Sharing a Really Difficult Part of My Personal Story

For years, I wasn't sure if I would ever tell this story publicly.

In this episode of Melissa Unfiltered, I'm sharing one of the most difficult and personal experiences of my life. What started as fragmented memories eventually led me to uncover painful truths from my childhood and make a decision that would set off a years-long journey toward justice, healing, and finding my voice.

I talk openly about reporting sexual abuse, navigating a complex investigation, facing resistance from people I never expected, and learning firsthand how difficult it can be for survivors to come forward. I also share why I chose to speak up, and what happened after I did.

In breaking my silence, I hope someone else feels less alone in their own journey.

If you're a survivor, I want you to know that your story matters. What happened to you does not define you, and your healing journey belongs to you.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who may need to hear it.

Thank you for listening and for being part of this community.

~ Melissa

Content Warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood sexual abuse and may be difficult for some listeners.

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Transcript

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Today we are diving into a topic that is deeply personal to me. Surviving sexual abuse. If you're a survivor who's listening right now, I want you to hear it from me. This is not your fault. And no one has a right to try and silence you or stop you from sharing your story. You are a survivor. You are not a victim. And this is not who you are. This is just something that happened to you. Sharing your story can help so many others, and that's what I hope to do here today. So welcome back to Melissa Unfiltered. Look, I think it's damaged by you thinking the bomb is linked. Everybody watched out because the bomb is lit. I've got that. So my reason for sharing this um can be confusing for some. I know that sometimes survivors can feel guilty. They feel like if they share their story, that it could hurt someone else, or it could make someone else in the story um feel bad. And that is not the goal, at least not for me. Um, I am not looking for any sympathy from anyone. I went through this um quite some time ago now. And though it still can affect different areas of my life, I made it through. And this has just made me so much stronger. And I've never once felt like, you know, I need to use this to make excuses for anything in my life, and not to shame anyone who has a different experience than me. Um, but that's just the way I've handled things. And honestly, my husband is a huge part of that, just giving me that strength and allowing this story not to define me or define me. I'm sorry. Um, he's super protective of me and he understands that sharing this can help others, but he is always just so sweet and doesn't want this to cause anyone to look at me differently. And I said, you know what, babe, if it does, that's on them. That's not on me, that's not on us. I just know how sensitive a topic this can be and how hard it is. And I actually want to talk about um real quick before I get into my story. So I was listening to the Sean Ryan podcast. When my husband and I travel from Tennessee to Illinois, it's about an eight and a half hour car ride. We do it quite frequently. We also frequent um other states like Florida for vacation, and we love listening to podcasts and listening to learn and listening to stories. So I was listening to the Sean Ryan podcast and he had on Meg Applegate. Now, Meg Applegate um survived the troubled teen industry. Um, they refer to it as TTI. I had learned something new. And she said something that really resonated with me when she was sharing her story about um what happened to her and how long it took her to process and all of that. So uh she was sent away to camps that um, you know, her parents were concerned about her behavior, which was normal teen behavior, but they were concerned at the time, and they had her sent to these camps where, you know, you're kind of like woken up in the middle of the night and taken away. And after she survived this for over three years and was transferred around, she realized that she had been abused, and it took her a while to see that. But what struck me was how her parents reacted when they finally found out what happened to her. She still, you know, she looked at the camp at one point as a good thing and it helped her and it made her better. Um and then she realized, you know, she'd been abused, told her parents. And when she told her parents what happened, they had no idea. They were like, that's not what we were told, and they were just so sorry. And through this journey, she's used this to write a book, um, work on legislation and help other victims of these camps. And her parents rallied behind her. They are there with her, you know, holding up signs, petitioning, trying to get changes made so that other parents don't go through this same thing. And I was just so, I can I cannot imagine as a parent how hard, you know, that must be to think, you know, I did, I sent my kid here, I was trying to help them, or I was in this situation, I thought it was good, or I was taking advice from this, I thought it was good. And then realizing it's not later and just feeling awful about that. But I think instead of um instead of her parents using that and just feeling awful about that, they said, no, we're gonna, we're gonna do what we can to help her share her story and let other people know so this doesn't happen. And I just I thought that that was really powerful. So um, so you know, I I have always thought when I talked about starting this um podcast about being open with my story because I think it really helps under helps you guys understand why I'm so passionate about bringing voices to um parts of the world that kind of get swept under the rug because during what was happening, um I was like banging my head at the wall, going, why is no one am I crazy? Like this, why is no one doing anything, you know? And um but I wasn't sure when I would share this part. And um, I shared a little bit of it in the beginning, and then you know, a lot of you have been asking, well, tell us more what happened, and that was not intention to leave anyone like oh, this happened and um leave you hanging, or like that was not intentional. Um, it's just this is a completely separate story, so I wanted to separate it. Um so as you know, if you had listened to my earlier episodes, my husband and I met when I was 18, and we were together um right away, like you know, pretty serious relationship. And I I have to say, in saying all this, um, trauma is a crazy thing, and your brain does a really good job of protecting your body and everything by blocking out trauma. So I'm trying my best to remember this, but I've moved on in my life, and um it's hard for me to remember exact timelines here. But I remember telling my husband that I was sexually abused by my stepfather. And I told him, I said, you know, I just I don't have a lot of details, I don't remember a lot, but I have these little bits and pieces that I'm remembering. And to me, I'm like, I don't know, it just I don't know, like, should I do anything? And he immediately was like, You need to tell your mom, you need to tell the police, you need, I mean, you need to report this. He deserves to be in jail. And he had already known about all the other abuse and just knew um from my perspective that he was a horrible um person to me and my mom, and and how much um that harmed our family. And so it took me a little bit, but I had to figure out what to do. So I was thankful that he said that because I went to the police and um filed a report and said, I guess I don't really know what I'm reporting. I don't have exact dates. Um, and I gave some examples and, you know, explained some stories. And they said that they would um investigate, and that led to interviews. And this was in Illinois, um, in Kane County, and uh it led to me going to an advocacy center and being um videotaped and recording my testimony, and there's a lot that goes into these cases, so I can understand why for some people they just want to put it behind them and move on. But for me, this was about saying, no, I can't not do anything because that means he could be out there doing this to other people. Like, what if he did this to my sisters? Or, you know, they get divorced, um, they were not divorced yet, they get divorced, and he goes on and does this to someone else. I just I couldn't live with that. Um, so I reported it, and then you know, some time was going by and I was getting a little bit of frustrated that nothing was happening, and I would call for checkups, and like a whole year went by and pretty much felt to me like nothing happened, and that was really hard. Um, and during this time, you know, I had told my mom and she was very upset, um, more than upset, just you know, I can't speak over her feelings. Um, but at the time, the church that they were attending, they were also doing marriage counseling and stuff. Um, she did, you know, kick him out and uh separate. And um I remember just from talking, her though having a fear um because of the way the courts worked that, you know, he could he could get custody of my sisters or visitation alone with my sisters. So I know there's more to the story there. Um, that's not my story to share, but I think it's important that I say, you know. Um, so the first thing that happened after my mom separated um was that I believe DCFS did an investigation into um, my sisters were really little when this happened. Like I'm trying to think, they were maybe like four or five up to eight in that range. I have three sisters. Um and DCFS went in, questioned them and their little kids, and they had nothing to say. And so that was unfounded. And they basically said to me, like, oh, well, you're not his biological daughter, so he just did this to you, and he's not gonna do it to his biological kids, which I thought was crazy. And I mean, that had to make my mom feel horrible, like no one's helping her in protection. So also, um, when I reported this and I told my mom, my mom told this is a big part of the story. My mom told her church. They were attending a very large, I some would call it a mega church um in Elgin, and they had other locations as well. Um, the world is crazy, you can figure out which church I'm talking about. I I I have a whole separate podcast um to do about that. Um, that is not relevant to this, but it it's really sad that this church then decided to um talk to him about this. And eventually he did admit to the church um what he had done. And I was like, okay, so good. We have something going on here. And at this point, my case had been transferred. I think we're like two years in. My case had been transferred to another officer, and she was fantastic. Um, Detective Amy Dunn, amazing. I think she's like a sergeant now. She's um, but she was great to work with. And she was the one, once I told her that the church knew, and her and a few others working the case, um, who were really calling the church and saying from these people, you know, you need you're a mandated reporter. You need to tell us what happened. Can we interview you? And the church, the people, I shouldn't say the church, the people who were dealing with this, there were several men involved in this at that church who would not answer the phone calls, and women, I should say. They would not return phone calls, and the ones who would would be really dodgy and say, well, he didn't report it to me. It's just hearsay, like I can't tell you anything. And I started calling these people at the church, screaming at them because I was at the phase of anger during this point. Like, you're a mandated reporter, he committed these crimes, and why are you protecting him? And you know, I believe during this time too, they were probably, again, I can't speak for my mom, but going back and looking at it, it seems like they were manipulating her and making her feel bad. Like you can work this out with him. So then, several years in, I get an email from the church, from and I shouldn't say, I'm sorry, not the church, from a couple people at the church who, I should tell you, are still running ministries in other states now, which is very concerning to me. Uh, the 12 Stones ministry outside of this church, and it was all in regards to me dealing with my anger. I needed to deal with my anger, and they were gonna help us. And they wanted myself, my husband, my mom, these men from the church, one of my uncles um, who was a member of the church at the time. They wanted us all to go into this. It was like this house where they had these meetings and they did these um, I guess mediations. So I'm like, all right, yeah, we're gonna go to this meeting, okay? We go to this meeting, and I basically tell everyone that they can go F themselves because I didn't do anything wrong and what is going on? And oh, I wish I had maybe they have a recording of this. I don't know, but they probably do. Um, I wish that I had either recorded or like written this down in my journal because I just looking back, I'm like, this is so crazy that these people at this church were like part of their ministry, is like we can help anyone through anything. And I'm sure they have helped people out of it. Looks like when you read their website and stuff, like, oh, we help people out of drug addiction and this and that, wonderful. A sexual predator needs to go to jail and be on the sex offender registry, period. Okay, there is no fixing that. I don't care what you say. That is my opinion. And if you are helping someone and you're involved in trying to help someone and you are trying to quote unquote fix these sexual predators and dodging the police and not answering questions and gaslighting the victim, you can go straight to hell. Okay. So thankfully, after that interview, um, and the wonderful police and the wonderful district attorney and the wonderful victims advocate who I worked with, eventually, like six years in, he gets arrested. Thank you, God, for someone doing something. And it wasn't those people, I can tell you that. Um, he gets arrested. I will never forget that day. I get a call. They don't tell you the date it's gonna happen. He didn't know. I think he got arrested at work or somewhere. I mean, they have it all planned out. They have to have enough evidence before they can make an arrest, which is good because you don't want people out there making false allegations at people. Um, but I think I was at Summerfest and I got a call, and I was just like, though it was just the beginning of what was going on, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because finally, like I had been heard, I'd been seen, the truth is out there, people know, and I just was so happy that the people did what was right, and um that he was going to have to pay for what he did, and that this would be a start to making sure that he didn't do this again. Now, the next part was even more challenging because after he was arrested, it takes time to go to trial. He had to get his attorney. Um, and I was shocked. His sisters, who were my aunts, who I had known since I was four or five years old, not all of them, but several of them, were so nasty to me. His sisters, his mother, they were calling me, asking me, why did you do this? This was so long ago. Can't you just move on? What's wrong with you? Why are you doing this to our family? And again, my jaws on the floor going, what are you talking about? What? If you're a sexual predator, you need to go to jail. What why are you blaming me? I did nothing, I didn't do anything wrong. And they felt like they were totally justified. I mean, I still don't have words to this day. I I would say to them, you know, because I had cousins, I'm like, what if this was your daughter? And they, you know, of course, talk out of the side of their mouth and have nothing good to say or nice to say. And to this day, I've still not received an apology from those people. One of his sisters in court was like blowing him kisses when he was up on the stand. I mean, seriously disturbed, disturbed. If one of my sisters ever did something bad, of course I would support my sister, but I would, you know, that you follow the law. I'm not going to be blowing someone kisses when they've committed a crime, and the person they committed the crime against is sitting right there. I mean, that's just another level of evil. And um, I will say one of his sisters was very much supportive and on our side. The other one was a little quiet, came around sort of afterwards. Um, we don't talk much anymore just because it's difficult and we moved. Um, but I did appreciate feeling, and it's funny, it was the aunt that I wasn't that close to who came around. The aunt who I was closest to was the one that really hurt the most because um I grew up watching her kids and was always at her house, and she was always like, I got your back. And she totally didn't. And if you're listening and that's happened to you, I am so sorry because those people are just evil and they have some own work to do on themselves, and that has nothing to do with you. Again, you didn't do anything wrong. Um, the fact that some people can't get that through their head, it's not my problem. Um, so you know, finally we go to court and minus all the blowing kisses and whatever, you know, he does get sentenced. And what was even more shocking to me was at the sentencing when I got to read all of the charges, that he was like, I knew some of this going in. Um, but there was so much that he admitted to that I didn't even know happened to me. Because again, trauma, your brain just blocks it out. And that part was a little shocking. So as I thought I'm processing through this, um, you know, I thought I was processing one thing and then I learned way more. And I don't think it's important to share those details. It really doesn't matter to anyone else. Um, but I understand how you can block it out and then you read something, and that can be really challenging. So there was a lot more that he did, and he did get sentenced and he did have to go to jail. I think he ended up serving about four years. I don't have the exact dates. Um, and then he had to wear an ankle monitor for a while. And the best part is he's on the sex offender registry for the rest of his life, and that's the best part because people are able to look him up and take, you know, caution before, you know, if he's out there trying to date or be around kids or anyone again. It's important that people know um that he's a sexual predator. So what I want to say after sharing all of this to any of you survivors listening, your story matters. Your healing journey is yours alone. That is so important. Ugh. And you don't owe anyone silence to make them comfortable. You don't owe anyone forgiveness before you're ready. You don't owe anyone a timeline for your healing. Ugh, do I know that so well? Because it's linear and you're constantly healing. What you do owe yourself is the space to heal, to process, and to heal on your terms, whether it means sharing publicly, talking to a therapist, um, or just acknowledging to yourself what happened. Any one of those paths or any path you choose is totally valid. And don't allow this to cause you self-destruction. Again, you didn't do this. You are strong and you can get through this. I think that's like the biggest takeaway is like, don't let this ruin your life. It doesn't have to. Your life is beautiful and has meaning. And some quick stats that are really staggering for any parents listening. Um, 90% of child sexual abuse victims know they're perpetrator. 90%. So family members, acquaintances, those are the highest numbers. And 30 to 40% of those are family members. According to the CDC, one in four girls and one in 13 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18. So, parents, be awake, be vigilant. Just because it's someone in the family doesn't mean that they're always a safe person. I know from talking to some people about my story, some people I know they were sexually abused and they never felt strong enough to do anything about it. And they still have to be around this person at family events and outings and gatherings. And I just feel awful for those people. It's never too late to report it. I know there's statue of limitations in certain states, but it will, you'll feel better if you report it. If you're one of these people, you're not alone. And if you're not, someone you love probably is one of these people. So that's why we need to talk about this openly without shame and judgment. If you're a survivor who's been hesitant to share your story, I hope this episode gives you courage. Not everyone will understand, and that is okay. Your healing is not dependent upon their approval. If you know someone who has shared their story, the most powerful thing you can say is, I believe you. I'm here for you. Don't ever say, Why didn't you say something sooner? That is not something to say. Just I believe you. That's enough. And remember, if you're a survivor, you are so strong. You're worthy of healing and happiness, and your voice matters. Don't let this control your life and know that you can rise above this, and this pain will make you stronger and more resilient. Thank you all for joining me on this deeply personal episode of Melissa Unfiltered. If any of this resonates with you, please feel free to comment, share your thoughts, um, share it with someone who might need to hear this. And just remember your story has power and your voice deserves to be heard. Thanks. Melissa Unfiltered is a Delac Media Group production.