad drug problem.

SPEAKER_06 19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:01

So like she's used to subduing people when she has to. Not in this way, but like holding you on the gurneys and stuff, right?

SPEAKER_06 19:08

Listen, when an ER nurse, I don't care how tiny said ER nurse is, when an ER nurse says you're not going anywhere and then go and then restrains you, you're not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

They got presents, right? They're I've never met one that wasn't kind of spicy. Yeah. Right? So here's the thing. So she's got him under her left arm. She's got the hammer away from him again.

SPEAKER_06 19:26

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

She's like, tell me who sent you. Tell me who's Tell me who's number two up for like that.

SPEAKER_06 19:32

Tell me who sent you, and I'll call an ambulance.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 19:36

Fuck. And then she rolled a 20 on Intimidate Man.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

He rolls and starts trying to get up and away from her. Now, remember, he's he's hit her a couple of times, and it does fuck her up pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_06 19:47

Yeah, I presume like a full swing is gonna ring your bell if you take it to the jaw.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

Yeah. So she clamps down harder and harder and holds him there. Yes. Until he dies.

SPEAKER_06 20:02

Don't start nothing won't be nothing.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

You should have fucking told her who you worked for.

SPEAKER_06 20:09

Literally.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 20:10

If somebody says those words to you, don't no, it's done. It's you're done.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

So she gets up all fucking last girl style.

SPEAKER_06 20:19

Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:20

With the hammer, walks to a neighbor neighbor's house, calls 911. The cops show up, they start doing an investigation. Obviously, they rule it self-defense. She's bleeding all over the city. Clearly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:32

The hammer in her own home.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Yeah. The hammer only has blood on it that is hers.

SPEAKER_06 20:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

Right? So they're like, yeah, all right. Yeah, it's it's her own home. There's this guy. He's got fucking dish gloves on.

SPEAKER_07 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

Latex gloves and then yellow gloves.

SPEAKER_04 20:51

Oh!

SPEAKER_02 20:52

So they do, you know, coroner shows up, there's a dead body. Right? Crime scene investigation does their thing. They search around. I'm gonna tell you what they found in just a moment because it's the most cokehead shit you've ever heard.

SPEAKER_06 21:04

I'm so excited. I don't, dear audience, you don't know this about me, but I am I am a true crime junkie. Like you you don't even know.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

So here's the thing, right? They're running all this stuff. First, I'm gonna tell you what they found in his bloodstream. Because later on, right, they go to the coroner's office, they do the autopsy, they find screens. Bunch of coke. A near lethal amount.

SPEAKER_06 21:28

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

And now remember, coke doesn't stay in your system that long. So, like, you know what I mean? Like you test positive for coke, but coke goes out of your system pretty quickly. He has a near lethal dose of cocaine in his system right now. Which means he did Coke right before coming into this house. Oh my god. Just to charge himself up.

SPEAKER_06 21:54

Well, about that.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Yeah. Yeah. Turns out sometimes it just makes you slow and kind of stupid. So Oh my God. So he goes in. Anyways, they're searching around. And this is not the best part, Katie.

SPEAKER_05 22:09

It's not?

SPEAKER_02 22:10

No. He has items on him. He has diabetic medication.

SPEAKER_06 22:16

Insulin or metformin? I just yelled. I just heard myself.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

Yeah, I think you just blew the mic clean out. Hold on. Hold on. I can't go back and look at it. It's whatever, it's fine. We'll take care of it in person. I don't know. It just says diabetes medication. Okay. Alright. And a full bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup.

SPEAKER_06 22:46

What in the dollar store? Hannibal Lecter?

SPEAKER_02 22:50

I swear to God. Was it open? No. I don't know. I don't know if it was open or not. I assumed that the Hershey's was his post-crime celebration and that the diabetes medication was for the Hershey's. Again, the most Cokehead shit you've ever heard in your life. See, because that makes sense in a Cokehead kind of way.

SPEAKER_06 23:15

Is this not the best part?

SPEAKER_02 23:17

Because, Katie.

SPEAKER_06 23:18

How is that not the best part?

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Because one of the things, the last thing that he had on his person, you need to know about. Which was a day planner.

SPEAKER_04 23:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

A day planner that in the previous day said. Excuse me while I refer to my notes. It said. It said, because I'm I'm looking up all this, I want to get it exactly right. Oh my god, my eyes. It had a water phone number. Okay. And it said, call Michael.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

Michael! Michael!

SPEAKER_02 23:57

The ex-husband. Or the estranged husband. No! In his day planner, he had listed out the dates that he met with him, his phone number, the guy that drove him to meet him. Are you serious? And for some reason, with his big fucking yellow gloves, he took the planner with him to do the crime. I'm gonna also note this for further Cokehead dumb shittery. I told you earlier that he had diabetes medication on him. It was his medication, Katie. It had his fucking name on it and his home address.

SPEAKER_04 24:46

Oh my god!

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Have you ever seen those crimes where somebody like drops their wallet and it was like, thank God we found their entire wall. It's the craziest shit ever. And when you see a picture of him, he is exactly what you think he looks like.

SPEAKER_06 25:07

Oh my god, tell me his name right now.

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Alright, so his name is Hefey.

SPEAKER_06 25:11

What the fuck?

unknown 25:20

No!

SPEAKER_01 25:21

Oh my god. Alright, referring to my notes again because my fucking God. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:28

It hurts. Are you okay there?

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Oh, this is great. You're not dying.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

No, I'm fucking. His name is Ed Dalton Haffey or Haffy. H-A-F-F-E-Y.

SPEAKER_04 25:42

Dalton H.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

Come on, listeners. Look this up with me. Ed Hafy, assassin. Man with the golden gun. Deadliest motherfucker alive.

SPEAKER_05 25:57

Oh Hayfe.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Or should he be the I guess he's the man with the yellow gloves. Have you ever seen those guys that like are all coked out and they just look like they just woke up all the time.

SPEAKER_06 26:11

No, not Hayden phone.

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Hayden phone.

SPEAKER_06 26:14

I'm I my my shut up. My hope my phone is trying to. My phone is is fighting me on his nick.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Nope. Oh, we got a photo.

SPEAKER_06 26:27

Sir. I wanna see I wanna see your arrest. Your your fucking mugshot. Give me your mugshot. Because this is this is a picture of him.

SPEAKER_02 26:37

I I Here, let me see, because I I've only seen like two pictures of him. And there are only like two pictures of him, so it's probably the one you're looking at. Oh no, that's the husband.

SPEAKER_06 26:47

Oh, okay. That's Michael?

SPEAKER_02 26:48

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 26:49

I was gonna say this man looks far too No, we're gonna describe him in a second.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

I want you to catalog the husband's face in your head because I'm gonna describe the whole thing.

SPEAKER_06 27:00

I see why she left.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

He's got this big old mole right under his nose.

SPEAKER_06 27:04

Edward Dalton Hafey.

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:06

I found him.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

Your phone is really fighting you. When I plug in his name, it's the first thing that comes up. It's like this grainy photo of a guy that looks like this.

SPEAKER_06 27:15

It's giving me pictures of Michael.

SPEAKER_02 27:17

Yeah, there may just not be one.

SPEAKER_06 27:19

Well Oh, there he is, I think.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

No, that's also Michael. Here, let me let me see.

SPEAKER_06 27:24

Please. There he is. Oh, I just had to go one down? I'm not impressed.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

Sir, you look He looks like the little furry guys from the new Star Wars. You know which one I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah, with the big eyes.

SPEAKER_06 27:41

Yeah. He he's not giving. He's not giving.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

No.

SPEAKER_06 27:46

That's wild.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

He's giving. You got a dollar? Yeah. That's what this fucker looks like. I grew up next to a lot of dudes look just like that guy.

SPEAKER_06 27:57

And his his his her ex-husband. I sis, I see why you left.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

So you ready for some crazy shit? Yes, please. Alright, so other than because I've told you about the syrup.

unknown 28:09

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

Hershey's chocolate.

SPEAKER_02 28:11

The hurry yeah, the syrup, the big yellow gloves, the tiny hammer. Tiny hammer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 28:17

Prescription medication for diabetes.

SPEAKER_02 28:20

The fact that he got choked the fuck out. Literally. She walks over to the um, she walks over to the neighbor's house like she's the like she's the survivor of the literal final girl. Yes. And then the cops come, right? They they interview and they do all their stuff and they're like, yeah, obviously this is self-defense. Who's this guy?

SPEAKER_06 28:39

And then he has a fucking planner on him.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

So, so many things. First off, let's talk about the husband.

SPEAKER_06 28:46

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me, tell me about Michael.

SPEAKER_02 28:49

He's in hiding. They start looking for him because this is obviously incriminating.

SPEAKER_06 28:53

Gone to the beach.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

Yeah, he was not at the beach.

SPEAKER_06 28:55

I would imagine.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

He was very close by. Also, I haven't told you about what he does for a living. He manages a porn store.

SPEAKER_06 29:03

He looks like it.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

He does look like it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 29:06

He looks a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

Not in a good way. Like I've met a few people that work in this industry that are like really charismatic and shit.

SPEAKER_06 29:12

And yeah, like that our local shop has higher has has very charismatic people in staff. And I realize that that's sounding really incriminating for me. Why does it matter?

SPEAKER_02 29:25

It's a local head shop.

SPEAKER_06 29:26

Like it it's it's not only like very For a hot second, there was a there was a piercing parlor and a tattoo parlor also in there.

SPEAKER_02 29:32

It has everything in it.

SPEAKER_06 29:33

I bought a hookah from there.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

This club has everything.

SPEAKER_06 29:36

It does. And while you were waiting to get whatever pierced, you could just peruse.

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Yeah, it was like a boutique kind of place. Like it had clothing and all kinds of stuff in it. Um, so I'm not gonna tell you the name because it'll tell you exactly where we live. Um so but um But 10 out of 10 for the staff. So guy, the guy that the man with the yellow gloves was the janitor at said porn bookstore. Now here's the thing. I need to go into this so hard because depending on which version of the story you read, is either the custodial manager, the manager, the owner, or a guy who works there. What every story I read on this fucking case has different details.

SPEAKER_06 30:18

I I understand your frustration. If you'll recall in my last one, there were three different versions of events.

SPEAKER_02 30:23

Yes, and so, but all versions say that Hafy or Hafy uh worked as a janitor. Ed. Ed. He had just gotten out of jail from somewhere between a nine to twenty-year sentence.

SPEAKER_04 30:37

Damn!

SPEAKER_02 30:37

Because, again, conflicting numbers, uh, but nine seems to be the number. And guess what he went to jail for? You'll never guess.

SPEAKER_06 30:50

Okay, if I'm never gonna guess it, it's not drugs and it's not aggravated assault.

SPEAKER_02 30:55

Nope.

SPEAKER_06 30:56

Jaywalking?

SPEAKER_02 30:57

No. He hired a guy to kill his girlfriend. And remember, Katie, he was hired to kill a man's girlfriend. Karma's a bitch, Katie. Where he died.

SPEAKER_05 31:16

Oh my god!

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Karma is a bitch. It's like he's living Sam Sara and fucking fast forward.

SPEAKER_06 31:24

Like the fuck.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

He died from the sin he went to jail for. What? So all right. Lost for words, aren't you? So, porn store owner.

SPEAKER_07 31:54

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

Contacts this guy, and either he gives him twenty-five thousand dollars in advance, which is why I'm leading against custodial manager. First off, some porn places have like private booths for you to watch movies in, right? And that's why they have a custodian there to begin with. Oh yeah. Uh, and that's what Ed does. He cleans the off the, you know. Uh-huh. Yep.

SPEAKER_07 32:18

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

A little fireman time. As William Defoe might say in the hit movie, the hit cult classic, you know.

SPEAKER_06 32:29

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 32:31

Boondock Saints. Fucking love boondock saints. So, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_06 32:36

Try and bit the arm in the mic stand, and it's not working. Up, goddamn you. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Alright. All right, so.

SPEAKER_06 32:46

I was slouching so hard and my spine is like, bitch, sit up.

SPEAKER_02 32:50

Oh, I see. All right, see. Check it out. So that's why there's a custodian to begin with. Okay. He is that custodian. Spoogeman in charge. And that's why I'm leaning towards owner of said porn store. Okay. Because A, um, that's a lot of money. But here's the thing. In some versions, they say that Ed, because remember, Ed is dead. So he can't give Ed.

SPEAKER_06 33:15

Ed cannot cooperate any sort of story because Ed picked an ER nurse to come at crazy with a bulbing hammer.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Also, a a slightly dilapidated, like, he's an older man who's like between 150 and 160 pounds. To put this into perspective, he is my height. He is somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds lighter than I am. She is roughly the same size as my wife.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

He's so stupid.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

He's pretty dumb.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

He's so stupid.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

And I was like, if he weren't coked out of his mind, he probably would have accomplished this. Because remember, he has a hammer in his hand. Right? And weapon beats most things. However, he is an idiot.

SPEAKER_06 34:07

Clearly.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

He wore bright yellow gloves to a thing. By the way, need to state this. Why did he wear dish gloves?

SPEAKER_06 34:16

Oh, oh, obviously to protect from fingerprints.

SPEAKER_02 34:20

That is exactly why. He wore latex gloves with bright yellow gloves on top.

SPEAKER_06 34:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

To be fair, this is the thing that people worry about a lot. It's not a thing. It is a thing if you're touching shit everywhere. But fingerprints. Like, unless you're going around grabbing glasses.

SPEAKER_06 34:46

They're gonna get you on your DNA left at the crime scene more than they're gonna get you on fingerprints.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

It's not like, like, don't, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 34:54

Like I mean, obviously, don't. You know what? Nope. We're not gonna have that conversation. This is not a how-to.

SPEAKER_02 35:00

Not giving assassin advice.

SPEAKER_06 35:02

Um, but like this guy might have needed it.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

Yeah, he fucking did. Uh so porn star owner. Here's the version I believe. Pornstar owner tells the guy, hey, she's got a life insurance policy of $100,000. I'll give or however much money. Probably a lot more because she's a well over retirement age emergency room nurse, right? Yeah. Like in years, not in age, but in years. Yeah. Um, she's pensioned. Okay. So he says $20, $50,000, $25,000 now, $25,000 later. That's the version that I heard. So either he's got $25,000, or he just says, when I get to collect on her insurance, yes. Yeah, $25,000 now, $25,000 later when I have it to give you, because it comes in installments, right?

SPEAKER_06 35:55

And he is still technically her husband. They're just separated, they're not divorced.

SPEAKER_02 35:58

Correct. So according to investigators and stuff, the the general belief is that um it was cheaper to kill her than it was to divorce her. So I that's why I lean towards he owned the place. Because like you gotta have something to lose. Like I was talking about this to my wife, and I was like, the thing is if we divorced, there's nothing. Right? There's like a thousand bucks to split, like, because I have a little bit of money, but most of my money is in a retirement fund, which is not something to get split up. So it's just like our personal assets, right? So you know what I mean? If it was just like he just worked at he just worked at a porn store, he wouldn't have those kind of assets. And it's not likely that she would get, say, alimony when she definitely has the better paying job if he just worked there. So that's kind of why I lean towards either managed as like a chain or he owned the fucking place. So anyways. Oh my god. Let me scroll down a little bit because I got some notes. I'm like blasting through this because it's so fucking weird.

SPEAKER_06 37:05

This is hysterical. I'm enjoying this so much.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

Jesus Christ. Yeah. So I told you he spent like nine years in prison. Yeah, it was nine years in prison. He was released in 2003. This is all, by the way, happening in 2006. This is a recent case.

SPEAKER_06 37:23

So This is the year after I graduated. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

So he initially, the the police they find him, he's like hiding out in the local area. This is the husband. Yeah. Right? They find him, he's hiding out in the local area. They get a hold of him, pleads not guilty. Uh Bitch! Yeah, I was like, bro, they got you dead to fucking rights. Initially, right? So he makes bail. Initially, the bail's like 50 grand. Okay. All right. But the prosecution learns that his son, because he's senior, right? They have kids not together. They're kids from previous marriages. His son contacts uh the son's gr so his his son contacts his father, who has, I guess, a little bit of money about bail. Okay. And then the judge jacks it up to like two million dollars in bail.

SPEAKER_05 38:18

Period.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

And then they have it for some reason. Uh and then the daughter, his daughter, posts enough money to be one tenth of the amount needed. Because apparently if you can post if you can post one tenth of the amount needed to the bail bondsman, they'll put up for the bail. And you just have to show up for your case for that to be squashed. Alright? So, in fact, I'll uh da da da Yeah, two million dollars cut in half a week earlier, a hundred thousand dollars is one-tenth required. Um the bail was initially raised to protect Susan because the son was, like I said, was trying to Oh, by the way, the grandfather is ninety-four years old.

SPEAKER_06 39:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

Uh, so all that happens. All that happens. He's about to be released on bail, except for the apartment complex, learns about the whole case and refuses to let him add himself onto the son's lease, which means that he's got nowhere to go. Because he doesn't remember that the house and stuff was in her name.

SPEAKER_05 39:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

So he's got nowhere to go, which means that he would be risking jumping his fucking bail if he goes anywhere, because he's he's under house arrest. He'll be breaking his his release. Oh my god. So he chooses to stay in jail instead.

SPEAKER_06 39:39

I okay, so that's a practical choice.

SPEAKER_02 39:41

Yeah, it is a practical choice, but it keeps him in, so she doesn't have to worry as much. But she's still like kind of worried, right? Because she's been in the hospital and shit.

SPEAKER_06 39:49

Yeah, and also her ex-husband tried to have her killed. Yes. In like the dumbest way possible.

SPEAKER_02 39:55

Right, by hiring some like local fucking coke head to go kill his wife. Oh my god. Oh my god. Uh, anyways, so court case comes around. He's about to get, you know, out maybe somehow. She sues him. She sues him in a civil lawsuit.

SPEAKER_06 40:14

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02 40:15

And gets a year's about a year's worth of income, $50,000. That's in physical damages. So that's like two or her medical bills, right? Yeah. Medical bills lost uh lost wages, pain and suffering, non-physical or emotional damages. She gets a million dollars.

SPEAKER_05 40:37

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

Here's why she did it. She's such a fucking boss. So that he would never have enough money to hire somebody to kill her again. Fucking solid logic.

SPEAKER_06 40:50

Don't ever fuck with an ER nurse.

SPEAKER_02 40:52

It's so good.

SPEAKER_06 40:53

Don't don't do it.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Don't do it. It's so good. Oh my- Oh, oh, oh, oh. I didn't even fucking tell you about this.

SPEAKER_06 41:00

Please do.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

Guess how long the fight lasted between her and this Ed guy?

SPEAKER_06 41:05

I I she's an ER nurse, so I'm imagining it went quick. It was like five, ten minutes, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

No.

SPEAKER_06 41:10

What?

SPEAKER_02 41:11

So, first off, 10 minutes, crazy long fight. Consider that an She ran. Consider that an a UFC round is like three minutes.

SPEAKER_06 41:21

Well, I don't know that.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

This is a like a long fight. Most fights don't last that long. They're like, especially when a weapon is involved. When a weapon's involved, you have like six- A weapon, she didn't swing. Yeah. Normally you would have like sub one minute.

SPEAKER_06 41:37

She would have knocked his ass out in like under 30 seconds if she swung.

SPEAKER_02 41:41

So they they go ham, right? But like height and all that shit is a big advantage. So the fight lasts, Katie, for 14 minutes.

SPEAKER_05 41:53

Holy shit.

SPEAKER_02 41:54

I don't know how they know this. No, yes, I do. She de-armed her security device. That's the other thing that nailed the fucking husband. Because the burglar, the guy, the guy that broke in Ed, had de-armed, because every time you open the front door, you have to set the pin. Yeah. He set the pin. So we have an exact amount of time that she entered the door, and we know what time she called the ER. And the time between those two points 14 minutes. 14 minutes.

SPEAKER_06 42:23

Oh, that's insane. And that's probably with several minutes of her sitting back just breathing.

SPEAKER_02 42:28

Yeah. So maybe you might be dead on. It might be like 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_06 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:33

Right? And then she's just like in shock for a second.

SPEAKER_06 42:36

And time to call the police.

SPEAKER_02 42:38

But I think probably in sheer adrenaline, because she didn't necessarily know he was dead. She thought he was knocked out. So she just ran. So my guess is it's like 13 minutes and she bolts.

SPEAKER_06 42:50

Yeah. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 42:52

That's a crazy long fight. In in life or death struggle.

SPEAKER_06 42:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

It's not like they're sitting there boxing each other, right? Like nuts.

SPEAKER_06 43:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

Absolute fucking insanity. Insanity. Alright, so court case comes down. He pleads August 30th, 2007, Michael uh Nudehawson or whatever the fuck his name is pleaded guilty to solicitating a murder for hire plot against his wife in an hour-long statement she gave to the Multnomah County Circuit Court, Susan held up pictures of her own bloodied face to her husband and said, because he told the police why he didn't come back. He was like, Well, I heard she was fine. Or some shit. Because remember they were separated, he didn't live there. And she held up these bloody pictures of her face and she said, You told the police you found out I was okay. Do I look okay? And you saw the photos when you were looking through of her like being all beat up.

unknown 43:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:58

She's got a black eye, she's got a color. Chin. She's got that obvious gash in her scalp.

SPEAKER_06 44:03

Yeah. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 44:06

So I want to read uh a quote from a website called From Blurred by it's called uh Blurred By By Lines. It's all about um uh violence against women and the stuff that comes out of that. So in 2017, Susan Walters, as she is known now, I assume her maiden name, but it might be a white witness protection name. Yeah. Uh worked with Multnomah County District Attorney's Office to create case compilation, a free website dedicated to supporting victims of crime in the area. It answers questions about the justice system, what to expect in proceedings, and provides online resources for victims. Furthermore, as soon as the office files charges, victims can track their offenders' court dates, sentencing details, and inf information about offenders when they are released. It sends them a text. Like it sends them a notification. She puts all this into place.

SPEAKER_06 45:12

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

That year, Susan received an award by the Portland PD for sheer determination, quote unquote. It's called the Civilian Medal of Heroism. And according to the hospitalwatchdog.org, she's an advocate for legislation protecting nurses and for victims' rights. So that protecting nurses thing is that sometimes nurses can be sued by the people that walked in the front door because they go nuts. And then they say, like, oh, the the hospital hurt me. Yeah, excessive force and stuff. Yeah, sometimes the hospital will put it back on the nurse, right? To protect themselves. That so she's doing that and also for like so that the nurse can file charges on your ass and sue you for what you did, right? Uh, but also for the victims' rights about like domestic violence and and these murder for hire plots and stuff like that. She now goes around doing lectures. Yes, ma'am. Teams up with like law enforcement experts about self-defense because she credits the reason that she survived to her defense training that she received while being a nurse. And I have to agree because when when she got hit, she went to the ground and started biting. The way she describes it, she grabbed him around the ankles, and that is what you're supposed to do because it they don't have leverage anymore. They can't splay their legs out, right? And so, like, and he fell. That's how she was able to literally climb onto him and get control of his head and the weapon. And so, like, this these are like legit tactics. Grab someone around the knees and push. And I was like, dude, come on. I have a note here and I can't read what the hell I wrote.

SPEAKER_06 46:54

Oh, I hate it when I do that to myself.

SPEAKER_02 46:57

Oh, um in the wake of the case files, also, she people kept calling her. And I I got this from a uh a news site that wanted to get a hold of her. Uh, she said, I'm not able to answer all the calls that I'm I've received in the past few days. I'm being comforted by all your concern and support. Uh, this is her voicemail messages. Uh she was away at a nursing conference. While they were trying to get the story about what had happened to her in the wake of her assault, she went to a nursing conference.

SPEAKER_06 47:35

This woman is such a badass.

SPEAKER_02 47:36

She didn't even stop, dude.

SPEAKER_06 47:38

Bruh. That's insane. That tracks for every nurse I know, though.

SPEAKER_02 47:44

It's so fucking awesome. And I was like, what the fu- Oh my god. Anyways, that's the story of Susan Waters. That's amazing. Walters. What's her? It's so fucking crazy, man.

SPEAKER_05 48:01

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 48:02

All of this happened September 6th. And I was like, my god. Dude. Alright, so I didn't all I I I I need to tell you more notes about Ed Hafey. Please. Because he Because this is hysterical. He's so goddamn stupid. A. He told everyone. Everyone and their fucking mom. So he didn't have his own car. When he went to go meet his boss at a diner to discuss the killing plans. Not just in a fucking back room in the middle of the night. At a public place, he asked a guy to drive him there, and that's when he told the guy. Also, when he was buying the Coke, he told the Coke dealer what he was he was about to come into a bunch of money because he was gonna kill a guy. Also, a guy that he was in jail with, he offered $5,000 of the $50,000 if he would help kill Susan.

SPEAKER_06 49:09

Thank God he said no.

SPEAKER_02 49:11

He said, I'm not killing a person for $5,000. This is Cokehead logic. He told the guy how much money he was gonna make for killing Susan. And then he offered $5,000. Dude. He didn't even he the other guy was well aware he wasn't even getting half.

SPEAKER_06 49:35

Okay. Let me let me even if she had just knocked him out. If like incapacitated him unconscious, not killed him. This man was never going to see the outside of anything ever again.

SPEAKER_02 49:51

I'm positive he would have killed himself trying to run away. He's that fucking dumb. When they started asking around for like crime stoppers information, all of these guys called in. Because, you know, the one guy's just like your local drug dealer. Yeah. Right? Didn't want any smoke. He didn't want any part of this. The other guy's like, what the fuck? And then the the guy that drove him, I assume just thought he was saying druggy shit. Because like, this is not me like bagging on guys that you know what I mean? Like, but I've known some coke heads in my life that just say some crazy shit. And you don't know what's reality and what's not because they just talk and they just come up with crazy shit. So you're just like, what's real and what's not, right? But the moment they found out that something was real, they all called in immediately. I'm I'm I his case, the husband's case was so airtight.

SPEAKER_07 50:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:52

My he had no, there's no shot. That's why I think he just pleaded guilty.

SPEAKER_06 50:56

Okay, he did plead guilty, actually.

SPEAKER_02 50:58

I'm pretty sure he did.

SPEAKER_06 50:59

Okay, because like I was gonna say, if you try to plead non-guilty to any of this whatsoever, you are all over this this adult man's day planner.

SPEAKER_01 51:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 51:12

He has the security code to your wife's security system that he could have only gotten from you.

SPEAKER_02 51:20

That you only know because you come over all the time. So we know how you know it and how he knows it.

SPEAKER_05 51:28

It and then the adult gentleman that you hired to do said job told everyone.

SPEAKER_02 51:39

He ratted himself out four times. Okay.

SPEAKER_07 51:45

I can't.

SPEAKER_02 51:46

All of this went down in the course of like two weeks.

SPEAKER_05 51:57

You know how sometimes you're just kind of struck dumb by the dumb of a situation? This this entire story is just like so first of all, props to Susan.

SPEAKER_06 52:15

I respect you so much, ma'am. I aspire to be that badass one day. You are in fact the archetype for the final girl.

SPEAKER_03 52:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 52:23

Yes, ma'am. Like you are you are in a class with like Miss Ripley herself. I cannot fathom your badassery. But also the sh sheer stupidity of the situation.

SPEAKER_02 52:40

Do you know what I couldn't help but think about? This is not any negative to Susan at all. But she's an she's an older one, right? She's now currently in her like late 50s. No, sorry. She was 51 in like 2006. She's a little older than that. Yeah. So but when you look up her picture immediately, you see her now. Yeah. Right? She's got glasses on, she's shorter lady, she's a little she's she's more built. She's a little lady now. Yeah. And then you see a picture of the guy that like came after her, and I couldn't help but thinking of Courage the Cowardly Dog, whenever Eustace Badge would start yelling at the mom, and she would just beat him like half to death with a rolling pin. And I was just like, dude, come on.

SPEAKER_06 53:30

Look at her.

SPEAKER_02 53:32

She's she's very sweet looking. And then you're just like, remember, she strangled a man to death.

SPEAKER_06 53:37

Yes, ma'am, as you should, Queen.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

I love it.

SPEAKER_06 53:42

Uh I am so like God, and she in these pictures of her, she is she's very clearly like she was fighting for her life. It is evident.

SPEAKER_02 53:52

Yeah, her hands are like her arms when you see her her arms are all bruised up and shit. So he was like swinging, right? And he's like on coke. So he's swinging hard and fast. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 54:03

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. You take him for fucking everything.

SPEAKER_02 54:08

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 54:10

Also, she killed a man.

SPEAKER_02 54:11

Oh, oh, oh. Best part. Yeah. So how I came about this is because the initial article says she was worried about his release. Now he didn't get hardly any prison time. Just like the guy before, she didn't die, so it's not murder. So remember the previous guy got nine years?

SPEAKER_06 54:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:31

So this guy got a small sentence too. It was like ten years.

SPEAKER_06 54:34

Well, good. She took him for a million dollars then.

SPEAKER_02 54:37

However, karma strikes again.

SPEAKER_06 54:41

Please.

SPEAKER_02 54:42

Dies of prostate cancer last year. Last year dies of prostate cancer. Metastasized so bad it was in the bone.

unknown 54:51

Fuck you.

SPEAKER_06 54:56

Isn't that something? That's so amazing. Because that's a hell of a way to go.

SPEAKER_02 55:01

Fucking Susan's got plot armored.

SPEAKER_06 55:03

Yes, she does. Miss Susan, Miss Susan, with respect, do you need an assistant? I'm excellent at paperwork and research, clearly. Let me know. Hit me up.

SPEAKER_02 55:17

So good. Oh my god. So good.

SPEAKER_06 55:20

And and she changed the law.

SPEAKER_02 55:24

Yeah, there's now like an official app for people who have cases where you can keep track of everything. And I'm fairly sure that this model got exported because I've heard of this. Yeah. But I've heard of that here in Texas. And I wonder, because I've I thought that was just a thing. Like I too.

SPEAKER_06 55:42

Like I had no idea that there was an event that like catalyst catalyzed it.

SPEAKER_02 55:48

So they were all Catalyze a word. I guess. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_06 55:52

It can be a catalyst, but can it be a catalyzing event?

SPEAKER_02 55:56

Yeah, there you go. So before this, everything in that in that county in Portland, and I guess in larger or that city in Portland, or I guess in the Oregon area, it was all separate things. So like she goes into this with a little bit of understanding of the law, but she's got to ask questions and get information from like everyone. And all of these things come in different things. So she's got to call like the county clerk to see if he's gonna get out. She's gotta keep tribes on that. Most places have a website or there's like a registry for this.

SPEAKER_06 56:29

And there you do run into situations where the left hand has no idea what the right is doing.

SPEAKER_02 56:33

Yes, that was the whole issue. Yeah. And then so she starts dealing with all this. She was like, I was kind of lost. So she learns everything she can. She works with a group of people who are public advocates to get this done. And now I told you she goes around doing seminars. Yes. Right? What she does seminars to is that she's now considered kind of like a victim's rights or a legal expert for victims. So like you've seen these people on like, and we talked to the like on CNN or something, like they'll talk to somebody who's like, this person's like a what to expect from the law when you're on like the victim side or when you had file for charges or whatever. She's that person.

unknown 57:16

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 57:17

So she goes to all these nursing conferences and gives like lectures and women's centers and stuff and gives lectures on like, hey, these are your rights. Here's how you navigate the system, here's who to talk to. Also, here's this fucking like service that we have now. Because it's not just like an app, it's like an actual hotline situation.

SPEAKER_06 57:35

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 57:36

It's the fucking, it's the best. It's the best.

SPEAKER_06 57:40

Yes. I'm so sorry that she had to go through that. But oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 57:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 57:49

This woman has adamantium plot armor. She is in fact untouchable. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:56

Dude, come. Like, it's so good. And so here's here's the thing also that I I wanted to like go in there a little bit. The reason why he hired this guy was because A, this guy was kind of like a hapless drifter who'd like tried to kill people several times.

SPEAKER_06 58:12

Clearly. He'd already been in jail for it.

SPEAKER_02 58:15

And he wanted to stage, he wanted to stage um the scene to make it look like a burglary had gone wrong. Right?

SPEAKER_06 58:25

So that's that's like they say Yes, because a burglar will have the security code for the security system.

SPEAKER_02 58:31

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 58:33

These people be dumb.

SPEAKER_02 58:34

Real dumb. If it was gonna be a burglary, he would like attacked her when she was getting out of her car or something. Again, not giving advice. Jesus Christ. Uh like it's the dumbest shit.

SPEAKER_06 58:47

Yeah, that it this this whole thing, like it is it when you said airtight, you you are so correct. Like, if this man had even tried to plead nod guilt not guilty.

SPEAKER_02 59:00

The mountain of evidence.

SPEAKER_06 59:02

Crucified.

SPEAKER_02 59:03

Yeah. Just stupid amounts. He told the coke dealer. Ed Haffey told the coke dealer about he was gonna come into a lot of money because he wanted the coke dealer to get some coke ready. He was gonna have a lot of money, Katie.

SPEAKER_06 59:18

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 59:19

He needed someplace to spend all that money.

SPEAKER_06 59:21

Well, it's a moot point now.

SPEAKER_02 59:24

Yeah. This is why I'm an advocate for like drug rehabilitation centers. Not the ones that they lock you up, but like where you can just go do drugs. When people ask me this all the time, they're like, Well, we can't just give people drugs to help them get off drugs. I'm like, no, but you can, because the thing is, when you don't, the cost of not treating drug abuse is sometimes they try to kill nurses in their home. You know, it's like that's the cost. Like the cost is they still need money for drugs, you know, like, and they're gonna find it. So like any which way. Yeah, it was like, bro.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:03

They did um The Haunting of Hill House did an excellent like example of this. One of one of the main characters deals with a drug addiction problem, and it is it is shown, or he is shown entering into one of these facilities that is very similar to what you're describing, and he has a low point and he is busted stealing from a family member.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:29

And it's it's it's all it's all very, very, very, very well done. And if you enjoy horror media, please check out the haunting of Hill Houses. I remember this. It's wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:39

Yeah, 90s era.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:40

No, no, it's recent. Oh, 90s era, yes, in the show. It is it is very 90s coded, uh, but it is it is set in modern. Like it's told in it's told in two alternating parts of like in the in the in the 90s when they are children and experiencing the haunting, and then the the aftermath of them as adults dealing with this. Uh in a in a modern setting. It's it's very, very good. But I I only brought it up for the for the depiction of the the rehab facility.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:07

Yeah, yeah. Um a lot of them are literally places that you can just go and like here if you're gonna do drugs, do drugs safely over in this little building. And so if you like code out, they can save your life. Yeah. Give you Narcan or whatever. And uh, but also most of these facilities in real life have like methadone. Yeah. So like it can help you kick the habit. When you get at your low point, you don't have to like go steal and get drugs, you just go in and get a thing that will help you get over.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:35

Yeah, because there's a different types of treatment for a lot of people don't know that going cold turkey on some drugs, like if to coming tu coming, take two. Uh going cold turkey to come off of some drugs can in fact kill you.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:51

Alcohol, for example, is one of those drugs that can can and does kill people when they attempt to go cold turkey off of them if they have a true alcohol addiction.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:02

Yeah, this like long, long running. Yeah, they they right. They go through like a shock from it. And and heroin, same thing. It's difficult just to stop. Like it causes full body pains and people freak out and all kinds of stuff.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:16

Like, I I I know that we are we are used to seeing withdrawal depicted in media as just, you know, a couple of nights of cold sweats and shivers. Nah. No.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:24

That's like a low-level coke habit.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:27

No, that it is it is yeah, that's coming coming from a medical background and and having seen some of these things, it is it is much more visceral than that. And like there's a reason that we do in fact need rehab facilities like this.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:41

It keeps uh it keeps Ed Hafies off the street. Like, and and really, like the unfortunately I've had a lot of uh friends and and some family members that have gone through similar things, and it's there are a couple of drugs that rewire you to the extent of like like you need to eat, you need to feed this habit, and my god, it like it it really does wreck your shit. Like you start lying a lot and you'll you'll defend yourself to whatever degree. So like people ruin their relationships with their families and all kinds of stuff over just not being able to like tell the truth after a little while and and one of the things one of the hardest things to do is to ask for help. Yeah. And i if you if you know going in, and often people get into addiction because of previous existing issues. Like either they were uh got medically addicted or they had like a mental health issue that they were blinding themselves from. And so like it it's a whole thing. Not giving any excuse to Ed Hafey. I don't think that was any of that was true about him. I thought he I think he was just like that. Yeah. You know, like there are some people who just kind of live on the edge like that.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:51

I'm just saying that we need more rehab facilities.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:54

Yeah, just in general.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:55

Or or or to like I know that we had they they have those great big like fancy ones that are meant for like you know, rich people. Yeah, because that is that is something that is prevalent in in in affluent and rich folk.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:08

They got the money for the drugs.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:10

So they get they get it.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:11

So and you know, the the it is it is most common in the very, very, very fancy facilities where they will they will help someone like that.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:19

Like there is there there is a safe way to do this and to wean yourself off of it and to come down from it. And that's not largely readily available in the lower end facilities. And I I personally, like, as someone that that knows some stuff about pharmacology, I really do think that that's something that needs to be mainstream. Like, that needs, like, if it is, if it is if it's available in the million dollar facility for rehab, it also needs to be available in the dime store facility rehab.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:50

And it's straight up like I forgot the name, but there was this one guy that had like a chain of them for a little while. Unfortunately, a lot of the ones here in Texas have shut down in the last few years. I think Sante in the Fort Worth area shut down. And that's sad.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:05

Um, but there It really has it's so bizarre to me that it has the same stigma. Like a drug rehab facility has the same stigma as like planned parenthood. Which is uh another thing that shouldn't have any kind of any kind of stigma on it, because they I I recognize that religious bullshit has has painted them as like evil places where people go to kill babies.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:29

It's mostly cancer screenings.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:31

Yes, it is where people who cannot afford it go to have cervical cancer screenings, yeah. Breast cancer screenings to get affordable birth control so they don't have to have any sort of abortion done.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:46

We had a friend that had to go that went to one just because she had to have a uh her she they lost their child and they needed help.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:54

She had she had a she had to have a DNC.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:56

Yeah. Yeah. And was protested on the way in. Yeah. And she was like, so in the in the her grieving her lost child that she never got to meet, she had to go through a protest line of like Westboro Baptist types.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:12

It's so stupid.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:13

Yeah, it was like that's fucking crazy. Yeah. I'd have never wanted to just like run into a crowd of people with a car more in my life.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:21

I I like 1000% understand. I I also had to take a friend.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:27

Like I it's so stupid that there's a stigma around this. Like I understand that your rel your religion protests this and maybe your morality protests part of this. But you have to understand that these facilities provide needed medical care for people that cannot afford to go, oh I'm angry. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:46

And and also straight up like if you cut if you cut drug education or you stick or you stigmatize it. You cut sex education or you stigmatize it. You don't allow birth control or you stigmatize it.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:01

You that's something that I have never understood.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:04

You're building the problem. You're building the problem that you have to solve later. But like that's anyway that that's the the story because we could talk about this for and we will because we have talked about it at length.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:15

And that's with both of us being on the same side of the situation. Thank you Brian for the gift of this episode. This was I have rarely laughed so hard at something so tragic. Attempted homicide I like it sounds it sounds terrible to put it into into simple simplistic phrasing like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:37

But it's that the bad guy died the other bad guy died and the and the final girl got away and then started a cool program.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:45

And is fucking loved. Yeah yes ma'am please collect your accolades because you deserve them it's so good. Yes you are like there needs to be a movie about this I would uh do you know how fast I would take in that media it is great isn't it it is and she got him in a fucking chokehole.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:09

And it fucking like Yeah yes ma'am tell me who sent you and I'll call a and I'll call an ambulance said that wrong that's what it says in most articles. What is it?

SPEAKER_06 1:08:20

What is it? What is it?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:21

In the actual thing she was like tell me who sent you tell me who sent you and I'll call you a fucking ambulance is what she said. They had to bleep it out in all the newspapers while she's fucking choking this dude out.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:34

Oh I have a brand new hero I have a brand new hero and her name is Susan Miss Susan is sitting on the same shelf as fucking Alana of of fictional fucking character. Oh the uh yeah yeah yeah the book series first yeah yeah um oh my god I I I'm trying to give I'm trying to remember her fucking maiden name because I was about to give her married name which is Pirate's Cove and I cannot fucking remember and I feel terrible so I'm gonna go home and read all four of those books. Yeah it was like Teandery or some shit right you talk about the lady night or yeah yeah the lioness I love that you know who that is it's my wife's like favorite books.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:14

Oh yeah yeah though those books raised us there is a reason Emily and I are the way that we are so the next time you're in the store buying a jar of Hershey's chocolate syrup remember I don't know just think about this.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:30

Where are you going with that? I was like what in what Brian you confuse me sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:36

You're gonna be sitting around a campfire making s'mores and you're gonna Hershey's and then you're gonna look down and you're gonna look at a random person across the yeah did you know that a man that a Coke head named Ed Hafey once tried to murder a woman with a bottle of this in his backpack he died.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:55

She choked his ass out no he was wearing Mickey Mouse gloves the whole time hell God thank you thank you for this I was unaware that I needed to laugh this hard this episode is phenomenal I am going to shelve the episode that I am working on because I now want to join you in this absurd section of morbid history this was amazing thank you and thank you Miss Susan Walters oh you are a gift to humanity ma'am oh man alright oh that was so good for that uh tuning out I tune out all the time man it's called disassociation oh shit all right do you perhaps mean signing off yes there we go thanks for joining us guys London from your spare bedroom beside the Buddha the Buddha's got a mic coming out of him it's pretty good it is pretty great all right you guys have a good day bye